Tweeting thru humidity

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

• 16:42 I don’t know why I bother with “blogging communities.” I never fucking fit in. And believe me, I don’t wanna. #notamommyblogger #
• 19:13 Either Xtina Aguilera hasn’t heard of Lady Gaga or her career has flatlined to the point where she has to piggyback someone else’s schtick. #
• 19:15 Twilight has made me hate Muse. #
• 19:51 Has spent the last 30min laughing at the assholes trying to cut the grass at the church across the street. #
• 19:54 My fave part is when they try to go around the tree. twitpic.com/1sa5ug #
• 20:12 I just had a spontaneous dance-conniption in the car to Andy Gibb & Chooch yelled at me to stop, WTF? #
• 21:02 If pistachio is an option, I always take it. #
• 21:08 Munhall has got to be the catch-all for the loud-mouthed Jersey Girl wannabes of Western PA. Goddamn, STFU you porky twats. #
• 21:09 I just burped up soft-serve and I’m still classier than these permed bitches. #
• 22:34 Now how long will the #Hawks keep this lead? This game is nutz0rz. #StanleyCup #
• 22:44 I’m still having a hard time coping with the fact that I’m watching the motherdouching FLYERS in the #StanleyCup final. #
• 23:24 I’ve not seen a single minute of any Shrek movie. I intend to keep it that way, child or no child. #
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• 00:56 Hey @awoodhick? Laaaaaaaast maILLLLLlll. #
• 01:27 I wish more people used “lamby” to describe me. Maybe if I start wearing my powdered wig again. #
• 01:28 RT @drosennhl Amazing stat of the night: 11 goals and 20 assists, and not one of the 31 points goes to a first line player. #stanleycup #
• 10:29 Absolutely live for dripping my salty sweat sauce over tombstones. Best start to a day. #
• 13:30 Alisha just said an 8 yo girl was hot. She’s caught some of Henry’s pedophilia I suppose. Don’t judge. #
• 14:00 There is so much I don’t know about apples. I should have stayed in college. #
• 14:06 Alisha buys things like STEAK at the grocery store. I guess she’s too good to get it from the morgue like the rest of us. #
• 18:19 I gots two bitches who cook for me. Today it’s Alisha; Henry took the day off. #
• 18:39 Last mail is the new miscegenation. post.ly/hwx2 #
• 20:49 Oh shit I came home to find Henry consorting with Hot Naybor Chris at his COOKOUT. #
• 20:51 And now our other neighbor Mark is here and he and Henry are BOTH WEARING BANDANNAS. twitpic.com/1smc14 #
• 20:58 Hot Naybor Chris is blitzed. Henry should take advantage. #
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• 10:06 I know this is something surprising, but I don’t interact well with kids. #
• 10:28 Oh shit the parade has begun w/ majorettes having a sound system malfunction. I laffed & Alisha said she’s surprised I haven’t been hanged:( #
• 10:46 They could at least give us some flame throwers. Or put ME in the fucking parade. twitpic.com/1srn67 #
• 13:00 What the hell kind of name is Finbarr. #
• 15:27 Wkly artists: Sleeping With Sirens (14), Circa Survive (3) & The Number Twelve Looks Like You (2) bit.ly/cShGmp #
• 15:34 I think I finally found xtra large grandpa glasses, but I’m afraid they won’t be as large as I need to stop myself from falling down steps. #
• 15:37 If I could have dinner w/ any dead celeb, it’d be Brett Somers so I can ask her where the fuck she went to super size her eyeglasses. #
• 15:52 Ideally, I’d like to just get a welder’s mask in my prescription. Or Lasik. But probably the mask. #
• 17:24 I felt like shit all day, yet still jogged in the cemetery for an hour, thru literal air puddles of humidity. Guess my IQ. #
• 17:47 Wading thru humidity is like rolling over to go to sleep only to forget abt the pool of cum on yr pillow – grimey yet slightly erotic. #
• 17:48 Re: humidity is erotic: Maybe just for those of us who also like peeing on ppl. #
• 18:27 Always nice hearing Henry snicker as I struggle to make a pb&honey sandwich. Apparently I can’t even spread pb like u normal ppl. Scrutiny! #
• 21:13 So many reasons to root for the #Blackhawks. Carcillo alone is one. #StanleyCup #
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• 11:08 Just watched in horror as my kid purposely fell backward off the porch. It’s only going to get worse, & then comes the MTV series. #
• 22:53 I’m still not over the savage murder of Jonny, my jump rope. Not that anyone has had the decency to ask!! #
• 22:56 @leota I put a few m&m’s in my mouth, letting them melt, &pressing them against the roof of my mouth w/ my tongue. I <3 the crackling sound! #
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• 14:04 I DON’T WANNA!!!!!!!! #
• 15:10 Welp. I think it’d be best if I don’t chime into THIS convo: theblogfrog.com/1362952/forum/31105/what-did-they-say-wednesday.html #
• 15:13 Just now! I learned that it’s not the MOP that’s a piece of shit. It’s ME that’s a piece of shit. #
• 15:38 Tell @awoodhick to take me to Allentown, PA as a late bday present. I have important business to tend to. #
• 21:15 Just had a grilled cheese made on a hot dog bun. It was made w/ real cheese, not Cheez-Whiz, so it’s only halfway to a white trash entree. #
• 21:25 It’s ridiculous how sickening the Flyers are. I just can’t take them seriously, Stanley Cup Finals or not. #
• 22:34 NIEMI!! Jesus Christ, Blackhawks. Please. Put this game away!! #StanleyCup #
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• 09:42 It upsets me that Formspring doesn’t keep an archive of old q&a’s. Because mine were so THOUGHFUL, you know. #
• 12:42 Hay look @ the dumb! In my “serious research” for The Christina Chronicles, I’ve made it to the journal containing… bit.ly/bX9JPT #
• 13:06 NO I WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT BLANCHE IS DEAD. SHE WAS MY MOTHERFUCKING IDOL, OK. #
• 13:09 Today I’ll wear a silk pantsuit and fuck a lot of old dudes in Blanche’s honor. #
• 14:12 Role reversal: Me: I don’t wanna go to workkkkkkk. Chooch, sighing in frustration: But you HAVE to. #
• 16:24 I feel hateful when I hear these lawyers talk about how “indigent” they are. #
• 17:30 OMG LAST MAIL!!!!!!! #
• 18:42 I’m wearing my favorite shoes today OK?! twitpic.com/1tnh3q #
• 21:57 The CW syndicating Moonlight is such a fucking tease. SUCH A FUCKING TEASE. #
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• 11:25 This whole “finding goggle-sized eyeglasses” mission is pissing me off. I found a large plastic green pair but they don’t look large enough. #
• 11:29 OH THIS IS TERRIBLE. They might not cover my neuroses. www.zennioptical.com/product.php?productid=1929&cat=&page=1 #
• 12:40 Father of the Year didn’t buy any food. Please send help for Chooch and me. Send troops if you have to; cans of porridge. #
• 15:30 Henry suggested shopping at the clown store for eyeglasses. I pretended to be hurt, but that’s not a bad idea, really. #
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• 00:14 On the night of May 30, 2005, I cried in the car & kept imagining jamming a shard of glass into my neck, AWESOME!! True story from my DIARY. #
• 10:07 Me: “do u want me to put something on for you?” Chooch: “NO I LIKE THIS SHOW!” (It’s Snipers on the History Channel. Fantastic.) #
• 10:55 This is the largest I’ve ever grown Sea Monkeys and I’m a little scared of them. And grossed out, too. #
• 11:38 I stood up and almost fell, & in the process wound up doing an accidental contemporary dance move. Mia Michaels would have LOVED it. #SYTYCD #
• 13:50 Every time I hear that shitty Katy Perry song, I get so angry that she was once at Warped Tour. I wanna make her drink her Proactive. Hag. #
• 14:28 MY SEA MONKEYS ARE MATING!? Oh my god, it’s repulsive. But I don’t want it to stop. #

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