Tweets Need a Pie IV

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 15:21 Today it feels like there is an arthritic river coursing through my body. Pleasant, really. #
• 17:03 My next house seriously needs to come with murder holes. #
• 18:57 “Now I don’t know what store to go to since someone threw out the circulars.” Henry, being a dramamama. #
• 20:38 Found an old journal. January 2004 I wrote: “I really love [Henry]. I should try to be nicer to him though.” Laughed so hard, hurt my ribs. #
• 20:57 In 2004, I ended lots of sentences in my journal simply with the word “Die.” #
• 22:09 I’m sick. I need some sort of joint elixir. NHLTV is replaying the Stanley Cup Finals so at least being couch-bound isn’t too terrible. #
• ***
• 12:15 Remember when I found out my mom’s an anarchist. #
• 13:49 Dear @awoodhick, stop watching Tool Academy and bake my pie. #
• 14:23 Had every intention of baking a pie today. Decided I’d rather watch Children of the Corn 5 with my kid instead. Wish it was the original. #
• 14:25 Chooch keeps waiting for the vampires to come. I can’t seem to convince him that not all horror movies revolve around vampires. #
• 14:33 twitpic.com/j8gf6 – Eating a HoHo while waiting for vampires. #
• 15:33 Gee, I can’t imagine WHY The CW’s The Beautiful Life got canceled. It had such great…writing. So much…depth. #
• 18:12 Thanks for telling me the grapes in this pie aren’t seedless, you asshole. #
• 21:15 Today’s Alisha’s birthday. I took her to a haunted house. She hates haunted houses. I’m a good friend. #
• 21:51 I’m at a bar with grownups. #
• 22:31 No one likes our bartender but me. Her name is Brandy. She seems desperate. And cuddly. OH SHIT THE HEAT IS ON. #
• 22:32 No srsly, “The Heat Is On” is currently being blared courtesy of DJ Becky. #
• 22:44 Grownups in a bar do not want to hear MILEY OVERPRODUCED CYRUS. #
• 23:00 DJ Becky’s playing the censored version of Cold’s Just Got Wicked (my request). Last time I checked there weren’t any school children here. #
• 23:10 Our bartender just told us Halloween jokes she memorized from the Weekly Reader she saved from elementary school. #
• ***
• 00:31 You know those plastic cups they used as stilts on Romper Room? I promise my neighbor was just cruising up & down his steps on them. #
• 00:59 Henry: “Does your toe still hurt?” Me: “Only when I’m acting stupid.” Henry: “I’ll let that one slide.” #
• 10:27 Last night left me with a bad taste in my mouth. #
• 17:04 I’d shank a nun for a cupcake right about now. #
• ***
• 01:56 Had on some behind-the-scenes “To Catch A Predator” pervathon in the background; tonight’s dreams will now be narrated by Chris Hanson. #
• 12:35 I need a grandma dress, a rocking chair, blood and a leg brace. #
• 13:13 I’m going to go to a club and do all the dances I learned from Yo Gabba Gabba. I’m gonna get so much play. #
• 19:31 Jesus, @awoodhick is in a murky state tonight. He needs a blow job from Rainbow Brite. #
• 22:11 Hay look @ the dumb! Mose, session 1: Two things about me: I like taking photos of people .. bit.ly/HVGU6 #
• ***
• 16:35 I sincerely need to surround myself with more positive people. #
• 17:28 Chooch has some malevolent fantasies for a three-year-old. #
• ***
• 09:50 My (ex)bff Christina & I have been talking things out since August. Tonite I’ll see her 4 the 1st time since March. Hope I don’t punch her! #
• 13:31 When all else fails, watch The Lost Boys. #
• 16:18 I wish Henry spoke to me as sweetly as he does the Comcast broad. #
• 17:41 My ESPN NHL text alerts come thru to my phone .001 seconds faster than Henry’s phone. I WIN YET AGAIN. #
• 20:20 Haven’t seen Christina since March. First thing I do? Make her watch the Penguins win the Stanley Cup, natch. Next: haunted house! #
• 23:24 Would like to sock Shauvon from the RW/RR Challenge in the boob but fear the repercussions of it bouncing back & suffocating me. #
• ***
• 01:46 I’m so glad my neighbor who hates me came home just in time to see me positioning spotlights on my bloody-mouthed friend in a granny dress. #
• 11:04 The Popzilla version of Miley Cyrus is much better looking than the gaping-mawed original. #
• 12:11 Chooch just purposely sneezed on Christina, laughed uproariously, and called her a dumbass. 3years old & he knows her role. #
• 15:01 I’m not a religious person by any means, but Christina’s driving makes me want to cross myself and straddle a crucifix while watching EWTN. #
• 15:36 Awesome. We got to the hotel at the same time as a bus tour. YAY CROWDS. #
• 15:37 Maybe if Christina hadn’t PASSED IT UP THE FIRST TIME. #
• 16:27 Where do people put their trash in Cleveland??? #
• 16:58 Christina eats chicken nuggets out of a jockstrap and drives a purple and yellow shoe. #
• 19:20 I miss @awoodhick. #
• 19:44 This show would be so much more fun (read: warm) if someone started a bonfire up in this bitch.
• 19:50 OMFG Manchester Orchestra. #
• 21:48 If Fisher Price made an epileptic seal into a Weeble, you’d know what Christina looks like at a show. #
• 22:02 Hay look @ the dumb! Granny’s Got a Secret: Last August, I began speaking to my ex-bf.. bit.ly/1Z9Z5N #
• 22:49 Fucking Hyatt is too yuppsville to have vending machines. If we’d have stuck w/ Red Roof, we’d be enjoying some Mtn Dew & M&Ms right now. #
• ***
• 10:08 The Hyatt is getting a letter from me. I haven’t had to whip a hotel chain with words since the Great Radisson Debacle of 2003. #
• 10:26 Ohio calls their DMV the “BMV.” That’s where I am right now. In line with a bunch of snot-instrumentalists. It’s as awesome as it sounds. #
• 10:31 They just called an Erin Kelly and my heart stopped because I was like I DIDNT DO IT. Apparently, the male version of me is here. #
• 19:19 Seriously enraged to learn that Christina knows someone whose last name is Rainbow. Disgusting. #
• 20:10 Sorry for punching you in the mouth when the Penguins just scored, @awoodhick, but you should know not to stand so close to me. #
• 22:56 Salt & vinegar chips just made me subconsciously raise the roof. @saucalisha would have been thrilled. #
• 23:34 Drinking spiced apple wine while Henry re-dyes the pink in my hair. I think Christina is still around here somewhere. Being gay. #
• 23:36 At some point tonite I’m going to start a flame war w/ Christina’s old bible college friends on Facebook. I’m looking at you, Mrs. Rainbow. #
• 23:39 Henry, holding up raspberry-smeared gloved hands: “What if I was a gynecologist and my hands came out looking like this.” #
• 23:55 Christina just admitted that she prays for me sometimes. I am drowning in a jug of LOLs. #
• ***
• 00:35 I wish a new episode of #offdagrill was on now. #
• 12:32 Going to a wedding w/ pink hair & blood on my ankle. I was going for edgy; 2nd thought says I probably look more post-sex in a CBGB loo. #
• 14:41 Henry wants to get married in a storm to keep the theme of our last 8 years together. #
• 15:30 Oh yeah. All weekend, I’m offering 10% off at somnambulant.etsy.com. Just say “weekend deals ” in message to seller upon checkout! #
• 20:45 Would like to thank @buenomexicana for buying my child a remote control truck equipt w/ the sonant pandemonium of a construction site. #
• 20:58 I don’t think I could make a living doing something that wo uld oft require me to say, “BRB guys, need stitches” like it aint no thang. #
• 22:12 I wish hockey shootouts could be used as deciding factors in everyday situations. Like traffic infractions. #
• 11:09 Lady Gaga on last night’s SNL did nothing to lessen my admiration. She acts out what it’s like to be in my head, & for that she’s my homie. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.