Jul 162010

Earth-shattering updates throughout the day, brought to you by Tart-Tits. Please try to continue breathing while taking it all in.

  • 14:38 Naked without my Olson twin sunglasses. Squinting like a fucking mole. #
  • 14:40 Going back to the Butler County Fair. Double rainbow all the way! #
  • 19:26 Henry loses all value of the dollar at the fair. I wish I could fiscally unclench long enough to do the same. #
  • 19:27 Just want to say a solid thank you to Alisha for pointing out all th deformaties at the fair today. #
  • 19:52 Just had to have a convo with a mom AND NOW SHE IS SITTING WITH US WHAT. #
  • 19:53 And she just very passively bummed a cigarette from Alisha. She’s said “yinz” 12x so far. #
  • 20:00 Lol mom convo twitpic.com/2478f4 #
  • 20:10 Now my brother Corey and his gf are here encouraging the awkwardness. #
  • 21:56 Goodbye Butler County Fair, you sexy double rainbow bitch. #
  • 22:29 A difference btwn Chooch & me: he wants to rip his event wristband off ASAP upon departure; I wear mine til it disinte grates, then I cry. #
  • 23:08 My Warped Tour photos, if anyone gives a shit: www.flickr.com/photos/rowdyruby/sets/72157624451547564/ #
  • 23:55 It’s against Henry’s religion to laugh at anything I say or write. But he will always laugh every time I fall down the steps. #

  • 11:15 Chooch just made me put earplugs in his ears so he can go upstairs to use the bathroom while Henry is vacuuming. Issues. #
  • 11:23 I found my first ever Internet friend, circa 1998, on Facebook and I think my ecstatic message creeped her out. #
  • 11:49 Being in Hartford with properly fitted pants, a girl can dream. #
  • 13:05 Pissed ppl off at a red light; apparently they don’t appreciate the soul splitting screams of Miss May I. :( #
  • 13:22 A super old lady just plopped down next to me on a bench & I’m fighting the urge to stop breathing. #
  • 13:34 At Panera with a girl I haven’t seen in 14 years. Amazing. #
  • 17:08 In catching up with Jessy, she asked if I’m still “really clumsy.” Yes, and my clumsiness comes in new flavors now too. #
  • 17:14 And then I cried while telling her about Warped Tour. Slap me. #
  • 20:05 Yo, it’s a BLOG BASH, double rainbow all the way!: Hi! Apparently this is a Blog Bash! I’m not very social in the … bit.ly/dbtadb #
  • 20:26 Fran on Hell’s Kitchen looks like she’s a Seth MacFarlane creation. #
  • 20:29 Wish I was there, so badly:( RT @VansWarpedTour The sky looks rad! twitpic.com/24j2pc #
  • 20:48 I’m so much of a loser, I’m a looser. #
  • 23:55 The Phil Mickelson Rolex commercial is SO INTENSE OMG. (Like a double rainbow, but you knew that.) #

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Jun 122008

Urgent. Will die without reading.

  • 15:26 Chooch talks like a Canadian. #
  • 17:53 I wish my ring could squirt poison. #
  • 18:50 Tina just asked me why I’m sitting on my knees. I AM SO SCRUTINIZED UP IN THIS JOINT. #
  • 20:51 Totally threw off Tina by telling her I have a girlfriend. It was awesome. #
  • 21:18 When ppl try to avoid junk food I suggest picturing candy bars stuffed into the bloated carcass of a dead hooker, throw in some shit & worms #

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Jun 022008

(*and by busy, I completely mean lazy.)

Urgent. Will die without reading.

  • 07:14 I’m subtitling 2008 as The Year I Gave My Dentist Too Much Money. #
  • 07:21 Chooch has determined his breakfast to be a red freezepop. #
  • 10:56 On the way home from work last nite I had a clear vision of a jagged piece of glass slicing through half my face and one eyeball. Awesome. #
  • 04:32 At one point last night, Christina noted that an entire hour passed without me mentioning murder. Gold star alert. #
  • 05:07 The dinner Henry made me looks uncannily like dog food, which is apropos I guess. Tastes good though. #
  • 05:56 Was standing still in front of my desk, lost balance and half-fell. Sent a fork catapulting through air. 1 witness. #
  • 06:00 Me: Eleanore, remember when I totally fell? Eleanore: Uh, yeah babe. It was five minutes ago. #
  • 08:36 Shit I hate Tina so bad that it makes me laugh murderously. HAHAHAHAMURDER.#
  • 09:41 were my arms too short to ransom you from leper’s skin and snacks of glue? #

  • 10:52 Henry: what kind of woman are you? You don’t carry Kleenex or have tampons. #
  • 12:47 Henry just explained to me the concept of fire and how it doesn’t get along with clothing. #
  • 14:46 She makes me feel pretty. #
  • 17:43 Saw a dead fish in a pond and henry gently reminded me that animals really do die. Except it wasn’t so gentle. #
  • 20:15 Chooch is now the owner of a neon pink fish named Switchblade. Wagering with Henry on who kills it first: Chooch, the cats, me. #
  • 21:20 Chooch’s head is big enough to use as an ottoman. #
  • 23:36 I think part of my eye just peeled off. #

  • 10:00 I know this comes as a shock, but: 2-year-old + pet fish = what was I thinking? #

Other than that, I spent my weekend chasing my kid through a cemetery, getting all up in Henry’s hair, eating pizza, watching through my fingers as the Penguins lost, being treated to a good grilled cheese lunch by my friend Jess, wishing I was in Ohio, and getting lost in my own ‘hood.

May 132008

Urgent. Will die without reading.

  • 13:05 I think some ppl only understand the meaning of NO when its followed by a knife in the gut. #
  • 15:20 I just know when I’m stuck behind an I<3Bingo sticker, I’m going to be late for work. #
  • 17:54 Seasonal lesbianism in the hizzouse. #
  • 19:32 my stomach is still exacting revenge after yesterday’s cereal mishap. #
  • 20:40 this makes me die inside: "were my arms too short to ransom you from broken skin and black and blue." #
  • 21:39 I don’t get enough naked chicks sending me friend requests on MySpace. WHAT’S UP, HOES?? #
  • 22:52 waiting for the death blow. #
  • 23:01 i could have a sword lodged in my sternum and my fave security guard could still make me smile just by giving me a thumbs up. OKMAYBENOT. #
  • 08:00 Apparently saying "whatevelyn" is even more annoying than its abbreviated sister "Whatev." Glad I inducted it into my lexicon. #

And then these ones didn’t post yesterday because LoudTwitter thinks I’m a whore:

Urgent. Will die without reading.

  • 09:46 Ordering cereal with a chronic sniffler behind me. Gross. 
  • 09:50 I’m eating cocoa puffs, lucky charms, malt balls and choco syrup. Best cereal ever.
  • 09:58 All cereal should have malt balls in it. And I don’t even LIKE malt balls!!! 
  • 09:59 And a goth girl named Simone works here AND the Cure is playing. Cereality pwns.
  • 11:32 Sick
  • 08:01 Just got my son stuck in a shirt. It was scary because I thought he was going to kill me.
  • 08:02  I gave him cold pizza for breakfast in an attempt to make amends

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May 022008

Urgent. Will die without reading.

  • 13:19 Didn’t even realize I have a bloody knuckle. What’s up, adrenaline. #
  • 14:22 I think I’ve outgrown the Cure. #
  • 17:09 I think by the time I complete my tenure at MSA, I’ll be handing them one of my lungs. #
  • 17:27 Versus the Mirror dares Eleanore’s scissors to pierce their sonic wall. #
  • 18:27 Per Eleanore: If you can’t speak English you should just go back where you came from. #
  • 20:15 Just spent 10 minutes praising the merits of Blackberry Curve w/ one of the security guards. Hers is silver mine is red. #
  • 20:56 Trying to unlearn the need to sling "retarded" around so freely and derogatively. Hard mountain to climb. Help me. #
  • 23:07 Just remembered why I stopped watching hockey all those yrs ago. #
  • 01:56 Stereotypes make the world go ’round. #
  • 10:40 I forgot how much fun it is to play with cars. I want to buy some dolls to turn into crash victims. Henry will object I bet. #
  • 12:06 Need a constant loop of Chooch saying ‘girl’ so I’ll never be in a bad mood again. #
  • 12:17 I’m trading it all in to be a milk maid. Please call me Gertie. #

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Now you too can poop in your hands.

Apr 222008

Urgent. Will die without reading.

  • 13:02 It’s surprising how many times a day I wash dishes, considering there’s only three of us and Chooch mostly eats off the floor. #
  • 13:36 I still feel sad when I think about Versace’s murder. Like I was his bastard child from a hetero fling & I got gypped out of inheritance.  #
  • 14:56 At work and it suddenly smells like someone just peed. #
  • 15:02 Pee smell was burning bag of popcorn that someone tossed, still aflame, in the trash. Big Bob saved day.  #
  • 15:22 Dear Robert Smith: not sure what I’d have done if you weren’t born. Happy fucking birthday, yo. #
  • 17:46 I usually have no idea what I’m talking about, but I like to think it sounds good. #
  • 19:25 define irony: asking Eleanore to cut – WITH SCISSORS – a stray thread from the back of my shirt #
  • 20:36 I often have urges to punch myself in the head. like now. what a coincidence. #
  • 09:29 I could never just take a hearty bite out of a whole tomato and call it a snack. That’s what apples are for. And Sno-balls. #
  • 11:07 Hoping the "poop, then stick fingers in it" phase ends soon. For Chooch, I mean. I outgrew that three yrs ago. #

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