May 282015
 

What’s a week without a blog post full of bulleted bullshit? Bulletproof, I guess. OH!

Behold, a list of things that don’t matter, but will they still be there if you don’t read them? DEEP THOUGHTS.

  • This is a story about cherry cider, which will be relevant to those people who like cider and/or have eyeballs that like to look at letters no matter what words they fashion. On Memorial Day,Janna, Henry, Chooch and I went to Living Treasures in Donegal (THAT WILL BE ITS OWN POST, FEAR NOT FANS OF AMATEUR ANIMAL PICS). Once we hit a certain point, we began seeing handmade signs along the road boasting your typical indie fruit stand wares, like LOPES! and PEACHES! but then we saw one that said HOMEMADE CHERRY CIDER!Janna and I, in tandem, enthusiastically read the sign out loud in case Henry missed it, so that now he would know without us actually coming out and saying these exact words that we wanted to stop and get us some jugs of this sweet elixir. “On the way back,” he mumbled. And he actually remembered!
    • The fruit stand broad was not very personable. Perhaps because it was a beautiful day and she was stuck sitting alone on the side of some shitty road, staring at baskets of peaches that her dad probably made her pick the day before instead of going to the alley behind the soda shop to have sex with Billy. Henry and Janna quickly handed over their respective $7 and we rejoined Chooch, whom we left in the running car because he’s 9 now so who cares. “You took a picture of her, didn’t you?” Henry asked me when we pulled out onto the road. “What? No. Why?” I stuttered. “Because you should have seen the nasty look she gave you.” Technically, I took a picture of her…peaches. That made me hope that the cider was awful so that I could go on the dumb roadside fruit stand Facebook page and leave a scathing review.
    • But it was delightful.Goddammit!
      • Although Chooch’s review was a  shrug coupled with, “Eh. It’s kind of strong.”

  • My group at work had a “global” meeting the other night with our Australian counterparts (we have a sister department in the Melbourne officein case you care), so our manager thought it would be fun for everyone to go around and say a fun fact about themselves, since we don’t really know much about the Australian team. When it was my turn, I totally panicked and blurted out, “I like clowns.” Which, OK, that’s a fact. But not a really fun one. And then immediately afterward I had major fun fact regret and why didn’t I tell them about the time I went to their dumb country to see The Cure? Why am I so stupid?! I had a fun fact that was actually relevant to them and I BLEW IT.
    • I thought for sure Glenn’s fun fact was going to be about bee keeping, but no. It was just that he has two old kids and one baby and then everyone APPLAUDED. WHY?! He doesn’t deserve applause. He deserves to be gonged. (You know, LIKE THE GONG SHOW.)
  • Henry took me to work today. When we were walking to the front door, I noticed a pencil on the floor so I kicked it under the coffee table. “Why wouldn’t you just pick it up?” he asked. “Why should I?” the 13-year-old in me spit out. “Why should I,” he repeated, and shook his head.
    • The pencil is still under the table. AND THAT’S WHERE IT WILL STAY.
      • Until Chooch picks it up. It’s HIS pencil.

  • ^^^^Kurt Travis, you guys. Heart eyes for days.
  • Chooch had his spring concert last night at school (he’s in the chorus) and it was OK. I mean, of course it was great seeing my kid on stage, go kid,rah rah, but other than that, it was pretty boring. Henry’s mom came with us and she seemed to really enjoy it because she didn’t get the memo about it being uncool to enjoy these things. This is all neither here nor there. I’m only mentioning it because afterward, we were strolling around the school looking at student art and eating cookies (that’s all I cared about), when some tinybroad shouldered past us and gave Chooch A Look that I know quite well because it’s the same look I give people to this day when I want them to think that I hate them but I secretlylovethemsomuch/amstalkingthem. Anyway, it turns out it was some girl inChooch’s class that he used to love but now he’s paying attention to a different girl and can’t understand why first girl “hates” him. Oh Chooch. SO MUCH TO LEARN.
    • Henry still has to deal with this, but he’s on the scorned woman side of things.
    • Hot Naybor Chris was there! I took a picture of the back of his head and posted it on Facebook (Henry won’t let me post it anywhere else because Henry is the one with A Brain), and my friends Matt and Alyson were very excited about this, because they were the only two people who used to read my fake Henry diary on LiveJournal (mehoover) back in the day. Alyson hashtagged it #ABMHNC as a sarcastic nod to how A Beautiful Mess tacks ABM onto the front of like 78 different hashtags, like #ABMlifeisbeautiful #ABMcolorfulanalbeads and on and on. #HNC will be one of the few things I’ll miss if we ever move. He is awesome.
    • Speaking of #HNC, I told you guys a few mths ago that he has been gifting Henry with loaves of bread. Today, Henry’s mom was here and he gave her bread too! According to Henry, it was OLIVE LOAF. I started DRYHEAVING and Henry said in its defense, “hey, it’s hipster artisan bread! It’s baked with Wigle Whiskey.” <–suuuuuper trendy local whiskey company. 
  • I use the various desks/cubes I’ve had in the last 5 years at The Law Firm to help me remember certain timelines. For instance: my Ernie’s Esquire obsession happened back when I sat where Icurrently sit for the first time, because I can picture myself talking to Barb about it and seeing her head from that vantage point, which is how I know it was 2012.
    • The whole point of this is to tell you that I am re-obsessed with Ernie’s Esquire for no reason and I googled it last night when I couldn’t sleep and saw that Ernie himselfwas interviewed in 2013 but I didn’t know that since I hadn’t researched since 2012. Anyway, you guys will never believe this: there was an auction there LAST WEEKEND. All of these old chairs and artwork from the 70s that I could have bid on and then lost, and I would have known if I had only re-obsessed over this a week earlier, UGH.
      • Ernie’s Esquire was A SUPPER CLUB that I had never heard of until, obviously, 2012, but all of the locations are closed now and Henry said that it was one of those “special occasion” places, but that it was pretty sordid behind-the-scenes and the picture I have painted in my head makes it look like the Playboy Mansion circa 1968. There are barely any pictures of this place online so I started asking old people questions about it and all people will say is, “Yeah…I ate there once or twice” but then NOTHING MORE. No details! It’s like Ernie’s is a set from a bad sci-fi flick where everyone has their memories (and palates) zapped clean upon leaving.  I find this very disturbing and I want more information so if you have any, spill.
  • I started compiling a list of all the trouble my blog has gotten me into over the years and then I had to stop because…wow. It’s usually because I post a picture of an innocent stranger and then make wild accusations that they go to the alley behind the soda shop to have sex with Billy.
  • When I was walking around on my break yesterday, I stumbled upon a flock of Hope Mennonites standing on a corner and singing church songs. YOU GUYS. I sincerely love these sorts of things (I mean, you obviously know all about my Amish obsession). There is just something exciting about side-stepping homeless people and junkies and then walking straight into Heaven’s gate, you know? I love the juxtaposition of “pure” religious sects (no, fingers—not “sext”; nice try) with the filthy urban Pittsburgh landscape. I didn’t want to blatantly Instavid them, so I went the creepy covert route and pretended to casually stroll by but I probably looked like T-Rex what with the way I was holding my phone into my body and stomping past suspiciously. In addition to the gaggle of singing Mennonites, pairs of them were strewn about the city, handing out Jesus literature and FREE CDs. All of these people were like NO! as they walked past, but when it was my turn I was like YES I WANT THAT STUFF. As soon as Henry picked me up from work, I slid the CD in and it played for about 5 minutes until I realized the entire thing was just some male voice narrating a fake Bible story about DIRK whoever the fuck DIRK is. Just kidding – #Dirk4L (Barb, that means DIRK 4 LYFE, or DIRK FOR LIFE.)

  • I was recounting my Mennonite run-in to Henry and told him that one of the women was holding a BAG FROM CVS! “Well, they’re allowed to BUY things, Erin!” he cried all defensively so now I’m wondering if he dated a Mennonite run-away when he was living in BUNKER HILL during his SERVICE YEARS.

  • You know at least 8 of those chaste, bonneted girls I saw yesterday have a future going to the alley behind the soda shop to have sex with Billy.
  •  Glenn was talking about how hermit crabs are worthless so I told him that I once had two hermit crabs, Dijon and Tabasco. “I was going through an intense condiment phase,” I explained, and Glenn was like, “Wow. I can honestly say that’s something I’ve never heard before….and probably never will again.”
  • Yesterday’s top search on my blog: “vanilla ice creammidgets on trampolines with aklondike bar shove it up your dickhole.” I think Henry has something like that on VHS from his SERVICE days…
    • That search was probably performed by one of those little Hope Mennonite boys, sneaking off to a filthy INTERNET CAFE.

Ummmm….I think that’s all for now. I feel so relieved to have gotten all of this off my stupid chest.

No tags for this post.
May 262015
 

Another weekend is in the books, so here is the latest collection of Henry Bombs, followed by the beginnings of a brand new Henry Torture Experiment, yay! Who doesn’t like torturing Henry!?

The “Why Am I Driving You to Work When There’s a Perfectly Good Transit System Within Walking Distance From Our House and Now I’m Going To Get All Stressed Out By the Jaywalkers Downtown” shot.

IMG_4773.JPG

The “Running Out Of the House For Ice Cream & Leaving Henry Behind To Turn Everything Off In the House & IT LOOKS LIKE HE MISSED A LIGHT” shot.

The “Shit, Henry Busted Us & Thinks He’s Cool By Flipping Off the Camera” shot.

The “My Ice Cream Is Better Than Henry’s” shot.

The “Checking Yelp For Somewhere ‘Weird & Wood-Paneled’ To Eat” shot, per my snippy instructions.

The “We Just Drove 90 Minutes To Eat 10 Minutes From Our House Because Henry Can’t Read My Mind” shot, alternately titled the “Another Chapter In Chooch’s Memoirs” shot.

The “Wearing White Socks and Black Shoes To the Petting Zoo” shot.

The “Feeding A Thing Without Getting Backtalk Is Weird” shot.

The “Quietly Calculating All the $$$ Spent This Weekend” shot.

The “It’s Memorial Day & I’ll Get An Order Of Wings With My Burger If I Want To” shot.

The “Driving Thru the Countryside and Daydreaming About Running Away and Hiding Out On a Farm” shot.

***

YOU GUYS! Here I am to introduce two new Henry series: #ThingsInHenrysBeard and #WhileHenrySleeps

I didn’t want him to feel left out after Chooch and I had our fun with face sprinkles, so I waited for him to go to bed Saturday night before gently dropping pinches of sprinkles onto his wiry beard. This picture actually features my second attempt, because after I initially got his beard suitably sprinkled, he subconsciously swatted at his face, brushing most of them out of his beard and onto his chest. I was trying so hard not to laugh that I had to keep leaving the bedroom and thank god I was so close to the bedroom because I came super close to pissing my pants.

I finally completed my mission, snapped a photo, and then went to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to go to the bathroom. Sadly, all of the sprinkles had fallen off in his sleep, but when he came back into bed, he pulled up the comforter and a shower of sprinkles flew into the air. He somehow didn’t notice this and proceeded to lay down on a bed of candy decor. Then he rolled over and his bare back was speckled with them, so I started cracking up.

“What?” he mumbled. And I just laughed harder and harder until I was choking. Finally, I showed him the picture and you guys, he actually TRIED NOT TO SMILE. You just never which way things are going to go with him!

He fell asleep on the couch yesterday because I guess he just had too much Memorial Day fun. I used this as an opportunity to paint his nails. He was less forgiving about this, though.

kbye.

No tags for this post.
May 252015
 

I had a horrible day while we were going to Sarris Candy’s.
We were having a normal day until mommy was hungry and wanted to go somewhere so she asked Chris and Monica. Monica said Serena’s so she started this horrible day. First of all daddy and mommy were fighting about that he didn’t want to go to Serena’s even though he did and mommy said that I don’t even like Mexican food even though I said it was alright. This is what its like being in the backseat while they fight: It is dreadful, unhappy, ugly, not funny, annoying, stupid, and not surprising.

So we went back and forth from home to Canonsburg and then Serena’s (It was closed) then back to Sarris and I fell asleep so I don’t know what else happened. When I woke up we were at Mad Mex (By our house. We drove 90mins to somewhere to eat that’s 10mins away.). I had a Kiddo Burrito. It was huge!

I didn’t eat it all but I had half. It was freezing in there so I complained that it was freezing. Then at the end I wanted a Sopapilla but I got a Brownie Sundae basically because it was a brownie with ice cream and chocolate fudge. Thanks a lot MONICA! Oh and after that on the way home mommy said she needed to exercise. I said “No you don’t, Mommy.” She thought I was being nice because she wasn’t fat. But the reason why I said that was because she was DRUNK!

IMG_4810.JPG

ERIN’S VERSION: This all happened because Henry is insensitive to my needs and made some asinine rule where 90% of non-chain restaurants are closed on Sundays. (Even Yelp was like, “Yeah, good luck with that.”) And then he gets snippy with me when I can’t find addresses fast enough and then accuses me of lying about a diner we passed but IT WAS A DINER AND IT WAS OPEN. He was all, “EVEN IF IT EXISTED, YOU WOULD FIND SOMETHING WRONG WITH IT SO I AM NOT TURNING AROUND.” And then CHOOCH is on some fucked up frat boy feeding schedule where he only wants to eat ramen and bowls of cereal at 10PM so he was in the backseat wailing about why did we even HAVE to go to dinner because he wasn’t hungry and just wanted to go shopping for Skylanders and we’re horrible parents for attempting to put basic nourishment over frivolous video game accessories. So don’t think he didn’t contribute to the verbal slayings! Also, he named this blog post on his own and I think it’s JUST A BIT HYPERBOLIC, but what do I know about that.

The funniest part of this whole thing is that I wasn’t even really hungry. I WAS JUST IN A BAD MOOD LIKE ALL DAY.

IDIOT HENRY’S VERSION: No comment. [He’s still pissed that we ended up not going to Sarris, because “they have the best rum raisin.” Well, I’m sorry but we were all in a sour mood by then and I’m not walking into a magical candy factory under our black, vitriolic cloak like some gang of madcap cartoon villains!]

No tags for this post.
May 242015
 

Chooch and I were on our own last Saturday morning. Henry had Judy Obligations, so we took MY* car to the cemetery so Chooch could ride his bike and I could fake-jog**.

*(Don’t worry; I’ll eventually tire of this.)

**(I can run for 2 miles and then I automatically stop without even trying to see if I have anything left in me, because running is boring to me.)

Right away, I was annoyed. There was another car there, parked near where I always park (I’m the ONLY person at this particular cemetery 99% of the time because it’s not as “cool” as some of the other ones in Pittsburgh, I guess. But I’ve been a regular here for 15 years and even though I sometimes go to the more popular ones, Uniondale will always have my heart. <3 So when I saw this car, my immediate reaction was GFTO! But then I saw they were Elders, so it was very possible that they were actually there visiting a grave; I gave them a pass.

Then we thought a ghost was there because we saw what we thought was an apparition, but it turned out it was just the landscaper kicking up dirt. After we parked, the first order of business was getting the bike out of the trunk. I kept pressing the trunk button on my key fob and nothing was happening. I got back in the car and started searching for a trunk release button in there, but all I saw was the hood release and other things that I didn’t want to touch.

Basically, I spent 30 seconds on this Rubik’s Cruze before using my Phone a Henry option.

He was at the doctors with his mom and I could tell he was trying to act like he wasn’t annoyed that I was yelling at him on the other end, because I go from, “Huh…I can’t get the trunk open” to “I’M GOING TO COME TO WHERE YOU ARE AND WASH THIS CAR WITH YOUR ARTERIAL SPRAY IF YOU DON’T FUCKING HELP ME GET THIS TRUNK OPEN NOW MOTHERFUCKER.” Meanwhile, Chooch was just standing there calmly, saying things like, “We can do this, Mommy. We can figure this out.” When all Henry was saying, “There’s a button on the key fob. Then I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know why. Push the button. Are you pushing the button? It works on my* key fob.”

*(Yeah, he thinks he’s so great because he got his own set of keys for MY car.)

I hung up on him of course and decided to instead Google, “How do I open the trunk on a 2014 Chevy Cruze?” because the manual SAID NOTHING. Yes, I looked in the manual! GOD. And while this was going on, I happened to turn around just in time to see some young hipster couple strolling around with armfuls of vegetation that they were casually pulling off trees, presumably to garnish their artisanal cocktails later that afternoon. UGH THIS MADE ME EVEN MORE MAD GET OUT OF MY CEMETERY NO WAIT HELP ME OPEN MY TRUNK FIRST.

While I was trying to read all of these idiotic posts on some forum, Chooch said, “Found it” and just like that, the trunk popped open. I guess there’s a release on the outside of the car, but it only works if the car is already locked. (I checked, so don’t even think about breaking into my trunk!) Turns out I need to take my dumb key fob back to the dealership and have it reset, and what I mean by that is that I’m swapping mine out with Henry’s and then he can deal with it.

IMG_4581.JPG

And we had no accidents or other mishaps that resulted in blood loss! These are my favorite kinds of Henry-less outings.

I am so thankful no one was around to record Chooch & me struggling to put his bike back in the trunk (or as I call it: “The Nail Biting Conclusion To Figuring Out How To Open the Trunk”). We are barely-functioning cripples without Henry. Chooch was like, “We got this, don’t give up!” and, after having a minor rage blackout which left me with visions of pulling a tombstone out of the ground and bashing myself in the head with it, I was like, “Well, I guess this is your bike’s new home, Chooch. Say good bye to it. Or….we can all just stay here forever. BECAUSE WHY BOTHER.” I was just about to curl up into the Fetal Position of Defeat when Chooch moved the handle bars a certain way and we were able to shove that two-wheeled bitch into the trunk like we were regular wiseguys and the bike was a fucking snitch.

Chooch is a HERO!

I think it got my heart rate up more than the run. I HATE FIGURING THINGS OUT.

A few days later, Chooch and I were on our own AGAIN, this time it was just a simple walk down the street to CVS where I needed to get nail polish remover and I could hear Henry calling out the front door, “JUST nail polish remover!” and then I proceeded to spend $20 because it’s CVS. Anyway, Chooch’s favorite thing to do at CVS is read every single greeting card they have (he has always been super into greeting cards, so any future broad that dates him is going to get a card for every occasion). The card aisle is near the magazines, so as we were walking down it, he stopped and screamed, “JEFFREY DAHMER!” and then ripped this murder publication off the rack and started naming all of the criminals he recognized on the cover, which was most, so I felt simultaneously proud and worried.

“Oh, and Ted Bundy. Obviously,” he was saying just as some old woman nervously walked past us.

He might be fairly desensitized to this shit since he’s grown up picnic’ing in cemeteries, watching horror movies, and listening to his parents talk about the latest serial killer greeting card they made, but it’s counterbalanced with such an extreme love for animals and one sane parent (and Minecraft?) that I don’t think I need to worry.

However, if it goes the other way, at least he’s experienced with trunks.

No tags for this post.
May 232015
 

sprinkles

 

It’s Saturday, so why not slap sprinkles to your face with corn syrup?

 

Henry attempted to take pictures of us with the actual camera but he sucks so iPhone selfies it is! (Except for the first one. I took that of us with  the real camera.)

 

IMG_4759.JPG

I hate when he does that.

We don’t always get along, but when we are, it’s usually because we’re doing something stupid. 

 

I figured it’s been nearly 5 years, so might as well update the ol’ Trixstache photo.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wash my face for the third time because goddamn ew.

IMG_4762.JPG

P.S. It’s over an hour later and of course Chooch still has candied brows, because why not. But then House Warden Henry was like, “IT WILL END UP RIPPING OUT YOUR EYEBROWS!” Apparently, that was actually what Chooch was hoping for. “Then I’ll be the creepiest kid in my class!” he cried happily. Yeah, I think he’s already got that superlative in the bag, bald browbone or not.

No tags for this post.
May 222015
 

  

Kurt Travis posted this SERIOUS INQUIRY on Instagram last night and I begged Henry all night to help me find a place since my house is a rental and way too small so I was like *LIGHTBULB* THE FAYGO WAREHOUSE! And as I was about to comment on the picture, Henry was like DON’T YOU DARE!

So then I was like “can I at least offer our house up if he needs a place to stay?” And Henry said no before I even finished asking but I’m going to do it anyway. 

This morning I was thinking about it some more and DONT PANIC IVE GOT A PLAN. I’m on my way to work right now and I’m going to ask Glenn for his home address and then give it to Kurt. 

I’ll check back in and let you know how it goes, Internet Diary. CROSS YOUR FINGERS FOR ME!! 

EDIT: I am at work now and asked Glenn, “SRS QUESTION.” And then I started having a laughaleptic seizure. 

Glenn said, “You can’t ask that and then LAUGH.”

“What’s your home address?” I asked after I composed myself. 

While Todd laughed in the background, Glenn smartly answered, “I don’t have one. I’m homeless.”

But then I explained what was going on and he asked, “Can he push a lawnmower?”

I THINK THAT’S A YES. 

Except he still hasn’t given me his address.

EDIT 2: 

Glenn just asked me if Kurt Travis is a COUNTRY SINGER. I yelled, “NO! He was the second singer of Dance Gavin Dance and NOW HE IS IN A LOT LIKE BIRDS.” 

“The one that kept getting kicked out?” Todd innocently asked. 

“THAT WAS JONNY CRAIG!” I cried in disgust. 

My lord, try to keep up.

Then Glenn googled me and asked if “Brain Lord” was one of Kurt’s songs and I said yes but I don’t think he actually listened to it. 

No tags for this post.
May 212015
 

I can’t believe it’s been 7 years since I took these pictures of Blake and my friend Sarah! Dusting them off in the name of Throwback Thursday. (See also: When you feel like blogging but…words. Ugh.)

The first three photos make me want to start using my Holga and Diana again.

giraffe

The Goldbricker.

convo monkeyseat

 

PhotoShoot_5-04-0870blog

 

Blake and Sarah, I think we need to update these! Kind of like some idiot Buzzfeed “Where R They Now?!” type bullshit.

PhotoShoot_5-04-0853blog

_MG_3359 008blog

 

PhotoShoot_5-04-0861blog

 

Sultry Stances.

2465586423_9eacfcdf2f_o

 

WELL THAT WAS FUN. Now I’m going to attempt to go to bed even though I drank 87 gallons of coffee today and just watched a particularly upsetting episode of The Following (I’M A WEEK BEHIND OK) and when I was crying, Henry snapped, “WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHO DIES, IT WAS CANCELED ANYWAY.”

YOU’RE CANCELED, HENRY.

No tags for this post.
May 202015
 

Some things were did recently. Did you did things too? Maybe someday we can did things together.
IMG_4632.JPG

  • It pains me to do this but I havetostart off by saying something….ni—-*gag*—-ce…about Henry. One day last week, I posted a blue corn waffle recipe to his Facebook timeline and in that sweet,adorableCAPSLOCK way of mine told him that this is what I would be having for breakfast on Sunday. The finishing touch of the waffle was a dollop of lavender cream and fresh blueberries. I am a raging slut for lavender-infused foodstuffs so this waffle was The One. Anyway, Henry didn’t even have any jerky comebacks about my request (like addressing the fact that I never actually said he had to make it, just that “I will be having this”)! So yes, Henry diligently went through the motions of looking at and comprehending a recipe and then stirring things, etc. Just typing that out made me feel so bored. Thank god eating the fuck out of that waffle was NOT boring. There were TWO differences in Henry’s version: he allegedly “couldn’t find” blue corn meal so he used regular-colored corn meal, and he did not garnish my plate with a beautiful flower like the picture called for in the cooking website I sent him. Boo hiss, Henry.
    • Oh! And what tied this whole splendid breakfast adventure together was a drizzle of pure maple syrup that my old boss gave Amber and me after she heard we won the waffle makers! Her friends live on a maple farm or something and make real maple syrup. When she brought it over to us, Glenn kept asking her all of these questions like, “But WHAT KIND of maple tree?” and Todd and I were like, “STFU Glenn, SRSLY.” Turns out, Glenn is really into “trees.” He didn’t even try to deny it. “Remember when Cheryl gave me those clown paintings and you got really excited about the FRAMES?!” I scream-laughed at him. He got this creepy far away look in his eyes, remembering those frames, and said, “Yeah…”

IMG_4635.JPG

  • Chooch got a rash over the weekend, which he originally thought was poison ivy. It was on the back of his shoulder so he asked me to take a picture so he could see it. He started flipping out because it was all red and kind of glistening, since Henry had just rubbed SALVE on it. I was like, “Look at it, all shiny and glistening like a Christmas ham” and he was like “THAT’S DISGUSTING STOP” so then when he asked me what was going to happen to him, I naturally told him that he was going to have to go to the hospital so that they could remove it from his body with a surgical tool similar to a cheese slicer, and by this point he was CRYING which was when I tried to take the above picture but he swiped at itandall of these words was just to tell you, “This is why this picture is blurry.”
    • It was not poison ivy. Neighbor Kid Marky threw a handful of grass at Chooch and Chooch is remarkably allergic to cut grass.
    • This is seriously up there in my Top 5 Favorite Perks of Parenting: fucking with my kid.
  • It is a rare treat to find Henry’s phone attended, like a mermaid idling upon the couch cushion. This happened not once but TWICE in less than a week. The first time, ChoochwentontoHenry’sInstagram and made him follow theentireKardashian clanandthen I was like, “Oooh!Oooh! And Miley Cyrus!” andthen we were going to post a picture ofabutt on his behalf, but we couldn’t figure out to save photos on Henry’s lame non-iPhone and by that time, he figured out was going on and snatched it right off us. “DON’T BE ASSHOLES!” he growled and we just laughed. But then Monday night, it happened again! This time, I figured out how to save the butt picture and we hurriedly openedupInstagram and posted it with the caption “I love butts” but then dumbass Chooch couldn’t control himself andstartedlaugh-puking, which tipped off Henry and he stormed out of the kitchen and tried to grab it just I hit “post,” so then he grabbed MY phone and we hadaflat out wrestling match over each others’ phones while Chooch was gagging on his vomit by then. “YOU WAIT!” Henry tried to say in a threatening mob boss tone, which only made us laugh harder. Then he got his phone back and deleted the butt sprinkles. :(
    • BUT NOT BEFORE I SCREENSHOT IT! Bam, motherfucker. Nothing dies on the Internet!

IMG_4700.JPG

  • There was a knock at the door Sunday afternoon. I figured it was just Marky because he comes over in 10 minute intervals the entire weekend, but when I turned around, I could see the silhouette of a tall person through the frosted glass of the front door. “IT’S AN ADULT!” I screamed, scrambling up the steps. I don’t know you guys, but I blame the Squalor Years, where utility workers were constantly banging on our door to shut off our service. Even though those days are way in the past, I still get all jumpy when I hear knocking! I made it to the bedroom, sliding across the floor on my hip like a Bad News Bear, when Henry called up, “It’s not adult. It’s just Blake.” So then it went from SUNDAY DISRUPTION to SUNDAY SURPRISE. A visit from Blake is always welcome! He was going to the Story So Far show later that night and wanted to borrow a shirt from Henry because his was dirty. (The life of a 22-year-old, sigh.) But then I was like, “Who would ever want to borrow a shirt from HENRY?” I mean, unless you’re going as Plain for Halloween. In the end, he chose a black Faygo shirt even though he was slightly worried about getting bullied. (He was joking but that would have been a legit concern for myself.)

IMG_4667.JPG

  • Then Marky came over for real and everyone donned animal masks because it was Sunday and why not.
  • I went to see “Heaven Adores You” at the Hollywood Theater Monday after work. It’s a documentary about Elliott Smith, who has been one of my favorite singers since I was a teenager. When he died in 2003, I cried actual tears; it was like losing a friend. So,Iwaspreparedto be sitting & crying alone in a darkened theater that night, and as expected, I started crying as soon as it started. If you are/were a fan of his, I recommend this film. It was a gift to see these old interviews and clips of performances by him, as well as hearing friends and band mates tell their version of who Elliott Smith was. It brought back memories of being 18 and living in my first apartment, watching the Oscars with Psycho Mike on my tiny TV that sat on a wooden crate, just because I wanted to see Elliott perform “Miss Misery.” My friend/sort of roommate Heather bought me two of his albums that year for my birthday, and it’s one of those seemingly random things I’ll always associate with him even though Heather and I haven’t hung out since…1999 I think? Acknowledging the music I like is a sure way to my heart.
    • I live only a few blocks away from the theater, but it was storming so hard  that Henry dropped me off. It was actually perfect weather for that film.
    • I had to wait until the very last credit rolled up the screen before finally attempting to leave the theater because I couldn’t get my body to stop shuddering from all the crying I did. I am a fucking mess anymore.
    • It had stopped raining by the time I left the theater so I was able to walk home, probably looking like I had just had some awful domestic dispute.
    • I so badly wish he was still alive. </3
      • If you don’t know who he is, spoiler alert: he died on 10/21/03 of two stab wounds to the heart. The coroner never officially ruled it a suicide, and a lot of people think someone did it to him, but I guess no one will ever know. This film wasn’t about his death though, but his life. And I appreciated that his death wasn’t sensationalized.
    • Now I really want to watch Good Will Hunting forthe734097023748b2453th time.

2014-09-01-HeavenAdoresYouPoster

  • Oh man, Henry had a Professional Truck Driving Boner yesterday when we came across this car-transporting truck that fatally* attempted to make a right turn when TRUCKS WERE NOT ALLOWED TO DO SO, and he ended up fucking up his truck and blocking an intersection. “OH HE CAN’T DO THAT. ANY DECENT TRUCK DRIVER KNOWS YOU CAN’T MAKE A TURN LIKE THAT. OH, HE FUCKED HIS TRUCK UP BAD!!!” And he had this smug look on his face like this is something that they teach on the first day of Truckers Academy, right after How to Wear a Trucker Cap Without Looking Like Kevin Federline 101.

  • I write bulletpoint posts because it fills the void that was left when texting replaced actual telephone conversations. Imagine, while you read this, that WE ARE ON THE PHONE TOGETHER, painting our toenails with our hair wrapped in a towel, gotta go the milk man’s here!

IMG_4687.JPG

  • Speaking of painting nails, Chooch has been into painting his nails again, which he usedto be into when he was three. Here is a picture of him holding a grilled cheese at Eat n Park with chipped fingernail-polished hands. Nothing even remotely exciting happened here other than Chooch slamming his head off the door when we walked in and the manager frantically asking us if we were missing an order of pancakes, which we were not. A waitress was cleaning the table behind us and informed us that there were mystery pancakes in the kitchen and no one could figure out where they belonged. Then we got our check and Henry noticed that there was an order of blueberry pancakes on there, so the waitress must have accidentally hit the wrong button and WOW is this *a boring story! DON’T WORRY WE WEREN’T CHARGED FOR IT.
    • See? Chooch at the fair in 2009, with delicate, ebon nails:

3861358176_3a89f4bbab_b

  • Therapy:

Wow, this might be in the running for most boring bullet point post ever.

No tags for this post.
May 192015
 

Me: “Isn’t it weird how I’ve only had a moderate interest in Kurt Travis since 2004, and now all of a sudden I’m like OMG?”
Henry: “No. Because you’re Erin.”

********

IMG_4677.JPG

When you’re feeling some type of way….

I was listening to the Kurt Travis-era Dance Gavin Dance albums last week and it was like something just clicked in my head, and I was hearing all of these songs I’ve heard 800x with brand new ears. I guess a lot of it has to do with the fact that, even though I liked Kurt before he joined DGD, I was pretty salty that he was replacing Jonny Craig.

(However, I have been really into Kurt’s current band A Lot Like Birds from the get-go, so who knows what goes on in my head.)

I’m sharing “Happiness” today because–ouch. It’s like when we put on the fake plastic smiles while our insides are being fisted by sadness and despair. Sometimes, it’s not palpable problems that have us feeling down, but it’s more of the abstract adversity in our heads. I think we can all relate to that.

Lately, I’ve been the equivalent of a Victorian broad passed out on a fainting sofa with her arm slung dramatically across her forehead, and for no real, discernible reason other than unresolved feelings coming to a frothing head, I guess. This is when music sounds the best to me. Not gonna lie: sometimes I crave these feelings because it makes me feel alive.

And also because it drives Henry crazy. I’ll play the same 2 second part of a song over and over and scream, “DID YOU HEAR IT THIS TIME?! WHERE HIS VOICE CHANGES A LITTLE BIT?! DOESN’T IT MAKE YOU WANT TO DIEEEEEE????” and he just looks at me like I’m nuts.

I’ve made him listen to “Happiness” approx. 87 times over the last week and he is like, “Nope. It still doesn’t make me sad.” So then of course that makes me probe him about his crying threshold. He said he would “probably” cry if I died, but not if I was just injured. And then he started listing random injuries as examples and it was making my wrists do that thing where they get extremely sensitive so I was begging him to stop talking and he was like “YOU STARTED IT.” And that’s the last conversation we had last night before falling asleep.

My favorite parts of this song are when Kurt says “over and over” because it makes my heart drop a little, and the line “waking up for what” because haven’t we all wondered that from time to time? I wish I could crawl inside this song and curl myself up against its soft entrails. DRAMATIC SIGH.

*******
Over the weekend, Henry happened to glance at phone and he noticed that my lock screen image is still Jonny Craig. “SERIOUSLY YOU HAVEN’T CHANGED THAT PICTURE YET?!” he asked incredulously, tinged with disgust.

I’m sorry! I know I said I quit Jonny Craig a year ago, and I swear to god I do hate that guy and I haven’t bought the Slaves album or his last solo album and I didn’t go see him the last 3 or 4 times he was in Pittsburgh, but it’s like a 12-step program, OK? I’ll admit that I only just unfollowed him on Instagram about 4 months ago.

Baby steps.

So I finally swapped my lock screen picture for one of Kurt Travis and Henry is like, “THIS IS NOT PROGRESS” but I’m doing the best I can, OK? At least Kurt is nice! (I met him in 2013!)

Also, LOL:

IMG_4702.JPG

No tags for this post.
May 172015
 

The “STOP ASKING ME WHO MY FAVORITE DANCE GAVIN DANCE SINGER IS” shot.

The “Making Henry Walk To the Ice Cream Shop With Us Because I Don’t Feel Like Dealing With Paying” shot.

The “NO I DON’T WANT ANY ICE CREAM!!!!” shot.

Bonus: The “Henry Leads Us Safely Across the Street” un-bomb shot.

The “THANKS FOR PAYING FOR OUR ICE CREAM, HENRY” shot.

The “I Caught Henry Watching Kurt Travis YouTube Videos!” shot.

The “Henry’s Son Showed Up Unexpectedly!” bonus Blake bomb!

The “There’s Nowhere to Sit in the Living Room, Beard Stroking” shot.

The “OMG IS HENRY DEAD!?!??!?!” shot.

  
The “We Never Had to Wait to Cross the Street in THE SERVICE” shot. 

 

The “I Was On the Wrong Side of the Booth So Chooch Assisted In Capturing Henry At the Salad Bar” shot.   

The “Henry’s Got a Gun” shot. 

No tags for this post.
May 172015
 

As you know, Internet Diary, Henry is a relatively good sport when it comes to putting up with the music I like*. But sometimes he puts his foot down when it comes to certain shows, and that’s OK because he endures a lot for me. Last night’s Pianos Become the Teeth show at the Altar Bar was one of the times I gave him a reprieve. It used to be that I would beg someone else to go with me or just not go at all, but I just don’t give a fuck anymore. So I bought one ticket and went alone, because after seeing this band at Riot Fest and then opening for Circa Survive last year, I have been dying to see them headline.

*(“Like” is an understatement; I fucking live for music. Even when I’m not listening to it, I’m reading about it, searching for it, talking about it, dreaming about it—Matt Mingus was holding my hand in my dream Friday night!–or flat out just hearing it in my head.)

Henry and Chooch dropped me off though, because that’s the least they can do!

I got there right before doors opened and there were only about 10 people standing around, so that was a pretty good sign that this was going to be a small crowd. Good for me, but bad for the bands. I went straight to the bar and ordered one of those beers-that-aren’t-real-beers (Leinenkugel Summer Shandy) and then proceeded to stand awkwardly in between two guys who were also there alone. One of my Instagram friends commented on my Shandy picture and said “ME TOO!” and I thought she meant she was also at the show, so I got all excited at the prospect of knowing someone there and having someone to stand with, but then she explained that she just meant she was also drinking a summer shandy.

So, still alone.

The downside of being 35 and still neck-deep in the music scene, I guess.

I stayed in the bar area for the first two bands: My Captain, My Sea and Gates. It was the very last show for My Captain, My Sea, a local band whose drummer has accepted a full-time job playing in the US Army’s bands. It’s a super shame because they’re great! But the whole time, I was thinking about how much Henry would have hated them. And that made me miss him. It’s fine once the bands are playing, especially since I can stand wherever the fuck I want, but in between sets I become 1000x more awkward than usual because WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY HANDS OMG HELP. So I texted Henry bathroom selfies and maniacally checked Instagram. Jesus, what did we do before iPhones?!

I was really interested in seeing Gates, too. Their music is just so beautiful and it made me feel like I was floating, but that could have also been because I was on to my second shandy at that point and I am a huge light weight because I drink so infrequently these days. Out of all the bands there last night, I feel like they were the most accessible, so here is a video. DECIDE FOR YOURSELVES, K?

After Gates, I left the bar area and went down to the basement to use the bathroom. The thing I love the most about the Altar Bar is that their bathrooms are on point. They even have a bathroom attendant, so I don’t walk out of there feeling like a petri dish for MERSA and ringworm like I do at Mr. Small’s & Smiling Moose.

On my way back up the hallway after that, I passed what I guess was the green room and made super awkward eye contact with the singer of Pianos Become the Teeth, Kyle. HE IS SO INTIMIDATING! Instead of going back to the 21+ area, I moved closer to the stage. The bar area is really small and there were just enough chatty broads in there to make it intolerable. I might get some flak from other girls for saying this, because girl power or whatever, but girls are the most annoying part of pretty much any show I have ever gone to. I mean, is it that hard to SHUT THE FUCK UP while a band is playing?! Why do you pay money to go to a show if all you’re going to do is make strenuous attempts at conversing with your boyfriend who totally doesn’t care what you’re saying because HE IS LISTENING TO THE BAND HE PAID MONEY TO SEE? I don’t get it. How can  you be enjoying yourself if you’re SHOUTING into someone’s ear and they’re shrugging and mouthing the words, “Sorry, I can’t hear you.”

Maybe it’s sexist of me, but I definitely witness this coming from broads waaay more than bros. Just sayin’!

Girls, if you can’t keep your fucking mouths shut, maybe consider staying home.

People.

Then it was time for Loma Prieta and DANG did they hit the spot. Straight-up scream, friends. Straight-up motherfucking screamo.

I was laughing so hard on the inside imagining how much anguish Henry would be in if he was standing next to me for this band.

A little screamo goes a long way. Live screamo is a lot like being exorcised, I would think.

And then it was time for Pianos! This band is a thing of beauty. I don’t even know how else to describe them other than stressing how utterly beautiful their music is. And the way Kyle’s voice quakes, there is something about it that evokes real emotion and it’s hard not to feel anything listening to him sing. They ditched the screaming on their most recent album, kind of reinvented themselves in a way, and believe me — that album is tight. But the crowd last night came alive when they played old tracks. Kyle was the epitome of a tortured soul on that stage and it made my heart strum.

REPINE IS MY FAVORITE! I got choked up.

There were three girls next to me who were seemingly mega-fans and literally were swooning. I’m not kidding, fucking doubled over and fanning themselves. But then they goddamn talked to each other through most of it! DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN!? Why are girls such concert cunts!?

But the crowd was mostly inoffensive. And even though I was there alone, I didn’t feel lonely. We were all there together. Music is great that way.

Aside from inappropriately-timed conversations, it was a great show. I had the perfect spot near the stage (it was hard not to have the perfect spot—there was hardly anyone there!) and I left the Altar Bar with an even greater appreciation for Pianos Become the Teeth. So much beauty. So many feels. I’m glad I didn’t pass this one up!

Go listen to them! Feel the things! Buy their albums! Go to a show!

Then I had to stand outside and wait for Papa H to come and fetch me. When I got in the car, Chooch was “ironically” listening to the Kidz Bop XM station, totally negating my night of good music. Ugh, thanks a lot Chooch.

ETA: it is now Monday morning and I told Glenn my woeful tale of how I had to go to a show alone because Henry put his foot down.

“I could have been kidnapped!”

“I guess Henry was willing to take that chance,” Glenn muttered in his standard monotone. 

No tags for this post.
May 162015
 

I don’t know that I would really call this a tradition, but sometimes on Mother’s Day, Henry will act like The Best Man On Earth and take me to DelGrosso’s Amusement Park, about 2 hours outside of Pittsburgh, so that I can ride the fuck out of the Wacky Worm and shovel potato salad down my throat in the style of violent porno cunnilingus.

Or, you know, pie eating contest.

Plus, moms ride for free on Mother’s Day.

This year, we didn’t have to rent a car! Yay new car! We listened to Dance Gavin Dance THE WHOLE WAY THERE because it was Mother’s Day. Oh OK, let’s be real: every day is my day when it comes to radio control. The best part is that the stereo system is so good that Chooch chattered away in the backseat and I COULDN’T HEAR A WORD HE SAID! Ahhh, a mother’s bliss.

However, I did hear him pipe up from the backseat and request Circa Survive. I was like, “WHAT SRSLY? You want me to put on Circa Survive?!” and he said, “Yes. ‘Act Appalled’.” I almost broke my finger off in my frantic attempt to queue up this song post-haste, because I have been waiting NINE YEARS for my son to like Circa Survive. I used to listen to their first album constantly when I was pregnant with him! And I tell him that all of the time and he just rolls his eyes. But on this day? On this day, he sat in the backseat and sang along because that little fucker knows all of the words and has probably always liked them but he’s just like HIS DAD in  that regard. Henry pretended to hate The Used for like, 6 years!

God, what a great Mother’s Day present, hearing Chooch’s little boy voice singing along with Anthony Green. That was way better than the makeup from Ulta, and it was FREE!

My second favorite part of the day was when we got to Delgrosso’s and the old lady inside the admission booth looked at me skeptically and asked, “Are you….the mom?” YES I AM NOW GIVE ME MY FREE WRIST BAND, HERE JUST PUT IT ON ABOVE MY OTHER WRISTBAND FROM LAST NIGHT, THANKS.

And then right away, it was Wacky Worm time!

Chooch wanted to ride in separate worm-compartments and I threw an actual fit while we stood in line, and then accused him of not giving a shit about my feelings, and on MOTHER’S DAY OF ALL DAYS. Finally, he was like, “Jesus Christ, OK. Pick a damn seat!”

I hit my leg SO HARD when I sat down. The Wacky Worm is not kind to us tall kids.

Immediately after this, I went up to Henry and said, “FOOD.” He put in our pizza, came over to the bench Chooch and I were slouched upon, making fun of people, and handed me  the receipt. “Here. Listen for our number to be called while I go and order the potato salad.”

WTF? How did this become my problem!?

Of course, Chooch and I forgot about our big important task almost immediately, until I realized a few minutes later that a number greater than ours was being called. “WTF, did we miss our number?” I asked Chooch. So we got up and stood closer to the pizza windows, and I totally panicked while numbers were called out of order because HOW WILL WE EVER KNOW IF THEY CALLED OURS ALREADY?

It was so confusing and I kept emitting audible groans of disgust and anguish because why do I have to do this thing?! It was probably the worst part of my day, maybe.

But then our number was called for real and Chooch and I had already devoured our slices by the time Henry came back to our table with his hot dog (which Chooch took from him) and the potato salad.

Henry is always the last one to eat.

Anyway, I was really mad because one of my biggest pet peeves is when Chooch gets food all over himself. I feel like, at the age of 9, he should maybe have a better grasp on his food-handling by now, I don’t know?! So I said, “PLEASE do not get pizza on  yourself, I’m begging you” and by the time I turned back to my own pizza slice, a glob of sauce had sluiced right off his chin and plopped right smack onto the crotch of his shorts.

I called him Sauce Crotch for the rest of the day and now I’m going to draw him a picture of Sasquatch wearing stained shorts, but don’t worry, he’ll also be holding a slice of pizza in his hand so it will look less like a menstrual mishap.

All you potato salad aficionados out there, ya gotta try DelGrosso’s. It is fucking ON POINT. I referred to it as “Creamy sex” once and I stand by that statement. Henry bought some shitty supermarket brand potato salad the next day and I was like, “Why do you have to bring this ghetto shit in my house? The day after Delgrosso’s, really? You’re killing me.”

On the Crazy Mouse, Chooch practiced all of his swears in one long tangent and I just don’t care to stop him from swearing anymore. Just don’t do it in school and I’m fine with it. Parenting sometimes takes mental strength which I do not have a lot of.  I feel tired just typing that out, to be honest.

There was some young kid on the carousel who had a 1990s Billy Ray Cyrus mullet and of course I took an entire series of photos, but I’m not going to post them here because I have a tiny shred of common sense that is telling me that might not be wise. (I’m trying to be smarter about blogging, and it’s been a struggle.) But my lord, was that mullet majestic.

The thing about Delgrosso’s is that once you ride the Wacky Worm and the Crazy Mouse, it’s like “………………….”

It’s a really small park and the rest of the rides are your typical carnival/county fair assortment: Paratroopers, Tilt-A-Whirl, carousel, Music Express, pirate ship…basically it’s a bunch of different ways to self-impose whiplash and/or motion sickness. I’ve gotten ridiculously sick here before, to the point where I had to lay down across a bench and pray to the Vertigo gods to reset my eyeballs and put the color back in my cheeks. I try to pace myself now, which means Paratroopers/45 minutes of nothing/ice cream/Music Express/45 minutes of nothing/watch Chooch play games/Tilt-a-Whirl/OMG I’M DYING LET’S LEAVE/go home.

Chooch is like, “I can’t wait until I can ride this shit with my friends and not my weird MOM.”

I couldn’t get  my eyeballs to stop moving back and forth after this ride and it was concerning.

We let Chooch go off and buy his own drink and then for a good 5 minutes there was a mild concern that he had been kidnapped. Don’t worry, he came back to us. Just like a boomerang.

A sweaty, foul-mouthed boomerang.

I wonder what it’s like to be Chooch.

Pre-Tilt-a-Whirl nausea.

The Tilt-a-Whirl was being worked on all day but we just happened to be standing near it when they declared success and a Delgrosso’s ride operator walked on to give it one more test run.

“IS IT OK NOW?” I called up to him, and he kind of nodded, sort of, so Chooch and I raced to get in line and Henry was like, “Seriously? The gate isn’t even open yet.” It took everything in my power not to turn around and shout “FIRST!!!” in the faces of the asshole kids behind us. MOVE A LITTLE FASTER NEXT TIME.

I guess the ride operator was trying to overcompensate for the ride being closed all day, because he left us on there for a good three minutes.

That’s about two minutes too long in Spinny Ride Time.

And you know how sometimes the Tilt-a-Whirl is a big fat dud? Your car doesn’t get any good spins? Well, this particular go-around was chockfull of violent spins, which were ultra giggle-inducing at first, but then it quickly turned to stomach-churning and I was afraid that I was going to giggle chunks of potato salad right out of my open mouth, so I was pretty quiet for the last two minutes.

When I stumbled off the ride, Henry was waiting there to say, “Good for you” with that smug fucking look on his face. And then, “So, I guess you’re ready to go home then?”

Twist my arm.

But first! One last ride on the Wacky Worm. Never too sick for the Wacky Worm. (Until I am.)

I wanted Henry to carry me to the car but he was just like, “You haven’t lost THAT much weight.”

***********

The next day, we were in our weekly meeting and our boss asked if we all had a nice Mother’s Day. Glenn spoke up and said, “Tell everyone what you did, Erin!” because he knows I hate talking in our meetings, so I mumbled that I rode the Wacky Worm but out of everyone in the room that day, only Glenn and Amber1 know about my Wacky Worm obsession so I mumbled a brief explanation and everyone was kind of like, “Oh. Ok.”

#misunderstood
FUN FACT: If you Google image search “Wacky Worm”, a picture of Glenn comes up on the first page.

No tags for this post.
May 152015
 

A Lot Of Fuss Over Salt

Amber1 came back from GNC today and, in the style of Vanna White, showed Glenn, Todd, and me the big honkin’ bottle of Pink Himalyan salt she bought.

“It’s like the new weight loss fad,” she explained, telling us about some detox thing she read about it. She said it’s hard to find now in stores because so many people are buying it, but I got excited because we have some of that at home!

“I guess Henry was trendy before everyone else!” I laughed. Then I paused and thoughtfully added, “You know, Henry has all kinds of weird salt in the kitchen…”

“Well, he cooks, doesn’t he?” Glenn snapped. “That’s why he has salt.”

Glenn and Todd started chirping about how salt is salt and there is no way that this pink shit is any better, but I had to back up Amber on this one because I just recently sprinkled some of those pretty crystals on my diet popcorn and it was great. “It really does taste better,” I insisted. “Probably because it’s pink.”

“So, you can taste colors now?” Glenn sneered. Then he immediately emailed our group a link to some article about how Pink Himalayan salt IS A SCAM.

YEAH WELL YOU’RE A SCAM, GLENN.

Amber asked me if I wanted any of her salt. “Sure, why not,” I shrugged, holding out an open palm. Walking back to my desk with a handful of freshly ground pink crystals, I said, “I feel like this a designer drug.” I bet Jonny Craig would do it.

Glenn declined Amber’s offer. “I know what salt tastes like,” he mumbled.

“Yeah, but this is PINK,” I reminded him.

“Sorry, I can’t taste color,” he said.

Is Turkey Meat?

“Do you eat turkey bacon?” Amber called over to me from her desk. “Wait, is turkey meat?”

God, someone’s high on salt!

Papa’s On Death Row

“The Boston Marathon bomber got the death sentence,” Todd announced to us later in the afternoon. “Wow, and he’s only 21,” he said in a “that’s a damn shame” tone.

“He’ll be in there for a long time, though” Glenn chimed in.

“Yeah, my penpal has been on death row since the 90s,” I said in my normal cheerful work tone (i.e. my “fake voice,” as Henry calls it), getting up from my desk to go on my lunch break. This allowed me to see Todd’s face as he quietly said, “Oh, for real?”

“You don’t seem very shocked that she has deathrow pen pal,” Glenn laughed.

“Oh, pen pal?!” Todd exclaimed, laughing. “I thought she said ‘papa’ at first and I was like, ‘wow, awkward’.” He told me later that for about 20 seconds, his mind was full of speeding thoughts, like, “I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE’S SO OPEN ABOUT THIS” and “OH GOD I WANT TO ASK HER WHAT HE DID!”

I legitimately had to get up and walk out because I was crying real tears from laughing so hard. I made a pit stop to the bathroom before going outside for my walk, and I sat in the stall laughing so hard that I know it sounded like I was under duress. After this, I proceeded to go outside where I walked around while laughing alone like a crazy person, but no one gave me a second thought because it was 4:00PM on a Friday in downtown Pittsburgh; I looked normal compared to most everyone else.

When I came back in from my break, Todd and I continued talking about our miscommunication.

“For some reason though, the funniest part to me is that you thought I call my dad ‘papa’!” I laughed, imagining myself wearing an apron and picking berries in the Alps while Papa cuts up the kindling. “The only thing my dad is notorious for is being in a Columbia Gas commercial,” I assured him.

What a weird day. I blame the salt.

No tags for this post.
May 142015
 

This image is from Puddles’ Facebook page.

Sometime last year, back when Chris still worked with me (MEMORIES), she sent me a Post Modern Jukebox video that featured a 6’8″ clown singing “Royals.” It was enchanting! (Probably not to coulrophobes.) I just really love clowns so much!

About a month ago, I saw that Puddles Pity Party was coming to the Rex in Pittsburgh and I was like, “THAT IS THAT SUPER SEXY CLOWN WITH THE HONEY VOICE.” So I texted Chris and she and Monica were like, “Let’s do this shit.”

And Henry was like, “Yay, you have people to go with you. Peace out!”

A week prior to the show, we were sitting at a table in the Laser Storm party room when Chris told me that she made the mistake of looking up information for his shows online and discovered that he relies heavily on audience participation. I hoped that she meant like along the lines of “When I say —-, you say —-” type of bullshit. But no, she meant that he will flat out pull people out of their seat and drag them onto the stage and make them sing EVEN IF THEY DON’T KNOW THE WORDS.

Do you know how much I love music? Ask me to sing a song off the top of my head and I will fucking FREEZE because OMG there are WORDS in that song? WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER THERE BEING WORDS IN THAT SONG!?!?

EVEN THE CURE.

We had pre-Puddles dinner at the Library that evening and I made sure to drink every last drop of whatever that blueberry beer stuff was that I ordered while Chris and Monica divulged insider info regarding their upcoming wedding. I should mention that on the walk there, we passed a young couple. The girl was all, “I LOVE YOUR TATTOO” and the boy was all, “AND I LOVE YOUR PURSE.” Chooch would have been so pissed, because it was my eyeball purse, of course.

After dinner, Monica saved me from basically falling off a cliff/stepping on a rake/shambling into traffic because god forbid I should be responsible enough to safely walk down a sidewalk. The sun was in my eyes, OK?!

Once we got to the Rex, my nerves started to kick in because PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME GET ON STAGE. I was acutely aware of Chris and Monica talking about DJ Qbert, who was performing at the Rex later in the week. Monica wanted to book him for their wedding but Chris said only if he plays one Garth Brooks song. It went something like that, I think.

We look sweaty because it was like 95 degrees out, and that is real sweat on our faces. #PittsburghSpring

The Rex is not very big, and the room was full of folding chairs. Because this was a seated event. So, chairs. We stood around like kids on the first day of school, figuratively biting our fingernails while trying to decide which seats would have us looking less like sitting ducks and more like invisible nobodies. We ultimately chose a row on the left, a few rows back from the stage. I claimed the seat right next to the wall and was satisfied because the wall jutted out in front of me just enough that I could use it as a shield if necessary.

My stage fright is on another level. I keep getting worse with age, too. When I was a youngin’, I was at some dinner theater thing in Switzerland with my family and there were men on a stage playing those Ricola commercial horns. They called for volunteers, and without telling my family I was doing so, I got up from the table and ran down to the stage to blow one of those fucking horns, because why the hell not. God, that seems so long ago!

Probably because it was. It was 1990, for fuck’s sake!

Anyway, now I need to be drunk to do shit like that, and I unfortunately was not drunk on this particular night.

It was getting closer and closer to 8:00 and no one had joined us in our row. Monica kept looking nervously at the two empty seats to her right, but later she admitted that even though she was petrified of being singled out, she kind of hoped she would be. I hoped she would be too, because what would be the odds of Puddles striking twice in the same row of chairs?

Eventually, some single broad sat down at the end of our row. I half-noticed that she and Monica exchanged a few words, starting with “Is anyone sitting here?” and the next thing I knew, Monica turned to Chris and said, “Hey Chris, this girl had her car punched in L.A., too!” because Chris used to live in L.A. and had her car punched once. So then Chris and Single Broad started comparing car-punching tales and I thought to myself, “WTF could either of them had possibly said to each other to initiate the topic of car-punching?!” I asked Monica after the show and she sincerely couldn’t remember.

My theory is that the broad thanked Monica for saving her seat while she was at the bar, and Monica said, “My fiancée had her car punched one time in L.A. TOO BAD I WASN’T THERE TO SAVE THAT.”

It was super random* and weird, which made Monica’s request to have Chooch swinging on a wrecking ball at their wedding seem reasonable.

*(Turns out, having your car punched in L.A. is actually not so random, according to Monica’s new BFF; maybe the next season of Serial should be about that.)

But then it was time for Puddles! He came in from the back of the room, carrying a suitcase and IMMEDIATELY pulled some man out of the audience. Without giving anything away, I will say that he mostly didn’t torture his non-consenting volunteers too much. Mostly he just sung Happy Birthday to them, but there was one old man who he made sing “Yesterday” and I was so thankful it wasn’t me. You guys have no idea how terrible of a singer I am unless you were around for the Blogathon days, then you unfortunately do know, and might even have waking nightmares of me singing Andy Gibb. I TRULY APOLOGIZE.

I wasn’t expecting to do so much laughing, but Puddles is a great entertainer! My favorite part was definitely when he sang Sia’s “Chandelier,” which I recorded a snippet of for Chooch:

At one point, he totally seduced this one older man in the crowd who could have been Henry’s brother.

“I REALLY wish Henry would have come!” Monica cried, and I wholeheartedly agreed. Oh Internet, can you imagine Henry getting pulled on stage by a giant clown?! UGH, Henry is the worst for not going! I’m glad I remembered that I’m mad at him!

And none of us ended up being traumatized by a stage summons! I do wish Monica had gotten picked though.

There were no openers so the show was just over an hour long, which actually felt just right to me. Afterward, we stood in line for free Puddles Cuddles, and my anxiety came back because I hate having my picture taken, but I HAD TO GET ONE because a picture of Puddles will look so wonderful in my future clown room. And then it ended up being OK, because I just made a sad face, which is more natural on me than a smile. So this is basically my regular face:

IMG_4545.JPG

AND GUESS WHO LIKED MY PURSE, CHOOCH? Oh just my new friend, PUDDLES, no big deal!

On the way back to the car, we stopped at Le Petit Chocolat for cupcakes and chocolate, and I was pleasantly surprised! These were pretty damn close to my beloved Vanilla Pastry Studio masterpieces.

Clowns and cupcakes—what a night! I wouldn’t have known about Puddles if not for Chris, so thank you Chris! It’s always nice to go to a show that’s a bit out of my wheelhouse. #noscreaming

No tags for this post.
May 132015
 

IMG_4531.JPG

On Mothers Day we went to Delgrosso’s  and I had a fun day.  Of course Mommy wanted to go on the Wacky Worm first because she’s obsessed with it. So we went to the bathroom first because if I say I have to go the while we’re there daddy will get pissed. So after the Wacky Worm we went on the Crazy Mouse and  a lot of the rides were getting maintenance checked and we waited in line for a while. Since the ride only has 5 carts we went on in like 5minutes. Then mommy and  I went on the Music Express and the Umbrellas. Then  I got ice cream which was Chocolate Marshmallow and I wanted to go on the Pirate Ship (aka Pharaoh’s Fury) by MYSELF because Daddy never gets a bracelet and mommy didn’t want to get sick because she wanted to go on more rides. While I was in line Daddy was EATING my ice cream and I only had a quarter  of it and daddy had half . In line I screamed at him and the people in front of me laughed.

 

IMG_4540.JPG

But mommy gets to eat ALL of her ice cream (she just said “Because I’m the best”)

IMG_4538.JPG

Daddy gave me 1 dollar for 1 game to win on and I picked  a game where you have to put BALLS IN A CLOWN’S MOUTH (which sounds so wrong) It was pretty easy minus the fact fact where you have to get 1 ball in each slot. It took me 2 tries to win. I won this CUTE ,PURPLE ,FLUFFY ,DELIRIOUS , AND PRETTY  PIG. I won it for mommy and then she said “Oh thanks, you can keep It in your room though.” I was okay with that. We named him Pukey JR. Then mommy and I went on the Tilt-a-Whirl which was under maintenance but we were the first people on the Tilt-a-Whirl since the whole day. It wasn’t a surprise but every time mommy wants to go on the Tilt-a-Whirl she gets sick. The last ride of the day was the Wacky Worm. We had a fun day at Delgrosso’s.

 

IMG_4511.JPG

(BONUS!!!) The day before Delgrosso’s daddy and I went to Michael’s then Ulta to get mommy a present for Mothers Day. I really wanted a sticker book for while we are going to Delgrosso’s and in the car  for 2 hours. Daddy wondered how much it was I said 13 US DOLLARS and 20 CANADIAN DOLLARS. He said “OH HELL NO I BUY ENOUGH S*** FOR YOU!” I threw a fit the whole way into Ulta and I put on makeup in there and daddy was pissed. On the way back home from Delgrosso’s we went to a restaurant called Valley Dairy. Our waitress was named Sarah and some waiter was basically doing our whole service because Sarah was slow and having a rough ,rough day. (Speaking of having a rough day, Sarah in my class was having a rough day because her nose was bleeding like all day Tuesday and Wednesday.)

Sarah finally came to our service and asked for our order. After dinner I ordered a Clown Sundae and I sadly made fun of it and mommy said Sarah was having a rough day. I liked the sundae though that’s all that matters.

No tags for this post.
%d bloggers like this: