May 302016
 

The day is nearly over, but I wanted to acknowledge Memorial Day by sharing a picture of my personal hero, Henry. Even though he refuses to share stories about his Service days, which really saddens me, he had his name on the side of an airplane so I guess he legit did some stuff when he was in the Air Force.

But you gotta figure, all that practice and experience he got during his time serving had really helped him survive his current station in life.

(Look, I’m just trying to not look at the TV right now because the Penguins give me heart palpitations.)

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May 302016
 

Today we head back home to Pittsburgh so you know what that means — live blogarama. Sadly, this one won’t have as many big asses in it.

10:25am: We’re with Bill & Jessi waiting to be seated at Scrambler Marie’s and Bill is ready to file a formal complaint because they told us the wait is 25 minutes when we can clearly see NUMEROUS open booths and tables?! ITS DISPROPORTIONATE.

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Henry’s mommy just called him to thank him for serving our country!!

10:35am: Now I’m standing inside and Bill just RECOUNTED the empty tables. Some waitress came over to see if our name was on the list and Jessi reiterated that we preferred to sit outside and that we saw there “SEVERAL EMPTY TABLES OUT THERE.” The waitress was like “OK let me check with the hostess because I don’t want to screw her up.” SHE IS ALREADY SCREWED UP.

10:41:


WE’VE ARRIVED.

11:00am: INTENSE KIDS MENU ACTIVITIES.

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Also, still talking about the wait time / empty table ratio.

12:02pm: Ugh we said goodbye which is the worst and now we’re back on the road. The breakfast was worth the wait, and also observing the bizarre manner in which Chooch says his pancakes: he scrapes some off with a knife and then scoops it up with the knife and fork and two-hands it into his mouth? Like who taught this kid how to eat? Also, Henry usually has to cut his food because he can’t stand watching him struggle with butterknives because apparently Chooch has inherited his inability to cut food from his mother. That’s what Henry says, but if you ask me, Chooch would just prefer someone else to do it for him, and that is something he definitely inherited from his mother.

So there.

12:10pm: Henry Appreciation Shout-Out. Homeboy hooked me up this weekend! He bought some of these without me knowing at Bled Fest, and the rest came from Dearborn Music where the guy at the register said, “These are actually some really good records” like he was surprised but then it was probably because he thought they were Henry’s since Henry was paying, and we all know Henry has I’M A TED NUGENT NUGGET practically branded across his furrowed forehead.


That P!ATD is Chooch’s but still. We’re already fighting about who gets to listen to what first, ugh. It’s really hard having a kid who’s exactly like me. I’m sure our bickering was beginning to wear on Bill & Jessi!

1:02pm: Absolutely nothing interesting has been happening since I last checked in. Just been annoying Henry with an emo revival Spotify playlist (I like to flail and flop around in the passenger seat to this stuff which adds to Henry’s annoyance) and now all of a sudden Chooch has decided to remove his nose from Goblet of Fire* in order to poke his head between the seats and bitch about something.

*We stopped at a Walmart (UGHHH) in Monaca, PA on our way to Michigan on Friday to buy Chooch the 4th Harry Potter book because Henry claims he couldn’t find my copy on the third floor (otherwise known as The Computer Burial Ground) which he was supposed to clean out weeks ago in order to turn it into a guest room. Anyway, I GOT LOST in Walmart because I hung back in the makeup section a tad too long and then BOOM. THEY WERE GONE. So I wondered around with my hand on my chest, trying to build a dam for the tears that were about to spring forth from my eyes, and then some way young Walmart worker boy flirtily said hello to me and I giddy for a split second until I remembered that HELLO IM LOST.

I had to ask some Walmart broad for directions to the book aisle but then I saw them walking by and I ran toward them and cried, “I’VE BEEN FOUND.” Chooch literally threw his arms around me because he knows how fragile I am. Henry just rolled his eyes though.

All that and they didn’t even have the dumb book so they had to go to Target which is where I said they should have gone to in the first place. This in addition to the really slow service at the Monaca King’s completed negated the fact that I left work an hour and a half early because we still arrived in Howell at the same time we would have had I left work at 5:30 so thanks for sucking, Monaca.

1:16pm: Chooch said he saw some guy wearing a La Dispute shirt at Bled Fest. I asked him if he said “cool shirt, bro” and Chooch said, “No, because I hate them.” UGH MY KID IS THE WORST.

1:24pm: Chooch just farted and I had to put down the windows to fumigate. So for that, here is a LA DISPUTE VIDEO, WOOOO.

1:49pm: AND NOW WE ALL HATE EACH OTHER AFTER A REST STOP WENT SOUTH DOWN THE TOILET. All I fucking want (may, NEED) is coffee and schools started running his mouth because Henry wouldn’t give him money for some dumb arcade game and now they’re fighting and I was like FUCK EVERYONE and stormed off. Then I put on a SMOOTH JAZZ station in the car because I have a headache (see also: NEED COFFEE) and Henry had the audacity to try and change the station like this was an accident!? And apparently he stole money out of Chooch’s wallet for “tolls” so this is a brand new fight.

2:49pm: Well everything was fine, Chooch resumed his book-reading, I was happily dissecting my Bled Fest experience, but then HENRY made me look up the nearest Sheetz on google maps and now the car is full of angry snipes and raised voices again because FUCK YOUR MAP.

2:57: I CAN SEE SHEETZ AND I WANT IT.

3:18pm: Iced lattes must be super hard to make because I have had a shit ton of really fucking terrible ones, two in a row today. I guess Crazy Mocha just has me spoiled. Henry’s pissed because I apparently “wasted money” but he’s not a coffee drinker so he doesn’t understand the devastation and ensuing pout-session when one is served a poor excuse for a latte. Go drink a Faygo, Hank.

3:46pm: Henry stopped at a rest area to get me a latte from Starbucks (I dislike Starbucks but whatever – third latte’s a charm) and Chooch and I had a huge fight in the car because he nearly ruined my Bled Fest poster by being CARELESS and then he accused me of knowing where his dumb wallet is but not telling him?! So by the time Henry got back to the car, Chooch was in full-blown TAKE ME TO THE ORPHANAGE I DONT CARE mode. What a little jerkfuck, seriously. Now he’s back to breathing heavily while reading and I’m nursing my mediocre Starbucks iced latte and Henry is enjoying the silence after I gre tired of yelling about how I disagree with the Cincinatti Zoo’s decision to MURDER their gorilla, but whatever — I know enough people from that area to understand that it’s not exactly known for its high IQ.

This whole bit prompted Henry to say, “When I used to go to the zoo in the 70s” and then something about animals in cages but I quit paying attention when I realized that there wasn’t going to be a pregnancy scandal or TED NUGENT concert involved.

4:40pm: Henry just gave me a hard time for apparently listening to too much Cardboard Swords. “How many times are you going to listen to this?” he asked in a needling fashion. AS MANY TIMES AS I WANT, CUNT. Jesus. Nag much?!

Also, he made me count change for tolls at the last minute and then talked while I was trying to count?! I can’t stand him.

4:59pm:


YEAH BOIIIIIII THAT’S MY CITY. 10 minutes until we’re in good Ol’ Brookline. And Chooch just assaulted me with the sight of his bare feet.

6:02pm: Been home for an hour. Cleaned up succulent carnage (of which there was enough to require a plant cemetery, le sigh) and reminded the cats who I am. They seemed stressed out and then we realized that they had to endure their very first Memorial Day parade which oozes past our house every year and is chockful of sirens, muskets, and the screeching sound of children. Sorry, cats. :( Glad to be home but I’m already missing my Michigan friends and without the distractions, some pretty significant post-show depression is beginning to eke its way in. And then Chooch cut himself while playing with Marky and Henry’s not here so I started to panic but don’t worry, Chooch dressed his own wound while I was laying in the fetal position. Ugh. Back to dumb reality I guess.

But hoooooo boy, I’ll be back with a myriad of Bled Fest post for everyone to scroll past! Stay stoked.

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May 282016
 

Technically Henry still says he’s not doing this. LOL. Yeah right. Take it away, big guy! (This may or may not be ghost-written by a 10-year-old version of Henry.)

11:11am: it’s 11:11 and I wished that a sweet big assed girl would walk past the car, and she did! Best short vacation ever! Also I stared till she walked away, she looked at me and I raised my eyebrows up and down!

11:26am: standing in this bitchin’ line and I fucking hate concerts. I dunno if my son’s mother told you that, but If not I did. Anyway there’s a lot of sexy big assed girls Here people keep looking at me like I’m a pervert. I wonder if people think I’m a dilf!

11:52: Just exited the stupid school to finally plan my escape. Some stupid people from Artifex Pereo said “nice shirt to my son. There are some sexy big boob broads in the school. I think they winked at me! Mission Accoplished! Also I can’t follow directions my son’s mother yelled at me to keep the v.i.p bag but I threw it into our Lamborghini.

12:34pm: listening to shitty music while staring at big asses. Man, I wish I had a big ass I could squeeze it all day! mMmMmMm! Well I think my life is going a different direction! Pay 10$ for me to squeeze your ass as a massage!

12:55pm:


IM STARING AT SOME BAND ASSES LIKE A PERV AND AN OLD PERSON! Also “enjoying” music at “Bleeding from my ears fest”

1:15: I went to the V.I.P Lounge so I can escape Artifex Pereo. There were some Staff members with gigantic asses! More to squeeze. My new store is PERVs Ass Massages! Hopefully the cop that comes to arrest me has a nice ass!

2:45pm: We met Artifex Pereo. And more asses! My store will be in Moon Township! Some sexy ass broad girl be havin dat nice ass yelled at my son’s mother’s son. I watched a band by myself! I was away from small ass girlfriend!


5:00pm:  I’m tired and I want to go home to mummy and my nipples. Everybody knows I can’t rub them here. I got meatballs on my shirt and my small ass girlfriend tried to take a picture of it for tinder.

6:05pm:


Dreaming about dem asses at Bled Fest. There was someone tea bagging their car in my dream. I thought the car was a big ass broad. There is a water tower as big as an ass I saw today in the merch room.

6:20pm: big kick ball hit me while I was sleeping. I thought I was getting accepted by the big ass girls! My company is getting customers!

8:00pm: Today I saw some hot broads twerking their fat big juicy asses off while I ordered a pizza. Man life’s good! My small ass girlfriend was watching The World Is a Beautiful Big Ass Place! To teach how to twerk her ass off.

******

9:31am: I forgot to write about the FINAL MINUTES! But my son’s mother found out and said that she will tell the police but I didn’t care I wanted that big ass cop to arrest me! Anyway small ass girlfriend was watching Superheavenhell with all the big ass girls. But it was hot in there and I didn’t want to get sweat all over dat girls big ass.

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May 272016
 

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I promise this is it. The last post about Universal. I’ll stick a fork in it when I’m done. But man, this was the best vacation and it came at the perfect time, almost just fell into our lap and you have to know that shit like that never happens to us. It was like being rewarded for making it 36 years without committing homicide or heading a drug cartel.

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The third day was chill as fuck. We had already ridden everything by then so we just basically ran amok and re-rode all of our favorites like all of the Harry Potter stuff and that motherloving Mummy Returns ride — seriously, that joint was bomb.

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I would say the highlight of day 3 for me was definitely revisiting Seuss Landing even though Son of the Year started a fight with me right before we got there and then I got super sensitive about it and decided that we were just going to LEAVE so I stormed off in a huff and heard Henry hiss, “APOLOGIZE TO HER” because he didn’t want some ungodly scene to play out in the middle of the most adorable place in Universal, so then Chooch begrudgingly said he was sorry and I wasn’t satisfied with it but I also didn’t want to actually leave so then Henry rang the lunch bell and I snapped out of it because YAY IT WAS TIME TO EAT INSIDE THE SEUSSIAN CIRCUS TENT YOU GUYS!
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Henry was so annoyed because the train travels through and everyone waves and of course I too was waving as obnoxiously as possible just to piss off Henry even more. He is sooooo out of touch with Childlike Wonder. It baffles me.

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Here’s a pretty well-known fact about me: I hate SpongeBob. Always have, always will. I honestly just can’t with that piece of shit cartoon, so when Henry rudely pointed out to Chooch that there was a SpongeBob photo op, I wanted to Mexican Necktie him on the spot. Of course the line closed off as soon as we walked over but their liar of a handler said, “two minutes!”

Last time I checked, two minutes wasn’t a synonym for half an hour, but what do I know. #highschooldropout

HOPE IT WAS WORTH IT, SONNY BOY.

(Apparently it was because he got two key chains made with the stupid picture. So gross.)

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I was totally on board with Sideshow Bob & Krusty though.

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Guys this payphone rings every minute or so and if answer it, a random Springfield resident will be on the other line, yelling at you, and it’s awesome. Even Henry partook in some payphonage.

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In conclusion (I’ve been reading too many of Chooch’s school papers), Universal is made of pixie dust and literal win. It is my current favorite theme park of all time and I already decided that I’m going to get a job there. I think it kind of brought us closer as a family because Henry actually rode everything once. Also, I already mentioned this in my Liveblog from the drive home, but we rode the Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit (what a horrible name for a coaster though am I right?) and there’s an option to select a song to listen to from a  personal built-in stereo and of course it’s extremely mainstream and limited; Henry and I found out afterward that we both picked Finger Eleven without knowing the other chose it! (We weren’t even sitting together.) Tru luv, I guess.

Tru something.

This place was absolutely mesmerizing and exciting. I just wanted to lay down on the hot pavement and make melted-flesh Angels while giggling maniacally — it was just a crazy euphoria that I can’t wait to experience again.

I’m sure I could forcefully stuff another several paragraphs into this pointless piñata of words, but truth be told, I’m in the car on the way to Michigan and I really just want to dance like I have Tourette’s to my Bled Fest play list which clearly is what Henry wants too in lieu of me quietly blogging in the passenger seat.

I’m feeling really psychotic but in the totally feel-good kind of way.

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May 262016
 

pensconference

What a goddamn series. I love hockey, but sometimes I honestly think it’s going to put me in an early grave. There were several times tonight where I thought I was going to punch myself in the face!

Most of the games in this Tampa series I wound up watching alone because Henry goes to bed so early because he’s almost 51 I guess. But this was Game 7 and he managed to stay awake for the whole thing, plus Chris came over and watched most of it with us so that really helped because conversation was a welcome distraction (oh bitch please, don’t worry, we still screamed our dumb faces off). Lucky for the Internet I didn’t have to use live-blogging as a distraction this time!

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What a night. I’m so overheated and my heart palpitations are finally starting to subside so I’m going to dunk my head in a barrel of cold water and then go bed. PENS!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Panic starts all over again on Monday!!

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May 262016
 

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It’s officially been a month since our Orlando trip and I’m still not back to normal yet. Rather than stretch out my thoughts like taffy (because you know I can keep pulling that shit out of brain until someone makes me stop, usually Henry), I’m going to wrap up the Harry Potter portion of the vacation with some photos from the last two days.

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The character actors were amazing. They would hold lengthy conversations with anyone who made eye contact with them, and sometimes they would just blindside you with conversation, like one particular witch who crouched down and started talking to Chooch while he was sitting on the ground looking at his map. I mean, she asked him all sorts of questions, and she was kind of cute so his responses were mostly unintelligible. It really added to the experience.

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Henry, trying not to smile. Bitch loved him some Harry Potter World. By the second day, he had pretty much stopped riding things, and said that he was fine hanging out by himself “watching all the people run around making things happen with their wands.”

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🚉🛤

A video posted by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin) on

There were a lot of things that made me squeal with happiness, but this mirror that made it look like everyone really was walking through the brick wall totally made me lose my mind.

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The last two times we rode Hogwarts Express, I had major coughing fits. Like the ones that come out of left field, everything is fine, and then suddenly you have A Tickle it feels like your throat is folding in on itself and there is no other option but to conjure up a magical knife to scratch that itch by COUGHING AS VIOLENTLY AS POSSIBLE so that everyone around you starts feeling paranoid about CONTAGION and PANDEMICS.

Twice this happened on two separate days!! I was so upset the second time because I had planned ahead by making sure that there was beverage available and then my asshole son drank it all while we were in line and had the audacity to get annoyed when I frantically pantomimed for him to give me a fucking ice cube while I was literally wretching in the train compartment and looking like I was Patient X in the zombie apocalypse.

Then I brought the cough home with me and drove my co-workers crazy for a week.

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Weird ice cream flavors in an amusement park—thank you, Lord Florean Fortescue. I had a scoop of clotted cream and Earl Grey lavender and might I tell you that it was DIVINE? I mean, I might if that was how I talked.

It was rull gud, guyz.

And the ice cream scooper guy was so awesome and pleasant to talk to and you know how much I hate small talk! Not with this guy!

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Chooch got one scoop of Plain and one of Safe.

Otherwise known as vanilla and strawberry. Probably. I can’t remember, but I know I was disappointed that he didn’t get anything I wanted to try,

(Henry got butter beer soft serve, which I already wrote about the other day so you should go back and read that if you want. Or don’t. Do what you want. I’m not your fucking mother.)

Can I just live here forever.

A video posted by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin) on

I can’t remember if I already posted this video, but oh well! My blog, my rules! Lol(ing alone forever).

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Henry spent so much time waiting for me and Chooch to be done riding Escape from Gringott’s that he found himself on the same firebreathing schedule as Gringott’s Dragon.

(Seriously, watching the fire breath never got less exciting!)

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Do you know what the best part is? (Sorry, but this is about to turn into a Mommy Blog mo’ right here) For as much as my kid loves to read (his Dibels score thingie is like off the chain, or whatever) he has never really expressed much interest in Harry Potter. But being there was like opening up a whole new world to him and he has been obsessed ever since. He asked me lots of questions while we were there (I mean, he already knew the basics, but there were so many nuances that a casual fan could have missed), and then when I suggested that he just start reading the books, he agreed and there was a scary hunger to his voice. Even though I have the books at home, we bought him the first one on the day we left Florida and he immediately started reading it in the car. He’s currently nearly done with the third book and it’s literally all he talks about. He’s smug because the smartest girl in his class is only on the first book so now it’s like a race I guess, who knows where he gets that from.

See? I knew we could pull off the whole “educational vacation” guise.

Meanwhie: The Penguins won the Conference Finals and are going to the Stanley Cup Finals!!!! TODAY IS THE BEST DAY! I LOVE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE!

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May 252016
 

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It’s been nearly two years since this douchenamic duo has joined forces, and god only knows what will happen this weekend when they reunite. Pond drownings?! Ceiling head bashings!?

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Jesus-y jubilation?!

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Time will tell. This week has been dragging on and on and on. I just want Friday to get here so we can be Michigan-bound! I’m so excited to see these fools again and hear all about Jessi’s RHPS acting gig!

Kind of sad that we’ll be missing the crappy Memorial Day parade that limps past our house every year though.

LOL, SIKE.

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May 242016
 

I feel like I need to bullet-blog through the hockey game tonight because I can’t stand these games and I need something to keep me busy or else I will straight have a coronary right here in my stupid living room. So let’s pretend like we care about all the daily minutia that occurs in the life of this basic bitch.

  • Terry ordered puppies last Thursday at work! It was a super exciting ordeal because who doesn’t want to abandon work for a few minutes to be kissed by some fucking adorable puppies? Goodamn serial killers and Donald Trump, that’s who. Uber was doing some charity thing with the Humane Society where you could literally call up an Uber and they’d bring you puppies to play with, and then the money you pay for the Uber went straight to the Humane Society. What a fucking genius idea! We all enjoyed it immensely, but no one more than Michele, who ended up being so smitten and puppy-drunk that she went out and adopted one a few days later! God, I love a happy ending. (All versions.)
    • I get really emotional around animals, so even though I was happy to pet some puppies, I still cried because crying is just what I do. It’s fine. I own it. I really miss having dogs, though!
    • guess who didn’t go outside to see the puppies? Glenn. But we already know he’s a serial killer.

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  • Here I am with my very first dog, WALLY. WALLY WAS SO WONDERFUL! RIP IN WALLY! :(
  • Emarosa’s new single “Helpless” has been getting some actual radio play on some Detroit radio station! Tonight, they were up against Brand New for some battle of the band thingie and Bradley was all, “Hey Twitter, call and vote” and when a band I like tells me to do something, I’m probably going to do it, even if that means using my phone as an actual phone which is like my least favorite thing to use my phone for. Ugh, what the hell, Emarosa. The first time I called, I HUNG UP WITH THE DJ ANSWERED BECAUSE OMG PANIC, ANXIETY, WILL I START STUTTERING, WHO CAN EVEN GUESS?! So then I called back and of course the dude couldn’t just take my vote and hang up, he had to start asking me questions like “what is your name” and “where are you from?” and I got a super fan-girl lilt to my voice and PLEASE I HOPE THEY DIDN’T PUT ME ON AIR UGH.
    • It’s hard to believe that I used to do this shit for sport! I can’t tell you how many mix tapes I’ve collected where each song is preceded by “This is SUSIE, from CLAIRTON.” That was my go-to name and location.
  • Chooch has been really into Music.ally for a while now and I guess this is basically admitting that I’m out of touch, but I think it’s dumb as fuckkkkkk. Especially when he wants me to help him film shit. But then when we were at my grandparents house over the weekend, he roped Corey into assisting him and I have to admit, it was pretty funny.

#littleblackdress #emarosa #musically #notmybathroom

A video posted by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin) on

And here is another one that I like:

The best ending. 😹 #musically #catsofinstagram

A video posted by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin) on

  • 10 more minutes until this stupid hockey game starts. I just can’t with Stanley Cup playoffs. Henry never stays awake for the end so I’m always alone, freaking out, and having no one to console me. Thanks, fuck boy.
  • Speaking of Henry, he broke his phone so he’s been using some spare phone from work and it’s a FLIP PHONE with NO INTERNET ACCESS lol forever. I downloaded a new emoji keyboard just so I could send him a “cuz” emoji  because I always try to get him to say “Sup cuz” to his “friends” and he gets so mad because “I DON’T TALK LIKE THAT!” Anyway, he was so angry because he had to actually download the emoji to see it and it took him so long and then he was like, “REALLY, ERIN? ALL THAT FOR THIS?!”
    • Looks like Erin wins again!

  • I had breakfast at Pamela’s with Jeannie, Wendy and Summer on Saturday. Wendy made us go to a different Pamela’s, one that was more convenient for her, god forbid, and I was so mad because there was construction and I had to go some weird way IN THE RAIN and I got all stressed out! And then on top of that, Wendy made fun of me because I apparently made a really excited face as I was showing Jeannie the picture of me with Carly Rae Jepsen! UGH! But I had a good banana walnut pancake and Summer is always nice to look at (but not hold, because I haven’t completely lost my mind).
    • I was going to pay for Wendy’s breakfast as a belated birthday thing but then she got the wrong order and the waitress took it off the bill so happy birthday, Wendy! I did that for you!  You’re welcome.

MEOWSEUM.

  • GAME HAS STARTED. I FEEL SICK.CHOOCH WON’T STOP TALKING AND I’M LIKE “SON I MOSTLY LOVE YOU BUT GOOD GODDAMN SHUT YOUR FACE FOR A MINUTE.”
  • Has anyone nicknamed Tampa’s goalie “Vagisilevski” yet?  This series has made me feel very disoriented. Nothing feels familiar. And Henry has already gone to bed?!?! It’s not even 8:30!
  • WE ARE LOSING. I HONESTLY RIPPED OUT A CHUNK OF HAIR.
  • We had cake at work and I didn’t eat any because diet but right about now I’d like to fucking suffocate myself in it.
  • NO FUCKING GOAL!!!!!!!!!! OFFSIDE!!!!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!!!

  • Bought a bunch of new plants over the weekend and apparently the cats smoked crack yesterday and went on a fucking spree. Let’s just say it’s a good thing Henry came home before me and cleaned up the carnage because from what I could tell, there was a lot of plant guts and broken glass. For Henry to say, “It was bad, real bad” then you know it was spectacularly horrendous because homie don’t exaggerate.  So by the time I came home, I was ready to unadopt those little assholes. And you know what they did the rest of the night? SLEPT ON THE COUCH BECAUSE THEY WERE SOOOO EXHAUSTED.
    • I blame Henry for this because he hasn’t built me a myriad of shelves like I keep asking for and he also has ignored every hanging planter DIY I’ve sent him.
  • I’m going to have to give myself a pixie cut to even out my hair after hockey is done for the year.
  • Also, I feel like I need to eat something. A stick of butter maybe.

  • I found a stack of old photos in my Pappap’s desk, including several featuring y birth dad. This was a pretty big deal for me because I have very few photos of him and the ones I d have, his face is barely visible, almost like it was on purpose. LIKE MAYBE HE WAS A VAMPIRE. I can’t believe I have never considered this theory before. Anyway, I found this great photo of him and me at the circus and this image of me surrounded by so many clowns envelopes me in fuzzy wings made of joy and a slight echo of maniacal laughter. Man, I have just always loved those fucking painted-faced derelicts.
  • Oh great, Geno got a fucking penalty. Time to hold my nose and dunk my head in water for 2 minutes.
  • We’re leaving for Michigan after work on Friday and I am so fucking ready. (I mean, I still have to pack.) I’m beyond stoked for Bled Fest but also just as stoked for the next day when we get to hang out with our pals Bill and Jessi! We haven’t seen them since our poorly-planned road trip two summers ago so we are way past due for some quality friend-o time.
  • 5-on-3 for a 1:19 — come on Pens! OMG my stomach. My bowels are going to start leaking. I can’t stand this stress.
  • KESSEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • OK. 1-0 Pens. End of 1st period. This is good. I’m OK. I’m breathing.

  • The original bae, Robert Smith. I GET TO SEE HIM AGAIN NEXT MONTH, LORD HELP ME. It’s hilarious to me that I drained my savings to go to Australia to see them play on what Robert claimed was their “last tour” ever. And yet I’ve seen them four, soon to be five, times since then. Still, I’m glad that happened! Easily the greatest moment of my life. I mean, um, after having Chooch. I guess.
    • Can I just say that it’s a tie?

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  • ^^^What I’m going to look like if the Penguins lose this goddamn game.
  • Well, Chooch and I wanted to share an apple but we couldn’t find the apple corer and neither of us are allowed to use big knives so we tried to bully Henry into waking up and coming downstairs to cut the apple but then thank god I found the apple corer because it was starting to look grim for us, and I didn’t want to resort to Plan X, which was take the apple upstairs to Henry with a knife and then stab him with the knife.
    • Basically what I’m saying is that this night could have taken a much different, dark, dastardly turn instead of us sitting here eating an apple harmoniously.
      • Goddamn, this apple is a stunner. I just made Chooch go find out what brand it is and he has reported back that it’s a Gala. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.
  • There were some outlander broads on our floor last Friday. I guess Glenn knew one of them from another job he had so she stopped to chat with him (I know, I was surprised too); meanwhile the other broad was like, “Wow…” in kind of a disgusted tone, and I noticed she was looking at my adorable Fiji mermaid. “Yeah, welcome to the freak show,” Glenn mumbled but I think he was secretly smug, like, “yeah, that’s right, I get to sit behind the most interesting work space in this joint.” A few seconds after they left, I stood up, turned around, and cried, “WHO WAS THAT?” because randos don’t come on our floor very often and I was intrigued that Glenn knew these ones. Todd made some comment about how he didn’t realize I was at my desk for that, since I hadn’t chimed in with any retaliations to Glenn’s snide remarks. “I had jellybeans in my mouth,” I said with a shrug. #missedopportunity
    • Amber2 said that the one broad was making googly eyes at Glenn while talking to him, AH HA HA HA!!!
  • OH YOU GUYS, PENS SCORED!!! 2-0!!! Not getting my hopes up. I feel dizzy AF.
  • I asked Henry if he will live blog during Bled Fest and he got all incredulous and indignant so that surely means yes.
    • Real talk, though, I hope I don’t get hurt at Bled Fest.
  • Things with my mom are going well, thanks for asking!!
  • Today I decided that if I do less work, I’ll probably make less mistakes, right? I sucked all-around today.
  • Pens are on the power play now! I need my boo Malkin to score.
  • HEY HAVE YOU SEEN “THE WITCH”? We watched it over the weekend and damn was I disappointed. Really boring and not even all that visually stimulating, plus I could barely understand most of the dialogue, stupid fucking Puritans. Super glad I ended up not wasting money on it at the theater! (#tightwad) Henry and I both mumbled, “That was dumb” at the same time and he and I rarely have the same movie reviews because he generally doesn’t like anything anyway unless it was made by the Wayans brothers or has “Bourne” in the title. OR IS PORNOGRAPHY. But that’s a given. Duh. Doi.
    • Speaking of pornography, in my dream last night, we were having a threesome with Frankenstein. I told Henry about it today and he made a disgusted face at me but I think he’d be into it.
  • This period is almost over and then I am going to exercise. Don’t worry. I’ll be back.
  • SID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3-0!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    • LOL at the person who yelled “CROSBY SUCKS” as he walked down the runway. I bet that really shook him to the core.
  • K I’M BACK. I woke Henry up and berated him briefly because he apparently can’t take me to work tomorrow and you know what that means – trolley time. :(
  • FUCK Tampon scored. :( 3-1. IT’S OK KESSEL. NOBODY’S PERFECT. OMG stop with the Closeup of Shame, NBC.
    • Man, the momentum has shifted for sure and I do not like it. Pens need to get another goal and fast.
    • MAYBE I SHOULD TURN OFF THE TV.
  • Hate me if you need to, but am I the only one who found that Chewbacca Mask bitch annoying as fuck? I didn’t even realize it was such a big deal at first and literally thought it was just one of my friend sharing a video of someone they actually knew, so I watched it before I realized there was hype around it and I was just like, “_______” Henry walked in and said, “What are you watching?” because I apparently looked irritated, and I just said, “I don’t know. Some really stupid video.” I mean, props to her for getting her 15 minutes and I swear I’m not a hater, but….man. Standards just get lower and lower.
  • MY GENO BEST NOT BE HURT.

  • “Call It Lust” by Dora Maar was my jammmmm back in 2005, but I lost the mp3 I had of it years ago. Then a few months ago, someone put it up on YouTube and I honestly fell to my knees and rejoiced. You can ask Henry (412-605-2143). He had to sit here and watch me freak out and scream, “ONE MORE TIME!!!!” every time it ended. I have a very obsessive personality.
    • AND I HATE YOUR BREATHING.
    • I was friends with these guys on LiveJournal but lost touch. I would give anything to hear them play this song live. Like, in my Pappap’s gameroom.
  • Oh for Christ’s sake, this game is wrecking my stomach.
    • I hate all of the Lightning players’ names.
    • “Back-up goalie Marc-Andre Fleury” — still sounds so weird.
    • OH GREAT, 3-2. SHOULD I JUST GO TO BED.
    • Don’t worry, my hair is now in a bun so I can’t shred it any further. I might call Chooch downstairs so I can start pulling his hair out though. That’s what kids are for.
  • Henry eats pretzels with every meal. And sometimes pretzels are his meal.
  • YESSSSSS FUCKING RUST!!!!!!!!! 4-2!!!!!!!!! 2 MINUTES LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY FUCKING GOD. HEAVY FUCKING BREATHING. ALMOST LIKE FRANKENSTEIN IS HERE.
  • BONINO!!! EMPTY NET!!! 5-2!!! THANK THE MOTHERFUCKING LORD CHRIST OUR HEAVENLY HOCKEY GOD!!!!!
  • Wow, how can I sleep after this. #THATSWHATFRANKENSTEINSAID
  • Yay! Game over. Now I can start stressing about Game 7.

Gotta go. Frankenstein’s on the other line.

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May 232016
 

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Every morning, we woke up early and were on our way out the door by 8am, which might seem like a horror movie to some people, but we’re very go-go-go when vacationing, and if an amusement park opens at 9, then best believe we’re gonna be there at 8:45. I was fucking stoked every morning and sure, I was still a mega-bitch until Henry slammed a coffee into my palm, but I’m happy to report that we mostly got along all day, every day.

Except for me and Chooch.

We bicker a lot.

That’s what happens when you’re basically THE SAME PERSON. It’s pretty scary. Imagine being Henry.

Chooch and I started fighting Thursday morning right after we pulled out of the resort’s parking lot because “When Doves Cry” came on the radio and he piped up from the backseat, “I don’t like this song.”

I wanted to throw him out onto the highway but Henry said we couldn’t do that just because he didn’t like a song I like and I’m sorry, but since when?

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Inside the park, Henry got his map on. He loves pointing the way. Fucking directional nerd.

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We spent a good portion of the morning in Springfield, soaking up the Groening vibes. I haven’t actually watched The Simpsons in a super long time for no real reason other than I really just don’t watch much TV I guess, but if you know me IRL, you might know that I have been playing Simpson Tapped Out on my phone for THREE YEARS now. I have never played a game that long! I have no attention span for games! But this one is such a stress reliever for me that I literally cannot quit playing it.

The other day, I was outside on my break and Henry was calling me. I declined his call twice and then when I called him back, I started out with, “Sorry, something terrible happened.” He of course was all, “OMG WHAT?!” and I cried, “I just got an update on Simpsons and it said this is the last level!!! They’re not going to have any new levels!!!”

“That’s fucked up,” Henry said.

“I know!” I whined.

“No, I mean it’s fucked up that you’re still playing that game,” he sighed.

Hey, I have money invested in this game! I like to treat myself by buying donuts on days when I’m feeling particularly down. (Donuts can be used to buy premium shit in the game!!)

Speaking of donuts! Treated myself to a Lard Lad. I feel like it’s obligatory, you know? How are you going to walk through Springfield and not glut yourself on a pink frosted, am I right or am I right?!

Of course, I only took two bites and then gave the rest to Henry because that’s all I can usually stomach when it comes to donuts. (Unless it’s sugar or glazed, then gimme a dozen and back away slowly.)

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Then Chooch and I went on the Twirl n Hurl alone because Henry’s stomach is too elderly to handle such extreme spins through the air. Universal has a pretty staunch NO SELFIE policy on the rides which is completely understandable but am I under arrest for taking a picture of Henry standing alone?

Too bad, so sad, Henry has no friends.

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I loved this ride so much, but not as much as One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish in Seuss Landing, which SQUIRTS WATER AT YOU. Chooch and I rode it twice while Henry sat on a bench with other parents, staring at his phone and pointedly ignoring us every time we screamed, “HENRY!! LOOK AT US!! HENRY!!” That’s cool. Ignore our bliss. We don’t need your acknowledgement.

At some point, we were on our way to finally ride the Revenge of the Mummy for the first time when we were sidetracked by some pop-up show full of acrobatics and a super hot man-bunned boy named JOEY.

I imprinted on him almost immediately and while I’m sure the other boys were wonderfully spry, I couldn’t take my eyes off of JOEY and I only applauded for JOEY.

Ugh, he reminded me of Scott Speedman, Felicity-era.

Ugh, why can’t Henry look that good in a man bun?

Ugh, why can’t Henry be Scott Speedman?

UGH, THANKS A LOT, HENRY.

Henry bought these shorts for Chooch right before we left for Florida and of course I wasn’t there so wow, I was surprised when Chooch put these on that day. Like, what even is the point? These are basically just billowy pants.

Not shorts.

Henry is so dumb.

More importantly though, this Mummy ride was the absolute shit. And the wait time was non-existent! AND THERE WAS REAL LIFE FIRE INSIDE! Super thrilling, my review is raving. This ride was excelsior!

For lunch on Day 2, we at the Monster Café! I was so excited about this even though it was literally just a standard Universal cafeteria, but the décor was enough to lure me in! We sat in the Crypt area and ate pizza and shared a gigantic cupcake. All was well, all was right.

It’s all about making sure I’m fed at an appropriate hour. This is how you will make or break the day.

Back in the kiddieland portion of Universal, Chooch and I discovered yet another coaster to rival the Wacky Worm’s claim on my heart: Woody Woodpecker’s Nuthouse Coaster! I asked Henry to take a picture of Chooch and me enjoying life but no, he couldn’t even do that much because that might have meant he actually cared about our happiness!

Also because then people would have known we belonged to him, god forbid.

Had to go back to Seuss Landing later that day too because it’s the best! There’s an interactive called If I Ran the Zoo where Chooch and I got to twist knobs and crank levers to make things pop out of the ground and I almost stuck in a slide and burnt my knees crawling through a tunnel and it was just the best fucking place ever!

SEUSS LANDING IS THE PLACE FOR ME.

I don’t even know who this, and there was an Australian family next to us who also didn’t know who he was and still didn’t know even after Henry told them but they got in line anyway. I was obsessed with that family, btw. THE PARENTS WERE SO COOL and I feel like the dad was 100% probably maybe more than likely in a band, and definitely a band I would like.

For the first time ever, Henry and Chooch rode something while I sat on a bench and waited. I thought Doctor Doom’s Fear Fall was one of those stupid free fall rides that I just can’t handle because I get so goddamn scared that it will honestly ruin the rest of my day. So I sat down and then this huge group infiltrated my area and I felt like such a loser, sitting there sadly by myself, pretending to be super interested in whatever was on my phone, while this huge group was laughing and having so much fun, waiting for the rest of their peeps to join them, and when they finally left, I was partially relieved because I was really feeling like a voyeur there for a hot minute, but then I also felt sad that they had left without taking me with them.

And I was back to sitting there alone and silent, waiting for Henry and Chooch to come back from riding something that only had a 15 minute wait time.

After 30 minutes had passed, I really started to panic. I mean, I get nervous anytime I’m waiting for something or someone, but I was really starting to take this to the extreme because I was holding all of their stuff which included Henry’s phone, so I couldn’t send any irate, nagging texts demanding to know his whereabouts like I normally would because I’m a controlling man.

“Where’s the exit for this ride?” I asked some broad sitting nearby, thinking that maybe the exit was on the other side and that perhaps they stopped to play some games or ride something else that was in the general proximity, but she pointed to the gift shop that was literally right in front of us.

I gulped and said, “Oh. I think I was ditched.”

And she laughed, probably thinking I was being cute, but really my mind was spinning and my ears were starting to ring because holy shit, Panic Town here I come.

I got up and went inside the gift shop to see if they were in there, because there were some arcade games so I thought, maybe, just maybe, Chooch strong-armed Henry into letting him play some shit and they lost track of time.

YEAH, THAT’S IT.

LOST TRACK OF TIME.

Except that I knew deep down the truth was that Henry met some old hag who looked like she would be more capable in the housework department and so he decided to leave me and Chooch was like, “Will this bitch bake cookies and actually take care of me? OK cool, I’m in.”

My heart was beating so fast that I was starting to see stars. I went back outside. I paced back and forth. I spun in circles looking for the nearest Lost Erin station. Looking for a cop. Looking for a new family to adopt me. The lady who laughed at me had reunited with her people; they were walking off into the horizon, holding hands, ready for their next adventure.

And I was still alone. ABANDONED.

It was the worst moment of our entire vacation.

How would I get home!? Never mind that I had the car keys and a cell phone and the credit cards.

I DIDN’T HAVE HENRY TO DO ALL OF THE THINGS FOR ME.

I guess I was just going to have to live inside of Universal Studios.

I was going to live inside of Universal Studios!

Just when I was starting to like where this was going, those two assholes emerged from the gift shop/ride exit and I remembered how scared I was, which immediately turned into ANGER. Their lame excuse was that the wait time ended up being “way longer” and that they had actually just been standing in line that whole time while I was slowly melting into a pool of pity out there on the pavement.

I started screaming about how worried I was and Henry just scoffed and said, “Now you know how I feel when you two wander off.”

OH OK LIKE HE ACTUALLY GETS SCARED, SURE.

Hey guess what, we fought on this ride because he purposely flung himself into my and made me bang my arm or something, I can’t remember now but I know there was pain involved and he was so smug about it.

Chooch just glanced at this picture and asked dryly, “Oh, is that the ride you almost ‘died’ on?”

UGH FUCK OFF!!

I think my new life goal is to become super famous somehow and have Universal build an entire section in my honor, where you can literally take a ride through my stupid life which I guess by then won’t be so stupid if I’m that famous that Universal made a whole area for me. Maybe one of the rides can be a boat ride through various music festivals and the water will actually be my tears. And the vessels will be logs in the shape of Henry lying on his back.

A 4D multi-sensory darkride called BROOKLINE BOUND, where you are latched onto the coattails of Purple Pants as she pulls you through the bowels of Brookline; you will fight off hipsters for Las Palmas tacos, dodge errantly-strewn syringes, and cruise through a concert of Yinzers screaming about the Steelers.

Maybe a roller coaster called GET ERIN TO THE ALTAR? And don’t forget to snatch the engagement ring on the motherfucking carousel which is going to be full of Henry-headed horses and soundtracked with music box versions of Pierce the Veil and Emarosa songs.

And the food will be grilled cheese and more grilled cheese and 12 different ice cream shops with all the weird flavors! LAVENDER EVERYWHERE.

Oh man, I’m getting so excited for the grand opening of my future amusement park! It’ll probably just be called GET STOKED.

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May 222016
 

Chooch’s chorus concert was Thursday evening so we had to endure a few hours in a cafeteria with the cream of the crop of Yinzer ‘rents. Sorry Chooch, but that’s got the concert beat in entertainment value. I only go for the cookies though which we’re not allowed to eat until AFTER I guess so the dumb kids can have some too but who are the real MVPs of the night? The parents, that’s who. Or our ear drums if you want to focus on the specifics. 

There was also a Hot Naybor Chris (#HNC for those in the know, and if you’re in the know, then I’m sorry haha) sighting so I spent most of the excruciating band portion of the evening trying to take a picture of him. 

I really dislike the band instructor, by the way. He loves to hear the sound of his voice so he makes sure to pause after every excruciating “song” to regale us with an equally excruciating story. Then he had everyone sing the ABCs, Twinkle Twinkle, and Bas Baa Black Sheep to illustrate that each one uses the same melody and I refused to sing out of principle so Henry really sang with much exaggeration just to irritate me. 

It worked. 

The chorus is at least mostly ok. They sang Beauty & the Beast (Chooch was actually super into the show we saw at Holkywood Studios last month for this reason) and some lame Grease song, which Chooch got to announce and thank he didn’t fuck it up! The girl who announced Beauty and the Beast basically read the entire book to us up there from the podium and it’s like, come on. If anyone there didn’t know the premise to Beauty & the Beast, they’ve probably lived in a sewer for the last 40 years and have emerged on that special night just to mass murder us anyway so what does all this matter, just sing the fucking song and get it over with so we can either be murdered or eat cookies. 

Spoiler: we all survived and got to eat some fucking cookies. And Chooch managed to not fuck up his Grease solo. 

Afterward, we roamed around, harshly critiquing the student art on display, when Chooch casually pointed at some black-haired girl in a red flannel and said, “That’s the girl who told me I probably don’t even know who Pierce the Veil is.”

RECORD SCRATCH. 

This happened last year and I was way more pissed about it than Chooch was because Chooch has enough confidence in himself to not give a shit when his interests are questions.

But ERK, on the other hand? ERK can’t let shit go. 

“Let’s follow her and make passive-aggressive statements about our scene knowledge while being mildly disparaging,” I suggested. Chooch was just like, “Probably not a good idea, but sure.”

She disappeared down a stairwell with one of her equally-as-basic friends and Henry was like, “Guys what’s going on?” while blindly following us. 

I was so fired up. I planned on saying things like, “WOW I CANT WAIT UNTIL WE GO TO THAT SOLD OUT PTV SHOW NEXT MONTH IN CLEVELAND BECAUSE WE’RE LONG-TIME FANS AND GOT OUR TICKETS THE SECOND THEY WENT ON SALE. HEY REMEMBER WHEN YOUR FIRST CONCERT WAS PTV WHEN YOU WERE 6? WARPED TOUR. BLED FEST. WHADDUP.”

Seriously, don’t fuck with my kid and his knowledge of music because he will fucking school you all the way back to Hot Topic, you basic bitch. 

Meanwhile, Henry was still struggling to understand what was going on so Chooch snapped, “Mommy wants to harass that girl, ok? God!” And Henry was all, “What girl???” And then when he realized what was happening, he was like, “No. Time to take the kids home.” And then I got lectured the whole way home about how it’s illegal for a 36-year-old to bully a 13-year-old or something, I wasn’t listening. 

Whatever. I think she was already gone anyway. Dumb bitch. 


P.S. this wasn’t the concert that he had all those Saturday rehearsals for. That one was actually going to be a good, legit production, but the day Chooch was supposed to leave school and go downtown for an all-day dress rehearsal was the same day the guidance counselor poached him and made him make up the one day of PSSAs he missed on account of his shitty parents taking him to Disney World, so because of that, Chooch was unable to perform at the big show and believe me, I’m sure I will never hear the end of it. 

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May 212016
 

Tomorrow, we’re taking my mannequin Trudy to The House so she can model some hot 80s sweaters which will be listed sometime soon on Depop, Instagram, eBay….here. There. Everywhere. Trying to save up some money for some repairs that the house needs. 

Fine, Chooch. You can model some more too. God. 


Guys, it’s a fucking pizza sweater dress. If I didn’t have the physique of a linebacker, this would be all up on me right now. But my broad ass and thick waist butcher this couture. So it’s up for grabs! 

If you’re into super in-your-face, totally rad oversized sweaters (most with removable shoulder pads—keep them in, I won’t judge), stay tuned. 

(Ok fine I’m keeping that cat sweater up there for myself…probably.)

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May 202016
 

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Don’t worry – we got butter beer on our first day at Universal. I’m not a n00b. It was exactly how I imagined it would be: butterscotch-y, creamy, a motherfucking delightful river of magic coursing down my gullet. It was so sweet that I had to share it with Henry, though.

Ugh, sharing.

At first, Henry was like, “IT’S BASICALLY JUST CREAM SODA, BIG DEAL.” Because he’s the Beverage Overlord, he thinks he can make these types of radical declarations amongst rabid Harry Potter fans. I was like, “OK Papa H, slow your roll. You’re about to get us flogged by all these newly-purchased Ollivander’s wands.”

Like, way to sour a magical moment, you know?! My first butter beer and Henry is trying to write it off as some basic A&W bullshit.

But this post is not about me and the way each sip of butter beer danced the Swan Lake upon my palate.

It’s about how not even an old miser like Henry could escape the pure joy and whimsy of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. The butter beer alone made me him SMILE IN THE SHADOWS!

And by the second day, he was sneaking off to buy his own butter beer.


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He wasn’t interested in sampling my fishy green ale. (Which was amazing, btw. Not as great as butter beer, but really fun because it had exploding blueberry fish eggs at the bottom and I love those damn things. Shout out to my homies at the Asian froyo establishments.)

The way he drank it was slow and methodical; he was totally savoring every last drop while probably imagining himself going head to head with DRACO MALFOY (I was going to say Voldemort but I think Henry knows that’s out of his wheelhouse even as far as imagination goes.)

Henry + frozen butter beer = ❤️

A video posted by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin) on

I tried so hard (so hard!!) to get him to let loose a little and rock a butter beer froth-stache but he refused and then walked away and stood alone when I tried to smash his cup against his mouth. Ugh. LIVE A LITTLE, HENRY.

And on the third day, we visited Florean Flortescue’s Ice Cream Parlour, and guess what Henry ordered? BUTTER BEER SOFT SERVE, YOU GUYS.

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If you look really close at Henry’s face (I know, it hurts my eyes too*), you might denote that his lips are struggling to remain down-turned in that omnipresent frown of his.

*(JOKING, HENRY!)

(Gotta stay on his good side. He’s been showering me with music festivals lately and vague promises of Romania lately.)

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We popped into the Hogs Head so I could get a butter beer in a souvenir glass (which I will honestly probably use as a succulent planter, no fucks given). I ordered a frozen one from the bar maid.

“Will that be all?” she asked, and I started to say yes, but then Henry cut me off and said, “And one regular butter beer.”

OH SHIT SON, someone’s caught feelings.

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I just asked Henry for a review of butter beer in his own words and his reply was a very Henry-esque: “Butter beer good.” I’m sure he had a lot more to say in his butter beer porn script.

“And as the frothy butter beer sluiced down Hagrid’s bare navel…”

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What about Chooch? He had one sip and shrugged, mirroring my face when I try actual beer and remember that I don’t like 97% of the beer that ekes past my lips. Chooch only likes milk and lemonade. He’s a fucking weirdo.

If Henry starts bringing home pallets of Faygo cream soda and bags of those yellow-wrapped butterscotches that me and old people love so much, we’ll know why:  BUTTERBEER KNOCK-OFF. Maybe he’ll start competing with the asshole kids in the neighborhood who sell watered-down lemonade in the summer. Maybe he can call it…Hank’s Margarine Ale. Or nah?

Nah.

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May 192016
 

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Gotta hand it to Universal — put two amazing amusement parks right the fuck next to each and basically dare a bitch to only pay for entrance to one. HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DECIDE?! How they really get you is that the Harry Potter attractions are actually split up between the two, and you can’t ride the Hogwarts Express unless you get the park-to-park option.

WELL PLAYED, UNIVERSAL.

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Since it wasn’t Chooch’s birthday anymore, we were back on our normal Whatever Erin Wants schedule, so as soon as we rushed through the gates of Universal, I declared that we had to find Harry Potter World ASAP because I figured it was going to be insanely crowded and we needed to GET THERE.

“OK, but this Shrek thing only has a 5 minute wait and it’s right here, so why don’t we do that first?” Henry suggested and Chooch, forgetting that it wasn’t his birthday anymore, jumped on this and ran inside the Shrek building.

So we ended up sitting through some Shrek 4D theater experience thing and OK it was pretty cool, god, whatever. But it was taking away Harry Potter time and I was in A HURRY. Have you seen me when I’m in a hurry? It’s not pretty. Or relaxing.

Universal has a great app that will give you step-by-step directions to every attraction, so I utilized that much to Henry’s chagrin — he can’t handle anyone else being in charge of directions.

The app dropped us off right smack in the middle of London. I got really excited for a second because there was a record store but it turned out to just be a facade. That made me think about all the Harry Potter characters and what kind of music they would have listened to (thoughts?!), which would have been prevalent if I had written those books (thank god I didn’t).

I bet for sure Snape would have done some heavy Joy Division spinning.

We slipped between some cracks in a brick wall RIGHT INTO DIAGON ALLEY.

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And that’s when I started crying. It just hit me so hard, the sounds of the people and the majestic music and the whimsical* storefronts – so many stimuli! It was like we weren’t even in an amusement park anymore because it was so sequestered from the rest of the park, literally tucked away, and everything had changed right down to the ground we were walking on. This was by far the most crowded section of Universal, but the happiness of being there overruled any type of social anxiety or misanthropic tendencies that might normally arise among crowds.

*IDGAF if you hate that word. It was 100% applicable to this place.

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Before stopping for a butter beer or any other obligatory nonsense, I needed to get to Gringotts. The wait time was only 15 minutes!

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Some witch at the entrance told me she liked my Cure shirt and I shouted “THANKS!!!” like she had just given me a life-saving organ.

(This just made me picture an actual organ, the instrument kind, dressed up as a life guard at the beach, saving people from Jaws.)

(I don’t get enough sleep.)

Everyone at Universal is so motherfucking nice and instead of making me want to vomit, it enlarged my heart! MY HEART WAS REALLY FAT AND BLOATED AT UNIVERSAL. It’s back to being black and dessicated now that I’m back in Pittsburgh, but it was nice while it lasted.

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We pretty much just breezed through the entire queue because the line never really stopped moving. Each part of it was literally like being inside Gringotts though. Universal makes waiting in line so much less painful than most parks. There’s always something going on, something to look at, something that you didn’t see the last time you were in line. I mean, I imagine that if I had been there on a super busy day in July when the line spilled out of Gringotts and into Diagon Alley, my tune would be a lot different.

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I honestly just typed and deleted about 87 different sentences in a futile attempt to illustrate with words how motherfucking boss the Escape from Gringotts is. I’ve been on rides before that share the same premise, the whole $D extra-sensory experience, but this is some next level shit. I was at first concerned that it wasn’t going to be a true “ride” but more of one of those moving theater type gigs, and thank god that wasn’t the case. It had all the best elements of a dark ride, a coaster, and the 4D theatrics and special effects, all perfectly packaged with JK Rowling’s stamp of approval.

It was a game changer. How can I ride anything else now?  The trolley needs to step up its game or I’m probably going to have to quit my job.

This ride was so good that everyone applauded when the ride ended.

Even Henry.

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Since we had the park-to-park option, we were able to take the Hogwart’s Express to Hogsmeade, which is located in Islands of Adventure. The whole experience was literally like we actually in a train station and I was so fucking giddy.

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Behind that smirk is a jug of chuckles with the cork ready to pop off.

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ALL KINDS OF SHIT HAPPENS WHILE YOU’RE TRAVELING TO HOGSMEADE. Even Henry was excited.  We sat in a compartment with a super WASPy family and if the kids weren’t called Muffy, Buffy, and Tad, I’d be super shocked, but I didn’t even hate them because HOGWARTS EXPRESS CURES HATE.

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Over in Hogsmeade, there are THREE rides:

The Dragon Challenge, which is a fucking amazing coaster that Henry was too scared to go on, so just Chooch and I went on and the wait time was only 5 minutes! We spent more time power-walking through the super dark, cavernous queue trying to find where the line even started. It was part of the fun, to be honest. There are two coasters to choose from and each is a completely different ride! We rode the blue dragon first. I screamed the whole time and Chooch was so embarrassed. (I’m kind of afraid of coasters lately, OK??? I still ride them though!)

Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey, which was similar in concept to Gringotts but amazing all in of itself. No loose articles are permitted on this ride, but the guy at the entrance said that as long as Chooch’s big-ass motherwhomping refillable Universal cup would fit in Henry’s pocket, we didn’t need to get a locker. So Henry grudgingly shoved it it in his pocket, but then during the ride, he realized that the ride was jerking us around enough that the contents of the cup were sloshing around and spilling onto the guy next to him and now I’m here at work typing this and making strangulated faces as I try to hold back my laughter because every day I wind up laughing alone at my desk and can’t today be the day that I sit here like a basic person!? Henry was so fucking pissed about this.

Like Gringotts, everything about standing in line was glorious and the ride was fucking phenomenal. I actually cried, it was so great. I guess this what some people feel like when they go to church.

Or hold a baby.

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Flight of the Hippogriff, which is a kid coaster. The most exciting part of this ride was when we were standing in line near the front and Chooch dropped his big-ass motherwhomping refillable Universal cup for the 87th time because brother just can’t listen when we say “STOP JUGGLING THE CUP, BROTHER” and so it rolled into the line next to us, where some man snatched it and started screaming, “SIR! SIR! YOU DROPPED YOUR CUP!” to a man who was about to get onto the ride, so then a ride attendant came over and took the cup and was going to give it to Wrong Man while I’m yelling, “NO! IT’S NOT HIS CUP!” and then some broad next to us, an EYE WITNESS, also started frantically screaming, “THAT’S NOT HIS CUP!!!” way louder than I was and people were really starting to pay attention now because WHAT IS TO BECOME OF THIS DUMB BOY’S UNIVERSAL BEVERAGE RECEPTABLE!?

When the ride attendant tried to hand it to Wrong Man, Wrong Man was like, “Bitch, why you tryna give me some jerk kid’s germs?” and that’s when Ride Attendant’s ears were finally opened to our anguished cries and so he returned it to Chooch, and Henry quickly snatched it right off him and gave him that “LOOK WHAT YOU CAUSED” glare that I grew up looking at from basically everyone in my family except for my Pappap because my Pappap was the greatest man in the world.

Anyway, we all got a good hyuk out of that one and then went about our business of standing in line.

The second highlight was when Henry had to ride with a TEENAGE GIRL and Chooch and I were cooing the entire time about how Henry was on a date with some underaged bitch and it was hilarious to no one but us, and certainly not Henry.

That ride was kind of just OK though. Henry was pissed because the wait was 30 minutes, hahaha.

Before we left the park that day, we swung by Honeydukes so Chooch would finally stop crying about how we’re shitty parents for not buying him a chocolate frog to eat in the 95 degree heat. I bought Exploding Bon-Bons and pumpkin juice and now I wish I could go back and buy everything else, too.

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LE SIGH. Writing this is depressing.

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May 172016
 

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I come home from work, eat dinner, and go over my Pappap’s house. This is my current normal and I’m not complaining.

My mom was polishing one of the porch light, this wrought iron lantern thing, and I said, “Wow, I never noticed that there’s a dragon on this.”

“There’s lots of things about this house I’ve never noticed before,” my mom said. It’s crazy, all the time spent in that house, how many tiny details slipped away unnoticed. Like the above face on the frame of the dining room mirror!

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Never-ending Story vibes.

“I never realized what gothic tastes they had,” my mom said the other day about my Pappap and Grandma. Their interior design aesthetic was definitely niche, that’s for sure.

But again, I grew up around it and it never seemed unusual. So much time has passed since the days when I used to visit regularly that it’s like seeing the house with brand new eyes.

Like a tourist.

Like it’s not a home anymore and I’m just visiting.

Not sure how that makes me feel.

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We focused on the various game rooms on Sunday, and I stumbled across this owl in the bathroom that I completely forgot about but the sight of it was so familiar and entirely welcomed. My mom told me to take it but I didn’t.

You never know.

Henry fiddled with one of the jukeboxes and thinks it should be an easy fix….for a professional. Yes, Henry actually admitted that he couldn’t fix something himself!

My mom attempted to teach Chooch how to play pool. Better her than me. I gave up after 6 seconds of him thinking that he knew it all.

He gets that from Henry.

The relics at the bar are so much fun to look at. It brings back memories of sneaking in during high school and drinking root beer Schnapps. Corey told me that he used to do the same thing, but he would break in through one of the game room windows. I was like “Why wouldn’t you just use the hidden key above the garage door and break in like a civilized burglar?”

So many steins up in this house.

HOTTER THAN HELL.

There are so many lessons that I’ve been taking away from this sitch, like learning that it’s OK to ask for help and some people will definitely not be there when you need it and that’s OK because there are plenty of dicks in this world for them to go suck. It’s also made me appreciate Henry even more for sticking by me, helping with all the dirty work, and having my back constantly. (Except when he’s playing Devil’s Advocate, which is like THE WORST and hello STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR PEOPLE, you know? Tell him that.)

I can’t tell you how many shows I’ve skipped out on, but the progress we’ve been making has been completely worth it. TEAM WORK.

One more thing: where all my plumber/super fucking rich investor friends at? LOL.

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May 162016
 


Bled Fest is two weeks away! Our tickets arrived on Saturday and I shrieked accordingly, probably the same way Henry shrieks when he pulls out a successful load….

 …0f laundry. 

In lieu of buying the tickets directly from Fusion Shows, I snagged them from John of Amateur Eyes, one of the bands playing Bled Fest. 

I think Henry was secretly hoping John would ‘Jonny Craig’ us out of the tickets. And by that I do of course mean SCAM. 

But nope! The transaction had a happy ending. 

I did buy Chooch’s ticket directly through Fusion Shows though because we got him a VIP pass so he could have drinks and snacks all day long, God forbid. 

Henry is going to hate this day soooooo much. Oh god, maybe he should live blog it?! COMMENT IF YOU WANT THAT!!


I’m really excited to add Bled Fest to The Painting! And to absorb all the good vibes and therapeutic noise all day long. GIMME. 

And also to see Amateur Eyes! 

This blog post was brought to you by a strong desperation to take my eyes off this fucking hockey game. 

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