It hasn’t been a full week yet. It is ok that I’m not ok. I keep telling myself this but then I go back to wailing I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU IM SORRY every time I’m alone.

Yesterday was truly bad. I spent most of the morning drowning in hopelessness and feeling like I couldn’t go on. None of the pet grief hotlines are real – busy signals, voice mails, complete wrong numbers. So I looked up general grief hotlines and started texting with someone from one of them. I didn’t help.

But then I called my friend Lisa and we talked for an hour. She is a hospice chaplain and has walked me through the grief process of my Pappap all the way up to Marcy. I should have called her so much earlier because she helped me calm me a little even though much of the beginning of the conversation was me slurring incoherently around uncontrollable sobs.

Lisa said that what she is hearing is that on top of grieving my best friend, I am also grieving the fact that my son is leaving for college. I told her that after this happened, I only feel emotionally stable when Chooch is down here with me during the day. If he goes back to his room, I cry. If he runs to Dunkin, I cry.

It’s compounded grief. Why is this happening. I was taking solace in the fact that Bambi would be here with me when Chooch goes to college and now she’s not here and yes I have Penelope but she is very much the opposite of Drew and doesn’t come around much during the day so I am going to be so alone as I work from home every day.

My favorite tattooist – Erin from Kyklops – messaged me and said I don’t have to wait for her fall bookings to open, she is ready when I am. I know memorializing her on me will be cathartic and I want to get that done ASAP. I am scrambling to grab onto anything that will stabilize me but it feels like I’m paddling through quicksand.

Lisa also made me feel that my emotions are valid and that I shouldn’t feel this distressed over “just a cat” because she truly was so much more than that and the trauma around watching her die in front of me and not being able to stop it after I had always said I would never let anything happen to her, it’s so much. I can’t handle it. This grief is actually making me feel like my heart is going to just stop.

Henry called the vet yesterday, the one I took her to last week, and as soon as he said “Drew” he said that the person he was talking to said, “oh, Bambi” and that made me break down all over again. Anyway, he told them that I’m having a hard time and they gave him some resources for me, one being a pet grief support group that happens to be meeting tomorrow night so I’m going to go to that. I need help. I need so much help.

We went to the Asian market today to get some stuff for Chooch’s graduation party and as we were walking thru the parking lot, an older white lady was like HELLO! as she got out of her car and I was like do we know this lady. No, we didn’t but she was just one of those people who likes to talk to everyone so I ended up walking with her and she was like “I love this place so much, I get so many interesting things here!” and then she asked Chooch if he likes to cook Chinese food and he goes “no but my dad makes Korean food” and she screamed KOREAN!!! through the parking lot and I was like Jesus Christ lady. So she asked me how he got into making Korean food and I gave her the condensed version, ending with us getting married in Korea and she was like Omg congratulations and you know what, I almost started to tell her about Drew because I am so desperate for human connection right now, anyone to listen and empathize, and she seemed like a great candidate but then I was like Erin stop, this lady came here to buy peanut oil (which Henry had to help her choose), she is not here to be your suicide hotline.

I can’t imagine doing anything I used to love to do now that Drew’s not here. I had to ask Henry to change the notification on his phone because I used to mockingly reenact it for her every time it would sound off. I had to ask him to change the song that Alexa would play when I ask for her to turn on the living room light because I used to sing that to her too.

I can’t watch travel vlogs. I can’t watch kpop content. Everything is dead to me. I have had on Sky News all day because there is nothing else that I can stand to have on in the background. Just give me bland British news.

Sorry to sound like a 5-year-old but WHY?! I don’t understand how this happened!!! Why was she taken away from me??

I am looking through my blog for pictures to use for Chooch’s graduation party and of course I keep stumbling upon Drew memories. Most are making me burst into tears to the point of nausea (I tried texting a crisis hotline this morning – it did not help).

But this one made me almost laugh. I miss her so much, my little USP. From November 2018:

**********************

You guys know how Chooch and I fight over everythang right? From semantics to the hue of the sky to Yanny or Laurel, we will bicker until Henry has to threaten to take away our privileges. I guess that’s what happens when you’re basically the same person. (This is why I can’t be friends with people who are too much like me!)

(Also, can you imagine if Chooch was also a Leo?!)

We even fight over cats, as in, whose cat is better/prettier/smarter/cuter/less smellier.

Last night, everything was pretty quiet. Chooch and I were coexisting peacefully, watching theme park YouTube videos, when I looked at Penelope who was sitting on her tower like a perfectly furry loaf.

“Penelope is so cute, she could be a Disney character!” I cooed. “Penelope, you could be Snow White’s kitty!”

Chooch fake-gagged on his water. “YEAH RIGHT, she’s more like Hunchback of Notre Dame!” And then he kept calling her Quasimodo (after he googled the name because HE WAS TOO DUMB TO KNOW.)

(YEAH I CALLED MY KID DUMB AND I’LL CALL YOU DUMB TOO SO GO AHEAD, REPORT ME.)

So in retaliation I looked at HIS CAT DREW and in my effort to come up with a better burn, I blurted out, “Yeah well Drew could be Ursula’s….SHOULDER PAD!”

Chooch gaped at me. “WTF?” he cried. “That doesn’t even make sense!”

“YES IT DOES!” I was now on my knees, laughing so hard that my eyes were birthing pure drops of comedy rain, picturing Drew perched on Ursula’s shoulders, a natural extension of her oceanic hideousness.

Chooch continued to scoff at me so I ran upstairs and woke up Henry so I could tell him my sick burn.

He too just stared at me. “You’re so dumb,” he murmured. But he just wasn’t awake enough to fully grasp the perfection of this insult, the smartly crafted nuances of my name-calling.

I came back downstairs and continuously called Drew “Ursula’s Shoulder Pad” until Chooch eventually blocked me out. Later, I laughed myself to sleep.

********

This morning, Chooch was still dwelling on it. “And Ursula doesn’t even wear a shirt that would have shoulder pads,” he argued, desperately grasping for straws but MAMA OWNS THIS SODA SHOP OF SICK BURNS, BOY. NO STRAWS FOR YOU.

On my lunch break, I was on the phone with Henry as usual. He’s like obsessed with me and makes me check in with him every afternoon. (Lolz.) He had just gotten home from work and was starting to say something about Drew.

“Ursula’s Shoulder Pad,” I corrected him and he flipped out about how dumb it is. So triggered!!

“Do you think it’s just as good or better as when I used to call Speck [RIP] ‘Breakfast Nook’?” I brayed which is how I talk when I’ve reached Critical Giddiness.

“THAT WAS JUST AS STUPID,” Henry barked. Wow, Henry’s got no jams.

I kept randomly thinking about this all day and I’d have to stifle my snort-laughs at my desk. Finally, I went over to tell Glenn and Todd. Todd stopped listening as soon as I said “cats” because he hates cats. But Glenn heard me out.

“That’s…really stupid,” he said, BUT HE WAS TRYING NOT TO SMILE. “It doesn’t even make sense. Why….?”

By the time I told Lauren, I was Bobcat Goldthwaiting all up in her space but she thoughtfully considered it and said, “No, you know what? It is funny. I don’t really know why, but it is. I’m on your side!”

YESSSSSSSS. I couldn’t wait to tell Henry.

“No, it’s still dumb, and Lauren is dumb too for encouraging you,” he sighed when I told him after work.

Just a few minutes ago, I was dancing to the Ursula’s Shoulder Pad jingle which I made up on the fly. “I really think this is the funniest thing I’ve ever said,” I said while sliding around in my socks. “I’ll never be this funny again!”

“It’s literally the dumbest thing you’ve ever said, so….” Henry sighed.

TOUGH FUCKING CROWD.

But seriously, look at those arm barnacles!

(Henry just said I’m dumb again and that’s literally all he ever says to me so I think that means he has a crush on me.)

(YOU GUYS I JUST MADE THAT PICTURE THE LOCKSCREEN ON CHOOCH’S PHONE HE IS GOING TO BE SO PISSED!)

ETA: Or is she really HENRY’S SHOULDER PAD?? Oh shit did I just … MAKE SENSE of this?! Did I just … TIE THIS ALL TOGETHER? Wow, that’s almost like real blogging.

My bereavement diet of peanut butter toast and ice cream is going strong, so for dinner I had ice cream at Page’s. Every dog in line with their owners reminded me of Drew because Chooch would always say “look at that Bambi (what he called Drew) dog” and I would say, “that doesn’t look like Bambi at all” but tonight I came home and told him that I saw two Bambi dogs and all dogs now look like her to me, I am fucking haunted.

There is a sign that literally says WAIT TO BE CALLED TO THE WINDOW in like 4 different ways but this lady was like “does not apply to me” and was standing so close to Henry while he was paying that he walked into her when he turned to leave lol.

Anyway, I got a blueberry soft serve. It would have been more satisfying if my best cat had not just tragically and traumatically died in front of me 4 days ago…

It’s not getting easier yet. I am truly thankful for the friends who have repeatedly checked in on me this week. Texting and chatting with them has been the only thing helping me get through the days. I hate being in this house. I hate the mornings especially – no Bambi to catapult into my bed and gnaw at me viciously because she’s in such a hurry for me to get out of bed, you can play Connections later, let’s goooooo. I hate nighttime because I start to panic about going to bed because I know I will wake up repeatedly through the night with my mind whirring.

Today, Penelope has spent the whole time laying under the chaise lounge on the backporch. She has eaten at least but I am freaking out and keeping an eye on her. I don’t know if she is also sad or what but I cannot lose her too. We were going to go to the Butler County Fair today just for something to do, to try and have some semblance of fun, but with Penelope acting so down, I opted to stay home.

I would give up the chance to ever go to Korea again if it would bring back Drew. I would give up ever even leaving the state again if it would bring her back.

This is Drew right after we adopted her in January 2016. I am not handling this well at all. I have barely eaten anything (a mini blizzard, peanut butter toast, a Rice Krispie treat since she died on Monday) and I can stop full-body sobbing. I know this is normal and that many people experience this level of grief but it doesn’t help me right now. I don’t know what I need. Time, I guess.

Penelope has been spending more time with us so she definitely is aware. Usually she will sleep all day on the back porch but she has been out and about more.

Ever since last fall, I felt so disoriented. I can’t put my finger on it, maybe my subconscious knowing that our days with Chooch living here were numbered, maybe it was the stress of trying to help the new neighbors through a language barrier, but I can tell you that 2024 has not brought much more comfort, starting immediately with Barb dying.

Yes, there was Korea but I will tell you, that is bringing me no comfort right now.

All I can think about is when Chooch leaves for college in September, how lonely it is going to be around here. I expected obviously that Drew would be with us still and that we’d have each other to lean on during the day but then she was taken from me and I can’t make any sense of it. I can’t stop thinking about it and picturing that last moment, literally watching her die and not being able to do a fucking thing about it.

This was literally just Sunday morning. I had seen an IG reel the night before where someone turned a Churru treat into a popsicle and Drew went nuts over it which shocked me because she was our fussy one.

I bought cooling mats for both of them just a few weeks ago. Drew used to run and slide on hers across the room. She had even just been doing that Monday morning before I logged onto work too. It was such a normal day so far.

I am never going to read this again because I don’t want to remember the pain I feel right now but I have to get these thoughts out of my head and I don’t know what else to do. I’m spiraling out and have cried so much that I can’t believe I’m not just a desiccated skin sack at this point.

Jesus Christ she meant everything to me.

I lost my best friend this morning and I can’t fucking process it. One minute, Drew was standing on the beverage buffet, looking at the birds. I was standing next to her, petting her and talking to Henry on the phone. I had just hung up with Henry and started to walk back to my desk when I heard a thud. I turned around and Drew was laying on her side on the floor, convulsing, her tongue protruding. I was screaming BAMBI! BAMBI! (that’s Chooch’s name for her and I call her that more than Drew, too) and then I called Henry and screamed “I THINK BAMBI IS DYING COME HOME” and then I ran next door to HNC’s house and straight up banged on his front door. Poor guy was so bewildered when he opened it and I was like CAN YOU TAKE ME TO THE EMERGENCY VET I THINK MY CAT IS DEAD and he was like Jesus Christ let me get dressed real fast (he had pants on at least) and then I ran back into the house but you guys, I knew it. I knew she was gone. She was limp in my arms and I was begging her to come back and even by the time HNC got me to the vet down the street, only about 5 minutes had passed but it was too late. They couldn’t do anything and I am still sitting here crying like I’m going to throw up, haven’t cried like this in 9 years – when I lost Marcy. I just don’t understand how this happened. She was fine, we sat on the porch before work, she had her treats, she was like ” INORITE” as I was on an endless call to the help desk right when I logged on to work. And then she just wasn’t alive anymore. SHE JUST WASN’T ALIVE ANYMORE.

I want to punch something so hard.

I wanted to punch everyone at the vet.

The vet said that it was likely a blood clot that went straight to her brain, there wasn’t nothing that could have detected it, nothing they could have done or I could have done like that is supposed to make me feel any better knowing that the one living being I spend most of my time with, literally SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER, is just not here now and there is no going back, there is nothing to undo it and I am so fucking pissed and depressed and traumatized and I don’t FUCKING UNDERSTAND.

I was sitting alone in the cry room when Henry and Chooch showed up – Chooch was home when this happened but he was asleep and I don’t know how he didn’t hear me screaming but I didn’t want to waste time trying to wake him up and I don’t know if that was the wrong choice or not but he didn’t know that she had died when they showed up even though I had texted Henry and told him and then all three of us just stayed in this tiny room holding her and crying and even Henry who never emotes was crying and how is this happening. Why, I don’t understand she is my best friend and now I feel so alone immediately.

SHE WAS ONLY 8 YEARS OLD.

It feels like I only JUST said goodbye to Marcy and now that same pain is happening all over again. I feel so sick. I feel so bad for Chooch. Bambi was his baby. When we adopted her, I went into it with my heart still hurting from Marcy and I said to myself, “This is for Chooch. This is what Chooch needs and I am doing this for Chooch” and I swore that I would love the new cat, I’m not a monster, but I didn’t want to get attached. And of course I got attached instantaneously. I thought about her all day at work the next day and was so excited to go home and play with her. And then right after that we adopted her sister Penelope and they don’t really like each other all that much but Penelope knows. She can sense it and she’s being really mopey and weird and I hate this for all of us and now I can’t sing my “It’s one and two and two and ones!” to them anymore when I walk into the room and I don’t think Henry will miss that but maybe secretly.

I want to always remember how she has been afraid of the threshold to our bedroom since she was a kitten and to this day (ugh) she would very tentatively approach and then fucking LEAP across the room straight onto our bed, usually landing on my groin and causing me to scream in agony.

I want to always remember how she would wait for Henry to get comfortable on the couch and then decide that she wanted to sit beneath the throw blanket that I keep on that side of the couch and he’d go, “Ugh, fine you asshole” and move over, and then hold up the blanket so she could burrow under it.

I want to always remember how she would jump on Chooch’s shoulders when she was a younger cat.

I want to always remember how she would interact so docilely with the squirrels BUT HATED THE BIRDS.

She was so jumpy and sensitive. One time I had my hair in a ponytail and she for some reason didn’t recognize me and slowly backed away.

No one else ever really got to meet her or experience her quirks because it was STRANGER DANGER every time someone came over, but for us three, she was such a GIGANTIC part of our household and our lives. Like, she was ALWAYS with us.

She called treats “trits” and if I spelled “Is it t-r-i-t-s time?” she would run to the kitchen and wait. She and Penelope eat their trits on fine China saucers (well, from Goodwill).

I am so unbelievably wrecked. She is so special to us. I thought we had so many more years. I thought Chooch would go away to college and I could taunt him with pictures of Bambi loving me more and forgetting all about him. I just, I really thought that.