Feb 272010

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:36 Having extreme regret for all I ate yesterday. Bad food puts me in a bad(der) mood. Hummus and carrots for lunch it is. #
  • 15:09 Bullies, that’s all these Russians are. I’m boycotting white Russians until the #Olympics are over. N/m it’s been 5 yrs since I had one. #
  • 15:12 And don’t even think you’ll see me in my kokoschnik until at LEAST April. #olympics #russiansarebulliesgoeatyourborscht #
  • 16:50 Don’t hurt Jagr, you Russian Ovechfuck!! #
  • 18:54 Been at Altar Bar for 15 minutes and don’t hate anyone yet!! #
  • 20:24 Some beefy guy just clamped his porkchop hand on @saucalisha’s back. Can’t see her face but know she’s scowling. #
  • 20:50 RT @penschat Anyone watching ice dancing or figure skating instead of #TeamUSA vs. #TeamCanada right now should jump off a bridge. #
  • 21:09 Forgot how much i like Nonpoint. Drunk guy to my left is ready to topple. I have fear. #
  • 21:34 At a rock show and STILL watching hockey. No biggie. #
  • 21:51 Countdown to me crying like a baby. #
  • 21:57 But no, don’t play Fleury or anything like that, Babcock. #teamcanada #
  • 22:01 Altar Bar erupted in cheers for #teamusa. I felt so conflicted, like the time I couldn’t decide between rifle and ice pick. #
  • 06:53 This past weekend was the equivalent to escaping Leatherface’s house on one leg. I feel horrible, mentally & physically. #
  • 06:56 The only exercise I got all weekend was jumping to Nonpoint. I’m going to have to join the army or something. Obviously. #
  • 07:06 RT @spacecoaster “Don’t just DO something–stand there!” The closest the Tea Party has to a political platform. #
  • 07:18 I always feel so much more alive after seeing Cold. #
  • 08:38 Sitting here trying to figure out a way to word my resignation without it sounding like “Daddy says I can’t work here anymore.” #
  • 08:46 I’m so exhausted that multiplying 23×2 in my head made me cry. #
  • 10:11 Fuuuuuuck I hate making bad-news phone calls. I guess I’m finishing out the week and I’m done. #
  • 11:47 U know that feeling u get when u put out a hit & the hitman takes out the wrong person? Add a side of toothache & that’s how I feel. #
  • 13:23 IKR?! RT @kausatoday Funny how no one is mentioning Fleury to be Canada’s goalie even though he has 30 playoff wins over the past 2 springs #
  • 16:25 Chooch just explained to me the directions on the Mac n Cheese box; sadly his recipe comprehension exheeds his mother’s. #
  • 17:45 My exhaustion told me that changing the spelling of “exceed” to “exheed” would be ok. Just a little FYI-aperitif before dinner. #
  • 06:57 I’m sincerely hoping that Katy Perry’s turn as a Proactiv spokespizzaface means she’s on her way to obscurity, a la Jessica Simpson. #
  • 07:32 Um. It’s been 2 days and i’m still crying about Cold. #
  • 09:34 All I do is sit around waiting to be told what to do next, like goddamn Kindercare. It’s a wonder I don’t need a permission slip to piss. #
  • 09:52 God I can’t even perform the inherent act of swallowing saliva properly. #
  • 13:50 My boss said he’s bummed Henry had to ruin my job here; called me a good egg. I laughed. #
  • 14:00 I feel like I work in a waiting room. I just SIT here WAITING. Kind of glad I’m done on Friday. #
  • 17:52 Way to keep us posted, @NBCOhockey. #
  • 19:58 Pulling for a #teamcanada win. Wish they’d have played Fleury but I do enjoy hearing the LUUUUU chants. #olympics #
  • 20:06 Henry made a big pot of baby food for dinner; acted surprised when I wouldn’t eat it. #
  • 21:42 I love the “We want Russia” chant from Canadian crowd. Fuck all the other events, #Olympic hockey is too exciting to watch anything else. #
  • 07:22 I am definitely going through a life crisis. Listening to Frank Turner is coddling though. #
  • 08:48 I’m an ugly person. #
  • 09:11 I keep dreaming about someone no longer in my life and it’s stressing me out in more ways than I could have imagined. #
  • 09:16 Fuck I can’t keep sitting here, waiting. My skin is a’tremble; tears springing to my eyes. Don’t care that I’m getting paid to do fuck all. #
  • 11:58 Frolicking in the cem with my nutso kid is way better than playing waiting games in an office. yfrog.com/4erdeij #
  • 12:25 Chooch just praised me for getting him in his carseat without incident. Well, it IS a big deal if you know me. #
  • 13:26 On Words With Friends, you can play “homo” and “lez,” but not “Jew.” Shit, you’re an asshole for trying. #
  • 13:27 Got a box of chocolate cookies in the mail today just for writing @coupesetique’s name in the snow. The world isn’t so bad sometimes. #
  • 14:10 The sight of my three year old thumbing through the new issue of @altpress (& recognizing bands) made my heart swell. #
  • 16:46 That puck really looked like it went in for the Swiss. #teamusa #olympics #
  • 17:00 I feel spoiled by #Olympic hockey. Henry who. #
  • 17:19 If not for Hiller in goal, that Swiss-US game would have been a BLOWOUT. At least Mark Streit is used to losing. #teamusa #
  • 19:38 I wish I had a #teamcanada jersey to wear right now. Oh god, please beat the Russians. #
  • 19:39 GETZLAF! 1-0 Canada. Just think, that could have been doucheknobber Jeff Carter. #teamcanada #
  • 19:42 Will be interesting to see if the Shark line scores against their NHL teammate. I should not be this excited while sober!!! #
  • 19:59 I feel bad for Malkin and Gonch but GODDAMN GO CANADA! Was NOT expecting them to lead 3-0 in the 1st. #teamcanada #
  • 20:17 Henry just ran down a laundry list of all his wifely duties (laundry included) while apparently all I do is watch hockey. I’m Tolhursting. #
  • 20:27 I wish I had a La-Z-Boy and a taste for beer. Time to scour Goodwill for nacho- and Skol-stained flannels. #authenticatingtherolereversal #
  • 21:09 Henry just found Chooch inside a pillowcase. Chooch is our son, by the way; not the family hamster. #
  • 21:10 RT @drosennhl This reminds me of Game 7, Pitt-Wash. Big hype, and one team just dominates because a Russian couldn’t stop a puck. #
  • 21:46 Canada/Russia = most entertaining hockey game i’ve seen in awhile. Tempers are FLARING. Malkin elbowed a benched Getzlaf in the face, lol. #
  • 21:51 Final score 7-3, #teamcanada! Totally didnt predict this! GO HOME OVECHKIN. #
  • 21:56 Mike Milbury, on Russia: I was disappointed that these guys came with their Eurotrash game. #
  • 22:17 Went to HS w/ a girl who told ppl she drove a Hummer b/c she was “rich.” Funny, I thought it was because she was a slovenly American asshole #
  • 07:04 Get fucked, nostalgia. #
  • 07:08 Lindsay Vonn might be good at skiing or whatever it is she does, but she should put more practice in having a less annoying voice. #
  • 07:35 The problem is that I have not rebounded. #
  • 09:04 Just found out the wife of someone I shouldn’t care about died yesterday and I’m at this stupid job trying not to cry. #
  • 09:07 I’m glad I get up at 6am to come to this lame job for entir e hour. I’ve srsly been working just to pay for the gas it takes to get here. #
  • 10:35 On today’s Brightside List: I don’t know anyone in real life like The Real World DC’s Ashley. Certainly something to smile about. #
  • 18:21 I hate it when the pizza guy interrupts my soul-baring moment with Henry. Not that Henry was listening anyway. #
  • 07:01 Me: I was very mature at 4. Henry: Really? Because you’re not very mature at 30. #
  • 07:35 I sincerely need to stop crying everyday on the way to work. Oh wait, this is my last day. Lolsies. #
  • 08:12 Nothing beats an intense joyride through the snow to a job I won’t have after today. #
  • 09:21 Erin, did you make it to work OK? Why, yes Henry, thanks for asking. #
  • 10:31 I was only at this job for 16 days yet my boss almost made me cry when he wished me luck. FUCK SENSITIVITY. #
  • 14:25 Asked Chooch if he wants to play hockey. “How about croquet instead?” he asked. Sure Chooch, I’ll sign you up for lessons w/ the Red Queen. #
  • 15:08 I’m so happy I can end this emotionally exhausting week with two Olympic hockey games. Go #teamusa and #teamcanada!! #
  • 15:31 Finland didn’t get the memo that this is the Olympic semifinal. #teamusa is up 6-0 and there’s still 6 min left in the 1st pd. Massacre. #
  • 22:03 My neighbors have a staircase to infinity on which they walk in cinderblock boots. God love ’em. #
  • 03:42 I might die if I don’t order a Swivel Sweeper G2 RIGHT NOW. I want to see if it’ll pick up the bone fragments in my basement. #
  • 07:53 My cats are 9 sec away from filming a sappy Enya-backed starving cat commercial & I’m like, ” Have you SEEN the chubs on you??” Get a life! #
  • 09:53 I can smell her on my sweat shirt. #
  • 10:24 A little snow doesn’t seem so bad when other places are being ravaged by earthquakes and tsunamis. So fucking scary. #
  • 10:25 I need a backpack that allows me to publicly display a box of tampons. Then I’ll take it kayaking. What’s up, menstruation? #
  • 13:03 I would feel better if there were perhaps some sort of sign. #
  • 13:35 Just overheard Henry say he’s tired of seeing Chooch’s weener. #
  • 14:05 Of all the CDs to choose from, Chooch pulls out Copeland and asks, “Can we listen to this today?” Well. I DID ask for a sign, I guess. #

Automatically shipped by Lo udTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.

Jun 102008

Friday, June 6, 2008


Today I was looking for Chooch’s juice cup and thought perhaps he left it on the window sill. When I pulled back the curtains, something small and grayish in color hit the floor with a plop. I screamed and jumped back. A few seconds later, I saw it jump underneath the TV stand. I called Henry immediately and reported to him that we had in the house what I assumed was a toad. “It’s definitely something that makes a plopping sound when it hits the ground, so whatever that is, that’s what’s in the house.” Happy birthday, Henry!

Chooch stood by the TV for awhile, lining up some of his cars on the shelf. Looking at his bare legs and feet, I figured it was probably not the best idea for him to standing so close to our house guest (whom I lost sight of). What if it wasn’t a toad at all? I entertained the idea of a brand new species hulking around back there in the corner, perhaps something with tentacles, venom, and red pubic hair. I pulled Chooch away from the TV and made him play somewhere safer, like near the basement steps, and continued flirting with that thought.

I kept my feet tucked underneath me on the couch for the rest of the morning.


Henry came home from work and pulled the TV back. “It’s a mouse, you retard.” Then he left to get sticky traps, because I was adamant about not killing it.


People at work have informed me that those sticky traps kill mice. “Sometimes a mouse will chew its own foot off to escape from those traps,” my boss said. I texted Henry: ABORT, ABORT. Henry says mouse removal is officially my responsibility.

“Tell me you’re not this worked up over a MOUSE,” Eleanore said disgustedly. I ate a good almond cookie.

Saturday, June 7, 2008


Diary, it is 1:00 in the morning and the mouse is perched above the screen on the front window! He’s really cute; I’m talking to him and feeding him shredded cheese. I don’t know what his name is yet so I’m just calling him “Hey little buddy.”  It reminds me of when I was in elementary school and I taught a Praying Mantis how to count change. Henry said he’s a field mouse. “Like Secret of NIMH?” I asked. “Yeah, like Secret of NIMH,” he said, sounding a bit impatient. We’ve been watching it intently for fifteen minutes now. It just scratched himself and then stepped on the cheese I sprinkled. Every time Henry gets too close, the mouse tenses up and makes like he’s going to run — I’d get tense too if I saw a big bearded douchebag approaching me  — but when I approach, he is calm and we make casual eye contact.

I’m thinking of the cozy house I’m going to build for him, with a little chimney and fresh daisies in a tiny vase, but then Henry just tried to catch him with an empty iced tea canister, causing the mouse to attempt suicide by leaping to the floor. Look Diary, that mouse is cute and cuddly, sure, FROM AFAR. But I guarantee if that thing starts scampering around my feet, it’s going to get booted into the wall. Losing sight of it, I tug on Henry’s shirt and hug him from behind and I bet he wishes I was wearing a strap-on. Henry is mad now because he “could have had it” but he couldn’t bend down with me grabbing at him like that. He was all, “GO STAND OVER THERE,” and if he had it his way, “there” would be at the bottom of the ocean with a few cinder blocks and a chain.

The mouse ran back behind the TV.


Hey, I haven’t seen that mouse in awhile. I can only hope it’s off making hundreds of babies somewhere in my house.

Sunday, June 8, 2008


A few minutes ago, I was treating my brain to some quality reality TV programming, as you do, when I heard a strangulated growl coming from the dining room. I looked up and saw Nicotina (aka Speck, Breakfast Nook, Pickles) with my little buddy IN HER MOUTH. At this point, I don’t know the mouse’s status (breathing, not breathing), but my rescue mode is activated and I start screaming bloody murder for Nicotina to release the damn mouse. Henry and Chooch are upstairs and probably think the house is on fire or there’s a hatchet lodged in my head with the way I’m flipping out. I yelled up to Henry what was going down and heard him mumble, “Jesus Christ.”

Cornering Nicotina on the back porch, I grabbed her just before Marcy came stalking through the kitchen to get a piece of the action. Marcy does NOT need to be involved in this. She scares me. Nicotina looked highly confused, her eyes said, “Is this not what I’m supposed to do?” I held my breath and snatched her, mouse and all, and keeping her at arm’s length, I ran with her to the front door. Before I had a chance to pull the door open, she spat the mouse out onto the couch and he scurried behind the pillows.

Henry and Chooch are downstairs at this point, and Chooch started crying; probably because he didn’t understand why Mommy was raving  with bugged-out eyes like a woman scorned. I ordered Henry to help and he reluctantly grabbed a diaper and held it open like a catcher’s mitt, muttering under his breath about how he should have just killed the fucker on Friday. I put aside my desire to donkey kick him and focus on making it through the night with no casualties. The mouse ran off the couch and fell into one of Chooch’s toy bins. “PICK IT UP AND TAKE IT OUTSIDE! WE STILL HAVE A CHANCE!” I screamed. Henry threw the bin on the front porch and said, “YOU go out there and YOU dump it out.”

So I did. And the mouse ran to freedom. Nicotina wouldn’t look at me for the rest of the night.

I was so amped up after that, that I couldn’t sit down. Fuck, Diary, I wish you could have seen it; it’s the most amazing feeling to save a life. I highly recommend it. I kept wanting to talk about it with Henry, but he was thoroughly unimpressed. “Normal people would have killed it, but not you. You have to turn it into a Thing.” He won’t admit that I deserve to be knighted. I called Christina and she said the whole time I was telling her about it, she kept envisioning me as Dog the Bounty Hunter.

I think I want to do this for a living, this saving mice thing. I want to be on Animal Planet.

Monday, June 9, 2008


I’ve been telling everyone about my rescue success, about how valiant I am. Kim and Collin said something about me needing therapy, but I know they’re really just trying to downplay their awe. I showed Kim the picture of Frederick (that’s the mouse) and she admitted he was really fucking cute.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008 TODAY


Chooch just pointed to the floor in the living room and innocently asked, “Whassat?” A dead mouse, that’s what. Shit, isn’t this chapter closed yet? I’m trying not to panic, trying not to wonder if it’s Frederick. Maybe he came back for more shredded cheese. All I know is that he wasn’t there five minutes ago when I walked across the room to the couch. I asked Chooch who put it there and he said Speck. That bitch.

I called Henry and yelled SOMETHING TERRIBLE JUST HAPPENED. He told me to throw it outside, then hurried up and made sure I knew not to touch it with bare hands. So I wrapped it gingerly in a paper towel and placed it on the front porch.


THE MOUSE IS GONE. A FUCKING BIRD TOOK IT. I called Henry and, in quick-speak, relay to him the latest development. “….and so I had it on the porch so that you could bury it when you come home—” Henry interrupted me with genuine laughter. “–and now it’s GONE.” Henry gave me a talk about nature.


Bob told me there are probably a hundred more mice in my house.

I don’t want to do this for a living anymore.

Jan 252008
  • Oversized overalls from Avalon
  • Deep purple pager
  • ‘Sophisticated’ dinners at Houlihans; coffee & dessert
  • Windowsill revamped with ceramic paint
  • Sneaking phone calls to forbidden exes
  • Lisa’s jeep overstuffed & oversteeped with joie de vivre
  • Puffapalooza ringer tee
  • The Substitute
  • Kissing a recovering drug addict;
  • Laughing because he’s short
  • Evan & Aaron
  • Caesar salads

Sickly sweet.