This Saturday is so annoying already. FIRST! I had an 8AM appt at LabCorp for my annual blood draw for work (incentive to get premium health insurance at the lower rate or something; I can’t remember but I know there is a reason I have to do this every year along with pretending to watch health videos and then taking the pop quiz at the end).

So, typically I would go to this one LabCorp much closer to my house. I’d schedule the first appt of the day (usually 7am) so that I could beat morning rush hour and still have plenty of morning time left before logging on to work. But the last 3 years, there has been this AWFUL ginger bitch there. Late 20s maybe, super asshole demeanor, 0 personality. Last year, I was so fed up with her that I left a scathing review.

Then I was like, “Oh shit, now I need to go to a different LabCorp.”

Luckily, I found one that’s not TOO much of a drive and they have Saturday hours! So I scheduled that for today and Henry said he would drive me so that we could get breakfast afterward since I always fast for these things and act like I’m going to pass out.

But then we forgot that it’s also the stupid race that goes past my house this morning! They always block the roads off but we left early enough that it wasn’t an issue—-until we got about a street away from home and I realized I left my stupid lab sheet here so we had to turn around and in that short amount of time, A COP HAD ARRIVED TO BLOCK OFF OUR STREET. Henry just drove around him but even that was enough to piss me off and I muttered, “Asshole” as we drove by.

So then we get there and I’m maybe 10 minutes early, yay maybe they’ll take me back early an a reward. SOMETIMES THAT HAPPENS. But not today! There were already three other people in the waiting room. One of them was sitting on a bench right up against the check-in kiosk and I was like, “Srsly” because there was an entire room of empty chairs but yes please sit in the most inconvenient spot for everyone entering. Even better was that it didn’t recognize my ID for some reason so I had to MANUALLY check in with my arm pit hovering over this bitch’s head because WHY ARE YOU SITTING HERE WHERE PEOPLE NEED TO CHECK IN, YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT.

Oh I was ready to go through the roof.

Then!! I sat down and immediately realized how deathly quiet it was in there—no waiting room music was playing, are you kidding me?! Where’s my Richard Marx and Phil Collins?! GINO VANELLI?

Because it was so quiet, I immediately homed in on the guy across the room who was bring so wetly that I started to squeeze my hands into fists. Literally, he was being SO performative with his breathing like he wanted to remind us all that he had been sitting for a while. Then at one point, he made a big production of stretching and then whipping his head back in slumber?! Buddy, please.

Finally, a patient emerged with his arm all gauzed-up and said, “She’s getting there, guys!”

WTF does that mean.

Shortly after that, the oldest working phlebotomist cracked the door and called back the next patient. Shit. This was definitely going too take a while.

I finally got called back around 8:15, so not overly outrageous, but when I say that this could have been Henry’s mom about to draw my blood, I am not being even a little facetious. She looked WELL past retirement age, all hunched over and wearing gigantic glasses. I was very scared.

So, when you’re getting blood drawn pretty much the last thing you want to hear after the needle goes in is the phlebotomist making an “oh shit” gasp.

“…is everything OK?” I whispered.

“Yeah, um…can you just straighten your arm a little more? I lost the vein.”

“……..”

“Does that happen to you a lot?” she asked.

“Um, no, not that I know of,” I chirped like a doomed bird on the edge of a predator’s jaw. “Do you need to start over?” I suggested, looking at the opposite wall while noticing with alarm what felt like a fishing expedition going on inside of the crook of my arm.

“Uh….no. Nope, I got it. We’re good.”

BRO. It’s been hours and I cannot unbend my arm. I’m walking around like it’s in an invisible sling, I am so wounded.

Henry thinks this is all so amazing and asked me after I got back into the car if perhaps I was leaving an acting class and not actually getting blood drawn I guess because of the way I was staggering toward the car, one arm outstretched, swaying from blood loss, like a Final Girl. Wow, ok, thanks for your support.

Honestly this is only several notches down from the CHAINSAW INCIDENT OF 2022.

Then we went down the street to Our Little Secret Cafe which has been there for years but for some reason I thought it was only catering and also it used to be what Lisa and I lovingly called HOME COOKIN’ and I haven’t wanted to go back since that version of it closed IF WE’RE BEING HONEST.

(It was actually called Russitano’s Diner but there was a sign under it that advertised “home cookin'” and for years that is what we thought it was actually called and refused to change our ways even after learning the TRUTH.)

They brought us out a “nipple board” to enjoy while waiting for our breakfast, which I thought was fucking adorable.

OK, calm down.

My favorite part of the experience was when an older gentleman in the booth behind Henry got up and started rummaging through the jelly on the empty table next to ours. “You guys don’t happen to have strawberry over on your table, do you?” he asked, and Henry ONLY GLANCED at the two that were sitting on top and said NO.

I was like, “You dumb bitch, you didn’t even look at what was underneath!” so I started rummaging through all of them and FOUND ONE which I promptly took over to the guy’s booth and his whole breakfast party was like, “OMG THANK YOU. YOU MADE HIS DAY!” and it was so funny—A REAL FEEL GOOD MOMENT that Hallmark is welcome to purchase the rights from me if they knew what was good for them—but the best part was that HENRY didn’t get to be the hero for once. It was me, precious little angel baby ERIN.

SUCK.

IT.

My avocado toast was OK.

Overall, it was a great experience until someone’s fucking idiot bitch baby started SHRIEKING and they did NOTHING about it. Like, take that fucker outside! Some of us have just had a traumatic blood letting experience!!!!

Afterward, we walked over to Michaels: boring.

Then Fresh Thyme. I RARELY go grocery shopping with Henry so I had to spend a lot of time perusing all the new-to-me fancy teas and cold brews and health drinks in the cooler by the door and Henry was like, “Yeah you can tell you don’t come here often” every time I’d coo, “Ooooh, what’s THAT?” Flashy packaging will get me every time. He spent probably double what he normally would because of all the excess PRETTY COLORS stuff I threw into the cart.

Last stop: Petsmart to procure picky Penelope pate.

COULD NOT PASS UP THAT ALLITERATION OPPORTUNITY.

Well, that was all before 11am. Hopefully my weekend gets more exciting, lol.

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