Sep 212018
 

It’s been a while since I did a good, wholesome work update so here I am to regale your day with two Law Firm stories.

  1. Bob Ross the Processor, or Bob (p)Ross(essor)

Remember sometime last winter or spring when Amber decided that we needed a pet for our group and she bought us a Bob Ross chia pet and then somehow it became my responsible to grow him except that I had no means of measuring water or seeds and I had three different people telling me what to do so that the end result was a terra cotta head with fur on it and by fur I do mean mold? Yeah, that’s what happened to Bob. And he just sat on a windowsill for months behind Cathy, and we all made jokes about how we hoped he wasn’t going to  make us sick with his poison coif. Then, a few weeks ago, my mom bought Chooch a chia pet that’s a zombie arm protruding from the earth, and I was stunned to see that it sprouted hearty green growths in the span of one weekend. I noted that the packet of chia seeds wasn’t empty so I asked Henry if he would perform surgery if I brought Bob home and he mumbled something about how he doesn’t know why I even bother asking him when I’m just going to make him do it anyway and that is how Bob Ross ended up on my back porch for a week, being reborn.

Also!? Henry fucked up and didn’t slather the seeds on all the way so Bob ended up having a bald spot on the back of his head. I was worried about this because I felt like my co-workers would use this as a way of still holding the Failure of Bob Ross against me. We didn’t have any seeds yet, but we DID have regular chia seeds, the kinds that you sprinkle on yogurt or whatever for health benefits, so he used some of that AND IT WORKED? I guess I don’t know why I didn’t think it would work, like maybe the Chia Pet chia seeds are special, but yeah, you guys, if you have some type of terra cotta object and a bag of chia seeds for your fucking smoothie, you can make a chia whatever-your-object-is.

Of course, this brought up the terrifying question of, “OMG DOES IT DO THAT IN MY STOMACH!?” But Henry said no.

So now, Bob with the Good Hair is back in our office and everyone is super excited about it.

Yesterday though, we had a fleet of Suits walk through the department and Lauren said one of them lingered long enough to say, “huh. Interesting.” She was too nervous to turn around to see what was happening but she knew it had to be something of mine because I have my international candy shop on the counter behind her desk and a collection of religious Glenns. But Todd and Glenn were watching and said he was looking at Bob. When I saw Lauren later that day she said she was about to be super pissed if she got in trouble for something behind her when it’s all my stuff lolol and that reminded me of the time I decorated people’s offices for Halloween and Patrick got in trouble from Facilities because I used erasable markers to write on his glass wall but NEWS FLASH that shit doesn’t come off frosted glass. Just in case you were ever wondering. Now there’s an office on our floor that had the alphabet written on the glass door a la Stranger Things forever.

2. Amputee Hootenanny

It all started the other day when I misread “Automation Anywhere” as “Amputation Anywhere.” At first it made my limbs tingle, but then I remembered one of my old sock puppet LiveJournals: “AmputatedLeg.”

Yeah, it was literally just me writing a diary from the POV of an amputated leg named Sam. I couldn’t stop laughing alone at  my desk so I stupidly went over to tell Glenn about it, and his face became the perfect intersection of Amused and Horrified.

“Seek help,” he said as I walked away, doubled over in laughter.

Back at my desk, I decided to look up  that old journal and relive old times, except that it came up as SUSPENDED. What?? Why?! I thought maybe it was because of inactivity but the fake journal I had for Janna (pelvic_exam) is still there and that one was WAY worse.

Luckily, I still have the icon I  made for that Sam’s journal, so that’s a relief.

Today, Glenn asked me if I found my missing leg, because of course went over to cry about the journal suspension when I found out about it. I told him that I didn’t, and Todd was like, “What are you talking about” so I had to explain it to him and he was just like, *blank stare for days*.

“All I remember is that his name was Sam and he was dating a drug addict named Rita,” I sighed.

It was a dark journal.

“Oh OK, so Rita was also an amputated leg?” Todd asked, trying to pretend like he was in a normal conversation.

“No, she was a whole person,” I scoffed, like come on Todd. Le duh.

“Of course she was,” Glenn muttered at his desk.

Todd asked if I could email LiveJournal to get them to lift the suspension, and this just added a new layer to things.

“Well, the thing is, I’m not sure which email address I used to register that journal,” I started slowly.

“So just use all of them until you find the right one,” Todd shrugged.

“Yeah…..” I started slowly. “The thing is, back then, I had like over 100 email addresses.”

Glenn turned around for this one and Todd practically screamed, “What? Why!?”

“Well, remember back when Gmail was a new thing, you had to like, be invited to use it? Someone would have to  give you a code?”

Todd said he remembered that.

“So, it was like a game for me to see how many I could accumulate,” I admitted, and Glenn grumbled, “Of course it was.”

Later on, I was telling Henry this. “Remember when I had all those email addresses?!” I cried giddily.

“Uh, yeah. You didn’t tell them what they were, did you?” he asked, just a hint of trepidation in his tone.

“LOL god no. Remember how I had a whole STD email series?”

Henry just sighed.

I mean, in my defense, I didn’t have a kid yet and I was unemployed. So….

Sep 202018
 

Wow man wow, we’ve been busy over in our sweatshop, updating the line of killer birthday cards. It’s been a long while since I showed them off on here, so let’s give these babies their moment in the sun, shall we?

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The gang’s all here to wish someone a killer birthday! Ed Kemper, Aileen Wuornos, Albert Fish, Ed Gein, and Jeffrey Dahmer all came out to play, donning festive accouterments, to make this card as chillingly cheerful as possible. This card is perfect for all the true crime creeps in your life, innocent friends you love to scare, or an in-law that you really effing hate! I mean, when you care enough to send the very best, am I right?

The inside is blank so you can let your creativity go hog-wild…or keep the creativity hog-tied and just sign your name. Hey, you bought the card. Do what you want!

Comes with an envelope. Fill it with crime-related newspaper clippings!

Here’s what people are saying about it:

I sent this card to my mother-in-law and now she never comes to our house anymore. Thank you, non compos cards!

Kathy Kanooplepoop – Carbuncle, Colorado

Click here to purchase!


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Nothing like sending a shiver down someone’s spine on their birthday, and what better way to do so than with this sinister BTK card, complete with a bound piece of cake?

I mean….um, kake.

Hey, poetic license, OK?

Super great story about BTK: Sometime back in 2000 or 2001, I became obsessed with this guy who was friends with my birth dad and was with him the night he died back in 1983. THIS STORY IS SO GREAT ALREADY RIGHT.

Anyway, dude’s name was Dennis Rader and all I knew was that he moved out of state sometime after my dad’s accident so I got out the trusty WHITE PAGES and called every Dennis Rader in that damn book, looking for the one who knew my dad. I talked to several of them but none turned out to be the right one. However, years later after BTK was caught, I realized he had the same name as my dad’s friend and IT WAS HIM.

No sike my dad wasn’t friends with BTK but the whole point of this story is that maybe one of the Dennis Raders I spoke with that day was BTK.

Can’t wait to tell this story to my future grandchildren and then teach them the definition of “anticlimactic.” (I did eventually meet up with the Dennis Rader who knew my dad and he was pretty creepy too and low key hit on me the whole time so that was great.)

This card comes with an envelope, so you can include a stocking or rope-snipping for that extra punch.

Here’s what people are saying about this card:

I’m a cannibal and wanted my serial killer name to also be BTK for “butter the kids” but this d-bag beat me to the name so now I’m just “that guy down the street who eats people.”  Anyway, I bought this card for my niece because she likes lassoing cake.

Percival Peoplevore – Skintown, Nebraska

Click here to purchase!


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Recently I realized that I didn’t have any Charles Manson birthday cards, and for a regular Etsy card shop, that would probably be a weird realization, but just a normal think tank conclusion over here at non compos cards. I added the happy birthday to the inside of the card, but you can use this for any grand occasion such as: devil’s night, the celebration of a divorce, a Beatles listening party…I don’t know, it’s late and I can’t think of anything else but I trust that my customers are creative treasure chests.

I designed this card while the sweetest Kpop was playing on the TV behind me, such strange juxtaposition.

Anyway, this card comes with an envelope and I just had a flashback to when I was deep in the pen pal scene and we used to call them “envies.” Don’t be jealous of my past.

Click here to purchase!


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Have you ever wondered if serial killers were able to slice a birthday cake or cut up a piece of (non-human) meat without being triggered? Anyway, here’s a delightful Ed Kemper birthday card to wish any of your loved ones a slayful day.

(Funny cake-related story that just came to mind as I’m sitting here writing this before work: when I was a teenager, I hated my stepdad so much. The whole family was going to my grandparents’ house one day for some lame birthday cookout for him and I was in charge of carrying the cake. Like, how dumb was my mom. So my grandparents only lived two houses up from us and the cake wasn’t heavy by any means, but I just had this urge to flip the box off my hands and it landed upside down in the yard, and I dramatically said, “oops.” I got in so much trouble but it was worth it. That smashed cake was the best cake I’ve ever eaten.)

(My stepdad and I get along fine now. I know you were wondering.)

(And he would’ve done the same thing to me if he had the opportunity.)

(Sorry this didn’t have more violence in it.)

(Comes with an envelope.)

Here’s what people are saying about this card:

Every time I look at this card, I think it’s a picture of Dad when he was younger.

My Kid (yes I have a kid, yes I know that’s scary)

Click here to purchase!


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I mean, who wouldn’t want the deliriously smirking face of Aileen Wuornos greeting them on their birthday? Well, aside from johns all over the world. True story: I used to be something of a serial hitchhiker-picker-upper in my younger years because I had some kind of subconscious death wish, I guess. But the ONLY time I was EVER scared and paranoid was when I picked up my first and only woman hitchhiker. It was one of the few times I had a friend with me when engaging in these illicit pre-Uber sessions, so this broad was in the backseat and something about the way she was jangling her keys really made my spine tingle and she really did have a Wuornos-esque vibe to her. Supposedly her car had broken down but I could have been driving her away from a crime scene for all I know – SHE WAS SUPER TWITCHY AND SKETCHY. We kept making eye contact in my rear view mirror and I just now had a chill thinking about it even though it’s been nearly 20 years.

Anyway, here I am, alive to tell the tale and then I started dating Henry a/k/a my shop helper & moral compass shortly after this and he was like, “Did no one seriously ever tell you not to pick up hitchhikers?!” So yeah, moral of the story is “don’t pick up hitchhikers” and if you do, probably not a good idea to pay them for sex either.

(I also used to have house parties and invite in strangers straight off the street; see also my BTK note card listing where I talk about being dropped on my head as a kid.)

Yeah boi, back to the card! It comes with an envelope. Slip in a gift card for a cafe as a shout out to the cup of coffee Aileen requested as her last meal.

Click here to purchase!


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If this card doesn’t just positively EXCRETE enthusiasm, then I guess I need to go back to fifth grade and retake my vocab tests. This card is perfect for any of those true crime aficionados in your life, you know the ones who call in sick to work because they can’t stop watching Forensic Files? We all know someone like that.

This card comes with an envelope, but no ammo.

Here’s what people are saying about this card:

I needed a good card to go with the Satanic talking dog that I got for my nephew’s 3rd birthday. This really complemented that rapid canine well. However, half of my brother’s neighborhood has since been massacred and I’ve been asked to come in to the station for questioning, so.

Morgan Maplebitch – Hell, Michigan

Click here to purchase card, but not talking dog!


And that’s all for now, my freaks & geeks. Soon I’ll be working on revamping some of the older Christmas card designs and I’ll probably have a giveaway for that, so check back!

Sep 182018
 

Wow, what a classic combo. Ice cream and laundry. That was our Sunday, ya’ll! Here are some pictures of us doing those things, taken with my phone and also the “good camera” that I always forget to use because I half-ass everything I do in life. That’s the ERK-way!

I made the poor choice of going to Al’s Cone Zone which would have been fine had I not seen their sign boasting PUMPKIN SPICE SOFT SERVE IS BACK. I wasn’t even feeling particularly pumpkin-y on Sunday, but there I was, standing in front of the order window, hearing myself slow-mo slurring the words, “Pumpkin ice cream cone, juseyo” and being served some frozen chemical sludge inside a cone.

Oh it looks pretty, sure! But it tasted like how a pumpkin Yankee Candle smells and I just couldn’t get down with it, no pumpkin patch square dances for us, this cone and I were over before we started, aniyo aniyo aniyo, etc.

Luckily, I have a sucker of a boyfriend who promptly traded his regular-tasting twist for my frozen fall cologne cone.

But the whole point was, I don’t know, FAMILY TIME or something. Chooch is at that age where he’d rather just stay home alone or go to the dumb Teen Center than be seen with two old heads, so I guess we should have felt #blessed that he even joined us. Whatever! I’m still cooler than he’ll ever be.

Later, we joined dumb Henry at the laundromat because I felt like doing a photoshoot but Henry was like IT IS SUNDAY EVENING, THERE WILL BE PEOPLE THERE and he was right, but Chooch and I still acted like dicks so Henry left us and went and sat in the car after putting in a load of clothes. Henry is ashamed of us.

Chooch and I eventually got bored (after 10 minutes) so we walked home and left Henry there to do all the laundry labor.

And that’s all. Ice cream and laundry. The end.

Sep 172018
 

Henry and I finished “My ID is Gangnam Beauty” yesterday and one of the main characters is Cha Eun-Woo from Astro, which was a group I had only mild interest in but now I’m like LET’S WATCH ASTRO VIDEOS UNTIL OUR EYES FALL OUT and Henry is like SOUNDS GREAT GOTTA GET OUR KYUNG SEOK* FIX.

*(That was his character’s name, OK?! We’re in deep.)

Fun fact: a Gangnam Beauty is someone who gets plastic surgery, in case you were wondering if you should try to get people to call you that at work.

But anyway, please enjoy this video – Cha Eun-Woo is the first guy that sings, but you can’t choose him for your bias because Henry already claimed him.

OK fine, here’s one more because I’m feeling so generous on this rainy Monday:

In other K-drama news, the finale of our other current show, 30 But 17, comes out tomorrow and I just don’t think I’m ready for that. This show is wrecking me.

 

Sep 162018
 

Here I am, up before 8am on a Sunday because kpop gossip has me shook, and as I’m sitting here with my coffee in a quiet house, I’m briefly reminded of a time when writing/blogging was my everything and I would proofread that shit 8x over before hitting “publish” and now, I write things in pieces from my phone while commuting, on the laptop at home with a million things happening around me, or during extremely rare lulls at work. And I never read it over. I post and walk away, and I’m sorry for being blog-sloppy. But looking back on how obsessed I used to be with writing the perfect posts makes me feel residual stress and I can’t say I really miss that “perfect post” and “comment-obsessed” part of my life – leaving Facebook also really helped cure that. I still really enjoy blogging, for myself, but it’s just don’t have the time that I really need for it anymore. This isn’t a goodbye post! I’m too sentimental and obsessed with my mortality to ever stop jotting down things I want to remember and if I rely on a paper journal, my hand gets tired so I start skipping lots of details, but it’s more of an explanation that I feel I need to make several times a year and the quiet of this Sunday morning reminded me of that.

(Also, I’m not really a moron: I just type too fast and accidentally skip words! I’m pretty sure every one of my blog posts is missing a word or 8.)

While I have some coffee to sip and time to kill, here are some things of interest!

  • Last weekend, I had the itch to clean out the bathroom closet because it was turning into a hazard zone, where an avalanche of Q-tips and rolls of toilet paper was only a matter of time. It felt great to throw out 3/4 of that closet’s contents, including gaudy makeup made by a crazy lady that I will never put anywhere near my eyes again, crusty cleansers, expired products, you know the drill. Tucked way back in the closet, I found several makeup bags and other container-things that had a bunch of jewelry in it that I didn’t even know I was missing, like this adorbs two-finger ring I bought years ago at the Mattress Factory when I was kind of poor and Henry was annoyed that I paid $40 for a ring in a museum gift shop but I was like, “I WILL WEAR THIS RING EVERY DAY!” and then probably only wore it once because my fingers were fatter then and I vaguely remember it being uncomfortable. But it fits fine now so I wore it twice last week and it only got in the way of my life approx. 87 times. Also, ignore my shitty polish – we already established on here recently that I paint my nails in near-darkness. A TRUE READER OF OH HONESTLY ERIN WOULD KNOW THAT. lol.

  • Shit guys, the past few days have been rife with drama in Kpop World. I mentioned on one of my last Kpop Valentine updates that there was a ton of controversary surrounding Hyuna and E’Dawn, who had the balls to come forward and confirm that they were dating and had been hiding it for 2 years because they’re on the same agency, and not only that but they even have a side project together, and that side project (Triple H, not to be confused with the wrestler who comes up every time I  google it) was actually in the middle of promotions for their comeback (which was SO GOOD) so that got halted immediately which was awful. Meanwhile, E’Dawn is a pivotal member of the 10-member group Pentagon, who you may know I love a lot. They had a fan engagement and also KCON LA coming up, and he was asked to sit those out. Then, last week, they made their comeback with a new mini-album, of which he was part of the creative process, but he’s not in the video and again was not part of promotions. Then on Wednesday, right before I went to bed, I saw the news that Hyuna and E’Dawn were kicked out of Cube, and it got even worse as more news came out because it turns out that they found out the same way everyone else did – through the news. Cube’s stock dropped immediately and international fans were fuming, but the Korean fans were happy and felt that the couple deserved to be punished for what they’ve “done” (not just hiding the fact that they were dating, but actually having the audacity to be in love like normal human beings). The last I heard, Cube back-tracked and said that they weren’t kicked out, that they’re still “talking” but this morning my friend sent me an article saying that there are rumors that Hyuna is leaving on her own and has already joined Jay Park’s label and that would be so amazing, but I worry about what will happen to E’Dawn  and Pentagon. I of course want to boycott Cube, but that in turn hurts the other artists who I want to support, so it’s a really frustrating position. And Hyuna literally carried that fucking company on her back for like 11 years – she’s one of the biggest female artists in Korea, totally controversial, and just a true gem that any agency would be lucky to have. This could have been Cube’s opportunity to break the stigma and publicly support the two and encourage the fans to do the same, but they blew it.  Anyway, this news was so big that it even made the NY Times.
    • Pentagon’s new song is so good though and it kills me that E’Dawn (and Yanan who is sitting out due to health reasons) isn’t a part of it. Please watch this video and support these boys. They write their own stuff and deserve recognition. And before you make fun of the song, the frog concept is based off of a Korean parable and is actually very intelligently incorporated into the song which is about rebelling against social norms and expectations from the elders.)

  • I know you’ve been sitting on the edge of your seat, wondering how the cats are enjoying their cat tower, and I’m here to tell you that it’s their fucking jam. Penelope never bothered with the old one we had, so we didn’t expect that she would care about this one either, but after a few weeks, so slowly acclimated herself to it and Drew is less than pleased but I’m like, “Guys, this thing is big enough for 6 cats, deal with it.” They fight on it at least once a day and it’s a great spectator sport for the rest of us. I still think it’s funny that my original four cats never gave a shit about any of the toys/towers/beds that I bought for them, but these two are materialistic AF. It’s that generation, I guess!
  • Speaking of That Generation, I had breakfast with Kara on Friday (at Parker’s and Parker himself came over and talked to us and I was internally giddying the fuck out) and we spent a large portion of  the morning bitching about Fortnite and how it’s ruining our lives and that made me feel less of a failure as a parent knowing that she is going through the same shit with her boys too. Fuck Fortnite.
    • Additionally, Kara told me that I’m the longest friend she’s had aside from high school friends, and I started thinking about that and I think it’s true for me too! 13 consistent years! It helps that Kara isn’t a possessive/crazy/SWF/compulsive liar, too. Because man, do I attract those types, like the ones who read my entire blog after knowing me for a month and then throw me an elaborate surprise party utilizing everything they learned about me from said blog, only to send me 18 paragraphs via text 2 months later about why they don’t want to be my friend anymore which can be summarized into one sentence: YOU DON’T PAY ENOUGH ATTENTION TO ME, WAH. (I have none of these people in my life right now so this isn’t the equivalent of me sub-tweeting, I swear!)
      • One of the reasons was literally, “We only listen to YOUR music in the car.” Well, when you make me drive everywhere, yeah, them’s the breaks.
    • I need to make more of an effort hanging out with my friends. This has been whatever the opposite of “banner year” is for my mental condition.

  • Hey, speaking of cleaning out closets, I was rooting through this Tupperwear bin in my closet the other night because I was on a roll talking to Chooch about my old penpal days and I thought this was the container that had some of my old penpalling relics, like my address labels that I mostly had created specifically to include in FBs (friendship books, high fives to my peeps who remember those) but instead it was just filled with senior pictures from people I only moderately talked to in high school, plus some really old pictures like this one which kills me because I still do this same pose when I want something and even Barb confirmed it on Instagram.
    • I also found a poem from my deathrow penpal so I handed it to Chooch who immediately started reading it out loud and it turned out to be A SEX POEM so I had to snatch it from him. Advice to parents: proofread stuff from your deathrow penpals before letting your kids see it!
    • But I also found this signed headshot of one Clive Pearse who I had become obsessed with briefly while on vacation with Sharon and my grandparents in the early 90s because I watched his show in our hotel room in England and if you think I’m bad now with being obsessed with things you should have seen me back then. I guess I wrote to him and asked for a picture and I actually one back, because that’s how shit worked back then and then it made me think about that Santa Claus museum we just went to last month and how there was a wall lined with framed autographed headshots that some local Santa Claus, Indiana had collected in the 80s and wow, that could have been me. I started cracking up when I found this and tried to explain it to Chooch who was anything but impressed (he’d rather pretend that I didn’t exist until he was born). Apparently, Clive has found success on HGTV since his Super Channel days. (God only knows why I was obsessed with him.)

 

  • It’s still in the 80s here in Pittsburgh but I am so ready for haunted house season. Several are already open, but I think it’s too early! I need more leaves on the ground first. And this is the first time in several years that we don’t have the annual pie party weighing us down (I said NO this year and it feels like a weight was lifted! That damn party was more stress than it was worth) so I feel like I can commit 100% to an All Things Halloween October for once. Henry has one foot on board the Knoebel’s train so I just have to keep batting my eyes and being semi-nice until he agrees to take us. Knoebel’s is a really cute amusement park in….somewhere else in Pennsylvania that’s not Pittsburgh. It takes like 4 or 5 hours to get there, so wherever that is. Anyway, they’re open on weekends in October and we went once several years ago, and I have FOND MEMORIES of it, OK? It’s also the home to two great dark rides and one of my favorite wooden coasters, The Phoenix, which actually JUST WON the 2018 Golden Ticket award for best wooden coaster (Holiday World was on there for cleanest park and best water park ride, and Kennywood won for best dark ride for Noah’s Ark). So, root for me in the fight for Knoebels, you guys!
  • Henry and I are currently knee-deep in two k-dramas: 30 But 17, and My ID is Gangnam Beauty. I started both without him but then he got sucked in even after missing the first episodes so now I’m not allowed to watch them without him, which is annoying but also adorable. Last night, I took this secret picture of Henry watching My ID is Gangnam Beauty, because he’s smiling and it’s so freaking funny to me how engrossed he gets in these things, but they really are addicting you guys. When I first started getting into Kpop, I was like, “OK, but I’m just into Kpop and nothing else” and then I got sucked into variety shows so then it became, “OK, but I’m not going to start watching dramas, that just doesn’t appeal to me” but then I started watching Boys Over Flowers and here we are: 80+ Korean actors followed on Instagram, one DramaFever subscription, zero American TV shows watched later.

Well, my people are up and about now so we’re back to Distraction City over here. Shall we end this with two pictures of the cats? YES, I THINK WE SHALL.

Well, I’m off to lint-roll the porch chairs. ANNYEONG CHINGU.

Sep 142018
 

I’m so excited about this, you guys! I’m in the process of expanding my Hello Hanguk line to include idol pendants!

I was looking online for kpop pendants and when I couldn’t find anything that appealed to me, I took matters in my own hands and made this G-Dragon beauty.  I am so smitten with it that I decided to create a whole idol profile series!

These photos don’t do it justice because I used my phone but I wanted to do a little sneak peek because you know me and how I just can’t ever wait.

Honestly, I consider it to be an amulet.

Even my co-workers were like, “OK fine, that’s actually pretty nice” and I know it was hard for them because they generally hate encouraging my kpop fanaticism.

I have a whole list of idols to immortalize in ornate pendant frames but if you have a specific bias that you want to see, please let me know!

In other Hello Hanguk news, I made a Sunmi birthday card this week and didn’t think it would do well but I had two orders so far!

Here’s a birthday card for your favorite little gashina (did you know that this is also means bitch in Korean? Be careful who you say this to, I guess!). The inside has a colorful bouquet to remind your friend to live their life like a flower.

Comes with an envelope.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and practice that gun dance again. I just can’t bend back that far.

(I have a bad back, OK?!)

And I had to feed the desire to make another BIGBANG card. They’re the kings, after all!

Yeah, this card had to be made. BIGBANG is my favorite Kpop group of all time and I could certainly fill this whole shop with just BIGBANG cards but, you know, variety is good too. Ugh. Anyway, this card could be used for Valentines Day, an anniversary, birthday, Flag Day—who wouldn’t be stoked to get a card on freakin’ Flag Day!?

It comes with an envelope. Stick a room key in it if you’re feeling especially ballsy & proposition-y.

And that’s my super-quick kpop shop update! I also have another Valentine set coming up soon, so check back for that if you’re into super kpoppy mini-Valentines to pass out at school, work, prison, wherever!

 

Sep 132018
 

One of my favorite Korean meals is bibimbap, and that goes way back from before I even became k-crazed. I used to be friends with this girl who I since realized was a sociopath, maybe worse, but back then we enjoyed a brief friendship and would often eat at this Korean restaurant in Oakland because it was owned by friends of her family. I would always, unfailingly, order bibimbap because I loved how it came with a fried egg on top and it reminded me of this one burger I would always get at this restaurant in London called Monique’s, which had a fried egg on top and that was way before America was doing crazy shit to burgers. When I would tell my friends about this burger, they’d be all o.O

I promise you that back then, 20 years ago, I didn’t know what gochujang was and I for sure know that kimchi didn’t touch my chopsticks let alone my lips. But, even though my Korean palate has since expanded, I still fucking love bibimbap and once I started to actually learn about Korea, I realized that bibimbap literally means “mixed rice” and then I started thinking about how this, what you’re reading, is pretty much a mixed bag, a bibimblog and now that’s all I can think of when I sit down to write in this dolsot pot of words and pictures.

So, all that being said, let’s take a walk through my bibimbrain because I gots words about the weekend, y’all. This is going to be all smeared and splashed like a Pollack.

I had the day off last Friday and as expected, I got sick. What is it with me and scheduled days off!? I wasn’t majorly sick enough, but I felt weird and sluggish and when Chooch came home from school, he stopped short inside the doorway and said, “Whoa, I’m not used to seeing you laying down.” Exaciticallllly! (I had a tour guide named Colleen once who said “Exactly” that way and it was amazing.)

(And by “had” I don’t mean that I gave birth to her, but I was on a tour she was leading.)

(I HOPE YOU KNEW THAT.)

Still, the day wasn’t too bad. I managed to leave the house and walk to Pamela’s, where I met my good ol’ friend Christy for lunch but on the way there, something weird happened. I stopped at the ATM but had to wait for this broad and I was on the phone with Henry the whole time, whispering about how annoying she was because she made like three separate transactions with long, leisurely pauses in between each one. I don’t  know why I cared because Christy is habitually late so it didn’t really matter that this broad was holding me up but if you know me, you know that I am always in a rush for no reason. Anyway, after that left, I started mouthing off about her to Henry which of course warranted a description. I started to say she was older and had pink hair and then he cut me off and finished the description because whoever this bitch was, she also was in Henry’s way the other day!? I mean, it’s not too often you see an old lady with pink hair and tattoos so it was definitely the same person, especially after I saw her get in her car and Henry was like YES THAT’S HER! SHE WAS PISSING ME OFF SO BAD! It reminded me of the time that Henry and I both dreamt  of cabbages, so maybe he is my soul mate after all, even though he’s not Korean, ugh.

And of course I still got to Pamela’s before Christy but it was OK because I had a cup of coffee in front of me and Genesis was playing, and really when you have those things, life doesn’t seem too bad. Then Christy got there and we those good Pamela’s pancakes and talked about how awesome we were when we were kids and stuff like that.

Then I came home and watched the cats fight because Penelope uses the tower now and Drew hates that.

Later that night, Henry and I watched the G-Dragon / Kwon Jiyong documentary on YouTube Red and I fucking cried. Just when I think I couldn’t possibly love him any more! The whole thing was a behind the scenes account of his last solo tour and how he’s reached a point in his life where he realized that he’s been G-Dragon for so long that he doesn’t who Kwon Jiyong is anymore. You guys, I just want him to meet a nice girl, get married, and move somewhere private. Like here, in Pittsburgh,

With me.

After we get married.

Saturday morning was the start of like, 4 days of dreary, rainy weather. I thought for sure the weekend would be ruined, but it was pretty good! I mean, aside from first thing that morning when I heard knocking on our neighbors’ door and then suddenly, “POLICE!” I was super startled because if you remember, our current neighbors are Blake and Haley, not some white trash rapist or secret drug lord. Henry wasn’t home so I had to go out there with an arm covering my braless boobs so that was great, but it turns out that their alarm was going off and they were on vacation, so the security company sent THREE COPS out. Chooch let them inside Blake’s house to make sure it really was just accidental (the sensor fell off the wall, apparently) and when the one cop came back to return the key to us, he was trying to be all playful with Chooch and we were just “we hate cops.” Sike, we didn’t actually say that but I was like, “Bye now!” after Chooch took back the key.

“And then he just kept standing there, staring into our house!” I ranted later to Henry, because little gets me as fired up as interaction with the popo.

“Well yeah! Come on, imagine if you saw this place for the first time. There’s a lot to see. There’s a green mannequin over there in the corner for Christ’s sake!” Henry said, perpetually white-knighting the men in blue.

I think I have mild PTSD though from all of my past neighbors. Just another thing to add to the list!

The rest of the day I was moody so Henry was following me around and picking up everything I was purposely knocking over because that’s what I do when I’m in a mood and then I was mad because I put too much peanut butter on a bagel and so it was very messy which caused me to abandon it on the kitchen counter but then Henry calmly scraped off the excess and cut it into quarters so that I could eat it without looking like I just went down on a hot jar of peanut butter.

Hey, remember when I was writing words for you to read about bibimbap? Well, I was craving it on Saturday so Henry Oppa took me to Sushi Kim which sounds like a sushi joint but it’s actually a Korean restaurant that also has a sushi bar and it was kind of like a date I guess because Chooch preferred to stay home and play his stupid Fortnite and things were actually looking pretty good for Henry until he realized that one of the waiters there was my ideal Korean type and then it was just me blushing and giggling through the whole dinner and Henry was like GREAT JUST GREAT.

Even still, we had a really great weekend together, but I realized that I for sure need a better shopping partner because he is no help at all in places like Forever 21 when I’m like CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME FIND MY SIZE IN THIS RAINBOW SWEATER but he’s too busy googling “how to regain my masculinity.” But at least I got some nice clothes, thanks Henry Oppa. (LOL, like I don’t have a job.)

Sunday was lovely too! We went shopping again because I was searching for this elusive shirt from H&M and every time I found one, it was only a size 2 (H&M sizing is so stupid) and I mean, I lost some weight but come on now. I’d have to Ace-bandage my boobs to squeeze into a shirt size that small. On the way home, we stopped at Coffee Buddha and I was content because I didn’t realize that I was craving their peanut buddha latte but I was OK!? Henry bought a pumpkin muffin for us to share so I ripped off the whole top and went on with my day. I could feel him staring at me so I said with a flick of my hand, “Oh, you can have the rest.”

“Wow. You’re a dick,” he said.

That’s our relationship, in one muffin.

Then he made me this bubbling vat of kimchi jjigae and maybe the theme of this post is that I’ve got it made!? I don’t know, but Henry is pretty cool sometimes, especially when he’s coming out of the kitchen with Korean food in his hands.

We finished off our weekend by watching Hereditary and by that, I mean that Chooch and I watched it and then Henry “disappeared” a quarter of the way through because he was “bored and it was so predictable and just like every other movie” and Chooch and I were like, “Oh, mmhmm, so you were scared.” He kept denying it but as soon as he realized what type of horror movie it was going to be, he saw his way out because he is such a little bitchboy.

Meanwhile, Chooch and I were RIVETED and I daresay this might be my new favorite horror movie. Except that now Chooch won’t stop clucking, so that’s cool. Anyway, I can’t say too much else about this movie without taking you down to Spoiler Town, but it had a lot of great scares and some pretty unexpected moments, also Toni Collette is just wonderful. Tell me if you’ve seen it or just tell me anything because I’m bored. Bye.

Sep 112018
 

Hi hello. I want to be positive and spread joy today instead of succumbing to the sad Eeyore in my head, so here I am to ply you with some Taemin eye candy because SHINee just released a new music video yesterday, and I have already watched it 974932074 times and now you should too.

I love SHINee, all of the members….but Taemin, good god. His voice comes out like a warm blanket on a cold day (or, in a cold office, which is where I am now, with a blanket across my lap) and it brings me so much joy. I remember a long time watching an Eat Your Kimchi video where Martina referred to him as the G-Dragon of SHINee, or something to that effect, and I didn’t really get it then because I was thinking more comparatively and it didn’t make sense since they are VERY different artists; but over time, it kind of fell into place and I get it now. There are so many places his charisma can take him.

When he’s holding those flowers at the end, OMG, I just want to open a door and see him standing there, ugh.

The other night on Instagram, one of the Taemin fan accounts posted that someone was selling their “standing room” ticket for Taemin’s performance at Music Bank in Germany and I had a full-blown moral altercation with myself and had to physically grab my hand to stop from typing in “I WILL TAKE IT WHAT IS YOUR PAYPAL ADDRESS.” I reminded myself that I have a family that would probably not be happy about going without food for the next month, ugh fuck you, family.

Remember when I wasted like 8 years of my life fan-girling over unworthy Jonny Craig when G-Dragon and Taemin were out there all along? Ugh, to get that time back!

Here’s a picture of my cat Drew and me getting our morning dose of Taemin:

Wow, thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Image result for taemin countless video images

Sep 102018
 

Here’s my crew in line for the Jack Rabbit.

Hi, I’m back with the second half of my Kennywood saga. I always feel like once I finish recapping the last amusement park visit of the summer, then summer is really over. So, I drag my feet a little. Sue me.

But also, this last trip to Kennywood wound up being one of the best times I’ve had there in years, so I’m desperate to hang on to those feels. Well, right this way to the bulletpoints…

  • For the first time in forever, we went inside Noah’s Ark and weren’t the most obnoxious people. Nope, this time it was AN OLD LADY behind us who was quiet the whole time we were in line and then as soon as her Easy Spirits hit the whale’s tongue, she sounded like a midwestern granny was being exorcised from within her. Literally, she was screaming things like, “OH GOLLY!” and “AYE YIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!!!!” and the whole time I was like, “WHO THE FUCK IS BEHIND US” until I finally sneaked a peak in a less-dim section of the Ark and was like, “Oh wow, not what I was expecting.” Even Chooch was like bug-eyed over this and he lives in the same house as my big mouth so that’s really saying something. I just assumed she was trying to hype up the kids she was with, but then we exited the Ark, I watched her and husband walk away alone, no children in sight. Welp, I think I got a glimpse of Future Me.
  • Blake was allowed to ride one ride while they were there, and he chose the Black Widow because he still had never been on it since it was introduced to the park a few years ago. I tried to hide my reluctance and got into line with him and Chooch because this is one of those rides that puts me through a series of internal existential crises while standing in line, but once the ride is over, I always feel bad-ass an accomplished, especially when Janna is there because she totally idolizes my ability to ride insane thrill rides. (SHE DOES, OK. But, um, don’t ask her about that because she’ll, um, she’ll get embarrassed, see.) The line for the Black Widow is always long even on the least crowded days because the loading process takes so long.  So we stood there while Chooch mindlessly performed Fortnight dances and watched Henry chasing Calvin around on the other side of the fence. I yawned a lot. I always yawn while standing in lines, even if I’m not actually tired. A doctor told me once a long time ago that it’s because I don’t get enough oxygen so then I catch myself yawning and barely breathing, and I start dramatically huffing and puffing but then I just feel light-headed and it’s just a vicious cycle, is what I’m trying to tell you. So I don’t fight the yawns anymore. I’m yawning right now, even. After about 45 minutes, it was finally out turn. Actually, we were the last three people they let on, so that felt ominous. Even more ominous was when we were all strapped in and ready to go and the harnesses popped up because someone wanted off. Then we had to sit there and go through the load-in process all over again AND THEN THE HARNESSES POPPED UP AGAIN BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE NEEDED TO GET OFF?! Even one of the ride operators was like, “wtf is happening are you kidding” and part of me was wondering if this was a sign? Like, should I object to this upcoming marriage of our souls with the sky? But I kept my mouth shut — until the ride started and then I started rambling like a crazy-person because that’s my defense mechanism on this rid – just keep hyper-talking until the ride stops because if God and Satan hear that shit they’ll be like, “Nah, we can wait a little longer before taking this bitch, that Henry guy can keep her.”
    • Spoiler alert! I survived! However, someone’s phone did not. Once the Black Widow stopped swinging, we saw a black phone on the platform totally shattered and exploded and everyone was super intrigued by this. The ride operators were like, “OH SHIT REALLY” and when the people in line figured out what we were all ogling, there was a collective exclamation of “OH SHIT!” This whole scene made me feel sick because they explicitly tell you to empty your pockets before getting on the ride and what if that had hit someone!? That phone fell from such a great height and with such force that it fucking exploded. I don’t want to think about what impact that could have had on someone’s head.  I didn’t stick around to see what happened next but I hope whoever that phone belonged to got fined or something BUT THEY PROBABLY DIDN’T.
  • Ironically, right after this happened, Blake & Co. went to get more food probably and the rest of us decided to ride the Phantom again. While we were in line on the platform, we noticed that it was taking a longer time than usual for the car to be sent off. I saw two of the ride attendants talking to two of the riders and then the ride operator (whom I was convinced I loved by the end of the night) got on the speaker and said, “This car will not leave the platform until all cellphones are placed in the bin.” I was like, “Huh, I don’t remember ever hearing this precautionary warning before” but then he got on the speaker and repeated it more forcefully. When there was no movement from any of the riders in the car, he tacked on, “I will call Safety Enforcement if I have to” and that’s when we realized that some broad refused to put her phone away and said something like, “Then make everyone else do it too” and someone screamed, “JUST GIVE THEM YOUR PHONE!!!” She got all huffy and defiant like this was some playground where shit wasn’t going her way, so instead of just complying with the rules, she and her male companion got off the ride and stormed out of the exit to an uproarious round of applause. I couldn’t even believe the audacity! One of the ride attendants told us that just the day before, someone had their phone out on the ride and it fell out of their hands and hit the person behind them. “There was blood EVERYWHERE,” she said, I almost puked. LOOK – I know this is the age of getting that perfect Instagram shot or Snapchatting your daily highlights so everyone knows you’re out there living your best life, and I get it, I do that shit too. I’ve taken pictures on roller coasters — but they’re mild ones and I always put my phone away before reaching the top of the hill. But most of those rides, common sense tells you that everything should be left with a non-rider or put in a bin! Why should your stupid ass social media feed take precedence over someone’s safety? Bitch, leave my park!
    • After watching the park employees handle this with finesse, I was glad that I didn’t roast Kennywood on Twitter like I had planned to after that Golden Nugget fail. I saw some guy complaining on there about how the load time at Kennywood takes twice as long as it does at Hershey, and the more I thought about it, I decided that I don’t give a shit if I have to stand in line for an extra 5  minutes if it means that these ride attendants are doing what they were trained to do in order to make sure we’re all safe. We all need to calm the fuck down and stop being so entitled. Yes, standing in line sucks. Having to part with your phone, god forbid, sucks. But it’s not worth defying rules and acting like an asshole. You want to check my seat belt again? BE MY GUEST. TAKE YOUR TIME.
      • Am I getting old or what?!

  • The first time we rode the Musik Express, we actually had to stand in line because the ark was still kind of crowded then. There was a little girl in front of us who kept staring at my shirt and finally she worked up the nerve to tell me she liked it. “My mom likes skulls, and I like cats,” she said and I was like, “Fuck, a small child is talking to me. WHAT TO DO. WHAT TO DO.” So eventually I just said, “Thanks” because that’s about all the small talkin’ I can do these days. Meanwhile, Chooch was seething beside me because it was actually his shirt that I was wearing and he hates when people compliment me, HAHAHA. The second time we rode it was later in the evening after all the lights came on and Chooch’s friend from the Thunderbolt was on it too – this was after we saw him on the Volcano and he slapped Chooch’s hand. We were really excited about this because making amusement park friends is the best, says the girl who literally just bitched about small talk a few sentences ago. I AM MORE CONTRARY THAN MARY MARY. Anyway, we made Janna  take a picture of us looking precious and then I had a flashback to the picture my mom took of me and my friend Liz when we were 13 on the Musik Express, with my brother Ryan and THAT FRENCH KID LAURENT (see my littering rant from last week!) in the seat behind us, and I have braces, permed hair, and a perma-scowl and also I’m wearing shorts and a tie-dye shirt that was probably IOU or some shit.

I look so Les Miz! I love this picture so much, but I’m sure I probably didn’t love it back then.

  • We don’t ride the Paratroopers very often, but it just felt right to ride it on this night. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? Probably not, because I don’t either. Here are some things that happened during this time:
    • While we were standing in line, I saw my friend Colleen from work so Chooch screamed her name real loud and then she came over to talk to us for a minute and I started laughing about this later because her office is right near my desk but that was probably the longest I’ve talked to her in a long time because it’s been so quiet at work lately.
    • I recounted a harrowing tale to Janna and Chooch wherein I was but a wee youngin’ riding this with my friend Amy and one of my sandals slipped off. Just like that person’s phone on the Black Widow, we were all lucky in  that it landed on the ground within the ride’s perimeter so no one was knocked out by a pink-bowed Candies, but that ride operator screamed at me afterward and I was crying and crying because I was like 7 or 8, and then Amy’s mom, who was also our heroic Girl Scout leader, stepped up and was like, “OH NO YOU DIDN’T JUST YELL AT THIS CHILD” and I have never worn sandals or flip flops to an amusement park since then. I told them this story as a grown-ass adult lady was on the ride wearing flip flops.
    • So I thought Chooch was going to ride with me but he was like, “Pfft nah I’m riding with Janna. That’s why I said too bad you don’t have a big stuffed animal to be your partner like that girl” and he pointed to some young, sad girl sitting alone under one of the umbrellas with a big bear or something next to her. I was really offended by this, especially when they started yapping about how they were going to get the purple one and that’s the one that I wanted so they were like, “Go get the other purple one then” and I was like, “NO BECAUSE I WANTED TO SIT NEAR YOU ASSHOLES” so then I was like, “Fuck you” and just took a green umbrella in front of them because I didn’t even care anymore. Then suddenly, while we were still preparing for the ride to start, I heard the two of them gagging and coughing behind me so I turned around to see what the hell was going on and Janna wailed, “That man that was sitting here before us must have farted through the whole ride because it smells!” and Chooch was practically dry-heaving, but now all the umbrellas were taken so they couldn’t switch and I was SO SMUG. “Good, I hope that guy pooped in there, too,” I said and then I sat through the whole ride with a huge smile on my face and aggressively waved to Henry every time I Mary Poppins’d past him. ENJOY YOUR SMELL, ASSHOLES!

  • All day long, I kept saying that we probably wouldn’t stay long enough for the fireworks because I figured we’d be burnt out by early evening, but before we knew it, it was dark and we were ascending the hill of the Phantom watching the fireworks. In all the times I’ve been to Kennywood,  I can honestly say this was my first time watching the fireworks from the Phantom! It was really magical, and made it especially terrifying when we were suddenly plummeting down the hill because we were too distracted to realize we had reached the top. Oh shit, I love roller coasters at night! I was so hyped up after this that even though it was nearly closing time, I giddily whisper-screamed, “LET’S GO ON ONE MORE TIME AND GET THE FRONT SEAT” like I was suggesting doing a hit of X behind the Potato Patch or something. Henry was like, “I am not riding this twice in a row” and he was still talking while Chooch and I chucked all of our belongings at him and ran, AND I MEAN RAN, to the entrance while screaming HURRY UP, JANNA! We just ran and ran and ran, praying that the line was still open, and it WAS but that didn’t stop us from still running through the queue. Some kid was behind us, also running, so his dad yelled STOP RUNNING! and I was like, “Fuck off dad” and just then, I FUCKING FELL while I was trying to duck under the railing because I was so giddy that I just lost all control of my body and went straight down so then I was on my hands and knees literally crawling until I got the strength to pick myself back up because I was laughing so hard that my whole body tickled! I caught up to Chooch and wheezed, “I FELL” and then almost peed my pants because I was laughing so hard. Anyway, inside the platform, almost all of the lines were empty except for the line for the front seat. We squeezed into the queue for that one and as we were catching our breath, the same guy who was all authoritarian about the cell phones and calling the Safety Popo was still working the Phantom and he came over and roped off the end of the line for the front seat. “You guys will be the last riders for the night,” he said, and it was so hot to me for some reason, like was he COMING ON TO ME I COULDN’T TELL. I was totally in love with him after this and I don’t know why but this was making me laugh even harder, and then to compound the situation, here comes Janna, strolling onto the platform like five minutes after we had already gotten there, and it was clear that she didn’t run AT ALL. Henry told me later that after she gave him her purse to hold, she actually started to walk in the wrong direction, but he confirmed that no, she did not run at all.
    • So now Janna is in line with us, but she’s standing in the queue for the second car so she can ride behind us. There is no one else in line for that seat, and still like 4 people ahead of us, so Janna is standing way far back, like she’s in line with her imaginary friends. My Kennywood boyfriend came over at one point and asked her if she was in line and she mumbled yes like wasn’t it obvious and he was just like “Oh” so I suggested that she try to get people to go in front of her. “Yeah, ask that guy to go in front of you,” Chooch suggested, pointing to some sweaty bro who rolled on up without a shirt on. “NO Chooch! I don’t want to sit where that shirtless guy sat!” Janna snapped, and Chooch snottily responded that she wouldn’t be sitting in the same seat because there were two Phantom cars running, so….still, she was like, “No! That’s disgusting!” and they’re going back and forth, fighting over where this shirtless guy is going to sit and I was doing the pee-squat by this point because I was slap-happy to the max. Honestly, when I say that we had the best time at Kennywood, I have to pull myself away from the situation a bit and look down on the scene, because was I the only one laughing? Nope, Chooch was too. OK good.
    • Sometime in the middle of all this, Chooch’s pal from the Thunderbolt walked into the platform! My Kennywood boyfriend said, “Oh hey, Sam” to him, so I guess he’s a regular! I think Sam had become Chooch’s “Stanley.” Anyway, Sam seemed a bit upset that the line for the front seat was roped off, but you snooze you lose, buddy! I didn’t get a scrape on my knee for nothing.
    • Meanwhile, Janna kept letting people in front of her but then she started to let TOO MANY in front of her so I screamed, “NO! NOW WE’RE LINED UP ANYMORE!” and the couple she was trying to let in put their hands up and backed away and then I started laughing all over again that pee was imminent. Oh, the pee struggle is so real, you guys. I never outgrew that whole “giddy as a schoolgirl” phase.
    • Finally it was our turn and it was everything I could have wanted, closing out the perfect day at Kennywood in the front seat on the Phantom’s last run of the night. It really felt like being a kid again and as long as I didn’t think about the fact that I had to go to work the next day, I was golden.

I spent the next week thinking of Henry sitting alone on a bench after Chooch ditched him for Sam, or Janna calmly meandering onto the Phantom platform after Chooch and I sprinted there like idiots, or Janna and Chooch sitting in a fart seat, and I would start upchucking chuckles (upchuckling?) in the middle of work. It made me miss Barb though because I always loved torturing her with my giddy Kennywood tales!

What a great way to end the summer! I thought I was over Kennywood, but then this day happened and now we’re an item again.

Henry was so happy that amusement park season has ended but now I’m throwing the idea of going to Knoebel’s in October at him, so now he’s sad again.

Sep 082018
 

Oh boy, another amusement park blog post, can you even stand it.  I thought that I probably wouldn’t have anything to say about this day since we already went to Kennywood once this summer (or three times if you’re Chooch), but as usual, I was wrong because this was one of the funNEST days I had all goddamn summer.

First of all, we were supposed to go two weeks ago on a Tuesday because our recent tradition over the last three years has been to go on  the last regular weekday of the season. I take off work for this shit! However, it was supposed to rain all day and it definitely started out that way so I pulled the plug on our plans just to be safe. And of course, it ended up being a stupidly day too, with just one quick shower in the late afternoon. But rescheduling for the following Sunday ensured that  now Janna and Henry could go for the full day instead of just meeting us there after work, and Blake, Haley and Calvin were also set to come out! So even though I was not pleased about having to go on a Sunday, it would be worth it to have a nice, full group for a change.

Turns out though, Sunday was like, fireman day or something so it was moderately crowded and I was kind of concerned that this was going to ruin the day, but then we realized it wasn’t actually all THAT crowded, it was just that the park was understaffed since most of the employees had gone back to school, so not all of the rides were running at once, which made lines for the rides that were running longer than we were used to. Somehow this ended up not being as tragic as I thought and we were still able to basically walk on most of the rides except for the dumb Black Widow and Exterminator.

Also, we got free WPXI sunglasses and candy from some people sitting at a table! (They were actual WPXI people, not just randos, but I still would have taken their candy probably because that’s just who I am.) Anyway, there were a lot of stupid/dumb/hilarious-to-me things that happened so let’s do this shit bullet-style.

  • Here you’ll find the first selfie of the day, while Chooch and I were on the Jack Rabbit. Please note that I always put my phone away before the ride starts, more on that later, YOU’LL SEE. Also, this was the first ride we went on which Chooch was salty about because the Exterminator is our tradition but since we were there on a day we weren’t meant to be there, I decided we might as well just scramble that shit all up. Also, while we were in line for this, Janna texted me that she had arrived so then Henry to go and meet her with her ticket (we still had some of those rain tickets left over from last year!) and Chooch and I were dying, wondering what they were talking about. Then they waited for us while we were on  the ride, like they were are our parents, and Chooch and I seamlessly fell back into our tradition of screaming, “JANNA!!!!!!” as loud as possible to try to get her attention from the ground. We’re both 8.

  • In line for the Racer, some asshole was in the queue behind us wearing a MAGA shirt and Janna and I glared at him every time we passed him when the line moved. Then we heard him talking at point and I said loudly, “OH THAT EXPLAINS IT. IT MAKES SENSE NOW” and then Janna started passive-aggressively saying things and Henry had pretty much disassociated himself from us by then while Chooch was asking in major outdoor-voice, “OH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THAT GUY IN THE TRUMP SHIRT?” Not pictured: Guy in Trump shirt.

Stupid group photo. Janna and I won the Racer, btw. This coaster is only fun if you win, I don’t care what other people say.

  • We stood in line for the Exterminator for like 50-60 minutes it seemed like because for some reason, even when the park isn’t crowded, this ride always has the longest line. I mean, it’s essentially just an indoor Crazy Mouse and oh hey, funny story about that: Janna was talking about the last time we went to DelGrosso’s which is a small amusement park somewhere else in Pennsylvania (I don’t know, look it up!) and she was like, “Omg I loved that Crazy Mouse ride, I could have ridden it all day” and I was like, “You know that’s exactly what the Exterminator is, right?” because we have to DRAG HER ON THIS EVERY TIME and she always tries to give us some stupid excuse about how it gives her a headache. She considered this for a few seconds and said, “Oh my god, is it really?” and then I even pointed out how even the cars are the same and she was like, “OH WOW I FEEL SO STUPID” and I was like, “THAT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE.” And then Chooch tried to say that he’s the one who broke this same news to ME!? I was like, “Bitch you best step off because I knew that for a long time and it sure as hell wasn’t because your egg head told me so.” So then we fought about that, which was our second fight of the day, the first being when we were standing in line for the Jack Rabbit and got in a fight over semantics because he said I don’t explain things well and I said it’s just because his comprehension skills suck and he clearly isn’t that smart.
    • Also, we loved the couple in front of us because they were cute but not cloyingly so, and when we saw them later on, he had won her a giant panda (not piano like I had originally typed because I’m seriously losing control of  my brain) and we thought that was adorable. Or maybe just I did.

  • Speaking of giant pandas, while we were on the Exterminator that Janna suddenly likes now, Henry won Chooch a giant unicorn, which is bigger than Calvin but not bigger than Chooch.
  • Also while we were on the Exterminator, Blake and his crew arrived but Calvin is still too small to ride and Haley is pregnant again so they pretty much just took a food tour of Kennywood and enjoyed the perks of being there on Service Day (firetrucks, a cop parade, a police dog show – a baby’s paradise!).

Calvin is still at that age where Henry’s beard is cool.

  • The last several times we’ve gone to Kennywood, Chooch and I have eaten at Johnny Rockets because, bless them, they have black bean burgers that suit our meatless lifestyle. However, I wanted to flip things up again on this day and go back to our old food haunt, the….pizza place? Does it have a name? I don’t know. But this is where we used to always eat pre-Johnny Rockets. Henry got a whole pizza which Chooch, me, Janna, Blake and Haley devoured while Henry chased Calvin all around. Henry said he didn’t want any pizza……..

……..but he sure looks sad here.

  • While we were in the vicinity of the pizza place, we decided to also get our traditional Golden Nugget ice cream cones then too. I’ve been blogging about K-wood (ugh, I wish that actually meant Koreawood) for as long as I’ve been blogging (informative statement) so you might already know that we don’t get ice cream anywhere else but here but LISTEN UP PEOPLE: shit was wack this time. First of all, we noticed that they no long cut the squares of ice cream from the huge block that they used to use, but now it’s cut straight from an ice cream carton so the shape isn’t right and it’s more of a lumpy rhombus, and the little bitches working back there that day couldn’t be bothered and were scowling the whole time, and the worst one of them all was telling the other one about how she got fired from Giant Eagle for BEING RUDE TO CUSTOMERS AT THE CHECKOUT. Wow, you don’t say?! The dumb bitch in charge of dunking the cones in chocolate was trying to be efficient by grabbing three in her hands, but the guy in front of me was like, “I only need one of those, and a root beer” so instead of putting two of the cones back in the freezer, she continued to hold them while preparing his shitty Golden Nugget, and it was like 95 degrees out so you know those other ice creams were softening faster than a guy’s dick in front of Lorena Bobbit. After she finished his sloppy root beer, and I do mean it was a fucking mess, she turned her scowl upon me and asked what topping I wanted and I said I wanted the mixed topping at the end but I should have just told her to fucking suck on at that point because I didn’t even want it anymore but stupid Henry already paid and he hates when I cause scenes, so I took the lumpy cone from her which came with an identical scowl like hers, so I slapped that on my face and stomped back to the table Chooch was saving. I always take pictures of our Golden Nuggets because they’re masterpieces, but this time it was dripping everywhere and chunks of chocolate were falling to the ground because the fucking ice cream wasn’t frozen anymore. “I’M WRITING A LETTER ABOUT THIS,” I barked to Henry and Janna when they returned with their Sloppy Nuggets. “NO, I’M GOING TO TWEET ABOUT IT. AND I’M TAGGING KENNYWOOD IN IT!” I yelled, pounding the table. Henry agreed that I should do this because this is one thing that riles him up too – the sentiment that “no one takes pride in their work anymore.” He loves saying that. I’m going to make him a shirt with that slogan on it. But, then I got distracted because I wanted to ride the Thunderbolt, so that tweet never happened. (BUT THAT SHIRT STILL MIGHT.)

Sharing his Melted Nugget with Calvin who might never know the glory of a traditional Golden Nugget if Kennywood keeps this shit up!

Henry was this happy all day.

  • The first time we rode the Phantom that day, it was still KIND OF crowded and we actually had to stand in line for like 20 whole minutes, lol. Usually we go on days that are so empty that we just stroll right onto the platform, but luckily it would be like that later in the day for us spoiled amusement park enthusiasts. We had entertainment while waiting in line though – there were two fat groundhogs down below being super fucking adorable and we all clotheslined ourselves against the railing, observing their activity like we’re not from Pennsylvania and don’t see groundhogs every day. People were even taking pictures.
  • I was glad that Janna was there because while I enjoy being in a big group, sometimes there is a push & pull of what to do next and I’ll just put this right out there: I know I’m a fat girl, but I’m not the kind of person who goes to amusement parks to eat. I eat enough to sustain myself for all the running around I’m going to be doing, and I’ll usually get ice cream at some point, but the food stands are not an attraction for me. So when Blake and Haley were in line for another food thing, I was like, “WELL, I AM GOING ON THE THUNDERBOLT NOW, GOODBYE. COME ON, JANNA” and Janna was like, “I guess I am going on the Thunderbolt now. Goodbye.” Janna and I had just gotten in line when Chooch came sprinting over a few seconds later, but late enough that several people had already gotten in line behind us. “You can’t ride this without a partner!” I reminded him and this big guy in front of me said, “You can ride with me, I need a partner” and I was like, “YEAH JUST RIDE WITH THIS GUY” and Chooch was like panicking and looking over his shoulder, pretending his imaginary partner was right behind me. And eventually, we saw Big Dumb Henry do-do-doo’ing along toward the ride entrance. Little did I know that Blake and Chooch had decided to come with us but then some cop car parade happened so Blake & Haley got swept away in that excitement, so then Henry offered to take Blake’s place so that Chooch would have a partner. But now I felt bad for this guy in front of me (plus, he was wearing a fanny pack) so I made Chooch accept his offer and Chooch just shrugged and ducked under the railing to get in line with him. Henry finally reached the entrance and had this smug look on his face like HERE I AM, DAD OF THE YEAR. “Chooch has a partner now, you snooze you lose,” I said to Henry all haughtily because that’s how I say things to Henry, with haughtiness. Henry smirked and STILL GOT IN LINE!? But now there were like 15 people separating him from us so I don’t know what he thought he was going to accomplish? We kept heckling him like mean girls. And then when his line became parallel with us (because we were in a serpentine queue, you see), the guy in front of me sadly said to Chooch, “Oh. You can ride with him, it’s OK” but now Chooch was Team This Guy and said, “No. I’ll ride with you” and Henry was so confused. Then the line moved again and I lost sight of Henry so we were giggling uncontrollably about this, wondering if he would stay in line and find another stag rider to partner up with. By the time we got on the Thunderbolt, we still hadn’t seen Henry again so I figured he had just ducked out of line. As the coaster was ascending the lift hill, I looked down below and saw Henry sitting alone on a bench and I know there are people reading this and thinking “POOR HENRY” with a frown but I laughed so hard that I almost peed my pants sitting next to Janna and behind some strange man and I don’t even care IT WAS THAT FUNNY TO ME.
    • I started thinking about this a few days later on the trolley and lost it all over again, shit that happens at Kennywood is the funniest to me.

Well, I thought that doing a bulletpoint recap would spare you and me some of the words but somehow my word-control has gotten derailed just like Thomas the Tank Engine so I guess this will be a two-parter, OH BOY SEE YOU SOON FOR PART 2.

Sep 062018
 

While in the process of recapping my last trip to Kennywood, I started thinking about this one time when my friend Laura was there with us, and then she texted me out of the blue last night and I was like REMEMBER THE PHANTOM INCIDENT and she was like “Oh god, I just remembered that I don’t miss you at all.” (She moved clear across the country, you see.) So then I was reading about the aforementioned Phantom incident last night and was wheezing because it is STILL SO FUNNY TO ME so I’m reposting it because this is my blog and I make the rules.

This is also a really great illustration of what it’s like to go to Kennywood with me. Janna can attest.

***

The Giggle Picture

June 2014

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Above is a photo of Laura loving life as she rode the Turtles at Kennywood, which is evidently her most favorite ride ever. There was probably a Carpenters track playing in her head,  even. Too bad her life was about to change FOREVER a little bit later when she became involuntarily AMPUTATED on the PHANTOM’S REVENGE.

Shit, now I’m getting my parables mixed up.

Anyway, what happened was Laura, Chooch and I were walking toward the Exterminator (Henry was there somewhere) when Laura (this was all LAURA’S idea), threw a wrench into our well thought-out plan by saying, “Or we could just go on this…since we’re here…” and did a lazy Vanna White with her hands toward the entrance of the Phantom’s Revenge.

We had already went on this twice earlier in the day. The first time, we absolutely, postively walked right onto the platform and right the fuck onto the ride, that is how empty Kennywood was that day. Even on not-too-crowded days, there is still usually some sort of a line for this ride, because it’s the Big Shot Steel Coaster up in that piece, and everyone wants to take their turn on it, like the roofied guy at the sorority party. Oh wait. I’m sorry. I’m confusing genders.

The second time was actually a continuation of the first time, because when the coaster came back to the station, there was no one in line still, so the Kennywood peeps were all, “Hey, you guys can stay on if you want” so we did and it turns out that’s not so fun afterward, riding it with no break in between, when you’re in your thirties and not a seven-year-old like Chooch who was like, “THAT WAS AWESOME LET’S STAY ON THIS FOR THE REST OF THE DAY OMFG!!” as he pushed his eyeball back into its socket.

You should have seen Henry afterward, all clammy and green around the gills, wherever the hell his gills are, like he had just suffered through a particularly traumatizing Ludovico Technique featuring footage of all nine years of his loveless past marriage. (Past marriage.  Like there’s a present marriage. Hmph!)

So after Laura suggested riding it for the third time, Henry obviously was like, “Thank you sir, but I will NOT have another,” and proceeded to walk toward the exit of the Phantom’s Revenge, where he waited like an obedient puppy with his master’s purse. The rest of us ridiculed him for being a pussy and ran through the empty queue to the platform, where we saw there was a small line. We chose the seats that had the fewest number of people waiting and made sure that it was lined up evenly so that the three of us could get on at the same time.

Meanwhile, there was some sort of seat belt malfunction going on. The coaster was sitting there idly, full of passengers, but the ride attendants couldn’t send it off because of whatever was going on.

“We need someone to sit in this seat!” one of the teenaged boys in a Kennywood polo shouted. “There’s nothing wrong, but we can’t send this on with this car empty! It’s not a mechanical problem, just this one seatbelt!” And he was holding the seatbelt, too, as if that was going to reassure people.

And who wouldn’t be OK with putting their safety into the hands of a college kid on summer break?

Everyone started murmuring to each other about not wanting to ride in a car with a broken seat belt, even though it was only one of the seats in the car– the other one was apparently functioning properly, so only one person could sit in that seat. Some dumbass single rider was all, “Whatever, yeah, I’ll do it,” sparking a collective outcry regarding his stupidity. Some older woman in the line next to us was FREAKING THE FUCK OUT about this and her kids (her KIDS) were trying to calm her down. “They’re not going to let people ride it still if it’s actually broken, Mom!” one of the kids cried in frustration.

“But they’re using A REAL PERSON as a dummy!” she countered.

They sent the coaster up the hill, and we all turned and watched as it raced down the hill a minute later.

“No, he’s still on it. I saw him,” Laura assured me and Chooch. I wanted everyone to clap when the coaster returned to the platform with the idiot Single Rider still fastened into his seat, but everyone seemed to have lost interest by then.

However, that became the temporary designated single rider seat for the time being while the attendants waited for the maintenance guys to arrive with a new seatbelt. “Shit, they’re going to make me sit there!” Laura cried when it dawned on her what was going on. Chooch and I, of course, nearly gave up our asshole ghosts from laughing so hard at her future misfortune.

Just then, I looked ahead and noticed that the girl who was in front of us had moved over to the Broken Seat Belt Line, which meant that Chooch and I were next. We kind of half-heartedly tried to find someone to go ahead of us so that we could ride at the same time as Laura, but everyone behind us was perfectly lined up with their respective groups as well and didn’t want to give up their spots. So we shrugged a disgenuine “sorry” in Laura’s general direction, and then climbed into the car, leaving her alone on the platform. The guy behind her was laughing at our mock-sorrow, which made the whole situation even funnier to me.

When we came back to the station, we gave her a quick wave and then ran away to find Henry, who looked confused that we were short one person. So Chooch and I hysterically recounted the broken seatbelt situation (“I know, I saw the maintenance men go over there so I figured something was wrong,” Henry interrupted, fulfilling his inherent need to speak of any sort of man in uniform) and then started laughing even harder when we got to the part about ditching Laura.

“AND NOW SHE HAS TO SIT IN THE BROKEN SEAT!” we cried, doubling over in laughter.

“You two are both assholes,” Henry yelled at us, but that was the same time we realized that the coaster was ascending the inaugural hill, so Chooch and I ran closer to take a picture of what we were lovingly referring to as “Laura’s Last Ride.”

(Time out. I am going to pause here for a second so I can walk off this ridiculous laughter before I start alarming people at work again.)

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ENJOY YOUR LAST RIDE, LAURA!

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We ran back to Henry, who was scowling and trying to shrug away from his hyena-brood. At this point, I was on the pee-precipice and it wasn’t looking too good. Passers-by were starting to flash Chooch and I the “I wonder what they’re on” looks, which yes, I DO get a lot, now that you mention it.

And then finally, Laura came padding down the exit trail, looking disheveled and not very pleased.

We immediately started laughing harder. Oh, schadenfreude! My old friend!

“That was the most awkward ride ever!” Laura cried. Apparently, the maintence crew had fixed the seatbelt situation after Chooch and I got off the ride, so Laura wasn’t relegated to sitting in the Single Rider Death Seat. However, when she stepped across the seat to put her purse in one of the cubby holes, she turned around to discover that people behind her had taken her seat. So she had to walk around, looking for a car with an empty seat, and that is how she ended up sitting with some single dad. At this point in the story, Chooch and I raced over to look at the picture on the screen and then promptly lost our shit all the fuck over again. Even Henry mosied on over to take a gander at the photographical evidence of Laura’s misfortune.

The kid running the photo booth was kind of fake-laughing along with us, but it was clear he wasn’t sure what was so funny. Also unclear to him was whether or not he was going to make a sale on this one.

“Henry, PLEASE give me money to buy this!” I begged in my signature mouthful of laughs / Bobcat Goldthwaite voice. It’s Henry’s favorite part about me. Especially when it happens during sex.

“No!” he yelled. “I’m not paying $15 for that! That’s outrageous.”

“BUT IT’S WORTH IT TO ME!” I cried harder. I have got to stop leaving my wallet in the car when we go to amusement parks. This is bullshit.

And then something incredible happened! LAURA BOUGHT IT FOR ME! She didn’t seem too pleased about spending money on such an uncomfortable memory, but she did it anyway because she is a GOOD FRIEND. (Apparently, the OPPOSITE of what I am, according to Henry.)

The guy behind the photo counter was partially bemused, but mostly puzzled at this point, as Laura handed over her credit card with a sigh while Chooch and I flanked her in hysterical laughter. It’s like we’re drunk all of the time without actually consuming any alcohol. This is normal public behavior for us. Laughing so hard we need to lean on walls and people for support. Sometimes I lean on people I don’t even know because I can’t help myself, the laughter makes me walk on a slant, you guys.

When Laura handed me the photo, I blurted out, “You don’t have to get me a birthday present now!”

“I already did,” she sighed, with just a tinge of bitterness and regret.

Henry pointed out that Laura’s Temporary Husband also purchased one of the photos, which wound me up all over again. I wonder if it’s as funny to him?!!?

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HAHAHAHAHA BUT THIS PICTURE, THOUGH! Baby Mama Laura! Oh shit, I have to pee — BRB.

I have been actually crying about it at work, it is THAT funny to me, but everyone here is like, “It is not that funny, if at all” and “You’re so mean to your friends.”  And Henry is like, “No really, it’s not that funny” and “I can’t figure out how you have any friends at all.”   But Chooch and me? WE HAVE FIGURATIVELY BURIED OURSELVES IN A GRAVE OF IDIOCY from all of the laughing we’ve been doing. Team Dickhead FTW!

These past two days at work, Barb has basically been searching her desk for her imaginary OUT TO LUNCH sign every time she sees me approaching  because she knows I’m going to just stand there and have uncontrollable giggles usurp my ability to speak like a regular human being. However, at least she can appreciate the fact that it’s more of the backstory surrounding the photo that has legitimately cracked my sanity. Everyone else is just looking at me like I’ve lost my mind.

Just today, I was walking to the trolley and I started laughing all over again, and I mean LAUGHING. So I called Henry and said, “You have to stay on the phone with me because I’m walking down the street and laughing uncontrollably.” (Which actually isn’t anything out of the ordinary in my neighborhood.)

“What are you laughing about—-” Henry started. And then, “Oh. Never mind.”

But it was too late. My laughter upchucked out of my mouth like a galloping horse and I had to pause in a doorway of a store because I almost peed my pants in the middle of the sidewalk. I AM OUT OF CONTROL. This is what happens to me at amusement parks! I turn into a hyper dickhead and then suffer from residual giddiness for days afterward and you know who suffers? Henry! My co-workers! YOU! THE INTERNET!

And then that motherfucker Henry waited until I was on the trolley to text me the picture, which caught me off guard and I had to cover my face with my hair and laugh at my reflection in the stupid trolley window and then I started crying and people were looking and some asshole probably wrote a blog post about ME, can you imagine.

Sep 052018
 

Wow it’s been a while. Truth be told, if I don’t have my stupid reusable straw with me, I just won’t stop for coffee, and that’s nearly every day so that’s really saving me some money.

I was super excited last week when I stopped in Prestogeorge’s and saw that their special flavor was maple because maple is my favorite latte flavor, do you even know me. It always makes me thinks of going to Parker’s Maple Barn in New Hampshire with Alyson, where I learned that maple coffee existed and my life has never been the same. It’s my ultimate go-to fall flavor!

Every time I visit Presto, I am sucked right into the most comfortable small talk and generally, I am allergic to that shit, but those people there are so nice and not pretentious coffee dicks like at some places. So on this day, Laurie, the barista on duty, started talking to me about my apple tattoo and I was so happy that someone actually asked me what it was all about so I got to talk about being a bad apple, and she told me that she named her daughter Lilith and I felt like we really forging a bond here. I love talking about tattoos!

So as she was making my wonderful maple latte, some other broad came over to the register and was talking about how she’s so sick of young people being so obsessed with THINGS and all they want are THINGS and she kept saying THINGS with such disgust and contempt, and I started thinking about Chooch and his stupid Fortnite THINGS and felt myself getting all fired up like a typical old lady and then we started talking about how we want to bring back regular house phones and then IN THE AIR TONIGHT came on and motherfucker, I wanted to just pull up a chair and stay there for the rest of the day.

(Or at least until 4pm when they close.)

I went back yesterday and was excited because Laurie was working again but then CHER came over and yelled, “LAURIE GO TAKE YOUR BREAK” but Laurie was still making someone else’s drink so she was still hanging out while CHER made my latte and CHER was just not thrilled about anything that Laurie was doing, especially when she handed me my receipt and there was NO PEN at the register for me to sign BECAUSE LAURIE had moved it and I was like, “Look CHER I know that blush velour cold-shoulder top you have on is giving you all of the confidence right now, but can we lay off on Laurie because she’s cool as fuck” and also I didn’t really say that but I was thinking to myself that she looked like Matt Groenig had drawn her – her hair was pulled back into such a tight ponytail!

Her latte wasn’t as good as Laurie’s so that was my first mediocre experience there.

It was bound to happen.

Then last Friday, I swung by Crazy Mocha and there were different people in there than usual so I had major ordering anxiety for some reason and instead of the chai that I had intended on ordering, my eyes glanced at the pumpkin latte sign and I blurted it out and the guy who rung me up, a really sweet guy. started spouting off loudly about how I was their first pumpkin latte order of the season and do I really like pumpkin a lot, I must be so excited for pumpkin season, and I kept trying to interrupt to say that it was OK but kind of tired, you know, but it was too late because the sirens were going off and flood lights were swirling all around me while an overhead announcement was on repeat about how THIS BITCH IS BASIC. THIS BITCH IS BASIC. THIS BITCH IS BASIC. and the go behind the counter was going on and on about how soon they’ll have pumpkin biscooooooottttti, and pumpkin breeeeeeaaaad, and um, pumpkin mufffffffins and then the other guy was like HERE IS YOUR PUMPKIN LATTE, FIRST OF THE SEASON and I was like, “Thank you would you stfu please omg” and almost threw it straight into the garbage because my palate is now averse to pumpkin.

Then I had to walk past the weird urban campsite that was set up a block away – the strangest thing! A mixed bag of people were sitting in a semi-circle of wooden lawn chairs fitted with really old and dirty cushions, soda bottles all strewn about, and someone was in the middle of it all, sleeping on a mattress that looked like it had been pulled straight from a garbage truck.

“Maybe they’re protesting something,” Henry said when I described the scene to him.

“Uh, yeah, they didn’t look that ambitious,” I scoffed. It was so weird, they were taking up half the sidewalk right outside of a jewelry store, just lounging under a cloud of pot smoke.

They weren’t there yesterday so maybe a shop owner finally chased them away with a broom, who knows.

Today I went to Gasoline St. because I saw on their Instagram that the barista I didn’t like (he was like interacting with a potato and just really rubbed me the wrong way) left five days ago so I was like, “BYYYYYYYE ALEX” and then walked my ass over there because I have been crazing one of their foamy iced lattes. The girl who was working was super pleasant so now I’m excited to go here more often because anyplace that has cardamom lattes is a place for me.

Some older broad was there blowing her nose aggressively and started asking me questions about what I got and then had to walk over and look at the menu behind the counter because I guess she didn’t believe me?

“Oh yeah, there it is,” she said, satisfied with the results of her research.

She was still talking to me, but I was already walking out the door. I only do small talk at Presto.

And that’s the end of this pointless edition of lunch break coffee tales.

p.s. obviously:

Sep 042018
 

As I was sitting here wondering if I had anything worth recapping from the long weekend (aside from my glorious night alone where I was strong and rejected all urges to seek company because I really needed that time to decompress, turns out), I realized that all of my highlights pretty much revolve around food, and isn’t that everyone’s life, really?

So here’s a run-down of the foodstuffs that went into my mouth this past weekend.

Saturday morning started off with me being bitchy and it turns out it was because I was in need of second breakfast, specifically Asian bread which I had been craving. If you’ve ever had mochi bread, you know that chewy glutinous-goodness I speak of. We ate a wide variety of these kinds of breads (AND MILK BREAD, MY FAVORITE) for breakfast every morning in Korea and whenever I hear people reject Asian bread for being “weird,” I give them a long side-eye.

We stocked the fuck up at Sumi’s and Pink Box, plus Henry got a coveted Korean donut filled with thick, luscious red bean which is underrated here in the States as far as sweet fillings go.

Hot bread coming through is a fucking understatement for real though. I was so bitchy until I stuffed that green tea roll into my mouth. My only regret is that we didn’t buy more!!!

After that, we made our rounds to various ethnic markets and I really just how #blessed Pittsburgh really is to have such diverse grocery and food options. Sometimes I take this city for granted, and complain that we don’t have an H-Mart, but we really do have a ton of specialty markets! Just in my own little neighborhood, I can walk to a European market in one direction, or hit up both a Mediterranean and Mexican market to the right.

I tried to get Henry to take the plunge and buy the super-sized gochujang because the night before, he gave me my dinner and I was like THERE IS NO GOCHUJANG ON THIS THO? and he said IT WAS BECAUSE WE RAN OUT. That was like the first time in 2 years!? Anyway, he wouldn’t commit to the large container, and I know you’re shocked to hear that Henry wouldn’t commit to something.

Oh and don’t worry, I bought lots of candy for the work pumpkin!

Sunday night, we went to Apteka for dinner. I went there once last spring with Alisha when she was visiting because she is the only vegan/vegetarian friend I have and no one else wants to go to these joints with me and yes I know my SON is a vegetarian but he is the pickiest eater and anything with even a sprinkle of spice that’s not pepper will make him recoil.

But still, Henry and Chooch agreed to go with me because I have been dreaming of this place and its Polish twist on vegan cuisine ever since and Henry was like, “I AM GOING TO HATE EVERYONE IN THERE AREN’T I?” and I was like, “Wha—? Uh, no…..” but then as soon as we pulled up to it, there was a group of khaki-colored vegans hanging out in a pretentious huddle out front and Henry just glared at me.

Look, I have been a veg since 1996 (WANNA READ MY ORIGIN STORY!??!?!) and I still don’t “fit in” with this crowd to the point where I usually avoid vegan establishments all together because I feel like everyone is laughing at me behind their Zooey Deschanel bangs. Except apparently I have been avoiding it to the point where the trend has jumped from Zooey back to Chloe Sevigny because there was an entire table of girls near us who were dressed like her Big Love character and at first I was like, “OH LOOK WHO’S LAUGHING NOW” but then the one broad’s burlap pantsuit looked pretty comfortable in that “down home on the farm” kind of way and I found myself appreciating her sloppy Amish bun and oh my god, did the vegans contaminate me?!

I think the music was starting to make Henry lose his appetite but then his plate of vegan pierogi was placed down in front of him and he was like “Yeah boi.”

I made him pull his fork back so I could fit in better by taking a picture of his food.

Chooch got whatever the “special sandwich” was, something made from vegetable pate, and it promptly fell apart before I could take a picture of it to complete the Instafood trifecta because Chooch gets his eating skills from his mommy. He didn’t like the sauce on his sandwich so Henry had to scrape it off him. (I thought the sauce was lovely.) Chooch also suddenly had a “headache” which is his new excuse for why he’s acting like a little bitch in public. His attitude nearly ruined my meal.

Just kidding, because I GOT THE VEGAN SCHNITZEL AND IT WAS PERFECTION IN FAUX-FORM. Nothing could’ve ruined this except for if maybe someone had bled on it or something.

Then we got both desserts to share because we’re fat Americans.

A lot of times when I have vegan food I am so fucking hungry immediately after but this time I was properly stuffed and almost threw up later that night when we had a vigorous round of Family Kpop Cardio Night.

The next day was LABOR DAY and I had to work from 6am-noon because I’m a sucker and signed up for it but at least I got to work from home and I knew we were going to T-Swirl Crepes afterward so that kept me alive. I got the matcha adzuki crepe which doubled as my lunch and it was pretty much the crepe of my dreams.

Chooch actually almost cried because he didn’t know that the one he ordered didn’t come with ice cream but then he ended up loving it anyway and the moral of that story was that ice cream isn’t always necessary LOL j/k it really is. But Chooch’s was still really good without it. It was some apple caramel concoction and Henry had the Lychee Romantic but he just said, “I’ll have the lychee one” when he ordered it and I was pissed because I wanted to hear him say “lychee romantic.”

Well, that’s my pointless food roundup. Ciao for now.

Sep 022018
 

Earlier tonight, Henry and I walked out of the house for our nightly walk and I made eye contact with a kid just as he littered a plastic cup near my sidewalk and he quickly went back and picked it up, YEAH THAT’S RIGHT. I was prepared to say some shit about it too so he’s lucky. We walked behind him and his posse for a bit and I was happy to watch him throw his trash in a garbage can.

Still, this really set me off and poor Henry had to endure a 30 minute rant on littering and how I just don’t understand how some people are able to just toss their refuse onto the ground and walk away like it’s no big thing. If their parents never actually told them this is wrong, then that tells me they probably learned to litter by watching their trashy parents litter.

I have been known to go off on a litterer a time or two in my life.

Once was when I engaged in verbal fisticuffs with a teen who chucked her empty pack of cigarettes in front of my house while I was sitting on the porch and I told her to pick it up and she actually gave me push-back and I scanned her face intently trying to figure out if she was at least 18 in case I needed to yank her head back by her hair. I remember this so vividly because it was 2000 and I was waiting for my friend to pick me up for the Tool concert and when he found out that I had an actual argument with some probably-15-year-old, he was like, “YOU DIDN’T HIT HER DID YOU?! YOU COULD GO TO JAIL FOR THAT, DUMBASS.”

(No, I didn’t hit her. But I did win the City Girl Swear volley and she ended up picking that shit up.)

And don’t just think Americans litter, you guys. In 1992, we hosted a French foreign exchange student named Laurent and he annoyed me for a myriad of reasons but one was when he purposely let a McDonald’s straw wrapper fly out the car window on the way to the zoo. I was in the backseat behind his French ass and I leaned in real close to yell, “HEY I DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY DO IN YOUR COUNTRY, BUT IN MINE, WE DON’T LITTER” as if America isn’t full of pigs. Oh man, my mom was so mad at me because there goes Erin, making the French kid cry again.

(He cried so much that summer.)

But I think my crowning glory was when I ratted on an actual cop for littering, wanna hear it, here it goes:

It was the middle of a lazy May afternoon in Hamilton, Ohio, 2007. Christina and I were lounging around her room and I was making her cry by talking about how I hate God. I suppose I should have been penciling in a time for church in my day planner since “He” evidently spared our lives the night before when we got caught in the midst of a hail storm on our way from Pittsburgh to Ohio. It was probably the single most terrifying moment of my life and it took place right after I had been talking about Hell.

Over top of Christina’s mighty exaltation for her love of all things Christ, I heard the squelch of a siren from behind her house. We ran over to the window and discovered that there were two police officers on the street behind her house and they had pulled over a man in a truck. It seemed like it was just a traffic violation and I was quickly becoming bored. Luckily, I hung around long enough to witness the most appalling act of crime I have ever seen with these hazel eyes.

The officers were beginning to wrap things up and as the one cop made to get into the passenger side of the patrol car, he poured out the remainders of a can of what appeared to be Pepsi and then deliberately tossed the empty can into Christina’s back yard.

“Oh no he didn’t!” I exclaimed to Christina, right before shaping a makeshift megaphone with my hands and shouting “LITTERER!” and then ducking, leaving Christina framed alone in the window looking like the sole perpetrator.

Stomping over to her bed, I grabbed my shoes and sat down hard.

“What are you doing?” Christina asked nervously.

“I’m going out there.” I walked out of the bedroom and bounded down the steps, leaving her pleas in a cloud of my dust. She caught up with me before I made it to the back door and grabbed my arms.

“Look, I really don’t think going out there is a good idea. The cops around here are dicks.” She had thrown herself between me and the door so I knew she meant business. I walked dejectedly back into her kitchen as she explained to me that her neighborhood is kind of bad and that the cops are always looking for a reason to, well, be cops and that she really didn’t want to have to make that call to Henry.

“Henry!” I exclaimed in remembrance of my boy-toy in Pittsburgh. “Let’s call him for legal counsel.” And of course he wasn’t home. I left a message and that dickshitter never called back because he figured it was “something stupid” I was calling about, as I would later learn.

The cops had left by then, leaving me alone with a heightened sense of extreme community failure. I didn’t want it be over yet so I continued pacing and spouting vulgarities until I finagled Christina into calling the police station. “We have their patrol car number! Do it, Christina, for all of us civilians. And the environment. It’s God’s will.” I knew that would clinch it.

Christina finally relented, only because she didn’t want me making the call because supposedly I’m too “hot-headed.” But I would have used words like ‘reprehensible’ and ‘detestable’ to convey to the sergeant how appalled I truly was. And I would have thrown in the words ‘law’ and ‘suit’ somewhere in between mention of dying babies and that our earth is God’s playground (HAHA).

But Christina still wouldn’t hand over the phone; she was eventually dispatched through to Sgt. Ebbing (a man I will never forget, bless his heart). Explaining the complaint, she actually said, “Sir, I know this may seem trivial.”

Excuse me, trivial? Are you kidding? That prick littered in her back yard. He did something that people like us would get fined for. Oh, I was livid. She was being too nice and congenial during the phone call and my body was burning. I started to envision what would have happened if I had managed to get out of her house while the cops were still there. They don’t scare me.

This was when I decided that I really, truly, and legitimately hated that littering officer. My ears were roaring with the sound of large, wavering sheets of metal and my heart was pounding like I had just run ten yards after ingesting fourteen fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches and an eight ball. I imagined scratching his face (out of malice, not passion) and striking his nose with the heel of my palm in an upward motion, just like Mr. Miyagi taught me. Then I would retrieve his discarded aluminum can and crush it against his jock.

Oh heaven, I have finally reached you through my fantasies.

Christina ended the call and jolted me out of my daydream. She explained to me that Sgt. Ebbing was going to call her back once he reprimanded the officers and that he also informed her that she could go to the courthouse and file for a citation, to which she said would not be necessary (I would have done it – fuck the police). I felt a tiny bit reassured and calmer but Christina was a little leery that Sgt. Ebbing had asked for her full name and address. “I’m a pot head! What if they’re going to be watching me now?”

“What do I care? I live in Pittsburgh.” And then I laughed. And if you know me, you know that laugh, and are probably wanting to bitch-slap me just at the mere thought of it.

In the meantime, we called Henry to fill him in. “You didn’t go out there, did you?” was the first utterance from his fat mouth. I began to feel a complex developing and asked, “No, I didn’t go out there but would it really have been so bad if I had?”

“Uh, yeah!” he answered. “With your temper? I don’t need to be bailing you out of jail.” I have to say I’m a little insulted that I’m not trusted to handle situations such as this one on my own. But Christina was happy because Henry shared in her apprehension.

Sgt. Ebbing called back about two hours later (presumably because he was banging broads in the drunk tank), at which time Christina’s sister Cynthia answered the phone and yelled to Christina, “I don’t fucking know who it is!” The sergeant (I don’t trust him, by the way; I think he’s a cocksucker to be honest with you) relayed the disciplinary action that was sanctioned, and might I add it only entailed asking the officers if it was true and then telling them to come back and pick up the can.

But he lied to us and I know it. Sgt. Ebbing, you’re a lying cocksucker. He told Christina that the officer admitted to tossing the can, which was purportedly an “illegal can of beer” which was confiscated from the man who had been pulled over. In the midst of the confusion while they were making an arrest, it must have slipped the officer’s mind that he had littered.

Except that I didn’t see them make an arrest. I saw the man get back in his truck and leave. What did they say, “Just meet us at the station”? Oh, I don’t think so.

In other words, the sergeant wanted us to think that it was admirable of the officer to be honest about the littering, but at the same time he tried to make us feel guilty or ashamed that these men were in the throes of serving justice and that they should be excused of such a trivial act.

“I’m going out there to wait for them to come pick up the can,” I announced as I ran for the door. Christina came with me and we discovered that the can was no longer there. That asshole sergeant waited for them to come pick it up before calling back because he knew that I was about to get all Firestarter on their asses. I just know it!

I don’t feel like justice was served. And I didn’t get to swear at anybody.

But then Christina plied me with pie and the day quickly turned into “Sgt. Ebbing who now?”

MORAL: Don’t fucking let me catch you littering, better yet – JUST KEEP YOUR TRASH TO YOURSELF UNTIL YOU FIND A GARBAGE CAN. ASSHOLES.

Sep 012018
 

HIGH GUISE here I am. So, a few months ago, Chooch helped his chorus teacher write an essay for some contest to win money for their music program and it turns out, she was one of the teachers who won! She got some prize money for the school, but also a bunch of tickets to see Pentatonix tonight at KeyBank and I politely declined because Pentatonix is a no for me so Henry grudgingly took him instead.

What this means is that YO GIRL IS HOME ALONE TONIGHT WOOOOO! I considered inviting some people over to hang out but I don’t feel like cleaning and I also didn’t want to change out of my workout clothes, so it’s just me and the cats tonight and in the first hour, I watched some more of Sharp Objects (I have to look away during the cutting/self harm scenes) and then burnt my hand, so things are going great.

I just realized that if Boots* still lived next door, I never would have opted to stay home. And speaking of Boots, turns out he’s out of jail now because I thought I saw him down the street two weeks ago on my way home from work but Henry was like, “That wasn’t him, unless he got clean.” But then last week, I fucking walked right past him downtown and I KNOW it was him, but he just got a little chubby. Then TODAY, Chooch was getting his hair cut at a barber shop on the boulevard so I was strolling around, and that fucking piece of shit walked past me with some older broad pushing A BABY STROLLER. I texted Henry, who was in the barber shop, and said, “I THINK BOOTS IS COMING YOUR WAY” and Henry agreed that it could be him. So then I came back to the barber shop about twenty minutes later and was sitting on a bench waiting for Chooch, when they walked past me again and stood near me while waiting to cross the street and he loudly asked the broad, “DO YOU WANT TO GO OVER THERE AND GET A SODA” and as soon as I heard that high-pitched weasel voice, I was like, “OH FUCK, IT’S HIM” so I turned around in the bench and just blatantly stared at them as they crossed the street, I didn’t even pretend to be covert about it, and then!!! Some guy stopped his car in the middle of the boulevard to yell out the window, “GET AWAY FROM MY GIRLFRIEND, YOU TOOTHLESS COCKSUCKER!!!” and like everyone on the street stopped to stare, and I was like, “OH SHIT IS THIS MAN GOING TO GET OUT OF HIS CAR AND KILL HIM” but then Boots, the broad, and the screamer in the car all started cracking up because I guess they are FRIENDS and I was so disappointed. Anyway, that broad definitely wasn’t Phyllis but shit, as soon as she started talking, I was like, “Yes, that is exactly how I expected her to sound.” All stupid and slow-sounding, you know? And I don’t know what was going on with that baby but she looked like she could be its grandma.

I wonder if it was stolen.

So yeah, Boots lives in Brookline again, which is just fucking swell.

*(Friendly reminder that Boots was neighbor who got arrested before my LAST neighbor who got arrested.)

Also, I thought that Brookline was starting to clean up its act but those 10 minutes sitting a bench was pretty eye-opening. Also pretty sure a drug deal happened in front of me so that was great.

After I try to make dinner, I’m chucking all the furniture out the window and doing Kpop cardio all night long, as vigorously as I fucking want. Not that I wouldn’t any other time, but whatever. So I’m going to post several of the latest Kpop songs that have me doing the running man in front of the mirror while I’m getting ready for work, just in case you feel like having your own k-dance party tonight too.

I think these girls have what it takes to become the next big girl group and I really hope it happens because I love them.

So I used to not like NCT Dream very much because the first song I heard by them was Chewing Gum and it just didn’t sit right with me. But this one hooked me.

Day6 is always just on my periphery but this song made me really really really notice them. I know it’s a moot point, but I think they would have been a really cool addition to Warped Tour. They’ve had Japanese bands on in the past but as far as I know, no Korean bands.

I know BTS’s comeback has been totally oversaturating the media, but their comeback stage for Idol is so energetic and aesthetically pleasing! I sent it to my group yesterday for Friday Video and Lauren was so excited to tell us which outfit was her favorite, Amber said she wouldn’t have wanted to start the day any other way, and Todd said something about Kpop being the best ever and used like 17 exclamation points so I had to walk over to his desk and ask him if he was being sarcastic because I couldn’t tell, OK?! (He was.)

(But then he showed me which outfit he liked the best.)

Thanks to my friend Veronica for the heads up on this one! She is a huge EXO fan and I only know a little about them but now I think Baekhyun might be my EXO bias after hearing him apart from the rest of EXO. It’s cool how recognizable his voice is though because while this was playing yesterday Chooch walked by and casually asked, “Is this EXO?”

We saw these guys last year at KCON and they were so wonderful but they somehow keep flying under the radar. This is their latest and I love it so much but one of my favorite Kpop workout channels made a routine for this and it frustrates me because there is a weird arm movement that I’m not coordinated enough to do BUT HEY MAYBE I CAN PRACTICE IT 9734072497 TIMES TONIGHT!

Have I already shared this one? Who cares, this song is great and is usually always in my head.

OK, now I have to try and make some type of dinner, work on new card and pendant designs, and then dance myself into a stupor.