Yesterday, I turned 45. I had the day off work. We didn’t get back from our road trip until 3AM that morning and Henry had to work, so I just read a book and watched the Olympics. It was just like any other day. I cried a lot. No cake was served to me. No celebrations. Just a lot of existential crisis’ing, crying, panicking, etc. It was a real fun time.

I am emotionally depleted from the weekend. There were some really fun moments so when I post the recaps, I am not lying or being fake to make it look like my life is so fucking shiny, but the reality is that I was in no state to be traveling, socializing, etc. I pushed myself too hard and thought that getting away would help me and maybe in the past it would have, but everything has been hitting differently this time and my usual fixes aren’t fixing. I cried every day and felt like shit a lot of the time. Haven’t worn my wedding ring since Saturday night.  Now I’m home and strongly, seriously considering quitting my job, packing some clothes, scooping up Penelope and running far away. There is nothing here for me and this past month / year has been a big indication of that. I have never felt more alone than I have lately and it is terrifying. Transparency and honesty are also terrifying.

But hey, how about those US gymnastic teams, huh?

It’s currently 6:23pm and we’re in Massachusetts on our way home (NH – VT – MA – CT – PA, so many states on this trip). We spent the first half of the day at Story Land in Glen, NH which is in the White Mountains and when I say it was a harrowing ordeal getting to our hotel the night before from Portland, Maine…sheesh.

More on that separately!

Anyway I just wanted to post pictures of the adorable place we stayed – Swiss Chalet Inn. The rooms were decent – your standard two double bed motel room. Clean. TV for Olympics-viewing. The bathroom had a heat light on the ceiling which I appreciated!

(We’re passing thru Connecticut now as I type this.)

If you’re into quaint Swiss-ripoff facades, then I would highly recommend this place haha. I wish the rooms were miss Swissed out though. Like at least put a Swiss Roll on the pillows or something, I don’t fucking know.

Chooch, desperate to see the game room. He thought it was through the same door as the breakfast door, but that door was locked because breakfast was ending in a few minutes I guess. He jiggled the knob then started to retreat when someone ON THE INSIDE got up and opened the door for him (REMINDED ME OF OUR WEIRD BOJANGLES EXPERIENCE) so he went in and came right back out with a packaged muffin even though Henry had already brought us breakfast from a nearby cafe earlier.

“I felt obligated to get something since they opened the door for me,” Chooch muttered and dong worry because I’m sure he probably ate that in the car on the 5 minute drive to Story Land.

That’s all. Back to boring road stuff. My hands smell like autobody bathroom soap thanks to the Sunoco we recently stopped at to pee, by the way. Ugh.

Hello from Bath, Maine on another hectic leg of our road trip. We spent time with our friend Kristen this afternoon at her family’s farm so I will be recapping that once I’m home! It was so great to see her!

Then we did some lighthouse things and spent a lot of time looking for somewhere to eat because being on the SEAFOOD COAST makes it hard when you’re vegetarian. Finally, we found the Bath Brewing Co in, well, Bath that has a KELP BURGER.

Dang you guys. It was GÜD.

Of course, we were a family on edge after a day of arguing, etc. and even though we were “getting along” at this point, I think tension was oozing from our table and our server, EMILY WHO WAS GREAT, was picking up on it because every encounter with our table had her eyes glowing with anxiety. I was so irritated because no one can ever answer a question. Like, all she asked was “do you want me to bring some small plates out?” after she set down an appetizer and instead of one of us just saying yes, we all look at each in a panic like we’re trying to recall a script or something.

Why are we like this?!

“She probably thinks Henry kidnapped us and it was so long ago that we don’t remember it and now we’re just stunted,” I mumbled.

And for some reason this made Chooch lose his mind with laughter while he had a mouthful of food so Henry was like, “PLEASE DO NOT SPIT THAT OUT” and Chooch goes, “Oh ok when have I ever done that?!”

Henry immediately said, “MILKSHAKE.”

Hilariously, Chooch knew exactly what he was referencing and then began laughing even harder, almost shooting his kelp burger (copied me) across the patio.

Then I remembered that it was Henry’s COWTAIL MILKSHAKE from Sheetz. Henry had only had one sip before Chooch asked for a sip, at which point something made him laugh and he spit a LARGE WAD of milkshake back into the cup and all over the table because if I remember correctly we were sitting outside at a table for some reason?!

So then we went from being the shifty “out of the bunker for the day” family to just your basic annoying assholes.

And then I took a picture of Henry exiting the bathroom before we left.

Also my blog is still largely broken so if anything looks weird that’s why. It’s also defaulting to “comments off” so I’m not just being stand-offish.

It is 7:46am and the start of the first full day of this hectic road trip. We arrived at Little Falls after midnight as our first sleeping point. I was so scared because Henry booked us a RODEWAY room and those places can be mmmmm and it certainly looked mmmmm from the outside and even the hallway was mmmmm. But turns out they’re renovating and the room was very clean & updated, the bed was so comfortable, the TV was huge for Olympics-viewing, and the bathroom had a glorious smart mirror.

Henry is being SUCH A DAD already and Chooch and I are like STFU OMG. First of all, he got in the car and started angrily rifling around my feet “LOOKING FOR [HIS] CABLE” and I was like “THIS IS SO INVASIVE” which made Chooch laugh but Henry had already gotten out the car and was rummaging through the trunk at the point so he missed it and kept barking WHAT? WHAT?

Literally 2 minutes after getting in the car and now we’re at a rest stop so HE CAN PUT AIR IN THE TIRE.

Anyway, last night was such a chaotic drive because we let Chooch drive the last 3ish hours with me in the passenger seat and Henry banished to the back so we were just cackling like hyenas.

Anyway x2 since the last time we drove through this part of NY (whatever part that is) they’ve upgraded their rest areas to some magical thing called APPLEGREENS and I approve greatly.

“Ridin’ Dirty” is on the radio and I told Chooch that was his “dirty diaper” song when he was a baby and now I wish I had included this info somehow at his grad party.

9:16am: Me, not knowing where we are but thinking this is pretty:

I think we are almost to Vermont. Henry can’t find the border on the map haha. Imagine not being able to read a map.

9:29am: OK we’re passing through Hoosick NY and then I think Vermont happens. New state credit for us! #dorkalert And “Come Undone” by Duran Duran just came on so I’m really feeling a type of way.

9:52am: At the Blue Benn Diner! This came up on Bernie Sanders’ YouTube channel lol so I was like “This is where we will eat” and then put my blinders on for everything else.

Henry actually is with us but he’s not doing anything notable.

Chooch wanted to play the Chipmunks’ version of Achy Breaky Heart but didn’t have a quarter and then I was like “whoa they have Volare that’s one of my favorite songs!” And he said “no that’s dumb” and then a group of college kids came in speaking Italian (we think??) and sat behind us and they played it!!!

I got curry tofu scramble and it was so good and didn’t make me feel sick!

This place was sooo tiny – we were lucky to get there right as they were cleaning off the only empty booth. Our server was so nice too!

We got two homemade donuts too – Henry and I split one and Chooch had his own. They were awesome!

10:50am Well my fucking blog broke again so I’m writing this in Notes. Nothing in my life is right these days. Anyway, ate at the Blue Benn Diner in Bennington and then saw Robert Frost’s grave at a nearby cemetery.

11:08am: Leaving the gift shop at the Bennington Museum – super nice guy working in there! Got some local chocolate and maple syrup. Saw a weird Lincoln statue with nude children.

11:29am: at the Bennington Monument which is the tallest structure in Vermont and the 6th tallest MONUMENT in the US.

This post would have so many photos but only one out of every 10 pictures will upload because WordPress is a fucking piece of shit.

Henry got FREE ADMISSION since he is a “veteran” but didn’t even go with us. His loss because the elevator guy was the best part – we had a delightful chat with him about Pgh and his recent train ride to San Fran which was 68 hours.

12:21pm: Chooch has been driving us thru the mountains of Vermont while Henry slept in the back. He woke up long enough to scream ICE CREAM when we drive past an ice cream place though.

1:00pm: Just left Hogback Mountain scenic overview. There was a store there and we got our first authentic creamee! I got a baby maple with maple crunch and it lived up to the hype.

1:09pm: Chooch is still driving but he makes Henry put gas in the car lol.

1:22pm: Now we’re in NH and Henry and Chooch are fighting over directions and chooch started laughing so hard he gave himself hiccups and then Henry incorrectly told him to stay in the right lane going around a round about and he was WRONG because the right lane was a turning lane and Chooch basically had to cut off the car in the left lane to stay in the round about and Henry was like “it’s ok” ONLY BC IT WAS HIS OWN FAULY IT HAPPENED. PERFECT HENRY. But then Henry yelled WELL IM TRYING TO DO THIS FROM THE BACKSEAT AND YOU HAVE THE WORST NAVIGATOR NEXT TO YOU and Chooch goes OH I KNOW SHE WONT EVEN PLUG HER PHONE IN TO BRING UP THE MAP and hey no, how did I get dragged into this??

3:31pm: Made it to Maine!! The state line happened while we were on a bridge which was cool/weird. Nothing much else to report. Chooch is still driving and Henry has been asleep the whole time so I joked that it’s like Weekend At Henrie’s instead of Bernie’s because he looks dead but Chooch didn’t laugh.

3:36pm: OK weird a few minutes ago some Eminem song was on where he samples Abracadabra and Chooch was like OK COOL and then I changed stations a few minutes later and ABRACADABRA WAS ON.

7:22pm: Just leaving Funtown now and wow, it was something. There was a covered Scrambler that was hands-down the most bizarre versions of one of those I have ever experienced. Separate post will be happening for this portion of the day lol.

Henry was being SO ANNOYING on the way here though good lord. He wasn’t giving Chooch directions at all and then was yelling when Chooch went the wrong way and we were like THEN GIVE US DIRECTIONS! Ugh. Also I ate French fries and it was the first time in over a month that something so greasy hit my stomach so I am not a happy girl right now and also Henry is AGAIN trying to change the itinerary and I am ready to just cry because I tried to get him to sit down and plan this with me and he was being such a fucker “we don’t need a plan” bitch boy about it and now I’m stressed and not having fun because he has to be in control and when he is in control all promises of fun are flushed.

7:47pm: now we’re at Old Orchard Beach was supposed to be a tomorrow thing but whatever. Henry pissed off two middle aged people on thick-wheeled bicycles and then he yelled FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU TOO! out the window all over a stressful parking situation.

10:29pm: we’re at our airbnb in somewhere, Maine. It’s fine but I am not. We left Old Orchard Beach around 10 after arguing over food and then I was like, you know, this was supposed to make me feel better but I don’t feel better. I feel the same. And then I quiet-cried in the car the whole way here and now I’m going to bed. I’m posting this and I know it’s going to be fucked up just like everything else haha yay. Bye. 

P.S. our airbnb is a converted attic of a house and it has certain vibes for sure. Glad this is a one-night deal because the bathroom and kitchen are the same room.

After work today, we’re leaving for another one of our patented, poorly-planned, chaotic road trips which will entail an obscene amount of miles, little sleep in sketchy hotels, roller coasters in quaint New England parks, and a long-overdue reunion with my amazing friend Kristen! It is nice to have something to be excited about amidst everything all crumbling around me LOLOLOL hahahahaha ugh. Just kidding, guys – I’m OK and actively working on getting a fucking grip. Hopefully the new and improved version of my bitch self will be making her debut sometime…this fall? However long it will take therapy to make a dent in my morose cocoon.

On top of my issues, I have been so fucking annoyed with this blog and all the CHANGES that Henry has had to make to keep it from getting hacked, etc. I hate hate hate how it looks now, so badly. In fact, my last post somehow was published with white font, and you might not know this, but white font does not show up on a white background.

I fixed it but the font is different than the other posts even though it says it’s the same! I FEEL LIKE I AM IN CYBER HELL. And every other time I try to publish something, I’m taken to an error page. So if anyone out there reading this knows how to fix this and has the patience to work with me, let me know, because I think Henry resigned after my last fit.

I don’t know what else to say anymore. Chooch has been driving us all around so that’s been fun. I haven’t played tennis in a few weeks, and I need to do that. I still am not eating properly. I have some old Wimbledon match from 2013 playing on the TV behind me and it is comforting. I still can’t really listen to music.

Someone in my work group chat asked me if I’m excited or scared to be an empty nester – um excuse me? T R I G G E R E D. I am fucking sad, that’s what I am. Fucking sad. It’s actually some amalgamation of a bunch of emotions on the sad-scale and I have never felt this way before but this morning I caught a glimpse of Chooch sleeping when I walked by his room and I burst into tears. JUST A REMINDER THAT HE IS ONLY MOVING 5 HOURS AWAY I WILL SURVIVE. I swear to god though, before my life completely changed on July 1, the only real emotion I had been experiencing with regard to that was pride. I am so freaking proud of him! But now I’m just doggy-paddling through a sea of sadness.

You know it’s bad when I willingly bought him these dumb Minions Crocs last night when we went to the Outlets! He was like, “Yay! Thank you!” and I was so mad that I spent money on CROCS but it was also nice to see him happy, ugh.

Neighbor update: They did in fact move out, in one fell swoop. No words were exchanged. I’m not sure if the landlord knows, if they were still working with the immigration agency, etc. All I know is that I feel like a weight has been lifted but I’m also pissed that they managed to upheave my life in such a weird, invasive, stressful way during the time they were here. To their credit, it wasn’t the kids. It was her, and she did back off after a while, but back in May I had to delete WhatsApp from my phone because she was sending me super aggressive messages, like, “I gave you my last name, I called you family, why won’t you come to me” and it’s like, “Lady, I have a life too.” I’m over here just trying to do my best for my own fucking family and I couldn’t be at her beck and call because things aren’t happening fast enough (she wanted us to teach her daughter how to drive and then help her get her license – these weren’t small things she was asking us, like, “when is garbage pick-up?” you know?). I stopped going over “for tea” because it turned into hours of me sitting uncomfortably while she spoke into a translator about all the things that needed done and…I too have things that need to get done.

It’s just disheartening. I wanted so badly to help and to be friends but it was clear that while she kept calling us family, we weren’t FRIENDS. She knew nothing about me, didn’t care to know anything. Anytime I would try to have conversations so we could get to know each other, she would take the phone off me (we always used my phone for translating and that was annoying too because she would just grab it off me) and start going on and on about why I haven’t found her a job yet, etc. Excuse me, maybe the translation was coming out wrong, but last time I checked, neighbors aren’t responsible for getting new neighbors jobs.

It was just a whole lot of that. I do feel taken advantage of to an extent, not in the sense that I feel like she didn’t really need help, but she was so wasteful. She was constantly having new things brought to her by the church, new community friends, who knows, and she would throw the old things out. Like perfectly good used furniture that had been donated to her when she moved in, chucked out into the trash. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, I don’t know, but it made my skin crawl.

Also, over the last several months, she got herself a boyfriend (I think???) and he was some smarmy jerk who stood on her porch to smoke, and it would blow straight into my window. AND their side of the duplex has been remodeled and has central air so she would crank the A/C and leave the door and all of the windows open?! Henry was going to say something at one point and then adopted the “eh, fuck it” attitude that I too have lately.

Ugh I am so negative and Eeyore-y lately that I am getting on my own nerves. I’m going to attempt to post this and see how shitty it looks or if it even posts at all. I’ll update from the road this weekend if my blog lets me. Bye.

Twice this week, the infamous 2009 McDonald’s Playland story was referenced and since Chooch is denying that it happened, I’m resharing it here because I’m still in the “living in the past because everyone around me is dying and/or leaving me” cycle and I can’t function long enough to do anything else than reminisce, cry, and accidentally call out for Drew only to get sucked back into that “she was here and then she wasn’t, she was here and then she….wasn’t” loop. Also, I thought I was so fucking funny back then and never re-visit these old posts so apologies in advance if this is really annoying. I had no self-awareness back then.

To break up the monotony of being essentially housebound all week, Janna and I took Chooch to McDonald’s last Friday night. I love Playland because, unlike Chuck E Cheese, I can actually sit and relax and have adult conversations while Chooch acts a fool up in the tubes.

Chooch has a routine at McDonald’s: he’ll crawl the course of the tubes, come down the slide, push a bitch or two, then run back to where I’m sitting in order to plug a nugget in his loud mouth like a rag in a Molotov cocktail. Janna sat there and talked while I eye-flirted with the single dad sitting across from me, which made Janna roll her eyes.

A few minutes into Chooch’s reign of terror, a young boy stamped over to me and shouted, “Your kid keeps calling me a baby and I am FIVE YEARS OLD.” Chooch stood there and grinned proudly and I was like, “Oh. OK.” Then to Chooch, I mumbled with little to no conviction, “Quit calling him a baby.” Dealing with kids is not my forte. Later, that kid stole Chooch’s Spiderman, and after his grandma forced him to return it and apologize, Chooch laughed and slapped the thief’s arm which aroused chuckles in the other parents sitting nearby. The kid tried to tattle, but his grandma laughed at him, so one point scored for Team Chooch.

My pretend boyfriend and I, after making friendly eye contact and laughing at Chooch’s antics together, graduated into innocent small talk. I made sure I tweeted about it so Henry would know that I had an opportunity to upgrade.

A few minutes passed and I said to Janna, “I haven’t seen Chooch in awhile, have you?” and she realized that she hadn’t either. I knew I definitely hadn’t seen him come down the slide, so I assumed he was still up there in the tubes, but it made me nervous to see that all the other kids seemed to be running in a pack that didn’t include him. I didn’t even hear his obnoxious taunts and devilish laughs.

So I approached my pretend boyfriend’s son and I ask him if he’s seen my kid. He climbed up into the bowels of Playland, returned almost immediately and says, in a horror-stricken tone, “He’s up there and he doesn’t have no clothes on!”

My first thought was, “FUCK, Henry’s not here so now I have to actually be a fucking parent, are you goddamn kidding me.” As I began climbing up (and fuck you, McDonald’s! I kept my fucking shoes on), the little boy loudly added, “I saw your baby’s penis!” As my heart banged away in my ears, I vaguely recall hearing a small uproar of parental murmurings as they overheard this, and at that point, it might as well have been me who was naked.

I got to the top of the tower and turned around to see my son, completely fucking nude, lounging in a yellow tunnel. A group of children surrounded him on two sides, taking in impromptu Anatomy 101 with wide eyes and mouths agape. Chooch, he was just grinning away.

I’d have preferred a smaller audience for the night my son chose to announce his new lifestyle.

“Get your ass over here,” I hissed in a low whisper, and when he scrambled close enough I grabbed his arm–not so hard as to appear abusive!– and yanked him the rest of the way. Scanning the area, my heart sank as I discovered his clothes weren’t anywhere near him. A girl who appeared to be around seven or eight fetched them for me. Then she goes, “Oh, and here’s his diaper. Ew.” However, I was relieved to see there was no poop in it.

Or smeared across the tubes in Satanic shapes.

I gathered all his clothes and perched him on a ledge, angrily stuffing his head through his sweater. It was hot as hell in there and stank of dirty feet, prepubescent B.O. and stale fries, but I refused to drag him back down in his present full-frontal state. Some of the kids expressed their annoyance at my presence, and dramatically asked me to please move. I snapped on one kid and growled, “You have plenty of room to get past me, are you kidding?” Fucking children.

My favorite part, I think, was when I could hear one of the McDonald’s employees talking about the super exciting action with some of the adults. “And the mother’s up there now?” she asked. “Oh, that is just so cute! How funny!” YES, HOW FUCKING CUTE. AND FUNNY, INDEED.

As I stuffed clothing back on his nude body, I asked Chooch why he took his clothes off, anyway.

“I wanted my socks off,” he replied nonchalantly, like it was as sensible as a salad with low-fat dressing for dinner.

Once he was decent, I made him go back down with me. Janna and my pretend boyfriend were standing there smiling, and I just lost it, totally fucking cracked up. Janna and I talked about it for a few minutes when I realized again that Chooch’s absence was lingering a little bit too long for my liking. Pretend boyfriend sent his son back in, and he came back to report, “Well, he took his shirt off. But then he put it back on.”

To his father, I laughed, “This is a new thing, apparently.” And then I defeatedly mumbled a sardonic, “Awesome.”

Right then, Chooch came shooting out of the slide with his sweater completely inside out, and you better believe I grabbed his little exhibitionist ass. I plopped him down at our table and began stuffing his little asshole feet into his shoes while he took a swig of his drink.

“I can’t like lemonade,” he announced with disgust, setting the cup back on the table.

“Oh, so now that you’re a nudist, you don’t like lemonade?” Then I tried to explain to him the virtues of  the “no shirt, no service” rule.

On our way out, some kid sitting with his parents pointed to Chooch and shouted, “That’s the kid right there! The one who took his clothes off!”

• My neighbors are moving, apparently. Last night, they put half of their (DONATED) possessions on the curb and it was really deflating to me because we went above and beyond to help these people and I just feel totally taken advantage of. I also associate them with my world completely shifting, panic attacks, tremendous stress from worrying about their situation, feeling terrorized when they wouldn’t stop coming over and asking for help, when the mom flat out opened my door and walked in because I didn’t answer her BECAUSE I WAS IN A WORK MEETING…We kept it friendly with them but also at the same time, I developed a major aversion and would slink back inside if one of them would be coming out of the house at the same time as me.  I know this is a terrible way to think, but I can’t help it – I think about how hard I tried to be a kind person, a good neighbor, and help these people new to our country and then all I got in return was my cat taken from me unexpectedly and when I think of that day, July 1, minutes before Drew died, I can remember myself being on the phone with IT at work because my laptop was dying and seeing Tamanna standing at the end of my sidewalk and peering at my front door with a hard expression on her face, and me running up the steps because I didn’t want to deal with her if she was going to come to the door which of course was open because it’s fucking summer. So, I remember her face and being taken aback by her expression, and then I remember my cat dying. These two things, interwoven in my mind forever. So goodbye, good riddance, go take advantage of someone else. This is my takeaway for what happens when I try to be a good person.
• Last night, we were watching some British travel vlogger’s video from when he spent a few days in Pittsburgh last December, and it seemed to be willingly? FOR NYE EVEN!? Anyway, it was a really heart warming video and he seemed to not only really enjoy his time here, but he also did a lot of really great things that I would definitely recommend if someone asked. (Chooch goes, “Wow, he did more here than I’ve done in my whole life.” LOL.) Anyway, at one point he goes to the Aviary which is right next to a school where Chooch had some kind of innercity chorus thing every Saturday and he goes, “Wow, if this was 6 years ago, maybe I would have been having chorus rehearsal while he was at the aviary.” And then to Henry, he goes, “Remember that time you picked me up and then the school called to tell you I was suspended and it was so awkward? We never told you this,” he tacked on to the end to me and I was like, “WHOA WHOA WHOA…WHAT?”
  • So, what happened was, in 4th grade, he was apparently walking past the kindergarten teacher’s room with his friend DiMaggio and the teacher had a map of Brookline up on the wall and had all of her students put pins where their houses are?! So Chooch goes, “Wow, Mrs. Whoever is a pedophile” and then when they rounded the corner, she was standing there with her hands on her hips and he goes, “What?” and she goes, “You know what” and he said, “OK” and walked himself to the office, lol. Anyway, I wish I had known this at the time (ACTUALLY IT DOES SOUND FAMILIAR) because I would have fought them on that one – that sounds like the creepiest “class project” ever?!
  • “When you said DiMaggio, I thought it was going to be about the time you guys were walking to school—-” I started.
    “—and he pushed me in the street, but I was the one who got suspended?? Yeah, different time,” Chooch laughed.

• Drinking the new Hitchhiker coconut cream pie beer thing out of the Henry the Farting Dog cup from Bon Bon Land. I have been trying to mentally and emotionally go back in time to when things were better. And that trip was a better time.
• Because I will want to know this one day: Henry and I were walking around Lawrenceville when Biden announced that he was dropping out of the running. At first, I was gut-punched. But ultimately, I stand with Kamala. I think she can kick Trump’s ass in every way. I think Biden showed strong and true character by putting the country first. I just can’t stand this, it is absurd to me that Trump is even able to run, that he’s not jail, he’s a fucking felon. Like my friend Pam said tonight, he cannot legally own a gun, but he can potentially become president of the US (again) and have nuclear control. How does this make sense. You can’t MAKE IT make sense.
  • Good thing I’m starting weekly therapy before this.

• Also while in Lawrenceville, we got donuts from Oliver’s Donuts and the two I chose were good (Huckleberry, and Rosemary Jasmine) but Henry got a Death By Chocolate and it was more like Death By Choking because that sonofabitch was the driest donut I have ever fucking tasted. It was terrible. How were they selling those in good conscience?! I’m sick of people only saying glowing things about trendy hipster places – THEIR DONUTS ARE DUMB. (OK, mine weren’t dumb, but I wish we had went to Scratch like I originally suggested but Henry was being a dipshit.) Then we got matcha at some place that was OK (see above) but REALLY ANNOYING COLLEGE GIRLS WERE IN MY FUCKING WAY, BEING ANNOYING.
• I AM FUCKING JADED. I HATE THE WORLD.
• Tonight, as mentioned previously, Chooch and I went to Pam’s to meet her cat Baxter because we’ll be cat sitting for her next week and he is a biggun’ and so friendly. It really made me miss having a boy cat and maybe soon I will be ready to find a little brother for Penelope? Not a sister, because that would feel like we’re replacing Drew and considering I am still crying my eyes swollen every day over this, that wouldn’t be the smartest move for me. But we are also going away this weekend and even though my mom is staying here with Penelope (thank you thank you thank you Val), I still feel bad for her. I mean, maybe she likes being alone, who knows. But I really think she could use the company. Especially with Chooch leaving the house soon and ugh everything is so fucked. I gotta find a new normal, you guys. I gotta find it soon. I am floundering.

Well, that’s all. I don’t even have a fun way to say goodbye anymore.

Last Saturday, we officially celebrated Chooch’s high school graduation with friends and family. It was a really nice day. It was HOT (around 90 degrees but not all that bad under the shelter, thankfully). Shout out to Corey for meeting us there several hours before the party started to help set up, and for leaving before the party started to get the cake and some balloons. It was such a hectic morning.

I don’t have many words to say about it because I feel like I mostly floated around in a fugue state, but I do have pictures and will also say that being around my friends—especially so many that I haven’t seen in too long—was like, what were those books called? CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP FOR THE SOUL, lol. OMG I hate myself.

We had this cardboard cutout made and Chooch was not stoked on it but Core certainly was!

Get in the zone, photo zone.

The cake was one of the few things I was able to cross off the list myself, although it took me approx. 9 tries to actually get it ordered because I kept spacing out every time or being paralyzed by indecisiveness. But I finally did it. Normally I would get almond cake because all of my events are as important as weddings I guess, but one of Chooch’s friends has a tree nut allergy so we opted for half white / half chocolate. I was ranting about this during the party, and when I mockingly said, “tree nut allergy,” my friend Chris (of Chronica fame) said, “Oh, I have that now too” so then I felt like a dummy asshole girl.

But yo, the picture lol. Bethel Bakery called me and said, “Just so you know, the picture is a little blurry” and I said, “Oh that’s OK. It’s a screenshot from a video, it’s just a joke” and they were like, “Oh OK haha” with slight confusion. C’mon BB, ya gotta have a file for me by now. I can’t remember the last time I would have ordered a normal cake from them. The last one was Lauren’s goodbye cake and there were questions when I went to pick it up, lol.

Guests

• Corey
• Val
• Ryan
• My dad
• Megan & Eric
• Kari & Katelynn
• Kara
• Christy, Claire, Julia
• Amber
• Lauren
• Amy & Dick
• Chris & Monica
• Debby & Marlene
• Pam
• Janna
• Judy
• Isai
• Graehm
• Daniel C
• Daniel K
• Ben
• Roman
• Simon
• Adele
• Evan
• Aaliyah (not the ghost of the singer)

Apparently, there was a snafu with USPS not delivering some of the invitations, which is what I get for trying to be old-school and formal by snail-mailing them, but whatever. I’m over it.

Besides the cake, putting together the photo collages was the only other thing I could really assist with. I am so devastated that I lacked the mental wherewithal to go all-in like I typically would for a party. I love throwing parties. I love planning parties. But I am lucky I was able to uncoil myself from the fetal position long enough to do enough this. 

Marcy, Speck and Bambi all made cameos here. </3

We made these too for photo props (we = Henry, although I did get all of the pictures picked out before Drew died and my world ended, so that was something).

Corey has been taking this almost as hard as me. At one point, he stood next to me, looked over at Chooch who was seated at a table with his friends, and said, “I’m just so proud of him. He turned into such a nice young man!” and I was like, “OMG calm down.”

Lol.

This is the first and only photo of all 4 sibs! Hopefully there are more (fun, celebratory – gotta be careful with my wording here because THE UNIVERSE IS CRUEL) opportunities in the future photo ops.

This looks like the saddest party but it was before it really got going. (I mean, we didn’t necessarily get crunk or anything but it did get a bit more lively. It did kind of suck because of a lot of the regulars weren’t able to make it due to fucking busy summer social calendars which is a reminder of why I always had the pie parties in the fall. We really missed Nate, Wonka/Jess, Wendy, Lori, Margie and Sandy, for sure.)

No we will look at pictures that I forced people to pose for:

The Castle Blood connection <3

I have a knack for taking stealth-mode pictures, catching everyone off guard and making it look like a somber event. To be fair though, my mom is currently going through a legal battle with some psycho who bought property next to hers and my dad is partially responsible for the issue in question so I’m sure there was a lot of talk about that. Nnnngggh.

That is for sure what’s happening here.

These three helped put some pieces of my heart back in place that day and I am so thankful for that. It has been so hard and they get it.

Eric writing a list of places for Chooch to get a cheese steak when he moves to Philly even though Megan said, “Eric, he doesn’t eat meat” lol. His commitment to the cause was appreciated though!

Who would have thought that last August when we met Pam on the first night of the Coaster Crew Norden Adventure, that she’d be living in Brookline and attending Chooch’s grad party a year later? Life is wild.

<3 these two. Their lives have been so hectic and busy and the fact that they still made time to come out to the park for this was not lost on me. Truly appreciate them!

OMG I haven’t seen Christy’s kids in forever.

And btw, Christy is my oldest friend from childhood and also Chooch’s godmother <3. (His godfather couldn’t be bothered to RSVP – and I emailed the invitation to him so can’t blame that one on the USPS.)

Chronica ALWAYS shows up for the assignment.

Chooch with his first true love, Kara lol.

OMG the first Kelly family photo in decades! I already posted about this.

I was like, “The kids will love the photo zone” but then I had to force them to stand there. You can see how thrilled some of them are, lol. Some of the kids had already left before I had a chance to get them, too.

BIG SMILES, BIG SMILES.

Holy shit you guys, the way I am so relieved that this party happened, people showed up, Chooch had fun, I managed to not cry…I was so worthless with most of the preparation. Thank god for Henry, who quietly made 75% of the food (my mom also made food!!) and 75% of the props/decorations/collages. I did get my shit together a bit at the end and managed to not only send some additional photos to the printer, but also found the will to sit here and tape the pictures onto the boards.

I have been so stressed. So depressed. My mom told me to cancel/postpone the party but I couldn’t do that to Chooch. And it helped to be around friends and family.

Here’s to Drexel in the fall, adjusting to that empty nest life, rolling with the changes. I can do this. Right?

Today started with a pickle cupcake from Potomac Station because Pittsburgh has been transformed to Picklesburgh, as is what happens every July for the last, I dunno, 9 years? Chooch and I went to the inaugural Picklesburgh and that was enough for me. Back then, it was 100% located on a bridge. That was a NOPE for me, fam. Now, it’s spread out into other areas of downtown but it’s a nope for me.

But I’ll still indulge in some offsite novelty pickle action (as long as it doesn’t involve usurping tennis courts and hitting a wiffle ball with a paddle). If I had to actually go into the bowels of Picklesburgh for this cupcake, well…I wouldn’t have.

You know what? This wasn’t bad. It’s not a flavor I’d indulge in regularly, and I only had 1/4 of this, but to be honest I have been craving more of it since then. It just kind of works. The cake part had actual pickles in it and the frosting most def was spiked with pickle juice.

Later, I said to Henry, we gotta get outta here, man. Chooch is at a grad party, Penelope is hibernating on the back porch, my squirrels are off scavenging in other ‘hoods I guess, and I am fucking lonely, bored, frustrated, miserable, etc. But look, I’m not dumb, I know that this sad sack era is annoying. Trust me, I’m annoying myself. You think I don’t want to experience happiness again?? I do. But also, baby steps.

Anyway, I didn’t want to go to a cemetery (we did this last weekend and I cried to the point of near-hysteria) and I didn’t want to do NATURE because I didn’t feel like changing out of my Vans. So, I suggested going to Washington, which for you NON-LOCALS is a small city about 40 minutes from Pittsburgh. Henry won’t say to me right now, so we silently got in the car and stopped at CRAZY HORSE COFFEE on the outskirts of Washington first for some bev.

I got a DELECTABLE local favorite called a butterfly latte which was made with blue matcha, vanilla, lavender, and I opted for soy milk.

And since I have been subsisting on mostly desserts since Drew died, Henry and I got a vegan chocolate zucchini bread to share and that too was DELECTABLE.

The one thing that was questionable to me was the cafe’s use of a b&w American flag throughout their cafe and on the other side of the cup cozies. I told Henry that it made me uncomfortable and he didn’t say anything because he knows that whatever he says will be the wrong thing. I literally just told him that I think we will end up getting divorced over all of this and he was like “o m g.” But honestly, I just feel nothing and am not sure how things will ever get better especially once Chooch leaves for college, but hey, just me being OH HONESTLY, ERIN I guess.

But yeah, that latte was a beaut!

And then we parked in downtown Washington and walked around for a bit just for exercise. It was weird though because PSYCHO MIKE lived here briefly the summer after high school, 1997, above a Pgh Paints shop in a really shitty, sketchy, dirty apartment shared with two other guys, one of which he knew from the teen asylum place he lived in for a few mths after smashing a picture frame over his dad’s head (while I was on the phone with him) and generally being loudly suicidal.

Washington things.

Then we went here because pretzels are Henry’s prozac.

Some older gentleman came in and started loudly narrating his quest for a specific kind of BBQ that they NORMALLY have but DID NOT HAVE at this time (he made the employees look) and then he started telling me about how IT MAKES FOR THE BEST BBQ HAM HE HAS EVER HAD AND LOOK HE IS NOT NORMALLY A BIG HAM PERSON, BUT THIS BBQ SAUCE IS SO FREAKING GOOD and on and on and even after I told him that I don’t eat meat he still gave me detailed instructions on how to make it and I was like, “OK but even if I ate meat, I don’t cook, so…”

Anyway, this bro was such a fucking a hype man for the sauce that I ended up pulling one of the jars off the shelf (it wasn’t the one he was looking for, but it was the same brand) and said, “OK you sold me on this” and then to Henry, I whispered, “You can just put this on tofu, can’t you?” and Henry was like, “I can put anything on tofu, I am a Tofu Master Chef.”

Then we got Amish pretzels. I got mine unsalted but it still had a buttery glaze on it just like the one I got at Sheetz last week when Chooch and I had our MOMMY-CHOOCH DAY and just like that pretzel, this one made me immediately sick as I was eating it.

Ignore my gnarly nail polish. I can’t really muster the fucks needed right now to make my nails presentable to the public.

And then I had to walk down the MILITARY HALL (literally a hallway pockmarked with photos of old ass local vets I guess, I didn’t really stop and browse) to get to the bathroom where I took this grotesque selfie – my face doesn’t hold a smile these days so this is the best I can do.

Now I’m home. I just came back from my 4th walk of the day. I have some old Wimbledon match on YouTube because again – so many things are triggering now but tennis matches in the background seem to be somewhat soothing at the moment.

As usual, my blog is busted and I spent an hour writing a post (it was a bunch of nothing hoo-haw cries for help honestly, not missing anything) only to post it and be presented with an error page and no saved draft.

Also my current theme was no longer supported by WordPress so Henry reverted my blog back to a theme I used 100 years ago and it is TRASH and has not resolved ANY issue (blame the Russian hackers, I dunno) and I really think that 2024 has been so awful and I might as well just add the DEATH TO OH HONESTLY ERIN to the timeline.

Anyway, here’s a picture of Chooch from when he decided to wake up today. Then he went ro Picklesburgh and played tennis which is so much more than anything I have done all week. Life is so great.

1. I have a consultation with a new therapist next Tuesday. Hopefully help is on the horizon because today I cried so hard that I lost my voice for a bit. That’s where I’m at in the grieving process.

2. Penoopaloop <3

3. My mom told me that the crows at her house have been bringing her gifts for feeding them (my actual dream!!!! the crows here don’t bring me shit – although they do hang out in the backyard and keep the hawks away so I shouldn’t ask for anything more). She was complaining about it though! “They bring me stupid shit like bolts, and the other day it was a Greek coin.” Dude I think that’s pretty cool though??

4. Chooch tried to back the car into Henry and that made me genuinely laugh for the first time since June 30. But then we went to Ikea to look at dorm stuff and I got sad again.

5. But then I saw a display for the same pillows Tim bought us in a Denmark Ikea before we embarked on a 13-hour overnight bus ride from Northern Denmark to Oslo-ish Norway during one of the worst storms that region had seen in decades so that brought back a warm memory.

6. NCT127 comeback – I’m trying to get into it, you guys. I really am. I haven’t been able to listen to Kpop or retrowave at all since Drew because I associate both with her so much. There is actually one particular retrowave song that I have been avoiding like the plague because it will shatter me if I hear it but my brain is like, LOL U THOUGHT and has  been playing it in my head on a loop from memory so that has been pretty fucking terrible. But yeah, new NCT and it is really good so hopefully I will one day be in a good place where I can enjoy it.

7. I think we might go away the last weekend of July if my mom will stay here with Penelope. I need to be excited about something and right now there is nothing but maybe if I have something to look forward to, I don’t know. We’re still discussing where to go and it’s changed like 8x.

8. You guys, I should keep this for the grad party post, which I will recap here one day, but I can’t wait! It was the first time in literal decades that my immediate family got a picture together. I can’t believe that we were all together and not only that, but they all stayed the entire time, until the end. My dad was even helping Henry pack everything up! 

My mom was resistant but Corey was like WHAT IF YOU HID BEHIND THE RILEY CUTOUT so she was OK with it after that. 

Her middle finger, lol.

I need to frame this. 

9. I’m happy that the Olympics will be happening here soon. Team South Korea!! They have their own light sticks and they’re using BSS’s “Fighting” as their anthem, I’m so stoked for that. 

10. I don’t really have a tenth thing, to be honest. I guess just the fact that I was able to sit here and write this without crying is a positive thing. 

There is the older man who I always see on my walks around Brookline. His constant companion is this beautiful Husky, and she HOWLS for him when he has to leave her outside while he pops into 802 Coffee because the owner is an asshole who doesn’t allow dogs inside (all previous owners did).

The day after Drew died, I saw him on the Boulevard. She wasn’t with him.

I haven’t seen him at all since then.

Yesterday, Henry brought Drew’s ashes home. A brand new wave of grief crashed into me. I am so glad to have her back here, but oh my fucking god. Oh my fucking god. I hate this, I hate everything.

I’m having a hard time finding a therapist.

I’m having a hard time in general.

Margie sent me an article the other day, written by a veterinarian, about how society needs to take pet loss grief more seriously. We get bereavement time at work when immediate family dies. People are kind and gentle and don’t expect, one or two days later, for us to be “over it.” Well, pets are immediate family. This is the hardest mourned someone since my Pappap died in 1996. Every time I start to feel “stupid” about it, I have to check myself. I don’t give a shit anymore who thinks this is dumb or trivial. I just don’t. I know how I feel and if someone asks me “Hey how are you?” I’m going to be honest with my reply because I am not going to minimize my feelings. If someone is uncomfortable with that, then I don’t know what to say because this is real life and I can’t fake it anymore.

I know deep in my heart that I won’t feel this way forever. I am trying to get to the other side, but I also don’t want to push myself because I can tell you that I was not allowed the time and space to properly grieve my Pappap when I was 16. I carried that grief and trauma with me into adulthood. I know there are lessons here and I appreciate that, but I cannot care about that right now until I deal with my feelings.

Every day, I sit here and scroll through pictures of her, not understanding how this could have happened.

My friend Amber (the OG Amber!) wrote in a card that Marcy is taking care of Drew now and that made me cry but also, I felt comforted at that idea.

And my friend Lyda sent me a care package that included a little moveable cat that her son made on his 3D printer. That also made me cry, but in a good way.

This house just feels so empty. How could such a small being take up so much space? God, she was just so fucking special to our family.

She was perfect.

I meant to post this on Sunday but seeing as how I cried 3/4 of the day like my face is a fucking salt water sprinkler, that didn’t happen. Today marks 2 weeks. Nothing is helping.

Well. Here are the books I read in June which feels like an eternity ago at this point and who the fuck even cares really – I know I sure don’t.

1. The Band by Christine Ma-Kellams

I almost DNFd this. If you don’t like Kpop or are at least mildly interested in Korean culture, I can’t imagine this book would be very appealing. It’s VERY CLINICALLY/ACADEMICALLY written at times and even though it was rife with dry humor and wit, it was still almost too dry. I did end up really enjoying it though once I reached the pivotal moment where the book’s narrator (I believe she was meant to be based on the writer herself), runs into the canceled member of a Kpop boy group in a California H-Mart. From there, the book really picks up, there is way more dialogue and less gigantor blocks of text full of long-ass sentences with that dreaded “assigned reading” feel.

It was extremely smartly written which made a lot of sense when I read the author’s bio at the end. (Harvard-trained cultural psychologist / college professor lol. That checks.)

2. Mother-Daughter Murder Night by Nina Simon

It was fine but forgettable.

3. With or Without You by Caroline Leavitt

Barely remember reading this. I think I was in between library books and grabbed this on Everand. It was quick and OK. I wasn’t invested in any of the characters so didn’t care one way or another if the wife came out of the coma, which is what the whole book is about.

4. No One Can Know by Kate Alice Marshall

Shit, I have really loved some of her books but this was not one. I gave it 2 stars. I was bored. My Goodreads review just says “What even was this mess.”

5. Stay True by Hua Hsu

Memoir of a New Yorker staff writer that focuses mostly on his childhood best friend and a traumatic event surrounding that. I hadn’t really read the synopsis going in to this so I was expecting the thing to happen and it hit me hard. Wow, just like real life.

6. Between Us by Mhairi McFarlane

My second McFarlane book – loved it. Not a 5-star like “Just Last Night” was for me, but a solid 4. She writes such vivid, animated characters, and the conversations between them feels so real and natural. I wasn’t sure what direction this book was heading during the first third, but then it really picked up and I was into it.

7. My Darling Girl by Jennifer McMahon

Elderly mom who might be either be possessed or just a really shitty mom, etc. It was mildly entertaining but I will say the twist at the end got me.

8. The Vacancy in Room 10 by Seraphina Nova Glass

Two POVs and I kept mixing them up. I didn’t like this very much. Everything feels so predictable and generic to me anymore. Should I stop reading? I’m bored.

9. Home Is Where the Bodies Are by Jeneva Rose

This one was actually pretty good. Neighbor kid goes missing in the 90s. Dad of main characters’ family goes missing many years later. Present day – mom dies which brings all three siblings back to the family house and reopens the mystery of the missing kid and also where the hell is dad. I actually didn’t see the reveal coming and was pleasantly surprised. An entertaining thriller was just what I needed at the time. Seems so long ago now.

10. What If You & Me (Say Everything, #2) by Roni Loren

LOL I was halfway through this before I realized it was #2 in a series. Pretty stupid romance. I won’t be going back to read #1.

11. Middle of the Night by Riley Sager

I mean, at this point in my life, it’s tradition to read a new Riley Sager book in the summer. I am so LOVE/HATE with this guy’s books. I have read 1 stars from here where I actually have thrown the book across the room when I finished, and I have read 5 stars that I still think about sometimes! This one was…I think I gave it a 4 on Goodreads but I would say more honestly that it was a 3.5. It had a Goosebumps-For-Grownups feel to it. Another “missing neighborhood kid from the 90s” tale where I did NOT in any way predict the ending. It was a good summer mystery/thriller and I liked the dual timelines.

Also, his book covers have been SO GOOD lately.

12. Good in Bed (Cannie Shapiro, #1) by Jennifer Weiner

Meh. I generally enjoy Jennifer Weiner books and associate her with my first month of “getting back into regular reading” at the beginning of 2020 because her newest novel at the time was the first one I checked out of the library and I devoured it. But most of her books are kind of “more of the same.” This was is an older book of hers and it was fine. All of her main characters are plus-sized and the way she describes them, I picture every single one as Carnie Wilson but then at some point in this book, someone compares the main broad to Janine Garofalo and I’m like, “Babe….what.” So, that can sometimes get in the way of the story.

13. The Weekend Retreat by Tara Laskowski

This was so dumb. A bunch of rich fucking boring assholes who I kept mixing up. I wish I had not read this and just spent that extra time with Drew instead. Fuck this book. Fuck everything.

It’s me, the miserable one. Today has been somewhat of a breakthrough day.

I guess.

I had scheduled the day off over a month in advance, figuring that I would need the day to get some shit done for the graduation party. But, as you know, I have been half-crippled with these awful feelings – and before you think to yourself, “It was just a cat” please unkindly fuck right off because she was a family member and it has unlocked layers of past grief and anticipatory grief so I have been going through it these past two weeks and again am grateful for my friends who have checked in on me.

In the morning, I went for a walk and finished two books, one of which was a book on coping with the loss of a cat that my brother Corey had sent me and while it made me feel like every raw nerve in my body was being poked and prodded at times, it was overall a very cathartic read and you know what I did when I finished it? I contacted a local therapist experienced in EMDR therapy and am in the process of getting something scheduled.

So I feel positive about that.

I still cried a bunch of times today BUT! Chooch spent a large portion of the day with me and that was so good for me to get out of the house and I dunno, live a little. I let him drive, which is also good for me because I’m a passenger princess. So that in and of itself was an adventure.

I wanted to go to Round Hill Park because it’s symbolic in a way. He and I went there one day during the summer of 2020. I had taken a day off because they were pushing us to take PTO even though we were working from home and there was nowhere to really go because it was still the height of the pandemic. But I had suggested Round Hill because it’s outdoors and I thought we’d be safe. It was the summer before he started high school.

This is the summer before he starts college. I am gutted.

He agreed only because he was excited to drive that far out, I’m sure.

We had to drive past his doctor’s office on the way – in Jefferson Hills – so I suggested that we stop there because he had some immunization paper work for college that needed to be filled out. He was just there last week for his wellness visit and they gave him his records then but Drexel was like NO IT HAS TO BE DONE ON OUR FORM PLEASE AND THANKS. Anyway, we went in and he was like, “I have a PDF—” and the lady was like, “Great, please print it out and come back.”

Like, no offer to just print it out there, just sent us away like we were riffraff begging for loose pills.

(j/k she was nice but still.)

Then we went to Sheetz and got coffee and breakfast. Chooch regretted “not backing in” to the parking spot. He is obsessed with backing in, like why do guys think this is such a flex??

Anyway, Round Hill was nice and not crowded. We saw some animals that reminded us of Bambi though, like this rabbit:

And this goat:

:( I’m still in agony. It hurts so bad.

There was some annoying little girl over by the horses being a total know-it-all. I guess she and her mom are regulars because they were like ALL OVER one of the horses even though there are signs everywhere that say no petting, but the mom seemed like she was on a personal level with them, and was flaunting it which was kind of off-putting but you do you, horse lady.

Chooch thought he was safe from a photo shoot but then I saw some lady across the street in a field of flowers taking pictures and you know, monkey see monkey do, so I made him go over there with me and he was so pissed.

“This could be our last time here together,” I said somberly to Chooch, who sighed, “THAT is what you said the LAST time, too.”

Then we began our QUEST for a printer.

Apparently, CVS prints documents for you but we couldn’t find one that was on the way back to where his doctor is, so we stopped at a Rite Aid in Elizabeth were some old lady was like OH HAHAHAHA WE STOPPED DOING THAT YEARS AGO like we were transplants from the 1980s asking for the latest blockbuster on VHS.

Desperate, Chooch turned to Google and found some place in Clairton called Precision Copy Center with zero reviews but we shrugged and decided to check it out. To be fair we could have done this any other day because the deadline isn’t until Sept 1st but it became A MISSION to get it done WHILE WE WERE OUT.

After nearly getting t-boned by a pick-up truck, we pulled up to this random copy place next to the river in a rundown area next to a moonshine distillery??? and they were like “um try Kinkos maybe???” I think this was a commercial printer, lol.

I  guess I can’t embed videos anymore on this broke-add blog that is another thing that is dying in my life and I just can’t give a shit about it anymore. https://www.ohhonestlyerin.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/IMG_3512.mov”>IMG_3512

Anyway, we ended up at the Pleasant Hills Library and the librarian looked surprised that two people under the age of 70 were requesting print services. But it was a success and now the doctor’s office has it and will get it back to us within 3-5 business days and it’s one last college thing to worry about it.

That map on the floor was for people to write down adventures they’ve had in a certain place and then stick it on the map so I did one for getting married in Seoul while Chooch was struggling to only print the pages he needed so we wouldn’t be OVERCHARGED god forbid (it came to 60 cents and I brought in FOUR QUARTERS so we were on a BUDGET).

Wouldn’t Chooch and I be incredible on the Amazing Race?

THEN we had to go to Giant Eagle (UGH GROCERY SHOPPING) to get gluten-free bread and a small gluten-free cake for tomorrow because “one and a half” of his friends are gluten-free whatever that means. Following the baker’s directions to where the gluten free cakes were located was like a side-quest. We had to go back  to the bakery and ask for directions a second time, LOL. But, we succeeded.

Everything is annoying / stressful / sad / panic-inducing lately. It’s going to be OK though, right? Eventually?

It’s been hard. I went to a pet grief support group Monday night. Henry came with me and it was us and five elderly women who are regulars. They were so welcoming and comforting. One could have passed for my friend Marlene’s sister, right down to her dry sense of humor.

Per the Fight Club-seque rules of the group, I am not permitted to share any details of what everyone discussed. (I’m not kidding!! “What is shared in the room stays in the room.”)

I’m really trying to not sink into the grief but the cat loss book that my brother sent me (seriously my friends and family have been truly holding me above water) says to DRIVE into it. So, OK – I’m doing that. I’m letting myself sob. But I’m also going for walks. I’m (trying) to help with party decorations. But I’m also desperately wishing I’d come back that walk and see her waiting by the window.

I am also seeking therapy to help me process the trauma of this. It’s hard enough losing a family member but the way this happened has wrecked me for what feels like life. I am looking to try EMDR therapy.

I’m still not really eating. I have almond milk with a scoop of protein for breakfast, a peanut butter sandwich for lunch, and dinner is usually a cookie or ice cream. I don’t know what is happening to me but I cannot bring myself to making my morning smoothie or anything else that was a routine because it just makes me think of Drew and I feel broken again. Baby steps. One day I will want to eat dinner again. One day, using the blender won’t make me cry.

I am working on not blaming myself but it is so hard when I was the only one here. I am trying to stop the WHAT IFS (I had reacted faster) and the BARGAINING (I would go back to 2016 and relive all the trauma with my grandparents house / Sharon if it meant reliving Drew and Penelope’s first year with us). I know this will take time. I’m writing in her tonight because it’s like a pep talk. I can do this. I have lost and mourned others. No one will replace Drew. No one will fill her spot in my heart. I couldn’t stop it. It’s not OK but it has to be otherwise I will be living in this loop forever and it is so painful. It hurts so much.

Some positive things:

• I did my annual wellness check yesterday and all my numbers came back in the green. Yay.
• The Olympics will be starting soon. Yay.
• Spending time with Chooch. He still hasn’t gotten his license but has his permit so we’ve been letting him drive us around. Last night, I was his passenger and he decided he wasn’t feeling in the mood for music so he turned off the radio and just talked – no soul-baring convos or anything like that but just some light chitchat and it was just what I needed, especially when we drove past a fire station and he suggested finding a baby to leave on the doorstep lol.
• Penelope is still here.
• The squirrels are still here.
• Today I went into the office just to get out of the house and I got to see Sue and Megan and I walked around disgusting Pgh but it was a bit of normalcy. While there, my laptop died and I was issued a new one. The IT guy said I AM THE FIRST PERSON IN THE FIRM TO GET THE NEW MODEL. I said I’m going to brag about it and he said “oh you definitely should.”
• New NCT127, which Drew would have loved (well, I would have loved pretending that she loved it to annoy Chooch).