Feb 212017
 

I took a day off work because I have some kind of cold/allergy thing happening (I can never tell the difference) and was so miserable yesterday that Dr. Amber was like OMG STAY HOME TOMORROW. So I did and I’m still sick but also BORED. I absolutely do not know how to rest. I did go back to sleep for an hour after sending Chooch off to school, so there’s that. Progress?

So far today, I have: 

  • washed three dishes, 
  • eaten a bowl of cereal because I can’t prepare Korean breakfasts for myself, 
  • watched some BTS videos, 
  • called Henry to whine, 
  • texted Lisa to whine (she’s going to call me later so I can whine out loud), 
  • watched a compilation video of BIGBANG eating, 
  • watched a compilation video of G-Dragon laughing, 
  • played with a packing peanut with Drew, 
  • groaned a lot, cried to some Balance & Composure which strangely is what I was doing a year ago today according to TimeHop. 

It’s not even 11:00am yet!!!

What do you guys do when you’re sick?? Henry goes straight upstairs and sleeps for like 6 days. I can’t do that. I’m just sitting here on the couch, fully dressed, wanting something to do but every time I stand up, I get* dizzy and have to sit back down. 

*(autocorrect tried to change “get” to “GD” because I text Henry about G-Dragon so much lol.)

I should probably take some type of medicine at some point. Yesterday, I went upstairs at work to the first aid cabinet thing for generic cold medicine and got one of them stuck in my throat, which was the highlight of Glenn’s work day. Then Wendy walked by and was all, “Aw, because Henry’s not here to crush them up for you?” UGH WENDY. 

Then I stupidly said something about never knowing which kind of pill I need and Glenn was all, “they don’t make pills for what you have.” Walked right into that web. 

Maybe I’ll make this is a liveblog so check back I guess. I hate today. FUCK YOU IMMUNE SYSTEM. 

Now it’s 11:30 and I have:

  • Talked to Lisa on the phone,
  • Played referee to a cat melee,
  • Cleaned up dirt from a succulent pot that drew knocked off the windowsill
  • Checked for a fever but I can’t tell because I used the back of my hand and not a thermometer

I want to watch an episode of Boys Over Flowers but Henry will cry if I watch it without him. He won’t watch Walking Dead anymore (he lost interest but it’s probably just too confusing for him) so he laid in bed while Chooch and I watched it Sunday night, then he came back down when it was over and casually mumbled, “Uh, let’s watch Boys Over Flowers.” He’s Team Jun Pyo. 

Every time I try to sit up, I fall back down. I want to go outside :(

Now it’s 1:22pm. I have done nothing but watch vlogs about Korea and whimper. THEN THE LIGHTBULB BURNT OUT IN THE LAMP IN THE LIVING ROOM AND I DONT KNOW WHERE HENRY KEEPS THE LIGHTBULBS. So I cried. 

I CRIED BECAUSE I CANT DO ANYTHING CAN I?!

2:09pm catch-up:

  • Tried to reheat the leftover ramyun henry made for dinner last night but it needed more ramyun in it so I was like paralyzed in front of the stove trying to cook ramyun and then when it was time to fry the egg, FORGET IT. what a disaster. I am truly sorry that I did that to you, Egg. 
  • Mistakenly told Henry that I thought I ruined his pan in my egg frying odyssey and he was like MY NEW KOREAN PAN? STAY AWAY FROM MY NEW PAN! OMG I HAVE TO GO, IM MAD. He probably went to blow off some steam by smashing his other foot with the pallet jack. Boyfriend suffers many injuries at the hand of the pallet jack.
  • My right eye is not as swollen as it was when I woke up this morning so I look less like Sloth from Goonies but still not Ready For The Public. 
  • So tired of this couch. 
  • My right contact had the shape of a coffee filter but I still put it in my eye. But when I inevitably start complaining about going blind like I do bi-monthly, just please conveniently forget this. 
  • I think my muscles are atrophying. 

All I want for dinner is a sun-hahahahaha-daeeeeeeee. A grasshopper one! 

2:28 update:

  • I’m not saying I’m magic but I was listening to Balance & Composure today and crying, as you do when you listen to sad boy music, and then they just announced their spring tour which is coming to Pgh! I’m so excited. Hardly any shows have been coming through here lately that I have been stoked for, which is actually good because I’m trying to save money, but still. I want something to get me stoked! And it’s not like I’ll be seeing BIGBANG anytime soon. (OR EVER.)
  • Guess where I am??!! Still on the couch, half-laying down.  
  • Chooch should be coming home from school soon so I’ll have companionship. UNLESS HE DITCHES ME FOR HIS FRIENDS. 

4:07pm updates:

  • Chooch never even came home because he went to that godforsaken gaming place with his friend and Henry still isn’t home and I finally moved off the couch and couldn’t stand up straight for almost an entire minute!!!
  • Texted with Chris about Enrique & Julio Iglesias and then we changed Henry’s name to Henrique.
  • Now I’m watching the video for Miguel’s “All I Want Is You” and having FEELINGS. In 2013, I had a mix CD (seriously a mix CD) that had the entire Downtown Battle Mountain 2 on it and this song, and it spun on repeat in my bedroom for a good five months. No joke – you can ask henry. He wanted to defenestrate himself by week three. 
  • Honestly how do you people “rest.” I ALMOST fell asleep once today but then I got bored. 
  • Every time I move, my face leaks. 
  • Both of the cats dipped out on me a few hours ago so I have been ALL ALONE. 
  • I tried to clean my room but then I started wheezing so back to the couch for me. :(:(:(:(

Also I watched this video like 88 times because of that 5 second acapello “If You” at the end OH MY HEART. 

HENRIQUE IS HOME AND HE BROUGHT ME A GRASSHOPPER SUNDAE! I can’t taste it though :(

5:27pm updates:

  • Henry left me again to go pick up Chooch from the gaming place and there is some guy in my driveway talking. In a heart-stopping moment, I thought Boots was back so I legit rolled my ass off the couch and peered out the window but it was just some guy and a dog talking to Hot Naybor Chris. 
  • Henry just came home and I made him hug me twice BECAUSE IM SO SAD SICK & LONELY. 
  • I feel worse now. Like a swarm of hornets is nesting inside my forehead. 
  • HENRY IS THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO I LIKE TO HUG. He’s not honored by this though. 

7:35pm update:

Everything in my sinuses is solidifying and now I feel like I was hit in the face with Henry’s new Korean pan that I did not ruin in my egg-frying odyssey. 

What I’ve done since my last check-in:

  • Watched a bunch of live BIGBANG videos
  • Watched some eatyourkimchi vlogs with Henry. 
  • Stole a piece of Henry’s pizza and bit into it even though he told me it was hot and now I have a burnt mouth in addition to splitting sinuses. 
  • Got henry to discuss Kpop. He likes BIGBANG but his review of the other boy idol groups is: “they just like, dance in a V, right?” And then he shrugged because dancing in a v doesn’t impress Henrique the Kpop Judge. 

I think we are going to watch Boys Over Flowers now after Henry crushes up some medicine for me. LOL just kidding. 

He’ll roll it up in a piece of cheese. 

(He just said, “You didn’t take any of this today?!” And I was like “No. I didn’t know what to do” and now he’s acting all disappointed in my lack of independence like this is some new discovery.)

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Feb 192017
 

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Another post full of bulleted nonsense. Such a blogger. Imagine if I had actually finished college and got that English writing degree.  (I just imagined it and I’m greeting people at Walmart.)

  • For a brief window last weekend, Henry had taken over the TV and put on English programming, which was mildly annoying, but at least it was some Gordon Ramsay thing on YouTube and not American bullshit. When Gordon said “rack of lamb” and I was shocked because I was fully expecting him to say “rackalacka,” I knew it was time to get some rest in a dark room somewhere underground, probably for the rest of winter, next to a bear.
  • We got some snow two weeks ago, when Boots was still our neighbor, and Henry texted me at work to tell me that he was shoveling his sidewalk with a drywall knife. I turned around to immediately inform Glenn of this update, because my co-workers are invested in this drama. Then after a brief pause, I said, “I don’t even know what that is.” A minute later, I received an email from Glenn with a picture of a drywall knife. “Oh. Yeah, if I had been home, I would have just thought he was using a sharp dustpan.” THE IRONY IS THAT MY PAPPAP OWNED A DRYWALL COMPANY, LOL. I clearly only paid attention to the shiny things that drywall company afforded me to have.
  • Speaking of! There was a discussion about cough drops one day at work, and Nate and I agreed that Ricola are superior, the actually Bae of Cough Suppressants. “I got to blow into one of those ricola horns in Switzerland,” I not-so-humblebragged. Glenn needed more information, so I explained that we were at a dinner show for my 10th birthday, and the performers were letting people on stage to blow into those horns they play in the Ricola commercials (hence “ricola horn” duh) and my family was totally shocked that I went up on my accord to participate because I was so shy when I was that age. “Wow, your grandparents took you all over the place, didn’t they,” Glenn said, for once not saying anything disparaging about one of my beautiful stories. “Yeah,”  I laughed. “It didn’t really prepare me for being a poor adult.”
  • There’s this song by Girl’s Generation called “Lion heart” and every time I hear it, the beginning of it sounds similar to an older song from the 70s and it was driving me NUTS because I couldn’t think of it. So I played Lion Heart for Henry and he was like QUESTION MARK. All I could come up with was that the song I was thinking of was in the Jacki Sorensen Encore aerobics video I used to fuck with all the time when I was younger, and Henry was like, “Yeah, that clue doesn’t help me at all.” Anyway, I was able to find a tracklist for that Jacki Sorensen VHS (I CAN BUY IT ON VINYL FOR $4!!!) and immediately knew it was Rita Coolidge’s classic late 70s hit “Higher and Higher.” So I played it for Henry back to back with Lion Heart and he just gave me a noncommittal shrug in response. ANYWAY, I’m only telling you this because the next night we went to Eat n Park for dinner and while Henry was at the salad bar, HIGHER AND HIGHER came on so I started yelling, “Henry!!!” was desperately pointing at the speakers in the ceiling while trying to mime “LISTEN TO WHAT SONG IT IS” and it took him awhile but then he understood and laughed. What the fuck is up with Eat n Park and their psychic soundsystem? This just happened two weeks ago when Chooch was singing “Summer of ’69” and it started playing at the same time. Something else happened there too, music-related, but now I can’t remember, however, I can remember the table we were sitting at. So there’s that. Also, Boz Scaggs.

I mean, it’s not exact, but it was similar enough to trigger a correlation in my brain, so step off.

  • If you don’t work with me, you won’t care about this, but we’ve implemented a red light as an AUDIT ALERT. Sandy actually had this idea about a year ago, but for some reason, we never did anything about it. Then on Friday, Lou came out of the printer room with an audit in his hand and said, “There really needs to be a light or something that will let us know when there are audits over there.” Long story short: audits are the only thing we do I our department un-electronically. Like, we actually print that shit out and put it in a tray for someone to pick up. It’s very vintage. Anyway, after Lou said that, I pulled out the old lamp that I used three Halloweens ago when I decorated my desk like a funeral home. It’s just been chillin’ under my desk this whole time. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU’LL FIND UNDER THERE, OK. There were no available outlets to plug it in over where the audits actually reside, but since most of the people who handle the audits sit near me, we felt that putting it on the ledge next to my desk would suffice. Commence a day full of Red Light District and Roxanne jokes. I turned it on once to try it out and Chris came running out of his office in fake audit panic. When there actually was an audit, I turned on the lamp but then panicked because it was so bright, so then I blurted out, “LOU THERE’S AN AIUDIT!” and turned off the lamp. Todd and Glenn were simultaneously like, “What the hell is the point of the lamp if you’re just going to yell that there’s an audit?” and then they were mocking me and saying, “LOU, DINNER’S READY” because I guess I sounded like his mom, ugh. “This is going to have a Pavlov’s effect on them,” Glenn mumbled. “They’re going to start drooling every time the light turns on.” Then I proposed that I start chucking Asian candy at whoever brings the audit back to me and everyone seemed on board with that idea. I’m going to look for spiky ones next time I’m at the Asian market.
  • Anyway, all this succeeded in doing was setting off my Giddy Meter, and I had to put my head down at one point because I was choking on giggles. And this reminded me of the time in 8th grade when my homeroom teacher put a chair in the hallway and made me sit out there every time I was overcome with giddiness.
    • Being this giddy and thinking about 8th grade gave me flashbacks to the GREATEST STORY OF MY WHOLE LIFE, and that is one about The Man Who Crossed the Street. This is a TRUE STORY which you can read by clicking that link but if you had the good fortune of sitting near me at work on Friday, then you got to hear me regale a bunch of confused ears with a real life re-telling of this story, in between actual chokes on laughter. After work, I was trying to tell Henry that I told everyone this story but I started laughing all over again and he was just like, “Oh god, that story? I’ll never understand why it’s so funny.” Then Henry said that he wouldn’t be surprised if my giddy bray got me moved to solitary confinement at work, or Gayle’s hallway.
    • What this taught me is that I’m basically the same person I was in 8th grade. I think I’m OK with that.
      • My only explanation is that I had two head injuries during my formative years. Cut me some slack, you guys.
        • Toward the end of the day, Sue came over and said, “OK Lucy, ‘splain” and nodded toward the lamp. She seemed shock that this was actually work-related and admitted that she thought Glenn was trying to be mean to me (LOL, “trying”). Then she said, “But where did the lamp come from?” And I was like, “Oh, it’s from my funeral desk.” After she walked away, I said to Lauren, “That sounds so normal in my head….” and Lauren finished, “But every time you say it out loud, it’s like you realize and then you stutter!” and then oh how we laughed.
          • My favorite part was when Sandy walked by and announced, “Ooh, the audit light’s on! There’s an audit!” and then Ethan came out of his office to get the audit, so Sandy said, “See, it works!” “I didn’t know the light was on until I heard you say that the light was on,” Ethan said, dashing all of our hopes and dreams.

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(^^^SEE? IT WAS A BIG DEAL.)

  • Henry’s kimbap and banchan is off the charts lately. He even taught (I almost typed “teached” there – so what you’re telling me is that I’d be a great candidate for US Secretary of Education) Chooch how to roll kimbap after he expressed interest. EVERYTHING RULES IN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW.
  • You know what America needs? A fucking hero. Maybe it could have been HENRY if he hadn’t gone AWOL from the SERVICE all those years ago. Good one, Henry. Can I nominate G-Dragon as our hero?

  • One of my work friends asked me if I got my hair cut the other day and I said no because my memory might be malfunctioning on the daily but I knew for a fact that I haven’t been to a salon in a very long time, but then hours later, I replayed that short conversation in my head and realized that I’M A LIAR because I had recently cut my own hair, so yes – yes, I did get my hair cut. I swear I’m not a pathological liar.
    • I honestly cut my hair with half-rusted scissors and get more compliments now than when I paid $100 at a salon. HOW.
    • I cut my hair myself because I love the sound of scissors on dry hair. Fight me.
  • Last night, Henry was watching live BIGBANG performances on YouTube all on his own. He’s never done that with any other band I like, just saying.
  • I just told Chooch he’s annoying and Henry snapped, “you’re both annoying.”

ON THAT NOTE.

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Feb 182017
 

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Today was a perfect Saturday, mostly because we all got along (an amazing feat) and Chooch even let me take pictures of him without any push-and-pull or bribery! However, when I asked him what we should call this photo set, he said, “I don’t give a fuck” so there you go. IDGAF.

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The other night, Chooch told me that I looked like Lady Gaga threw up on me. I’ll take that as a compliment.

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That eyebrow/scowl combo, you guys.

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Chooch got his hair cut last Friday by some guy with a handlebar moustache. It looks nothing like the picture of TOP we gave the barber for reference, but it’ll do. Henry bitched the whole time about the salon being such a hipster cesspool, but then pacified himself by perusing the barber’s own line of beard oil. Oh, Henry.

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Afterward, we walked to Scoops to get ice cream and even though the place was packed, I felt no anxiety at all. On another day, I probably would have said NOPE and left Henry and Chooch standing half inside the shop. That’s how I know for sure today is a good day. I think Korea is saving my life.

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Feb 172017
 

It’s nothing new that I have a penchant for foreign candy and love offering it up at work. I usually have some type of concerning confection in my broken candy urn at any given time, like the durian taffy that still haunts Jamie five years later.  (Currently, there are some kind of coffee things from the Netherlands that have been festering in there since over the summer.) I like to think that people are just afraid of slicing a tendon from sticking their hand in between shards of jagged ceramic, so maybe it’s more of a safety thing and not so much a desire to not activate their gag reflex.

I recently brought in some Asian candy even though Henry always yells, “YOU KNOW YOU’RE PROBABLY NOT GOING TO LIKE IT!” And he’s right a lot of the time. This time I like 2 out of 3 of the shit I bought.

The loser of this batch was a bag of curious rice krispie-looking things called Uncle Pop Baked Puffs. I opened one the night before I took them to work and both cats came rushing over and practically mauled me for it. I took one taste and the verdict was in pretty quickly: NOPE.

It tasted like a pizzelle that had been soaked in water, microwaved, fried, and then soaked in water again – the texture was more of BLOATED puff, not baked. And then for whatever reason, there were bits of dried kiwi stuck to it.

The aftertaste was shelf.

I set it down on the table and the cats started fighting each other for it and then tore that shit up.

“There’s gotta be fish in this,” Henry murmured, squinting at the ingredients.

Then Penelope tried to break into my work purse to get the rest!

Something to consider.

The next day at work, I filled up one of my plastic trick-or-treat pumpkins with the new eastern goods, hoping that a universally-accepted candy receptacle with no sharp pieces might entice more reaches.

People have been enjoying the Asian candies all week (one is coconut but has a honeycomb on the wrapper, and the other is some chocolate thing with a happy boy on the wrapper), but everyone is skeptical of the Unclepops. Glenn and Shannon unanimously voted it off the island, but Todd said that it wasn’t the worst thing he ever had ever eaten and that he might consider eating it again if he was starving.

But there were no other takers for over a week. I even put one in Lauren’s candy helmet to try to trick a bitch because no one would ever suspect Lauren of such villainy. But no one would take it.

Then the other day, Nate came over and, after getting sexually harassed by Catherine, I decided WHY STOP THERE and attempted to harass his taste buds too so I coaxed him into trying an Unclepop.

His review was that it tasted like stale stuffing.

“But wait…now it kind of tastes sweet….yeah, I’d dunk this in coffee for sure,” he said, finishing it off. We were all amazed and awed at this display of brave eats.

“Nate ate one of those gross Asian rice krispie things!” I told Henry as I got in the car after work.

“You mean those things that I told you to throw out because they expired a year ago?” Henry frowned, his everyday mask of disappointment fastened tightly over his face. “You’re feeding people expired food?!”

Wow. Somehow I missed that part.

No wonder they tasted like shelf to me!

The next day,  I went to work and threw them out. I mean, I don’t think anyone will die. My cats are still alive.

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Feb 152017
 

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I wish this outfit still fit Chooch.

Oh who am I kidding – I wish this outfit fit me.

When I was that age, I was wearing frumpy knee-length skirts and moccasins WITH SOCKS.

Now Chooch is at the age where it’s harder to find cool clothes for him, so I decided that I’m going to buy Henry a sewing machine and he’s going to start making the clothes I design for Chooch – it’ll be like a little Brookline sweatshop! (Better than a little Brookline methlab though, amirite.) So far, everything I designed for him (in my head – I don’t fuck with sketches) has lots of sequins, fun-fur and stuffed animal heads.

Clothing design is one of the few artsy things I haven’t dabbled in yet, but I’m sure I will become poor-to-mediocre at that as well, in due time. Just like jewelry-making and flash fiction! 

I know I drive Chooch nuts with my rabid control over his wardrobe, but if I leave it up to him and Henry, he’ll be wearing over-sized Minecraft shirts and shapeless jeans and I won’t allow that. He’s either going to grow up with the unbridled confidence to be fashionably adventurous (LIKE G-DRAGON <3), or he’s going to wear Crocs and stained Steelers seeatshirts.

I guess I’ll still love him either way….?

I think the moral of this uninspired post is that I’m bored as fuck and need a new hobby because blogging and fake-painting make me yawn. In other words: Get your thread and bobbins, Henry Robbins!

ETA: I just filled Henry in and he said “How does your new hobby involve me seeing?” LOL oh Henry. 

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Feb 142017
 

Some years I get really into Valentines Day and pass cards out at work, bake Henry a cake, make him a painting of us, blah blah blah. But then other years, I’m too preoccupied with other things to be bothered. Considering I don’t even know what day it is half the time anymore, I didn’t have great expectations or grand plans for this year’s V-Day.

And it started off kind of bad because I SLEPT IN and I NEVER SLEEP IN. I fell asleep on the couch last night, watching Running Man episodes on YouTube, and I guess my phone slid in between the couch cushions so I didn’t hear BIGBANG serenading me this morning, THE FUCK.

Thank god for Chooch’s friend Dimajio. He comes over every morning at 7:20 so that they can talk about important things such as if they refer to Gatorade by color or actual flavor name before walking to school together, so his knocking was my makeshift alarm.

I thought this was a sign of A Bad Day Ahead, but then I got to work and found a bag of Cadbury dark chocolate hearts on my desk:

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The heart on the bag said “One of a kind” which is also a G-Dragon song and then Henry was like CALL ME ASAP so I did and he was like BOOTS WAS ARRESTED! BEST VALENTINES DAY EVER!

(Glenn’s heart said “You’re terrific” and I was like HARDLY.)

This calls for its own blog post, especially once I get more 411, but the best part is that the landlord told Henry that now in lieu of trying to evict Boots (which, I’m no landlord, but I hear that evicting people isn’t always the easiest thing), he can now file for abandonment of the property or something, so that Boots can’t come back. There have been people quietly moving their shit out of there all night, so I feel HASHTAG BLESSED.

Later in the afternoon, Henry surprised me by being Facebook-affectionate, which is a rare occurrence indeed, so rare that people were like, “HAHAH HACKED” and then I was like, “NICE ONE, HENRY. You’re nice to me so infrequently that my friends literally think I posted this myself!”

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I assure you I didn’t. I would have used a better picture.

(I have to admit, I really did do a double-take when I opened up my Facebook app and saw the “feeling in love with Erin Rachelle Kelly” part.)

And then after work, Henry gave me a BIGBANG sweater!! I might have cried a little bit. I actually told him a few days that I didn’t want anything for Valentines Day unless it was Korean, but it appears that he was one step ahead of me. I was so happy with this that I let him go to sleep after he made dinner and I didn’t even bother him!

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(Meanwhile, I just went upstairs and walked in on Chooch watching Twilight and crying, the fuck. I think we’re all going through identity crises. Chooch is now a middle-aged housewife and I’m a Korean teenager.)

I guess this is the part where I say something sweet about Henry. Um, I’ll just say it inside my head.

So, that was my exciting Made Up Holiday That Doesn’t Matter, except on the years that Henry actually gets me shit that I want!

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Signing off with a Valentines Day Edition BIGBANG video, you are so very welcome (#TURTLENECKGOALS):

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Feb 132017
 

PICTURE IT: Somewhere around 10:00 Saturday Night (but not 10:15). Chooch and I had recently finished our Kpop workout and were hanging out with Henry, eating ice cream (just plain American kinds, ugh) and watching some Korean variety shows, WHEN THERE CAME A KNOCK UPON THE DOOR. Cue Chooch and me screaming and running away like we were about to be raided (for what, having too many clowns?) while Henry calmly rose to see to the knocking. I just had this sinking feeling that it was Boots, or someone for Boots, OR MAYBE THE GAS MAN? Even though it’s been 7 years since we’ve been on sour terms with the gas company. I think I have PTSD, and door-knocking triggers me.

“It’s just Chris and Monica,” Henry sighed, at which point Chooch and I tentatively came back into the room, hearts still pounding, trying to laugh off our unfounded paranoia. (In their defense, they didn’t actually ambush us like a plain-clothed SWAT team. They texted me but I was in Korean mode and ignoring the non-Hangul transmissions on my phone.)

I feel like Henry probably flashed Chris and Monica his best, most penetrating HOSTAGE EYES every time I wasn’t looking, as if to say, “PLEASE HELP ME ESCAPE LITTLE KOREA. SHE’S LIKE KIM JONG-UN UP IN HERE. I MADE MUNG BEAN PORRIDGE TODAY — MUNG BEAN PORRIDGE!  I JUST WANT TO WATCH NCIS AND EAT A FUCKING CHEESEBURGER AND LISTEN TO THE MOTHERBITCHIN’ EAGLES, AMERICA, AMERICA, GOD SHED HIS GRACE ON THEE!”

But they were just like, “Did you hear something? Why do I suddenly feel oppressed?” and I was all, “That was probably just the sound of the frightened patriarchy, hey let’s talk about kpop and our reproductive rights!”

Can you believe we haven’t seen Chronica since our Christmas party?! The horrors! So even though they were just passing through, it was still awesome to get to hang out for a bit, talking about boners (DON’T WORRY IT’S JUST LOCKER ROOM TALK) and what I eat on my K-diet.

Henry took the floor to brag about his K-cooking prowess (he even bought a pan that’s made in Korea), but then I chimed in that usually the only time I don’t eat a Korean meal is for breakfast during the week because I’m left to  my own devices and mostly end up just eating a piece of bread.

“That’s so sad,” Chris said in a voice that could have been translated to mean, “Monica, let’s adopt Erin.”

They needed to leave by 10:30, so at 10:24 I cried, “WAIT! Before you leave, will you watch ONE, just ONE, BIGBANG video?” and they were like, “….yes, question mark question mark” at which point my brain nearly exploded trying to choose JUST ONE video, so I let Chooch do it and he cooly suggestion Fxxk It. So that’s what we watched while Chooch and I sniped at each other about who likes them more and then I squealed, “ISN’T G-DRAGON THE PRETTIEST PERON IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE” and Monica said that yes, she thought that maybe he was.

“Second to my wife,” she wisely added.

And then they left while they still knew some of the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

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Feb 122017
 

This picture has nothing to do with anything but I figured since my brain is basically just skull porridge anymore, why should my blog make any sense. 

Currently, Henry is trying to sleep while I’m laying here talking out loud about Al Jarreau dying but then it went right back to BIGBANG because that’s all I’m capable of talking about anymore. 

“We should get one of those giant engineer prints of G-Dragon and then hang it right up there,” I said, making a square with my hands and pointing it toward to the ceiling above the bed. 

And then I BURST INTO TEARS. 

“What am I going to do when they’re all in the military?” I cried, and then, confused at what to do next, I started laughing. This is a Normal Emotional Display for me, but I still blurted out, “What is wrong with me??”

“More than meets the eye,” Henry sighed. 

Maybe he’ll feel bad enough to get me that G-Dragon print for Valentines Day. 

MAYBE THIS ONE

Update: I waited 10 minutes and asked again. He said no. 

“But I thought you liked him?” I prodded

“Yeah but that doesn’t mean I want a picture of him above my bed.”

THAT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME. 

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Feb 112017
 

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Penelope Ann Killer, a/k/a Peen Lop, Jon Benet, Penis.

Talent: expert subtitle blocker.

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Drew “Nightmare” Walden, a/k/a Chooch’s Dumb Cat, Drewbaru, Drew Beringer.

Talent: looking dopey and surprised, constantly.

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We’ve had these furry little jerks for over a year now! Penelope lets me cuddle with her but NOT DREW and that pisses me off. Chooch said it’s because she hates me but Marcy more than hated me and even she let me cuddle with her occasionally. I think Drew is just defective.

Anyway, remember how we told Chooch that we were taking him to his new foster home when we were really taking him to someone’s house to pick out a kitten(s)? God, that was so much fun. I think being a parent really suits me. At least the psychological warfare part of it, anyway.

Meow meow.

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Feb 092017
 

TOP from BIGBANG has officially enlisted in the Korean military, and then Taeyang posted this fan art on Instagram and Chooch and I literally cried. 

Real tears – you can ask Henry. Here, I’ll do it for you. 

Me: Henry what did me and Chooch do when TOP enlisted in the Korean military?

Henry: Is this a test? Cry?

PASS. 

Liking Kpop is the worst thing ever because groups disband constantly and super early in their careers, and then the boy groups all eventually have to enlist and in BIGBANG’s case, TOP is the first, and then supposedly G-Dragon and Taeyang will go later this year, and then Daesung and Seungri in 2018 (although some things I read said 2019 for Seungri). So it could be like 5 years until they’re all out and together again and who knows if they will continue as BIGBANG? I might never ever ever get to see them live and that makes my heart feel like its bloated with poisoned pond water. BIGBANG has been my security blanket these last several months, like from morning until I come home from work it’s all Misery Business, and then once I’m home it’s all LETS WATCH ANOTHER BIGBANG VIDEO/BIGBANG APPEARANCE ON A VARIETY SHOW/BIGBANG LIVE PERFORMANCE and I feel so happy and safe. 

Let me put this in perspective: I get notifications that Emarosa posted something on Instagram and I’m like, “oh. It’s just Emarosa.” It’s like BIGBANG has pushed every other band out of my heart — there is no room for anyone else to swim in the poison pond water! 


G-dragon was there with TOP when he got his military haircut yesterday and posted this picture, breaking a million+ hearts. 

Chooch wanted me to sign off with Last Dance, which will end up being the last song they ever made if they don’t continue as BIGBANG after all this dumb military stuff, ugh. </3 I need to find a support group. 

And my choice for the sign off of this depressing blog post is the equally depressing video for Haru Haru, which will actually make my eyes well up just by thinking about it. Also, I love young BIGBANG!

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Feb 082017
 

The balloons we got for the baby shower two weeks ago are still lingering. I guess Henry paid like, a whole dollar extra for some sort of helium steroids. I don’t know. But there are numerous survivors, clinging on to their last high-pitched super helium breath.

It’s to the point where I’ve grown accustomed to having them in the house, like unpredictably relocating pieces of home decor.

Drew’s still not a fan though.

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So I decided that now I need to always have balloons in the house. The current ones are almost all sunk so maybe this weekend I’ll go get more. WHAT COLORS THOUGH?!!

But then Henry snapped, “These fucking balloons have got to go!!” and started popping them right in front of me. What a brute!! TT.TT

I guess he forgot when I woke him up in the middle of the night last week to tell him that we need to always have balloons in the house and he said OK.

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Feb 072017
 

Here’s some weekend pictures and words, like a PICTUREBOOK. Which is really more than I’m capable of producing anymore. My brain. It’s deflating. For instance, today I couldn’t figure out why the elevator wasn’t coming and then I realized, “OH IT’S BECAUSE I’M STANDING HERE SLAPPING MY ID BADGE AT THE BUTTON INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY PRESSING IT WITH MY FINGER.”

Anyway, proceed to the bullets.

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  • There was only one low point to the weekend and of course it was Boots related. First, here’s a picture of his refrigerator, a/k/a his bedroom window ledge. I think I mentioned recently that he has some dude living over there now. Well, they were fighting like TWO BITCHES Saturday morning. From what I could gather, Boots was angry because Guy had his bedroom door locked, and Guy was like, “BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO REST, MOTHERFUCKER! I JUST WANT TO DRINK MY COFFEE AND EAT MY FUCKING DONUT WITHOUT YOU BOTHERING ME!” and then Boots was all “*BACKWOODS BARKING*” and all I could get out of it was “RENT” and Guy was like, “I PAY MY RENT MOTHERFUCKER! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE ANY MONEY!” and then more shit about how Boots doesn’t have any friends (the recurring theme here is friends and money) and then Guy said something about going in his bag and seeing that three packs were missing so it sounds like Boots is stealing from him, JUST LIKE HOW HE STOLE PHYLLIS’S CEREAL! It sounds like Boots was following him around the house like a pest, and then Boots left and slithered down the street like Gumby (that’s what Todd calls him because he said when I was imitating him at work, I looked like Gumby).
    • The rest of the day was SLAM SLAM SLAM with that front door and finally I straight lost my mind and started screaming at the wall and Henry hissed, “ERIN STOP” but I couldn’t! I have so much pent up rage from every part of my life that I just funneled it all out against our shared wall and called him every insulting synonym for “uneducated motherfucker” that I could muster and I started throwing my shoes against the wall for good measure and Henry was just like, “OK whatever, you cant be stopped.”
      • My favorite part was later that night when we were walking home from Eat n Park and Boots was walking down the sidewalk toward us, which made me excited because I wanted to do something, and I could see Henry visibly clench and attempt to grab my wrist which is what that big brute does when he’s trying to box me in (lol, just kidding – he can’t contain me), but it was too late: as Boots passed us, I started making full-body vomiting noises, which naturally cracked up Chooch but totally disappointed Henry. “Why do you have to act like that?!” he cried, and then stormed off ahead of his preteen kids.

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  • Henry made gyeranmari for breakfast on Sunday and I said a low key religious spell in my head so that I NEVER EVER EVER LOSE HIM. Find yourself someone who can keep up when your lifestyle changes on a whim.

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  • That time Chooch was singing “Summer of ’69” and then it came on at Eat n Park. 🔮
  • At some point over the weekend, I had to explain to Henry what “shipping” means, as in “I ship this fictional character with that fictional character” or like, “I ship Donald Trump with a fiery pit of acid tires.” He just can’t ever grasp the concept of shipping, I guess because he’s a 51-year-old man and not a teenager or 30-something woman on the Internet.

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  • Saturday evening nap (see also: proof that I sometimes “allow” #poorHenry to sleep).
  • Guys, Chooch has finally crossed over to the beautiful Korean side of the house and has admitted that he likes BIGBANG and that TOP is his bias. He even designed his Sims character after TOP! I also tricked him into doing KpopX with me at first he was so put-out about it, but then last night he ripped his headphones off and cried, “You’re doing Russian Roulette without me?!?!” and ran over to join me in whipping my hands around like guns. He’s also really into a routine we do for Hyuna’s “How This” which is basically one long aggressive pelvic thrust.
    • Speaking of Sims, Chooch had a 45 minute meltdown Saturday night because he couldn’t get TOP to go into his house, and then, very calmly, he said, “Oh. I didn’t have a door on my house.” And then the house went back to being quiet. LOL JK our house is never quiet are you kidding. It sounds like one endless concert in here always.

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  • Fucked with Chooch’s hair and seriously peed my pants a little when it came out like this. I made him an actual hair appointment for Friday and he chose one of TOP’s hairstyles to show the barber! I tried not to squeal too loud because as soon as he knows that something pleases me, he’ll do the opposite.
    • There’s a picture of the barber on the salon’s website and he looks like a total hipster so if he can’t curate Chooch’s locks in a similar fashion as TOP’s, I’m going to kick over his PBR.

  • This is not the barber. This is TOP. He’s enlisting in the Korean military in TWO DAYS ugh. TT.TT

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  • My favorite thing about Sundays is that Chooch has his piano lesson and his teacher Cheryl lives minutes away from the Asian market mecca otherwise known as the Strip District. These are the only grocery stores I will willingly walk into. We stocked up on more dragonfruit and I bought more questionable candy for work. IT’S KIND OF WHAT I’M KNOWN FOR. Well, maybe just in certain circles.
    • Henry bought more Samanco for himself. He think he’s so fucking cool.
  • Todd was so disappointed on Monday when I told him that not only did Henry not watch the Superbowl, but he WENT AND DID LAUNDRY during it and then came home and watched Korean variety shows with me and Chooch. “And he seemed content!” I said. “Henry’s killing me,” Todd said with faux-sadness.
    • Honestly, I really dislike football. I was really shocked that I even knew that the Patriots were in it! However, I for real have never even heard of the Falcons. I wasn’t convinced that it was a real team.

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I think my new sign-off is just going to be a different BIGBANG video every time. Get into it or get over it. YOUR CHOICE.

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Feb 062017
 

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Well guys, one of these days Chooch is going to smother me in my sleep and can you blame him? His little neighbor friend walked over when we were taking these pictures in the backyard, stopped abruptly, and then slowly backed away.

Chooch was like, “Great. Awesome. Thanks.” Meanwhile, he had told the kid that he couldn’t play right now because he was “doing chores.”

“Yeah, I’m uh…’doing the dishes’. I’ll be over in a half hour,” he said when the kid called him on Henry’s phone*. THIS IS MY LEAST FAVORITE NEIGHBORHOOD CHILD TOO. Of course he’d come snooping.

*(All the kids call Chooch on Henry’s phone. Chooch knows better than to give out my number. #kidallergy)

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One of the things I wanted to do this year was actually use my half-broken camera more often instead of relying on my iPhone all the livelong day. Little did Chooch know that he was going to get roped into helping me uphold this fake resolution.

LOL who are we kidding, he totally knew.

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This only took about 20 minutes though, and then he was back to being a normal 10-year-old kid again, running amok with that jerky neighbor kid.

“Just think,” I said. “Someday, we’ll have an entire portfolio of fashion shots for you to show your future girlfriends.”

“Future girlfriends? I’m not showing them this shit!”

Lol duh. That’s my job, dummy.

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I made Chooch a hair appointment for this week, and I’m sure he’s really glad about that now after being tortured with hairspray and clips. I honestly can’t believe he lets me do this shit. Which makes me believe that he secretly finds this SO MUCH AWESOME FUN.

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Right? Look how much fun he’s having!!

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“FML.”

Oh well, I got paid back later when Henry went to do laundry, leaving me with the daunting task of making dinner for Chooch, and as if microwaving his French bread pizza wasn’t hard enough, he wanted it cut into quarters as well?! I BURNT MY HAND trying to cut that shit.

And then he could only eat three of the quarters because the one was rock solid from over-microwaving. So there.

 

 

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Feb 042017
 


Before I start off, I’d like to give a shout-out to the person who gave me this book, Octavia.

I just finished “Through The Woods” by Emily Carroll. The book was really well  illustrated but one thing that I hated was how creepy she illustrated the teeth and how close she drew them, look closer. It’s hard to explain just look at it yourself.

The teeth were very crooked and deviously shaped and were very wide gapped.

The storyline was awesome, and there were five different stories that took place near the dark abyss also known as the woods, In most of the stories either the main character’s friend or sister/brother dies and it gets very creepy. Also Janna is in this story and I wont spoil the role she plays because you have to read it yourself to find out. And honestly I recommend this to people who can handle horror I’m looking at you Janna and Mommy (Though I could just tell mommy because she’s beside me right now watching Big Bang videos, though I shouldn’t disturb her)

Next time maybe I’ll write about a book you recommend me to read… No history books plz!

Bonus here’s a book I’m reading that my mom and I made together. Most of you should have already heard of it because it was our gift to daddy for Fathers’ Day. But yeah just going through Memory Lane and looking at what we did in 2013!! Omg!

Signing off for now! Leave a suggestion in the comments for a next review. :P

The pros and cons of being a cat:

Pros- I’m a cat…

Cons- None to be heard of

-William Shakespeare

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Feb 032017
 

Things have been fantastic in Little Korea (that’s what Glenn calls my house)! I mean, everything else ranges from so-so to poo-poo, but I love being home these days, learning Kpop dances, trying to read Hansul, inhaling the stench of gochugaru permeating from the kitchen.

Honestly, open our refrigerator and see all the traditional Korean kitchen staples!

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Which is why I think Henry doesn’t mind my new lifestyle as much as you would think. Henry is just really great at adapting to whatever phase/crisis I’m going through (Chooch is just really good at ignoring it altogether.) And if there are three things Henry FUCKING LOVES to do, it’s: cooking, grocery shopping, and watching instructional cooking videos on YouTube. So learning the ins and outs of Korean cuisine is a challenge he’s happily accepted.  (I don’t think he likes it when I call him oppa, though.)

And I love reaping the rewards! Henry makes some bomb jjigae! And I get to use chopsticks everyday!

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Henry’s Hallyu Hell….or HEAVEN?!

We hit up the Asian markets every weekend and sometimes Henry even goes without me during the week, WTF?! When I found that out, I felt cheated.

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Chooch is only interested in the Asian candy and ice cream, and is known to yell things like, “I wish Korea never happened to you!” to me. Chooch hates when I like something before he does.  However, I heard him in his room last week singing Black Pink so what’s up now, Chooch. I hear you.

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Henry made me bibimbap for dinner last Sunday and I cried because it was so great and brought back memories of when I used to order that all the time at Ginza, back in the beginning of our relationship when we used to eat all sorts of international fare because we didn’t yet have the pickiest child in the world.

Exotic fruit salads back in action.

Henry treats himself to Samancos after eating his Korean dinner. He bought these FOR HIMSELF and when I ask him to share, he yells, “You have a box of B•B•Big in the freezer!” Well yeah, but I want something that’s not mine.

And now Henry’s mom is suddenly very interested in my new k-diet. When she was at our house last week, she sat enrapt on the couch hanging off my every word. Then I made her watch some KpopX routines and I pointed out my bias during a BIGBANG live video. She considered what she was watching and then said, “Yeah. I like this better than our music here. I don’t know what they’re saying, but I can tell they’re at least saying something. Unlike AMERICAN music.”

And there you have it. Judy’s kpop review. Maybe next time she’s here, I’ll live blog her reactions to Red Velvet and EXID videos.

***

Aside from food, we’ve been watching tons of Korean variety shows, especially the ones that have had BIGBANG on, because welcome to obsession. And you would think Henry would reject this, retreat to the bathroom and watch Blacklist on his phone in peace, work some more on the curious ditch he’s digging in the backyard….but no, he sits down and ACTUALLY LAUGHS! Sometimes he gets irritated if the subtitles aren’t good, which only means he’s afraid of missing out on something good.

Lately, we’ve been watching a lot of Running Man, Weekly Idol, Infinity Challenge, and the BIGBANG making-of reality show and every single time, I say, “He really is fabulous” when they refer to G-Dragon as the fabulous leader in the opening credits. And Henry just nods like it isn’t the 10th time he’s heard it this week. Anyway, last night’s viewing inspired this convo:

Henry: I read that Se7en is the reason things changed for celebrities in the Korean military.

Me: OMG you’re reading about Kpop on your own time?!

Henry: …what? No…on someone else’s time.

And then he mumbled something about wanting to know more than me.

Later, we were getting ready for bed and I noticed Penelope (see also: Peen Lop, Jon Benet, Penis) perched on my dresser.

Me: if Penelope was a member of BIGBANG, who do you think she’d be?

Henry, muffled by sleep: I dunno.

I thought for sure he wouldn’t answer, but then…

Henry: Taeyang.

Me: Good assessment! What about Drew?

Henry, no hesitation: Seungri.

Me: OMG I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT TOO

And then Henry mocked my laughter and fell asleep.

***

I guess this was my subconscious New Years Resolution. Like how some people quit smoking, I wanted to quit being the person I was in 2016 when all the shit happened. And I  just happened to be getting back into Kpop aerobics toward the end of the year and it all just kind of fell into place. All these Korean vlogs started playing on YouTube after I’d finish up a KpopX workout and before I knew it, I was learning about sasaeng and tteokbokki, and watching Canadians give a tour of their Korean apartments, and realizing that holy shit BIGBANG is so much more than just music for fun KpopX routines.

And then the next thing I knew, I had imprinted with Korea. A whole country this time. That’s how empty my heart is, it needs a whole entire country to fill it.

When Boots comes home and starts stomping around and slamming doors and fighting with his new roommate (some younger guy and they fight about the same shit he fought with Phyllis about: $$$$ and friends, or lack thereof in both cases), I giddily blast kpop so fucking loud and pretend like I’m South Korea and that motherfucker in North Korea.

And now this is honestly one of the few joys I have in life, and I am fucking bear-hugging it so step off.

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I will conclude with this week’s Friday Video pick, because I felt everyone in my little group here at work needed some cheering up:

But even better, here is a video of MY BIAS G-DRAGON dancing to Cheer Up, which Amber2 and Lauren both said cheered them up even more than the actual song because G-DRAGON.

But then Amber mused, “Wow. I like his nude turtleneck. What look is he going for…like, Michael Jackson and….old office lady?”

And it was at this point that I had to remind everyone that he’s a fashion icon so BACK OFF.

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