Nov 172017
 

Hello. It’s Friday and I am better but still not 100% which is entirely all my fault because I have admittedly still been exercising every single day since I’ve been sick. I KNOW, I’M A DUMMY, Henry tells me this constantly. But I have a sickness (I mean, in addition to my current respiratory sickness). I got to work from home today at least because it’s Light Up Night in Pittsburgh which means downtown is an absolute clusterfuck of people who never come into the city and act like it’s their first time walking down a sidewalk and one time there was a shooting, so….Speaking of, here are some bullet points!

  • My little baby! My honey bunny! My lamby wamby! (Ok I’ll stop but props if you know that movie. No one did on Instagram.) But you guys, look at my pretty son. I wish I was even a third as photogenic as him. I’m also amazed that his hair stayed up until the picture was taken because bro is notorious for smashing it down as soon as he’s out of my eyesight.
    • Funny story about these pictures is that they went missing immediately after Chooch brought them home and I was like, “Did you look under the couch?” and Henry said “YES OF COURSE I DID THAT WAS THE FIRST PLACE I LOOKED YOU DUMBASS” and then accused me of “probably” “accidentally” throwing them away with the circulars because he’s forever-bitter that I throw that shit away before he can look at it but hello, I hate that he just leaves them scattered all over the dining room table for like months on end, like hello, those sales are OVER now, boyfriend. So Henry put gloves on and tore through all the garbage bags because I’m sick, remember (no seriously even if I was well, I wouldn’t do that). No pictures in the trash. So then a few days later, I was like, “LOOK UNDER THE COUCH AGAIN, I DON’T BELIEVE YOU” and so he lifted the couch while I was laying on the floor and sure enough there they were. SERVES YOU RIGHT, HENRY.
      • I mean, I guess he had a valid point about the garbage though because I’ve accidentally thrown out two wallets.
    • Also re: my pretty son, he talks about college pretty much every time we take our nightly walk (my favorite pasttime right now, btw) and tonight he casually mused, “What job should I have while I’m in college? Uber driver, probably.”
      • Speaking of our nightly walks, on our walk two nights ago, a Corgi puppy bit him and he was crying, not because it hurt but because it was “a dream come true.” (Full disclosure, the owner warned him that puppy was teething and nippy, but he didn’t care, and it wasn’t like A Scene or anything.)
    • In other Chooch is crying news, he got kicked out of the library the other day and this is the second time a librarian made him cry and I shouldn’t laugh because it’s not funny…..but, is it tho?

  • I have been subsisting on Korean soups and porridge all week, thank god for Henry. He made a wonderful 호박 죽 (pumpkin porridge) over the weekend and I wanted to just bathe in it.
  • BTS has been in the US all week, doing various late night show appearances leading up to their performance at the AMAs on Sunday, and I have been so excited! They did a mini-concert on Jimmy Kimmel (it’s supposed to air on the 29th) but this video was on Youtube and I was dying because I could totally see this happening to Henry and I would BE SPITTING MAD.

  • Chooch and I were watching some girl’s vlog where she was in the Hongdae district of Seoul, and she said, “People come here with no fashion, and leave with style” and we started choking to death on our laughter, imagining Henry leaving with any sort of style. “Maybe at most he’d leave with an expensive plain gray t-shirt,” I said, and then we started hiccuping through the laughs.

  • Um…help yourself.

  • Penelope loves Taemin so much that she lays near the TV to be close to him. 
  • My flowers have finally died at work and are so much more style now. When I took this picture, I couldn’t stop laughing because it looks like that fake finger is a big dick, so I posted it on Instagram and my work-friend Colleen said her little boy was scrolling through her feed and was all MOMMY WHAT IS THAT and as such, an interesting conversation was had.
    • Speaking of flowers, I forgot about the whole season change thing and now 80% of my plants are dead. My kid is still alive though, in spite of his staunch refusal to wear a fucking coat.
  • Jonny Craig’s pathetic bullshit band got dropped from their record label today because the industry IS FINALLY STARTING TO HEAR WHAT HIS EX-GIRLFRIENDS ARE SAYING ABOUT HIS GROSS DOMESTIC ABUSE AND LITERAL RAPE AT KNIFE POINT. Fuck this piece of garbage, fuck him so much, and fuck all of his blind minion fans who are constantly defending him and victim-blaming and saying that his exes just want their fifteen minutes of fame, and if that were the case, maybe they’d be out dating an actual fucking celebrity then and not some lowlife hasbeen. Perhaps I will write something more about this later but I am just too angry right now. More needs to happen. He needs actual legal consequences.
    • Also? Quit saying shit like, “That was years ago, get over it” because let me tell you motherfuckers something (not you guys, those other motherfuckers out there who hate women), I was in an abuse relationship when I was in high school, 20 years ago, and that SHIT STICKS WITH YOU. I still have occasional dreams of him coming after me, telling me he’s going to poke out my eyeballs and jam them up my vagina (an actual threat he gave me as we fought in the middle of the street I lived on and I was crying so hard and begging him not be mad at me BECAUSE HE HAD ME PSYCHOLOGICALLY TRAINED TO THINK EVERYTHING WAS MY FAULT OMG I CANNOT WRITE ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW I JUST CAN’T. I AM SO FUCKING MAD.
  • Phew! That took a turn, didn’t it? Here’s something light: I had animal crackers and hot chocolate for lunch two days in a row this week because I’m living my best life (of a 4-year-old).

Well, on that note. I’m going to go and….probably exercise even though I still can’t stop coughing because THIS IS WHO I AM.

Oh, P.S. FUCK YOU, TRUMP.

Nov 152017
 

Oh hey hi hello. Here I am, coughing a bit less but still talking like Kathleen Turner. Let’s look at some things I’ve been super into lately:

1. Like a sheet mask for your neck & chest:

2. Nose veils. Looks great paired with a turtleneck and leggings.

3. Swiss candies.

4. Taemin’s sweet, sweet dance moves in this live Press Your Number video:

5. ANIMALS NOT DYING ON TV SHOWS:

6. COLE SPROUSE AS JUGHEAD:

So, what are you into lately? Hopefully not a basketful of respiratory infection like meeeeeeeeee.

Nov 142017
 

Oh hey guys, what’s up. I’m just over here slowly perishing from whatever gnarly chest cold bullshit I have. I thought I was getting better over weekend BUT NO now it’s manifested itself inside me as the cough of a 70-year-old chainsmoking secretary from the 1950s.

Yesterday was the most miserable day yet. I woke up from a night of next to no rest and tried using mind-control to convince my body that I was OK, ready for the day, we got this. But everything was working against me, from the moment I walked out of the door. As soon as the front door clicked shut, I realized I left my wallet on the couch, my wallet that has all of my credit cards, my Connect Card for the trolley, my work ID—that one I could have managed without, but without my ConnectCard or the ability to get cash, I had no way to get to work.

You’re probably like, “OK so just use your housekey and get your wallet, how is this even newsworthy, yawn” but what you should know is that I NEVER HAVE A HOUSEKEY and I will tell you why: I let my dummy son borrow mine after he lost his copy and then HE LOST MY KEY WHICH WAS THE MASTER KEY TO THE HOUSE AND THE ONLY ONE THAT WORKED RIGHT!!! Henry finally one day was like, “Enough is enough” and made me a copy using his key, which is the worst-cut key ever and I have never been able to use it in all the years he’s had it. So you know the copy he made me was even worse!

I have hurled that key across the room countless times, the last time was last year when I couldn’t open the door with it and had to get Chooch’s nemesis Larry to help me and even Larry was like THIS IS NOT A KEY, THIS IS THE DEVIL’S PUZZLE! As “luck” would have it, that fucking key had somehow made its way back into my jacket pocket, the same jacket I was wearing that miserable Monday morning, so I sighed, clenched it tight in my hand, and mumbled some quick JUST STAY CALM mantra before plunging that motherfucker into the lock.

OF COURSE IT DIDN’T WORK so I called Henry and was like, “You listen to me, motherfucker. I am about to have a heart attack on this porch. Everything is going wrong AND THIS KEY IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!!” He was saying something about staying calm, he’d to come get me, don’t let the neighbors see my true colors, blah blah blah but I had already hung up because I was determined to conquer this bitch-ass housekey. Between my Hulkian twisting, simultaneous kicks to the door, and guttural screams to the Hell below, I eventually managed to wrench the door open, grab my FUCKING PUSHEEN WALLET, and punish the sidewalk with my maniacal stomps. When I arrived at the trolley stop 10 minutes later, the trolley was just pulling up and it was more crowded that I have even seen it. The able-bodied MAN in front of me grabbed the only open seat and I know this is the age of GENDER EQUALITY but I so badly wanted to play the chauvinism card in that moment because I sick, for god’s sake, couldn’t he SEE THAT?

So I had to stand, which on a normal day I would not have minded, but literally as soon as that trolley door slid shut, it was like a vault being sealed and I became acutely aware of the tickle in my throat.

Oh god, I needed to cough, and I needed to cough BAD.

First, I tried mind over matter. I tried to picture myself healthy and I don’t know, walking in a garden or something, BUT OH GOD THOSE FLOWERS! THAT POLLEN! COUGH COUGH COUGH!!!

So then I thought, well, let’s picture myself already off the trolley, coughing freely.

Yeah, that didn’t work.

I let myself cough into my arm once, hoping that would quell it. But it just made it worse, because now there were 87 more coughs queued up, getting all unruly in my throat, trying to line-jump.

I needed a new cough drop, but since I was holding on to the bar with one hand, I had only one hand left to rummage through my huge bag and I wouldn’t find it, I couldn’t find the cough drops, why god why. OH GOD I NEEDED TO COUGH AGAIN. NOW MY NOSE WAS STARTING TO RUN. EVERYONE IS STARING AT ME AREN’T THEY?!

I kept swallowing back the urge to cough until my body was racked with shudders and twitches, I was lurching and my face was getting red, but DON’T YOU DO IT ERIN, DON’T YOU COUGH, NO ONE WANTS TO BE ON THE TROLLEY WITH A COUGHER.

Tears were rolling down my cheeks now. I wanted to murder the guy who took that last seat. He is forever on my list.

I finally screamed UNCLE and got off the trolley three stops early, at Station Square, and walked the remaining mile to work, where I was able to cough freely into the wind.

When I arrived, I looked at Glenn and in what sounded like a failed Kathleen Turner impression, I growled, “DON’T TALK TO ME TODAY.”

I left work at 2 because I was annoying everyone with my hacking and Glenn was like, “Amber, can Erin go home now, or….?” I would have left earlier than that, but I had to wait for Henry to be done with work because I refused to try my hand at that FUCKING HOUSEKEY AGAIN.

“You’re so pathetic,” Glenn sighed, after I alerted everyone that I would be there for another hour. YOU KNOW WHAT GLENN?! You’re right. I’m pathetic. Ugh, I hate being sick.

Came home and coughed my dumb fucking head off all goddamn night. I bet the neighbors love me.

Luckily, I already had today scheduled off work because I had to attend a parent-teacher conference at the gifted center, and then I had a dentist appointment (that’s a whole other odyssey that I don’t even want to talk about right now). I managed to get through the conference without coughing until the very end, but I had to cancel my dentist appointment because I am a hot fucking mess. My eyes are all bloodshot from coughing and I look like I’m strung out, not to mention the whole “can’t go 5 minutes without coughing” thing.

So today has been pretty terrible as far as days off go. I have just been laying on the couch watching Riverdale which is pretty great until it starts getting into parent stuff, and then it just gets confusing. I want less shady dealings and extortion, more Jughead. You feel me.

Also, is Archie like the most boring character or what? All of his friends are involved in all of these complicated plots and then Archie walks onto the scene and it’s like, “Guys, shhh! Archie is here to talk about the lame song he just wrote and that’s more important than the rest of us solving crimes and being multi-dimensional characters!”

Also #2, Luke Perry and Skeet Ulrich are in this? 1990s Delia’s-wearing Erin is fucking sprung.

I called Henry crying because it’s lunch time and I don’t know what to do about that so he suggested that I go to Parker’s and I was like NOT WITH THIS COUGH BITCH PLZ and then he said, “Maybe your Mexican taco cart boyfriend can make you a veggie taco” and I shrieked, “NO I CAN’T LET HIM SEE ME LIKE THIS!” to which Henry laughed and said, “OK bye.” Unless that’s code for “be right there to cook for you” he can just GTFO.

I don’t do “sick” very well.

This has been a “Sick on the couch” free-form blog post. Guess I’ll go eat a piece of bread.

Nov 122017
 

Last Saturday we (mum and I) went to a haunted house, which is actually an Asylum, called Deviant. The whole way there, it was a two hour drive, I played Stranger Things: The Game (Not Spons) on my tablet and I ended up getting pretty far. We got there and there was still half an hour for it to even open. We waited in line and I had to go to the bathroom, so I got out of line and went to the nearest port-o-potty and I checked inside. What I found shocked me because I cracked open the door a little bit and saw plastic covering the entrance. I rolled my eyes and ducked under the line and waited. Some other guy wanted to see why I hadn’t went in and why I walked back disappointedly, so he went and opened it. He opened it all the way and an air-horn went off and he flinched and flew backwards. Everyone laughed and I just stood there and shook my head while mumbling, “At least that wasn’t me!”

We finally entered with a group of four when the guy called for a group of two and we (again mum and I) went up. Daddy got out of line and everyone laughed at him because they thought he was scared, which he was. Instantly we went in and there wasn’t a ray of light; it was pitch-black.

It was petty at the beginning. Nothing really happened. Boy, did that change quickly! We got into this one room and it was THE LONGEST passage of blue lights and we were surprised that no one scared us. They are smart because it made us more scared expecting something to happen. Then, there was a guy with a knife who followed mum for a VERY long time and I didn’t understand why she was trying to get in front of me. After a few rooms there was one that was probably even more sinister than the blue light room; a long hallway with DOORS! The doors were slamming open and shut and there was only ONE jump-scare in the whole hall.

My favorite part in the whole attraction was the dubstep room where it was just flashing, colorful lights and dubstep music in the background. In the part there was a GIANT TEDDY-BEAR!!! I sang, danced, and said, “Hi,” to the bear. Then I quickly realized that there were clowns. I don’t mind clowns, but they ruined the aesthetic of the room. But then the room ended and I was very sad. Now we went through dark, displeasing rooms with spooky people.

The final room contained safety fences that formed a path. I instantly thought, “Oh no. Zombies,” but there were only two people: one was screaming someone’s name, the other just spooking people. It was a very dark and scary room and I thought we would die. I saw light! A very rare ray of light! I walked towards it and I saw nature–the exit! I breathed in the fresh air and my eyes widened–chainsaw! I ran ahead of mum and pushed her back, but when I went to push her I hit her really hard. I didn’t realize it until I escaped, but I felt bad, which mum wouldn’t believe.

The way back was very eventful because … I beat Stranger Things: The Game! Also please note that I just recently started to understand semicolons so I will be using them very often from now on.

Nov 112017
 

There’s nothing I love better than taking some cold meds and blogging! Let’s get bullet-y.

  • One day two weeks ago, back when I wasn’t sick, I had brunch at Shiloh Grill with Wendy, Summer, And Amber1! It was really nice to see Amber, but also a huge reminder of how different our little work group is without her. I’d also like to note that I was scared of the fruit salad because I thought it had bacon on top, but it turned out it was small slices of candied apples – it was amazing and totally worth the price of the buffet. (OK, maybe the frozen mimosa helped too.)
  • Henry picked me up from work the other day wearing this garish red Faygo hat, but at a glance it looked like a MAGA hat and I was so embarrassed! When we got home, I wouldn’t even cross the street with him. He thought it was great and will probably wear it all the time now that he knows it has built in Erin-deterrent.

  • Taking baby steps with Chooch in an effort to get him to like some, ANY Korean food. He almost likes bibimbap but he won’t mix the gochujang in it which is the best part, but whatever. I’m going to start putting little squirts of it on his tongue while he sleeps until he wakes up one day craving it. That’s normal parenting, right? I wouldn’t know, since I’m apparently a bad parent, according to some sources, lol.
  • Henry and I were fighting on Halloween so I deleted him as a contact since I have no social media left to block him on anymore, and even though we were only fighting for a day (and when I say we, I trust you know how to translate that), I was being stubborn and wouldn’t put him back in my phone. So even five days later, when I would want to send him a picture of something (specifically, a picture of our favorite* CVS employee in the wild), I would have to physically type in his number. So I did that, and then I kept on texting him about the things I was seeing on my walk around Brookline, like the old man who dances on the sidewalk with his portable speaker (on that day, he almost knocked me over in his zeal for Usher’s “Yeah” while wearing a Kenny Chesney shirt). Henry never responded and I was like whatever, he’s probably napping. But then later that night, we were all out together, and I was texting Henry from under the table at some diner, and he wasn’t responding so I was like WHY AREN’T YOU RESPONDING TO MY TEXTS and he was like “You haven’t texted me since yesterday, so….” I looked at my phone and realized that everything from that day had gone to a number that was one digit off from his. He thought this was fantastic and prayed that I would eventually get a response, but I looked up the number and it was a LANDLINE SO THERE.
    • By “favorite” I mean that we’re obsessed with his hit-or-miss attitude. He’s been there for years and one night, we were walking around talking about him and some of the other CVS people we haven’t seen in a while and that’s when you know you have lived in the same place for too long.

  • New shoes! I kept walking past Payless and seeing these cute pink Champions in the window. They were on sale and I would tell myself, “Just go in and buy them” but I am such a lazy shopper and will constantly put things off. Finally, I went in one day and couldn’t find them! I was so mad that I texted, “They don’t have them anymore, good job Henry!!!” because #blamehenry. He even looked on the website at home and said they didn’t even have them online anymore! I started looking in all sizes, just to see for sure, and right next to the smallest womens’ size, I saw them. A girl’s size 6. Wait – is this a womens size six? I asked myself. It looked large though so I tried it on and it was too big! I’m a 7.5 so that couldn’t have been a womens 6. Were these children’s shoes this whole time? I walked to the kids section and pulled down a box of 5s – they fit perfectly so I gave no fucks and bought them. That’s how I found out that I wear a size 5 in little girl shoes. I wore them to work and numerous people were like I LIKE YOUR NEW SHOES and I was like THANKS THEY’RE FOR KIDS! Now that I know I can fit into them, I’m going back to get something glittered.

  • Now that Barb and Gayle are gone from the department, this is what pie looks like after I cut it. :( Glenn said it looked like a crime scene. I had to use my hand at one point to get it all on the plate. I hate myself.
  • My mom texted me last night and asked, “Remember when you would put cinnamon in everything I was cooking?” and no I don’t but that really sounds like something I would do.

  • I had a bouquet of fake black roses on the mantel for years and suddenly Drew discovered them one day and was constantly jumping up there to gnaw on them. I finally just took them down because CATS RUIN EVERYTHING. They’re so fucking cute though. Ugh. The perils of cat-having.

  • Some donut place opened up in Washington, PA called Glazed & Confused. I saw one picture on Instagram and became obsessed with going, so we stopped there last Saturday on our way to the last haunted house of the season (Chooch should be posting his review this weekend once I come up with a price for him, ugh). Honestly, it wasn’t that great. Henry and I split one with just vanilla ice cream and fruity pebz, because if fruity pebz is a topping option I will take it every time. Honestly, the girl who waited on us was annoying and there just really wasn’t anything that original about this place. Turns out it’s probably a chain, too. I mean, it was good but I wouldn’t go running back anytime soon. (If I had to choose between this place and that bigot-run Peace, Love & LIttle Donuts, give me a one-way ticket to Washington.)

  • On the way home from the above-mentioned haunted house, which was in Weston, WV, we stopped at DJ’s Diner, also in West Virginia, and it was, well, it just was. For starters, Chooch and I both ordered a Gardenburger and the waitress was legit shook. “Y’all are the first ones to order that,” she said, bewildered. Meanwhile, some broad was slowly trying to eat her meal while holding a newborn a baby while her “hubby” (ugh hate that word but it seems very WV-ish) gave no fucks about her struggle. And then this family of WVU fans rolled in – two sisters (one was in elementary school, the other was probably 8th or 9th grade which I deduced by the Young Bitch air she had to her), the obese mom, and the 5-packs a day granny. The youngest girl was eating a candy bar she got from granny’s purse, and then granny went up to put some cash in the juke box, filling the diner with predictable country trash. Chooch, whose back was toward them, started bitching about this immediately. “OMG this music sucks! I bet these people voted for Trump!” and I was slowly sliding down in my seat because the older girl had me fixed in her glare, and then Chooch was like, “I NEED TO ASSESS TO THIS MUSIC SITCH” and strode up to the juke box like a man on a mission, with his Warped Tour shirt and City Boi vibes. Oh, those fish out of water feels, always makes the meal taste so much better.
    • The fries were crinkle-cut and at first I was dismayed because I hate crinkle cut, but they ended up being really good and somewhere in there is a heart-warming analogy for race relations or something.

  • My friend Katrina had a baby a few weeks ago and I was so excited for her that I had to paint something for her little sweet Ophelia. Ugh, I love that name!
  • I was so excited when I heard that BTS will be performing “DNA” at the American Music Awards until I stopped to consider that this RACIST AMERICA so I made the mistake of peeking at the comments, just on Twitter, which were full of Asian stereotypes and things like, “So now this is the Korean Awards?” nevermind the fact that the AMAs consistently has Canadian and British artists on it and I’m sure everyone would cheer if that Despacito dude strode out on stage, but OMG ASIANS GO HOME. It makes me sick and I feel so protective of these kpop artists.

  • Henry and Chooch came downtown last Friday during lunchtime so that we could finally apply for Chooch’s passport. He sat in the waiting area, reading Modern Farmer, as you do, and then afterward, when the clerk asked if we had any questions, Chooch raised his hand and asked, “So…are they always blue?” We were all like wtf are you talking about and it turns out he wanted to choose a custom color for his passport but it felt like Pee Wee asking to see the basement of the Alamo and I’m acutely aware of how many times I use that scene to describe moments in my life. But yeah. That was his main concern, which is so Chooch.
  • A lot of my friends have asked me, “Aren’t you guys afraid to travel to South Korea?!” and the answer is “I live in America, home of record-shattering mass shootings, so no” but depending on the day, the other answer is “sometimes.” NOT thinking that way at least for a second is just sheer ignorance. It’s a valid question, and a valid concern. We’re very aware of what’s going on, but instead of just relying on the hyper-sensationalized American media, I read a lot of the S.Korean news sources as well. It was kind of funny, not so much in a “ha ha” way, but I was at a lunch a few weeks ago and there was this lively conversation about all of the exotic locales some of our co-workers have been vacationing to recently, and as soon it was brought up that I’m going to South Korea, it got AWKWARD. Someone monotoned, “Oh. Wow” and another person dryly said, “If it’s still there” and then the conversation was officially killed and all you could hear was forks scraping across plates. It was awesome.
    • But really – what IS safe anymore??
    • Also, I do appreciate that my friends care, though. I know that they just don’t want me to be in any kind of peril and with our current “president,” you just don’t know. Saying that I’m not nervous sometimes would be a big lie.
  • I still feel shitty. I think I will just stay home and watch horror movies all weekend, FIGHT ME. (You’ll win though; I’m so weak and pathetic right now.0
  • Henry and I watched the recent Super Junior episode of Weekly Idol last night and were laughing so hard. What was my life before Korea?!
  • I want to have a casual Xmas party again this year but there are so many projects “we” have to finish around here and I’m panicking because nothing is happening. I need two or three more Henrys.

OK that’s all. I’m going to lay back down, how do I feel worse than I did yesterday this sucks!!!!

Nov 102017
 

I worked late shift today from home which was an unplanned blessing because I had a really restless night and woke up feeling worse than the day before. It was nice not having to drag myself into work in the morning.

Chooch didn’t have school today, which was the sole reason why I volunteered for the dreaded Friday late shift. Before I was sick, we planned on having breakfast at Parker’s and I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to make it. Once the DayQuil set in, I was about 50% alert so we walked out asses through the unseasonably blustery winds to Brookline Blvd and had a nice, chill breakfast. I sincerely love Parker’s – the vibe is something Brookline has been missing but didn’t know it.

Anyway. Chooch has to do this intense genre report in his Communications class and I suggested that he choose The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin because it was my favorite book as kid and it’s all about me,* so.

*(Seriously – Chooch had to write an All About Me essay and when it was time to write about his family, I made sure I got the largest paragraph. He read it out loud to me and when he got to the last sentence**, he punctuated it with a hefty eye roll.)

**(“She is very talented.” LOL.)

So Chooch brought his book with him to read and I was so excited about this. I actually did a book report on it as well but it was in 4th grade. Not saying I was more advanced than Chooch, but…

J/k there’s no competition here!

(My work friends are like yeah right tell them about the cookie dough, Erin. Um, maybe the next post.)

The Westing Game made a big impression on me. It’s one of the few plots I actually remember (my memory rules in a lot of way but books are not one) and I was so happy when he seemed open to my suggestion! He has only just begun to read it and is already intrigued. I keep telling him to stop googling (he wanted to know if there was a movie) because I would cry if it’s spoiled for him.

The main takeaway I had from this book is to swish with hot tea and bourbon to alleviate toothaches. I can’t tell you how many times I have utilized that remedy over the years. Ugh, it’s such good pain!

If anyone still reads this and feels like weighing in, what was your favorite book as a kid?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do some shots….of NyQuil. Woo, Friday night.

Nov 092017
 

We were in the car over the weekend when I said, “My lymph nodes feel tender.”

Henry thought this was hilarious because he’s insensitive, but I was serious! I knew that sickness was on the horizon. 

Sorry that I’m a part-time doctor, Henry.

(Apparently, it was my use of the word ‘tender’ that was such a knee-slapper.)

Halfway through yesterday, it hit me and by the time I came home I was low-key dying. If you ask Henry though he will tell you that I was SO DRAMATIC and driving everyone crazy. You guys will never believe this, but I actually RESTED all last night (except for when I woke up on the couch at 10:30 and realized I was 200 steps away from my daily goal so I shambled around the house like ninny until my Fitbit was happy.)

Today was better but not much. I made it through work but I felt like my body was crawling with frozen ants and all my joints felt like hostels for arthritis. I wore my coat for the last two hours. Even though it feels like there is a bonfire in my ears, I supposedly don’t have a fever. I accused Henry of tampering with the thermometer 

Anyway, all I want to do is writhe around on the couch, moaning and watching Weekly Idol. So here are two pictures of my cats. 


Someday this blog will have content again. 

(OMG IT FEELS LIKE MY SPLEEN IS SWOLLEN NOW.)

Nov 072017
 

On our nightly walk last night, Chooch’s butt was cold.

“It feels like I just had Botox,” he said, describing his cold ass. “Kind of. Maybe. Nevermind, I don’t know what Botox feels like.”

So we dipped into the laundromat in order for him to warm his butt up. (It’s not even winter yet!)

For some reason, I felt compelled to to go back to the laundromat again tonight and take pictures. And not just because I was looking for an excuse to walk past my taco cart boyfriend!

(Henry’s favorite time of the evening is when Chooch and I go on these walks, though I wonder if he ever gets nervous that we’re running amok in Brookline.)

So, here is a fake photoshoot at the laundromat with Chooch. This Tuesday night honestly had nothing else going on. (Except voting! Which I did. Get off my back.)

Henry rolled his eyes when we showed him this picture. #jealous

Right after I took this picture, some broad came in to get her clothes out of the dryer and gave us the “WTF are yinz doin'” look that we know all too well. So we dipped out of Suds after that. Thanks, yinzer lady.

I wonder how we look to outsiders.

Henry thought it was hilarious that we were at the laundromat since neither one of us ever helps him with laundry. Maybe we’ll go with him next time, check out his laundromat (we’ve never been there, since he switched without telling us, remember?!?!), and do another photoshoot.

OMG MAYBE WITH ACTUAL SUDS?!?!

Nov 062017
 

No spoilers here I promise but we finished Stranger Things last week and I am 100% on the Steve Harrington bandwagon, NO FUCKS GIVEN.

Steve, I’m sorry I wanted you to die so badly in the first season.

The biggest reason that I like him so much is that, now that he’s had a chance to grow as a character in this new season and redeem himself (although let’s never forget about how he slandered Nancy!!!), he reminds me a lot of my favorite character from one of the BEST 80’s MOVIES OF ALL TIME, The Monster Squad. If you’ve seen it, you already know that I’m talking about RUDY.

  1. Too cool-high schooler chillin’ with monster-fighting middle school dorks? Check.
  2. Bitchin’ hair? Check.
  3. Total dick most of the time? Check.
  4. Memorable one-liners? Check.

I’m kind of surprised that Stranger Things in general, especially season 2, hasn’t drawn more Monster Squad comparisons.

When I was in high school, my brother Ryan and I named our pet rabbit after Rudy. Clearly I need to get another rabbit and name him Steve Harrington.

NO: STEVE HAREINGTON, OMGOMG.

Nov 052017
 

The Crawford School of Terror was WAAY better than last year and the main reason for this was because it felt like more of the school was used and it was less dialogue and more walkthrough and jump-scare.

To begin, it was decently chilly that day and inside of the school was the line and it was desolate, and dull, it was so gray and dusty. It was about five minutes until we got in and we ended up having to go up with the people in front of us, but thankfully when we got to the top of the stairwell, the staff let them go by themselves.

Inside of the actual “haunted” part there were classrooms (Obviously) and there was a girl sitting at a desk and when we were about to walk into the next classroom, she screamed, “Don’t go in there!” When she said that I took a minute break standing in the arch way in the center of the first and second classroom and then I proceeded. It was pretty plain and mum thought that it was going to suck because there was no dialogue but that quickly changed once we got further into the attraction. There was my favorite-ish part when the fog layer (That one fog room in most haunted houses that have a layer of fog that looks like water) room came and I looked under the layer and saw someone crawling toward us under it hidden and I said, “Uh-oh,” then he jumped up and screamed.

I said, “I saw him coming from under the smoke,” and of course daddy had to say, “No you didn’t.” I just ignored him because I was triggered.

There was a hallway that we walked down and there was a shock thing and it was high up and it started making a taser noise and it was really loud. Then some girl started screaming and talking about how her “trophy?” was stolen and she thought that mum stole it then she said, “I didn’t steal it.” Then the girl said, “Well, then you better find it!” I was really excited! I really thought we were going to have to find her trophy, but no it was just part of the act. ):

Then there was a cafeteria and the lunch lady offered me worms and I said, “Umm, nah!”

Then she replied with, “THEN GET OUT OF MY CAFETERIA!”

I said, “OK, jeez!” and walked towards the door then I came to a jolt when I saw someone sitting at a table and I tried to slide past but she got up and screamed.

The next room I’m pretty sure was a pitch black hallway and some clown guy was banging on the walls and popped out and mum told me that she had almost peed her pants so I told the clown that.

Then the end came and we walked out and thought everything was over until someone popped out from behind the stairs and mum got scared again. I’m pretty sure she did pee her pants that time.

THE END. Have a good day/night!

 

 

 

Nov 042017
 

I think I have been doing a pretty decent job lately of not blowing all of the monies on concert tickets. It helps that I just haven’t been that into Western music lately. However, when I saw that PVRIS was going on a fall tour in support of their new album, I was all over that shit. They’re in that top tier of bands I just can’t pass up, you know? Naturally, there was no Pittsburgh date on this tour, so I was going to try and catch their Philly show. But then we planned the pie party for that day because I forgot about it and that ruined that idea.

(I did this same thing a few years ago with the pie party and Pierce the Veil, ugh.)

Then I saw that the Detroit date was on a Friday, and I wondered if it was possible, if I could twist Henry’s arm just so…

He was not down with this whatsoever because he knew he wouldn’t be able to take the day off work. But then I told our Michigan friends Bill & Jessi that we might be in town that weekend and this created hype, so Henry finally conceded under the provision that I would be going to the show by myself because he didn’t want to go, and Chooch was pretty meh about it too, so that meant this trip was already going to be cheaper.

I requested the day off work, and as luck would have it, it was parent teacher conference day so Chooch didn’t have school. But we still had to wait for Henry to come home which was so stressful. Chooch and I were sitting on the porch with our overnight bags when Henry pulled in the driveway. It only, theoretically, takes < 5 hours to get to Detroit, but then we got stuck in a tractor trailer accident traffic so by the time we got to the Royal Oak Theater, it was after 8 and the show had already started. I practically rolled out of the car before it even came to a complete stop, I just needed to get inside that theater post haste.

I’m the type of person who always gets to a place before or right as doors open, because I like to scope out the scene. Especially if I’ve never been to the venue before, which was the case in this situation. So the doors had already been opened for over an hour at this point, and the opening band (Flint Eastwood) was already halfway through their set. I got stuck in the security line behind some bitch who had some type of contraband that I couldn’t make out and was arguing with security because she didn’t want to take it back to her car so they were going to throw it out and I was SO ANTSY to get in that I was about to grab the item and punt it out of the theater.

When it was finally my turn, the security lady who was rummaging through my purse kept trying to make conversation with me and I couldn’t hear her over the band and the STRESS-RINGING IN MY EARS so I just kept saying “yes” to all of her questions. Finally, after determining that my emergency tampons weren’t black market weapons, she moved aside and let me pass.

I immediately hated this venue.

Maybe my opinion would have differed had I gotten there early enough to see where I was walking, but I was having such a hard time navigating my way toward the stage, because there were tiered levels, like an upside-down wedding cake. Each level was contained by a railing with steps in the middle leading down to the next, and it was impossible to get through. So for Flint Eastwood, I stood on the right side of the top level, and I couldn’t see at all because the levels were flat and not slanted. So unless you were at the front of each tier, along the railing, you had no chance of seeing because the stage was so far down. So I had to make due with watching all the drunk people dancing in front of me. That got old pretty quickly, so after Flint Eastwood (who was fine, but you know I’m picky with female-fronted bands and she was a little too much of a rougher version of Adele for my liking) I waited for the obligatory influx of people running to the bar for refills and used the freshly-emptied space to navigate my way to the steps down to the middle level, where I found a space along the edge which allowed me to boost myself up a bit along the side railing. I still had to stand on my tiptoes to see, but it was better than the first level. I listened to the conversations around me while I waited for Lights to come on. There was a young-ish couple to my right who were having a  friendly debate over slushees vs slurpees.

Lights came on sometime after 9 and I was so excited because after years of being a casual fan, this was my first time finally seeing her. I’m always so impressed that she has managed to preserve her scene queen side-part after all these years and it doesn’t look out-dated on her at all. She is such a fucking queen.

Her recent release is so damn ambitious. Not only did she write an entire record, but she also made a companion comic book series to go with it. She is an artist in every sense of the word!

I was so excited to hear Skydiving live, because that song makes me feel a certain way.

Beau Bokan is so lucky to be married to her, that’s all I’m going to say.

I want to be reincarnated as Lights.

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I appreciate that Lights still rocks the scene girl severe hair part. Makes me miss mine. Kinda.

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Lights is pretty flawless. Her voice sounded huge and crystalline in that big theater and I had chills through most of her set. I wish Chooch hadn’t ditched me that night because I think he would have fallen in love. (Unlike me, he is a huge fan of girl singers, lol. #obviduh)

There were two guys who were standing to my left for the whole set, and a group of older women in front of me, but they all left after Lights which left a huge opening for the biggest dorks in Royal Oak to usurp the free land around me and I was in aural pain. There were four of them and they all scream-talked to each other about tech-y things and I texted Henry: HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT ALL HAVE RETAINER-LISPS?!!?!?

I couldn’t take it, but I felt trapped. I knew I needed to get down to the ground floor, in front of the stage, but I couldn’t figure out how. On the other side of the railing I was leaning against, there was a walkway leading from the top of the venue down to the stage, so I yelled to the security guard down there, “What’s the best way to get down there?!” She advised me to go all the way back up to the top, where the bar is, and come down the walkway along the side. It was a journey, I’m not going to lie. People were sprawled out all over each set of stairs I had to ascend, and I felt like I was engaging in football drills.

I was not a fan of this venue AT ALL.

I mean, it was beautiful in there, don’t get me wrong. But the layout made me feel absolutely crazed.

But I made it down to the stage and managed to get almost all the way to the barricade, but off to the side (my beloved right side of the stage—I always gravitate to that side!). This was a gamechanger. I was down there with the real fans and not the drunks. I could see the stage easily now. I felt comfortable and could finally start breathing normally again.

I’m telling you, for as many shows I’ve attended alone, sometimes one catches me off guard and it’s like starting over from scratch with my anxiety and self-consciousness. Maybe it had a lot to do with being in a different city, at a new-to-me venue, in addition to all of the earlier stress of trying to make it there on time. I don’t know, but it was a perfect storm of neuroses for me and as much as I love PVRIS, I couldn’t wait for the show to be over and they hadn’t even come out yet!

Meanwhile, some girl behind me started raging to her friends. “Did you see this?!” she yelled and then tilted her phone toward them.

“Fucking Ovechkin!” one of them yelled, and I laughed to myself because I guess the Red Wings were playing the Capitals, and that’s a phrase we yell a lot in Pittsburgh too.

It was nearly 10, maybe even later than that, when the lights finally went out and PVRIS made a dramatic entrance. It had been over a year since I last saw them and I immediately filled with that warmth that you get when you’re seeing a band you really, really love, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?! Henry doesn’t.

He’s not the biggest fan of PVRIS and didn’t argue one bit when I said I would go to this show alone. (I went to their last one alone too, woe is me.) But I will tell you that Chooch had some remorse, because he thought that by not going to the show with me, he was going to get to hang out with Bill and Jessi but he didn’t realize that this wasn’t happening until after the show that night, so there! Henry and Chooch just hung out in the Royal Oak area, ate dinner, and walked around like creeps while waiting for me, I guess. I didn’t ask for their itinerary so I don’t really know.

I was immediately reminded of how much I love them as soon as they started playing, and suddenly the earlier stresses of the day became well worth it.  Their sound is the perfect merging dark synthpop and alt-rock, which appeals to both Goth Erin and Scene Kid Erin. This band is so talented and unlike anything else out there right now and if you ever get the chance to go see them, please go. And take me with you, if possible.

Lynn Gunn for life.

Listening to them always inspires me to dig through my synthpop collection. Synth is so underrated.

I left before the encore because it was already after 11 and I was itching to get to Bill and Jessi’s. What a whirlwind day.

 

Nov 012017
 


To piggyback on my last whiny bitchy blog post about Halloween, I also learned first thing yesterday morning of the passing of Korean actor Kim Joo Hyuk. I’m disturbingly upset about his death (gnarly car accident) and I keep waking Henry up, a day later, to tell him things, like, “Song Joong Ki went straight to the funeral from his own wedding!” and “I just saw a picture of Defconn crying and it broke my heart” and Henry is like, “Please stop watching videos about it and go to bed. You’d think he was your best friend, the way you’re acting.”

There is a video of the Running Man cast walking into the funeral (which is weird and such an invasion of privacy, but yeah I watched it so I’m just as bad as the rest of them) and I just started crying so hard because I loved it when Joo Hyuk was on Running Man. I am really sensitive and emotional right now, step off. 

Maybe I need ice cream. And medication. 

Nov 012017
 

Halloween is my favorite day of the year. Literally everyone knows this about me. Every January, I apply my floating holiday to October 31st so that I can spend the day doing all the spooky things I want. But this year was just, not right. Actually, the whole month of October didn’t feel like October to me. Even going to haunted houses — I had fun at each one I went to, but it wasn’t the same. Something was off. The weather was weird. People didn’t seem as stoked.

Even though I had every intention of yesterday being great, it missed the mark. By like, a lot. My biggest mistake is that instead of watching horror movies all day long as intended, I watched the news. The news is scarier than any horror movie, you could argue, but you know…way more real. (Unless you’re into the fake kind.) So I oscillated between high-anxiety, fury, crippling fear, and numbing sadness.

All day long, with a few coffee and exercise breaks.

By the time Chooch came home from school, I was over everything. I could barely even help him finish his costume, which was another stressor in and of itself. Since he’s in sixth grade now, I figured that the days of pouring all we’ve got into his costumes are all but faded memories now. I told him he had to choose something simple, and at first he was going to be Trump Looking at the Eclipse, which I was on board with until I remembered that he would be strutting around in public like that and Brookline seems to be kind of a mixed bag, politically, so did I really want my kid to be inciting any sort of strong feels?

Sucks, because that costume could have ruled! (Maybe we’ll just have to do a Trump meme-inspired photoshoot someday soon.)

Anyway, it was really getting down to the wire and I didn’t want to cop out and buy him something at the Halloween store, so I said, “YOU LIVE IN A HOUSE FULL OF MASKS AND PROPS, PICK SOMETHING AND WE’LL GO FROM THERE.”

So, he went as a hot dog.

Chooch said that all the people loved it and thought it was funny but of course I had a million issues with it because even though I’m technically “retired” from this shit now that he’s older, my Type A’ness still comes out full force.

Once you get to sixth grade, just a mask will do. Happy Halloween. #hotdog #retiredfromcostumemaking

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I didn’t go trick or treating with him though, for the first time ever. He went with his brothers and baby nephews instead and I was sad but I guess that’s life so what the fuck ever. So then my plan was pizza and Stranger Things (we’re only halfway through this new season because we’re slow TV-viewers) but that didn’t work out either so instead it was soju and hot bath. And to be honest, I don’t know why I even put so much stock into this one day when really, everyday is Halloween for people like me. I don’t even really do that much different on October 31st.

I don’t know.

I had a really bad day.

Halloween felt ruined on so many levels.

And you know it must have been bad because I came back from lunch today and there was a big “I Love You” balloon and flowers on my desk. Henry and I are not send-and-receive flower types of people, so this was weird and I didn’t know how to react so I just mumbled something self-deprecating and then found something to hold the balloon down on my desk so it would stop drawing attention to me like a buoyant beacon of “What Did Henry Do?” Like one of those search lights or sky beams that haunted houses use to attract crowds from afar. Come to Erin’s desk and find out who would possibly send her flowers!

But realizing I could turn my empty BIGBANG iced tea bottles into tiny vases was a game changer. Now I like having flowers sent me to at work. Thanks, Henry. Even though now people are asking me what happened to make you send me flowers and that’s not awkward. I’m just going to start responding with “he got the milkmaid pregnant.”

So I think tonight I’m going to go home and just listen to Kpop all night and pretend like the world isn’t on fire. Either that or I’m moving to a prairie and throwing my phone into a gorge.