Dec 182017
 

I woke up around 6:30, before my alarm went off, and instinctively reached for my phone. The first notification I saw was from Soompi saying that Shinee’s Jonghyun had passed away.

And then my Twitter feed blew up.

SHINee wasn’t my bias group but I do really like them a lot and even if I didn’t, this news still would have shattered me. And there was a SHINee song in my dream last night too! Which isn’t that unusual considering I have Kpop playing all night along – it helps me to wake up in a not-so-miserable mood, you guys.

Suicide is so jarring. I feel like I just want to hug everyone today and I hate hugs typically. Instead, I will just count down the hours until I can come home from work, bury my face in a pillow, and sob uncontrollably. And probably also drink some soju, you don’t know me.

Until then, I will spend all day dwelling on the whys of suicide, crying for his family, worrying about the remaining SHINee members.

Such a beautiful man. I hate knowing he was hurting so much. :(

Dec 172017
 

Everything was fine last night util around 11:30 when I began noticing it while laying in bed: the low-grade rumble of a radio that was not mine. One thing, a HUGE thing, to note about me is that I cannot stand hearing radio (more specifically – BASS) coming through my wall. I’m fine with it at a concert or in my own car, but there is something about it filtering through my wall that clashes with my sanity, creeps under my skin, flips my bitch switch. So what started out as a nice night quickly morphed into WHERE IS THAT COMING FROM AND WHO DO I HAVE TO KILL TONIGHT?!

Henry, of course, didn’t hear anything because he doesn’t have psychotic aural powers like I do.

Henry quickly assured me that no one was home next door, because we have decent neighbors post-Boots’ arrest & eviction, and Henry will do anything to preserve our docile relationship with them. He looked out of our bedroom window and noticed that there was someone (“a fat white guy,” Henry eloquently noted) sitting in a running car in front of our house. “It’s just this car out there. He’s probably waiting to pick someone up. It’ll stop soon.”

But what I heard was, “Some cocksucker is outside my house with complete disregard for the residents on this street and now he must die.”

Several minutes passed and he was still out there. It didn’t matter that I had Kpop playing on our own bedroom radio, now that I knew there was foreign noise flitting about outside my bedroom wall. In fact, it seemed louder now.

“It’s not even music he’s listening to, it’s talk radio,” Henry pointed out and I was like “I KNOW, IT SOUNDS LIKE CHARLIE BROWN’S TEACHER IS OUTSIDE OUR HOUSE SQUAWKING IN A BULLHORN.”

Another fifteen minutes passed and now it sounded like Rush Limbaugh was LIVE FROM ERIN KELLY’S BEDSIDE. Literally, my skull was vibrating in time with the monotone murmurs from outside.

“Let’s just throw a brick at his car.”

“NO. WE CANNOT THROW A BRICK AT HIS CAR.” Henry is so fucking quick to snuff out all of my brilliant solutions.

By now it was after midnight. My next plan was to go downstairs, whip open the front door, and stare at him menacingly from my front door. Except that I didn’t have my contacts in and all I could see was a maroon blob that was presumably the source of the commotion. I flicked the porch light on and off several times, hoping he would catch on to my impromptu signal for STFU AND GET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE YOU CUNT.

This didn’t work so I threw on a coat and was ready to go out and confront this motherfucker face-to-face. Henry was quickly trying to get dressed in case he needed to follow me out and actually, god forbid, protect me. 

I had two strategies in mind:

  1. Go out with proverbial guns blazing and scream my face at him
  2. Fill him with guilt by sweetly telling him that my sick baby was trying to sleep and THIS GUY’S RADIO kept waking him up. I mean, Chooch was a baby once. And he’s kind of sick right now?

But then we discussed this and Henry convinced me that a personal visit was probably not safe because what if it escalated and knowing me, it would probably escalate. When I reach this level of irrational anger, I am a completely different person and feel invincible and want to fight the fucking world. And this guy’s talk radio was pushing me to let Erratic Erin out to play.

I HATE THAT I CAN’T EVEN BE MAD WITHOUT THE RISK OF GETTING SHOT NOW.

“Ew, are you wearing Chooch’s shoes?” Henry asked as he noticed my Midnight Confrontation Costume: winter jacket, bare legs, Chooch’s tennis shoes.

And then I realized that EW GROSS yes I was wearing Chooch’s shoes WITH NO SOCKS time to burn my feet off.

But before the feet-incineration, I started pressuring Henry to just call the police.

“ISN’T THAT WHAT THOSE BASTARDS ARE THERE FOR? SO PEOPLE LIKE US, HARMLESS CITIZENS, DON’T HAVE TO RISK GETTING A FIST IN THE FACE BY CONFRONTING PEOPLE ON THEIR OWN?”

Plus, it was now 1:00am. That guy could have cruised up to our house straight from the bar, who the hell knows.

So Henry, knowing that his night was over no matter what option was chosen, reluctantly called the police and made the most petty complaint of all time, right next to when our other neighbor called the police because someone’s car was blocking the driveway by a centimeter and a beaten-down cop had to go door-to-door to find the owner of the car.

After Henry made the call, we went back up to bedroom to see if anyone would actually come. Henry’s your basic middle-aged white man-bitch who has the police scanner app on his phone, so that was turned on with a quickness. There was lots of reporting of a girl in red pants and a green shirt running through traffic on the Liberty Bridge, clearly one of Santa’s elves, so that was exciting. Then we heard the dispatcher bleep in about an ordinance call from our address and we perked up.

“I’m in Brookline,” some copper chimed in and we were all OH SHIT ITS ON. Well, I was all OH SHIT ITS ON. Henry was too busy stepping inside his ever-growing frown with a bindle stuffed with his balls and a few issues of Good Housekeeping, and hitching a ride to What Have I Done? Town.

Within minutes, a cop car rolled by slowly, inspecting the scene.

Before that cop had a chance to turn around, another cop pulled up and stopped across the street, shining a light at the PERP.

Then another cop rolled up with lights blazing, and by then the first cop had turned around and come back so now there were three police cars outside our house, shining lights at the perp’s car.

Seconds later, the guy’s radio went quiet and the cops were gone.

“Good job, Erin,” Henry mumbled. “Now we’re marked as the house who makes petty police calls.”

“You should have given them Hot Naybor Chris’s name and address! They’re used to getting those calls from over there,” I laughed, and then spent the next 10 minutes cracking the fuck up while Henry tried in vain to fall asleep.

“Wait—I think I hear it again!” I yelled.

Henry looks out the window and said, “Well he’s not even there anymore, so….”

I guess at that point, the noise was just embedded in my ear drums.

But just to summarize:

Amount of cops sent when a lunatic was trying to bash in my old neighbor Boots’ door last year, threatening to kill him: 0

Amount of cops sent last night when we called about a car parked in front of our house for over an hour with the radio blasting at 1am: 3

Dec 162017
 

Today is Saturday and here are some snaps of Drew. Yes, Penelope is still here but she has been avoiding the paparazzi. So, just Drew. (Also, please enjoy my sick bed-making skills up there. I AM A DOMESTIC GODDESS.)

(This is rare because our bed usually is never made. We live like college students over here on Pioneer Ave, you guys. Come sit on the floor with us and eat ramen some night.)

She is still very much Chooch’s cat (that is, no one else can hold her but him) but she and I have developed our own little thing together in which I stand behind a wall and pop my head around the corner, make eye contact with her, then slowly retreat. She gets REALLY UPSET ABOUT THIS and will slowly creep toward me while making squirrel noises.

It even works if I just sit on the couch with a pillow over my face, like some strange game of peek-a-boo. Chooch is so pissed because finally something that doesn’t include him!!

I had the day off yesterday (it’s my yearly rush to use up my extra PTO before I lose it) so Drew and I had a lot of time together. It was an exhausting day of ruining Chooch’s puzzle, knocking a brand new candle off the table & shattering it thirty seconds after I put it there, climbing on Trudy & almost toppling her, and relearning the sights and sounds of the kitchen like she hasn’t lived here for two years. Honestly, she and Penelope both acted like they had never seen the kitchen before when I was in there making coffee Friday morning, and were too afraid to even cross the threshold!? Finally they came in, all jumpy and skittish, and then slowly remembered, “Oh, this is the room before the back porch that we have walked around in a million times in the last two years.” And then Celine Dion started singing.

Gotta go, Henry just came home from spray-painting new-to-us dining room chairs which need to be done BY DECEMBER 30TH, IT’S CRUNCH TIME MOTHERFUCKER, and I think he wants to dance to Kpop with me because I just overheard him singing along to “If You Do” by Got7.

Dec 152017
 

I’m off work today and yet here I am, writing about work. Here are a few Reporting From Work moments that I want to remember, because these things always help remind me that at the end of the day, office life is alright. Except for…

The Great, Horrible G-Dragon Kidnapping

Late Wednesday afternoon, Wendy and Sue were talking to me at my desk, probably about how fantastic I am, or maybe that’s what was talking about, when Sue noticed my BIGBANG coffee cup. Wendy said, “Yeah, show Sue that other G-Dragon thing you have on your desk,” referring to the vinyl thingie that I bought at H-Mart and once adorned the G-Dragon Countdown calendar that Lori made:

I used to have him taped to the side of my computer monitor, but then he kept falling so now I just leave him to the left of my keyboard. I instinctively reached for him to show Sue, but my hand GRASPED NOTHING BUT EMPTY DESK-TOP. That was weird, I thought. I never move him from that spot. So I started shuffling things around, yanking drawers open, moving bottles of fake blood out of the way, tossing fake fingers over my shoulder…I even checked in my Fiji Mermaid’s fishbowl.

I immediately accused Wendy of this because she thinks G-Dragon is dumb and was it just a coincidence that she brought up that G-Dragon keepsake? I THINK NOT.

Sue backed away slowly, clearly not wanting to implicate herself in whatever Great American Crime Story I was writing up in my head. Wendy profusely swore that it wasn’t her, and by now word was spreading that G-Dragon was missing mostly because my voice was getting louder and more hysterical by the minute. Todd walked past to go to the refrigerator and I cried, “TODD DO YOU KNOW WHERE MY G-DRAGON IS!?” and he was all, “What G-Dragon?” because now people were conveniently playing dumb and acting like they had NO IDEA what G-Dragon relic I was talking about.

“IT’S THAT VINYL THINGIE OF HIM! FROM WHEN HE WAS AT THE CHANEL FASHION SHOW LAST YEAR!” I kept using this as the clue that was really going to drive it home, jog that person’s memory. Like someone was going to exclaim, “Oh yes! The one of him in that confusing not-quite-beret!” But every single person I said that to just looked at me like I was a crazy person.

Naturally, my next guess was Glenn. I didn’t see it on his desk and I didn’t want to go through his stuff EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE APPARENTLY HAVE NO PROBLEM GOING THROUGH MINE so I started searching in shared areas, like the supply closet, expecting to see GD’s beautiful, shining face peering down at me but NOTHING.

This continued on when I got back to work yesterday. I immediately confronted Glenn and he was actually scared a little, I think. I think he knows better than to ever, EVER, move any G-Dragon artifact from my desk. He swore profusely that it wasn’t him and the fear in his eyes made me believe him. Lauren suggested that maybe it was Aaron, and I started to consider this and then without any evidence at all, I had him pegged as the perp. When I came back from getting water in the kitchen, I noticed that the supply cabinet door was left ajar – a notorious indicator that Aaron had been creeping around. He never shuts that door all the way! So I flung it open and started digging through things again, thinking that maybe I had actually overlooked GD when I was searching that cabinet the day before, and Aaron had come over to see if his work was still in play.

I still didn’t see anything, but I did find some soft Cars-themed balls on the bottom shelf, and Lauren excitedly asked me to throw her one. I thought we were going to have an impromptu game of Monkey in the Middle since this happened near Glenn’s desk, but then she never threw it back to me. I think she wanted it for her dog.

ANYWAY. I went back to my desk and moments later, I could feel Aaron’s presence nearby, so I spun around and hysterically asked, “AARON DID YOU TAKE SOMETHING OF MINE.” He seemed shocked at first but then coyly said, “Maybe…” but he was just playing along and actually had no idea what I was talking about so then I had to describe the missing GD and once again the Chanel fashion show did nothing to help.

“What did it look like again?” Lauren asked me a few minutes later, and I cried, “WHY ARE YOU GOING TO SEND OUT AN EMAIL!?” and she was like, “Um, no, I was just going to ask anyone who walks by….”

Anyway, I never did find him and I’m honestly beginning to think that I probably accidentally moved him somewhere, threw him out (Lord help me) or maybe he was stuck to my purse or something one day when I was leaving and I dropped him outside I AM THE WORST KEEPER OF G-DRAGON. But! At least I can just easily get another one (all the Kpop shops sell those things) and I’m thankful that it wasn’t the GD doll my mom got me, or the GD keychain Maya made me! Those ones are not replaceable.

“Erin’s Not Going to Know.”

Wednesday, while I was running around with my hands in my hair, interrogating people about the whereabouts of G-Dragon, I overheard Wendy say to Jeannie, “Maybe Erin Kelly knows” and Jeannie responded with, “Erin is NOT going to know!” This stopped me in my tracks. Challenge accepted! I called out, “Wait — I might know!” and immediately prayed it wasn’t something work-related that was going to illuminate my dumbness.

So Wendy started with, “Do you know that toy with the ring that goes around your ankle—-”

“SKIP IT!” I cried.

“Yeah! That’s what it is!” Wendy laughed, and I guess Jeannie was looking for one for her niece for Xmas but couldn’t remember what it was called, so then Jeannie and I looked at all of the options on Amazon and I was feeling so sad because I loved my Skip-It unconditionally, and even had one in my early-20s, but it wasn’t as good as the original one from the 80s.

“If it’s something an 11-year-old girl would like, of course Erin would know what it is,” Wendy said and then everyone within earshot got a great laugh out of that WOW SO SOON AFTER G-DRAGON WENT MISSING, EVEN.

Anyway, I kept going on and on about how much I loved Skip-It and how great I was at it, and finally Jeannie was like, “Oh my god, do you want me to buy you one, too?!” and I immediately said yes so I hope she wasn’t joking because I’m going to be waiting for this to appear on my desk every day from now until Christmas.

Secret Santa Reveal

We did our Secret Santa Reveal event yesterday and I am now safe to scream from the hilltops that I was Amber’s Secret Santa! And Wendy was mine! What a perfect scenario!

Of course as luck would have it, neither Amber nor Wendy were in the office yesterday, so Carrie gave me my gift from Wendy and then someone Facetimed Amber and made me open her gift while she watched through the phone and it was pretty awkward like being on a stage except we were standing in an empty hallway.

Amber had coffee/tea, Qdoba, and plants written on her idea list, and I decided to go the tea route because my childhood friend Chris (not of Chronica fame) is a beekeeper and I have been meaning to buy some of his sweet honey (literally!) for some time now. So one of the gifts I put together was tea-themed, with some type of loose-leaf tea blend from India because she likes Indian things, a tall tea cup thing and these little cuties:

Honestly, we got to do a honey sampling and I was like, “Can I move in here? I’ll help you bottle this stuff all day long.”

And then for the last gift, I wanted to combine all three things on her list into one, at which point Chooch suggested getting a tortilla and filling it with dead plant parts and tea bags. I went with my own idea though, sorry Chooch. Maybe if I was BARB’S Secret Santa, I would have used his idea, though.

I topped it off with some of the TOPSHELF, $8.99 a pound mystery candy from the weird international market by my house.

Eastern European Candy PSA

Speaking of weird mystery candy, I also filled up a bag from the $4.99 shelf for the rest of my co-workers to “enjoy” out of the Plastic Pumpkin of International Horrors. I got several that were large and had some generic Disney prince and princess on the wrapper. For some reason, I want to believe that the bigger the better, not sure where I could possibly be getting that from, so I had high expectations for these ones. I treated myself to one yesterday afternoon and immediately turned to Glenn, making the HAVE I BEEN POISONED??? face.

“This might be the WORST candy out of the whole bunch!” I cried. And Lauren just brought back durian toffee from Thailand, so this is a huge statement on my part. Let me try to describe it:

The base looks like a peppermint patty. Just a chocolate circle thing. The top has four small mounds of what I later learned was “cookie biscuit” when Lori read the wrapper out loud. An interesting structure that I was excited to bite into! But inside the chocolate, which by the way was one of the worst attempts at chocolate I’ve ever had, was that awful firm jelly shit that masochistic confectioners like to slip inside candy sometimes. I don’t even know what flavor the jelly was supposed to be. Raspberry perfume? But when shit really got deep was when the notes of the “cookie biscuit” swam to the forefront of my palate. I couldn’t imagine what I was tasting, but it was familiar. And not a flavor you want in your mouth when you’re eating something sweet. I was standing up at this point, unsure if I should spit it out, google the Poison Control number, write a letter to the President of the Ukraine and demand that the inventor of this candy be incarcerated.

And that’s when I realized that the taste in my mouth WAS BLEU CHEESE.

Chocolate candy with a bleu cheese aftertaste!!! NO, UKRAINE. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

***

Well, that was going to be the end of my work update, but then I was getting ready to leave the house to walk to the post office, I put my hand in my coat pocket and wondered what the strangely-shaped object was that my hand had grazed, and this is what I pulled out:

BUT HOW!? Either I did this by accident (but I honestly don’t remember and there was nothing else in that pocket that could have potentially been next to it on my desk that I would have intentionally grabbed while accidentally grabbing G-Dragon at the same time) or SOMEONE IS SABOTAGING MY SANITY. I’m off work today but you can believe that this investigation is far from over.

(Also thank god he turned up because I couldn’t remember what these figures are called when I was trying to find one online to buy.)

Dec 132017
 

It’s snowing in Pittsburgh so I feel that sharing this song is apropos and #moodAF. I watched the video this morning before walking to the T so that was two days in a row I had mascara running down my face before work.

Zion.T is so good. Chooch and I saw him at KCON last spring and he was such a golden highlight.

This song makes me miss living in my childhood home that had two fire places. I feel so cold and sad. But I’ll be okay.

Dec 122017
 

Bulletpoints for any chingu of mine who’s into that shit. (That originally said “whose” because I AM SO SMRTZ.)

  • Secret Santa started today! I’m not really into Christmas this year but I did sign up for Secret Santa because it’s good old-fashioned office fun and we could definitely used that shit up in here always. I already mentioned that I’m happy with who I got and I put a lot of thought in my choices. So today, I got in and there was nothing on my desk. That’s OK! Some people work different shifts so this happens. I got up, made some coffee, talked to Carrie for a bit, and came back to my desk. “Aw, there’s still nothing here!” I cried to Glenn like a baby, but then I noticed a red gift bag on the floor next to my desk! I was so excited! I started tearing out tufts of tissue paper and unearthed a Kenneth Cole toiletry bag. I thought it was weird that it was a standard camel-colored leather and not like, flamingo pink or gold glittered, which is my style, but I loved it nevertheless! I opened it and tore out the compacted wads of stuffing while regaling Glenn with a tale from my golden youth. Here I’ll tell you:
    • My grandma had this friend, JEAN ARSONEUX, who once gave me a white purse when I was around 5 years old, and when I opened it, it was chockablock of small toys and things like Bonne Bell lipgloss and what was that kids’ nail polish called that peeled off? That stuff, too. So then I just assumed that all purses came stuffed with things but SADLY this has not happened to me again. The end.
  • Back to Secret Santa. I was showing Glenn my new bag and said, “YOU KNOW WHAT I’M GOING TO DO WITH THIS? TAKE IT TO KOREA WITH ME AND FILL IT WITH KOREAN BEAUTY PRODUCTS!” and then Glenn said something about hoping I get stopped by TSA and that reminded me of ANOTHER story from when I was 11….
    • ….and got food poisoning in Rome, Italy and my aunt Sharon went down to the hotel restaurant to get me rolls and other starchy things for breakfast so I wouldn’t puke. I mean, this was the last day of vacation but it still went down in history as the Time Erin Ruined Vacation which would make family members ask, “Wait, but which time though?” Anyway, we left Italy the next day to go home and Sharon got whisked off into some holding cell/interrogation room because SHE FORGOT TO TAKE THE BUTTER KNIFE OUT OF HER PURSE from the hotel and it turned into a whole terrorist thing and my pappap was so pissed and Sharon was crying and I was cracking up and frantically scribbling all of this down in my travel journal and my grandma was all, “OH HONESTLY SHARON AND ERIN!!!” Spoiler: Sharon got to come home with us.
  • Seriously, back to Secret Santa for real this time. A few minutes later, [REDACTED UNTIL SECRET SANTA IS OVER] came over and was all, “Can you put that bag on [REDACTED UNTIL SECRET SANTA IS OVER]’s desk for me?” And I was like, “So this isn’t mine?” And [REDACTED] was all, “No, sorry, I thought you were in the kitchen and went in there to tell you, but you weren’t there” and I was like, “No because I was over here OPENING A PRESENT THAT WASN’T MINE!” So then we had to take the tissue out of my garbage can and restuff the toiletry bag that isn’t mine.

  • I accidentally took a puzzle piece to work with me the other day and I thought Chooch was going to jump out a window. There have been no puzzle updates since the last.
  • Today is our dept holiday food party thing apparently. I had fruit and then a piece of some kind of raspberry bread thing and didn’t even go to the other food tables because I know I have some sort of eating disorder where I’m not anorexic or bulimic but the thought of eating food and gaining weight terrifies me. I mean believe me I still eat like a pig, but it’s mostly all homemade Korean food that Henry makes me which is 50% vegetables, 25% gochujang, and 25% kimchi. Add this to my growing list of issues. :/
    • I eventually went back and made a small plate because I felt guilty for not eating.

  • Speaking of Korean food, we’re going to have bottles of BIGBANG tea for all the lucky guests. And then everyone can keep theirs forever as a souvenir and stick flowers in them like I do at work. (OK I only did that once when Henry sent me flowers to embarrass me and also to apologize for exacerbating my bi-polarism.)
  • This is some linguistic nerd stuff but there is this part of Taemin’s Press Your Number that I always thought was “Girl there’s something about your body body body” because it’s not unusual for Kpop to have some English sprinkled in there. But then I happen to glance at the captions during one of his live performances of that song, and I noticed that it wasn’t “body,” but “바래” which means “hope” according to Google translate which I have learned is not always accurate. I was confused because I thought that the ㄹ sound was something more of an r/l so why was this word pronounced in a way that sounded like “body”?! Then I started thinking about Arirang radio, a Korean radio station I listen to, and how that’s also pronounced with a slight “d” sound (“Ari-dong”) so I was FREAKING OUT and UTTERLY CONFUSED. “Maybe I should ask Talk To Me In Korean to explain it,” I said to Henry before I went to bed last night, after trying to explain this to him. I didn’t do that, because you know how shit like that goes — I got distracted by some Soompi alert or something, I’m sure. BUT YOU GUYS. When I woke up this morning, I looked at my phone and saw THIS – HOW DID THEY KNOW!?!?:

  • Anyway, I watched the video and now I’m even more confused because my tongue is incapable of making all of these intricate sounds I AM SUCH A BARBARIC AMERICAN UGHHH.

  • My top two Instagram posts above were actually videos – that G-Dragon one was viewed like 50,000 times. And the other one is Twice at KCON! I love that the two most-viewed/liked things for me in IG were both Kpop-related because that for sure defined my year and when things got rocky elsewhere in life, at least I had that to fall back on like a warm fucking made-in-Korea blanket.
  • Oh wow, how shocking, another day, another comment from Glenn about a Kpop guy being a “pretty little girl.” Such open-mindedness around here!

  • GUYS LOOK WHAT CAME! MY SECRET SANTA PRESENT! I love it. And this is way more my color-scheme than the brown toiletry bag I thought was mine for 5 minutes. “Good, now you’ll stop whining,” Glenn said and I was like, “Yeah but now you guys have to listen to me be excited and thrilled over my adorable beverage vessels.” And also, I wasn’t whining! I even said that worst case scenario, I would probably just have TWO things to unwrap tomorrow, because I am not an ungrateful brat (just to Henry…and Janna too a little).
    • Lauren just came over and said “What cute vessels!” and I had to pull this up and show her that’s exactly what I called them on my blog! What a strange wavelength.
  • Speaking of Janna! She got a new job right next to my building so now we can like go to lunch or yoga (not yoga) together like real working ladies do.

  • Just sitting here at work sick to my stomach thinking about what’s going in these Alabama elections. Fuck Roy Moore forever.
  • Oh shit one night last week someone with a headlamp knocked on our door so I screamed & ran upstairs because I thought it was a coal miner but it ended up just being a Verizon guy and Henry was all “I can’t talk about your great deal right now, but please come back” & HE DID COME BACK after Henry left for the “store” so then he was out there knocking & I wouldn’t answer because I’m not entirely convinced he wasn’t a coal miner.

  • I was craving soondubu jjigae so Henry was all, “ALRIGHT, I HEAR YOU” and took me to Nak Won Garden for lunch on Saturday and I felt whole again. The playlist they had on was amaze, like being at home – Ailee, IU, Sistar, BTS…in fact, a Korean couple came in and sat down at the table next to us, and in Korean, the girl said, “It’s Bangtan Sondonyeon” to the guy and I was like, “YES – I UNDERSTOOD WHAT SHE SAID.” When the owner brought out the banchan (side dishes), I immediately snatched the kimchi and slid it closer to me and Henry was sad. Henry ordered tonkatsu but did not eat it as handsomely as Taemin.
    • But oh lord, that jjigae was exactly what I had been lusting after and it burnt my tongue in ways I would never usually allow.
    • Mamamoo was playing as we left. Great playlist, Nak Won! It put me in such a great mood for the rest day even though part of the day involved shopping which I hate.
  • But speaking of Saturday, that evening, we moved the furniture out of the living room and had FAMILY KPOPX NIGHT which was the second time this has happened and it is so much fun (for me)! I made an hour-long playlist on YouTube of various k-dance workouts and then we dove right in. Except for Henry, who kind of just hung in the back, flopping around. But at least he didn’t stop moving! I’m trying to get them to do this with me at least once a week but there’s been a bit of push-back.
  • The one thing that has stuck, at least, is that Chooch goes on walks with me everyday. I take at least three walks a day because I’m insane and it helps me calm down when I start to feel like I’m losing control. And Chooch tags along because we always have good conversations BUT THINGS WENT AWRY ON OUR SUNDAY NIGHT WALK. I don’t remember how it happened, but it was in front of the teen outreach center thing where Chooch started to get an attitude with me over cheese sandwiches and I was like WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, I ATE WHAT MY MOM MADE ME FOR LUNCH YOU’RE SUCH AN ENTITLED JERK and he denied that he was that, so I started walking faster than him because that’s how I act when I’m mad – like a scorned teenager! On our way back home, I yelled, “I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I’M ON MY DEATH BED SO I CAN REMIND YOU OF ALL THE TIMES YOU BROKE MY HEART!” and then he was like, “WHAT IF I DON’T EVEN SHOW UP?!” and then we both started laughing and everything was OK.

  • Drew knocked the candy cane out of Trudy’s hands yesterday morning and she is so lucky she’s Chooch’s cat because her ass would have been out in the street j/k I love cats and can’t stay mad ever.
  • It’s cold out today and snowing so Glenn was barely outside on his break. When I was getting ready to go out for mine (I try to spend my lunch hour walking around town no matter what the weather is like) I asked Glenn how long he was out for. He said about 10 minutes so I was like, “OK, then I’ll try for 12 so I can beat you.” I went outside and called Henry who was like, “Why are you outside, fool?? It’s cold!” and I told him I had to outlast Glenn. He was like, “Wow” and then I talked to him for 25 minutes about everything I hate today before yelling, “OMG I JUST FELL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!” and then my phone died because the cold air kills it every time, and I didn’t get a chance to tell Henry that I didn’t actually fall, I just ALMOST fell. Now he’s probably pacing, wondering if I’m dead in the middle of whatever road that is that’s a pretty popular road because it’s downtown but I don’t know road names. Oh well, I guess he’ll find out if he ever reads this blog post. (He won’t.)
  • In case you were wondering if Smokey Robinson is still alive, he is. I know this because Henry and I had a mild argument about it over the weekend and I won.
  • On our walk Friday night, Chooch blurted out, “I’m so glad you’re not a Pinterest Mom.” Same, Chooch. Same. Also, that was a nicer walk than Sunday’s.
  • Oh shit, did I tell you that I finally got half of deep-cleaning done at the dentist last week, and I’m not, in fact, losing my teeth? I know this because I asked the hygienist and she was like, “NO! Why do you keep asking that, calm down.”

  • Oh you guys, my phone just turned back on and look at the texts from Henry, HE ACTUALLY CARES.
  • One day last week, I was in Rock n’ Joe’s for a chai latte. I don’t normally go there because it just doesn’t really do it for me, BUT two of the nearby Crazy Mochas were fucking packed with people like really, at 2:30pm? Come the fuck on! I almost never have to wait in line for coffee/chai. So Rock n’ Joe’s it was. As I was waiting for my chai, “Sex & Candy” came on and I was like, “*BARRAGE OF MARCY MEMORIES*” But then the barista started singing it in front of me and I just lost all control of my filter and blurted out, “MY CAT WAS NAMED AFTER THIS BAND & I’M ABOUT TO CRY” because I’m either cripplingly introverted or flinging out unfiltered facts willy-nilly, no in between “Aw…well, um, that wasn’t our intention,” the barista said, like I was going to sue them or something. As I walking out, I heard one of the other baristas ask her what all that was about and she was like, “CRAZY CAT LADY ALERT” I don’t know, I couldn’t hear. I mean, at least I didn’t show her my tattoo but that’s mostly because I was wearing a coat.
  • I was going to tell another lunch break story but then remembered LUNCH BREAK TALES so maybe I should just wait until I have more tales to tell and then we’ll do that.

OK, I’m over 2,000 words and none of this is great.

Dec 112017
 

Hey, today wasn’t terrible but as far as Mondays go, it was up there with some of the Monday-est. I think I have some major holiday blues. I’m stressed and bitter and I just can’t wait for it all to be over.

At least a new Twice MV was released today though so I got to watch that before work, and then just now Henry was walking out of the room during a live performance of Taemin’s “Press Your Number” and he was trying to be cute by dancing (I think that’s what that was) except that he tripped over the coffee table so that was a nice good laugh that I sincerely needed.

OK I’m going to do sit-ups now or something because the only time I don’t feel like I’m going to punch a hole through the wall is when I’m exercising or watching Kpop videos or, my favorite, both at once.

안녕하세요!

Dec 102017
 

During our daily walks around the ‘hood, I’ve been learning a lot about Chooch’s life outside of our house. Sometimes I wish I could shadow him for a day because he tells me these stories and I’m like WHO ARE YOU.

So this post will be interspersed with stories and facts, because I’m going to force him to answer some questions.

Such as:

Question: What’s your current favorite song?

Answer: “New Rules” by Dua Lipa

Mr. Gray & Cindy

Chooch is friends with this younger kid down the street, we’ll just call him Pita for anonymity purposes, and also because Henry has him as a contact in his phone as Pain in the Ass. Anyway, every time he comes home from hanging out with Pita, it starts out the same: PITA AND I HAD A FIGHT BECAUSE [insert some awful injustice served to Chooch].

Last weekend, he came home and started immediately with, “Pita is so annoying! I was walking Mr. Gray—”

“Whoa,” I interrupted him. “Who the fuck is Mr. Gray?”

“Cindy’s cat,” Chooch shrugged, desperate to continue his tale of woe.

“Who’s Cindy?!” I asked, and when Chooch said she lives next to Pita, I realized she’s the same lady whose old cat Teddy knocked up my cat Marcy back in 1999, which is how Don and Willie came to be. (RIP to all.) So I kind of know her.

Turns out, Cindy pays Chooch 75 cents to walk her cat and on this particular day, it was because she was trying to eat breakfast and Mr. Gray was bothering her.

I don’t remember what about this situation caused Chooch and Pita to fight because I was too fixated on Chooch getting paid to walk a cat named Mr. Gray.

Also re:Cindy, Chooch told me that he recently mentioned to her that her old cat Teddy was the dad to two of our now-deceased cats and she denied the probability of it which is confusing to me because that’s the only interaction I’ve had with her, was when we were talking about being kind of related now because of our cats and it was like such a cute Stars Hollow moment but now she’s acting like this is an incredibly non-truth. Is she suddenly worried I’m going to ask for back kitten support??

Question: What is your current favorite Kpop song?

Answer: “Wolf” – EXO

Chooch vs. Greensleeves

Chooch’s school has this thing called the Trifecta Awards, which happens twice a year (I think?). It’s based on grades, perfect attendance, and citizenship, whatever that means. Chooch has won it multiple times, including this current time, but the ceremony is during the school day so Henry and I couldn’t attend. Chooch reminded us all last week that we’re shitty parents (duh) and mentioned in passing that he also played the piano during the ceremony, which was news to me. He said he played Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy and Greensleeves, and we left it at that, but then earlier today he casually said, “I only played half of Greensleeves and then said, ‘That’s all I know. Bye’ and left the stage.”

WOW THAT’S MY SON, LADIES & GENTS.

Question: Do you think the Mexican taco cart guy likes me?

Answer: I don’t know. You’re obsessed. Yes, sure.

Rob’s Firecrackers

One night a few weeks ago, Chooch came barging in the house. “Rob’s in his backyard lighting firecrackers with a cigarette!” he panted. Chooch is always on Neighborhood Watch and in this particular instance, he was on the hunt for Pita, because Pita’s mom didn’t know where he was. Anyway, he found Pita with Rob, who has lived on this street longer than me but I never knew his name until Chooch became such a boy about town and befriended everyone in Brookline. The first time I learned who Rob was when Chooch casually told me that Rob pays him five bucks to help carry the groceries in the house for his wife, who is Chooch’s neighbor nemesis, maybe even more so than Larry.

“I have to go tell [Pita]’s mom that I found him,” Chooch yelled as the door was shutting behind him. Then he came back and asked where our leftover firecrackers were because Rob’s wife wasn’t home (Chooch calls her the Witch because she yells at him for being in his yard all the time and I’m kind of like relishing this payback because when I first moved here, her son was Chooch’s age and he TERRORIZED ME) and Chooch wanted to join in the pyro-action while he had the chance. So he collected some small firecrackers we had and then split.

Did I mention that this is the same guy whose house was on fire a few months ago?

Fun fact: Rob’s wife is Cindy’s sister!

Fun fact #2: Chooch still has all his phalanges and eyebrows.

Bus Driver Beef

In addition to the lunch lady, the gym teacher, and the librarian at the Brookline public library, we can now add GIFTED SCHOOL BUS DRIVER to the list of Chooch’s on-going beefs. He told me last week that he was sitting with Dang (pronounced: Den; he’s Vietnamese) and Dang kept pushing him so that he was nearly falling out of the seat. He pushed Chooch off the seat once; the bus driver looked in the mirror and GLARED AT HIM (his words — he’s telling me the story again as I type this), and then focused her eyers back onto the road. Then she kept making VERY SHARP TURNS and it was so rough that he fell off the seat AGAIN and she looked in the mirror AGAIN and glared even WORSE. And then she did it again and he fell off the seat AGAIN. She looked in the  mirror again and yelled, “IF YOU FALL OFF YER SEAT ONE MORE TIME, I’M GONNA MAKE YOU SIT UP HERE WITH ME SO YOU CAN’T FALL OFF YER SEAT.” He wants you to read this to yourself with a strong Pittsburghese accent, you guys. Chooch looked at her and rolled his eyes and went back to the convo he was having with Dang. I fell off again and she looked in the mirror again and glared the worst yet but she didn’t make him sit with her. They finally got to the gifted center and when he walked past her to get off the bus, he said, “I wasn’t falling off on purpose.”

“YES YOU WERE. NO ONE ELSE WAS FALLING OFF THEIR SEAT!”

He hopped off the stairs and said, “‘No bitch, it was your fucking driving,’ Just kidding, I didn’t say that. I said, ‘It wasn’t my fault’,”

And that was Chooch’s story in his words but written by me.

Question: What question should I ask you?

Answer: I’m not answering questions about questions!

Question: OK favorite hobby I guess.

Answer: Right now it’s pretty much playing games on Kongregate.com.

Puzzle Update

The puzzle is still not finished. Chooch spends more time re-piecing the parts that the cats have demolished that actually assembling any new sections. I was on the phone with Henry during my lunch break on Thursday when he said, “Oh, wait for it….wait for…” and suddenly I heard a blood-curdling scream in the background. Apparently, Chooch had come home from school and found his puzzle in even worse condition and had a mental breakdown over it. So then I had to stand there in the middle of downtown with the phone to my ear while he and Henry fought about the puzzle because Chooch was mad that Henry saw the puzzle in such a state and didn’t try to fix it and Henry shouted, “IT’S NOT MY FUCKING PUZZLE!” so now we’re about to have a fucking family meeting (maybe even in a courthouse at this point) to come up with a solution because Henry wants the puzzle off the table but there are no other tables to move it onto so Chooch suggested buying a card table to put on the backporch so that the cats won’t bother it when it’s unsupervised because we can close the door, but Henry doesn’t want to buy a table and I personally don’t care either way because I lost interest in the puzzle a day after we got it. Actually, probably that same night.

So that’s where we are with that.

Question: Are you embarrassed of Trudy?

Answer: No she looks badass now with the gas mask because you can’t see her stupid face.

Question: when did you stop believing in Santa?

Answer: I either watched a video or you guys accidentally did something, I can’t remember.

(I probably told him in the middle of a fight haha.)

Well, we’re both bored with this now and I want to do jumping jacks so goodbye.

Dec 082017
 

I just decided to do this now at 9:37 so let me quickly catch you up on the riveting events you missed. Keep checking back for more! YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN ESPECIALLY ON MY LUNCH BREAK.

  • I watched Taemin perform “Day & Night” on Music Bank whole Chooch made puzzle pieces soggy with his tears.
  • I texted Henry death threats because he left a shoe in the middle of the floor and also made me walk to the trolley in 20 degree weather.
  • I purposely wore a navy blue lightweight thermal shirt to work today because I bought this adorable cape to wear over top of it but as soon as I shut the front door behind me I realized I left the cape on the couch and YOU KNOW HOW I CANT UNLOCK MY DOOR. Ugh, the tragedy that is my life.
  • Came to work and in lieu of any morning salutations, I dove right into my cape-tastrophe. “IT HAS BUNNIES ON IT AND THE HOOD HAS BUNNY EARS” I cried. “That sounds like my three-year-old’s bath towel,” Glenn worthlessly chimed in. “YEAH WELL MY CAPE IS FROM CHINA!” I yelled. “So is her bath towel probably.” Ugh.

9:51am: We just picked our Secret Santa names and I am so pleased with who I got! SEE I TOLD YOU SOMETHING EXCITING COULD HAPPEN!! I wonder who got my name.

10:09: Today is jeans day and I just want everyone to know it’s because I begged for one yesterday. YOURE WELCOME, COWORKERS.

10:30: We were just talking about the shocking conclusion to my apple thumb saga, because somehow Todd missed the ending and innocently asked for an update, so Glenn got to relive the story about my bandaids being on too tight.

11:30: I picked a boring day to liveblog. I should have done it yesterday when Lori was wearing a cool pair of vintage 90s chunky-heeled boots she found and then realized halfway through the morning that they were disintegrating and she was leaving boot crumbs all over the department. I suggested that we try to rebuild the soles with the leftover bling I have from the G-Dragon table, but then she realized that the bottoms of the soles were jacked too so there went that great idea. :(

11:33: I wonder how many times people catch me sitting at my desk, silently mouthing along to Korean Instagram captions and then quietly celebrating when I’m able to understand what it says.

11:36: Glenn is eating his lunch. I bet it’s a bologna sandwich.

12:24: Now I’m eating my lunch too. I almost always just have Cream of Wheat because it’s something easy that I can handle. Today, I’m eating it with a banana and honey, as well. I usually put cinnamon in there but THERE IS NONE LEFT IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN. I’m not sure if this is supplied by the firm because there has always been cinnamon in  the kitchen in the entire 7 years I’ve been here, sometimes two things of cinnamon even, and now…none. This is worse than when we ran out of the honey that Gayle brought in and I had to go out and get my OWN HONEY to keep in my desk and now cinnamon too? When will it end?! I can’t handle these grocery issues.

12:50: This is my current desktop background because I’m 14

Everyone here just ignores it now. That’s for the best.

1:02: I hope my Secret Santa gets me a Korean tutor.

1:40: Glenn just came back in from outside. I asked him if it was super cold and he said “just like it was this morning” but I couldn’t remember what it was like this morning at first until I scrolled up and re-read the first part of this blog post. ALL HAIL THE POWER OF LIVEBLOGS. Speaking of weather, here’s an actual convo that happened Tuesday on the elevator:

Me: Tomorrow is supposed to be really nice!

Tracy: I thought it was gonna be cold?

Me: I dunno I just saw a big sun when I checked.

Lauren: Do we need to teach you how to understand weather forecasts?

I’m just really bad with weatherly things.

2:10: I’m at Gasoline Street getting a maple brown sugar latte and I hate everyone in line with me because The Postal Services cover of Against All Odds is on & I’m tryna listen to it. Instead I have to listen to these bitches are talking about how bright their futures are and I’m like let me help darken that shit for you.

2:43: I’m back from my lunchtime walk. Here are some things that happened, in addition to the coffee-getting:

  • Henry and I had a huge fight on the phone over pizzelles! He acted all shocked when I said I didn’t like them so that’s nice to know that after 16 years, he’s ignored this huge, defining fact about me. He was like, “Why don’t you like them?” and I’m all (cover your eyes, pizzelle-lovers, because I know you’re out there in droves gunning for me right now), “You mean besides the fact that they’re the peasants of cookies?” and he was all, “HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT” like he’s some 90-year-old Italian bitch selling them on the street so she doesn’t lose her cottage. Then he went on to gush about how much he loves them and I was like, “Of course you do, because you have the palate of a fucking Pilgrim” and people near me on the street where like wtf is this girl jawing off about.
  • I accidentally littered and there were witnesses!! I was running across the street (I jaywalk now sometimes, can you believe it?) and the top of my (empty) latte blew off and I was torn between stopping to pick it up and continuing on to the sidewalk before getting smashed by a car. So I let the latte lid get smashed by the car instead and I felt terrible. I even yelled, “I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST LITTERED” and people at the nearby bus stop were like, “OK.”
  • Some guy with a big beard wearing a blue hoodie and carrying a backpack definitely stuffed with hacky-sacks waved merrily to me, like he was the Santa of headshops. I waved back. I’m not always a bitch. (This sighting wasn’t a coincidence because it happened in front of that weird stoner coffee shop.)

3:52: Sorry, I was doing work. But then I sold a BTS Christmas card! I feel so blessed. I love my Kpop Kards line.

4:18: Approximately two more hours before I get to meet Barb for dinner! AND I AM REALLY HUNGRY. Also I think that offices should have soft rock playing gently from the ceiling at all times, because it gets too quiet in here and then maybe the real Against All Odds will come on and everyone will unite in a shared love of Phil Collins.

  • Speaking of Against All Odds, Chooch came home from piano lessons last weekend and cried, “GUESS WHAT SONG I’M LEARNING!?” and here is a picture even though you’ve already guessed:

Chooch has the coolest/best piano teacher ever, sorry to you other piano teachers out there.

5:26: ALMOST TIME TO LEAVE. This day was fine until the last hour when some dumb project came in at the last minute, stupid work, just kidding I love my job.

8:17: Hi guys I just came home from dinner with BARB! We went to Gianna Via’s and I uncovered some new information about Barb:

  • Barb “discovered” salmon at McCormicks and Schmicks.
  • There was a guy there in a plaid shirt that Barb kept staring at and murmuring about. “Oh, he must work here,” she said at one point and I blurted out WHY, DO YOU LIKE HIM? “No!” she cried defensively. “I said that he looks like someone I used to work with!” That means she likes him. Whenever it was time to leave, she was taking her good old time getting her stuff together so I made it to the door before her. As I was standing there waiting, I watched her walk past Plaid Shirt and TALK TO HIM! I was so excited to point this out when she walked over to the door and she (again, defensively) yelled, “I JUST WANTED TO LOOK AT HIM UP CLOSE TO SEE IF I KNEW HIM!” She likes him.

I had to take a picture of us before we left, for liveblogging purposes, and Barb was excited to wear her new sunglasses for the picture. OH BARB. Also, I made Barb look at a gif of Taemin eating and she was not impressed.

Now Chooch and I are walking to CVS so maybe I will have more liveblog fodder when I get back, you just never know.

8:48: Brookline sidewalk shrimp.

9:02: Oh hi Chooch and I are back from our nightly walk about the town. I had a lovely conversation with my favorite CVS clerk, John, while he rung me up. We talked about how we can never phone numbers, but he can remember his best friend’s number and had to call him once to ask him for his own cell phone number because he forgot it and I told him that I can’t remember any phone number from the last decade, yet I still remember my grandparents’ landline that I haven’t used in like 20 years.

Also, Chooch randomly blurted out, “I’m so glad you’re not a Pinterest Mom.” Same, Chooch. Same.

Then! I saw my Mexican taco cart boyfriend and got my hand stuck in my coat pocket when I was trying to wave hello to him and Chooch was like “wow you’re so slick.” Then Chooch was rejected when he asked to pet someone’s dog and I secretly rejoiced because his dog-petting is such a burden to me; it puts me in awkward social positions where I feel forced to then make small talk with the dog owner and I hate it I just hate it ugh.

But now we’re home, annoying Henry, and I’m probably going to sign off for the night because it’s KPOPX TIME, WHUT WHUT.

Wow, another pointless liveblog! You’re welcome.

Dec 072017
 

The other day, Taemin announced another comeback for this year and my heart burst! His Move album is being repackaged with 4 new songs and one of them was released today with a video on Naver, which was posted RIGHT BEFORE I LEFT FOR WORK so I got to watch it and weep.

I love it.

I also love that I have totally pulled Henry down into this with me.

Me: I like Taemin better with dark hair though what about you?

Henry, sighing as his Man Card wafts away into the ether: I guess.

He even admitted, without thinking about it, that his favorite Taemin song is “Move.”

We have so much fun in our house, you guys, but strangers would probably be like THE FUCK YOU PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT. For instance, today I was like, “OMG I forgot that Minho was on that one episode of Running Man where Ji-Hyo was force-feeding Gwangsoo jajangmyeon” and Henry was all, “Oh yeah, I remember that one” and then laughed to himself at the memory of it.

Even when I said, “Instead of a Christmas party, let’s just have a small Korean dinner party after the holidays”, he was like, “Yay sounds good.” But then when I created the dinner party event thing via Facebook Messenger, I had to get Janna to add henry because I still have him blocked and the last time I logged in to unblock him, I got distracted and never finished, and then I didn’t realize that I was reactivating my fucking account ON MY BIRTHDAY so then it looked like I was being an attention whore, which I am of course, but only accidentally that time. Ugh, stress.

I think this is the closest and most shared-interest-y Henry and I have ever been. It only took 16 years!

Dec 072017
 

Recently, I have been going through a creative drought. Maybe not even so much a drought, but I just haven’t felt like creating anything. I am so distracted by other hobbies and interests now that I was starting to wonder if maybe my ship has sailed, maybe the “making things” part of my life is over? But then a few months ago, on a whim,  I added several Kpop cards to my non compos cards shop on Etsy, which is a stark contrast to my line of seasonal serial killer greets, but you know me: LIKE A FUCKING ONION.

(Layers, etc.)

I thought maybe they were just one-offs, but then last week, I felt inspired again and I can’t believe it didn’t occur to me sooner to meld Kpop and my card-making together, because I haven’t felt this excited to make shit in a long time! And the best part is that some of them are so cringey that it makes Chooch want to puke, and that’s my litmus test right there. I love Kpop A LOT, so this is the softer side of the serial killer greeting card e-boutique. Where else can you buy a Valentine with the sinister Ramirez sneer and a birthday card spilling over with the angelic glisten of G-Dragon’s perfect freakin’ face?

Just a disclaimer: Our cards are made with love and care. Each one is made to order: printed on high-quality paper and then adhered to sturdy card-stock (color varies per card) – this isn’t some quick print-and-fold job! That’s why our prices are a bit higher than other greeting cards you may see around Etsy. Henry takes his job as card assembly line VERY SERIOUSLY and has it down to such a science that anytime I try to help, I fuck up the whole process. So if we ever divorce (LOL just kidding I mean BREAK UP), I’ll either have to close the shop or start hand-drawing my cards on construction paper because our printer beats me every time.

Anyway, here are all of the ones I have made so far, please feel free to purchase many and often!

BTS BANGTAN ANGELS

Guys, we got RM, Jungkook, Jimin, Jin, J-Hope, V, and Suga floating about on this card like the freaking bangtan angels they are, This could be the one Christmas card you send that doesn’t get thrown away after the holidays. Any Kpop fan in your life is guaranteed to be filled with mirth and cheer with this angelic BTS Christmas card, even if they don’t stan them.

BTS is taking over the world, help them take over the fireplace mantel Christmas card collections, too! The inside is blank, lots of room to practice your Hangeul!

Comes with an envelope. I’m always afraid that there will be that one time Henry forgets to include an envelope and then all my envelope jokes will come back to bite me.

GOT7 Christmas Card!

Can you imagine Santa rolling up to your house in a sleigh full of Kpop idols? THAT IS THE ULTIMATE CHRISTMAS WISH. Well, for some people, anyway. And if you know someone who might have that wish, or at the very least loves Got7, then you should send them this card. The inside says, very succinctly, “Merry Christmas.”

Comes with an envelope because the last time I tried to mail a card in an empty sardine can, it was sent back to me. :(

G-Dragon Santa!!

Ugh, can you imagine sitting on G-Dragon’s lap….I mean HI GUYS here I am peddling another Christmas card! If you have a friend who likes Kpop, then this is the perfect card for them. I mean, G-Dragon dressed as Santa…that’s some merry fantasy.

Front of the card says “ho ho ho” in Hangeul. Inside says “Hope you have a zutter Christmas.” Zutter means “dope” in Korean, but it’s actually pronounced more like jjuttah. It’s also the name of a song that G-Dragon did with T.O.P.! (BTS also has a song called “Dope,” but in the song, they say zutter.) See how educational these cards are?

Comes with an envelope. G-Dragon is unfortunately not included. :(

SHINee Christmas (cringe) card!

This card has just the right amount of Christmas cringe! It’s sure to be appreciated by any Kpop lover you have in your life, especially if they like SHINee (and how can you like Kpop without liking SHINee?!). The inside is a dorky play on one of their more popular songs “Ring Ding Dong” and my 11-year-old son was so repulsed when he read it and called me an embarrassment, and THAT is how I know this card is a winner!

This card comes with an envelope, and not just because I’m all in the holiday spirit or whatever, but because all of my cards come with envelopes.

Speaking of cringe-tastic SHINee cards, here’s a Valentine featuring just Taemin which also made Chooch throw up in his mouth:

Taemin Valentine!

When I made this card, I woke up my 11-year-old son to show him, and his spirited review was, “I hate you.” That’s how I know this card is great! The cringier the better, am I right, you guys?

If you’re into Kpop, or know anyone who is, this card is guarenteed to get a great reaction because hello, what set of working eyeballs in this world don’t enjoy feasting upon the flesh-masterpiece that is LEE TAEMIN?

There’s plenty of space inside to scribble some fingerhearts or write secret love messages in Hangeul. Plus, it comes with an envelope because we don’t skimp here at noncomposcards.

Inside:

I know I already posted this one on here but I wanted to look at his pretty face again, so shut up.

 

Speaking of Valentines!

Apink Mr. Chu Valentine/Love/Anniversary card!

I told Henry I want a Mr. Chu for Valentine’s Day and he didn’t answer me because he was napping as usual. So I will not be giving him this card. But perhaps you have someone in mind who naps less and pays more attention than my ever-exhausted elderfriend! Then this card would work for you. Anyway, this is a nice Apink Valentine for someone you know who likes kpop.

It comes with an envelope that you can slip a house key in or whatever. I don’t know what you kids do these days.

The inside says “I’m falling, falling for your love.” Obviously. (Side note: “Mr. Chu” was one of the first KpopX routines I ever did two years ago so it will always feel special to me!)

BTS “Save Me” Valentine/Love/Anniversary Card

Valentine’s Day, Anniversary, Just Because…show your favorite Kpop-lovin’ person you love them with this adorable BTS-as-cherubs cards. The inside has lyrics from “Save Me” but can also be blank or customized – just let me know in “note to seller.” The inside says “I need your love before I fall, fall.” Ugh, just go listen to the song!

Comes with an envelope in case you don’t feel like hand-delivering this fine piece of Korean art.

A funny/cute/adorable thing to note about this card is that Henry was helping me cut out all of the faces, and he had each one saved individually as their name, so like Jin.psd, JHope.psd, etc. Henry knows all of their names and I think this is just the sweetest thing in the whole world HENRY LIKES KPOP PASS IT ON.

Birthdays exist too! Here are some cards for that:

BIGBANG birthday card!

This was the first kpop card I made over the summer! Let the boys of BIGBANG do all the heavy-lifting birthday-wishing for you with the most beautiful, Heaven-sent card for any Kpop fan!

As always, this card comes with an envelope that could probably be used as a face mask afterward, with way less benefits of a legit Korean brand, though.

BTS “Jams” Birthday Card

The perfect card for kpop lovers! Let your best BTS friend know that you’re wishing them lots of fun, er, jams, on their special day. No explanation needed for BTS fans, but this is kind of tricky to explain for anyone else because it’s a play on a Korean word and there was a whole meme made out of it which was super popular in the kpopsphere. My friend Lizz who has liked kpop way longer than me approved of this card when she saw it, and that’s good enough for me!

This card comes with an envelope. Add a packet of Smuckers at your own risk.

Red Velvet Birthday Card!

I went through a phase where I would snub my nose at any cake that wasn’t red velvet. I try not to be that way with kpop groups, but Red Velvet is seriously one of the best girl groups out there IN MY OPINION. And maybe you know someone who agrees with me and would be downright tickled to receive a birthday greeting with Red Velvet splayed across the front!

The inside of the card features lyrics from their song “Ice Cream Cake” (“May your day be vanilla chocolate honey with a cherry on top”) and if that doesn’t scream HAPPY BIRTHDAY then maybe you’re normal and I should go see a doctor because my greeting cards are talking to me.

An envelope is included. Maybe you could slip in a piece of ice cream cake, just kidding, don’t do that. The mailman will eat it.

OK that’s all I have so far! But I have a ton more that I’m working out in my head (including a sheet of mini-Valentines like I have for the serial killers and vintage porn star collection), and I’m probably going to open a separate Etsy for the Kpop line at some point. And don’t worry, EXOLS, I have some EXO cards I’m working on, too.

It feels nice to be inspired again, so as usual, thank you Kpop!

HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY INFOMERCIAL.

Dec 052017
 

Hi guys it’s me Chooch and I’m going to tell you about how my dumb cat ruined my puzzle and I cried A LOT and then ran to my room and cried A LOT MORE.

No I didn’t cry. You’re right.

I SOBBED.

I WEPT.

Drew is the dumbest cat ever. I take back everything I said about my mom’s cat Penelope. Penelope is like a freakin’ dream compared to that dumbass cat Drew.

She’s not my best friend anymore!!!!

Also, I think Taemin is a really great dancer & performer.

***

Just kidding, it’s me, Erin. Chooch is still crying too hard to relive the trauma through writing. But that doesn’t make all of the above any less true! This puzzle is destroying our lives. First of all, Chooch is constantly nagging me to help him with it because he hasn’t learned yet that you have to let me do things on my own terms or I will freak the fuck out, so then he tells me I’m a horrible mom who doesn’t want to spend time with her son and I’m like, “IT’S BECAUSE YOUR ELBOW KEEPS BUMPING ME AND THEN YOU TRY TO GRAB THE SAME PIECE AS ME AND THEN, THE WORST PART OF IT ALL, YOU TRY TO TAKE CREDIT FOR PARTS I ALREADY DID!!!”

I was crying about this at work today and Glenn was like, “So, two 10-year-olds are trying to put together this puzzle.”

Why didn’t Henry try harder to stop this puzzle from entering our house?!

#BLAMEHENRY

And then it’s making Henry resent us because the puzzle is taking up his serial killer Christmas card work station, right smack in the middle of our busy season, so he’s been using the kid-size desk in Chooch’s room to fulfill orders.

(Speaking of Henry, he just came home with supplies from the craft store and sadly said, “See you guys later,” as he trudged upstairs to his makeshift greeting card sweat shop. I’m dying.)

What I’m trying to say is, even without the feline factor, this puzzle is TEARING MY FAMILY APART.

It all came to a head last night though. Chooch and I went for our nightly walk and he was excitedly telling me about how he’s about to make a big connection between two large chunks of the puzzle that we were working on over the weekend. He was so amped about this and I of course was just like, “Whatever, I did most of it.”

I’m competitive even with puzzles, OK.

Then we came home and it happened. Chooch went to pick up stupid Drew off the puzzle when it backfired. She went limp and then grabbed an entire corner of the puzzle, the part that Chooch, I mean, I was making so much progress on, and FLIPPED IT OVER.

Chooch processed the severity of the situation. Earth-shattering chaos ensued. And then he yelled at Drew! He’s never yelled at her before! But in between yelling, he was cooing, “I’m sorry I yelled at you. BUT YOU RUINED MY PUZZLE! I didn’t mean to yell at you. BUT YOU’RE FUCKING GROUNDED!!!”

I was on the phone with Henry while this was happening, because he was — where else — at the store*. So I relayed the situation to Henry, who was probably heel-clicking in the middle of the sad dad aisle because he wants us to give up on the puzzle so he can take back his table.

*(It’s a running joke in our house that “the store” is where Henry goes to get away from it all by mindlessly pushing around a squeaky cart while getting lost in the dulcet tones of grocery store soft rock. You do you, Papa H.)

With his hands against his head, Chooch yelled, “JUST TELL DADDY TO THROW THE WHOLE THING AWAY! I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!” He stormed off to his room in tears. I told Henry that Chooch was in his room, so Henry, who is able to control Chooch’s Echo with his phone, made Alexa play Dashboard Confessional’s “This Ruined Puzzle.”

That went over real well. Chooch came storming back downstairs which only resulted in him having to look at the puzzle again and then the fury returned. He was still sulking over it, trying to piece it back together, when Henry came home from the store.

More pandemonium ensued because Henry brought home ice cream BUT IT WASN’T THE KIND THAT CHOOCH WANTED SO YOU KNOW WHAT, HE JUST DIDN’T WANT ANY ICE CREAM AT ALL, GOODNIGHT.

It was only 8:30 but he was “putting himself to bed.” A classic page right out of Erin’s bi-polar playbook. As soon as he shut his door, Henry made Alexa play Justin Timberlake’s “Cry Me a River.” Shit hit the fan at that point and Chooch started shouting for us to grow up and leave him alone and I was laughing about it but secretly was scared that maybe he might burn down the house.

He came barreling down the stairs and yelled, “YOU KNOW WHAT?!?!?” like he was about to verbally assault us, but then he stopped and broke down into psychotic laughter/tears and begged me to help him fix the puzzle, so I did because I was afraid of the fall-out.

[SIDE NOTE: Everyone thinks I’m the dastardly parent—I mean, I’m the reason we had CPS called on us once, right?—but Henry is like the sleeper hit of pranks around here. For instance, Chooch lately has been playing ambient sounds on his Echo at night to help him fall asleep; Henry waited until he was sleeping Saturday night before changing it to some horror soundtrack, with some creepy girl saying, “I’M GOING TO GET YOU” over and over. These are the best parts of parenting, my friends.]

“THEY’RE CIRCLING ME LIKE SHARKS!” Chooch cried that night in one of many attempts to perform puzzle surgery, while the cats prowled around under the table, waiting for their chance to pounce on more pieces. This is our life now. Anyone want to come over and finish this fucking puzzle for us? I lost interest in it the night we started it.

Dec 042017
 

The third annual lighting of Trudy took place Saturday night and oh it was a grand event. A real holiday hoedown. A real fucking festive fright.

Ok it was just a normal Saturday night except with mannequin-dressing. So…still not that far out of the norm for us.

Janna came over too and brought some cranberry cider and then Henry had to go and buy lights at 8:30 at night because I told him we needed new ones that morning but he chose to argue with me about it instead AND LOOK WHERE THAT GOT HIM: going to Lowe’s at 8:30 on a Saturday night.

He came home with a bag of peppermint marshmallows and was so smug about it for some reason. No one wants your dumb marshmallows!

Above, please find a video of Henry struggling to untangle lights that I was in charge of putting away last year OOPS.

This year, Trudy expressed interest in wearing a gas mask as a political statement and luckily we had laying on the floor because we’re just that kind of house, but I tried to soften her look with my treasured G-Dragon light-up crown.

(DID I EVER TELL YOU THAT I SAW G-DRAGON LAST JULY ON MY BIRTHDAY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?)

At one point, Chooch disappeared. I called out for him to tell me what he was doing and he screamed back to me from upstairs: “You’ll see!” I had chills, you guys.

Apparently, he was assembling what he felt was a great “Pregnant Appalachian” assemble and then treated us to some bizarre skit about hating his baby and the baby daddy and needing smokes….?! And then he “gave birth” which was really scary and I started questioning my lucidity.

I was actually kind of terrified of his performance. Especially after he put on a zombie mask and tried to murder his baby with an ax.

Janna puts up with a lot when she comes over. At one point she said she was having flashbacks to hanging out at my house in high school which was PANDEMONIUM, ALWAYS. Someone was usually running around with a knife while the dogs were barking and my mom was yelling, “PLEASE STOP BEFORE SOMEONE DIES” and my little brothers were swearing worse than mobsters and I was playing with fire….it’s basically the same thing here except I’m 20 years older and don’t have a dog and instead of two little brothers I have one crazy son and it’s not my mom yelling, it’s Henry.

And instead of making Janna watch a VHS compilation of Bone Thugs n’ Harmony videos and VMA performances, I put on YouTube and made her watch MAMA 2017 award show performances and a compilation of Taemin eating.

This is apparently a fetish of mine, watching pretty Korean boys eating. I’ll admit it. At this stage of the game, Henry is just like, “Whatever it takes.”

Me, raging while scrolling through YouTube: How are you going to make a “Taemin cute faces” compilation and then only have it be 58 seconds long??

Henry & Janna, telepathically to each other probably: Are we in Hell?

Some things don’t change, you guys. I’m basically still 15.

***

The next day, Calvin came over and got to meet Trudy for the first time! He was not impressed.

Dec 022017
 

I have to be honest: I didn’t think I was going to be able to blog for a while because of my Apple Thumb. It was hurting even worse on Thursday and yesterday that I was starting to think I was going to have to go to the hospital. It was raining on Thursday when I went outside on my break and just the simple act of opening my umbrella (OK I say “simple” but this is always a struggle for me, even with ten healthy fingers) had me yelping in pain. Glenn at one point couldn’t take my whining any longer and asked, “OK let me see this gaping wound.”

“Glenn, I have four bandages on it! And I’m never taking them off!”

I saw Todd write something down during this exchange which is why I’m convinced he’s keeping a log of all the reasons he wants his seat moved.

I started to get really concerned because I was having pain on parts of my thumb that were, what I thought, unscathed by the vicious popping apple metal, but I asked Henry where my wound was, just to confirm. Of course he was like, “Shouldn’t you know where it is?” but I reminded him that I was half-blacked out and trying desperately not to look at my bleeding thumb that it’s really not that shocking that I don’t remember. But I was pretty sure I wasn’t actually cut on the padding of my thumb, which is where I was feeling a ton of pain, so then I started to wonder if I had metal in my thumb and it was infected.

Finally last night I was visited by a surge of bravery so I slid the band-aids off which is how I learned that the pain was coming from the fact that my skin was pinched together in like 4 spots on account of quadruple band-aid action. I had essentially put a baby tourniquet on my thumb so while I was relieved that I didn’t have like, shards of apple corer blades embedded in my thumb, I was now concerned that my thumb was dying or dead because the skin was BRIGHT WHITE and bath time prune-y times 100.

Well, I’m happy to report that today my thumb still hurts but it’s mostly better and back to a normal color, but I still have weird creases in it from the band-aids. And my two apple wounds are slightly sore but scabbed so I guess I’m the road to recovery.

That was really boring, so I’ll close it out with some photos that have been rotting in my phone just like the apple I refused to eat after my hand was nearly lanced off my body.

I just showed it to Henry and he had the audacity to say, “There’s not even anything there.” WOW JUST WOW.

A few weeks ago, we had lunch at Bae Bae’s Kitchen with Janna. I had the tofu and japchae — that tofu, and I’m not just saying this because it was a Korean restaurant, was the best tofu I’ve had in my life. The texture was mind-blowing and it was so crisp without feeling like I was eating some artery-clogging carnival fare.

Henry’s review was “eh” because we have been eating a lot of Korean food over the last year and he felt that, while it was good, it was too expensive and he didn’t get his money’s worth, blah blah. It was an old man complaint. Janna and I had heart-eyes for our lunch, while Chooch was crying because he hates everything.

Henry made me tomato & kimchi grilled cheese the other day and I felt like a fucking princess.

I was on late shift yesterday so I had all morning to follow along with the 2017 MAMA updates on Twitter. MAMA is the MNET Asian Music Awards, and it’s such a big deal that they had three of them this past week, in Vietnam, Japan, and then culminating with the main event yesterday in Hong Kong. I have to admit that when I was watching the AMAs a few weeks ago, I found myself saying, “Who? Who?” a lot because western music just hasn’t kept my attention lately. But watching the MAMAs made me realize just how deeply-invested I am in all of this because I knew everyone there, even when they were flashing to groups in the audience, I’d be like, “Aw that’s EXO” or whatever. But when they were showing people in the crowd at the AMAs, I was like WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!? YouTubers, apparently.

Anyway, I was blowing up Henry’s phone all day with updates and videos. BTS won artist of the year and stopped the whole show with their legendary performance. All I kept on thinking was how quaint they probably thought the AMAs were, because that shit is small-fucking-potatoes compared to the Asian music industry. Every performance there was fucking epic and blew away everything that I saw at the AMAs. Step it up, America. Shit.

(Gratuitous Taemin drivel ahead!)

Anyway, my favorite part was OBVIOULSY Taemin. He performed “Door” in a dramatic fashion, appeared at the end of Sunmi’s “Gashina” performance and did the epic gun-dance with her, and then went right into “Move” which he won the MAMA for “best dance” later that evening and I cried because he is such a fucking king of dance and so humble, I can’t stand it!!

If you’re into spectacular dancing you should watch both videos and not just because Taemin is in both but OK yes that’s exactly why you should watch.

I have always been a stupidly emotional person – crying is contagious for me, worse than yawns or herpes. But at one point yesterday I left my body and while I hovered over top of myself, I was so embarrassed at how badly I was blubbering and sniffling while watching AN AWARDS SHOW. I guess call it projection since everything else in the world sucks so fucking much. HUGE SHRUG.

Janna and my mom are coming over for the 3rd annual Lighting of Trudy, so I have to go and eat something for dinner other than the peanut butter cookie I just had from Orbis Cafe after standing behind three pre-teen Mt. Lebanon girls placing the most pretentious and confusing hot chocolate orders I’ve ever seen (“No, only 2 of 3 large ones are peppermint, and 2 have whipped cream, but only 1 of the peppermint ones has whipped cream, and then the one that doesn’t have whipped cream needs extra foam.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? Imagine these girls in a few years at Starbucks. They are the future of coffee culture!!!!). But can I just indulge myself once more before I sign off? I want to share a video of Taemin and Super Junior fan-boying during EXO’s performance because it’s everything.

“Seriously? They’re waving like they haven’t literally been sitting right next to each other all night long,” Henry said, yet he stuck around and watched it with me a second time BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING ADORABLE also because he likes Super Junior.

Bibimbye!

Nov 302017
 

I was having a bad morning yesterday but had some time to kill before walking to the dreaded trolley so I was pissing around on YouTube. I somehow stumbled across a video called TAEMIN’S PRECIOUS LAUGH so of course I watched it and within 5 seconds my mood had improved.

I texted it to Henry because I share all of the things with him, jury’s out on how he feels about this. Then I called him on my way to the trolley and this is how that convo went:

Me: DID YOU GET THE VIDEO I SENT YOU.

Henry: Um, that’s 7 minutes of Taemin laughing. I’m sure you watched every last second.

Me: I did! Did you?

Henry: No! I don’t have time for that!!

I told him it was OK, we’d just watch it together later that night. And we did! At first Henry just sat there frowning, but by the end, his mouth was slightly curved into a smile. Just like the time I made him watch a 15 minute compilation of G-Dragon eating.

Honestly though I think I might need to watch this video every morning, because I was in a grand mood all day yesterday! It’s hard to believe that someone can be so adorably giddy and then walk on a stage and look like this:

(Side note: If he doesn’t win for best male solo dance at the MAMA show tomorrow I’m going to break something of Henry’s! They’ve already screwed over BTS and G-Dragon.)

Last night, Chooch and I were working on our puzzle and he was mindlessly singing “그대로 그대로 repeat” – I love how brainwashed my household is!! We are down so deep in the rabbit hole.

ETA: Chris suggested that I have a painting commissioned of Taemin and G-Dragon squaring off to be my ultimate bias. I told her this was a great idea and immediately had visions of a Renaissance-style masterpiece with angels hovering in the background.

Chris said that Chooch and Henry could be the angels and I love this image! When I told Henry, he mumbled, “Stop talking to Chris.”