Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 10:11 Everyone I talk to at AT&T sound like sleepy retards. #
• 11:52 Lining Aunt Jemima bottles all in a row. Gonna bowl ’em over with a hog head. Skippy’s next. #
• 17:35 Checking into the Hotel Bella Morte. Please forward all calls. #
• 20:10 Thinking about albinos. I never see any, it’s like they live in the sewers or something? Come out and play, albinos! #
• 22:17 Lamenting that no one ever wants to get drunk against mausoleum doors with me. Sober up later by floating down the river in a douche canoe. #

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Urgent. Will die without reading.

• 15:59 Just gave myself a tracheotomy. #
• 16:00 Just refilled my coffee mug from my trach hole. People applauded and some guy in a hat gave me a dollar for my effort.
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• 18:18 Hair appt tmrw. Thinking of having it shaved, nay — scalped, and replaced with a permanent plastic beehive.
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• 23:12 Thinking of ways to steal Eleanore’s scissors. Who knew coupon-cutting could create such a cacophony? #
• 23:30 HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO CUT SHIT FOR EIGHT HOURS??????? Are there even that many coupons and fingernails OMFG.
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• 09:11 Lazytown dance party, heeee-eeey. #
• 15:17 I wish dramatic soap opera music followed me around all day. Will make that happen. #
• 17:47 Nothing blocks out annoying co-worker phone convos better than Punk Goes Crunk, muthafucka. (Originally typed ‘mouthfucka,’ holla.) #
• 21:59 straight up now tell me, is it gonna be mac n cheese forever. wish i was fucked in a hit and run. #

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