Remember last week when I was like “blah blah blah I miss roller skating” and being my general whiny self about it? Well, I listened to the signs of the universe and persuaded Henry into revisiting Neville Roller Dome on Sunday!

Aaaaaaand I immediately remembered why we stopped going there: annoying people and a lame DJ, plus jerky owners. But, what can you do when it’s 2019 and rollerskating hasn’t been popular in like three decades? You learn to appreciate what you’re given, that’s what!

So even though there were four different birthday parties that day for bitchy teenage girls and Sunday skate is reserved for Radio Disney and CHRISTIAN CONTEMPORARY, I wiped off my resting bitch face and skated with a goddamn smile.

I learned that all of these newfangled current female singers sound exactly the same, like they’re trying to manipulate their voices to sound like its being dragged though a cheese grater, and it’s just not great, you guys. Not great at all.

And then the DJ announced the first birthday girl’s song which sounded weird and like something an old lady would request.

“What the fuck song is this???” I cried over the vibrato to Chooch.

“Seriously?? It’s Let It Go!” he said incredulously, looking at me like I just woke up from a coma.

Then the chorus came on and I said, “Ooooh, ok. I hear it now. Yeah.”

So apparently, I’ve made it this far in life without ever hearing anything other than the chorus of the dumb bitch song.

And then I immediately skated off the rink and joined Henry on a bench.

“I can’t skate to this song,” I said. And then when Sarah, the Let It Go birthday girl, paraded her hoochie-in-training girlfriends past us en route to the snack room for cake, I loudly said to Henry, “She has awful taste in music, wow!

”

But then apparently when Henry and Chooch were in the snack room later, Sarah’s mom offered Chooch just cake (he said no because he knew Jillian Michaels wouldn’t approve) so Chooch said that Sarah is cool but we can still hate her friends and I was OK with that because her one friend in a marigold sweater had the smuggest face ever and…ugh. Just ugh.

Henry doesn’t skate anymore, ever since getting his foot run over by a pallet jack, lol. So he just sat on the bench the whole time and looked at boring Old People crap on his phone. I would join him every once in a while, usually when a song came on that I couldn’t get behind, such as WHO LET THE DOGS OUT.

A big NO THANK YOU to that one.

I was pouting about how shitty the music selection was when Britney Spears’ Hold It Against Me cued up and I almost fell on my face in my mad scramble onto the rink. Now THAT is golden skate jam.

When we used to go to this rink religiously, back when it had different owners and ROLLER DJ was on deck, there was this one kid on roller blades who would request the Pokémon theme song every single Sunday and at first I thought it was so dumb but after a while, I was power-fisting around the rink like I was catchin’ em all. I miss that kid and I miss those days.

Meanwhile, the next birthday girl had her song played and it was AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck”?! Not what I was expecting.

Look, I know that not everyone is going to come out to the roller dome and skate like a motherfucking dream like me because the world isn’t perfect, but it’s hard to enjoy yourself when you’re playing slalom with all the little kids using skating walkers (those things are a HAZARD and should not be allowed!) or worrying that one of the older, but just as talentless, kids is going to bite it and take you down with them. I miss the days of Soul Skate! That was when some local urban skate crew would rent out the whole rink one Sunday night a month for an adult-only skate session full of real skate jams and the kinds of people who could actually dance on wheels.

I really want to continue skating, even if it’s not as regularly as we used to, but it’s not as fun now that Henry can’t skate and none of my friends ever want to go anymore, and I really don’t like that rink anymore but it’s the closest one, ugh #firstworldskatingprobs.

There is another rink in Charleroi that we went to several times and I loved everything about it except that I felt Goldilocks with the skate rental! Their skates are obnoxiously shitty and I actually threw a huge tantrum last time we there and demanded a refund even though Henry begged me not to and shirked away to hide in the car. BUT I WAS VICTORIOUS IN THE END! Anyway, Henry won’t go back to that one because of that time, but it was like 6 years ago so I think we’re safe.

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Calvin came over to play last night and made Grandpa Hanky (??? I guess I just accidentally gave Henry his new halabeoji nickname) wear this unicorn headband that Chooch bought for himself at last year’s Santa Shop at school.

Immediately, it made me think of one of my favoritest, bestest photos of my pappap and me, which I actually had just dig up last week after finding this tattoo artist in Hongdae who does these really cool line sketches of family portraits, etc.

I just really like the idea of having that picture translated into simple lines.

Pappaps are the best. Now I’m depressed. Also exhausted because Chooch and I just finished workout #9 and now Chooch is in awe because he never knew I could do rockstar squats like a fucking beast. *blows on fingertips*

P.S. Calvin calls our cats “meow meows” and doesn’t understand why they run from him but it’s hilarious because they only stay hidden for a few minutes before creeping back out to observe him from afar. They’re confused/terrified of him but also extremely interested.

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So many good songs dropped over the last several days that I have no choice but to share them on here today. Seriously, no choice. It must be done.

And the first one on my list is this new one from SHINee’s Key, which came out the day before his military enlistment (*tears*) and features Soyeon from (G)i-dle. The first word that came to mind when watching this MV last night was “smooth.” It goes down smooth like honey and the color palette is, oh my god I’m going to sound like some prattish lifestyle blogger here, inspiring. I want a room with green and black orb things protruding from the wall now and my house is definitely lacking in the red department. HENRY, GET THEE TO HOME DEPOT.

We went rollerskating yesterday and THIS is what was missing. This would be such a cool mid-tempo jam to glide around to. Dumb American skating rinks.

Since that last song featured Soyeon, let’s talk about her group’s new comeback song! Henry is on the fence with it, but the more I hear it, the more I love it. Really, I just love Soyeon.

I never really liked or disliked Spanish music before (I mean, I liked Shakira for a hot sec though) but there is some kind of magic that happens when Korea meets Spain, man. It just works somehow! So far, I have really loved all of (G)i-dle’s music – I love how their effortless edginess, their concepts, Soyeon’s rapping, and that interesting “fwoofwoo” sound that they make in this song and also in HANN. What is that!? I don’t know, but it sounds cool and unlike anything else, and it’s so much better than just saying “lalalala” or “Whoa.”

Next up is a slow-burner coming from JUS2, the new subgroup of Chooch’s favorite Kpop group Got7, featuring JB and Yugyeom.

I am all about this song. It’s so chill! It reminds me of when the local urban radio station had a late night program called Quiet Storm where they played all kinds of slow and smooth r&b and I would lay in bed, that on in the background, writing in my journal about whatever current boy I was essentially preying on.

Look, I love Got7 a lot (not as much as Chooch does, probably) but if these two want to take some more time off to serve up the public with more juicy JUS2 jam sandwiches, I’ll allow it.

This next song is a POWER JAM, my chingu. Henry’s grandson Calvin is here right now and is straight up celebrating while this song plays on the TV. I like to imagine that Shindong and UV are walking next to me, cheering me on the entire way to the trolley platform every morning. (Calvin just put a unicorn headband on me and then, after inspecting it, said “Eh” and toddled away. Oh Calvin, if only you knew how accustomed I am to that reaction.)

And this last song is the killer: Queen Sunmi is back with another awesome song and even better MV full of social media commentary. Those images hit home, man. This was me at one time. I cared so much about the Internet and the image I portrayed, and I was turning into a gross caricature. Everything got so much better in my life and my head when I left Facebook, which I truly believe is the WORST of them all. Instagram is getting there for me, too: I refuse to participate in IG stories. I sometimes go days without posting anything and it doesn’t stress me out like it would have in the past. And even this thing here that I’m writing on – I don’t care who reads it – I mean, if you’re reading it, I do appreciate it but I’m not losing sleep over losing comments; leaving Facebook really makes you realize how disposable you are as a human being–the “out of sight out of mind” mentality people have these days is out of control!

On that note, squirm uncomfortably at how fucking fake the world has become with Sunmi’s beautifully raw “Noir” video:

Well that’s all for this edition of “Erin Posts Kpop Videos for Her Imaginary Blog Audience.” Annyeong, dingdong!

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Sometimes I just feel like sharing old stories up in this piece and, well, I can because I’m the Queen Bitch of this Domain. Tonight, I chose this one from 2011 (2011!!) because Chooch was so little and angelic-looking back then plus it really illustrates how much respect we have for Henry in this household.

Also, getting locked out of the house is kind of just what we do around here.

ENJOYYYY.
***********

Goddammit, all I wanted to do was go for a nice, leisurely family stroll around our crappy town, but dum-dum Henry left the keys in the house and started flipping out about how it was my fault because I rushed him out of the house.

I was like, “Why can’t we just go for a walk and worry about this later?” which apparently was not a Great Idea based on the look of utter incredulity Henry flashed at me.

Chooch and I carried on like cackling assholes while Henry tore apart the garage for suitable items to MacGyver a battering ram. I mean, I guess if he hot-glued together all of his old porn VHS tapes from the SERVICE, he might have something to go on.

He ignored my suggestions of calling the landlord or heaving a cinder block through the window and instead considered using a can of gasoline to burn down the front door.

I’m surprised he didn’t go next door to ask Hot Naybor Chris for a breaking and entering consultation, considering those two once helped the gas man break into our neighbor’s house in order to shut off his gas before our house exploded.

Yeah, this has promise.

“What? I coulda done it. If only I had remembered to eat my individually-wrapped prunes today.”

“NOW I HAVE HEDGECLIPPERS! THESE WILL HELP! I WILL MANICURE THE WEEDS INTO SILHOUETTES OF MY REPUBLICAN HEROES WHILE STARING LONGINGLY INTO OUR FRONT WINDOW.”

These are some of the things Henry said while Chooch and I buzzed around him like flies on a bear:

• THAT’S ENOUGH!
• YOU’RE A LOT OF FUCKING HELP.
• GO SOMEWHERE AND PLAY!
• THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT. I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO GO FOR A WALK!
• FML FML FML FML FML
• YEAH, THIS IS REAL FUCKING FUNNY.
• AND I JUST KNOW I’M MISSING “SHE’S CRAFTY.” MOTHER!
• YOU ASSHOLES CAN JUST STAY OUT HERE! I’LL FUCKING WALK TO WORK. AT LEAST I HAVE THOSE KEYS.

Oh God, Chooch. DON’T POKE THE BEAR!

…or KICK the bear. Henry almost gave Chooch “orphan” status after this.

Meanwhile, I found this fucker in the garage. WTF kind of creepshow is this!? I wish I had had it for my Murder Desk at work.

I was trying to chronicle this episode from all angles, which did not please the man one bit. He made like he was going to grab my phone off me and beat me with it, enlightening me on what it must be like to work for TMZ.

After fifteen minutes, Henry succeeded in prying open the window with a pair of pliers. Now you know how to break into my house and steal our cats. Seriously, it’s all we’ve got in there. Cats galore.

Just don’t forget to bring a small child to catapult through the window. (I mean, at least he’s going IN a window and not falling OUT of a window, right?)

You know that fucker is going to go to school tomorrow and tell his teacher about how his burglar parents made him shimmy up the side of a skyscraper.

Moments later, the house keys came whaling through the window straight at Henry’s face. Chooch rules.

“ENOUGH ALREADY.”

Reassembling the window.

And he did it all so he could go on a walk he did not want to go on in the first place. In this picture, I think he’s texting his boss: OMG I IS A HEROE. I NEED DAY OFF.

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