Hey yo. This past weekend was fine, nothing fabulouso happened really. Henry and I went to Yinz Coffee on Saturday because I was dying for the good chai latte. Raspberry chai was the current special so I slurped that up real quick. We also split a cranberry orange scone and an oatmeal cream pie cookie sandwich. Henry was SO ANNOYING when we were ordering. I just knew that I wanted the cookie sandwich but also something else so I assigned this task onto him which I should have known was a mistake because he was going to order a cookie?? Bitch, why would you get a COOKIE if we are already getting a COOKIE SANDWICH.
The stress. It’s constant.
Plus, he can never read my cues or my mind or my body language so I ask myself – why did I say YES??
Anyway, the scone (which I ordered, btw, because he was being so embarrassing and the barista* was looking at us like we were two complete strangers paired up blindly for a social experiment on cafe ordering compatibility) was the perfect choice. It was so good. I almost never eat scones!! There is a cafe in Seoul called Cafe Layered that specializes in scones and it is on my list 100% after being reminded that I do, in fact, enjoy a scone every now and then.
*(“I’m….just gonna go and make this drink while you decide,” she said, jiggling a cup of ice in the air and slowly backing away after I snapped at Henry for never listening to me. “YEAH, LET’S GET A COOKIE SANDWICH AND MORE COOKIES, DUMBASS” even though the rational non-manic episodic side of me was like, “I mean, can you ever really have ‘too many’ cookies though, Erin?” I was just on the prowl for anger triggers, is all.)
Some young couple came in with their ugly baby in a stroller and stood (stood!!!) at a table next to us and it made me very uncomfortable. Seems they were visiting from somewhere because I heard them asking the barista for things to do and then she recommended that they eat at Bonfire in Southside (on the Southside? Northside and Southside irritate me) and I silently cosigned that suggestion and on mute, I kind of hoped that they would ask for more suggestions so I could panic-punt frantic activities at them (THE WOOD STREET T-STATION WHERE SOMEONE WAS HACKED BY A MACHETE!”) but they were TOO COOL to talk to us. They had tattoos and were SWATHED* in athleisure, you guys. They probably go to Post Malone concerts.
*(Coincidentally, the very next audiobook I picked up after the British one has an American narrator and SHE said the word “swathe” like I always thought it was pronounced so I felt validated! swAWthe.)
Then we strolled around whatever that park is in Northside for as long as we could handle it – it was pretty windy that day and also kind of cold so not really great walking weather but I needed to DIGEST. Also? We had a really crazy and random (well, maybe not to the … weather people? Meteorologists! They probably expected it) snowstorm that morning but then the snow melted within hours. Isn’t it great how nice we’ve treated this planet.
:/
Sunday was a bit warmer so we went to Frick Park for some walking action. I asked King Doof to take my picture here too and does it look like he did?
No, he just got up and lumbered away.
The walk was nice, if not a bit muddy and uneventful. My evening walk would prove to be MUCH DIFFERENT though!!
Henry and Chooch went to Target after dinner so I decided to walk to the library to drop off a book (the one from my last post where I was mad it for the slight to Robert Smith, but then it ended up being a pretty decent book and OK I liked it – is that what you want to hear from me? I FREAKIN’ LIKED IT).
Anyway, picture me, doing some wholesome, one step down from God Tier activity (Levar Burton Tier?) when KAPCHUGI: I am nearly wiped out while crossing the street.
BY A MOTHERFUCKING COP.
OH OF FUCKING COURSE.
Let me paint the scene: I was crossing parallel to the street I live on, which as you know people LOVE to use as a race track, across a residential street. The pig came from behind me, flying along my street and not slowing down as he made the left turn onto the street I was walking across. No turn signal. No siren. No flashing lights. WHAT’S THE EMERGENCY SIR?? Big hurry to get to your buddy’s for a Sunday night brewski? Some IMPRACTICAL JOKESTER viewing? In my head, I slung way worse speculations but you know, I’m trying not to get myself worked up again.
Anyway, I immediately called Henry and started screaming to him about it because he loves to defend cops, but even this time he was like, “Dawwww, that cop did a bad” and I’m like, “NO SHIT, COP-LOVER.”
“I wish I could have run faster, I would have chased his ass down the street!” I screamed into the phone and Henry of course said his favorite comfort command to me: Calm down.
“I’M GOING HOME AND REPORTING HIM!” I cried and jogged the remaining three blocks home, where I flexed my Karen fingers, cracked my MANAGER-SPEAKING-TO knuckles, and brought up whatever city of Pgh website I could find that looked appropriate for LODGING A COMPLAINT.
I will have you know that in order to do this, I had to create an account and I was originally going to make a fake one but then you know what? I did the ADULT thing and used my real info because I have every right to report this.
And you know what else? I didn’t swear. Not once! I didn’t swear, I didn’t make threats, I didn’t call the cop a pig, I actually used the word “officer” and laid out my concerns in a way that illustrated my frustration while also keeping its INTEGRITY. This is the new me: use intelligent words and regular capitalization to have your complaint regarded with seriousness.
Look at your girl!!!
I am acting 44!
I didn’t have the cop’s plate # but I did have the exact time and location of the INCIDENT, and I also stressed that this isn’t the first time their cops have sped through residential streets with seemingly no cause.
Then I texted my brother and told him and he was like “OMG! Did he at least apologize?” WHAT A WHITE MALE THING TO ASK! OF COURSE HE DIDN’T FUCKING APOLOGIZE, THAT COCKER NEVER EVEN SLOWED DOWN OR GLANCED IN MY DIRECTION, JUST SPED OFF DOWN THE BRICK ROAD LIKE A RACIST DOROTHY EN ROUTE TO SEE THE WIZARD.
IYKWIM. 😡
Today I got an email response from some “Sgt” who APOLOGIZED for my terrible experience with one of their officers and urged me to file a report, but apparently I have to go into a building somewhere to do that and I don’t actually care that much after all, it turns out.
Except for the fact that in my anger, I misspelled “abysmal” in my complaint but then Janna was like, “Eh, those people are dumb, they probably won’t notice.”
Well, that’s all I have. At least you guys can rest easy knowing that I have an account with some city website so that I can lodge future complaints with ease.