Philly is not exactly considered a “day trip” for most Pittsburghers, as it takes a good 4.5 – 5 hours by car. Yet somehow, we have done this approx. 5 times in the last 6 months. It is effing exhausting but worth it to get a few hours of quality time with Chooch. (If you ask him, he will likely drop the ‘quality’ and just call it ‘time’ haha, annoying parents.) Ideally, we would have liked to have spent the whole weekend there, but we are going away to Detroit this weekend and:

• $$$
• hate leaving Penelope overnight for two weekends in a row

So, a quick Saturday trip it was! The drive there was relatively uneventful. Sheetz stop for breakfast where I flipped out and cried, “EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND THERE ARE MEN IN MY WAY! MEN ARE EVERYWHERE I NEED TO BE!” and Henry was about to say “calm down,” I could tell. But he thought better of it and instead said, “What do you need, I’ll get it for you” – NICE TRY! This just made me even more angry and I shouted, “I CAN DO IT MYSELF!”

In case you were wondering, I needed coffee in a bigly way but there were MEN at the coffee area, stinking it up with waves of toxic masculinity, and then every time I turned a corner – MORE FUCKING MEN.

I really wanted to rip my skin off. Or theirs.

OK, theirs. LOL.

Then Waze was like, “Hi, here is a new way for you to try, apropos of nothing” and it ended up taking us through some park with lots of lollygagging drivers, but we finally arrived at Chooch’s dorm around 1:00!

I was so excited because ever since the first time we went to Drexel for a visit last April, I have been obsessed with this cute breakfast/lunch spot called SABRINA’S. I guess there are numerous locations around town but the one on Drexel’s campus is by far the most aesthetic because of the sweet ass Victorian house in which the millennial brunch classics are whipped up.

We had about a 20 minute wait so Chooch took us around the corner to some campus market thing that he goes to a lot, just a convenience store thing where he can use his Dragon dollars (OMG this just gave me a flashback to when I went to Pitt as a non-trad student and begged my mom to add cash to my Panther card so I could use it in the vending machines and she was like, “ha ha” but I was serious). Anyway, the older woman cashier was all, “HEY BABY!” to Chooch and then she chuckled and said, “I KNOW I’LL SEE YOU LATER” because he evidently is a REGULAR there and also, I am aware that the way I wrote this makes it sound like she is predatory but she was sincerely just a very jovial woman.

I loved how everywhere we went around campus, people knew Chooch. He’s branching out, you guys. I love that for him!

Then we were sitting outside of Sabrina’s waiting for our table and a group of old ladies walked past, but one stopped dead in her tracks and exclaimed, “OH I LOVE YOUR SHOES!” but it was DIRECTED AT CHOOCH, NOT ME. Chooch gets all the attention in Philly!!! I am just the shadow in the background there. It’s fine, I’m OK with that.

(Am I though? Currently plotting my outfit/accessories for our next visit. Must upstage him.)

THAT LOOK OF DISDAIN, DO YOU THINK HE MISSED ME?

I loved everything about Sabrina’s. It’s small and our table right in the flight path of the servers, but it still somehow felt cozy and delightful. Every staff member we interacted with was beyond friendly. And the menu is so veg/vegan friendly! I had the hardest time choosing what I wanted. I thought for sure it was going to be the banh mi because I had studied the menu online prior to our visit and even sent Chooch a screenshot of it.

“That looks good,” he replied, and I was shocked because it was one of those rare moments where he was acting like an adult and not a kid who is perpetually annoyed and embarrassed of his parent.

But then we got there and the actual menu seemed larger than the one online, so my options began to expand until I finally settled on the OG Vegan bowl with tofu, boy-o.

Henry got the Korean bowl (it came with chicken and didn’t have sub options like some of the other menu items so I didn’t want to be difficult by asking) and POLENTA FRIES, and Chooch got some kind of omelet. We were all content.

After lunch, we drove to Dottie’s Donuts – we went to a different location YEARS ago and I’m happy that they’re still around. I know none of us our vegan but when the options are there, I will take it so I always like to look for vegan spots when we’re on road trips. While we were at lunch, Dottie’s most recent post came up in my IG feed and it was a table-thumping moment for me.

“The special donut this weekend at Dottie’s is BAKLAVA.”

“I guess we’re going to Dottie’s,” Henry sighed as though he wasn’t secretly getting hot for donuts.

Dude, this fucker was bussin’. I was sad that once again I made poor choices and said I would share this with Henry. What an unbelievable life fail. We took our bounty to the Laurel Hill Cemetery (separate post to come!) and Henry is so lucky that I was feeling a modicum of love for him at the time because he immediately walked over to the office to use the bathroom, leaving me alone with this bad boy which I could have easily inhaled in three bites, but I somehow managed to stop myself at the halfway mark.

(This is also mostly because I have been feeling super down on myself re: old lady weight gain this past year, and actually much less to do with any spousal love haha.)

Anyway, we also got a Thai tea donut to share, and Chooch got two of his own – also a Thai tea and a vanilla frosted I think. Excellent, chewy donuts in a beautiful setting in perfect spring weather with my favorite people back together again.  I couldn’t have been happier.

l

Corey and I were stressing over finding a good place to eat post-Mattress Factory when we first made plans but then Chooch came home from college and was like, “I want to go to Cafe Moulin. One of my friends recommended it.”

Turns out the FRIEND is Sophia, who probably is legit just a friend but I had to be a total mom about it and start grilling him for info. She’s part of his friend group in Drexel (HER ROOMMATE IS FROM ROMANIA!) and is from Grand Rapids but her dad went to CMU so I guess they were visiting Pittsburgh at some point because of that, but I thought it was kind of funny that we were going somewhere based on a quasi-tourist’s suggestion.

Especially since it wasn’t really anywhere near the Mattress Factory and Chooch said he didn’t necessarily mean that he wanted to go there THAT DAY but once it was mentioned, Corey and I both had CREPES ON THE BRAIN.

Speaking of brain, we spent the whole drive to Shadyside rehashing the body outside of the Mattress Factory. We were all determined to continue having a good day but now there was this macabre fog hunkering down on us, you know? Add to that the fact that Corey had recently hit a deer with his car and when we got out of it in the parking garage, he pointed out some DEER FUR that was still stuck to it?!!? I wailed, “WHY WOULD YOU SHOW ME THAT??”

He re-emphasized the fact that the deer was actually fine BUT STILL?! Jesus!

Anyway, Cafe Moulin was packed but luckily we were able to get a table within about 10 minutes. It took us forever to order because Corey couldn’t decide between sweet and savory so finally Chooch had enough and tossed a coffee creamer onto the menu. It landed on the Dubai chocolate crepe so Chooch was like, “Congratulations, now let’s move on with our lives.”

I’m telling you, Chooch is the adult amongst us.

FALALALALALA-FUCK these crepes were things of beauty! Corey let us try his and I had ordering remorse BUT my crepe was also delicious and so was Chooch’s (Chooch and I split ours with each other because we couldn’t choose – we made the right decision).

Chooch had to cut mine for me LOLOLOL.

His was the spanakopita and mine was….I forget but it was basically a caprese and oh, did it sweetly butter my muffin.

(Tivoli! Mine was called the Tivoli!)

Other things to note from Cafe Moulin:

• Corey and I go to the same therapy place so we talked extensively about our mutual family issues which inspired me to ask Chooch if he was happy, was his childhood ok, does he think he will need therapy someday?? He said yes, yes, and no!
• There was a young single diner sitting at a table for two, reading TUESDAYS WITH MORRIE while slowly peckig away at a crepe and sipping coffee. No shade on her at all, in fact, I was admiring her because I’m not the type of person who is OK with solo dining, but it did make me chuckle because the book choice kind of sent it over the top for me and I started wondering if she has one of the decks of cards that give you a solo adventure to go on and the one she pulled that morning was “eat crepes alone in a Parisian cafe while reading a famous memoir.”
• Chooch super dramatically spilled his glass of water. Like, he spilled it and then somehow spilled it again when he tried to set the glass upright and water was everywhere, but mostly pooled in the crotch of his pants. Luckily, he was wearing black track pants that day, but it was still enough of a spill that one of the servers had to come over to assist with a thick boi stack of napkins.

Overall, solid 10/10. I don’t have crepes very often but these really seemed like god tier crepes, at least for Pgh anyway.

After this, we went  to Kawaii Gifts and I bought the BSS album!! Corey and Chooch were like, “Mmm. That’s cool.” Things have really changed because when I used to go here, they never had anything kpop-related! And now they have a fairly decent collection, I must say.

Then we went to Amazing Books and as soon as we walked in, Chooch stopped in his tracks.

“Is this….oh wow, it is!” he said, in a “HARK!” stance and looking up at the ceiling. Turns out they were playing the new MEN I TRUST. What the actual fuck, you guys. I will always relate this band to THE MAYBE-DEAD BODY.

Chooch said this was the song that was on in Corey’s car when we were waiting to pull out of the Mattress Factory parking lot and then…well, you know the rest. UNLESS YOU DON’T READ EVERY BLOG POST I WRITE AND IN THAT CASE…well, I probably wouldn’t either I were you.

Chooch went over to the counter and had a lengthy conversation with the two guys working there about the new album while I was pretending to peruse books and not constantly thinking of the lady and the blood and the way her body was slumped over the curb of a random street in the Northside, and Corey was looking at a rack of greeting cards made by local artists which, btw, is also what he was looking at in the Mattress Factory’s gift shop, SHOULD I SEND HIM THE LINK TO MY ETSY CARD SHOP AND REMIND HIM THAT I TOO MAKE GREETING CARDS.

One last stop before we left was the little independent toy store and the lady working there reminded us of Janna’s mom a little so then Corey and I started up again with our favorite memory of Janna being beaten by her mom behind a curtained window and that was fun but also my stomach was starting to hurt from the crepes and the general excitement of the day so now I will associate that toy store with pain. Chooch meanwhile touched every single item in that place and then ended up not wanting anything, not even the dumb things that Janna’s mom was demo’ing for him (“THIS BALL CAN BOUNCE UPWARD OF 10 STORIES!”) which is CRAZY because I was offering to buy him pretty much everything since I was so happy to have him home.

And then we came home, where I would go on to spend the next two weeks hyper-obsessing over THE LADY and driving Henry and Chooch crazy over it.

(The next day when we were at lunch, I asked Chooch if he told any of his friends and he said, “No, because maybe did it occur to you that I’m traumatized and don’t want to talk about it?” he said drily.

“OMG REALLY??” I cried, ready to consult my mental Mothering manual.

“No!” he said, going back to looking at his phone while eating his omelet. Wow.)

CHINGUS up here in the JIP

• Corey
• Amy & Dick
• Kara
• Janna
• Glenn & Amanda
• Chris & Monica
• Jill & Jack
• Wendi, Ben & BABY ROONEY
• Wendy
• Zakk
• Amber & Steve
• Lori
• Margie
• Cara
• Lauren
• Sean!

OK I’m going to be a sentimental bitchbaby here, probably for the duration of the whole post. I have looked at these pictures so m any times and felt so happy for truly one of the only times in the past year. The power of friends, you guys. They made me feel less alone in dark times just by sending simple texts (and also being a kitten scout – Kara!), but having them filling my house with laughter was THE TRUE MEANING OF CHINGUMAS. And even better is that I was able to hassle some of them into downloading the Party! camera app so that we could all see each other’s pictures the next morning and it was so fucking fun! It makes me want to have a fake wedding now so that we can use it on a grander scale, lol. Almost all of the photos in this post are from that app which is how I’m actually in pictures from my own party for once!

This wasn’t taken with the app, but here I am with my sibs Corey and Amy! Amy was super excited to sample all of the Korean beer and makgeolli!

Succulents from Jill <3

LOL tteokbokki smudge on my GD goblet. (I WAS DRINKING CASS AND I LIKED IT! Henry had it a few times in Korea and I had a sip once and said, “Wow, that’s actually not bad for beer” but now that I am a real beer drinker – haha – I appreciate it more.)

Actually, I don’t believe that anyone had any soju! Unless they weren’t using the shot glasses, I dunno!

Rooney was a fan of my clown town house :)

A lot of the pictures turned out this way because I was running into rooms, snapping and retreating. Also, some people (WENDY) didn’t know how to turn the flash off so some of these are a real treat and I was cry-laughing while looking through them!

Even Margie used it!!!

Zakk is Chooch’s Janna. He drags him over here every year for my holiday parties and Zakk is probably like, “Jesus Christ when can I go home?” Also, Chooch went to the store for me that day because I needed, well, everything and also I told him to get get a non-alcoholic holiday punch like the kind that Corey was pushing on him from Trader Joe’s on Xmas Eve. But Chooch couldn’t find anything pre-made at Walmart so he googled and found a “Jingle Bell Punch” recipe and subsequently came home with OJ, apple juice, cranberry juice and then had to go back out for Ginger ale. Also, I was going to go to CVS to get some bags of hopefully marked-down Christmas candy but Chooch said he would handle that too and came home with two big $15 bags of Kisses and Miniatures that weren’t IN HOLIDAY WRAPPERS. $30 for two bags of candy!!

But he did get Dolly Parton holiday plates, so that was something.

Cara stood with her purse on for a long time and I was afraid that meant she was going to leave early but she was one of the last to leave, phew. (She did eventually sit down next to Margie.)

SEAN CAME!! And he wore his BLAME HENRY pin from yesteryear. I saw him walk in and screamed from the back porch because I haven’t seen him since my last pre-covid Xmas party in 2019 when I didn’t want to have a party but Wendy made me. “Just have a small one. Invite Sean,” she said. Wendy is always strong-arming me into these things!

We must have been having a serious conversation. Also, Chris (& Monica!) always has the best hair.

Chooch was getting pelted with college questions all night long and learned that Lauren’s sister also went to Drexel!

Did I mention yet that we have a new doorbell that Henry made for me and I was getting so militant about people ringing the doorbell upon entry that if they failed to do so, I would shout at them to go back outside and try again?? Looking back, I feel like I yell at my guests at every party which begs the question: WHY DO MY FRIENDS KEEP COMING BACK? I’m such a party asshole!

Anyway, Margie in particular was like, “I didn’t see a doorbell! Where is it??”

“WHERE DOORBELLS ARE, MARGIE!” I cried. “IT IS LITERALLY LIT UP!”

All of this chaos over a lunatic doorbell.

Eventually, I wasn’t in the living room anymore and Kara took over as doorbell marshal. Between this and years of taking charge with reading the directions at game night, Kara is basically my second in command! Next year, I’m going to have special vest for herto wear, a la elementary school hall monitors, for when she’s on doorbell duty!

That’s Jill behind Amanda – I didn’t get any good photos of her, ugh! This was also her first time at my house and she is still chatting with me on Teams so I guess I didn’t completely scare her away. Meanwhile, Rooney and Jack played on the back porch and were both little delights. Chingumas is all ages, you guys!

The alcohol is NOT all ages though, lol.

This Party! camera is so weird – some pictures came out lovely and others look like I charged up my 2007 Blackberry for the night.

This was 100% when I was making Chris and Monica join the Party! camera. Monica started to do it and then said to Chris, “I’ll just let you handle this.” LOL.

I DON’T BELIEVE JANNA ASKED PERMISSION TO LAUGH.

Thoughtful trifle dissecting.

These pictures are definitely out of order.

Blurry but keeping! Lauren brought me a hostess gift from the Olive Tap – Sorrento lemon olive oil, which Henry quickly claimed was actually a gift for him and has been obsessing over it ever since. “No one ever brings me a gift!” he cried happily and when I reminded him that she gave it to me, he brushed me off and said, “Yeah, but she knows that I am the one who will be using it!”

He was even googling uses for it the other night and it was so annoying.

Old school work reunion!

Also, I love that we’re able to utilize the back porch and kitchen now because party guests can spread out – I remember our Xmas party in 2016 was one of the only times when every single person I ininvited actually showed up and, being contained to just the living room and dining room, it was such a fire hazard probably.

This was when I made Janna go back upstairs and come back so I could get a picture lol.

YES! Inkigayo sandwiches and a Kloud! Wendy was doing it right.

Everyone was reading the old “Book of Henry” that Chooch and I made, ugh, probably 10+ years ago!? I was so happy that it was getting read after all these years, and it was fun to retell old Henry stories, lol.

I can’t believe Monica agreed to hold a baby!

Amber and Lauren were work-gossiping which is the worst thing to when I’m within ear shot because I kept whipping around and saying things like, “WHO?” “WHEN?”

Anyway, Amber and her husband Steve came here straight from Steve’s work party which was a formal event. I was on the back porch when I saw them walk in and had NO IDEA who they were.

This looks like secrets are being spilled.

I truly can’t believe they sat through this all night.

LOL Corey took this picture of SERVICE ERA HENRY on the fridge.

They were playing some game, I don’t even know.

I dunno who brought these, but they were so good!

Corey’s sloppy plate. (I am sincerely so happy with how the trifle came out!)

OMG MORE SECRETS.

Is someone telling ME a secret now!?

Corey sat in that wheelchair for a long time.

LOL Margie took this of Janna.

I don’t even care about my massive double chin here – I was so giddy when Margie took this so it’s staying! This was when I was trying to help Amber download the Party! camera and she wanted a selfie with me to use as her profile picture and it took eleventy thousand tries.

Chronica foot selfie.

I know exactly what I’m doing here! I’m saying JANNA YOU IDIOT THE BOTTLE OPENER IS RIGHT THERE.

All of these adults orbiting the two teenagers all night, beer in hand.

My favorite thing about my parties is that all my friends from different circles end up talking to each other.

Wendy could NOT get her flash turned off!

LOL Lauren.

Me being an Inkigayo Sandwich server.

…and probably also me being an Inkigayo Sandwich defender!

Corey loves to get me going with old Janna stories and I was seriously almost peeing my pants telling the back porch crew about her Robitussin scandal, the time I made cupcakes for game night and made a “special” one for her, and the infamous Poopy Birthday Cake we made for her as a surprise many moons ago. This was me showing off the picture of it, which inspired questions like, “Why is there a Santa spitting out poop?” WHY INDEED.

This picture sums it all up!

Meanwhile, Kara pointed out that all of these years everyone has been like, “Oh poor Henry.”

“But what about Janna?” Kara asked.

“Justice for Janna!” Amanda said, and I almost peed my pants again.

I love this picture so much.

<3

Lori! I walked through the kitchen at one point while Henry was asking her questions about her house and I took that opportunity to offer up Henry’s handyman services, then kept going about my business.

Everyone but Janna and Corey had left by midnight so this was the after-party. It felt so good to lay back on this chair and relax. This was also the FIRST AND ONLY picture Chooch took using the Party! camera the whole night, because he had JUST DOWNLOADED IT right then. So annoying.

I did have a panic attack that night when I was trying to go to sleep which was weird because I did not feel one iota of stress the entire night. Maybe it was just social overload. Maybe that means I shouldn’t wait until the end of the year to hang out with all of my friends in one go??

I also felt that this year’s was a lot better than last year’s. I missed the people from last year who couldn’t attend this time, but I just felt so much calmer overall and when I think back to last year’s, I feel like I didn’t talk to anyone. This year, I had some good chats with pretty much everyone and it just felt really good. It was a good way to end a not so great year – with the reminder that if you have good friends in your life, things can’t be all that bad.

CHINGUMAS! CHINGUMAS!

Henry, first thing this morning in the hotel: Are you watching the videos you took from last night?

Me: ofc

——

Roadtrip food interlude! I would remiss to not give the vegetarian restaurant we ate at this morning a shout-out in its own post. Henry found this place when he was looking for nearby H-Marts in the Detroit area (we are still trying to build up a k-beer stock for Chingumas, so annoying like a treasure hunt).

Even the name – Spacecat V-stro – is fun!

Full transparency, I originally found myself hovering above the DANGER ZONE which is where I am hyper-focusing on stupid shit – did I gain weight, do I look ugly, should I start a fight, should I punish myself? Why am I like this. I came so close to being like, “just forget the original plan, let’s just go home.”

But I fought with myself quietly behind the scenes (i.e. in my head) and just kept my big mouth shut so that we could just for once have a good morning. I know I’m difficult. I can’t always control it but if I can, I will. OK?? Leave me alone.

Spacecat can be found on a really cool, Pride flag-prominent street in Ferndale, also in good company with cozy-looking bars that probably have beers I can actually enjoy unlike Harry’s, indie gift shops, and a plant store that I would have popped into if it was open.

We also had a pleasant encounter on the sidewalk with a doctor (HE WAS WEARING A DOCTOR COAT; maybe he was a doctor for Halloween and really grew attached to the jacket but I really feel like he was a legit doctor guys, so stop asking me questions about it) regarding the hours of street parking while Henry was trying to download the parking app. I tried to point out that it said right on the parking kiosk that parking was 11am-12am or something but no one listened to me and it was just like the time Henry and I went to this haunted adventure trail where we ended up losing because Henry and some other cis white male ignored me and my correct solutions to the quests but it’s not like that happened in 2003 and I still dwell on it 21 years later because that wouldn’t be like me at all.

Anyway, it was 8:45am when we eventually went inside while Henry was still fussing with the parking app. There was only one person there – presumably the owner – and she greeted us so casually yet warmly as though expecting us, and I immediately knew it was going to be a good experience.

She told us to have a seat anywhere and then asked with a friendly eye brow raise, “You ready for some coffee?”

BET.

Most of the artwork was CATS. Fully my style. And the soundtrack was a great retro punk mix.

When the Spacecat lady came over with coffee and menus, she noticed Henry struggling with the parking app and said, “oh you don’t need to worry about that until 11!”

Mmmmmmm. YA DONT SAY, HENRY.

Now, about that menu! It’s almost predominately vegan but they DO bill themselves as a vegetarian restaurant because some of the things do have eggs/dairy. Others are naturally vegan, and then the rest have the option to swap out dairy cheese with vegan cheese.

I like their transparency!

I also like that all of their protein is made in-house, so no Impossible or Beyond products being used there. I appreciated this because I feel like it’s a cop-out to just add some toppings to an Impossible patty and then charge $20. Granted, I think Impossible burgers are delicious but I almost never order them while out because they kill my stomach and make me feel overstuffed.

Even the chik’n here was housemade with tofu, similar to how Zenith makes their tofishy sandwiches. I came so close to getting one of the chicken sandwiches (yes, it was 9am but who cares) but ultimately Henry ordered the chk’n and waffles so I just stole some off his plate – it was DIVINE. Henry, an avid disliker of tofu, fully approved of how the tofu had transformed into fried chicken.

And as for me, I was torn between several items on the brunch menu and the weekly grilled cheese special, but ultimately asked our Spacecat tour guide what their favorite of the two veggie burgers was. She steered me toward the Red Dwarf because it has “more going on” as opposed to the other burger option which was a more traditional patty melt. I also opted for the vegan cheese.

It was HEAVENLY. SPACEY even. The party was made from beets (and quinoa I think) and carrot “bacon” and the most deliciously tangy homemade sauce. I got it with a side of warm garlic kale and I could not have been more satisfied. It left me feeling full but not gross and bloated.

This food is made with love (they’re actually closed on Mondays and Tuesdays to make all of the food for the week) and even though it was nutritious, it still had that “restaurant cheat meal” edge to it.

Even Henry was raving about how much he enjoyed it.

And again, while I would have given this place a solid thumbs up regardless, the way the owner (?) was so down to earth and genuinely interested in where we were from, what brought us to Detroit, what the veg scene is like in Pgh – it just made it so much more memorable. I’m sure we will be back at some point to visit Jessi and Bill and when that happens, I am making them go there with us!

This just really set the tone for the day, in the most positive way possible. Literally the rest of the day – hunting for Korean beer at HMart, stopping at Biggby for coffee, and just being in the car together as we made our way back home – was so enjoyable and pleasant. No complaints. I can’t say that every often!

We’re officially home from the weekend road trip and somehow it feels like we were gone for way longer than 48 hours and also my right thumb feels like it’s injured suddenly so that’s a fun thing that I will need to investigate further.

Not much happened yesterday aside from a brief visit to Hershey Park which I guess I will recap later although not too much to report on there.

However, afterward we stopped at The Soda Jerk for dinner. We ate here a few years ago too and if I recall / I think / we all kind of liked it / etc. etc. Dinner at Soda Jerks.

I’m delirious.

Anyway, when we walked in, Henry asked me if I wanted a booth and I said yes of course duh booth of gtfo what kind of question even is that.

So then the hostess came over and he WHISPERED about wanting a booth, literally WHISPERED, and then seem shocked when she slapped down the menus at a table.

I was so annoyed and Chooch was too out of principle so then Henry started getting all defensive about how we’re perfectly capable of asking for a booth and I said, “You literally said you were going to ask! Then don’t say you’re going to ask and turn it around on us!” And it turned into a thing so he angrily shot up from the table and stormed off to find someone to ask if we could move to a booth and then they made Chooch and I even more disgusted because we hate when he acts like a tough guy who has to do everything. Like bitch please do you know how hard our roles are as “the cute pampered entitled ones of the family”?? It is annoying when we have to ask for things that should always be done automatically!!

Anyway, we got to move to a booth. Here is Henry trying to act mad still:

I tired to move his placement over to Chooch’s side but then Chooch moved it back while Henry tried to play off the fact that no one in his party desired to sit next to him.

This National Geographic tshirt was a whole ordeal. I haven’t gotten to this in my Korea recaps yet but this (and Kodak?!) are trending and the clothes etc are $$$. I couldn’t believe it?! I bought him this shirt after being worn down by his whining because it was the only thing under $100 really. Ridiculous. I was like, “Please don’t get ketchup on your shirt.”

SIDE NOTE: They don’t use Heinz at The Soda Jerk??

SECOND SIDE NOTE: This is how Chooch has looked at both Henry and me for the last…13 years probably. OK, 16.

Chooch was excited because they had blackberry lemonade, as evidenced by the white sticker stuck to the beverage section of the menu, boasting “blackberry lemonade / strawberry lemonade” in actually very neat handwriting, so props to Soda Jerk for taking pride in penmanship. This is a lost art in some eating establishments as evidenced just by walking down our very own Brookline Blvd.

But when he ordered it, our server – who displayed the exact opposite levels of attentiveness and friendliness as NAT from MONSTER VEGAN and appeared to be looking off into the distance for her boyfriend to roll up on his hog to rescue her from this GREASE PIT – came back and reported that they were OUT OF BLACKBERRY LEMONADE. Chooch, crestfallen, said, “Oh…how about the strawberry lemonade then?”

This resulted in a slight huff from this young lady who now hated us and she said, “I DON’T KNOW LET ME CHECK” and walked the whole whopping ten feet back to the counter where she hollered down to another server, “DO WE HAVE STRAWBERRY LEMONADE??” and we heard a disembodied voice call back, “Yes, and we have blackberry too!”

Chooch and I exchanged a look, and then a glass of blackberry lemonade was set down in front of him a few moments later. “I lied, we did have blackberry lemonade” and then she flitted away without also giving me my coffee, which is ALL I HAD WANTED FOR HOURS UPON HOURS as noted by all who walked near me in Hershey Park as I whined about needing coffee and how it was rendering me incapable of walking in a straight line.

Meanwhile, Henry had just returned from lala land. “What flavor is that, raspberry?” Henry asked as Chooch complained about how his lemonade didn’t even taste like blackberry. And then after Chooch said “blackberry,” Henry goes, “I thought they didn’t have blackberry?”

In unison, Chooch and I groaned our patented teenage “Oh my god.” Literally, Henry is always four chapters behind. So unaware!!

Next thing we knew, our food was here, and my coffee still was not.

She asked if she could bring us anything else, and I asked, “Could I also have coffee?” not wanting to make her feel dumb for forgetting it, you know? So instead, I’ll just….reorder it. Maybe she was having a bad day. Maybe her pet turtle died. Maybe her boyfriend was not going to show up for her on his bitchin’ hog because he dumped her the night before. My tactic in life lately is to be an anti-Karen. For instance, my neighbor was outside bitching to another neighbor about me feeding the squirrels so instead of going out there and escalating it because when I tell you that I am stressed to the point where a neighbor confrontation MIGHT cause me to have a heart attack – well, it might be a slight exaggeration but I did have chest pains earlier today, so – I went outside and said, “HI HOW ARE YOU I HAVEN’T TALKED TO YOU IN A WHILE” and then not only did this remind her that I am a human being, but we both had a chance to bitch about our shared nemesis – the landlord.

“Sorry about that, ma’am,” she said in her monotone (which also had a slight twang, curious for Pennsylvania) and slipped away to retrieve it. And then, “Sorry again, ma’am,” as she set it down in front of me.

“I hate that she keeps calling me ma’am,” I said sadly, really driving in the nail of a weekend full of reminders that I’m a fucking old ass bitch with a kid on his way to college. I hated this weekend. I mean, it was fun, but with an underlying, foreboding sense of mortality.

Dude, I will say this was a great grilled cheese though. The rye bread was pretty substantial. Not as rye-full as I would have liked but there is nothing worse than going to a restaurant and getting served a flat-AF grilled cheese on white bread that looks like two abnormally-shaped Wonder slices that were stepped on first.

“She never brought my coleslaw,” Henry muttered, probably knowing that we wouldn’t care but I had to laugh because our server was SO QUICK to solemnly point out, “Coleslaw’s gonna be extra then,” when he also asked for fries. He said that was FINE but maybe she was just trying to save him monies.

When she came back to half-assedly check on us and ask if we needed anything, Henry barked, “Coleslaw.”

Literally, just “coleslaw” nothing else, Chooch and I were dead.

“SHE HATES US SO MUCH,” he cried and Henry, with a twitch of his mustache, said, “I DON’T REALLY CARE,  I ORDERED COLE SLAW AND I WANT IT.”

Wow, calm down, Sergeant Side Dish.

Anyway, she brought him his coleslaw and then practically ran away. Chooch and I were wheezing because she had coleslaw hanging over the side of the bowl, like she just slopped it there with her bare hands. I wished she had dumped it on his head, but alas, no vinegar-y highlights were administered on this day.

I think my favorite part was when Chooch watched her set an empty pitcher under the beverage thing, hit the water button, and then walk away.

“No way is she coming back in time for that,” Chooch said, and then all three of us were transformed into water-pouring spectators. It was exciting! We were downright giddy over it. From my vantage, I couldn’t see our waitress but Chooch said she was fully out of sight, definitely not making it back in time.

It was JUST ABOUT TO SPILL OVER when the hostess came in from around the corner, started to walk past it, but then backtracked and turned it off RIGHT BEFORE IT OVERFLOWED. “Were you guys watching this?” she asked, totally busting us. Chooch and I guiltily nodded (Henry was probably still trying to figure out what we were looking at) and then she started cracking up. “Oh, this happens all the time!” she said, trying to play it off. “Good thing there’s this grate under it!”

And we were like, “Yeah, hahaha.”

o.O

Henry was in such a hurry to get out of here, but I was like, “WAIT! I need a t-shirt!” Because as you know, collecting t-shirts from stupid restaurants we eat at while on road trips is my new “magnet collection.”

“Jesus Christ,” Henry started bitching under his breath immediately when I cried, “PINK, SMALL!” and then I resumed paparazzi stance because our server was due to come bursting out of the kitchen with a plate of mistakes at any minute.

“Oh my god, you are SUCH a creep,” Chooch scoffed, but I know one day when we’re telling his kids about this at Christmas, at Trudy’s feet (that’s where I picture Future Granda Erin telling stories to her Future Grandchildren, one of whom is always a squirrel in my imagination) he’ll be happy to have photo exhibits to go along with these tales.

Also, the lady in the bandanna tunic is the one who busted us watching for a water pitcher foul.

The back of my new shirt LOLOL.

Also, I tried to get Henry and Chooch to pose for a deranged selfie in front of the diner’s mirrored facade, but they both said, “Fuck no,” and ran to the car.

There were people sitting right on the other and Henry was like, “THOSE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO EAT, CAN YOU NOT!?”

:)

And that’s all. Then we continued our drive home. Got in around 9PM.

I was so happy when Kara texted me recently about making good on our mutual promise for a Zenith field day because I really needed something to look forward to. The first exposure to this pretty baby unicorn meatless treasure trove was in 2008 when Kara suggested going here and it has since brought me so many beautiful memories and household oddities.

I can’t believe it’s been THIS LONG since Kara and I were last at Zenith together! 2015!

At the very last minute yesterday, I found Henry lounging on the back porch, eyes glazed over as an effect of too many Instagram reels in a row, and I exclaimed, “Henry! I just had the BEST idea!” He slowly lowered his phone and looked at me, silent fear radiating from his pores. “What if you drive me to lunch!?”

He looked relieved, but then also annoyed because he had plans to just loaf around I’m sure.

I just really can’t deal with street parking anymore even though I knew it probably wouldn’t have been that bad given the time. It all worked out though because as we cruised past Zenith, I noticed a sign on the door that said CASH ONLY which was news to me, but then again, I haven’t eaten there since December 2019 according to This Old Blog. The pandemic really conditioned us to prefer take-out so that’s how we’ve been enjoying all of our Zenith meals ever since 2020. Anyway, Henry now had to drive farther down the street to GetGo in order to take money out. I told him I preferred small bills so He had to then try to get change by purchasing a cookie. He was SO STOKED to tell me that the cashier told him he could “just have the cookie” and he was like, “Oh, but I needed to break these bills” and she said, “That’s OK, you can still have the cookie.”

”Was it old?” I asked with absolutely no interest.

“No…she just liked me and wanted me to have a free cookie.”

“OK. Was she old?” I laughed in the style of a suburban Mean Girl, because I can’t imagine anyone else trying to hook Henry up because they thought he was cute or something.

“She was….Pittsburgh,” he said carefully.

Yep, that’s what I thought.

He kept trying to brag about it even still, maybe even make me jealous, but I had my tofishy blinders on so I really wouldn’t have cared if she offered to take him in the back, to be honest. Tofishy and Zenith bundt cake. Nothing else mattered.

Anyway, Henry dropped me off and probably called his mommy on the way home to tell her about his free cookie, while Kara and I were told to choose any table we wanted in the back room and of course accidentally chose the ONE TABLE that hadn’t been entirely cleaned off after the last diners. I didn’t even realize – I mean, OK there were some crumbs on my side, but I thought the pitcher of water and glasses were there for us. I came SO CLOSE several times to pouring myself a glass and was like WTF when the server came over and swiped the glasses and pitcher away from us – with an eye roll, according to Kara!

For the Zenith uninitiated, the tofishy sandwich is a fan favorite but only appears on the weekly menu a few times a year. They usually announce its arrival on Instagram with a ridiculous tofishy “commercial” – I was stoked when I saw that it was going to be available for our lunch date! It’s hands down my favorite Zenith menu item.

KARA GOT THE ZUCCHINI BOATS INSTEAD. At first, I thought, “Wow, that’s blasphemy” but then her boats arrived and I was like, “OK maybe I have regertz.” It looked realllly good! I failed to ask her if they were because we literally never shut up about life drama, our kids, KOREA. Of course, I realized as soon as we left that we never even got around to talking about books!!

Pretty sure the server was trying to speed us along, but Kara ignored the check that he was trying to put down and asked him what cakes were available that day. YESSSS. You can’t go to Zenith without finishing off with a slice of their famous vegan cakes. It’s part of the process. Sometimes I think about going there and JUST getting tea and cake. Why have I never done this!? A late afternoon tea & cake session sounds like heaven.

After lunch was “bathroom selfies and what can Kara try to get Erin to buy to make Henry frown” time, as per tradition. LUCKILY FOR HENRY, the “cash-only” policy made it so that I could not purchase anything without asking him to take out more cash for me, and we are only ONE WEEK out of the conservatorship, so I really didn’t want to go begging him for an allowance. UGH. I need to be better about carrying cash on me!

I’ve never seen this type of Christmas tree with bows and birds before!

Zenith is such a soothing vibe.

Kara urgently pointed out this dress for me to consider for the upcoming un-wedding and I have to admit, it sparked some joy in me but I don’t think I could stuff that in a suitcase! Maybe if our current plans don’t pan out and we end up doing a small ceremony here, I will have to inquire further, lol. Looks like Seamster Henry would just need to add some additional tulle to the bottom?!

I still love this bathroom so so so so much but I miss the OG blue.

We capped off the lunch date with Kara referencing hotdog costume sexcapades in regular indoor voice and not hushed tones, and I can only hope they heard this back in the kitchen because I imagine it gave them some pause, out of context and probably even WITH context!

Anyway, thank you, Kara for meeting me at our beloved Zenith for lunch – it’s always awesome catching up!

Excuse me for the out-of-orderness, but today we are going to skip ahead and talk about one of the things that was done during the extremely short time we were in Atlanta(ish) this past weekend.

And that was SLUTTY VEGAN! This was our second time there so weren’t virgins anymore, but no one would know that because we weren’t ASKED this time around, so that made me sad because I wanted to see what sort of fanfare was in store for us of the meat-free promiscuous persuasion. I dunno man, I was pretty irritable because I hadn’t had breakfast (Henry took us to a dumb place called THE GRIND after we checked out of our hotel in WYTHESVILLE VIRGINIA that morning and I was super annoyed at their menu and ended up getting NO FOOD and shitty coffee but it’s not even worth saying anything more than that!) and then just got a breakfast bar at a gas station at some point on the drive to Atlanta, so I was fucking HUNGGGY and perhaps this also dampened the slutty mood for me.

We chose a different location from the one we went to in 2021, mistakenly thinking that this one offered the option to dine-in. Wrong. They also didn’t have the vegan fish sandwich on the menu, which is what I had my heart set on. So I ended up panic-ordering the chicken sandwich which I think I might have ordered last time so I had immediate regertz but the girl taking my order looked like she would rather be doing anything else in the world other than talking to my lame ass, so I just went with it and then walked away. This pissed off Henry because apparently I was supposed to order for everyone?!?! Is it because he doesn’t like saying the names of the food out loud?! (One Night Stand, Side Heaux, etc.?? Although he swears on his life that he “didn’t know how to pronounce ‘heaux’ so that’s why he asked me to say it for him. Mmmmm.)

I’LL SAY.

Then we stood around for the longest time, watching a parade of people who ordered after us getting their food first, so that was cool. But some lady who was also waiting for her food said she liked my Vans and that they were a pretty color and I thanked her as though I manufactured them myself when what I really wanted to say was that I thought they would have looked nice with the shirt she was wearing but I stopped myself because I was SO FUCKING HUNGRY and it felt like there was nothing in my head but helium, and sometimes when I attempt small talk with strangers when I’m in this type of state, shit gets weird, things take a turn, words get twisted.

Finally, our # was called and I told Henry to go back and get sauce but then Chooch and I left him there alone and he didn’t know what kind of sauce I wanted even though I had SPECIFIED THIS numerous times: in the car on the way there, at home the day before we left, and also immediately after he ordered when I said, “YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR THE BLUEBERRY MAYO AND SLUT SAUCE BUT OK COOK ON.” Chooch and I were all the way at the end of the sidewalk, waiting to cross the street, when he popped out of the Slutty Vegan, twitched his ‘stache and opened his arms like Jesus but stupider.

“What is he doing?” I asked.

“Who knows, who cares,” Chooch muttered, looking back at his phone.

Apparently, he was trying to ask what sauce I wanted but the MADD SLUT had to go back inside, pull up his hot pants, and figure it out on his own. He literally makes everything a hassle.

This was on the next block and I wanted to go.

Anyway, now the real fun began! TRYING TO FIND A PUBLIC PLACE TO EAT OUR LATE-ASS LUNCH (it was 4pm at this point) in an unfamiliar area. There was a cemetery right up the street so we thought that would be perf but apparently it’s a famous historic cemetery that is a TOURIST ATTRACTION that actually has a visitors center and walking tours, so there were people walking all about and nowhere to park and eat privately. We did drive past Kenny Rogers’ grave though so that was something!

Eventually, and I do mean about 30 MINUTES LATER  (Henry says 15 but he is really fucking undershooting this estimate, friends), we found a park that had a vacant picnic table next to a basketball court, so we set up camp there and I fucking swear to god, I ate so fast in the 98 degree heat that I think the masticated food might have actually recooked itself on the way down.

I made Henry order the Side Heaux “for the table.” It’s ‘shrimp’!! I love this so much – I can’t remember if I had something with it on it last time, or if I made Henry get the burger that is topped with it, but one of us had it and I know that I liked it so much I haven’t not been able to stop craving it. Thankfully, it lived up the memory – this stuff is good. The texture is spot-on, the seasoning and breading is nostalgic, and it’s just overall 100% satisfying.

Henry and I split our orders with each other: He got the One Night Stand which I think is just a burger with bacon, and I got the Chik’n Head which had pickles and a really delicious sauce. Both were delicious and I like that they come on vegan Hawaiian rolls.

I honestly think the fries are just OK but the SLUT SAUCE IS SO FUCKING GOOD.

Chooch got the “Big Dawg” and I’m sure he will be thrilled one day when he’s an adult, creeping on “that stupid blog Mother used to have” 20-some years from now and stumbles upon this picture :)

We also got a mini sweet potato pie which cost $3.50 AND IS BASICALLY A TWO-BITER. We failed and didn’t get this last time so I was adamant on pie redemption. After he ordered and I saw how small they are, I said, “Oh shit, maybe you should have ordered more than one.” Well, I’m glad he didn’t because this wasn’t that great after all. I took a small bite and immediately pushed it back at him to eat the rest. We also got the seamoss banana pudding which was more substantial and fucking heavenly. Holy shit, I should have just ordered three of these and nothing else.

Afterward, Henry mentioned that all of this cost over $100 with tip!?!??! ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I’m sorry, I know vegan food is $$$ but I gotta drop Slutty Vegan down several notches after this return trip. It’s good but not THAT good. And then if you’re not a local, you gotta find somewhere to eat that shit too. It just wasn’t the greatest experience this time around and I honestly think that the reason I gave it such high praise the last time we ordered there was because the girl who took our order was SO FRIENDLY and personable. She gave us recommendations, didn’t make us feel like n00bs (even though we were) and plus we got the whole WE GOT SOME VIRGINS IN THE HOUSE treatment that SV is known for.

Maybe it’s because they expanded too fast and don’t put as much care and attention into their patrons now, as often happens when a restaurant grows too quickly. I mean, they have a location in NYC now and just posted on Instagram asking where they should open the next location, so. I dunno, calm down, maybe?

I’m not saying don’t eat there!! I’m just saying that we personally will likely give another vegan establishment a try the next time we’re in the ATL area because the novelty has worn off a bit for us. When you have just driven 6 hours after driving an additional 5 hours the night before, you kind of want to sit down inside a restaurant and eat the food that you just spent $100+ on, not drive around aimlessly while it gets cold and coagulated in a bag.  Plus, we have eaten at some other really memorable vegan places since then that have been better.

And that’s my opinion, boy-o.

There’s this trendy waffle joint that opened in Oakland somewhat recently, like within the last year. I drive past it whenever I take Chooch to school and I always whine about wanting to go but then we never do because Henry and Chooch don’t get stoked about things like this the way that I do.

I got over it after a while but apparently Corey mentioned to Chooch at some point recently that he wanted to go so then suddenly it became appealing to Surly Teen.

Chooch and I were both on Monday in honor of MLK Jr Day, so it seemed like a good opportunity to try some Smashed Waffles with Corey.

First of all, I was sulking because when I looked at their menu online the other day, there was a waffle under the SWEET SECTION called the John Lemon, which was, you know, lemony. I had my heart set on that one and the Cereal Killer because you know me and Fruity Pebbles as a topping.

But then we got there and IT WASN’T ON THE MENU. Chooch pressured me into choosing the SEASONAL WAFFLE so I did and immediately after paying for our order, I looked up on the digital screen just in time to see a picture of the HOT CHOCOLATE WAFFLE so I cried out, “Is that the seasonal waffle?!” and Chooch was all, “Yeah, that’s what I was trying to tell you.”

BITCH, WHEN?

I 100% would NOT have ordered the seasonal one had I known it was HOT CHOCOLATE, which was essentially just a waffle with chocolate syrup and marshmallows?!

I was BIG PISSED about this, and then I was even more annoyed because the seating options were not ideal and Chooch and I tried in vain to get Corey to grab a recently vacated table next to the window but some dumb trio of girls practically knocked him over and managed to claim it even though COREY WAS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO IT.

They just wanted it more, I guess.

So we stuck with our sad wobbly table by the restrooms. Don’t worry – I complained about that AND my ordering regrets the whole time, in perfect Erin fashion.

The waffle itself was actually pretty good but the hot chocolate one just really set me off. I wish I had done with Corey and Chooch did – they both got a breakfast sandwich AND a sweet waffle. My two sweet waffles were very unsatisfying. This was 100% more of a “fun snack” during an outing than a lunch. It just didn’t cut it for me and I had to make toast when I got home later!

I did get a pretty delicious latte though but now I forget which one it was – I think it ad honey and cinnamon in it!? It was pretty wonderful, to be honest.

Every time a young person walked past the window, Corey would blurt out, “do you know them?” to Chooch since we were on his school turf. I love how when I do that, Chooch gets so bitchy, but it was SO COOL AND FUNNY WHEN COREY WAS DOING IT. Ugh, Chooch.

After that, we walked around for a bit even though Corey was lowkey worried about his car getting towed, lol. Once Chooch and I realized that Corey had never been to the top-ish of the Cathedral of Learning, we were like, “Oh no, you gotta do it, let’s go” and it made me laugh a little that Chooch is so well-versed in the inner workings of the Cathedral when I’m the one who actually went to Pitt and had classes there! The Secret Life of Chooch. I know he also hangs out around the CMU campus too…? It moderately concerns me that I have no idea what he’s doing after school, because it’s definitely not “immediately coming home.”

“What if we could see your car getting towed right now?” Chooch said to Corey, which made him belt out one of his signature SUPER BOISTEROUS BELLY LAUGHS in the VERY SMALL observation area of the Cathedral.

Damn, this view never gets old. I love the Cathedral of Learning so so so so much. It was the best part of Pitt.

This rando’ storage nook was open!? Corey tried to get me to take some marketing award that was stashed in there.

I felt like I had chocolate on my face from the HOT CHOCOLATE waffle, but I guess I didn’t after all.

CATHEDRAL SELFIE! Not pictured: MY DOUG PIN.

Sadly, none of the nationality rooms were open that day so we couldn’t show Corey all that funnery that takes place on the lower levels of the Cathedral. I love taking people there when they come to Pittsburgh to visit. The Cathedral is just, ugh, so good. But then when we left, I stepped off the sidewalk slightly and it caught me off guard to where I thought I was going to fall so I overcorrected myself too zealously and tweaked my back and now my already-effed back hurts even worse than usual. Yay, 40s.

That was a really fun afternoon! But then a few hours after we came home, THE HAWK CAME BACK and was perched on the telephone pole in front of my house so I was freaking the fuck out, telling it to go fuck itself, clapping real loud, stamping my feet – you know, the usual things that you do when you’re trying to get a fucking hawk to fuck right off because you’re protecting your squirrel family. Henry came home from work while I was out there staring the fucker down (this had been going on for 20 minutes by then) so Henry joined me but his role in all of this is more of a WILDLIFE OBSERVER, like he will stand there calmly with his hands clasped behind his back, smiling dreamily, lost in the awe-inspiring moment. The opposite of me, obviously.

Then Henry did something really stupid and said, “Usually when there is one hawk, there is another nearby—oh look, there it is!” and then pointed across the street at the church where another MUCH LARGER HAWK was perched ON THE FUCKING CROSS and as if on cue, turned and flew toward us, landing on a tree right across the street. SO NOW I HAD TO FUCK WITH TWO HAWKS.

While this was happening, Chooch left the house to go to the mall. When he walked down the sidewalk under the telephone pole where Hawk #1 was sitting, the hawk looked down at Chooch and did this antagonizing bob and weave like he was going to dive on him!? I HATE THESE FUCKERS SO MUCH!!!!

“Can’t I call the mayor?!” I cried to Henry, after he said that the game preserve, etc. wouldn’t do anything if I called because, once again, these assholes are FEDERALLY PROTECTED.

“No, you can’t call the mayor!” Henry yelled.

So then I had a great idea. I suggested that we get Blake to pretend like the hawk tried to take his toddler Milo.

“And then I can call the mayor and tell him that he needs to get someone to Brookline to remove the hawks and release them in some mountain in West Virginia, probably,” I explained, the plan coming together to quickly in my head.

“But the mayor will want to see Milo and then he’ll wonder why he doesn’t have any wounds?” Henry questioned, always trying to find PLOT HOLES in my stories.

“Well, of course Milo won’t have any wounds, because I stopped the hawk from reaching him!” I yelled, like try to keep up, idiot. This story is brilliant actually because I get to be a hero AND have the hawks evicted.

I’m going to talk to Blake about this, get him up to speed so that he can corroborate my story once the mayor and the news crews get here. Probably Biden too.

Yo. Yo yo yo. This weekend was jam-packed with delicious vegan treats (and lots of house projects, etc but that’s all boring and mostly shit that Henry was doing while I crossed things off his list). First up, we drove out to New Kensington on Saturday to pick up our pre-ordered 1/2 dozen of Stranger Things donuts. They were pretty pricey for the size (our basis of comparison was Valkyrie, another vegan donut bakery that is comparable in cost but much larger) but the taste was mighty.

I genuinely liked them all, but the Eleven (the waffle one, obv) was my favorite because it was a fry-donut which I really like, and the glaze was maple syrup-y. It was just really delicious without being too cloying.

Tied for #2 was that Demogorgan one up there that looks like a cannoli kind of. It had a tangy raspberry jam filling which tasted super fresh, like the raspberries were plucked right off a branch before being shoved inside a Demogorgan’s asshole. I am probably spelling that wrong every time because I also cannot pronounce it, even having watched all 4 seasons of Stranger Things and Chooch always has to angrily correct me. Sure, I could Google, but let’s just keep it authentic.

My other #2 was the Steve which was two crispy donut slices sandwiched together around the SMOOTHEST buttercream, oh holy SHIT it was like jizz from an angel. So silky. So sweet. So XXX inside my mouth.

The Will was a classic iced and sprinkle donut, the Hopper was topped with fried apples, and the Joyce was chocolate and filled with a peanut butter cream – this was the only one I wasn’t crazy about only because when it comes to donuts, I tend to gravitate more toward the light and fruity flavors. I thought it tasted great but it was just too much for me!

I should also note that these donuts were split three-ways, and that Henry abandoned us when we came home with them so CHOOCH cut them and I was so nervous.

THEN!! Sugarspell Scoops, the PREMIERE vegan ice cream shop in Pittsburgh, had a BOOK-THEMED pint presale to benefit the Sharpsburg library so you know I had to open my wallet and show my support for books and vegan ice cream. There were 6 flavors in all, but I’m trying to not be too pigalicious a week before the pie party, so I gave myself a 4 pint limit, lol ugh.

I had to get the Alice In Wonderland flav though because it’s EARL GREY and that’s one of the types of pies Henry is making next week! (Spoiler to all the people who are reading this who might actually be there next week.) Moby Dick is a mint cookies and cream, Huckleberry Fig is a LUSCIOUS sorbet (I love figs so I had to get this one, also sorbets are so healthy RIGHT??), and the Baudelaire’s one is self-explanatory.

DO NOT MAKE ME CHOOSE A FAVE. Sugarspell knocked it out of the park as usual. I love them so much and want everyone in Pgh to support them, whether you are vegan or not!

In other weekend news, we watched “X” (I’m so out of the loop when it comes to horror movies, someone should revoke my Fangoria card, really) and it really resonated with me in some type of way that I don’t think was a good thing? I had some pretty killer nightmares, the kinds that are rooted in reality, like “THIS COULD HAPPEN AND I CAN’T TELL IF IT’S A DREAM” and then I woke up feeling awful and disoriented.

REALLY GOOD MOVIE THOUGH, I know I did a shitty job selling it, lol. But wow, I’m ready/not at all ready for Pearl.

Then Henry knocked Wonho over and gave him apologetic fluffs. I was so mad though.

<Hold plz, Chooch has requested that we go on a walk. brb>

<OMG it was just a thinly-veiled excuse to go to the gas station and have me buy him drinks and also the stupid ONE CHIP CHALLENGE and somehow, that, two waters, and a Gatorade came to $20 and yes I know the chip is like $9 but I feel like one of the drinks got rung up twice and I didn’t take the receipt and Chooch and I argued about it the whole way home because he didn’t want to go back to get it because “that guy always makes him uncomfortable because he’s so weird” and I yelled, “YEAH HE’S SO WEIRD BECAUSE HE’S THINKING OF WAYS TO SCREW OVER THE NEXT CUSTOMER!”>

<Now Henry is lecturing both of us and Chooch won’t eat the chip because it “tastes bad” and we were like WHAT DID YOU EXPECT and then I screamed, “YOU’RE EATING THAT WHOLE THING, GET A GLASS OF MILK, ASSHOLE.” But he just laughed and went to his room. UGH!!!>

Um, nothing else really exciting happened. Lots of spray painting picture frames and old TVs. Henry said his FitBit shows that he swan for 20 minutes yesterday and we figured out that it must have picked up on the motion his arm was making when he was spray painting??

One of my favorite things to do before going on a road trip is look for restaurants in the area. I have a very particular set of requirements so it’s good to be proactive. If we’re going to a bigger city, I will for sure look for vegan joints but small towns have me looking for the greasy spoon time capsules. If a review is bad because the place is outdated, it goes on the list.

If it’s quirky or novel, borderlining on roadside attraction, here comes Erin. (See: Mr. Happy and Pal’s!)

These are the very important duties I task myself with, in case you were wondering what I do when I’m not getting yelled at by attorneys at work or walking my feet off because I’m a slave to my step goal.

So when I came across Mr. Pancake, housed in a structure shaped like a river boat and family-owned dating back to the 60s, I refused to leave Wisconsin Dells until we ate there.

Especially after watching some local news story from 12 years ago highlighting the breakfast spot loved by tourists and locals alike.

That clip of the food-faced bitch getting floaters all up in her apple juice made me dry heave though.

But I was otherwise reminding Henry by way of FACE-SCREAM that we were going to eat at Mr. Pancake and he was like “ok” while pushing past me to finish his chores and Chooch would just curtly say, “I don’t know what that means” and then acted like it was NEWS TO HIM when we drove past it yesterday while going to our hotel.

Anyway, we almost had to scrap the plan because they’re only open until noon so we would have had to go Sunday morning except that we still need to drive to Chicago-ish to go to Six Flags and prefer to get to new-to-us parks when they open because we’re always on a mission, you know.

I’m sure Henry and Chooch were less then thrilled with my declaration that we’d just have to leave the hotel earlier than intended and get to Mr. Pancake as soon as they opened at 7.

We were the first ones here! We arrived at 6:53 and Henry was like I AM NOT SITTING IN THIS PARKING LOT IT WILL MAKE THE WAITSTAFF NERVOUS so we had to drive around the still-sleeping Dells. When we got back at 6:58, the lot was still empty and I told Henry to park right next to the door and he was like I AM NOT PARKING THERE I WILL PARK OVER HERE AWAY FROM THE BUILDING. What a weirdo.

Then I got out and ran over to the door but the CLOSED sign was still up even though it was now exactly 7 so I got nervous but JUST THEN the hostess came over and flipped the sign while smiling at me through the window of the door.

I ran back down the steps and yelled, “SHE CHANGED THE SIGN TO OPEN!” to Chooch who was like “yes I know I’m standing right here, I saw, you’re so annoying.”

MR PANCAKE SELFIE! WE WERE THE FIRST PATRONS! Our waitress’s name was Paula and she was amazing and really helped us navigate the tricky menu.

(It was not tricky but she still held our hands and promised us that we would never walk alone while in her care.)

(Fine. She didn’t hold our hands but her soothing tone implied that was spiritually braiding her fingers into ours while leading us down a path of tulip petals and housemade maple cinnamon syrup.)

FIRST ONES BEST ONES!

Chooch is in the Blocking His Face From Mommy’s Camera stage of his life.

You guys!! I got a blueberry waffle which came with lemon butter! When Paula checked in on us later, I blurted out with such urgency that her face flashed with alarm, “I didn’t know the butter was going to be lemony!” But then I gushed, “I love it!” so her face relaxed into her standard cheerful Wisconsin visage and she proudly declared that it’s made in house. JUST LIKE THE SYRUP.

A few years, two bitches from some local supper club took the reins of Mr. Pancake from the family who had been running it since the 60s. The history on the website says that they kept the OG recipes but added some stuff to the menu and I told Henry I bet the BARISTA section of the menu and the fancy house made butters and syrups were their doing. But for some reason I said it is a disparaging, snippy tone like these uppity supper club broads were really leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth for literally no concrete reason that I can give you to back up my intentions. Sometimes I JUST BE LIKE THAT.

Anyway, I also had my eyes on the Iowa Corn Pancakes (?!?!?!) because they were filled with corn and corn meal!! But I cannot eat three pancakes and there was no down-sizing option. However, Henry got an omelet which came with two pancakes and Paula said that he could substitute any of the specialty pancakes for a small upcharge so I told him to get the corn ones and he did and they were SO GOOD. Actual corn kernels plopped out when he cut into them. I mean, it wasn’t like a pouch of corn cooked into the cakes but more so just interspersed throughout. I love corn stuff, especially when it’s surprise corn like in Korea, where they love to sneak handfuls of kernels in where you’d least suspect it, like pizza and lattes.

음ㅁㅁㅁㅁ, 옥수수 🌽.

By the time we left, Mr. Pancake had filled up with patrons filling up on carbs before a day of water-parking, including a family with a really fucking bratty toddler that proceeded to scream its face off immediately upon being seated and at one point the mom yelled YOURE BEING BAD and I am going to start publicly calling Chooch out for being bad too. It’s what he deserves.

Mr. Pancake gets an A- from me though because I didn’t like their souvenir T-shirts and they didn’t have coffee cups for sale!! I would have bought one for sure. They should make white ones with a red outline of the Mr. Pancake river boat thing.

끝.

Hello from Savannah, Georgia, where we are crashing for the night. We left Orlando early this morning and spent the day in St. Augustine. Much fun was had, at the expense of our feet as usual, and I will relay all of the details at a later date. But for the purpose of this post, I want to talk about the place we ate lunch.

Sarbez.

I may have planned the entire day around this place because hello: a grilled cheese arcade with tons of dive bar aesthetic? Oh yeah, I will make my travel companions go out of their way for this experience.

“Is this it?” Henry the Stoop asked. No, it’s the grilled cheese arcade across the street, Henry.

God.

First of all, THE CHOICES. I almost made a custom g.cheese but then I saw the VEGAN GRILLER which has TEMPEH and I am an avid tempeh eater. Sometimes I like to cut some up and mix it into my morning scrambled eggs. I’m getting very fancy in the kitchen these days.

Chooch got the Hashton Kutcher, sans sausage, and I don’t know what Henry the Meathead got. Who cares.

Wishing I had purchased a chocolate tape for five dollaz.

Alas.

We were assisted at the bar by a really awesome guy named DALE who held our hands through the ordering process. Then he noticed Henry’s VelociCoaster hat and asked, “Were you guys at Universal?” and then we started gushing together over the perfection that is VELOCICOASTER and how it is quite possibly the best in the world and I was like, “FRONT ROW AT NIGHT” and he was like “OH MAN I DIDN’T GET TO RIDE IT AT NIGHT” but at least he lives in the same state as Universal and can hopefully return soon for a night ride.

I legit cannot stop thinking about it.

We also got a pickle dog to share and it was SO GOOD. A pickle deepfried in cheese, on a bun, with some type of amazing sauce. Yeah BOY-O.

Hallelujah! Cheesus has risen.

(Vegan Cheesus, that is.)

Not sure what type of vegan cheese they use there but it was delicious and had a decent melt to it.

The bathroom was playing Elvis which normally would have been MEH but in this case, it really added to the ambiance.

(Hold on. I’m remembering my sandwich and missing it.)

SING IT SISTER.

Part of the arcade was decorated with a VHS tape wall and it made me laugh because I have tons of these, similarly-labeled, in our dumpster of an attic. I was SUPER into renting movies when I was in high school and then copying them using my fancy-pants dual tape VCR. I miss renting movies from Blockbuster, Hollywood, and our local supermarket’s Iggle Video section, but I *really* miss all of the independent places that were super small with porn in the back. :(

Henry knows all about those types of places. The one I remember the most (aside from Incredibly Strange Video which was my SPOT) was this place in Baldwin called Firehouse Videos. I used to rent horror movies there to watch in my basement with dumb Psycho Mike after eating next door at HOME COOKIN’ where my fave waitress used to make me incredible grilled blueberry muffins, which I would also eat with a side of cole slaw and everyone there was convinced I was pregnant.

Holy shit, thank god that psychopath never actually got me pregnant!!

Back to Sarbez and all of its glorious mirror selfie opportunities.

Henry Wah Wah I Lost My Ball had to call DALE over to help him and Dale was like, “Your ball’s right there, dude” and I wanted to die because Henry is so embarrassing everywhere we go.

Chooch made me play Pong with him and I proceeded to win 7-0 BUT!! I think that I actually wasn’t playing and that it was the computer, because at first I thought I was controlling it but then there were several times when it felt weird so…

Don’t tell Chooch.

He mumbled, “I hate you. I hate this game,” and stalked off to play something else lol.

What a great effing experience. I mean, it made my stomach hurt bigly because I just can’t eat heavy stuff anymore, but it was worth it even though we proceeded to spend the next 2 hours in the car driving to Savannah and bickering, ugh.

Oh well. More travel lies ahead so I guess I should say goodbye and goodnight.

In today’s non-episode, we will be discussing our choice to drive three hours for a vegan lunch. Was it worth it? Do we regret it? Is the hype real? Will I continue to follow this establishment on Instagram? Am I considering moving to Columbus?

YES NO YES YES IF I  MOVE ANYWHERE IT WILL BE KOREA, SO.

That’s it! That’s the whole post! Questions answered!

Sikeeeee. I do have some words. First of all, the aesthetic was just my style: horror movie posters on the wall and 1980s goth lethargically wafting from the ceiling. I mean, bitch please. The only way this could have any more ERIN would have been if they had a Kpop section in the back or something with vegan Kpopcorn chicken as the premier menu item.

Oh! Here comes Henry, in all of his ACHING BONES glory. He just groaned because I’m writing in my blog (and also, bad joints). Apparently, I am intolerable to be around when I’m writing in my blog. I just suggested that we co-write this together since he also ate at Seitan’s Realm and surely can eke out a few coherent words?

He just said no.

The seating area of Seitan’s Realm is very small – three booths on either side of the wall, and stools at the front windows. Luckily, a booth had just opened up while we were ordering so we didn’t have to go and sit in the car and pathetically wait to be called back in like when we tried to eat at that punk ass bitch G&G’s joint last weekend.

As I was sitting down, I happened to look over to the right and screamed because THERE WAS A PICTURE OF ROBERT SMITH AND HIS WIFE MARY above our booth! It’s almost like we reserved that specific booth! Could this place BE any more Erin Rachelle Kelly-approved??

Oh wait, yes it can, and yes it was. Because THE FOOD. I know, literally the whole reason we were there. It was 100% worth the nearly 3 hour drive from Pittsburgh. I got the Dude Ranch because if there is fake chicken on a vegan menu, I’mma opt for that mothercluckin’ piece, OK. I guess first I should tell you that none of the meat alternatives in this establishment were any of the big “brands” (think Beyond, Impossible, etc). True to their name, everything was housemade with seitan. Which I still don’t quite understand, never question, but I can tell you that I really love it.

My chicken was JOOOOOOOSEY, son. And it had some bangin’ faux bacon up in it, cheeseless chedduh, and the creamiest sauce. Oh AND IT WAS ON A GOOD GODDAMN PRETZEL BUN.

This sandwich was massive and sloppy; it totally required the hep of utensils – I mean, maybe you could have handled it but I scream when I make food messes and every time I tried to lift this big boy out of the basket, I seized up with anxiety.

Henry got a Beef n’ Chedduh sandwich which was loaded with sliced “roast beef” and VELVETY fake melted cheese on an onion bun. He let me try it but I have to tell you, I was so fucking married to my DUDE RANCH that I can barely even remember what his tasted like.

We also shared a side of mac n’ cheese and bro, holy shit. You could not tell. Henry is a manly meat man and even he was like I COULD NOT EVEN TELL. He did say that he could tell his mock roast beef wasn’t real, but I mean did it taste good? Yes, he said. Yes it surely did. Yee haw.

“I liked everything I ate, so it’s a good review I guess.” – literally the best Henry could come up with, I hate him so much.

We brought a chicken sandwich with mac n’ cheese home for Chooch, Henry splurged and got himself a burger to try later, and we split a piece of German chocolate cake in the car on the way home later that afternoon. It was delicious. I wish I had another slice to eat right now. :(

Even Chooch, who does not show any excitement or even a sign of life most of the time these days, was semi-enthusiastic later that night when Henry heated up his sandwich and put it back together for him. “This was REALLY GOOD but now I wish I had gotten the spicy one. Why does this place have to be so far away?”

I KNOW, WHYYYY?? I was literally so sad while eating my lunch there because I couldn’t stop thinking about how I can’t spend the next several weeks eating my way through their menu and I can’t just zip right over there and slurp up whatever insane special they come up with.

If you’re a vegan or vegetarian, Pittsburgh isn’t the WORST place to live, but we really don’t have any of these wild fast food vegan options like other cities do and it’s sad but also maybe good because I would probably need to size up and I kind of like the size I am now, but I also REALLY LIKE THOSE JOOOOOOSEY FAUX CHICKEN SANDWICHES.

(I almost called it a sando which is what the obnoxious Oak Hill Post restaurant up the street from me calls their sandwiches and I hate it so much. Actually, I hate all of their whatever-we-call-hipsters-now vernacular so much that I actually stopped eating there lol I AM LIKE THAT.)

I used to be really into going to major FOODIE type of restaurants, but lately I’m looking for something a bit more down to earth than sitting in a candlelit room with yuppies, having the essence of hickory and truffles elegantly farted into my face by a haunted accordion. I mean, that shit is cool for a second but sometimes I just really want to eat comfort food in some small town dive with the local yokels, you know what I’m saying?

I guess this is our current version of “going out on dates” since Chooch has ditched us for That McDonald’s Life. Not gonna lie, it’s been nice to get out of the house and neither of us are opposed to driving out of Pittsburgh so it’s been nice to see non-Brookline sights. Even rural shit, I guess.

For this weekend’s diner date, I let Henry choose. As usual, he chose poorly. It was some place called G&G’s or something else equally auto body-sounding. It was in VANDERGRIFT, whatever that means, and at first I was like, “OK G&G’s, I see you. Let’s goooo” because it was situated squat in the middle of an adorable small-town street (actually, it was on the corner) and it looked cute! Not all like tires were getting rotated in the back!

Except that it was PACKED and not regular-PACKED, but TIGHTLY-PACKED. So as soon as we walked in and put our name and number on the list, I felt panicky. I mean, I’m getting less OMG about eating in restaurants during The Bad Times, but I’m not OK with crowds still. And I really didn’t want to sit in the middle of so many small-town mouth breathers just for the sake of a grilled cheese that, let’s be real, would be devoured within 4 bites.

Since the host had my number, we went back to sit in the car. There was nowhere to stand in the little foyer without jutting your buns into the face of diner.

We had only been waiting in the car for about 10 minutes before I started getting RULL antsy and “don’t they know who we are”‘ish, so Henry was like, “OMG fine let’s find somewhere else to go, fuck me for trying to choose a place without your consent.”

THAT’S RIGHT, BITCH.

I ended up finding a place through my nemesis Yelp that was allegedly “9 minutes” away. At first I was like, “I’m not sure about this place, it has taxidermy” which is obviously completely off-brand for me. But at the same time, it was the kind of DARK LOG CABIN vibe I was yearning for and just didn’t know it.

On the way there, that fucking G&G motherfucker had the audacity to call me to tell me our table was ready. Cool fucking story! I was mad that they called and not texted (you know, with their restaurant landline) so I refused to answer out of principal. They called right back! Jesus, why are you sweatin’ me, G&G?? Get a life!

Anyway, we rolled up to BONFIRE and I was like, “OK, this is nothing to look at from the outside” and then immediately upon entering, we were cock-slapped in the face by a wall of stale cigarette stench because the steps to the basement LOUNGE was right next to the entrance. I was tempted to go down there and check in on the sad sacks crying into their beers, but there’s always next time.

The front room was empty aside from a table of OLD MEN REGULARS who told us to just go ahead and sit down. I had lowkey Blue Flame-circa-1984 vibes,  to be honest, and even though I still was MEH about the DEER HEADS everywhere, I was really feeling like this was the place that I was meant to me, fuck you G&G. (And you too Henry for suggesting that dump.)

Henry immediately headed straight for the bathroom while I chose the one booth that was situated right next to a beam on one side – Henry’s side, lol.

The waitress came to get our drink orders and she was so adorable in a cowgirl flannel and Princess Leia buns. She said she loved my sweater and I sang, “I THINK I’M GONNA LIKE IT HERE” in my best Annie impersonation while Daddy Warbucks was pissing in the john.

“How was the bathroom?? Was it cool??” I cried after Henry returned and finally managed to get situated in the booth without having to slice off part of his gut first. (And yes, I was a good orphan and ordered a stupid unsweetened ice tea for him in his absence.)

“Not really, it was just a regular bathroom,” he said. “Nothing special.”

“OK well I’m taking my phone anyway just in case,” I cried as I rolled out of the booth toward the restrooms. Henry never thinks anything is special so I’d be the judge of that.

It was OK! Kept up the dead animal theme.

Back in the LODGE, Henry ordered cole slaw and something called Texas Toenails or something from the appetizer section of the menu – he was really flexing that Faygo salary. Meanwhile, someone sitting at the Old Man table had a ringtone that sounded like the horn of one of those mini-big rigs that the SHRINER’S drive down my road during the Memorial Day Parade.

Hold please, while I find an example.

LOL I just caught Henry looking all around for the sound.

Every time that notification went off, I pictured one of the old guys paying the check and then peeling out of the Bonfire lot in his bitchin’ Shriner mini-car, honk-honk motherfuckers. Why was this so stupidly funny to me??

I finished the word search in like 5 minutes or less because I am actually a prodigy at word searches in case you never read about me in the local Pennysaver or whatever. Also, Henry thought our server’s name was Audible and definitely not Autumn.

Dude, this grilled cheese was just what I needed. And I stole some of Henry’s fries which were JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT. Yeah, I could handle the whole HUNTER’S LODGE vibe a lot better if all the dead animals were fake. I felt like a hypocrite gushing over how JUST MY STYLE that place is! But it’s true! I love dark/dim restaurants. Sigh.

Meanwhile, there was a steady stream of old country classics playing, as expected. I don’t like country at all but if I’m going to be stuck somewhere enduring it, I would definitely prefer the stuff from the 70s and early 80s, like Kenny Rogers or Dolly Parton shit you know? So I wasn’t mouthing off about the Bonfire soundtrack at all. However, at one point, this one song came on that made me straight up drop my grilled cheese.

“OMG I HAVEN’T HEARD THIS SONG SINCE I WAS LITTLE AND IT’S BRINGING BACK HIDDEN MEMORIES, MAYBE OF MY BIO-DAD???” I hissed across the table because god forbid any of the deer heads heard me baring my soul. There was literally no one else around us but them. :(

It was that I WOULDN’T HAVE MISSED IT FOR THE WORLD jam and I was like on the verge of spurting out tears.

Henry couldn’t remember who sang it, and I’m certain I probably new knew, so a quick Shazaam learned him  that it was Ronnie Milsap.

“Oh, I never would have guessed that,” I scoffed. “I don’t even know who he is, just his name.”

“RONNIE MILSAP?!” Henry repeated, like OK I already said I know the name, just not really who he is but cook on with your irritating reiterations, Chef Dick. And then, “THE BLIND COUNTRY SINGER!!!??”

The way he said this, totally blurted it out across the table in this serious, frenzied way like he was the friend I phoned and he was telling me the winning answer.

We locked eyes for a moment just as the SHRINER NOTIFICATION went off 4 times in succession at the Elder Table and I just lost it, mid-chew, about to spit out a glob of grilled cheese cud onto Henry’s glasses. It was the most hilarious 3 seconds I’ve experienced in quite some time, Henry’s dire Milsap description followed by clown horns. I was choking at that point, tears streaming down my scrunched up fat face, and even Henry started laughing but I don’t think he knew why.

OMG I will never forget RONNIE MILSAP ever again except for when I started to write this portion of the blog post and had to google “Who sings….” because I totally forgot.

THE BLIND COUNTRY SINGER.

JOHN WAYNE SHIT.

SAW SHIT.

OK somehow I ended up feasting on coconut (WHY DO I ALWAYS TYPE COCOCUNT AT FIRST???) cream pie three weekends in a row, and I have no regertz. This one was so good and totally my style!! I knew as soon as AUDIBLE was walking over playing a sample of THE LAST BUCKAROO* with my slice of pie in her hand, that this was going to be a winner. For starters, it had WHIPPED TOPPING. And the actual coconut cream was fresh and homemade-tasting and not snot-textured and vanilla pudding-y which is my least favorite kind and sadly the kind that Janna and I had two weeks ago at that other place I was obsessed with but already forgot the name of.

*(I literally just googled “What are names of classic western books” lol)

This is where all the CIG STENCH was emanating from.

Oh shit, I should have checked the menu to see if they have SHIRLEY TEMPLES because this totally seemed like the type of establishment that would.

Anyway, I am smitten with this place. I want to go back soon-ish and check out the BACK ROOM which seems to overlook A GORGE. Or maybe just a slight hill.

I might have my birthday dinner here so stay tuned for an invitation. The Watering Hole area would probably be a great place for an AFTER PARTY. If I send you an invitation, you better show up and say I WOULDN’T HAVE MISSED IT FOR THE WORLD.

First round of Shirley Temples on Chooch!

OK Brenda listen up. You know how we’re always sniffing out vegan eateries in whatever town the coasters are luring us to? Well, um…I might have chosen Six Flags Over Georgia PURPOSELY based on its close proximity to SLUTTY VEGAN. Henry alerted me to the existence of this BEAST of a vegan establishment several months ago and I have been obsessing ever since.

They have several locations around Atlanta, but from the YouTube videos I’ve watched, it looks like people line up clear around the block for this joint – one of the vegan YouTubers I watch actually stood in line for 5 hours outside in the winter when Slutty Vegan’s food truck travelled to NYC, and she still said it was WORTH THE HYPE. Also, whatever bacon they use appears to be the benchmark for all vegan bacon because I’m always hearing people comparing vegan bacon to Slutty Vegan’s bacon.

Also, it’s owned by a Black woman and this makes it even more appealing to me because you know how I love to support places like this!

Anyway, after leaving Six Flags Saturday night, Henry was like, “OK, let’s just go there and see if it’s a mess and then we’ll go from there.” I was literally having quiet, contained anxiety attacks about this because I wanted to shove slutty meatless delights into my whore mouth but I also didn’t want to endure crowds of people. LUCKILY, whichever location Henry chose was not the popular one because there was only one other person there!

It was a really small, walk-up location. I’m actually not even sure if you can dine-in at the main location now that I think about it, even though it does seem like it’s a much bigger place.

Right away, it felt like a party. The music was blasting even outside so as we walked down the sidewalk from our car, the vibe was RIGHT. Then we were greeted by the friendliest lady at the ordering counter; she was just BEAMING charisma, I fucking swear to god. There is nothing better and more comforting than going somewhere for the first time and having an employee essentially hold your hand and walk you through the process, which is exactly what she did and I really, really, really wish I had the forethought to check out her name because I would have loved to give her props when I wrote my Google review!

She explained the menu to us, told us what the most popular items were, what her personal favorite beverage is, what types of sauces they had on hand…it was like VIP treatment. The reason I’m really stressing this part of the experience is because it’s not uncommon to get treated like shit at trendy, hipster-run vegan restaurants. It’s almost like they know we’re FRAUDS when we walk in: you have Carnivore Henry, Vegetarian Chooch, and 50/50 Vegan/Vegetarian me.

I eat eggs still, OK?? And honey! SORRY.

But according to the owner, Pinky Cole (who is AN INSPIRATION, let me tell you), the majority of their customers are actually meat-eaters and that is actually amazing because this means that’s at least one meatless meal that these people are eating and it also means that this place is dispelling the myth that vegan food = rabbit food, and that maybe it’s delicious enough to get them to at least CUT BACK on their meat consumption. And that is actually so wonderful to think about.

So maybe this place is super gimmicky, but it gets people through the doors. And then it’s the quality of the food that gets them coming back. Because I am here right now telling you that this was the best vegan “fast food” I have ever had and I am WHIPPED for it. Literally have not been able to stop thinking about it since we left Georgia last weekend.

Oh! And when it was learned that we were n00bs to Slutty Vegan, our counter friend called back into the kitchen that there were VIRGINS in the house and everyone started cheering and banging on the counters. IT WAS SO EXCITING!!! My other favorite part though was hearing Chooch casually order a Fussy Hussy with no tomatoes. And Henry opted to upgrade his One Night Stand to a Menage a Trois, which added the legendary BACON and also FRIED SHRIMP!!! to the mix. I was really excited that he did this because I originally wanted to get the HEAUX BOY but it wasn’t available that day so I opted for the Chik’n Head instead. It is really hard for me to pass up vegan chicken sandwiches. I wasn’t much of a burger-eater in my past meat-eating days, but I could definitely kill a chicken sandwich. In fact, that and the McFish are the only things I ever really got at McDonald’s but that feels like an actual lifetime ago.

(I can still vividly remember the special chicken parm sandwich from Burger King though, OMFG I loved that shit as a kid!! It also felt like such a “grown up” thing to eat for some reason lol.)

Anyway, once our order was ready, we were floated out the door on a ribbon of hilarious and exuberant SLUT chants from the Slutty Vegan staff. It was one of the best send-offs of my life, not gonna lie, fam.

Then we had to endure the 10 minute drive back to the hotel which was EXCRUCIATING with a bagful of tempting, tongue-curling smells as the fourth passenger.

These pictures are shit but look, Linda – I was tryna EAT the damn food not fluff it for Glamour Shots. I dunno what that sauce was on my chik’n sandwich but I’d like to marinate all of my foods in it starting yesterday. Henry and I always get different things so we can share but I really didn’t want to give him half of this, ughhhhh.

(LOL it was Buffalo sauce – I just looked it up. As a vegetarian, I haven’t really had many opportunities to eat food saturated in Buffalo sauce so I’m not sure that’s a taste I would have recognized.)

(FOR INSTANCE: I HAVE NEVER HAD BUFFALO CHICKEN DIP!)

You can see the shrimp and bacon sorta. I should have taken headshots of that fucking shrimp because it was INSANITY. Maybe it didn’t taste SO MUCH like the real thing that it would fool a meathead, but it was pretty fucking close. The  texture was scary-realistic and the taste was half-past shrimp adjacent, more toward shrimp shadow. Like, it was REALLY CLOSE to passing, you guys. I am obsessed with it. There are some faux shrimp products on the market that we have tried and nothing has come close until Slutty Vegan. When can I go back.

And that bacon? Yeah, I get it now. I’m officially IN THE KNOW. That was some delectable fake bacon, Wendell.

And Chooch actually didn’t even want to go there once he saw the pictures because he “wasn’t that hungry” and “wouldn’t be able to eat all of that” and yet…and yet.

Bitch inhaled that burger before Henry even sat down and unwrapped his.

But yeah, that burger. Ouch, my gut, but give me more. They use the Impossible Burger but they add their own spices and secrets to it and whatever happens after that is pure animal-friendly magic. SLUT SAUCE FTW.

I hardly ever write actual online reviews but then I heard that BLUE LIVES MATTER fucker-bitches were flooding Slutty Vegan with negative reviews when Pinky made the choice to stop giving discounts to the Georgia police during the aftermath of the George Floyd murder, in solidarity with Black Lives Matter protests, I definitely felt compelled to add my five-stars.

I salivated for mths while watching so many YouTube videos about this place. Finally came to Atlanta from Pittsburgh and was determined to wrap my mouth around one of these slutty creations. I can now say with confidence that Slutty Vegan is worth the hype! Even my carnivorous partner was doing the Homer Simpson moan while devouring his Ménage a Trois! (That shrimp! The texture! The flavor! HOW?!) I got the Chik’n Head and, four days later, am still having vivid, possibly explicit daydreams about it.

The vibe of Slutty Vegan really elevated the experience – it felt like walking into the friendliest, most inclusive party, and when the person at the ordering counter found out we were VIRGINS, she happily navigated us through the menu and made helpful suggestions. I wish I had gotten her name because she was SO GREAT!

I have eaten at some vegan places where everyone acted like they were 2 cool 4 skool and it really took away from the experience but that was not the case with Slutty Vegan. I’m obsessed. This was the best, most indulgent vegan food I’ve ever had and I’m so sad that I’m back in Pittsburgh, hundreds of miles away from my new crush, Slutty Vegan. :(

Oh man, get me back to Georgia STAT. I need to eat my way through this menu! I want Pinky Cole’s autograph. What a gem.

Lol ok it wasn’t quite truly outrageous but it was really nice, nonetheless. I’m just Erin, not Jem, after all.

It is rare that I am in good spirits for an entire weekend without any mood dips or irrational thoughts or, I don’t know, the seam of my sock setting me off. But this was one of those rare weekends where not even Henry’s breathing was getting on my nerves. What the actual fuck, amirite?

Let’s start with Saturday. I was still jonesing for pumpkin ANYTHING after building that pumpkin patch on Thursday; you’d think handling all those pumpkins and getting scratched and scraped by their stems would have completely turned me off but no. I needed sweet pumpkin SOMETHING in my mouth. I saw on Instagram that Valkyrie Donuts had vegan pumpkin pies on hand so I sent Henry on over to Bellevue to procure a pumpkin pie for his princess.

It looked so good! And it was OK! I really liked the texture. But it didn’t have me turning cartwheels in the pumpkin patch of my mind, if you know what I mean. I think also that I’m just very hard to impress in these older years.

Then while Henry was PRIMING THE FRAME FOR MY SEOUL SUBWAY SIGN*, I finished watching Midnight Mass. Oh man, that gets a big HELL NO from me. I’m sorry if it’s your current netflix fave, but the writing, the monologues, and oh FOR FUCK’S SAKE THE ACTING, was excruciating. I really have enjoyed other shows by Mike Flanagan in the past so I was extremely surprised by the amount of ire this series drew up from the depths of my soul. Every fucking time there was a scene with, coincidentally, Erin & Riley, I was snoozin’. The convo they had about death? The way Riley was looking at Erin with that fucking creepy puppy-eyed love-drunk visage? Oh god, no just fuck off.

The only things I liked were Bev – I mean, obviously I hated her character, which was the whole point, but that role was played to perfection. And nothing exciting or even the least bit interesting happened until the penultimate episode, at which point shit hit the fan and I was like, “OK, Mike Flanagan, let’s gooooo” but that wasn’t enough to redeem the series. There is no excuse for the 5 episodes leading up to that, being so dreadful.

Oh, and the Sheriff. Loved him.

Chooch worked from 1:00 to 8:45 both days over the weekend, so Henry was like, “Fine. I will take you to a haunted house since you have no friends” and I was like, “Wow, thanks.” It was weird though! When was the last time Henry and I went to a haunted house, just the two of us, like it was a date?! I mean, I could check my haunted house journals but you don’t care and to be honest, I don’t either, IT WAS RHETORICAL.

Duh.

I even had a GOING ON A DATE TO THE HAUNTED HOUSE ensemble picked out! I will have an entire post with the dumb photoshoot I did to promote this shirt, but for now, here we are, lol.

We went to Scare Manor, which is set up in a field behind an actually haunted building called Hill View Manor. It’s been featured on just about every popular ghost hunting TV show in existence. You could buy a combo ticket to tour the actual manor as well, but we opted to just do the haunt since the manor is open most of the year for tours.

I won’t get into the nitty gritty because I save that for the haunted house journal, don’t you know, but this place charmed my face off. Henry and I were the first people to go through and they sent just the two of us, which always makes this shit better. But this place was OLD SCHOOL. The scare actors were so into it and the set designs reminded me so much of all the haunted houses I loved when I was in high school in the 90s, back when there were so many little charity ones all over and they were cheap enough and close enough that you could go to two or three in one night and wake up  the next morning with NO VOICE from all the hysterical shrieking.

This one tickled me so much that I felt inspired to go back inside the waiting area to let the people at the ticket table know that we loved it.

“Would you be willing to film a testimonial?” the ticket lady asked and I was like, “HO HO HO no.” But then she was like, “IT WILL BE FINE, JUST A QUICK ONE” and I was like, “Um….” because I hate saying no so I was like, “OK haha, fine” and she was like, “Yay let me just call the lady who does that” and then that lady appeared (Lisa I think was her name) and she was like “COOL GREAT I’M JUST GOING TO HAVE YOU STAND OVER HERE” and she made this big production of turning down the lights and putting her flashlight on her phone to illuminate us and now every single person waiting for a tour had turned around to watch, like, “the fuck is happening over there” and Henry muttered, “Thanks a lot, Erin” and I was like, “I will just let you do all the talking since I suck at this” but then Lisa started recording and suddenly PRIME TIME ERIN came out and I was super into it.

I mean, in my head I was. I have no idea how this video turned out because it’s now Monday and nowhere to be seen.

Then we came home and later that night I told Chooch to wash the dishes and he said, “I worked all day” so that was cool. I’m surprised it took him nearly a full week of working to drop that line on me.

The next day, Henry and I went to Many More, an Asian market in the Strip. I needed some more Korean popsicles for the G-Dragon popsicle art I’m making and Henry needed to buy boring stuff like produce. They had a new-to-us KitKat flavor though and I think it’s my new favorite?

It’s like wheat cracker or something? And the chocolate part is like this delicious and mild golden coating and I am so sad that  this isn’t a standard flavor.

Then I found out that there isn’t just one new baby Buddy, there are two! Here’s one chilling with Girl Buddy (aka Mom Buddy) while the other babe was noshing on our windowsill. Before I took this picture, Henry and I had just come from Giant Eagle and I saw Girl Buddy foraging in our front yard, near the street. I knew that they were out of peanuts but we had just bought more at the grocery store, so I crossed the street and said, “Buddy! Come with me! I have peanuts!” and she fucking FOLLOWED ME DOWN THE SIDEWALK TO THE PORCH, where she then skittered around my feet impatiently while I opened the bag of peanuts.

I felt like this was truly Next Level squirrelling. My dream is for them to eventually sit in my lap where I can pet them while they eat their peanuts.

Let’s see, what else. Oh! Henry and I started season three of IN THE DARK Friday night so we watched some of that off and on over the weekend. I can’t even tell you how happy I am to have this show back on my TV! It was such a sleeper hit for me when I accidentally started watching it on Netflix last year. I  got my friend Megan (aka my Logging Partner), to also watch it and she too was like, “DID YOU SEE SEASON THREE IS COMING!?” Guys, this show is so good. I mean, it’s outrageous (like me and Jem) but so fucking good and dark and funny and suspenseful and the CHARACTERS!!! Felix forever!!!

Henry took me to another new-to-us haunt later that night! Thank god we actually like each other or else we’d be fucked now that the Child Buffer has been removed. I know it’s only been a week and I’m not saying that I’m happy to have Chooch out of the house with a job or anything like that, believe me, but I’m also KIND OF excited at the idea of like, doing couple things again. I mean, not that we didn’t go out without Chooch in the last 15 years, of course we went to concerts and things like that, but it just feels different now? Kind of cute? Also scary because at the end of the day it only means we’re getting old? Lol. Ugh, just be happy, Erin. Enjoy it, Erin. Don’t cloud it with negativity, Erin.

Anyway, in that picture up there, you can see the WORLD’S TALLEST SMOKESTACK, located in Homer City. We were driving through farmland and as we came up over a crest in the road, that fucking thing became visible and I started screaming, “AHHH WHAT IS THAT??” I took this picture when we were further away so it’s not as scary but I literally felt like I was dumped into a 1950s sci-fi movie for a second.

Anyway, we went to Scary Harry’s which is a little over an hour away in Homer City, whatever that means. I have always seen this one come up in haunt listings but for some reason, we have never gone. I had it on the list for this season because I was looking specifically for haunts that are open on Thursdays and Sundays because those are preferable nights since the crowds are low. A lot of haunts cut back their hours to just Fridays and Saturdays this year, presumably because of the pandemic/being short on people. But Scary Harry’s is open on Sundays so this is the one I chose. Plus, $15!! I swear, that’s actually a really good deal in the haunted house world.

We listened to Alexisonfire the whole way there because I have been on this Riot Fest nostalgia kick lately even though Riot Fest turned dumb so we no longer go. But the three times we did attend were a lot of fun (well, mostly for me) and I will never forget the way I felt when I saw Alexisonfire perform there. I also associate them with fall too so it seemed like the perfect musical accompaniment for an hour-long ride in drizzling rain and chilly temps.

Waiting in the rain!

It thankfully stopped raining by the time the place opened and for the second night in a row, we were the first ones in! Again, I’ll save the play-by-play for the journal but this one exceeding expectations, too! I thought it was just going to be some dinky haunted trail but it was so much more than that and I will say that I can’t really think of another haunt that used audio as a scare device as effectively and in an array of different scenarios as well as Scary Harry’s. I mean, there were times when a sound scared me more than the live scare actors, and there was also a certain area in the “saloon” that had me panicking and screaming, “HENRY WHERE ARE YOU OMG I HATE THIS HELP” lol. It was SO GOOD. We even bonded a little bit with the other much younger couple (from Punxsutawney!) who got stuck going through with us, and we had a nice chat with the parking lot worker afterward because when a haunt is actually good, I love to tell someone who works there because I would want to hear good feedback too if I was affiliated with a haunted house! This is always the time when real, authentic Erin comes out and is suddenly a functioning member of society who can use her words without stuttering or being awkward. Man, I missed that Erin. Wish she’d stick around full-time!

What a delightful weekend, honestly.