You guys, one more day until the best, most superior month of all! It’s always October in my heart but I really can’t think of a time when I’m consistently as happy as I am from Octover 1 – October 31. Sigh. I will say it’s not AS GOOD as it was when Chooch was little and still dressing up and trick or treating, or when I was in high school and actually had friends who wanted to go to haunted houses. But, it continues to be wonderfully magnificent, just in new and different ways as I age.

Right now, I have a black cat blanket around me, Blair Witch Project on the TV behind me, getting stoked for when I log off work and go to a haunted hayride with Henry (and possibly Chooch if he feels like hanging out with his dumb parents). But in the meantime, let’s do some fiving! I thought maybe in preparation of haunted house season, we could have a jam sesh to five of my favorite horror movie theme songs?! Yeah let’s do it!

1. Suspiria theme by Goblin

OBVIOUSLY.

2. Cry Little Sister – Lost Boys

This song truly is timeless. It’s just as epic now as it was the first time I watched this movie in 1987. Related but random: Chooch and I were at Mad Mex for dinner last month and the song from the infamous BATHTUB SCENE was playing there. I was like, CHOOCH LISTEN, and he couldn’t tell what it was at first but then it clicked for him and we bonded for .0003 seconds over The Lost Boys before he went back to complaining about his food and doing dumb shit on his phone. Anyway, this was a significant moment for me because when I was young, I was obsessed with that song and SO PISSED when I bought the soundtrack only to find that it wasn’t included! Cry Little Sister is still the best song though and let’s be real, the whole soundtrack could just be that song 12x in a row and a bitch would be happy. (Well, as long as Mummy Calls was on there as a bonus track.)

3. Dawn of the Dead theme

Sometimes I just put this one when I need to concentrate on something. It’s a mood.

4. Love Song for a Vampire – Bram Stoker’s Dracula

OK maybe not what you have in mind when you think of horror movie songs but I have always been ohhhb-sessed with this Annie Lennox Dracula classic. I used to listen to it on repeat in my bedroom and cry when I was in middle school.

5. Maypole Song – The Wicker Man

 I mean come on, this is fucking creepy and still to this day makes me ultra uncomfy.

Obviously the theme to Halloween has got to be my fave but everyone knows that jam.

I forgot that we brought “the good camera” to Florida with us last April because literally time it was used was the last day when we went to the Fountain of Youth. I was being lazy and didn’t feel like carrying it so Henry ended up sort of using it. Here are some pictures he took, which I didn’t know existed until I was using the camera on Sunday at the pie party and saw them when I was scrolling through the pictures. I know it was forever ago that we were there, but I wanted to post some anyway because it was such a fun trip and I still think about it a lot. Traveling with Henry and Chooch keeps getting better the older we all get even though we still HAVE OUR MOMENTS of cattiness, ha.

Speaking of getting older, one thing that I appreciate so much more now that I’m nearly middle-aged (am I already middle-aged??) is plants! I never would have given a shit about Florida’s vegetation back in the day but now that I’m a houseplant hoe bag, I had to run my fingers along every plant that I passed. I loved these ones and I have several similar plants in my house! Of course, they’re tough for me to keep happy since they’re tropical-y.  I was happy when I discovered these pictures on the camera and saw that  Henry took one of these!

There were all kind of crab-things in that water and it was creeping me out, bigly.

That bruise on my calf! What a temporary memento of all the insane coasters we rode on this trip.

The fact that we paid like $20pp or something to enter this sulfur water tourist trap and spent most of the time fucking around with the peacocks, pigeons, and squirrels is very on brand with the Appledale clan.

WHOA. AMAZING. 5 STARS.

***

We don’t have any road trips set in stone until Thanksgiving, so I will be occupying my mind with haunted house-hopping and counting down to  the NCT127 show in Newark (doesn’t count as a “fun road trip” because the drive to Newark, and Newark itself, is never fun).

I love fall so so so much but a bitch is depressed that summer is over, sitting here shivering in leggings and a hoodie. :( I was just going to whine about how I haven’t ridden a rolleroaster in x-amount of time, but then I realized it was literally less than a week ago, lol. STILL.

(As I was writing this I had no idea that St Augustine was affected by Hurricane Ian. I hope everyone is ok!)

1. All I Want – Darcey Bell

Henry and I listened to this audiobook on the drive home from New Hampshire after my birthday and it was dumb, not scary, had really stupid characters. 100% forgettable. I only chose it because it was relatively short and we wanted something that we could finish the day, and I thought the cover was snazzy.

2. The Weird Sisters – Eleanor Brown 

The library’s recommendation service really did me dirty with this one. A trio of insufferable sisters, a cringey dad who speaks exclusively in Shakespeare quotes, no plot, messy narration. I truly didn’t care about any of these people except for the mom who spent the whole book in the background battling breast cancer.

What a waste of time.

3. The Last Guest House – Megan Miranda

This was OK but I think I need to recognize the fact that Megan Miranda books just aren’t for me.

4. The Summer Place – Jennifer Weiner

My least favorite book of Weiner’s so far because the characters were flat but I still cried at the end. I’m not a monster, you know.

5. Just Like Home – Sarah Gailey

What did I just read. This was fine, but not what I wanted and now that I’m recapping my August reads I’m just feeling depressed because did I read anything good and worth recommending to my bookish peeps??

Actually, this book was interesting and well-written, it just wasn’t what I was craving. I am SO PICKY with horror these days. It’s been a good long while since a book SCARED ME. Maybe I should just re-read Peter Straub’s books because barely anything compares to him in my eyes.

If you’ve read a really good horror novel recently, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, tell me about it.

6. Memphis – Tara M. Stringfellow

OK OK, finally, a 5-STAR BOOK in August. I love generational family sagas and this one was IT. Wait. What’s that burning sensation in my face – oh that’s just the tears springing up at the memory of the amazing women in this book.

It was good. Read it.

7. Hide – Kiersten White

…aaaand right back to a 1-star read! Why-o why-o why-o did I not DNF this trash book-o? Ugh. I was reading this on our trip to Wildwood too and it was so fucking bad. SO FUCKING BAD.

Well, let’s go with my Goodreads review: One of the most terrible books I’ve ever read. All the characters (too many, IMO) felt like SIMS. The plot was a cluster. The whole time, I just kept saying WHO CARES. This is supposed to be an adult novel but it felt middle grade at best. (Not to knock middle grade books – I’ve read books from that age bracket that are so much entertaining and compelling than whatever this is.)

8. Just Like Mother – Anne Heltzel 

Four stars! Not what I was expecting, but pretty fucking creepy, I’m not going to lie. I love cult stuff and this was actually a good one with a pretty original plot. (I’m not sure that I would consider it horror though? Thriller, yes.)

9. Black Cake – Charmaine Wilkerson

That’s another 5-star book for me, Stu. Drop what you’re doing and pick this up STAT. And bake me a black cake while you’re at it.

10. Vacationland – Meg Mitchell Moore

OK this is the book that I wanted that recent Jennifer Weiner one to be. 4 stars, maybe even 4.5 – I was invested in this family! The kids were GREAT – I loved the chapters that included the letters one of the young, elementary school-aged daughters was writing home to her dad. Hilarious and heartwarming. Everyone in this book had my whole heart. If it was turned into a TV drama, something along the lines of Brothers and Sisters (LOVED THAT DAMN SHOW) I would consider getting cable again.

I need to read more from this broad and see if she legit has the potential to be a new fave author or if it was just a fluke. I WILL REPORT BACK, MAYBE.

11. Mika in Real Life – Emiko Jean

I really enjoyed this. I don’t know what else you want me to say. Mika was charming and lovable and the story was heart-warming.

12. The Pallbearers’ Club – Paul Tremblay

OK Paul Tremblay. I see you.

While this wasn’t as scary (or scary at all) as I had hoped, it was actually a really good story about the relationship of the guy and girl that made up the very short-lived Pallbearer’s Club. I loved that it was written as a novel transcript from the POV of the founding member of the club several decades later, with “editor’s notes” from the other member scribbled in the margins in red font. It’s lowkey a vampire story but mostly just a really sentimental exploration into the friendship between two people.

I wish I was better at reviewing books lol.

One of the Booktubers I follow on Goodreads said it much better: “Imagine you’re in a movie theatre watching a lonely and slow little indie film following 2 unlikely friends throughout the years, but you think you can vaguely hear an epic vampire movie playing through the walls, three theatres down.

That about sums up the reading experience for this book (and the amount of horror it contains.)” – BooksandLala, 2022

13. Cult Classic – Sloane Crosley

The fact that I was going to DNF actually scares me because this ended up being a solid 5-star read for me. OK listen, what happened was, I had the audiobook for this first, and I just couldn’t pay attention to it while out for a walk. In all honesty, this isn’t the type of book that can be “casually listened to.” It is SO SMARTLY WRITTEN and so BRILLIANTLY FUNNY, but it deserves your full and undivided attention. I’m glad I gave it another shot in physical book form because I became obsessed with it. It was so funny and weird and obscure, unlike anything I’ve read before.

It’s a fucking trip, and it was a great end to a subpar reading month.

That’s all. I read 13 books and only truly remember maybe half of them lol.

Heyo I’m having issues with my blog AGAIN and I can’t upload pictures so instead of whatever worthless bullshit I was going to publish onto the Internet, here is NCT127 performing a medley of their best songs to give you a taste of how fabulous they are.

“Kpop is all auto tune and lipsynching.”

Bitch please. These boys ate the damn CDs.

“NCT127 is noisepop.”

YES WE CAME FOR THE CHAOTIC NOISINESS AND STAYED FOR THE HONEY VOCALS.

(My fave is Back 2 U in case you were wondering. And please appreciate the harmonizing on Favorite. I love them so much. OCTOBER 13TH!!!)

In other news, I dusted off the haunted house journal! Technically I already have two haunts under the belt for 2022 season and I am have my schedule penciled in for the next several weekends. BRING IT!!

Before I start this post, I want to express my sadness for the terrible events that took place at Kennywood, the night after Henry and I were there. Honestly, nothing related to gun violence is shocking or surprising anymore, but it’s still very much sad and maddening. It’s very fortunate that no one sustained life-threatening injuries, but the fact that a gun was even able to make it into Kennywood at all is a huge problem. The part that made me angry-laugh was that I actually thought, “Well, it sounds like it was at least just a regular gun and not an assault rifle” Because that’s where we are right now in America, I guess. “Thank god it was a least-bad type of gun.” “Oh, thank god it was just a dispute between people who knew each other and not a random mass shooting.” “Thank god that person was ‘just shot in the leg’ and nowhere worse.” I could go on and on but it’s the same effing story every damn time. Come the fuck on, America. 

I hope everyone involved have speedy recoveries and no PTSD, though that’s one hell of a hope. :/

I haven’t been to Kennywood’s Fright Fest, or whatever they’re calling it now, since 2006. And as much as my appreciation for Kennywood has grown over the years, I gotta be real here: I am REALLY glad we didn’t pay for this. Since it was the Pass Holder preview or whatever, the crowds were fairly light and but the lines for the haunts were pretty long. I would have been a lot angrier about that if we had paid to get in.

I’ll save the haunt reviews for my WRITTEN JOURNAL that no one cares about, but I’ll just say here that we only did two – Villa of the Vampire and Malice in Wonderland – and the cemetery walk-thru.

The best part of Villa was standing in line (we did this right when we got there, well, ok, after Henry peed, so the line wasn’t too outrageous yet, maybe 25-30 minutes) was watching this little boy get totally pwned (do the kids still use this word? and by kids, I mean people who are now probably 35?) by the clowns at the entrance to one of the scare zones. He was acting so tough until one of them chased him and then he let loose the mots high-pitched shriek YA’LL EVER DID HEARD. He was super entertaining, especially when he asked some old man if he could borrow his cane to beat the clown!

Highlight of the Villa: Luca, the vampire in the beginning that I immediately imprinted on, and the old ass Vamp King who descended from his throne in order to get in my face and ask me to be his Queen.

“Sure, I’m single,” I shrugged.

Everything else was dumb and by “everything else” I mean the absolute nothingness that happened.

The sign was cool though.

Honestly though the best part was getting to ride the coasters, boiiii. Here we are in line for Jack Rabbit which was almost a walk-on.

Also – Chooch didn’t go with us because he was SO TIRED. And also, HIS PARENTS ARE LAME.

After this, we waited in line for the Alice in Wonderland thing for AN HOUR. Maybe longer. Apparently, it’s an upcharge on normal operating nights? I mean, there was a ticket booth, so I dunno. The line was pretty uneventful except for:

• annoying teenagers who bitched about their Pepsi tasting like Not Pepsi, Maybe Poison but still drinking it, taking pictures of each other for a solid minutes using the .5x option.
• little kid crying because he lost his spider ring and I totally knew where it was in line because I remember staring at it and willing it to come to life and infecting me with venom while Henry was talking about something dumbz0rz, but then his mom walked back through the line until she found it so I didn’t get to be a hero :(
• seeing one of the scare actors and realizing he used to work at Castle Blood.
• two skunks scuttling around the Steel Curtain area, looking for a food. An old man security guard kept watch.
• Old Man Security Guard asked the line attendant, “Is that group going in next?” she said yes. “Can I go with them?” she said yes. Now annoying teens with their annoying selfies and Poison Pepsi were going through a haunted house with a POPO lololol. They looked very not happy about this but the hilarious thing is that my takeaway from his exchange with the line attendant was that he was on his break and just genuinely wanted to check out a haunt. See what all these civilians were lining up for.

All I’ll say about this one is that immediately I was S T O K E D. The actors were very made-up, super into character, the room designs were immersive and creepy-whimsical, there were genuinely good jump scares, the Tea Party room was chaotic as it should be, there was a really great mirror illusion involving a banquet table, the Queen was scary….all of this happened in the first 5 minutes, so much to pack in! And then after the Queen, the exit to the Steelers County courtyard.

The end.

An hour in line for 5 minutes inside.

NOPE, KENNYWOOD. That’s not how this shit works are you new???

I would have been PISSED if I paid to get in, first of all, and then paid extra on top of that.

Man, so much potential with this one!

Then we had pizza and I was served some old-ass corner piece that was about 3/4 crust and Henry was like, “Do you want me to ask them for another piece?” and I said, “no” in my pouty tone, but then Henry asked anyway and the 12-year-old kid working was like, “I just put in a new cheese pizza, if you don’t mind waiting” and you know what? I did mind waiting, so I took my dumb crust piece and sulked off. Henry picked the pepperoni off of his slice and gave me half because he didn’t want the night to take a turn.

While we were eating, Old Man Security Guard strode by, shoveling the last quarter of a pizza slice into his bent back head and then stuff the paper plate into one of the clown trash cans in Kiddie Land.

“Wow, he is literally having the best night ever,” I said, watching him meander off toward another haunt. Love that for him.

Terrible haunts aside, it’s always nice to be at an amusement park on a chilly fall night, fog in the air, creepy lighting illuminating the paths. The scare zones were pretty fun, I will say.

This is actually where the shooting took place the next night. :(

Everyone knows by now that the real reason we went that night was to ride our One True Love, Phantom’s Revenge. <3

There were two young girls in the row next to us and the older one was seamlessly roping me into their conversation. She was telling me ALL KINDS OF STORIES like how Black Window broke down recently and everyone got stuck upside for an hour. I went along with it but Black Widow doesn’t go upside down and I’m pretty sure she’s confusing it with Aero360 which got stuck for 5 minutes earlier in the season.

I also told her I liked her shoelaces and Chooch would have been melting into the ground from the sheer force of the secondhand cringe.

But OH BABY Phantom in the pitch darkness on a chilly night, plummeting into darkness…this is the best part of Kennywood. This is why enthusiasts ALL OVER THE WORLD have Kennywood on their bucket list.

So damn good, it’s almost disgusting.

And it was FLYING that night. So smooth!! No back-crunching!

After that, we did Exterminator – lights out! I love this ride so much but the last couple of times I rode it, I started to not love it as much. Well, my love rebloomed last Friday because this was hands down the best ride I’ve ever had on it. I was scream-laughing SO HARD, ask Henry. Go on, ask him!

What else – we rode SWINGSHOT which has replaced Aero360 as my favorite flat ride. I love that stupid ride so much and I can’t believe that it was actually the LAST TIME I was at Fright Fest in 2006 that I ride it for the very first time with Kara and then quickly vowed to never ever ever ride that fucker again. I’m so glad I let Chooch talk me back on it when he was younger because wow, a trip to K-wood is not complete without at least one ride on this thing. My only complaint is that I am CERTAIN the cycles are shorter  now and that makes me sad.

Also, I thought my ex-boyfriend Jeff was riding this with us but my eyes are bad and it probably wasn’t him. I mean, I haven’t seen him since the year we broke up (2001!!) so I wouldn’t really know what he looks like aside from what I see on Insta.

One more ride on Phantom and it was 10:30 already. Park closed at 11 but I was SHIVERING and Needy Chooch was texting us for food, god it’s always something with him!! J/k we love that pest.

Henry thought I was getting in line to go through the Vampire thing again and then we had a big laugh about that, lol.

The facade was so nice though! Maybe they just did a half-staff thing for pass holder preview but if that’s the case, that’s pretty rude.

P.S. I forgot about the cemetery. It was very very very tame but I enjoyed this ghost bitch wading in the green-lit fountain.

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Hello from the second half of our ultra fun day Great America! It was just Labor Day Weekend but they were already setting up for their haunt. I made Henry stand in this tunnel thing so I could photograph him like one of my french bitches.

I think he’s actually opening his little packet of aspirin in these pictures, lol. Can’t ride more than two coasters without it.

For Snack Time, I had this Dole Whip swirl. It was mango and strawberry. It was fine but like, why so much hype for Dole Whip though? Henry got a pretzel for his Snack Time and I had regertz so I gave him the rest of my Dole Whip in exchange for like 3/4 of said pretzel.

In line for the Flash – Henry dislikes Intamin Impulse coasters but I super-love them and he was my riding buddy on this day so SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP.

I always get extremely nervous waiting for the launch but guess what?? It was actually really weak. So weak that I thought they were having an issue but no, it was nervous I guess. Nowhere near as thrilling as my beloved Wicked Twister (RIP baby).

I always enjoy a good fling on the Batman clones! This one looked like it had a really long line but it wasn’t long at all. Really none of the lines were bad all day except for Joker (low capacity) and MaxxForce (this is just problematic and I feel like the line would be long no matter what).

I didn’t get anything from here but thought it was cute, OK.

At some point in the day, Chooch rode his 250th coaster and actually had one of his friends take a picture because I told him MAKE SURE YOU GET A PICTURE because you know me and my obsessive need to document every little moment of his life for the future MOMMY LOVES YOU scrapbook that I’ll be sure to present to him in front of a crowd someday.

OK, I was extremely excited to ride American Eagle! It was Intamin’s first foray into a wooden coaster and all I knew from coaster vlogs is that it is a legit HIKE through this queue, and boy they weren’t wrong. You just keep walking and walking, up and down and up and down, across a ROAD, until you finally reach the station. If that entire queue is ever actually filled, I would be horrified.

Halfway through our leisurely Sunday stroll through the American Eagle queue.

The line didn’t even actually begin until we reached the bottom of the steps leading up to the station. Then we played musical rows because I couldn’t settle on one – we started in the middle row because the only way Henry would agree to ride any of the wooden coasters was if I agreed to sit in the middle and not my beloved back row. But in the end, I had maneuvered my way to the front row and that’s where we stayed. It was right next to the ride op’s room and there were various rubber ducks lining the edges of it which was entertaining to look at it while waiting for the slow AF ops – it’s supposed to be a racing coaster but they were only running one train on one side, which was annoying  but I swear this seems to be the new norm anymore – King’s Dominion, Cedar Point – maybe King’s Island but I can’t remember now? – were all running one side only on their racing coasters the last few times we were there.

Our thoughts on American Eagle:

Henry – it wasn’t that bad, I’ve ridden worse wooden coasters.

Me – I FUCKING LOVED IT. It made me laugh my effing ugly face off so hard, it was ridiculous. Not nearly as rough as it looks like it would be, and the HELIX, YO. THE HELIX. Do not skip this if you go to Great America.

HERE IS A PICTURE OF US EXITING THE RIDE.

WHIZZER!!! Holy shit, Great America – you got a super weirdly-rounded coaster collection! This Schwartzkopf (I am NOT looking up the spelling, sorry imaginary journalism degree) oddity was so unique and felt like something the Brady Bunch would have ridden together and Alice would have been screaming into a kerchief while Marsha was making eyes at the muttonchopped ride op.

It’s a toboggan-style coaster where two people sit front to back on one long seat so I would have had to try and sit between Henry’s legs without jamming my knees into the seat in front of me.  I was super worried that Henry and I wouldn’t fit in one car together so we had to ride separately because I wanted to spare us from the trauma of being fat-shamed.  This was definitely made for two children or a parent and child and I noticed other adult couples were also riding stag so that is what we did too, sorry Henry, I know you were looking forward to squeezing your thighs against my saddle bags. Much erotic.

After this, we passed Chooch and his SQUAD GIRLS! The girls happily waved hello to us like normal functioning humans while Chooch looked like he wanted the earth to open up and engulf him whole. I can’t remember where Henry and I were headed, but we ended up changing our minds and going back to finally face the MaxxForce line which was hovering between 60-90 minutes all day.

GUESS WHO HAD THE SAME IDEA??? Chooch and his squad girls! WOO!! So much to Chooch’s chagrin, he ended up having to live the waking nightmare of standing in the same line with his PARENTS and GIRL FRIENDS for NINETY MINUTES. Yeah, I didn’t even realize we were in for 90 minutes until Chooch was bitching about it later and I was like “There is no way we were in that line for that long?” but he argued that we were, so I checked my phone for receipts because I texted Corey the moment we got in line with them and then I took that picture down there of Chooch right when we were next in line, and yep.

Ninety fucking minutes.

The big TO DO of this line was the fact that Chooch was wearing the same shirt as that guy behind us. His girl friends (Anna and Lexi) were dying over this and I said, “That’s his Dad Shirt” and that made them lose it all over again and Chooch kept making INSANE ORCHESTRAL CONDUCTOR hands motions next to his head like he was willing to swallow a stick a dynamite in order to escape the pain of his Mexico world colliding with MOMMY.

I was super engrossed in what they were talking about, too, but Henry kept gently pulling me back by my shoulders and making a subtle, “Give them space” eye blinks.

UGH.

They were totally talking about CIEE people and I wanted to know!!

At one point, Chooch made eye contact with Anna and then turned and made eye contact with me, and screamed, “STOP LOOKING AT ME!!” and the anguish on his face you guys, the wet glint of agony in his eyes. It was hilarious. Anna was laughing so hard and squealed, “Why do you get so upset when people look at you?!”

Oh, the trials and tribs of Riley J.

(Speaking of, we were very good about calling him RILEY in front of his friends although Anna found my Insta and knows about “Chooch” now so he was like, “And I would like to thank you for that.” LOL.)

THAT FACE THO.

We did not ride Little Dipper for absolutely no good reason. Apparently, Chooch didn’t either and he was pretty salty about it because it’s all about the COASTER CREDS. Guess we’ll just have to go back!?

Somewhere after MaxxForce, we rode Superman and it was excellent (Henry hates flying coasters but admitted it was OK) and whatever their indoor wild mouse is. Gotham something. It was about a 25 minute wait and also the only time all day that I got mad at Henry because I was trying to tell him a really important story and he kept looking past me and I HATE THAT because it makes me feel like he’s not listening to me so then I gave him the silent treatment and he cried and begged me to be his friend again.

Then on the ride, he caught the hat of the guy in front of us and it was probably the most heroic he’s felt since he was IN THE SERVICE.

That ride was actually good too! I think Great Adventure is where we rode the clone and I don’t remember thinking that one was any good because the theming was shit, but this one was SO GOOD. The theming was there and the ride itself was actually really intense and I nearly got whiplash.

Then I demanded Henry buy me a Six Flags sweatshirt because I was legit freezing in a t-shirt and shorts all day. So now I have red Six Flags sweatshirt which was actually a hassle to buy because some asshole family was hogging the whole rack and then I had to ask an employee if they had Mediums and she had to forage “in the back” for one. At that point, I was locked in. Had to buy it.

I have to say though, while Six Flags can generally be so hit or miss (they have major issues, I’m not even exaggerating, basically the Walmart of theme park chains at this point) their gift shop employees have always been EXCEPTIONALLY FRIENDLY AND HELPFUL. Literally every single park.

Anyway, this sweatshirt was a game-changer. Or, mood-changer really. Because I was really getting cranky but now that I was warm and cozy, I felt like I was given a do-over and was ready to get back out there and have fun again.

Got a late night black bean burger at some place in the Raging Bull area of the park. It was OK but they apparently didn’t have the sauce that was supposed to come with it and I get really mad about stuff like that because I LOVE ME SOME CONDIMENTS. The waffle fries were surprisingly good, but the pretzel bun was very dry and didn’t really do much for me. I would have preferred whatever bun Henry had on his meat sandwich.

Running back to try and get one last ride on Goliath before park closed. I LOVE the feeling of being in a park when it’s nearly ready to close. It’s like, romantic or something, I dunno.

We made it in line for Goliath and GUESS WHO ELSE DID TOO? LOL. They were behind us a bit. I let Chooch know we were aware of his location by texting him a picture I took of him from my spot in line, because I read the Creepy Mom Handbook when I was pregnant and it’s gotten me this far without causing a complete and utter relationship severance, so why stop now.

They ended up getting on the train right after us and I tried to get a picture of them coming onto the brake run but I stupidly moved before it was done so it was just one big blur. :(

We talked to them for a little bit after they got off Goliath, while watching the fireworks. Chooch was sure to point out that his night ride was better than my night ride because the fireworks started when they went up the lift hill.

“I don’t know if you guys realized this about him, but he is VERY competitive,” I said to Lexi and Anna, rolling my eyes, and they cracked up because OF COURSE THEY KNOW THIS. Everyone who spends even a few minutes with my kid knows this.

I TRULY DON’T KNOW WHERE HE GETS THIS TRAIT.

Oh also so that ride up there? Fiddler’s Fling? HENRY WOULDN’T RIDE IT WITH ME. Actually, HENRY WOULDN’T RIDE ANY FLAT RIDES. And this park actually had a pretty unique flat ride collection so I was super sad. I definitely need to go back – with someone else!!

The (weak) Flash.

Oh yeah! We rode this earlier too. It was Henry’s first ever 4d Free Spin and he didn’t hate it as much as he anticipated. I was scream-yelling the whole time. I hated this ride the first time I rode it in New Jersey, acquired a newfound appreciation for it in Massachusetts, and changed our status to IN A RELATIONSHIP in Illinois. You and me, Joker. 4 lyfe.

Oh look another ride he wouldn’t ride with me.

Literally one of the most beautiful amusement park landmarks.

Before we left, I blurted out, “CAN I TAKE A PICTURE OF YOU GUYS” and the girls said ABSOLUTELY while Chooch was quickly looking for a vampire to turn him so he wouldn’t appear in the picture.

I don’t know what else to say – I loved this day so much. I loved the whole weekend. It was weird not being with Chooch all day but I also so happy that we were able to arrange this reunion for him and ugh, sometimes I really am such a mom! See?? I do have the maternal stuffs in me. It’s just sometimes buried by my Forever 16 personality traits.

Yo when was the last time we sat down and had a good old fashioned Friday Fiver? Legit can’t remember. But if someone asks you this tomorrow, you can say, “Hey guy, it was just yesterday!”

1. The Witch of Pioneer

Have I mentioned lately how much I truly hate HNC’s wife? She is actually the most miserable person I have ever known, maybe even more so than Henry’s ex-wife! Anyway, on Wednesday I was sitting here working, just minding my own business. I work at a desk in the dining room, right next to the window that faces her side of the house. So I get to hear her out there putzing around in the driveway, screaming at HNC, threatening neighbors with baseball bats because they parks too close to the entrance of our shared driveway which INCOVENIENCES HER (never mind the fact that her one daughter can come over and park at the top of the driveway, effectively blocking us in, because Mummy is Queen of Pioneer). Anyway, yesterday she came out of the house with her white trash daughter on speaker phone. She was out there fucking around with her stupid porch plants when suddenly she starts getting more and more worked up. I couldn’t tell what was happening, but then I heard her say “people who live outside of the country…” and my ears perked up thinking she was about to go on some MAGA anti-foreigner rant but then she ended it with, “HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE FEEDING WILDLIFE.” OK, so she was talking about the countrySIDE…but wait, what?? NO, SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME.

“THEY HAVE NO RESPECT FOR ME! I PUT SO MUCH MONEY IN THESE PLANTS JUST FOR THEM TO BE DESTROYED. FUCKING SQUIRRELS!!!”

I’m assuming by “they” she is referring to us. Because we are the only people who feed the squirrels. /sarcasm. Do you know how many houses in our neighborhood have those cute little squirrel feeder picnic tables!? A LOT. WE ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES WHO ENJOY THE SQUIRRELS.

She is the odd one! She is the hateful bitch who finds no joy in anything!

So then I was like “OK two can play at this game” and I called Henry and started screaming to HIM by the open window about how THEY have no respect for US because they have turned our shared driveway into a fucking LOT OF BROKE DOWN CARS. “THE CARS! THE FUCKING CARS!” I screamed in a replica of her nasty Yinzer voice.

I was so ridiculously stressed out over this that it actually ruined my entire Thursday as well. Like, I kept picturing myself fighting her, I don’t give a shit that she’s in her 60s.

Fuck that bitch so hard. I hope a squirrel attacks her.

2. Chooch’s Mexico Gallery Wall

Just posting this because writing about HNC’s cunt wife got my heart rate up and I needed a happy visual. How can this not make you happy?? Look at those colors!

3. A Super Social Tuesday

This past Tuesday, I had plans with some people from my old team to have dinner after work. But then MARGIE scheduled our department casual lunch on the SAME DAY so then Wendy was like, “Oh good, we can have an in-person meeting that day too” and then the admin people of the whole entire Pgh office were like RSVP FOR SOCIAL HOUR TUESDAY AFTERNOON!

I was really stressed about this day because we have recently switched to a hoteling situation so most of the desks were stripped down to just one monitor. I cannot work like that!  I have a very particular, Type A set-up! So my plan, which was very clunky and stupid, was to come in from half the day, attend the meeting, have a piece of pizza at CASUAL LUNCH, go home and work, then come back for dinner.

Really dumb, amirite?

When I got to work on Tuesday, I immediately went to Margie’s desk and pouted about the new sitch and she was like, “Just sit in that office right there – it has two monitors and it’s not assigned to anyone” so just like that, my biggest problem of the day was solved and then I was able to be moderately normal (by my standards at least) for the rest of the day.

It was really nice getting to see so many of work friends on one day! I opted out of the office Social Hour though, claiming that I was people’d out but really it was because I was nervous of being around more food and then going to dinner, love this weird fear of food that controls my life. But it’s easier to blame social anxiety because that feels more acceptable and reasonable than saying I’m scared or food omg hold me.

Then I went to dinner with Amber, Lauren, Megan, Carrie and Wendi! It wasn’t the original dinner plans for that night but it was just as lovely! I was fucking starving by then though, having only had a small bowl of cereal and literally the smallest, driest piece of pizza I could find for lunch. Carrie and I shared a burrata salad and ravioli and I BEASTED my halves. Carrie also treated Megan and me to a bottle of wine for our recent bdays and I was feeling GOOD, MY PEOPLE.

I am really lucky to work with friends. That is all.

4. Nooworks #1 Fan Girl

Nooworks released a new print on Sunday night and I had to buy a shirt because LOOK AT IT. THE DESIGN. THE COLORS. It was like it was made for me. I love Nooworks so much. #NotSponsored but #IWishItWas.

5. Pie Party Prep

You guys the first pie party since 2017 is happening this Sunday. The weather is supposed to be absolute TRASH too, of course. We’ll still go through with it though – the pavilion is big and has a roof, after all! I think it rained at another pie party once too and while it wasn’t ideal, the pies didn’t care.

Henry did a trial-run on one of his pie prospects last weekend and it tasted so good, so there’s that. My only responsibility up to now was working on the play list. It’s up to over 8 hours and the party is only 6 hours long so I think I can cross that off the to do list now.

I dunno man, this was a lousy Friday Five but I’m beat, says Erin from 1975. We’re going to the pass holder Fright Fest sneak peek tonight at Kennywood and that’s all my mind can focus on right now. Perhaps one day things in my brain will change and I will be able to to tell you how I got my blogging groove back, says Erin from 1998.

Yoooo, there was no way I was leaving this Great America without a carouselfie on their majestic double-decker carousel! Originally, I had wanted to get one of us PLUS Chooch and his SQUAD GIRLS but he was like, “We are never ever ever ever ever doing that together and if you don’t stop asking, I’m going to start singing that in the tune of Taylor Swift.”

He did not actually say that because he’s NOT AS FUNNY AS ME, THIS WAS ALL ME, I MADE THAT UP.

He did say something similar not in so many words, probably something like, “Nah, I’m good.” I’m honestly still sizzling about this though because the Friday before we left for this Labor Day trip, Chooch texted me at 6:30AM on a morning that I was planning on “going for a walk later” rather than at the exact moment I wake up inside of the 6AM hour. But nope, here comes  Chooch, foiling mommy’s plans AS USUAL.

He wanted me to walk to the Potomac trolley station to see if his wallet was there because he suddenly didn’t have it when he was on the T. He said he was almost certain it fell out of his pockets on the shorts that Henry bought him that don’t fit right so this, in case you were wondering how he was going to work it, was how he was able to twist it into being someone else’s fault.

Anyway, I angry-stomped my way to the station and there was his stupid Pokemon wallet, laying face down on the platform under the bench. No one even tried to steal it or turn it into the fare booth guy.

That motherfucker is so lucky because, while he only had a dollar in there (lol, that unemployed life), all of his amusement park membership cards / season passes are in there in spite of the fact that Henry keeps trying to confiscate them. Well, the confiscation was successful this time!

Yeah so I told him that for my reward, I wanted a group carouselfie and I feel like a GOOD BOY would have obliged but no, I got stuck with this bullheaded jerk.

So it was just Henry and me, and ew why does he look so sleazy?!

Quick carousel review: for as lovely and bitchin’ as this merry-go-round is on the outside, the actual ride was very lackluster. In lieu of traditional calliope tunes, some ride operator was up on the top deck, screaming Six Flags trivia questions over a speaker and it was just very disconcerting. Bro, I don’t play games, I want to believe I’m living in Mary Poppins times with a whimsical rabbit squeezed between my thighs.

Um, OK, unclear what sort of vibe he’s going for here but I feel violated somehow.

I think it’s weird when some carousels require you to actual fasten the seatbelt. Like, for what reason? In case it needs to brake real hard?

This was my feeble attempt to get a mirror carouselfie.

Well, that’s my account of our 5 minutes on the carousel. We’re actually in the process of redoing the carouselfie wall (it’s done, we just have to rehang the pictures and haven’t had time because this week is all Pie Party Prep, All the Time) and I’m really excited to include one of these. The exclamatory nature of that last sentence is implied.

Today was babysitting day. We made Chooch come with us for a walk to Scoops on the Boulevard for some ice cream.

It was the slowest walk of my life but they were good. And they all actually finished their ice cream without making an utter mess which was very shocking to me. I mean, there was still a mess and I wouldn’t let them touch me, but we did ok.

Then back at their house, I kept saying that I was going to leave because I had to exercise (Henry would have still been there, god don’t report me!) but they were like NO DONT LEAVE US WITH BORING PAP so Calvin suggested that I exercise there.

I declined this invitation to use his play room as a gym but then he said “well how about you teach us some exercises?”

SO I DID! We did sit-ups and crab dips! Then Calvin was like OK NOW LETS DO DANCE EXERCISES ALEXA PLAY GUMMI BEARS and I was like OMG GUMMI BEARS? YOU KNOW THE GUMMI BEARS SONG?!

I was so stoked but it turned out it was some different gummy bear thing and not the theme song to the 1980s cartoon like I had anticipated:(

“Just so you know, I put this on the pie party play list,” I said to Henry while it plays loudly on the TV.

“Oh great,” he muttered but I know he secretly loves it even though he was probably IN THE SERVICE when this was on.

Speaking of IN THE, I watched the penultimate episode of IN THE DARK tonight and I am done.

Totally exhausted from the sobbing. This show kills me. Which is why today’s blog post is a cop-out because I’m drained and I have actually been doing a lot of weird crying lately?!

I know I mentioned this recently in another post but I am still very sad about the death of a youtuber I didn’t even know in real life. Like what kind of person have I become that I’m this attached to Youtubers but here we are.

Old Hoju Sara videos keep popping up in my feed lately and I wanted to share this one that she did with another YouTuber I like a lot, Fei, because it’s from when they were together in Korea trying various Inkagayo sandwiches which I love so much. You might remember that it’s what we make on Easter! EASTERgayo sandwiches!

I know you can’t really put too much stock into what you see on YouTube but Sara really seemed like a genuinely kind person and it makes me angry that she was taken so young. She really did live her best life though, and she fostered a love for Korea in so many people. I personally really enjoyed her expat vlogs- she was very inspiring to me. I wish I was brave enough to start a new life in Korea! BYE HENRY.

Anyway, please enjoy this video. RIP Sara. :(

Hi guys! It’s me checking in from yet another amusement park. I tried to get Henry to guest-blog in order to mix things up but nope.

You’re stuck with me.

Six Flags Great America is located in Gurnee, Illinois, which is not Chicago, but kind of close to Chicago? I don’t know my Illinois geography AT ALL aside from where Chicago is located on a map and that’s only from flying in and out from there when we went to Korea.

As I mentioned previously, some other day in a different post, two of Chooch’s Mexico Squad friends live about an hour away from the park so they were game to meet up! Of course, Henry and I didn’t tag along, no matter how badly I wanted to, but we stayed with Chooch inside the entrance until they arrived, and he let me take one (1) selfie with him before they arrive. Everyone says that Chooch and I don’t look alike but LOOK AT OUR FORCED SMILES. They are carbon copies of fake affection.

Um, can I just say I love that he became friends with these kids?  The two girls who met him there were so cute and seem just, I dunno, good. One of them asked to take a picture of them with her phone and I was like GLADLY while Chooch squirmed uncomfortably, lol.

I won’t post the stalker-mom TMZ shot of Chooch and his pals through some shrubbery after we left them to it but you can believe that I immediately texted this to a laundry list of peeps who had been following along with the CIEE Yucatan Instagram posts, trying to figure out if THERE WAS A LOVE CONNECTION between Chooch and anyone there.

I had seen this carousel / pool set-up so many times in YouTube videos but it was really extra magnificent in person. I mean, Six Flags is not really known for its landscaping and aesthetic appeal. Granted, the rest of the park was questionable – lots of weeds and asphalt – but I will always associate it with this gorgeous entrance eye candy.

You guys, Henry and I were riding partners for the whole entire day! I was so nervous about this because he’s such a cock when it comes to:

1. old woodies
2. 4d free spins
3. almost all flat rides
4. Arrow loopers

So I anticipated that I would be skipping a lot or riding alone. But he was actually a good sport! Except for the flat rides. He was still a motherfucker about those.

We hit up the B&M hyper, Raging Bull,  immediately and it was a station wait! It was still pretty early – we got there about 30 minutes after the park opened – and the day was super dreary so we didn’t encounter very long lines until later in the afternoon, but even then the wait times were in flux. The only ride that was consistently LONG AF all day was MaxxForce but that’s because it’s right by the entrance, it’s still pretty new and novel, it runs one train ops, and it breaks down a lot.

Usually these hypers are guaranteed to be my faves in any park but this one was just OK. I kept saying I wanted to go back later and get some re-rides on it but every time I checked the wait time, it had gone up to around 45 minutes, and when it was a walk-on, we were on the other side of the park.

We never did get our bearings! The layout was confusing.

Then we rode Viper, a woodie that looked like it was going to be a spine-fucker, but it was actually not bad at all! Henry disagreed and immediately had a headache, but I experienced no jack-hammering and I thought it had a decent layout on top of that.

Later, Chooch texted me after he and PARTIAL SQUAD rode it: “RMC Viper.”

That’s something enthusiasts say after riding a real janky woodie that they think would be a good candidate for the RMC treatment.

It was not that bad!

Besides…

Great America already has an RMC…

…and it ain’t Demon, lol.

HOWEVER, to Henry’s actual disgust, Demon was my favorite ride. Before the ride started, a recording asked, “Are you ready to conquer the demon?” and Henry mumbled, “I do that every day” whatever that means. Then afterward, I yelled, “OMG I LOVED THAT DID YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING” and he somberly said, “Yes Erin. You were right next to me and we were practically the only people on it.” 😂 👹

Later, he told Chooch to guess what my favorite ride was and Chooch named every single ride in the park BUT Demon, then said, “Oh. I forgot that one even existed.” WOW JUST WOW.

It just had all the things I love: A TUNNEL, FOG, LIGHTS, A COOL SIGN, IT’S NOT WIDELY POPULAR (even with coasters, I’m a hipster).

I EVEN BOUGHT A DEMON MAGNET.

I swear I had heard that there is even a heavy metal theme song that plays but if this is a thing, they had the stereo turned off that day, unless I’m confusing it with another coaster!

Oh, it was a total fucking walk-on too.

Oh shit, X-Flight was amazing!! I’m generally not that impressed by wing coasters, but this one was FUN and really forceful. (I am not great at using actual physic-y descriptors like true enthusiasts do. I’m just not that nerdy I guess. LOL OK fine I am, but just in other areas.)

The X-Flight crew was really energetic and funny too, I should note – this was actually an ongoing theme throughout the day and I’ll tell you what, you stick some personable people on a ride crew, and it’s going to elevate the guest experience FOR SURE.

I just asked Chooch if he agrees with and he said “Sure” before I even finished my question and left the house.

It definitely counted for something because even though this was a station wait, it still took a short while to get on the ride because of fast pass or the people with the handicapped paper, I couldn’t tell who it was that they were letting steal the backrow seats.

Well, after X-Flight, the time had finally come: we had made it to GOLIATH, my TENTH RMC!!! We didn’t run straight to this because everyone knows that RMCs need some time to warm up, le duh.

The wait for this was only 25 minutes – FOR AN RMC. Do you know how many hours of my life I have spent in line for Steel Vengeance?!

Well, it’s a lot.

Seats were being assigned but I was like CAN WE HAVE THE BACK ROW IF POSSIBLE and did my puppy-dog lip/eye combo which ALWAYS WORKS ON RIDE ATTENDANTS ESPECIALLY BOY ONES. It embarrasses Chooch but Henry is like, “That’s fine, they’re not going to be sway by my grizzled visage.”

Obviously he said that in more simpler terms, but you get it.

OK, Goliath – I see you! Not the best RMC out there but still so fun and this one goes through a small underpass twice, and there’s fog!! The second time it goes through there, it is fucking CRUISING. If you are reading this and you have not ridden an RMC (Rocky Mountain Construction), please do yourself a solid and google WHERE IS THE NEAREST RMC HYBRID and then GET YOURSELF THERE ASAP.

I mean, 9 other RMCs have preceded this one in my life, and even still I was SCREAMING! LIKE, FUCKING HOLLERING as if my RMC cherry was being popped. Just laughing myself into a coughing fit, it was truly a goddamn delight. RMC just HITS DIFFERENT. (I said that out loud for the first time ever yesterday and immediately felt like such an herb lol.)

If you’ve been on an RMC before, please tell me which one! And if you are an RMC fangirl like me, tell me your RMC bucket list coaster! I have two: Zadra and Wildfire, the latter is one I might get to ride next summer GOD WILLING.

(I will turn religious if it gets me closer to international RMCs, bet.)

I’m going to end this installment here because true to form, I’m only 1/4 of the way into the day and I’m already over 1,000 words which is just stupid. Tomorrow, I’ll continue to beg and whine until I get Henry to contribute something.

Yo. Yo yo yo. This weekend was jam-packed with delicious vegan treats (and lots of house projects, etc but that’s all boring and mostly shit that Henry was doing while I crossed things off his list). First up, we drove out to New Kensington on Saturday to pick up our pre-ordered 1/2 dozen of Stranger Things donuts. They were pretty pricey for the size (our basis of comparison was Valkyrie, another vegan donut bakery that is comparable in cost but much larger) but the taste was mighty.

I genuinely liked them all, but the Eleven (the waffle one, obv) was my favorite because it was a fry-donut which I really like, and the glaze was maple syrup-y. It was just really delicious without being too cloying.

Tied for #2 was that Demogorgan one up there that looks like a cannoli kind of. It had a tangy raspberry jam filling which tasted super fresh, like the raspberries were plucked right off a branch before being shoved inside a Demogorgan’s asshole. I am probably spelling that wrong every time because I also cannot pronounce it, even having watched all 4 seasons of Stranger Things and Chooch always has to angrily correct me. Sure, I could Google, but let’s just keep it authentic.

My other #2 was the Steve which was two crispy donut slices sandwiched together around the SMOOTHEST buttercream, oh holy SHIT it was like jizz from an angel. So silky. So sweet. So XXX inside my mouth.

The Will was a classic iced and sprinkle donut, the Hopper was topped with fried apples, and the Joyce was chocolate and filled with a peanut butter cream – this was the only one I wasn’t crazy about only because when it comes to donuts, I tend to gravitate more toward the light and fruity flavors. I thought it tasted great but it was just too much for me!

I should also note that these donuts were split three-ways, and that Henry abandoned us when we came home with them so CHOOCH cut them and I was so nervous.

THEN!! Sugarspell Scoops, the PREMIERE vegan ice cream shop in Pittsburgh, had a BOOK-THEMED pint presale to benefit the Sharpsburg library so you know I had to open my wallet and show my support for books and vegan ice cream. There were 6 flavors in all, but I’m trying to not be too pigalicious a week before the pie party, so I gave myself a 4 pint limit, lol ugh.

I had to get the Alice In Wonderland flav though because it’s EARL GREY and that’s one of the types of pies Henry is making next week! (Spoiler to all the people who are reading this who might actually be there next week.) Moby Dick is a mint cookies and cream, Huckleberry Fig is a LUSCIOUS sorbet (I love figs so I had to get this one, also sorbets are so healthy RIGHT??), and the Baudelaire’s one is self-explanatory.

DO NOT MAKE ME CHOOSE A FAVE. Sugarspell knocked it out of the park as usual. I love them so much and want everyone in Pgh to support them, whether you are vegan or not!

In other weekend news, we watched “X” (I’m so out of the loop when it comes to horror movies, someone should revoke my Fangoria card, really) and it really resonated with me in some type of way that I don’t think was a good thing? I had some pretty killer nightmares, the kinds that are rooted in reality, like “THIS COULD HAPPEN AND I CAN’T TELL IF IT’S A DREAM” and then I woke up feeling awful and disoriented.

REALLY GOOD MOVIE THOUGH, I know I did a shitty job selling it, lol. But wow, I’m ready/not at all ready for Pearl.

Then Henry knocked Wonho over and gave him apologetic fluffs. I was so mad though.

<Hold plz, Chooch has requested that we go on a walk. brb>

<OMG it was just a thinly-veiled excuse to go to the gas station and have me buy him drinks and also the stupid ONE CHIP CHALLENGE and somehow, that, two waters, and a Gatorade came to $20 and yes I know the chip is like $9 but I feel like one of the drinks got rung up twice and I didn’t take the receipt and Chooch and I argued about it the whole way home because he didn’t want to go back to get it because “that guy always makes him uncomfortable because he’s so weird” and I yelled, “YEAH HE’S SO WEIRD BECAUSE HE’S THINKING OF WAYS TO SCREW OVER THE NEXT CUSTOMER!”>

<Now Henry is lecturing both of us and Chooch won’t eat the chip because it “tastes bad” and we were like WHAT DID YOU EXPECT and then I screamed, “YOU’RE EATING THAT WHOLE THING, GET A GLASS OF MILK, ASSHOLE.” But he just laughed and went to his room. UGH!!!>

Um, nothing else really exciting happened. Lots of spray painting picture frames and old TVs. Henry said his FitBit shows that he swam for 20 minutes yesterday and we figured out that it must have picked up on the motion his arm was making when he was spray painting??

The rest of the evening in the Dells was spent doing spooky stuff. Well, some might find the word “hokey” to be more accurate lol. Shockingly, the Dells is kind of like the dollar store knock off of a tourist trap town so while places like Pigeon Forge and ugh shit what is that main drag called in Niagara Falls? You know the one. CLIFTON HILL! While places like that gouge your wallet and practically start in on your organs, the Dells had a lot of really stupid attractions that were only $5! So since we had time to kill, we bit.

First, we went to the Haunted Mansion on the main drag. It was….a place. No live actors, nothing super memorable. When we came out, there was a group of people standing on the sidewalk, contemplating. “Was it any good?” they asked. I hesitated MAJORLY and I think that was all they needed, because I could see them glance at other but then I added, “I mean, there aren’t any scare actors in there or anything,” and they all collectively made a FUCK THAT air expulsion and walked away.

We made a quick stop to this river walk thing but didn’t go very far because Chooch was whining about wanting to go back to the room to charge his phone because god forbid he might some amazing message in the MEXICO SQUAD group chat, so we turned around just in time for some man to ask me, and I do mean me because he only locked eyes with me,  “Does this go down to the river?”

I shrugged stupidly and said I didn’t know, then mumbled, “WTF do I look like, the Wisconsin Dells docent??”

Oh I know what happened next – the big fight about ice cream. LOL.

Our hotel had coupons for $2 off this Ghost Outpost thing so we grabbed some and headed on over. I had seen this mentioned on various WHAT TO DO IN THE DELLS YouTube videos and had hoped it would be cool like the one in Gatlinburg.

NO! IT WAS SO STUPID! JUST LIKE THE LAST PLACE! The only good thing is that it ended up being only $3 a person with our SUPER 8 coupons lol.

I dunno what got into Henry but he was like, “Let’s do this one too” and so we walked over to the Lost Temple which…I have no idea wat the point was but it was dumb too. Super low quality but then suddenly, singing tree:

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A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

I just honestly have nothing else to say about these two places. Avoid them? There. Two word review!

Finally, it was time to check in for our 8:40 reservation on the GHOST BOAT! I can’t believe I got Henry to sign on to this because he usually like YOU TWO CAN DO IT, I’LL DROP YOU OFF. He really hates spending money on things like, Tight Wads Gonna Wad Tight, you know? But when we were at Mt. Olympus earlier that day, he was like OK FINE and this was like HOURS after I had originally suggested it, and not like right after one of my nagging sessions, so this tells me that it was on his mind of his own accord and that he secretly really must have wanted to do this.

Please note: this wasn’t like one of those $5 haunts – this was an actual river boat ride at night, with a haunted walk. I think it was around $40/pp so this was more of a splurge but when in Wisconsin Dells, amirite?!

First off, once we went inside the Ghost Boat waiting area, they took pictures of each group so I was really stoked because we don’t have many family pictures that aren’t selfies. There were long pew-like benches set up in a serpentine manner inside the room and we were told to go all the way down as far as we could and take a seat. I really liked this set-up because it was ORGANIZED and assured that you were going to get to board in order of arrival. Frequent visitors to this dumping ground of the Internet will note that I am notoriously high-strung when it comes to standing in line, getting good spots, losing my spot, dealing with line-jumpers, etc. So props to the Ghost Boat people for doing the Lord’s work on this one.

HOWEVER!! There was OF COURSE that ONE group who decided that they were going to just waltz right up to the front when it was time to stand up and have our tickets scanned so that we could then walk down to the loading area. They completely skipped past all of the benches and tried to cut through along the side but the ticket scanner, AKA MY HERO, was like “no can do, back of the line for you” and I actually did a fist bump out in the open because I feel like more often than not, people in that position just roll over for line-jumpers! This was a fairly big group too – I feel like there were 8 or so, some extended family sitch, I dunno.

I was happy because not only were we far enough ahead in line to sit on top of the boat, we also snagged the last row of three seats in the very back. I’m a back of the boat/bus/coaster type of bitch, as you know.

The boat ride portion was really fun! Well, for everyone else. For me, I was too busy obsessing over the semi-big spider that was on the move RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I couldn’t lean back and relax like everyone else – I had to sit twisted at an angle, with my back up against Henry’s side, never taking my eyes off the railing. Some spooky recording was playing, relaying the ghostly story of the lake or whatever, but I legit missed the whole thing, my arachnid focus was *that* intense.

However, I was aware of the part of the boat ride where the engine was cut off so that we could glide between a cavern thing which Henry just told me was basically THE DELLS. It was really cool yet incredibly eerie at night. The water sloshing against  the rock walls just added to the vibe, like we were in a live action horror film, at the point where something was going to go terribly awry. To be honest, this part alone was worth the price of the Ghost Boat.

I took this picture earlier that evening when we returned to the river walk and walked the whole way down (I can now go back in time and tell that man that no, it does not actually take you all the way down next to the water). The boat went all the way straight back into the trees and then the dell stuff happened. Henry said he looked at pictures of it online, daytime pictures, and the part where the boat slipped through was “actually really cool, we should do it during the day next time.”

HE SAID NEXT TIME. WE’RE GOING BACK, Y’ALL.

Anyway, the next part of the excursion had us docking and walking up a slight hill where we all gathered outside of a restroom. This bathroom break took FOREVER. It was so annoying. I also got stuck standing near the Line-Jumpers and that was annoying. They thought they were going to be FIRST but guess what? Where they were standing wasn’t actually the starting point of the trail –  it was off to the left and we had to walk down steps. So since I had been standing to the left of them, I got to go before them HA IT’S WHAT YOU DESERVE, ASSHOLES! While we were standing there talking to the guide, someone pointed out that there was a spider on some man’s back. He swept it off and then the guide STEPPED ON IT and I immediately panicked.

“What if that was my spider,” I hissed at Henry, who mumbled, “That was not your spider, wait, I thought you hated that spider?”

“I mean, yeah, but I also spent the whole boat ride trying to make sure it didn’t die and I feel horrible if I did all that just for some bitch to boot-stomp him!” I wailed.

“It wasn’t the same spider,” Henry sighed.

You guys, the actual haunted trail wasn’t exactly “scary” because our group had like 80 people, I swear to god, and the scare actors were fine and all but how scared can you really get when you’re in a group that large? We were toward the front of the group at least so that was good. Literally had no idea what was going on because it was dark, foggy, creepy blue lights were blinding us at every turn…but at some point we entered what literally felt like a cavern and I was seriously concerned about bashing my head off the side of a rock formation.

Henry was very concerned about the safety measurements of the walking portion of the Ghost Boat, as in, were there any?

“How long have they been doing these tours? It doesn’t seem very safe. I could easily see people getting seriously injured out there,” Henry said the next day in the car en route to the next destination. I mean, he’s not wrong. The couple in front of me didn’t realize there was a ramp to walk on and kept walking next to it, ground-level, which appeared to have some sort of drop-off next to it. They realized they were going the wrong way before they turned into lemmings walking off a ledge into a gorge.

I got singled out at one point as usual – no matter how big the crowd, they will always single me out. The person asked the little girl behind us if she knew me and Chooch’s names, and she said, “Um, Dylan and Elenor” and then when the ghost person asked Henry what they were, he said, “Dylan and Elenor” and the little girl was like, “OMG I WAS RIGHT??” and from that moment on, I became acutely aware of her presence and the fact that she never shut the fuck up. Lowkey hated her, especially because she kind of looked like RUTHIE from 7th Heaven.

UGH.

RUTHIE was so fucking annoying!

That who show was so fucking annoying!

We had to walk back the same way we came, which meant going through the weird cavern part again. Chooch said one of the scare actors hit her head on the rock and THE WAY THAT I AM NOT SUPRISED YO.

Of course it ended with a chainsaw guy, possibly the only chainsaw guy in the history of chainsaw guys that ever failed to scare me. Probably because before he went back and grabbed his chainsaw, he was casually walking along with the front of our group, talking to everyone. Of course RUTHIE turned on the dramatics though and screamed shrilly while pushing her way through all of us.

Ugh.

Back on the boat. It was a different boat so I had no way of checking for my spider. This time, the very last row of seats was just a two-seater, so we had to sit in the row directly in front of that. In hindsight, I wish Chooch and I had just grabbed that last row and made Henry sit somewhere else because TWO PEOPLE FROM THE LINE-JUMPER GANG sat there and they were so very utterly annoying. Definitely in their late teens/early 20s, and part of that generation that talks just to talk. Nothing either one of them said had any weight or meaning to it. Just lots of, “Yeah”s and “Same”s and at one point, the girl part of the duo talked about her sleeping preferences while the guy interjected grunts of agreement here and there. And they both had REALLY STUPID VOICES. Like, the voices of stupid people. Sorry if you think that’s mean BUT THIS BLOG IS A SAFE SPACE FOR ME TO PLUNK OUT MY HONEST THOUGHTS. These kids were fucking STUPID. Especially when they were trying to act like astrologists and the guy was like, “I watch <some science show> and am basically a scientist now.” SIGH.

These poor stars. They had so much to say about them.

Anyway, that was the whole boat ride back, trying so hard to not listen to their basic conversations but being unable to get away from it since they were talking at a volume 5x what was appropriate for a nighttime boat ride with strangers.

Then I made Henry pay $28 for a portrait package so now we have like 12 copies of this photo. Guess some lucky people will get one tucked inside this year’s Christmas card.

I do really like this picture even though we look like 3 strangers picked at random to stand in front of the Ghost Boat backdrop. AFFECTION? WHAT IS AFFECTION? I’m actually surprised that Chooch as least smiled but Henry looks like he’s our warden, ready to break out the taser the moment one of us tries to flee. Look at that balled-up fist!

Woke up at 5:30am for this and have no regrets. It’s been on a loop in my head all day and I am READY to experience this performed live in LESS THAN A MONTH with my lightstick in hand.

The only glitch to our entire day in Wisconsin Dells was after the rootbeer museum when I had expressed a desire for ice cream. You would think that Henry and Chooch would know by now that my demands, especially ones that involve SCREAMS FOR ICE CREAM.

I had seen a sign for GELATO at one of the ice cream places on the main strip of the Dells, and had wanted to walk back and find it but CHOOCH was being a pain in the ass and peer-pressured me into going into a different ice cream place that was closer and it turns out it was just because he didn’t want to walk past this lady street performer again because she was making him uncomfortable (she was one of those statue people but didn’t do a very good job staying in character). The ice cream place was also a cafe and sandwich shop? I couldn’t tell what was going on there, but they had regular ice cream that you could get anywhere – like Hersheys or something – and then Henry said he didn’t want any and Chooch had just had a root beer float – I didn’t want to eat ice cream alone! So I left in dramatic fashion and speed-walked all the way to the parking lot. To be fair, the plan was already to go back to the hotel to rest because the next thing on our agenda didn’t start until 8:40 and we had two hours to kill.

I acted like a big crybaby on the way back to the hotel though because gotta stay on brand.

Anyway, we ended up going back out a bit earlier because there was a stupid haunted house I wanted to go to (MORE ON THIS SEPARATELY) and Henry was like, “Hey look, you can get your gelato afterward” because the same candy shop that I originally wanted to go to had another location right across the street from the dumb haunted house!

Chooch opted to wait in the car, probably was chatting with his Mexico Squad, so Henry and I went inside like we were impersonating a COUPLE ON A DATE. I guess Henry learned his lesson because he came prepared to place his own order so that I wouldn’t have to eat my cold treat alone like the true loser that I am.

So…I knew from first sight of the case that this was not going to be anything even close to traditional gelato. But nothing could have prepared me for the truly bizarre taste of my birthday cake and…what was my other flavor? Butter pecan maybe? gelato scoops.

It was truly alarming. The texture was like moist, frozen playdoh and the taste was SUGAR. And ARTIFICIAL. And FREEZER BURN. It was all of these things with a suggestion of whatever the flavors were supposed to me. Recommended to enjoy while thinking of your chosen flavor.

Tastes best with power of suggestion.

Somehow, it started to grow on me. I mean, I would never in my life go back there for a replay, but it wasn’t so grotesque that I couldn’t eat it. Henry had similar feelings with his choices, which I can’t remember now what they were. He had originally asked to try the banana but immediately wrote it off after realizing that it tasted like “cold nothing.” I’m glad he didn’t choose it too because the way it looked in the display case, it was wet and oozy like a pile of melted yellow popsicles. Totally unappealing.

“I mean I knew it wasn’t going to taste like real gelato because WISCONSIN but this also doesn’t taste like ice cream,” I said, holding a spoonful up to the light like my tastebuds had phoned my eyeballs for help decoding this gelato mystery.

For every scoop this place sells of fake gelato, an old man in Italy crashes a Moped.

Meanwhile, I was sitting in front of GREEN M&M and that was the third time in two days that she had come up in my life! WHAT DOES IT MEAN. One of the times was because one of the characters in a book I had just read admitted to thinking she was hot.

I guess I can see it….

On the way out, there were new suckers perusing the gelato case and I heard the scooper say, “It’s more like frozen yogurt.”

OK, that’s a very generous comparison.

Right after this, we went back to the main Dells area to prepare for our RESERVATION and when we walked past this REALLY COOL ICE CREAM SHOP that I somehow missed earlier, Chooch suddenly was ready for Ice Cream Part 2 and went in for a cone.

Dude, I was so pissed! I would have much preferred an ice cream cone from this place!!!

What an asshole.

Of course he ended up with ice cream on his shirt too right before our RESERVATION (I dunno why I’m acting like there is going to be some reveal, it was just a boat ride / haunted walk thing).

OK, this has been an ice cream interlude.