God, I love this picture of her so much! She has such a teddy bear face. (Chooch says no.)

Penelope has really been out and about a lot more often lately so I feel less lonely but you know, still kind of weird because I have that guilt. Like, is Drew watching? Is she angry wherever she is, knowing that Penelope is sitting on my lap while I’m working or laying on me while I’m trying to sleep on the couch (BECAUSE IT WAS TOO HOT IN THE BEDROOM NOT BECAUSE THERE IS MARITAL DURESS OK? GOD, WAY TO START RUMORS, PEOPLE)?

What a shitty time I have been having these days, but at least I have Penelope to cuddle.

(Yesterday was an especially short-fused and dark mental day for me for some reason – do we even need a reason though – so I panic-bought a ticket to see NCT127 in March but to Henry’s chagrin. BUT! I did only buy myself a ticket so he is free to either sleep his face off in the hotel or buy a nosebleed seat the day-of. Aren’t I so nice? So, I guess we are going back to Chicago again.)

I spent a large portion of my last therapy session jawing off about how whack my childhood holidays were from middle school through high school and then even into my early adult years, and how because of that, I have been extra cautious about making sure holidays were normal for Chooch.

Then at the end of the session, she asked if I had any fun plans that weekend and I said, “Yeah, we’re decorating our Christmas tree, which is a mannequin!”

She was like, “omg.”

It just…feels so normal, though!

Janna and Corey came over to “help” by which I mean they sat with me and watched as Henry did 90% of the Trudying while I forced my favorite Belgian beer on them [GULDEN DRAAK, in case you ever need to get me a gift and don’t know (or care to know) how to navigate the world of Kpop merch].

Also, I made them download the link to my PARTY CAMERA so all of the pictures you see here are the cumulation of all three of our POVs.  I’m hoping to use this for Chingumas too but I know it will probably just be us three using it then too because I can never even get my friends to take pictures at my parties in general, let alone downloading a new camera app to use.

I don’t think these pictures are in order for some reason but who cares. All I know is that this was the nicest, funniest, most “normal” night that I have had possibly all year. No exaggeration. It almost felt like the way things used to be before everything started to fall apart this year. I can honestly say that I felt happy.

I mean look – that is the ugly face of laughter! Chooch had probably said something disparaging about Henry at this moment.

A different angle – probably laughing at the same thing!

I also made Corey and Janna watch the GD/BIGBANG performance at the MAMA Awards. I think it’s safe to say that they were not impressed but I was just happy to be watching it for the 87th time! Even Henry stopped what he was doing and loomed in the entry to the living room, watching from a distance like the plain-clothed Michael Myers that he is.

Ugh I hate this game so much but Chooch in was Game Master mode so we had to oblige him.

We all said “absolutely not” when he pulled out Trivial Pursuit.

My fancy Chouffe glass!

Chooch won, and that’s all that matters, I guess. If it can’t be me, it has to be him.

LOL Henry couldn’t use the party camera because he has an ANDROID.

I am clearly very into this glass – I didn’t even realize I took that many pictures of it.

We had Henry take non-party camera pics of us with Trudy.

What even is this lol.

Corey left around 10, Chooch bailed around 10:30 for a better party, and Janna stayed until 1AM learning 9 of the 13 members of Seventeen lol. It was a really solid night. I’m grasping at the fleeting memories of it, trying to hold on as long as possible before “real life” fully creeps back in. Sigh.

Hi! It’s 8:36am and we’re on our way to take Chooch back to Philly :( But wouldja look at his COAT??!! He went to the mall with his friends last night and actually found one he liked and I was like USE MY CREDIT CARD I DONT CARE HOW MUCH because I was so happy. Then I found out it’s an Eddie Bauer so say hello to your early Christmas present, son.

10:45am I have spent most of the ride so far arguing with Henry because he put me in charge of looking for somewhere to stop for lunch and you know how much I hate that chore. We just drove past some restaurant in a place called LICKING CREEK and they had a sign hanging that said WELCOME HUNTERS so I flipped out about that because FUCK A HUNTER. “Why do people treat them like heroes when they’re just hick barbarians running wild in the woods with guns??”

And would you believe Henry attempted to “NOT ALL” hunters to me??? Yes, yes you can believe that. Ugh I am so irate.

11:56am: Ugh Henry woke me up from a deep I-might-be-getting-sick sleep because he HAD to stop at Mr. Ed’s candy emporium and then proceeded to only buy stuff for himself. Truly is the worst

Stupid Pez room where I got blocked in by a bunch of feral kids. I really don’t like kids.

Miserable.

Me yelling at him for being miserable and then I yelled at Henry for taking bad pictures as usual.

Henry bought a bag of “9 Variety Pretzels” and first of all 1/4 are disgusting and second, I’m hard pressed to understand how they get 9 varieties when most of them are just different shapes but the same pretzel flavor?! “They should sell these at House of 1000 Beers,” I capped off my seething review.

2:18pm: just ate a place called Root – a vegan place in downtown Lancaster – and Chooch who is suddenly into football was crying because his phone died and he couldn’t watch it and then he was muttering and being a general nuisance so I flipped out and said I was no longer sad to be taking him back to college and he was like WOW and then Henry came back from the bathroom like “what did I miss” while I was in the middle of breaking up with the whole family. Then some brat kid arrived with his dad who was wearing an ironic Xmas sweater and had a hand tattoo of a clock and was probably into, I dunno, sad boy music, came in and sat next to us and the kid was sooooo screechy in his booster seat and the dad must have been on a date because Henry didn’t think she seemed like the mom and Emo Dad totally focused all his attention on her.

Hated them.

What I didn’t hate was the food and the service. We had two servers tag teaming us and they were awesome and friendly.

I got a “Reuben” with avocado, Chooch got an impossible burger, and Henry got a “shrimp” bowl which was very delicious. #beasted

Cool art too!! Featuring the top of my head – my part is really weird today.

2:33pm: “I already know what’s going to happen,” I said. “Chooch is going to move on and never talk to us just like Blake.”

“Do you want to be right?” Chooch asked dryly.

3:12pm: Just left Dutch Haven! Their shoofly pie never disappoints. Unforch, there were two carfuls of a super invasive and rude family who descended upon the shop, causing a commotion and letting their brood run amok. I really just can’t deal with that shit. The screeching. The small feet running through the store and knocking things over. The one kid whacked a row of wind chimes and her dad was like “kids do be, right?”

Also this family had “Rather be at Disney” stickers on their cars and I can’t even imagine the levels of assholeness and entitlement they reserve for Disney.

But it was still ok because we got our pies and pretzels and Chooch got two pencil sharpeners – a slot machine and the Liberty Bell lol ok. They’re made out of pewter or something, I dunno.

oh also I uninvited Chooch to Chingumas when we were at lunch, he had me spiraling out in anger. “And I’m not texting you anymore either!!!”

“Oh no,” he sang with emergency jazz hands.

5:05pm: Chooch is back in his dorm:(

Actually no, strike the frown! I’m still mad at him lol. I tried to make him apologize but he wouldn’t.

I helped him carry stuff into his dorm and wanted desperately to write SEVENTEEN RULZ on someone’s white board but he wouldn’t let me.

Now it’s just me, Henry, and Henry’s nose whistle in the car. :( For the next 5.5 hours.

7:46pm: Henry and I are back on speaking terms after he finally apologized for not being able to read my mind three rest stops ago. This ride is so boring. Especially when we’re not talking lol.

9:32pm: I couldn’t wait until I got home – I had to watch Seventeen’s Disney performance on YouTube and it was so pure, as were the comments on ABC’s Instagram post, which is always scary when an American TV channel is promoting Kpop because that tends to bring the racists out in droves. But it was all good and supportive <3

Well I guess on that note, I’ll just publish this. We have 40 minutes left and most of that will probably just be us talking about Seventeen because, #CaratCouple

You guys, I think I was so excited about having Chooch home from college that I focused too hard on having the “perfect” Thanksgiving and then I ended up being sick-adjacent most of the day (I felt mildly feverish and like I was on the verge of a stomach thing but it never developed into anything). Really, it was supposed to be a laid back Thanksgiving – we got a vegan meal kit from Viridis so that Henry wouldn’t be in the kitchen all day, but then he was STILL in the kitchen all day because he picked that day to make kimchi for Chingumas.

I barely had it in me to even set the table let alone take pictures of it.

The food was underwhelming. I mean, it wasn’t BAD by any means but I guess it was just kind of boring (that mac n cheese was fire though) and the annoying part is that for as expensive as it was, there was no dessert!? Bro, you couldn’t have added a slice of vegan sweet potato pie up in that piece?

We knew this at least so we prepared by buying a boxed mix of bibingka which is a Filipino coconut cake that I made the year we had an international Thanksgiving. About 25 minutes before it was time for dinner, Henry dropped the bibingka cake-down onto the floor as he was pulling it out of the oven, and he burnt his hand on it but instead of me asking if he was OK, I was just like, “Cool now we have no dessert.”

Don’t worry – the box had two packages of mix inside so Henry made the second one. It came out dry and with burnt edges and he was like DON’T START when I opened my mouth to criticize him.

Also, looking at that picture I realized that I didn’t eat a single bite of that salad. Oh well. Ugh.

And since he had burnt his hand, he was in a BAD MOOD and being a total dick so then I got mad and then we were bickering and Chooch was like, “Cool – home sweet home.”

Ugh holidays. I wish we had had enough time (and money) to just go to Dollywood like we have done in the past because that is our happy place – Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge in general – we rarely fight when there! But no, we stayed in Pittsburgh and ate in near-silence (it can never be fully silent with the way Henry eats).

We were begging Chooch to tell us stuff about college but he is SO MYSTERIOUS. All we know is that he loves Drexel, his grades are great, and he already had three good friends that want to room altogether next year. That knowledge was really all we needed to make this salvageable Thanksgiving. Ugh, this year though. This motherfucking year. Having Chooch home is so awesome but it’s also picking the scab off my Bambi wound. She would have been so happy these past couple of days, having him home.

First Thanksgiving without her. In that cat grief book that Corey sent me over the summer, one of the big takeaways for me was the fact that you kind of have to go through every season of mourning, you have to get past all of the “first <whatevers> without the loved one.” This was the first Thanksgiving. The first Xmas will be really gross and unbearable, I’m sure. This really sucks so bad. So bad. It’s almost December and I’m still crying every day. When does it stop hurting.

Obligatory family Thanksgiving photo.

After dinner, Penelope came downstairs and cuddled with me. She knows. I don’t think she really misses her sister, but she knows.

Sorry – this was so negative. It really wasn’t a bad day, just the dinner portion which I don’t really care that much about anyway, and I know that what really matters was that we were all together. The next day / night was so much better so I’m not too mad about things.

Hello from Thanksgiving! It is so weird having Chooch home! I know he has only been away at college since September but it feels so much longer. And just like old times, he didn’t wake up until nearly 1PM and then came downstairs to take up space and complain (OK but mostly because I was trying to make him watch Seventeen videos).

Penelope was rolling around on the floor, playing with her toys, and I effing swear to god she would stop every once in a while and look back at Chooch as if to see if he was watching. It was so cute but I still think she hates him muchly.

Then he went to the Teen Center to interview the lady who runs the place, since she apparently is more interesting than his own mom and makes a better profile subject. Mmmm. He came home long enough to bitch about things and then went to the mall with his friends (and my credit card ughhhh I miss the days of Working Chooch) so Henry and I chilled out with some kpop content and beer. First I tried this Orval Trappist beer because I was convinced that I love monk stuff but this one was NOT GOOD.

“It smells like the pee of a sick person,” I reported as I pushed my glass toward Henry because he is like the sink drain for my beer rejects. Sorry, but I’m not wasting calories on a gross beer??!!

Henry found a Blue Moon in the back of the fridge and thought it would be a good idea to drink that next. Hello, it was probably left over from a party and who knows how old it was. Blue Moon was one of the first and only beers I was able to tolerate back in the day and if we were at a concert or festival and they had it, Henry would always share his with me because I could never drink a full one on my own and we all know how much concert beer costs. Anyway, I went to have a sip and Henry abruptly warned me it tasted bad and tried to stop me. But I was like I WILL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT.

“Ugh!” I grimaced. “It tastes like—”

“Stop! Don’t ruin it,” Henry pleaded.

“–the interior of an old car. Like if you ate an ace bandage.”

“OK great. That’s enough. Thanks.”

LOL, like I was actually done. “It tastes like Camden Park, like if you licked the duct tape holding together one of the rollercoaster seats,” I continued.

I’m pretty sure he dumped it out after that.

I did have one of my Chouffes though and even though it was an IPA, I found it to be quite refreshing and delightful. Even Henry liked it and was waiting for me to split it with him but I said, “Nah, I’ll just drink the whole thing, but thanks.”

😊

(LOL the TV in the background is showing the livestream from Incheon airport where Dispatch was waiting for Seventeen’s arrival and you better believe we sat here and waited with everyone else because we are legit Carats.)

Wait, real time update: I came downstairs and Henry is ROCKING OUT in the kitchen to Seventeen’s “Hot” while making vegan kimchi. Welcome to Thanksgiving at the Kelly-Robbins shanty.

Today has been pretty chill so far (literally) – I went for a walk in the rain this morning which I majorly regerted afterward and will probably be getting sick soon. But other than that, I have just been relaxing (well, after I got my workout in – I’m trying to get back into a fitness routine and of course I chose Thanksgiving week to kickstart that, like a fucking freak), watching some shows on Hulu, adding some Kpop Christmas cards to my Hello Hanguk shop because I am finally feeling a tiny bit creative again after like, years of not.

We got premade vegan Thanksgiving meal kits from Viridis so I’m looking forward to having that tonight. We have never had anything from Viridis before so this was really a shot in the dark but hopefully it’s good? Wish we lived closer to Seitan’s Realm because their T-giving meals looked fire. I love Seitan’s Realm so much.

Um, I guess that’s all! Just trying to use this bitchin’ space for more free-style type of posts because my therapist said that would be good. (Also, I googled “is it unethical to invite therapist to Christmas party” and I’m sure you already know the answer because even I knew the answer even though TV CHARACTERS ARE ALWAYS INVITING THEIR THERAPISTS TO EVENTS but gentle reminder to myself that I am not a TV CHARACTER, just a BROOKLINE ERIN, but anyway – this is how I learned about “transference” and how therapists are required to immediately refer their patients to someone else when that happens. HOW EMBARRASSING.)

Wait one more thing! Henry is back in the kitchen doing cooking things and Stray Kids’ Lose My Breath just came on and I got SO STOKED all over again about seeing them again next year! I told Henry to turn it up and he tried to get Echo to do it but Echo was like, “OK I WILL STOP THE SONG” and then it took him forever to get it to restart so consider the mood killed.

(My last two blog post titles ended in “Things” so I felt compelled to keep with the theme.)

Anyway!!! I woke up so excited yesterday because it was the official “Chooch Comes Home” day! We can’t trust him with basic things so Henry urged him to leave for the airport around noon even though his flight wasn’t until 6ish lol. He texted me around 1:30 to sarcastically thank me because he had made it through TSA super quick and was now faced with about 5 hours to kill hahaha. But I was relieved that he was at least where he needed to be and I could stop worrying about him arriving late and missing his flight.

And yes, I had begun nagging him a full week ago about not forgetting to bring his passport.

Just doing my job!

He randomly sent me this and it cracked me up because ew football. I asked him who took the picture and he said some random guy. Did Chooch actually….ASK for someone to take his picture? Please someone tell me who is this kid, FOR I DO NOT KNOW.

I was practically bouncing myself out of my desk chair all day, in anticipation. I wanted to leave for the airport as soon as I logged off from work at 5:30 but Henry was like HE HAS NOT EVEN BOARDED YET and Chooch was like THE PLANE ISN’T EVEN HERE YET. Boarding was delayed by nearly an hour, which was making me lose my mind.

As soon as Henry saw that the plane was over Harrisburg, he was like, “OK fine, we can leave for the airport now.” YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!

Even though there was an hour delay, he still somehow landed only 10 minutes later than scheduled. I hated almost every single person who walked past us while we were waiting, btw. Just lots of people I could tell that I would hate if I had to:

• live near them
• work with them
• stand in line somewhere with them

Henry was lecturing me about judging books by their cover (OK Mr. Rogers). But then he said, “Look, there’s Mark Madden” and I actually truly do hate that guy, so….see?!?!

(I used to listen to A LOT of sports radio when I was an uber hockey stan.)

As soon as Chooch texted me that he was on the shuttle, I got my phone ready like Dispatch in South Korea waiting for G-Dragon’s airport arrival. Chooch was T H R I L L E D.

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There was no hugging or anything like that – Chooch would never. LOL. And as soon as we got in the car, he read us a literal list of demands. Mostly necessities so I was OK with it, but then of course he tacked on, “and an iPhone 16” at the end, lol. Go away.

“I have to write a profile on someone for English while I’m home—” he started to say, to which I interrupted by shooting my hand into the air and grunting, “Oooh! Ooooh!” and he quickly cut me off with a curt, “Not you.”

WOW.

I guess he is going to ask the lady in charge of the Brookline teen center. Even though I am entirely more interesting, but OK.

I made him pose for a picture by the renovated Chooch Wall and when I said, “Ugh, smile properly!” this is what I got. He thought he did it fast enough that I wouldn’t get it BUT I DID and immediately posted it on Instagram much to his chagrin. :D

He had plans to hang out with his friend Isai but I made him watch the G-Dragon/BIGBANG performance from MAMA first and he actually sat through it and made comments like, “Is Seungri going to come out too?” KNOWING FULL WELL THAT THAT WOULD TRIGGER ME. But then when it was the BANG BANG BANG performance and G-Dragon come out with a new outfit on, Chooch goes, “UGH that is totally how he dressed me that one time!” and I knew exactly what he was referring to because I too made the comparison!

Also, Penelope seems mad that he is home. She was legit glaring at him on the steps last night and I said, “That’s because you’re her abuser!” He’s always telling her she looks like a rat and that she stinks!

I can’t wait to barely see him while he’s home!

We redid the Chooch wall (just painted it blue and actually hung the portraits in a less schizophrenic pattern plus swapped some older ones out) but what I’m most excited about is that Henry finally put red lights around the Cure wall. I’ve been nagging him for years and I finally wore him down I guess.

So that’s a thing that happened over the weekend.

Another highlight was that I got a delicious cauliflower sandwich thing from Allegro.

It was nice.

And then I also got a gift set of Chouffe that came with a glass!

I collect Belgian beer glasses now in case you care because apparently in order to be legit you have to drink Belgian beer from certain designated glasses. So much to Henry’s chagrin, I have a new thing to collect. Woo.

In other weekend news, we honestly spent so much time watching G-Dragon MAMA footage, reactions, etc. I can’t believe how much us VIPs have been fed by GD over the last month. No one does it like he does, no one. That man could have napped on the stage in a rocking chair and the crowd would have screamed their faces off. The power of GD. LIVING LEGEND. When I say he is right up there in my book alongside Robert Smith and Phil Collins…sheesh.

Also this happened and I lost my shit crying:

13 people. ♥️

I was so happy about all of these things that I did not let Monday get me down not even one tiny bit.

And the best part is that Henry keeps saying, “Let’s watch BIGBANG again” and then WE WATCH IT AGAIN. I love this for us so much. Henry never requested that I play Dance Gavin Dance stuff over again lol.

Oh! And I was inspired to make new kpop Christmas cards and I designed a label for the kimchi that Henry is making as party favors for Chingumas.

I still feel half-depressed but hopefully this is a sign that things are getting better I don’t know, baby steps. Bye.

I spent a large portion of Friday sobbing. Life in general. The Bambi-sized hole in my heart. Stupid things setting me off. Extremely thin skin – I was told that something I asked to be done at work was silly and I know I shouldn’t have let that bother me because the person likely didn’t mean it that way but it legit ruined my entire day because this is where I am in life – feeling like idiot garbage on the daily. All of these things are making it so hard for me just breathe. But then I woke up and immediately checked my phone because I knew that G-Dragon (and Taeyang and Daesung!) were supposed to perform at the second night of MAMA 2024. The livestream had started last night around 11pm and we watched the red carpet stuff but then I threw in the towel because it was almost 12:30am and I was drunk off one and a half Belgian beers, I am so pathetic.

I LITERALLY CANT HANDLE THIS DID THEY COME BACK RIGHT WHEN I NEEDED THEM THE MOST??? YES YES THEY DID. MY FUCKING HEART. IM STILL CRYING BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW. (Also Hoshi looking awestruck and happy in the audience!!!)

BIGBANG was such a huge part of the healing process for me when my aunt Sharon died, we lost my grandparents’ house, and Trump was elected for the first time – all of these things happened in the same year and then BIGBANG seriously saved me from one of the deepest, darkest pits of depression I’ve even been in. Music has always been my savior but this time it really hit differently because it inspired me to change my entire way of life and I have yet to look back. All of the adversities that BIGBANG have faced in the meantime has been so hard to watch as a VIP so to see the three remaining members get on that huge stage again and to see all of the idols in the audience being in awe and dancing, ugh, I loved to see it. (And again – especially Hoshi!!!)

Also! Seventeen walked away with 5 awards, including best artist and album and I was crying so hard over that, that my stomach hurt. And their performance was immaculate too. This was the first time since, well, BIGBANG last performed there that I actually 1. looked forward to MAMA, and 2. enjoyed it!

G-Dragon also won the Visionary Artist award, even after performing A MAMA DISS TRACK ON MAMA. He is the fucking GOAT.

I’m really emotional. I don’t know how to not care about this stuff. But I really fucking love it.

P.S. Henry is in the middle of re-hanging all of Chooch’s pictures on the Chooch Shrine Wall (we repainted it and I took that time to reorg the pictures since they were previously just tossed up there willy-nilly) and I got a brief video of him dancing to Seventeen’s Ash performance at MAMA.

P.P.S. Henry just screamed, “OW I have another pain in my back! I get one every time I think about those Stray Kids tickets.”

P.P.S. That’s because I thought I was using Paypal Credit but instead it was charged straight to our bank account, LOLOLOL oops. We’ll be eating canned beans and, I dunno, offbrand something or other for the next several weeks. It’s cool though! Because Stray Kids, lol.

I woke up so happy as soon as I remembered it was Friday. It’s been another long week. We cherish the Fridays.  Let’s Friday Five it out!!

I.

Our friend Marlene is having hip replacement surgery next week, so Megan, Debby and I went to her house last night to hang out with her. I love Marlene so much. She is in a lot of pain and really anxious to get this surgery done and over with, yet she was still in good spirits and her humor was just as biting and sharp as ever! Marlene is honestly goals.

I even went to TRADER JOE’S the night before to get some snacks to bring but ended up so overwhelmed and angry (I hate grocery stores in general but this one really angers me plus one of the worker girls was in my fucking way every time I turned around and I ranted about it for a solid 10 minutes after we left, culminating in me shouting, “JUST GO IN THE BACK AND STOCK SOMETHING IN THE FUCKING DUMPSTER” which I didn’t think was that funny but Henry did and actually laughed out loud and then that annoyed me too.

Anyway,  I ended up bringing two loaves of the delicious bread that is freshly baked several times a day at JMart down the street from us. We love this bread – I think it might be Uzbek? Those in the know (WE ARE IN THE KNOW, IS WHAT I AM HUMBLY ALLUDING TO HERE) will arrive at JMart around the time the bread is baked because it usually sells out before they even have a chance to put it on the shelves. We just happened to be there once when there WAS a loaf of it out on display, devoured it like barbarians within minutes of bringing it home, and then obsessively tried to buy it again after that. Henry finally asked one time when were there buying walnuts for my squirrels (lol) when the bread would be available again and the owner’s son gave us a hush-hush pro tip. Anway, Henry stopped there yesterday on his way home from work, had to wait in line for 30 minutes, but ultimately procured three loaves – two for me to take to Marlene’s and one for him to eat at his leisure lol – and it ended up being a hit even though Marlene was scared when I started my explanation of the bread with, “OK, just hear me out—”

But yeah, it was such a nice, cozy evening. I always enjoy hearing stories of Marlene’s youth, and Debby was telling us about how she and some others used to watch The Young and the Restless on a tiny B&W TV in the law firm’s breakroom in the 80s (yes, Debby had been working here for that long!).

And we learned that even though Marlene HATES cheese (weirdo!) she does enjoy cheese popcorn.

“Because it’s not real cheese,” she shrugged.

Here’s hoping her surgery goes well and that she’ll be back on her feet in no time!

II.

I snagged two tickets for the Toronto date of the upcoming Stray Kids tour (and a complimentary stress headache from Ticketmaster) and I am so stoked!!

We saw them in 2022 and it was such an amazing show that even Henry, who didn’t know TOO much about them at the time, walked away a Stay. (Well, maybe – I think he will only commit to being a Carat. He doesn’t have the energy to multi-stan.)

III.

I lost my mind this afternoon over Drew and started crying so uncontrollably that I gave myself a grief headache on top of the stress headache from Ticketmaster. I am so depressed. Adding to this depression and free-fall into midlife crisis’ing, I was unable to thread a needle this morning and burst into tears because it was so frustrating and OMG my eyes.

IV.

Did I really frame a Polaroid of me when I was 4, my best year, wearing my favorite dress and looking my best before I mutated in a fat and frumpy doof and my chin finished developing into its final Jay Leno form? Yes I certainly did.

But the other side is my grandparents at least. I love this picture of them because my Pappap is playfully (trust me it’s playful) pretending to slap her and some unknown hand is holding him back. At least – this is what I have always assumed was happening here. And I have always loved this picture so much. I miss my Pappap.

I know Temu is a no-no-mu, but I sure love these acrylic frames they sell.

V.

Can we end with two new songs from G-DRAGON (FEAT. TAEYANG AND DAESUNG) AND WONHO???? Yes, yes, we can. Happy pre-weekending! I’ll be catching up on the MAMA Award performances, my traditional pre-Thanksgiving tradition!

*******

Well, I’d like to note that I might have woken up happy but it’s now 7:24pm and I’m the exact opposite of happy. I’m sick of the way my job makes me feel.

Everything makes me cry anymore. Is it just that this year has been like a piñata stuffed with bad news and dread and devastating loss or am I perimenopausal. I don’t know but I am tired of feeling so many emotions constantly! I just want another day like Saturday where I feel calm and at peace without a fucking projector reel of trauma spinning out behind my eyes.

Even things that make me happy are also making me sad. Seventeen? I love them but I’m also sitting here and crying because they’re in their military era, because S.Coups couldn’t join them on Na Na Tour last year because of his injury rehab, because seeing them in Chicago was one of the best moments of my life but it was so fleeting.

I’m happy that Chooch is loving college life but I’m sad because I’m still here being depressed about Drew Beringer dying and I miss Chooch so much on top of that and nothing feels right in this house.

Please don’t tell Henry I am saying this but he is the only stable and familiar thing in my life right now. Everything else feels so weird and not right. This house. My job. My body. My brain.

I know it’s weird to put these things in a calendar constraint – like the year has anything to do with it, like January 1 will actually reset anything and make things ok again. But I really am looking forward to putting 2024 in the past. If I can get through even one day next year without crying, then it will already be better than this year.

There was no real point to this. Just feeling weird.

This new NCT Dream song has taken over my life. I am haunted. Renjun’s part in the beginning, the way he says “you” specifically, the fact that Haechan wrote these lyrics. All of these things paired with the DARK SYNTH OF MY YOUTH and I am down for the count.

Can someone please melt down Renjun’s voice and inject it into my heart, thank you. I think it’s the only thing that can heal me. I need to keep it in a flask.

Anyway, it was killing me over the weekend but I finally realized that this reminds me of a synthpop song that I was OBSESSED WITH when Henry and I first started dating and I was super into dark synth. That chime at the 1:15 mark goes right through me in the best “Bourbon in a cavity” type of way. Like when you are already so fucking depressed about something and you keep purposely listening to sad music to make it worse?? I know that’s not just me.

I found this on Spotify when we were driving to Cleveland on Saturday and it was suddenly winter 2002 again, whatever synthpop compilation this song was on playing on repeat in my CD player, and me laying on the floor crying.

You know, the uje.

Saturday was one of the most calm and emotionally mellow days I’ve had this year. I don’t know if that’s progress or if I’m just shutting down – lol – but it was a day of little to no complaints which is all I can ask for anymore.

Henry and I left the house around 8AM and drove to Cleveland in search of Korean beer for Chingumas. Pennsylvania is so fucking annoying and the Asian markets – at least here in Pgh – don’t sell alcohol. We got a few 6-packs from H-Mart in Chicago last month but still need more. It’s just so fucking hard to find not to mention expensive! Everything else Korean is so popular and common now in the US but alcohol, ugh. But I remembered that last year we went to a small and I do mean tiny Korean corner store and snatched up some last minute makgeolli and soju for the inaugural Chingumas, and they had K-beer there as well. So, it was a daytrip date for The Empty Nesters. Sigh.

The only thing you missed from the car ride was:

• me obsessing over the new NCT Dream album, most notably the song “Best of Me” and then using up every ounce of brain juice I had in reserves to recall the synthpop song it reminds me of (“Can’t Tell” by MindSideOut, fyi).
• me obsessing over my bulging veins in my hands because I desperately needed to drink water and then I started screaming, “My veins are varicosing!!!” and Henry was oddly mad about this and called me a liar. Trump gets re-elected and Henry’s already asserting his white maleness. Yay.
• my phone getting an event alert that WOLFENOOT is upcoming. Since my phone was connected to the car, this also popped up on the screen for Henry to see and he goes, “WOLFENWHAT??” and I had to explain to him that something like 10 years ago, someone posted on Twitter that their kid invented a holiday called WOLFENOOT, observed annually on 11-23, and I set a reminder in my phone so that I too could celebrate this lovely imaginary holiday except that I have failed to celebrate it even once in all these, so Henry goes, “Why don’t you just….delete the reminder?” AS IF.
  • I wonder if that kid even still celebrates it. What if I am the only one in the world who still even has it on the calendar??
    • OK I just googled it because I couldn’t even remember the purpose of this holiday and now that I’m reminded of its cause, I think I should try to observe it for real this year but I AM NOT EATING ROASTED MEAT.

It felt like it took so much longer to get to Cleveland than usual. Did it always take 2 hours?! I feel like it used to be a 90 minute drive!? Anyway, our first stop was Vegan Doughnuts (I wish they had had a contest to help them come up with a better name than that because I would have entered with a quickness). We arrived at the Lakewood location around 10:45 and I was so happy to see that it now has its own storefront and isn’t squatting inside that Brewnuts place which is where we had to go 2 years ago to get their donuts and it was full of pretentious craft beer day drinkers and I loved the aesthetic but HATED the vibes.

Now, I feel that on any other given day, our Erin would have reacted to this is a very different way, but when we walked to the donut place and saw that there was a sign that said “restocking, be back at 11:15” I simply shrieked “OH COME ON!!!!” and then agreed to just walk around the area instead of starting a fire to the entire block while screaming LET’S JUST GO HOME and then spending the next 2 hours back in the car, pouting and scowling out the window.

I’m getting there, you guys! I’m getting there.

So, we went for a walk and saw this amazingly frightening storefront. The place was called Hixson’s – I have no idea what kind of store it was. Henry’s guess was “Stained glass” – I’m too ambivalent to google.

When we got back to the donut place, it was 11:13 and a LINE HAD ACCUMULATED. Again, I started to get bent out of shape, but Henry was like, “It’s not that bad” to which I said, “YEAH BUT THERE ARE SMALL KIDS IN THE LINE ALSO” but I sighed heavily and got in line anyway. And he was right – it was not that bad. We only had to stand outside for about 5 minutes before the door was opened to us and since it’s just donuts or GTFO, the line moved swiftly. Within another 5 minutes, it was our turn and even after I was cursing people under my breath for taking ones I wanted, everything I wanted was still available and even better – when I inquired about the empty raspberry strudel section, the super friendly donut girl said there were more in the back and that if we were ok with waiting a few minutes, she’d bring one out to us! It was a donut miracle!

And on this day, I learned that being patient and leaving my hateful comments at the curb, I too could enjoy the donut I most wanted.

Resting donut face.

Seriously, who looks that pissed at a donut shop!?!? He wasn’t even mad about anything that day except that I think he was annoyed with everyone else in line with us and that was valid, believe me. I am just trying to be a better person or else I would have typed a few paragraphs about the donut waiting room.

Old-fashioned, Boston Creme (ugh, Henry’s choice), apple cider, lemon lavender. Not pictured – the raspberry strudel which came out to us in a separate bag.

Yo, I say this every time I have a donut, that I am really not a donut person but these donuts are just SO GOOD. The lemon lavender was my fave – I loved how bright the lemon flavor was and how soft and chewy the dough is. Honestly worth the drive especially if you’re looking for vegan donuts specifically, but these are even more delicious than a lot of non-vegan donuts I’ve had, really.

Plus!! It’s owned by a Black woman and I love to support that.

Then we went to Kim’s and got four 6 packs of beer. It was slim-pickins. But the older couple who run that shop are so nice and it was a pleasant experience so not a total bust. We also went to another larger Asian market (the one where I first found the BIGBANG iced tea bottles all those years ago!) but they do not have ANY alcohol. We did get some snacks for the drive home though.

The rest of the evening was spent watching Seventeen’s Nana Tour on Viki (it is wild having Henry hard stan a Kpop group and not just casually being a fan from a distance) and sharing Belgian beers which was easier to procure than Korean beers, sigh.

1. The Past Should Stay Dead: An Example

Chiodos is doing a 20-anniversay tour for their album All’s Well That Ends Well and anyone who knew early 2000s Erin knows that this album was SO IMPORTANT to me. I have lyrics from it tattooed on my dumbo arm for Christ’s sake. I really considered getting tickets for the Pgh show in April but you guys, the only OG member left is the singer Craig Owens, who actually had left the band because he is so freaking horrific to work with and the remaining members continued on with a new singer – OK you don’t care, it doesn’t matter, the point is that the band in its original context dissolved and when I heard that they had “reunited,” I was like, “Oh, it’s just Craig now and all new people. No thanks.” Because Chiodos was one of those bands where it wasn’t just the singer that you’d latch on to – all of the members were larger than life, disgustingly talented, personable, etc. So for me, it’s the OG crew or GTFO. That show ended up selling out super fast anyway, but then last night I got an email that a second Pgh show was added so I went to Ticketmaster and really was considering it to the point where I had two tickets in my cart. Then for some stupid reason I couldn’t log into Paypal which is odd because I used Paypal like every day with no issue, so after three tries, I threw my phone down on the couch and said, “You know what? No. I’m not doing this. It’s a sign.” Henry, from his dining room greeting card work station, said, “Well, there’s a 90% chance you would have hated everyone there anyway.” I scoffed. “Yeah – the main person there.” I think this is growth, you guys. I really am almost fully divorced from sad, emo scene kid Erin. Oh and don’t even get me started on the WARPED TOUR reboot cash grab. It feels so disingenuous and phony.

2. Me & My C-List References

Remember last month when I did my volunteering bullshit and I loved the landscaping lady? Well, one of the things I failed to note was that she talked in this particular way that I really love, it’s a certain way she would say her ‘r’s and the whole time I was like, “UGH IT’S THE SAME WAY THAT LADY FROM THAT SHOW DUET TALKS” but I couldn’t think of her name and also whoever references the show Duets?? Why was I watching that show in like, 2nd grade?? Anyway, last night I was sitting here and I kapchugi shouted, “MARY PAGE KELLER!!” and Henry was like, “Ok?” and then I had to explain all of this to him and, just as it was a waste of time to type all of this out, it was also a waste of time explaining it to him out loud because he obviously didn’t care. Why would anyone care. I must have REALLY liked that show as a young Erin though because to this day anytime I meet someone who talks like that, I feel instantly comforted??

LOL what even was this show about??

(Related – I was so stoked at the Zsa Zsa Gabor reference in the Netflix Menendez Bros series, and then the other night I was watching an episode of Only Murders in the Building from season 4 and there was another Zsa Zsa reference! And the reference was literally, “Zsa Zsa Gabor reference” and I was fucking dead. The way I love Zsa Zsa….)

3. We’re living in Weiss Meats’ world now

In my last therapy session, we talked about my abusive time at Weiss Meats, the sexual harassment I endured, the mediation. I was getting so upset that my heart was racing and I had to actually stop at one point, put my hand on my chest and tell her that I couldn’t get my heart to slow down. The re-election of Trump has triggered me in so many ways because it’s just another indication that instead of moving forward, we are being shoved backward. Like, violently. So many of us – women, immigrants, minorities, LGBTQ. How is our country lauded as this great nation when we are so fucking backward and refuse to allow a confident, capable, intelligent woman to become President (80 other countries have elected women to run their joints but ok cook on Dumberica).

(THAT’S WHAT I CALL AMERICA NOW IN CASE YOU WERE CONFUSED.)

Anyway, one of the things that came out of that session, that I had pushed into the dark and bleak recesses of my mind, is that back in 2004 when I first went to a lawyer about the things I had endured at Weiss Meats, and they read over my account, I was referred to a rep from the EEOC who then said, “No, this isn’t sexual harassment. Let’s go with…sex discrimination.”

Yo. I was QUITE LITERALLY GRABBED BY THE PUSSY by my boss’s son. I am not exaggerating. I was at the filing cabinet in my office and he ran over to me, grabbed and squeezed my crotch, and then ran away. I was stunned. I am still stunned every time I think about this and believe me you, I think about it a lot.

But…that’s not sexual harassment. (YOU’RE RIGHT – IT’S FUCKING SEXUAL ASSAULT, BUT I DIDN’T KNOW THAT THEN, I WAS 20 FUCKING YEARS OLD AND WORKING IN MY FIRST OFFICE AND MY MOM WAS TELLING ME SHE HAD THIS HAPPEN TO HER TOO ALL CASUAL-LIKE, LIKE OK  THIS IS A NORMAL DAY FOR A WOMAN IN THE WORKPLACE, GOT IT.)

I had a laundry list of the things that happened to me, and to have to sit in that mediation room, me against all these men, and the only person on my side was….another man? I still cannot believe that this was something I was able to get through. It feels like it must have been a bad dream.

But when Trump’s “grab them by the pussy” bullshit was going on, and it was dismissed as “locker room talk” and I saw other women on Facebook (thank god I left) agreeing that it was “just words” and that anyone crying about it was just a snowflake, it brought all that back. Was I overreacting? Was I not really abused? Was what happened to me normal? It wasn’t rape, so should I have just walked away and not fought back with my former employer?

The #metoo movement was so validating, and for a minute I thought that maybe the country was moving forward, maybe people like me who had gone through varying degrees of assault, harassment, discrimination, maybe this was our time to be recognized and to start really healing. But no, I was wrong, because the re-electing of this piece of shit just reenforced the notion that women don’t matter. This is truly Weiss Meats’ world, you guys. 20 fucking years later and our country is about to be lead – again – by someone who would pat the Weiss Bros on the back for the way they treated women.

Sorry, this is probably a mess of words, but I too am nothing more than a mess right now. Burn it all fucking down.

4. Chooch Can’t Escape Kpop

Got these texts from Chooch the other day LOL.

Also, someone on Chooch’s dorm floor wrote “Stream SVT Love Fame Money” on the RA’s whiteboard and he sent it to me like, “Did you break in here??” LOL. He was disgusted. When I say BTS and their fans ruined Kpop for him…

In other family kpop news, last night I overheard Henry saying “Seventeen right here” and singing Blackpink’s Pink Venom while rummaging through the fridge.

In other family kpop news, part 2: I just made Henry watch the latest NCT Dream music show stage and he said, “It was OK but I’m a Seventeen stan now.” WOW. He’s in deep. There’s no room for multi-stanning with this guy.

5. LET’S END WITH A RAINY-THEMED VIDEO BECAUSE IT’S RAINING TODAY

Hope everyone but Trump, the remaining Weisses, and anyone who condones/excuses/does sexual assault has a great weekend :) Goodbye from Trauma Town.

I’m not one to dream-journal, but the one I had last night was so real and amazing and I never ever ever want to forget it, even though I feel so sad and heavy-hearted now.

OK so first of all, I was in college!? I was the age I am now, and it was so uncomfortable, plus I kept falling asleep in English class and couldn’t get words to come out right, like I was trying to talk with wet gravel in my mouth. But somehow, against all odds, I made friends with this young girl from NY named Dream (lol) and I was telling her about Chooch going to Drexel and that I felt weird for being 45 and in college and she was like, “No you’re fine!” but everyone else was straight scowling at me with disgust, like I smelt of elder-diapers and prunes, so I did not feel fine. Then I got some papers back and of course the comments were talking about what a fucking writing phenom I was. *blows on fingertips*

Then, even though I thought I was living in the dorms, I was back in the super small apartment that I was sharing with this Korean influencer who I have followed for years (IRL) – Joan Kim. She had just come back from one of her many business trips and we were hugging but I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there, even though I lived there. While she was in the bathroom, I was sitting on a couch and suddenly, Jonghyun from SHINee (he passed away in 2017 so this was extra jarring) was sitting next to me and in my dream, he was my best friend that only I could see.

But he was also still Jonghyun who was a real person, so this was not an imaginary friend sitch. I was SO FUCKING HAPPY TO SEE HIM that I was crying. Then Joan came out of the bathroom and I had to act like I wasn’t sitting on the couch, hugging Jonghyun.

She left, and then Jonghyun and I went out. We were walking around this cute little street lined with small cafes and gift shops and somehow we were both like, “WE ARE MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS” and he kissed me and I was like, “!!!!!!!!!!”  Then! A little girl said something to him and I said, “You can see him??” and she looked at me like I was crazy and then I realized that everyone could see him; somehow, we figured out that he was only “alive” in this particular town, which turned out to be a small town in France?! I guess that is where I was living with Joan Kim, while apparently going to college in the US, I have no idea. So, then I was trying to get him to stay, because then we could be together, but he was like, “I have to go to….” some other weird ass cities I can’t remember now, but I can still feel my desperation at trying to keep him here.

This is one of the only celebrity deaths that hit me hard and stuck with me. I keep a framed picture of him on our bedroom wall. I am so sad today, all over again.

This was the Jonghyun in my dream :(

Between the weird and shitty personal things that have me feeling super down this year, Bambi dying, the election and the horrible things looming on the horizon, last night’s dream, and the fact that our Law Firm days are over for good as far as our beloved 10th floor goes (our office is consolidating floors and ours got the ax), I am just so numb and have no faith or hope. Just a weird limbo between “too tired to cry” and “I don’t feel like myself anymore.”

OK never mind about being too tired to cry because after avoiding this song for years, I am listening to it now and crying hot ugly fat tears. Lock me in a dark room somewhere and throw away the key.