7:08am: You’re live-blogging. Great. – Henry under his breath. Well we just left the house but first we have to stop and get new tires put on the car because Henry didn’t think to do this any other time this week ok cool. And he only brought a bottle of water for himself and I flipped out so he said I could just have his and I was like YOU ALREADY DRANK FROM IT SO HOW WILL I KNOW HOW MUCH TO CALCULATE?? because I track my water intake on Fitbit and now we’re fighting about me not being to eyeball that there are approx. 4 ounces gone now from the bottle. Fuck off Henry.
7:11am: “I’m hungry” – Chooch. “I’m thirsty” – me. “The kids have already started” – Henry.
7:30am: UGH TIRE CHANGE STUFF.
“Want me to make you coffee?” Henry just asked and I’m ready to eviscerate him.
7:44am: LEAVING NOW THAT TOOK FOREVER. “It did not!” henry barked. “If we had went to Pep Boys we’d still be there and they’d be trying to sell me everything!”
8:26am: Stopped at Sheetz for a fast breakfast and fucking coffee, man. Here is my traditional gas station bathroom selfie. If I look miserable ITS BC I AM. J/k I’m just old & tired.
Some instrumental version of Gary Numan’s “Cars” was playing in Sheetz and it disagreed with me because I need to hear Gary’s voice, Sheetz. Gary’s voice or GTFO.
8:49am: Speaking of voices, friendly PSA that G-Dragon’s voice in “Cafe” is still one of the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard in my life, carry on.
8:51am: Speaking of voices Part 2, yesterday I told Henry that Taemin’s voice reminds me of an opulent, ridiculously expensive rich old lady’s shawl from the 1920s. It’s definitely mauve with various elements of silk, crushed velvet and lace. Delicate, but will keep you warm while making you feel pretty.
9:35am: We’re in Evansburg PA whatever that means. Henry said something about stopping to get Dave Mallo Cups on the way back and I swear he said we were stopping at the Gay Palace and I got sooooo excited without even knowing what it was. Also, here is Chooch in the span of 30 seconds:
9:49am: Henry gets so mad when I imitate him because I make him sound like someone from The Hills Have Eyes, drunk off moonshine, whose parents are siblings. “I DONT TALK LIKE THAT! STOP MAKING ME SOUND LIKE THAT! IM GOING TO START TALKING LIKE THAT IN PUBLIC JUST TO EMBARRASS YOU!”
10:04am: Chris just texted me because she’s talking about Kpop with one of the students on the tour in DC she’s guiding (BECAUSE SHE IS A TOUR GUIDE IN CASE YOU DIDNT KNOW) and now that girl and I are Instagram friends thanks to Chris! I need all the Kpop friends I can get!
10:12am: OK I just put on “Love” by Taemin to try and get Henry to understand my elegant, vintage shawl analogy and he still doesn’t get it so I will leave this here and you can tell me if his voice makes you feel like you’re being gently hugged by luxurious French fabric from the 1920s.
No, watch this one instead! This song makes me weep.
10:55am: Just left the second Sheetz of the trip. I drank half a gallon of water and it took me a while to pee. Here is selfie #2 where I look happier because I’m more awake and caffeinated and over the anger caused by the early-morning tire-change.
12:47pm: ANGER HAS RETURNED. Well you see first henry made me use a restroom in a gas station where three of the four stalls were jam-packed with poop and now he has us at a shitty elderly people restaurant that has no meatless options on the menu, not even a grilled cheese, but he won’t leave. Wow.
Fuck this hick place we left and now Henry is so angry because he can’t eat all of the bloody meat. Sorry, I’m not wasting my time and money at a shitty place in a shitty town. Why is it so hard for him to understand that?! “I hate doing this,” he mumbled when we walked out and I’m like, “Why? I have no fucking problems with it. Grow a pair, Henry.” God he’s so spineless sometimes.
For the record, he told me to find somewhere to eat and I found a place that was literally a minute away from the shitty gas station and he drove past once and couldn’t find it and was like OH WELL IT DOESNT EXIST LETS GET BACK ON THE HIGHWAY SO THAT I CAN FIND MORW WAYS TO RUIN YOUR LIFE.
The restaurant was called ARROWHEAD and it has a LIFESIZE NATIVE AMERICAN DOLL BEHIND GLASS and that sounds amazing but I guess it would gone over Henry’s “fun quota” for the day so here we are, hungry and not speaking to each other.
1:43pm: Henry just fed us lunch from a rest stop vending machine. Mmm, Sour Cream & Chives Baked Lays. Really hit the spot. NO, IT DIDN’T. Also I think it’s hilarious that we’re driving through the Poconos, a destination for LOVERS, when Henry and I hate each other lol.
1:56pm: OK now we’re in the drive-thru at Burger King in some town because at least they have veggie burgers and now we’re just in a hurry to get to where we’re going but when the lady asked Henry if he wanted anything else, he said “Yes two cheeseburgers” and I was like “WHOA WHOA WHOA WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU CAN EAT TOO?!”
3:14pm: Somewhere near Newark. Henry and I are sort of talking now. But once we get to the hotel, all bets are off because I’m certain he booked some bed bug box because that’s what he’s known for.
3:20pm OMG you guys it’s not even a Red Roof Inn but a Red CARPET Inn. RED WITH BLOOD STAINS. This place is a dump!! “IT’S ALL I COULD FIND!!!” Henry yelled. Apparently there’s a lot going on in Newark this weekend. !???!
OK fine the actual room is not bad at all. It’s actually kind of big and more importantly – clean.
Chooch and I are watching Henry fetch our bags while singing jingles in a Bullwinkle voice.
LOLOLOL he just yelled YOURE MESSING WITH THE WRONG PERSON.
3:53pm: OMG our Lyft driver has very broken English and is telling us jokes and making us do puzzles on a calculator.
4:09pm: Attempting to go to NYC for a little bit since Newark is a shit town with nothing to do. Henry is asking tourist-y questions so I won’t stand near him.
5:02pm: In Penn Station. We all sat separately on the train and it was heavenly. Chooch made friends with th ppl he sat with of course. Also, Seoul Station is a billion times better.
6:43pm: Sitting in Central Park after Chooch dragged us all around catching Pokémon, so lame. You know what’s not lame though? ACCIDENTALLY RUNNING INTO SUPER JUNIOR NEAR TIMES SQUARE AND CHOOCH GETTING HIS PICTURE TAKEN WITH SHINDOG AND MY HANDS MIGHT STILL BE SHAKING BECAUSE DO YOU KNOW HOW CLOSE HE’S BEEN TO TAEMIN???!!!!