Dec 022015

Alternately Titled: I Make Mistakes So You Don’t Have To.

See Also: Common Sense.

WordPress notified me yesterday that my blog is 8 years old. Actually, it’s a little older than that, THANK YOU very much; I first started blogging on in November of 2007, but then Henry was like, “I’m going to switch you over to this WordPress thingie” and then proceeded to lose half of my posts and all of my comments. And guys, this was back when I used to get 10-20 comments on a post! Like, triple what I get now! I’d like to say “Look how far I’ve come!” but…it’s just a blog.

(Technically, I’ve been blogging since 2001, but do the LiveJournal years even count? If they do, I’m about due to retire, right?)

Even though 8 is an arbitrary number, and not really milestone-ish, I figured I would commemorate this achievement by telling you what I’ve learned in 8+ years of blogging. (Don’t worry—it’s not much.)

  • If you post pictures of waiters from Dollywood and then put their name + Dollywood in the title of the post, they are likely to find it and ask you to take it down because they didn’t like the “unrealistic speculations” you made about his collection of women’s tongues and blow-up sex dolls.  It might take a few years, but it could happen. And then you’ll be forced to change his name from Sherman to Sherbet.
  • If you talk shit on parents from your kid’s school on your blog, there is a chance they might one day find it, and then it will just escalate from there until finally there is a confrontation and did I mention that this is happening to you at a Catholic school? Because it is, and you have to stand there and allow them to say things to you like “We’re so disappointed in you” and “I can’t believe how mean you are” and you struggle to not say anything back because you don’t want to ruin your kid’s life, but then fuck it—just put him in a new school and continue writing shit about people who are dicks to you because it’s your blog and YOU DO YOU, GIRL.
  • If you post pictures of your kid in cemeteries, you might have Child Protective Services called on you and an actual case worker will come to your house and start questioning your kid about his “goth mother” and then she’ll take pictures of the dinner that Henry made for him too, just for good measure because maybe he’s an incompetent parent, too. All because you enjoy traipsing around graveyards and some idiot on the Internet was offended by that.
  • If you talk shit on carnival rides, don’t be shocked when an angry CARNY shows up in your comment section.
  • If you post candidly about every single facet of your life, you might draw attention from some MENTALLY UNSTABLE PEOPLE, one of whom might throw you an incredible surprise party in a mausoleum because she spent the first two months of your “friendship” obsessively reading your blog from the very first post to the current, so she knows EVERY FUCKING THING about you, and then when you don’t give her enough attention, she will flip the fuck out and send you an 18 paragraph text message about why she unfriended you on Facebook and then she will SEND HER HUSBAND TO YOUR HOUSE the morning after Thanksgiving to “have a talk with you”!?
    • This is just one example of the CRAZY that can happen. There have been many others. I mean, my awful ex-BFF Christina and I met on LiveJournal, after all. The ultimate cautionary tale.
  • If you write a disparaging blog post about a moderately-famous singer in the post-hardcore scene, it might become your most-viewed blog post of all time which means you’ll have to take the heat from a slew of angry scene kids and douchebag apologists.
  • If you swear a lot and use a lot of sex analogies when describing food, companies probably won’t be flooding your email with invitations for free meals in exchange for reviews.

Some random favorite posts of the last 8 years that you can maybe read while you’re avoiding eye contact on the bus or ignoring your screaming children:

  1. Sunday Lock Out
  2. Don’t Ask Me About Tofu
  3. Best/Worst Picture of Me
  4. Butler County Fair: Kirk vs. Andrew
  5. Law Firm Walking Challenge, Part 1 / Law Firm Walking Challenge, Part 2
  6. Henry’s Big Gay Secret
  7. The Case of Chooch v. the Bee and Me v. Parental Paranoia
  8. Chooch and Erin’s Sick Day

To anyone who still reads this,  I love you lots like tater tots. If I make it to 10 Oh Honestly Years, maybe I’ll auction off Chooch or something. SAY HELLO SOMETIME!!


  9 Responses to “Things I’ve Learned From Blogging”

  1. Someone called CPS on you? Seriously? People need to lighten the fuck up and take the sticks out of their asses!

    • It was really traumatic! Even worse is that one of my coworkers used to practice family law & he told me that what concerned him is that for CPS to actually send someone to my house made him believe that they had to have received multiple reports, like this person just kept persisting over a period of time. :(

  2. You make me laugh EVERY time I read your blog. I love it. Keep on keepin on, missy!

  3. The Livejournal years definitely count. The obsessed fans all started there. Tastykakes, anyone?

    My favorite part about your posts, other than the beautiful writing itself, is that you always tell the truth. I’m a bit biased, but I’m deeply grateful for your writing.

  4. I’ve been reading this blog off and on for five years ever since I discovered it fucking around at a job I hated. Thank you so much! It’s my favorite. :)

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