Archive for July, 2009
a post of random happenings
Tonight is Henry’s last night at his second job, and we are both very happy about that. Slightly scared for our financial future, but I know we’ll be a lot happier. We were starting to implode under the stress – Henry from never being home and getting very little sleep, and me from being around Problem Child all day, every day. Plus, I think maybe we might have missed each other a little, too.
I have been a little frazzled lately.
I spoke with my mom on Monday for the first time since last November. Basically, the conversation was dominated by her nonsensical spewing of political conspiracy theories, and begging me not to take a vaccination if someone tries to inject me, because this happened in the ’70s too and it’s called depopulation and OMG OMG OMG she’s moving to Canada. I was in tears, she had me so frustrated. Anytime I would try and tell her how I’ve been doing, she’d interrupt me, once to tell me about a fox that has been digging up her yard. She not once asked about Riley. I can’t say I’m surprised, as she did blatantly miss Christmas and his birthday, and didn’t bother to call when he had to go to the ER a few weeks ago (yes, she knew about it).
The next day, she was admitted to the hospital. According to my equally-as-crazy aunt Sharon, it was for her high blood pressure and they were going to discharge her the next day. Well, now it’s Friday and she’s still in there and I have no idea what’s going on because my only source of information is Sharon, who suffers from chronic Pollyanna disorder and she coats every thing with a triple layer of sunshine and positivity.
It’s hard for me to care about someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit about me, but at the same time, I’m still concerned. I’m hoping that a stay in the hospital might wake her up a little, bring my old mom back. Not that we ever had a great relationship, but it never used to be this estranged and tumultuous. I feel like if I had had Chooch six or seven years ago, perhaps she’d actually have taken a more active role in his life, back before she lost most of her mind and reality. But as it is now, and has been since he was born, she’s very unemotional and awkward around him. In fact, no one really on that side of my family seems to really want to spend any time with him, and that’s probably for the best.
I’m just tired of letting this drag me down; they’re my ball and chain. They are the source of 99% of what plagues me emotionally and mentally, yet I keep letting them back in and all they do is knock me down and down and down.
And this subject has gone on entirely too long.
In much better news, Warped Tour was Wednesday and it was a fantastic day, all ups and no downs.
Pictures forthcoming!
12 commentsThis Is What My Tweets Look Like Since LoudTwitter Fell Down, Went Boom (& is now sucking dicks of the dead)
Tweets: Now in reverse order! The Monday – Thursday edition! Suck on a dick!
- I need a life. #whyimakeuphashtags
- Sucking on the wrong nipple. #consequencesofcarseatsex
- Getting stale Cheerios stuck to your asscheeks. #consequencesofcarseatsex
- Asked Chooch what it feels like sitting in his poop & he said interesting. Gonna have him sit on canvas to see if it LOOKS interesting too.
- In lighter news, my son has taken to sticking things up his asshole.
- My mom is still in the hospital & I have no idea what’s going on.
- Alisha has the worst luck apartment hunting and drags me along for the ride.
- Chooch’s life lesson of the day: Never trust a mommy with a squirt gun. Dummy.
- I am sunburnt and have a major case of music hangover, but it feels so good. Until tonight when post show depression sets in.
- I have no words for Jeffree Starr. Actually I have a lot. Just no desire to type it out.
- I will never get used to anyone other than anthony green singing “7 years.”
- Dance Gavin Dance make me want to form an army. They’re so good live.
- http://twitpic.com/9q38r – Old man, asleep at Warped Tour.
- Man, I wish I had a neckbrace.
- Do not piss off Black Tide. #tryingtoavoidriotsatwarpedtour
- Waiting for A Day To Remember & Henry is nervously asking me questions about them.
- Nick Martin can scream in my face all day long.
- http://twitpic.com/9p8n7 – Waiting for Chiodosssssss. Henry just peed a little.
- I’m going to miss Deanna after she gets trampled in the Chiodos pit:(
- Thank you to the girl on Etsy who just bought 3 of my bathroom plaques – now I can buy a tshirt! #warpedtourrapesmywallet
- http://twitpic.com/9p5lt – “But now ppl will know I’m with you” – Henry
- Every time I ask Henry to get in a picture with me, he says he’s busy.
- Repeating myself 14x to Henry. #thingsidontloveaboutwarpedtour
- I have to love a band who congratulates the Penguins for winning the Cup and then immediately dogs on the Pirates.
- All the older, decidedly less scene people are over here waiting for Bayside. Henry still sticks out like a sore dick though.
- Approaching Ernie Ball Stage for Remember Thy Name & walking into a barrage of growls, Henry mumbled “oh boy I love them already.”
- Gates just opened & I squealed. Henry is frowning.
- Some guy in a band asked ppl behind us what bands they came to hear & Henry mumbled “Exit & See Ya Next Year.” We’re not even inside yet!
- “He doesn’t even have a chin, how could he know what to do?” – Deanna on the Live Nation parking boy.
- The only bad thing about @saucalisha not coming today is that I won’t have a bevy of gum at my disposal.
- Never had a use for the word “bicker” until Blake & Deanna were in the backseat of my car.
- Just heard vagina slams instead of Virginia Slims.
- The worst part of Warped Tour is waiting for Henry to get his shit together so we can fucking go.
- Nothing is cuter than a little kid laughing in his sleep. Well, except for a wino drinking rabbit blood in an alley.
- Can never sleep on Warped Tour Eve.
- Going with @saucalisha to look at apartments today made me want to move. WITH OR WITHOUT HENRY. & preferrably next to kickball fanatics.
- The doctors think my mom had a stroke, she’s being admitted. I don’t feel a single fucking emotion over it. I wish I did.
- Weren’t @ soccer field for 30 seconds before Chooch fell, scraped his knee. Then he got tangled in a net & hit in the mouth w/ wiffle ball.
- http://twitpic.com/9mbjk – Sweat-styled hair.
- My mom just called & I sat here staring at the phone. Just…no energy for this.
- This time tomorrow, I’ll have perma-smile, Henry will have perma-scowl, and Chooch will probably have gotten lost 3x.
- Heard Janna say “I want 2 get a baby performer” rather than “baby pool 4 him” &I’m like “How hard does she think it is 2 entertain my son?”
- My new playground boyfriend has a German shepherd named Trina & firecrackers at home.
- Playgrounds: putting me in awkward predicaments since 2006.
- Henry, it’s time you talk to Chooh about why his weener sometimes stands up. I would if I could, you know, stop laughing.
1 comment
Custom ancestor series
One of my return customers asked if I could make a monster Abraham Lincoln painting for her husband’s birthday and I think it was the most fun I’ve had so far since I started my Etsy shop 2 years ago.
Mostly because I’m a Lincoln-lover, too.
And then Janna was all, “When I get my own classroom, you can paint all the Presidents for me!
“
“NOT FOR FREE, I WON’T” I yelled after I slapped her with a rotting blowfish.
8 commentstweets become a hassle
\Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.
- 15:11 I’m in a helicopter. No I’m not.
- 16:25 Sometimes I really wish I had a mom. You know, one that took an active interest in my life.
- 16:27 Oh no, now Scuderi too. :( #pens
- 16:28 @saucalisha so THAT’S why I was always getting date-raped in high school!
- 21:09 I’m so glad I have a three-year-old and a fridge w/ a water & ice dispenser, all under one roof.
- 12:31 The zoo always seems like a good idea. It is not a good idea.
- 12:55 Blake turns into a germ-freak in the monkey house.
- 13:00 I’ve not yet killed a person but the zoo always threatens to change that.
- 13:04 Ok we just got to watch some zoo asshole toss apples at the gorillas so the zoo doesn’t suck so bad now.
- 13:47 http://twitpic.com/95y76 – Zoo queers
- 17:43 Alisha is being sucked in by the real world issues of Degrassi. It goes there. (She even made me fast forward thru the commercials.)
- 17:57 Having two pseudo-babysitters with me all day does not make controlling Chooch any easier.
- 20:00 OMG NEW DEGRASSI WHAT HAPPENED TO JANE
- 01:53 Finally realized what my new neighbors do that makes that noise so late at night – drag body bags up and down the steps. I need in on this.
- 11:04 I guess when the girls on this new Real World don’t have good looks going for them, they have to compensate with cunty attitudes.
- 11:06 1st I hated Ayiiiah b/c her name has superfluous vowels, then I hated her for her chipped teeth. Now I hate her for non-shallow reasons….
- 11:06 Like her weak wall-punching skills & stupid highlights
- 12:09 God, Henry. I wouldn’t kill myself until AFTER Warped Tour. Now give me back my scissors.
- 13:11 Henry, to me: “you have a personality, you just hide it.” Alisha, to me: “can u hide it a little more when I’m around?”
- 13:43 Happy to be going to someone else’s cookout for once. I brought #thingieball, to add some Erin flavor.
- 15:40 Remembering the last time I played wiffle ball exactly 4 yrs ago today where I was unjustly called out. Re-angeration is occuring.
- 16:25 Alisha got my foot drunk with fruity alcohol. Afraid podiatric date-rape is imminent.
- 16:29 http://twitpic.com/9b0d8 – Loser in a tent.
- 16:50 “It’s like on Harper’s Island!” Chooch exclaimed as he attempted to spear Henry’s leg with a stick.
- 17:34 http://twitpic.com/9bak7 – Henry is the worst dessert picker. Looks are deceiving! I’ma puke now.
- 17:34 There are big dogs here, threatening Henry’s masculinity. He’s gonna try to do some hardcore sexplay tonight to regain some if it.
- 18:08 Overheard at cookout: “Michael Jackson is a freakin’ FREAK.” How ignorant! He WAS a freakin’ freak.
- 18:28 http://twitpic.com/9bisd – Loser on the steps.
- 18:46 Called Henry “man I came here w/” rather than grace him w/ the bf title. He goes “hope u find someone else to be the man u LEAVE here w/”
- 20:29 Alisha thinks it’s fantastic that I can bring every convo back to Degrassi. & by fantastic she means really fucking annoying.
- 21:09 http://twitpic.com/9c7xt – Waiting downtown for fireworks, Alisha is tightly wound.
- 22:43 We’re on the wrong trolley. Preparing for my new life as a boxcar kid. #cantreadsigns
- 22:46 OMG IM FREAKING OUT. The world looks so scary out there!! I’m going to be lost in it forever now! HEEENNNRY HELLLLPPPPPP!!
- 02:40 Thank you, new neighbors, for waiting until 2:38am to stand beneath my bedroom window & fire off roman candles. My racing heart feels great
- 11:16 If there was one thing I learned yesterday, its that a fenced-in tard should be a prerequisite to having a baby.
- 12:48 I had public transportation nightmares last night, in which @saucalisha‘s face was papered along the sides of all the buses.
- 13:51 I hope Degrassi has an episode revolving around chest pains so I can learn what to do about mine.
- 14:06 Oh and three tweets ago? Tard = yard, though I suppose a fenced-in tard would provide hours of amusement for a child, too. Probably more.
- 14:11 The queen purveyor of zombie dolls, @mrsevils, is having a giveaway on her blog, go enter! http://bit.ly/3ijdnm
- 12:16 The first time I talk to my mom in 7 mths & she cuts me off to start spouting off her govt conspiracy theories. Fucking fantastic.
- 12:20 I have honestly never met a family with such a crippling inability to be happy for one of their own. It’s like a disease.
- 13:00 Chooch had his 2nd klutz episode of the day which brought my finger-pointing neighbor to her window.
LoudTwitter commited suicide so I get to do these by hand and let me tell you it sure is fun.
No commentsThe Zoo: Why Do I Torture Myself?
I’ve been really stressed out lately so my Aunt Charmaine sent me some free zoo passes, assuming that taking my wild child out to a public place would solve all my problems. I never would have taken him by myself, because I’m not too proud to admit that I know how much I can handle, and that is not one of those things. Luckily, there were four passes and Alisha had off work on Friday.
Blake expressed interest so by Friday morning, we had put together a quaint little zoo expedition.
The only thing missing was Henry the Chooch-Wrangler, but I figured with three sets of capable hands, we’d be fine.
Yeah, right.
It was a rainy day. I hoped deep down that would deter most people from coming out.
Yeah, right x2.
It was more crowded than I have ever seen the zoo. So crowded, in fact, that we were banished to some gravel lot riddled with tall weeds, empty Newport boxes, and probably if we looked hard enough, a syringe or two. I hoped Blake and Alisha would be all, “Fuck it, let’s go to a strip club instead” but no, they were under the impression that braving solid human walls was worth it since our passes were free.
Chooch refused to pose for this picture because we wouldn’t let him scramble to the top like he wanted. So he posed for this pouting shot instead.
0.5 seconds after this photo was taken, he kicked mud all over my shoes and ankles, which was very refreshing. My pink Converse looked so plain without wet sod splatters all over them, anyway.
Blake was super worried about his hair getting wet and washing away scene points, so he hid under Alisha’s umbrella the whole time. Alisha hid under her hood, while I braved the rain, allowing it to jeri curl my bangs. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway, because rain or not I’d have still been drenched with sweat from chasing Chooch around. Jesus Christ, that kid does.not.stop EVER. He’d approach an exhibit, glance at whatever was behind the fence, and say, “Aw how cute, OK let’s go” and then all we’d see was a flash of his shirt as he jettisoned deeper into the crowd.
And speaking of the crowd — sure, there were small pockets of people huddled together at each animal exhibit we came upon, but nothing as bad as I was anticipating, which made me wonder where the fuck everyone was because judging by the parking lot, half the city was out ogling wildlife. Of course, there were the obligatory fanny-packed wide asses that shove their way past and stand in just the right position to block your view with their frizzy heads.
Aside from all the people-ogling, I’d have liked to have stopped to gawk at the elephants a little but that wasn’t on Chooch’s agenda.
Running through the monkey house was, though.
That’s what Chooch looked like the whole time: a blur. Even with three of us, it seemed like all we did was bolt after him. It’s time to invest in a leash, a taser, and a straight jacket.
Blake spent $2 on a zoo key so he could jam it in the box, make some annoying animal song play in the key of 80s power ballad, and then walk away after twenty seconds of it. In this particular photo, he was lamenting that no matter what side of the key he plunged in, the box would only spurt out animal facts AND NO SONG. I bet if he was on Twitter, his followers would have felt tremors.
Later, when we arrived at the aquarium, it was clear that THAT’S where the contents of every parked car was. It took all the braun and crowded room-germ alert endurance I had within in me just to snap a quick photo of the penguins, and it was only dire to me because of the Penguins banner.
Chooch would have nothing to do with anything in the aquarium, yet later on when we asked, “Hey Chooch, what did you see at the zoo?” he’d spit out, “Nuffin’! FISH.” And then roll his eyes in disgust that we had the audacity to bother him with such asinine questions.
On the way out, Chooch walked ahead of us and I hoped that maybe that could be his new family. Like if I could just sneak him inside that woman’s bag.
As we were leaving down the steepest escalator in the world, Blake wistfully said, “I wish there was a CD with all those awesome zoo key songs on it” and no more then fifteen seconds later, a recording came on through the speakers in the escalator, informing us that a CD of the zoo key songs could be purchased in the gift shop. At that moment, I was so relieved that I wasn’t Blake’s parent and therefore under no obligation to take him back to the gift shop and fork over some exorbitant sum for a CD with songs about what zebras eat for dinner.
Why I continue to go to the zoo is beyond me. I mean, you think I would learn my lesson by now. [Ex.1. Ex.2. Ex.3.] I love animals, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t like people, and I don’t like humidity, and I especially don’t like these things while I’m chasing after my child, making sure he doesn’t become a snack for the lions or the Silverback’s new bouncy ball.
So at the end of the day, was I any less stressed out?
No. But I guess it was still kind of fun. A little bit. Hey, at least I saw a Penguins banner?
3 commentsWhen tweets have to be posted manually because LoudTwitter is too busy fucking corn cobs
Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.
- 13:08 Thought we were still playing ‘pretend’ when Chooch gave me a cup & said “drink ur water!” Wasn’t expecting the splash; was refreshing tho.
- 15:31 Let’s all pretend like we’re dishwashers in a shit diner.
- 16:13 I had a homeroom teacher in HS who would always take my side, even when I was the one causing trouble. She died today.
- 16:48 My life needs less clever, more cleaver. (And no change of cleavage.)
- 23:35 Henry said I make him scared. He must have heard the snap.
- 23:43 Henry’s complaining that the scratches I gave him sting. LIKE MY HEART
- 01:23 Uh-oh.
- 10:49 Just sobbed to a Jehovah’s Witness. At noon, I’m cuddling with a Scientologist. 4pm is Draino time.
- 18:41 Looking to exchange recipes with a cannibal but the only one I knew ate himself.
- 20:50 Top a weener with a plastic blue cup & watch me sing Happy Birthday. It must be Tuesday
- 00:02 I hate a fucking swindler.
- 11:03 Chooch wants to wear a dress to his staple-removal appointment. I told him fine b/c it really complements his chocolate milk mustache.
- 12:13 I kept Chooch’s staples so that when he becomes infamous, which he will, I can sell them on eBay.
- 12:18 Dr’s office acquired a fine looking male nurse since the last time I was there, gave me a lollipop. Took the bait, will be back for more.
- 14:45 http://twitpic.com/8ygiy – I’m score.
- 16:12 My friend Lisa is visiting from Colorado & we have hang-outs scheduled for tonight. Hopefully Chooch won’t call her a motherfucker
- 01:17 Now that I think about it, I’m positive Lucas from Degrassi was the nurse holding Chooch’s head during the staple-plucking.
- 01:20 “‘Sore-y’ if this hurts, buddy, but we’ll have them all ‘oot’ faster than you can say Saskatchawan. Next episode, I date-rape ur mom, eh.”
- 01:40 Lisa brought me pie. I thanked her by using her as a therapist. By the end, we were both bloated, so it was an even trade.
Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter. Now you can rest easy, knowing my (sometimes incriminating) inner-most thoughts, actions and tampon-change. Please do not call the FBI.
6 commentsperfection will never overpower us
I find myself swimming farther than I ever planned to go out in this lost ocean /
I still feel hate reaching out to save me, it’s deep down, OH but it’s there.
Hello, sums up how I feel lately, like I’m doggy-paddling vigorously and nothing is happening. Thank god for Emarosa.
2 comments
