I lost my best friend this morning and I can’t fucking process it. One minute, Drew was standing on the beverage buffet, looking at the birds. I was standing next to her, petting her and talking to Henry on the phone. I had just hung up with Henry and started to walk back to my desk when I heard a thud. I turned around and Drew was laying on her side on the floor, convulsing, her tongue protruding. I was screaming BAMBI! BAMBI! (that’s Chooch’s name for her and I call her that more than Drew, too) and then I called Henry and screamed “I THINK BAMBI IS DYING COME HOME” and then I ran next door to HNC’s house and straight up banged on his front door. Poor guy was so bewildered when he opened it and I was like CAN YOU TAKE ME TO THE EMERGENCY VET I THINK MY CAT IS DEAD and he was like Jesus Christ let me get dressed real fast (he had pants on at least) and then I ran back into the house but you guys, I knew it. I knew she was gone. She was limp in my arms and I was begging her to come back and even by the time HNC got me to the vet down the street, only about 5 minutes had passed but it was too late. They couldn’t do anything and I am still sitting here crying like I’m going to throw up, haven’t cried like this in 9 years – when I lost Marcy. I just don’t understand how this happened. She was fine, we sat on the porch before work, she had her treats, she was like ” INORITE” as I was on an endless call to the help desk right when I logged on to work. And then she just wasn’t alive anymore. SHE JUST WASN’T ALIVE ANYMORE.

I want to punch something so hard.

I wanted to punch everyone at the vet.

The vet said that it was likely a blood clot that went straight to her brain, there wasn’t nothing that could have detected it, nothing they could have done or I could have done like that is supposed to make me feel any better knowing that the one living being I spend most of my time with, literally SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER, is just not here now and there is no going back, there is nothing to undo it and I am so fucking pissed and depressed and traumatized and I don’t FUCKING UNDERSTAND.

I was sitting alone in the cry room when Henry and Chooch showed up – Chooch was home when this happened but he was asleep and I don’t know how he didn’t hear me screaming but I didn’t want to waste time trying to wake him up and I don’t know if that was the wrong choice or not but he didn’t know that she had died when they showed up even though I had texted Henry and told him and then all three of us just stayed in this tiny room holding her and crying and even Henry who never emotes was crying and how is this happening. Why, I don’t understand she is my best friend and now I feel so alone immediately.

SHE WAS ONLY 8 YEARS OLD.

It feels like I only JUST said goodbye to Marcy and now that same pain is happening all over again. I feel so sick. I feel so bad for Chooch. Bambi was his baby. When we adopted her, I went into it with my heart still hurting from Marcy and I said to myself, “This is for Chooch. This is what Chooch needs and I am doing this for Chooch” and I swore that I would love the new cat, I’m not a monster, but I didn’t want to get attached. And of course I got attached instantaneously. I thought about her all day at work the next day and was so excited to go home and play with her. And then right after that we adopted her sister Penelope and they don’t really like each other all that much but Penelope knows. She can sense it and she’s being really mopey and weird and I hate this for all of us and now I can’t sing my “It’s one and two and two and ones!” to them anymore when I walk into the room and I don’t think Henry will miss that but maybe secretly.

I want to always remember how she has been afraid of the threshold to our bedroom since she was a kitten and to this day (ugh) she would very tentatively approach and then fucking LEAP across the room straight onto our bed, usually landing on my groin and causing me to scream in agony.

I want to always remember how she would wait for Henry to get comfortable on the couch and then decide that she wanted to sit beneath the throw blanket that I keep on that side of the couch and he’d go, “Ugh, fine you asshole” and move over, and then hold up the blanket so she could burrow under it.

I want to always remember how she would jump on Chooch’s shoulders when she was a younger cat.

I want to always remember how she would interact so docilely with the squirrels BUT HATED THE BIRDS.

She was so jumpy and sensitive. One time I had my hair in a ponytail and she for some reason didn’t recognize me and slowly backed away.

No one else ever really got to meet her or experience her quirks because it was STRANGER DANGER every time someone came over, but for us three, she was such a GIGANTIC part of our household and our lives. Like, she was ALWAYS with us.

She called treats “trits” and if I spelled “Is it t-r-i-t-s time?” she would run to the kitchen and wait. She and Penelope eat their trits on fine China saucers (well, from Goodwill).

I am so unbelievably wrecked. She is so special to us. I thought we had so many more years. I thought Chooch would go away to college and I could taunt him with pictures of Bambi loving me more and forgetting all about him. I just, I really thought that.

Wow. This weekend was…a weekend. Every time I suggest going away somewhere, Henry reminds me that we “just” went to Korea and I’m like “yeah but that was in March?” and then he proceeds to teach me economics – which I never took in high school or college and baby it shows.

So, it was another lowkey weekend. It’s fine. I’ll survive. One day when I’m retired and living off my fat pension – OH WAIT lol.

Here are some things that happened that were notable-ish:

• Friday night, Henry and I played tennis. Well, I played tennis. I felt like I was starting to really get my serve-groove back so that was a nice start to the weekend!
• We went to Michael’s and got stuff for the graduation party and I spent a lot (A LOT) of time going putting photos in folders to be printed for embarrassing collages to be displayed. I’m excited for this party to come and go.
• Henry and I walked to Potomac Station for some afternoon delights (the actual kinda not the skyrockets in flight kinds) and had a nice chat with the owner! HE IS SO FRIENDLY and that just made me like the place that much more. He even showed me a sneak peek at the July drink menu which will be debuting later in the week and yo—get your ass to Dormont because you’re gonna wanna try these! Also, one of the treats we brought home was an ube tea cake and PERCY, HOLD ME BACK because I’m about to walk my fat ass back there right now and get another (thank god for my vanity they’re closed now I think lol). Ugh, so good. That combined with the humidity put me in an afternoon malaise though and it was hard to shake it off.
• Spent all weekend rooting for and obsessing over Seventeen being the first kpop group to perform at the legendary Glastonbury Festival in the UK which, if you even sort of know me, you’ll know that I have always wanted to go to this festival when the Cure is headlining but have never made it there (yet?). Anyway, I have been seeing really awesome comments online from random British festival attendees who were raving about the performance – a lot of these comments were from middle-aged men too and I was like so proud like these are my 13 sons, yo. And NME rated their performance a perfect 5/5. I’m dead.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C8z5lSqpHkK/?igsh=MXgxOXN4eDMydTRsdg==">https://www.instagram.com/reel/C8z5lSqpHkK/?igsh=MXgxOXN4eDMydTRsdg==

Seungkwon has that crowd eating from his hand and I love to see it.

• We hadn’t seen our neighborhood friend Bob and his corgi Spencer in what feels like several mths. Usually, we’d see him strolling by Spencer at least once a day, then suddenly – nothing. So Chooch walked over to his house on Saturday to do a neighborly wellness check (I love that he did this on his own! He is actually a good kid sometimes) and it turns out that the Spencer household is fine – Bob hurt his back and hasn’t been able to walk Spencer but other than that, things are ok thank god. Chooch ended up staying for over an hour chatting with Bob and his wife Ann, and offered to walk Spencer but apparently, Spencer will not go without Bob. Ann said she can’t even walk him! Anyway, we are all relieved to know that nothing dire has happened.

• Chooch went to his friend’s girlfriend’s birthday party last night which was APPARENTLY ALSO A SLEEPOVER, calm down Erin, your son is an 18-year-old high school graduate, he does not need a permission slip from your old ass. Anyway, while he was gone, Henry and I watched the Brats documentary because, while I already wanted to see it, after I listened to the guys from the DVE morning show talking about it with one of the St. Elmo’s Fire writers when we were en route to Allentown last week, I was like, “No, I’m scheduling this for Saturday night.” I mean, what else do Olds do these days on Saturday nights?? Breweries or stay the fuck home, I feel like?? Unless someone invites us out, you can catch Henry and me sitting on the couch, watching YouTube. ANYWAY, so we watched the documentary and wow, I had no idea that any of this was going on at the time. I mean, also I was like 5 or 6 and not reading newspapers or watching talk shows, so how would I know that those group of actors ABHORED the label “The Brat Pack.” Yeah, it was depressing. I partially knew going into it thanks to DVE that it was going to be like that, but I really had hoped there would have been more “here’s footage of the Brat Pack hanging out together” except that, well, if you watch the damn thing, you will know that they LEGIT DID NOT HANG OUT TOGETHER.
• When I was scrolling through my YouTube feed this morning, one of the Korea channels I subscribe to popped up and the title was GOODBYE BEEMO and the thumbnail was them sitting on a couch with a MEMORIAL PICTURE OF THEIR CAT IN FRONT OF THEM and I fucking burst into tears with such a quickness. The absolute worst. My heart breaks every time someone loses a beloved pet whether I know them or not. Hate it.
• Henry is on an avocado toast kick which is weird because he’s Henry, with a palette designed for Slim Jim’s and Moon Pies. He got one at Dunkin’ yesterday (weird) and then made his own this morning (and it was good??!!).
• Today, we went to my friend WONKA’S daughter’s grad party in Boyce Park! It was such a beautiful day! The food was good, I ate cake and played Badminton, had some solid chats with Jess, and Henry and Chooch did drone things with Wonka. And we pet dogs! And we ate cold grapes coated in a moderately sweet cream cheese concoction that were addictive! It was a really good time but also lowkey depressing that we have children who have graduated from high school. Here is a picture of when Wonka came to visit right after Chooch was born – Anais was about 5 or 6 mths old here! Fast forward 17 years and Wonka would be Chooch’s mentor for some senior project that he had to do. Chooch has always had a nice bond with Wonka and I wish I could go back in time and ask him to be Chooch’s godfather instead of the guy who hasn’t been a part of Chooch’s life at all after his first year BUT THAT’S FINE HE WAS ONLY MY BEST FRIEND AT THE TIME AND I NEVER WOULD HAVE IMAGINED THAT CHANGING BUT YOU DO YOU DO. (*angry panting*)

OK on that bitter endnote, I do not anticipate anything noteworthy happening now (well, now that I typed that…) because it’s almost 8PM. Bye.

Oh shit, this has to be one of my favorite Chooch-eras of all time. He rocked that purple hair, then pink, then pink and blue, then just straight-up bleached for a good year, year and a half. The annoying part is that at the time, other kids in his school weren’t dying their hair yet, going to Warped Tour, etc. so he got bullied that year and it was really fucked up. OK, I’m getting all pissed off again, nearly 10 years later, and that wasn’t the intention of this blast from the past!

I definitely want to include at least one of these at his graduation party, but I know he’ll be pissed, haha.

OK, enjoy the pictures and whatever words I wrote back then (I didn’t look at that part).

________________________________________________________

Incredibly, Chooch agreed to an impromptu photo shoot today when I came home from work and didn’t even ask for money or Skylanders in return. And I know exactly why.

Chooch has a “girlfriend” apparently. She’s someone from his class and before school ended, they exchanged Instagram names. So now he’s all about pictures of himself, so that he can post them and then tag her to see if she’ll say anything. Usually it’s things like, “You’re weird.”

So he was like, “Yeah let’s do this thang.”

His go-to pose.

His hair combined with his loud mouth make it easy to keep tabs on him when he’s out and about.

Obligatory Flock of Seagulls shot.

In other news, taking in-focus photos is becoming increasingly harder for me to accomplish because my eyesight is getting so horrible but I still haven’t made an appointment to get them checked because I LIVE DANGEROUSLY. Also because I constantly forget to do adult things.

(8:07am) Good morning party people, we’re currently en route to Allentown, PA to spend a few hours at Dorney Park. They have a new dive coaster and we need that cred. It takes a bit over 4 hours to get there so I really had to plead my case to Henry on this one haha.

We were just listening to one of the writers of St. Elmo’s Fire talking on WDVE in the wake of the Brat Pack doc and now I am desperate to watch that movie again – one of my faves when I was a teen!! Henry just admitted that he doesn’t think he ever watched the whole thing, oh my godddddd. Guess that’s what we will be doing this weekend.

(8:36am) Since my last check-in, we grabbed morning sustenance at Dunkin, Henry went the wrong way and denied it, then almost went through a redlight RIGHT IN FRONT OF COP and acted like it was NBD even though he did a HARD STOP that threw me forward and if it had me driving, Henry would have lambasted me and revoked my license because I’m a WOMAN.

(10:28am) Just stopped at a restaurant area in Sideling Hill whatever that means and Henry is being so annoying and also breathing heavy.

(11:51am) Welcome back to The Rest Stop Report. Just stopped at one outside of Harrisburg. Bathroom was clean. Came out to some weird hullabaloo at the vending machines where Henry was standing with a fistful of dollars like he was in the pit at a strip club, while Chooch was like GET ME THIS GET ME THAT. The vending machine had TUNA AND CRACKERS. I wanted Henry to get it for an experiment (a Will This Kill a Man experiment, specifically) but he ended up getting nothing so I don’t know what all that singing and dancing was for.

Apparently a package of Veggie Sticks was half sticking out and Chooch wanted Henry to shake the machine to see if he could knock it loose but Henry’s excuse was that “someone was working there” – bitch where? We saw no such employee. This was just his excuse to not have to be exposed for WEAKNESS.

(1:06pm) we made it!

(1:27pm) Iron Menace, the new one, down for maintenance ugh!

So we came to Steel Force and had to wait for them to clean a seat that someone puked in!

Also Chooch was a bitch about this picture. God forbid I’m trying to collect MEMS of our last summer together before he sets collegiate sail ugh.

(2:36pm) Hello from a table after eating cheese flatbread and witnessing Henry having a shit fit because he ate more than his share of a fried tasty kake krinkle (??) and we called him out on it. My least favorite thing about him is when he gets all high and mighty and gaslighty, wherein he acts like he’s this PERFECT MAN who never does anything wrong.

“You have a Saint complex!” I cried. “And I’ll tell you exactly who gave it to you – your mother!”

It’s true. He can do no wrong in her eyes and she makes sure everyone knows it. If only she knew the Henry we know!!

Anyway, Iron Menace was chefs kiss! Chooch’s 351st credit!

Also, it’s this babe’s 100th bday and she is riding gloriously like a young lady!

Still pouting lol.

(2:45pm) LOL HE WONT EVEN SIT NEAR US ON THE TRAIN.

(3:09pm) FORGOT HOW TERRIFYING THIS IS.

(3:28pm) Slowest log flume ops.

(5:32pm) We just pulled out of Dorney so I will do little recaps here and there on the 4.5 hour drive home (ugh) but wow what a nice day except for when Henry threw his little bitch fest earlier over lunch. He’s sort of ok now.

Look at this cute shirt I bought!!!! I was going to get a Steel Force shirt but then I saw this and had to snatch it because CLOWN LOVE.

(5:44pm) At Trivet Diner whatever that means. Our server is very nice so far and is sorry that they don’t have almond milk for the cold brew that I am about to regret ordering.

Also our server likes my sunglasses and the cold brew is good so this is going well :)

Better than listening to Chooch recount all the times I acted like a baby in Stockholm. Ugh. When I pointed out that it was because he ruined my life because I wanted to go to the Vasa museum but we went to the Viking museum instead, he put on this really slow, drawl of condescension and said, “And we could have gone there too. You looked in and suddenly you said we couldn’t go because you wanted to eat instead, so then we had to go and eat. Remember.”

Um wait. Hahah hold up now hunny. What now?!

(6:26pm) one of the servers called over another server when I was paying because she wanted her (Crystal apparently) to see my phone case and Chooch mumbled “wow are you happy now, it’s all you ever wanted.”

We just left and I’m lamenting that I didn’t leave a big enough tip (more than 25%) and Henry and Chooch yelled in tandem, “it was plenty!” I’m sorry but NORA was NICE.

(6:42pm) At Sheetz and the power went out! A bad storm is on the horizon and I’m lowkey terrified because we’re going to be driving into it. :/

Here are some dreamy pictures from Dorney <3 the only slight downside was the ops on talon. Literal station wait yet it took us so long to get on and sent that Henry looked like he forgot who we were when we rejoined him. Also on the way there, a guy running one of the games kept yelling “Win your mom a prize! Hey, win your mom a prize! Where are you going?! Your mom wants a prize!” And then to the two boys behind us, “Hey win that kid’s mom a prize.” Lol.

Ok thoughts – loved it in the back/middle. Did NOT love it second row/last seat on right. I felt like a rag doll in a bad way. But overall what a great addition. I love the industrial makeover that whole section of the park got.

Steel Force Club Forever!! Chooch ride it two back-to-back times before we left. The second time, there was barely anyone waiting in the station so we just jumped up a few rows. The guy who got in behind us was like “Ooh you guys skipped the line! I saw what you did! Don’t worry I won’t tell” and then to Chooch he said “Your mom cracked the code!” But it was totally Chooch who chose to do this after seeing another girl do it on the first ride we were on that round. I remember the last time we were there in 2019, it was similar low crowds and we asked if we could stay on and the line attendant was like NO U HAVE TO GET BACK IN LINE and it was RIDIC because they were sending trains with like four people in them.

Anyway. Steel Force is so good. After we ride it the first time today, we did go all the way around and got back in line, only to get on a train and then have the ride attendants yell EVERYONE OUT because someone puked. The ride op in his little hut yelled AGAIN?? into his microphone because it had legit JUST happened before we rode the first time and we had to wait for them to clean it and send it empty. But yeah, happened again less than 10 minutes later! This time they had to wait for more cleaning supplies so they asked everyone to leave the line.

The real question: WAS IT THE SAME PERSON.

There was a ride attendant named OMAR on Talon and he was nice but slow AF and everyone was like OMAR! when our train was on the brake run while the slow-ass ops were preparing to send the train in the station. Omar seemed like he liked the attention but I don’t think the kids calling for him had good intentions.

Chooch hating life.

Telling me I can have some of his dippin dots if I could find a spoon on the ground because he’d rather a dirty floor-spoon go into his dippin dots than one that had already previously been in my mouth how sweet.

I love the color palette of the enterprise!!! Also I miss the enterprise at Kennywood and hate the replacement they put in.

Somehow we missed the kiddie cred in 2019. This was one of the most jerky/janky kids coasters I’ve ever ridden. I hated it lol.

There was almost someone who puked on the Tilt a Whirl too and that someone was me lol. Whoooo this was a doozy on a hot-ass day. Look at creepster Henry on the wall.

(8:42pm) Ugh Henry is making me drive. BRB.

(10:10pm) UGHHHHH at a rest stop finally – it was / is raining so hard with lighting everywhere and I was silently screaming as I white-knuckled the steering wheel, trying not to hydroplane on the fucking turnpike, while Henry relaxed in the passenger seat. I hate him. Now he’s inside the rest stop probably treating himself to some snacks from 7-eleven fucking asshole.

Also I wish our 7-elevens were like Asian ones and were actually fun to stop at.

I’m publishing this now because my muscles hurt from being clenched for the last hour and I want to do some calming breathing exercises or something (sometimes I miss my smoking years because this would be one of those CALLS FOR A CAMEL moments of yesteryear) but maybe I’ll stop back with one or two more updates, who knows.

(11:19pm) just checking in to say we passed through the Squirrel Hill tunnel and I want everyone to know that Henry got to drive the last leg home in perfectly dry weather MUST BE NICE.

FULLY obsessed with the latest Red Velvet comeback, the song itself is majestic, the Midsommar-concept of the video is haunting and perfect for the song, and of course I love seeing the RV girls back in action. SM needs to care more about them, I fucking swear to god. This video is so aesthetically pleasing.

Now I want to go and watch Midsommar again – it’s been too long. (It came out in 2019?!)

Chooch went out with his friends yesterday and next thing I knew, he was texting me pictures of the guts of a dilapidated church. I was like, “Omg this is so cool! Let’s go back and do a photoshoot there, I’ll pay you!” But then I found out it’s in a…not good area and also I’d have to CLIMB into it, so, that’s a no for me, Nigel.

He sent me all the pictures he took and some of them are really quite striking so I wanted to post them here because you can bet I will never climb through a window of a broke-down church in East Liberty to get my own shots. I mean, I might end up getting other kinds of shots, if you know what I mean. o.O

Free ur self / Love ur self.

Chooch could have played Kitty Cat Play Time, the original piece he wrote with his piano teacher, Cheryl. I bet it would have sounded extra haunting.

I didn’t see all of the TREACHEROUS photos until after he was home, THANK GOD because these gave me jello legs and I am not thrilled that he was trouncing around on the precipice of danger.

This sounds like the name of a stupid story I would have written for Blogathon.

There’s a video of him and his friends walking up those steps and standing on this ROTTED WOOD GLASS-STREWN FLOOR so I’m realllly not a happy mommy about that. But this photo is cool.

This made me think back to the time I did an overnight investigation with a local ghost hunting group at an abandoned elementary school in South Park and saw graffiti left behind by Blake and his friends, lol.

I really liked this shot but I’m not stoked thinking about where exactly he was when he took it. THE ROOF?!

THAT’S HOW THEY GOT INSIDE NO THANK Q.

Well, that’s all for me, the lady who is now living vicariously through her 18-year-old kid because she has nothing great going on in her own life currently, boo hoo.

1. She’s Not Sorry – Mary Kubica

Love me a domestic thriller. This was almost a 4. I genuinely did enjoy it but the plot kind of went haywire at a certain point, almost like she had ideas for two books and then decided to smash it together into one. The one storyline was VERY predictable, not connected, and completely unnecessary. But the twist in the main plot was A GOODIE.

2. Funny Story – Emily Henry

OK, if this has been the first Emily Henry book I had ever read, then 5 stars, easy. But, Happy Place is the gold standard, as far as I’m concerned, and this just didn’t quite reach that level. So, solid 4 stars it is. Emily Henry writes the best side characters – every single one has a purpose, an intention, dialogue unique to their personality. I know I have said this before, but once upon a time, I went to college for English writing and this is the snappy, whippy, smart and sardonic dialogue that I used to strive for. You know, back when I “wrote.” Sigh. Emily Henry’s books are such a fun summertime escape for me and I really think that the only thing that would make them better would be if I was reading it poolside. In Wildwood, maybe. Nothing too fancy.

3. Nigh Watching – Tracy Sierra

Remember what I was just saying about Emily Henry’s knack for realistic, smart dialogue? This book ain’t that. It was FINE but also, what. Just a whole lotta gaslighting and WTF is happening now. It starts immediately with a home invasion and I was worried that the entire book was going to be married to this one event – the man searching the house, the mom and two kids hiding in the panic room. But, it does move on to other settings, and there are also flashback chapters.

This might be one of those times where the audiobook ruined the book for me. Narrator’s natural voice was fine but when she started doing other voices it was just annoying. There’s an entire chapter where the main lady’s voice is raspy and SHE DID THIS AWFUL VOCAL FRY-esque thing which was like the nails of influencers circa 2015 on a chalkboard.

Actually the book itself was pretty mid regardless.

4.  The Vacation House – Jane Shemilt

Yooooo. I picked this up on a whim from the library and almost DNF’d it because of a slow start. But man, this caught me off guard how much I loved it. A book about rapists getting their comeuppance. We love to read it.

Really frustrating to see how the victim’s family was completely torn apart while the perps went on to live their best lives, which is so often the case.

5.  Worry – Alexandra Tanner

I mean, one of the characters is a rescue dog named Amy Klobuchar, so that should clue you in to the irreverence that is Alexandra Tanner’s writing. Simultaneously made me glad that I’m not in my 20s living in NYC with a younger sister and also sad that I’m not in my 20s living in NYC with a younger sister. The trials and tribs! A multitude of LOL moments. Loved it. Would watch it if it became a TV show.

6.  Expiration Dates – Rebecca Serle

3.5 – this was a fun concept and quick read! This broad gets a magical slip of paper every time she meets a man that tells her how long the relationship will last, until she meets one where no expiration is given. I enjoyed this more than I imagined – thought it would just be a sappy romp, and I mean – that it was – but it also kind of hit.

7. Rebecca, Not Becky – Christine Platt and Catherine Wigginton Greene

I would have liked this better if I hadn’t listened to the audiobook, I think. This was interesting in that it was written jointly by a Black author and a white author, and centers around a Black female protagonist, and a white female protagonist who is on a constant  mission to prove that she is woke, and while she has all good intentions, it does tend to come off as performative – especially in the eyes of the Black character, whose family has just moved into a wealthy predominately white neighborhood. Lots of thought-provoking discussions on race and prejudice, and many uncomfortable moments as we watch Rebecca Not Becky go above and beyond to make a token Black friend.

But yeah, the audio narration was grating.

8. I Did It For You – Amy Engel

Holy shit, this one was a HOT MESS. 2 stars. Skip it. The “big reveal” was actually so fucking laughable.

Not to shame the Young Adult genre, but I actually had to to doublecheck Goodreads to see if this was YA because it felt like it was written for pre-teens. Nope. This burning sack of dog shit was meant for adult eyeballs.

9. Real Americans – Rachel Khong

Easy 5 stars. Solid. Will live in my head for years to come. I love a multi-generational immigrant saga. My favorite section was the first one though, following Lily, a Chinese American struggling to find her professional footing during Y2K times.

I read “Goodbye Vitamin” by Khong several years ago and that was also a 5-star. I have been waiting for this book since then and it was worth it. She is a phenomenal writer. Also? There is a touch of magical realism in this, as a bonus. Please read this.

(Holy shit, I just started to involuntarily sob as I thought about one of the final chapters, LOL, is the heat getting to me or is it just me being like OH HI I HAVE A HEART.)

10. They Call Us Enemy – George Takei

A graphic novel written by George Takei of Star Trek fame about his childhood days growing up in concentration camps in America during WWII. I cried so much reading this.

11. I Thought You Said This Would Work – Ann Garvin

Two old college friends (grudgingly) reunite on a roadtrip to get back their friend’s dog who was turned over to a shelter by her ex-husband. Oh, and the friend is in the hospital battling her second round of cancer. Aside from the cancer, this was a very silly romp of a book, lots of capers, lots of madcap action, lots of quirky characters picked up along the way. I rolled my eyes a lot but somehow, by the end of the book, I was like JESUS CHRIST and bawled my eyes out. All that silliness did nothing to prepare me, that’s for sure.

12. When Among Crows – Veronica Roth

An interesting Slavic fantasy, very quick read, and very obviously the beginning of a series. I did enjoy it but is 3 stars enough to continue on to the next book? I dunno. I think this might be a case where the audiobook could have enhanced my experience because I read that it’s a full cast, but I didn’t want to wait for it so I just read the physical version. Wow cool story Erin.

13. Hello Girls – Brittany Cavallaro and Emily Henry

A YA Thelma and Louise-ish? It was OK.

OK, I’m out. I got the new Riley Sager from the library today and I am excited to see if I love it or hate it, there’s never an in-between when it comes to me and Sager.

Hello from the tail end of one of the longest 4-day work weeks I think I have ever experienced. How is that possible?! Anyway, I was going to do a book recap today but it’s 95000 degrees in my house (at several points today you could have found me sitting at the computer with an ice cube on my head – and down my shirt – so that should be all you need to know about how I’m dealing in a heatwave with no A/C) and also I have been doing nothing watching this video on repeat much to Chooch’s chagrin because IT’S FROM 4 YEARS AGO AND HIS LOSER MOM ONLY JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT IT! God, sorry I exist! I shared it to some people at work and only ONE of them remembered it from FOUR YEARS AGO so maybe it wasn’t viral in this region!! At one point, Chooch yelled from the top of the steps, “Oh my GOD, are you watching that AGAIN??” And then last night, he was putting something on Netflix so, from the dining room, I changed it to this YouTube video and he was getting so perplexed as to why the TV was changing back over to YouTube. He kept going back to Netflix and I would just do it again, with quiet tears of laughter streaming down my face and mixing with the SWEAT THAT HAD ACCUMULATED THERE FROM DOING NOTHING OTHER THAN JUST BEING. “Just let it go and see what it’s trying to do,” Henry said calmly, surely because he knew it was me – Chooch didn’t because he is goddamn dense. So, Chooch let the TV do its thing and when this video started to play, he straight up lost his mind, LOL. This song haunts him now. I made Henry reset Alexa so now when I saw ALEXA LIVING ROOM LIGHT ON this song plays (it’s on Spotify thank god!!!).

I need to also make it my ring tone somehow.

If someone can do that for me, thsnks.

Anyway, here I was trying to avoid sitting here with a hot laptop sitting on my sweat-sticky thighs, but then this song hypnotized me into writing practically an entire blog post anyway when really I came here to post another VINTAGE CHOOCH POST, this one is from December 2013.

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This last week has been TRYING as far as parenting goes. I definitely feel like I’ve been screaming at Chooch more than anything else, because he is so fucking bull-headed (i.e. SO UNLIKE ME). The whole “There goes another Christmas present!

” tactic totally doesn’t work anymore, by the way. I guess I’m going to have to swap out “Santa” for “Satan.”

“SATAN’S WATCHING YOU, YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE!”

And he definitely still believes in ghosts, so I can always go that route too.

Mornings and late evenings are especially bad. Sometimes he wakes up as Contrary Chooch and will battle me on EVERY LITTLE DETAIL down to the SOCKS I laid out for him to wear. My response is usually, “YOU ARE FUCKING 7 YEARS OLD STFU AND GET DRESSED.” Sometimes I try to kill him with kindness or make jokes, but in the end, I usually end up losing my temper and yelling.

I hate power-struggles. I HATE PARENTING!

Last Wednesday night, I was walking home from CVS and he was outside waiting for me. I KNEW he was going to try to bombard me with snowballs so I sternly said, “Do NOT throw snowballs—the snow is too icy!” But that son of a bitch whaled one right at my fucking face and it slammed hard into my temple. I instantly started to cry because that HURT, OK?

And once Chooch saw that I was straight sobbing (I’m pretty good at embellishing), he got scared. He knew he done fucked up, but god forbid he should apologize. Instead, he starts making excuses and laughing nervously, and by the time we fought each other to storm through the front door, we were both SCREAMING hysterically and Henry came out of the kitchen like, “WTF?”

I stood in the middle of the living room screaming, “I THINK I’M LOSING MY EYESIGHT AND HE DOESN’T CARRRRRRREEEE!!!” and Chooch is yelling, “SHE HATES ME!!!!!!” simultaneously and the neighbors probably have their fingers poised to dial that last 1 in 9-1-1.

It’s been that kind of week.

But then there are really sweet moments, too. And wine. And those are the things that keep me from getting that artists loft that I keep dreaming about. Like the one BO BRADY had in the 80s on Days of Our Lives. But seriously, how great would that be? I’d fill it with old mannequins and pretend like they were my friends. :(

Oh, right. Sweet moments. Like last night when Chooch was talking about the Santa Shop that’s happening this week at school. He wants to get something for our friend Andrea, but he became very perplexed because “it’s not like they’re going to have any death there.” Henry and I started cracking up but Chooch was very serious. He should write a letter to the paper about how the Santa Shop discriminates against people who collect dead things in jars.

Unless one of us kills the other before then, Chooch and I are going to see Never Shout Never next Wednesday in Cleveland. Henry isn’t sure if he can go because his job is stupid and I am PANICKING about this. Chooch and I haven’t gone further than like, 50 miles away without Henry. And that’s probably a gross exaggeration. Maybe closer to 25 miles? Sometimes it’s just really hard for me to get into Responsible Parent Mode. I like it better when Henry can just deal with that and I can skip around being flighty and immature. Because that’s my true nature.

If you live in Cleveland and see two dummies flailing about in Lake Erie, send the Coast Guard because I clearly drove off the map.

(PLEASE DO YOUR RELIGIOUS SPELLS SO THAT HENRY IS ABLE TO GO WITH US, OMG.)

Look, no one wants to put their kids on blast, but it is important for me to write about the lows and not only the highs. Because having shit like this to look back on makes me appreciate the highs that much more. This is real life.

We argued the whole time we were in the cemetery on Sunday. But then by that night, we were able to co-exist peacefully on the couch and watch the mid-season finale of The Walking Dead together. (OMFG THAT SHOW IS KILLING ME.) And then the next morning, we were walking to school behind our Morning Nemesis and she was SCREAMING at her kid for pretty much no reason and that kind of made me take a step back and appreciate that at least Chooch and I can walk to school together without putting our disputes on display. That’s a small victory, right?

So no, things aren’t perfect around here. But I guess they’re not really THAT bad either. And when I do start to lose the will to parent, I just go back and look at pictures of Chooch being, well, Chooch. And then it’s not so bad.

(That fucking snowball did really hurt though!!)

It was a real crapshoot but I had the grand gesture of “taking” Henry to King’s Island for Father’s Day, if by “taking him” meant that we all woke up at 6am and made him drive the nearly 4 hours to Mason, Ohio on a piping hot 90 degree day in June. To be fair, Chooch and I swore that we would help drive home but, SPOILER, Henry was in HERO MODE and refused to give up the driver’s seat, fucking bitch boy martyr that he is.

Anyway, we got there an hour after the park opened. The sun was already blistering with nary a cloud in the sky for even the slightest cover of shade, but!! The park was blessedly empty. I mean, nearly every coaster was a station wait. (I texted this to Christina who lives near King’s Island and they were like, “Does that mean it’s not crowded?” YES, YES, THAT IS WHAT THAT MEANS.)

We had as close to a perfect day as possible, really. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if it were 20 degrees cooler, but other than that – absolutely no complaints. No fights. No arguing. No annoying people. No bad ride ops. For as sickening hot as it was, everyone seemed to be in good spirits, right down to the ride operators who were super personable and speedy with the dispatches while also reminding us to stay hydrated.

Henry was sighted here!

On the real though, we have never had to wait very long for The Beast any time we have been to King’s Island, so it wasn’t too shocking to be able to walk right up to the station. The Beast, and the new family boomerang, was the main reason I was so pushy about returning to KI this year. The Beast was recently retracked (just in parts, I believe) and Chooch needed that new boomerang cred.

The first time we rode it that day, I will be honest here: My impression was, “Wow, was that kind of not that great, or am I just spoiled now?” The Beast used to be one of my fave woodies! And I still had fun, don’t get me wrong, but it just didn’t feel as wild and chaotic? We were sitting in the front row of the last car, if you care about stuff like that.

Later though, Chooch and I went back on, this time in the middle row of the last car, and I have to say, it was A LOT more fun that time. I hesitate to say that it had “warmed up,” because it was like 90 degrees that day, and should have been HAULIN’ no matter what. But the second time? DEFINITELY HAULIN’! I kept saying that over and over again too because I wanted to feel like a coaster d00d, man.

Idiot Family.

When we were in line for the Soap Box Racer boomerang, Chooch me some kid’s Instagram from his class where he posted a clip of the LIVE STREAM OF COMMENCEMENT which I didn’t even know was a thing, so hooray knowing that viewers at home got to witness this:

It’s so jarring, even though I’m expecting it, to see Chooch come shooting into the frame. Maybe I was dehydrated and brain-burnt from the sun, but for some reason, this made me LOSE MY MIND in line, and I could NOT stop laughing. To the point where I had to do a modified pee squat to keep from pissing myself. Of course this was the ONLY coaster where we actually had to stand in line (granted, only 10 minutes) because it’s brand new from this season so everyone flocked to it.

This coaster was really cute and what a great fit for Camp Snoopy! I would have been stoked to ride something like this as a kid – who am I kidding, I probably would have been too scared to, who knows.

Blue ice cream is A MUST at King’s Island. What flavor even is it?? Berry, I guess? It’s so satisfying.

I started eating it / catching the drips with my big mouth before I remembered to take an obligatory selfie with it. I’m losing it, you guys. The boxes aren’t being ticked.

We sort of let him eat this in peace.

Boo Blasters was a walk-on and let’s be real, we only rode it to get out of the heat.

Adventure Express is actually my favorite ride at King’s Island LOL. It’s the best mine train that I have ridden in America, to be honest, and they recently rethemed it a bit and it’s so good, just so so so good. Henry is usually a poo-pooer of Adventure Express but suddenly he now says that it’s, “Not bad.” I forgot how unexpectantly aggressive it is and was screaming my face off the whole time.

Also, it was around this point that my stomach was starting to cramp from probably a combo of the ice cream and extreme heat. We rode Banshee after this and 1. I forgot how insane and intense this B&M invert is; 2. the ride op stapled me and I have never before had such an unpleasant experience with vest restraints, 3. my stomach was in so much pain.

I guess that’s the trade-off – everything was practically a walk-on but because of that, our bodies weren’t really getting enough time to readjust and reset in between each coaster which probably wouldn’t have been so bad if not for the whole “surface of the sun” heat advisory that day.

Not pictured, but we also rode The Bat, Orion, Mystic Timbers, and Diamondback up to this point.

Me: I want to get photos of the new themed area.

Also Me: I’m so hot, what was I doing again?

Racer was retracked, but only partially, and I felt like the old tracked portion was bad enough to keep my opinions of this coaster low. Also, I rode by myself on the left side, and Chooch chose to ride with HENRY on the right side, and then they WON. Ugh. BUT I beat them out of the exit so technically you could say *I* won.

The return part of the Racer was actually decent though. If they retracked the whole thing, it would be so re-ridable.

After our second ride on Orion, where some trashy broad was SO APPALLED that the line attendant made her stand off to the side and wait because the rest of her group wasn’t there yet and she was crying because “now look how many people are waiting for the front row!” and the Orion crew member was like, “Too bad, I can’t let you go until your whole group is here.” She did the whole THROAT SOUND TO INDICATE DISGUST AND DISBELIEF IN THE KEY OF KAREN and then started to call someone on the phone to see where they were in line, so presumably that person/people was just going to line-jump their way straight up the station, who even knows. I fucking hate entitled people so much. We all paid to be there, now stand in line and STFU! Also, there were hardly any lines to stand in anyway so why didn’t she just wait until her whole party was ready to get in line at the same time!!??

That was the only weirdness we encountered all day, and it didn’t affect us so whatever.

Taking a break after our second ride on Orion.

Literally just fighting to stay hydrated all day.

Backlot Stunt Coaster! We’ve ridden all three of these around various Cedar Fair Parks, but the one in King’s Island is the best. The one in King’s Dominion doesn’t have any of its effects working anymore, and I think Canada’s Wonderland was the same. This ride is so much fun though.

Also, Chooch decided that he doesn’t care for any coasters that don’t have a launch. Cool. But did we ask.

LOL the last thing we did that day was ride White Water Canyon, the rapids ride, and we got DUMPED ON. The crew also can control the geysers so the kid working in one of the booths downright unleashed on us and we were like drowned rats by the end. Not gonna lie, it felt fucking great in the moment but it was a really uncomfortable walk back to the car after that.

Henry and his uniform of Oversized Shirt and Cargo Shorts.

LOL I just realized that one of the kids in the background had run ahead of us when the gates for the train were finally opened, allowing us to enter the line for the rapids and then he was sooooo distraught because his dad was like, “Fuck no, I’m not running” so the kid kept stopping and yelling, “DAD! COME ON!!!” and then eventually had to admit defeat and let us and everyone else pass him because Dad wasn’t playing the Line Jumping Game. GOOD GUY.

Having ridden everything we wanted, and not wanting to end up in the hospital with heat stroke, we left the park at 4PM. Plus, we (we lol) had a 4 hour drive ahead of us. Lest you think that the day was 100% perfect, I am here to tell you that all bets were off as soon as we left the park and that’s when the HANGER set in bigly and we ended up arguing so bad over where and what to eat and ended up at a truck stop where Henry got two slices of Sbarro for him and me, and Chooch wanted biscuits and mashed potatoes at Popeyes.

It was a terrible, miserable, hateful dinner but hey, at least we had one of the best amusement park days ever beforehand! I’m just going to go ahead and say that King’s Island is my fave Cedar Fair park (I haven’t been to any of the ones past Michigan’s Adventure though).

Yo, you guys, I haven’t had a LIVEJOURNAL REPOST on here in years upon years but today, I randomly had a memory of this broad that I befriended in some really boring class at Pitt that I made Janna take with me (THE SAME ONE WHERE SHE WAS ACCUSED OF PLAGIARISM BECAUSE SHE PLAGIARIZED) and Janna was like, “You’re wrong, this person doesn’t exist, I think you’re birthing imaginary friends again, Erin. Get help” but I was like, “No, look – we even went out with her once to Doc’s Place and even Henry was there, remember?” And Janna was like, “Nope” so then I started to scour old LiveJournal posts in an effort to ease my decrepit mind. I got sidetracked though and started reading everything (which is…not great because holy shit you think I’m annoying now?? Did you know me in 2004!?) and then found this post about not only my short-lived COLLEGE DAYS but also BLUE FLAME which as you may know is now shuttered.

Our cats call Henry “Him Man” and they very thoughtfully had this Funko Pop made in his likeness (circa 2010 because there was no salt & pepper beard option and everything else made him look like Santa) for Father’s Day. So nice of them. Sadly, a Ted Nugent album and soft pretzel weren’t accessory options.

Anyway, we’re en route to King’s Island for more “Father’s Day” fun but really this was just an excuse to go ride roller coasters.

OK let’s get this over with. The last part of the last day of the last trip to Korea. Sigh de la sighlalalalala ugh. I will try to make this one a short one.

We finished off the trip in Myeongdong. Henry wanted to get another small piece of luggage and Chooch and I wanted to do last minute shopping, so that’s exactly what we did.

I seriously wanted to buy everything in Butter.

We just don’t really have many cool shops like this in Pittsburgh and it kills me dead.

Finally got an egg bread! This is one of my favorite Korean street foods. It’s kind of reminiscent of corn bread, but then it has an egg baked inside of it. It’s so satisfying.

Not pictured, but I got a bunch of skin care at Innisfree and some gifts at Tony Moly and Artbox. Chooch bought a bunch of Seoul edition clothes at Adidas, including a pair of WHITE SWEATPANTS which he will obviously never be able to wear, as the reigning Stain King of North America.

LOL the very last night and Henry’s T-Money card had insufficient funds, so he was DENIED ACCESS. We had to wait for him to refill his card like old times. Why am I honestly tearing up at this memory.

I miss hearing these names being called out on the subway. I miss the subway. I miss the subway STATIONS. I miss the maps. I miss Henry and Chooch arguing in front of the maps.

Back at the hotel that night, we were supposed to be helping Henry pack but we were hindering and pissing him off bigly so we decided to leave him to it and we left for one last walk around the area. We stopped at two or three convenience stores for some farewell treats.

Saw this Japanese milk which cracked me up because that looks like Henry circa 2010 and we were like WE CAN’T ESCAPE HIM!!

Seodaemun – it was nice staying in this area! I’m pretty sure we had never been here on our previous trips but the location was very convenient. There was a subway entrance literally right outside of the hotel door.

Love you, Shilla Stay. You were good to us.

Korea, you’re amazing. You’re my second home. You are special and magical and gritty and shiny and historical and modern and creative and fun and and and….I could go on forever. I had such a wonderful visit, even though I was a little bitch baby at moments and having “departure date panic” in the back of my mind the ENTIRE time we were there. It was such a privilege to be back there, I am very grateful that we were able to get there, to accomplish our goal of getting married, and to bask in the beautiful Korean culture for as long as time allowed. Please, please, please let me make it back there again. It is never enough time. There is still so much I want to see and do. (I hope salt bread is still a thing the next time I go!!)

Sorry I was so annoying about these recaps. Did there need to be 187 posts for a 10 day trip? Nope, but this is me, Wordy von Doesn’tKnowWhentoStopenson. KOREA I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

Last night was a blur. I want to say so much about it but right now I’m just kind of lost in my admiration for him as NERDY as that sounds! He did such a great job, almost entirely on his own, and I hope he is proud of himself too.

I took this picture because you can see me, Henry and Janna in the front row lol.

He graduated with high honors from one of the best magnet schools, with a concentration in Computers & Connections. He was the only one in his concentration that scored a perfect 5 on the C&C AP test. He studied abroad in Merida, Mexico. He did sailing. He did that mentorship thing at the Carnegie Science Center. He did a gaming/coding course at Pitt (and got paid for it!). He joined the tennis team and medaled!

But he also made time to work part time jobs, expand his musical horizons (“best taste in music” was a common theme in his yearbook messages and HMM WHERE DID HE GET THAT FROM), have fun with his friends (and they are a really really really great group of kids too), travel with his dorky parents, collect roller coaster credits, and apparently be “the funniest kid in the class of 2024” according to what many kids wrote in his yearbook.

Sigh.

So yeah lol. That happened. Leaving his mark.

Can’t wait to see how he closes out college lol.

Bonus pictures from the school photographer:

Chooch’s friend Zakk from elementary school to now – I used to drive them to school almost every morning and we’d listen to Escalation on the radio while making fun of all the dumb yinzers who called in (and we also called in once AND WON!!).

After “the fall.”

I swore I wouldn’t be dramatic about this. But the day has come. MY BABY’S LAST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL. I was telling some friends today at work that it’s such a bizarre emotion – crippling depression, a sudden awareness of TIME, mortality panic, and also giddy excitement to live vicariously through this next chapter of his life. He seems excited and has been getting shit done and planned, and that’s helping me, you know?

I haven’t mentioned this publicly (lol like I’m a FIGURE or something) but he, out of left field, has chosen Drexel after all. We REALLY thought it was going to be Pitt, but he liked what he saw and heard at Drexel, leaving Pgh is appealing to him, and honestly I think he is just ready for the next challenge.

He has been the easiest kid to parent (OK, there were moments, come on now, come on) but overall – we got lucky. He is self-motivated, scarily clever (that and “funniest kid in the school” was the theme of his yearbook messages), effortlessly smart, independent, has a huge hunger for travel and exploration – he is the greatest and best thing, person, accomplishment – everything!! – in my life. I wouldn’t change a thing. (Eh…maybe found a better place to live while he was growing up but what can you do.)

I love this kid, man! I’m so proud of him. And I love how much my friends love him too. It speaks volumes about his character. He has always been such a little adult!

OK, ugh. Enough. I’m sure tomorrow’s post (COMMENCEMENTS) will be even more sappy so I’m just going to end this with pictures from his first day of preschool, which apparently I should have posted on Instagram with the ones from today, according to my social media manager Henry (seriously, since when does he care?!) so I’ll just post them here in hopes of gaining back some maternal points.

OK ONE MORE THING I MISS THE DAYS OF WALKING HIM TO SCHOOL WHEN HE WAS A LITTLE BOY, THERE I’M DONE NOW. OFFICIALLY CRYING, HAPPY???

Petition to make “smorg” the new cool slang to mean BUFFET OF ANY GENERALIZED THING.

Anyway, here are some bulleted things that have been happening or whatever.

• I had a memory last week of this kid that I met in a Sunoco parking lot back in….1999 probably. It must have been shortly after I moved into my place here in Brookline, I’m guessing. I think that also, and this is bad, he was still in high school and I was 20?! NOTHING HAPPENED, IT WAS NOT THAT KIND OF “MEETING” but still, even if he was 17 or 18, I should not have befriended him. But that’s neither here nor there because as you can probably guess, we became friends after this chance meeting in a gas station parking lot, especially after realizing that we both lived in Brookline. We exchanged numbers and he came over several times to hang out – JUST TO HANG OUT AND ALWAYS WITH OTHER PEOPLE HERE, OMG. I already regret starting this story but now I have typed all of these words and don’t want them to go to waste and also perhaps Janna will read this and it will bring back loving memories for her. OK OK OK, back to my story. So this kid’s name was Carl and he was Goth, so of course I called him Gothic Carl. Most notably, he came over one time with his cousin who was a big derelict and of course immediately got a crush on Janna (JANNA: 1. Do you remember his name and was it JUSTIN; 2. didn’t he invite you to the movies??). While here, Gothic Carl SENSED an ominous, paranormal presence in my basement and gave me a ROCK OF PROTECTION which actually sat on my fireplace mantel for quite a few years.
  • One of Gothic Carl’s hobbies was slowly ambling about Brookline. He’d sometimes stop at my house so often that I would have to hide and my neighbors at the time would be like SHE DIED just to get him to stop coming over because it was getting W E I R D if you know what I mean. Several years later, when I became friends with Christina and she came to visit me from Cincinatti for a long weekend but I wasn’t able to take any time off work so she had to stay at my house and entertain herself. I had just recently told her the tale of Gothic Carl and how he would sloth around the neighborhood, so that day she went for a walk to kill time and then wrote in her LiveJournal that she had walked around “a la Gothic Carl.” Meanwhile, she was dating this broad who was O B S E S S E D with her and also laughably jealous, so she reads this and freaks out thinking that Christina was loafing around town with some goth man. Because she thought “a la” meant “with” like “apple pie a la mode” means YOU’RE GETTIN’ YOUR PIE WITH ICE CREAM, FRENCHIE. OK this seemed funnier at the time, and also when I texted Christina, she said “Gothic Carl” sounded familiar but turns out she didn’t remember this at all and I had to put every single puzzle piece into her fucking swiss-cheesed brain.

I got this from the Post Gazette website, DO NOT SUE ME. 

• The owner of Pitaland recently died and I just found this out the other day. I wasn’t bros with him or anything but during my early morning walks, he was often sitting at a table outside of the store, smoking his hookah, and we would always exchange pleasantries. Plus, Pitaland is just a really great local Brookline store that we frequently buy from and it’s sad. WE ARE ALL GETTING OLD. I FUCKING HATE IT.

• Remember when I told you, Internet Secret Chest, that my Coaster Crew friend Pam has bought a house in Brookline, courtesy of realtor extraordinaire My Brother Corey? Well, it’s true. That happened. She asked me, Henry, and Chooch to swing by on Sunday to check out her new digs so that was exciting in and of itself, BUT! While we were there, Henry goes, “Pam, there is some lady standing at your front door.” And it was true – some older broad was straight peering in, not even making any moves to knock or ring the doorbell. Pam goes to answer the door while the rest of stay in another room. Last time I checked, it only takes one person to answer the door, right? The lady doesn’t even say hello, she just goes, “I live across the street and saw that you were painting your door red and came over to stop you.” 

Like, her tone was immediately harsh and combative.

Is it a crime to paint your door red?!

Pam is like, “Well, I did go back and forth on colors, but I really do love this red” and this byotch continued to be such an asshole about it that I couldn’t stand behind a wall anymore and had to go over to        mediate. (When I told group chat this story, Glenn was like “Erin standing by with a can of gasoline” lololol.) Broad was like, “WELL, I THINK YOU’RE GOING TO REGRET IT. IT DOESN’T EVEN MATCH YOUR HOUSE NUMBERS.” (Pam made a little mosaic sign with her house numbers on it) So Pam is like, “…………..” 

And the broad is like “…………..”

          And I’m like “…………..”

The broad, btw, is CHRISTINE FROM ACROSS THE STREET, in case you care. Christine says, “I’m actually about to repaint my whole house so PLEASE before you start painting anything else, come talk to me and my mom. My mom is AN EXPERT WITH COLORS. PAINT HAS TO FLOW. IT. HAS. TO. FLOW.” And I’m just over there like, “Jesus, this broad would literally die just from my living room alone….”

So then Pam goes, “Well, as you can see, I have some paint swatches taped to the wall over there, because I’m trying to plan it out…” and the lady was like “MMMMMMMMMMM” and started criticizing the door again!! Pam told her the name of the paint color (I forget what it was now) and then said, “That’s French” and the lady snaps, “YEAH I KNOW I SPEAK FRENCH!!!!” so Pam, who is still staying super friendly and calm thru this while I’m wanting to fling myself out a window, goes, “Oh really me too! *says something in French*” and now the neighbor has steam coming out of her nostrils, she’s so pissed, like she’s about to HOLD MY BEER every Viral Video Karen of the last 5 years, because I DON’T THINK SHE COULD ACTUALLY SPEAK FRENCH. 

Anyway, this weird paint push-and-pull went on for a solid 10 minutes, culminating with Pam’s stroll down interior design memory lane as she recalled the yellow and green walls of one of her old houses  – you could see Christine gnawing away at the inside of her cheeks and hiccuping with tangible distaste – and sort of ended OK I guess because Christine HUGGED HER AWKWARDLY, said she was GLAD to have her as a neighbor (suddenly? on what grounds??) and then said to me, “And Erin, you rock.” Me, who had said nothing up to this point, but the mention of my name inspired Pam to tell Christine that I also live in Brookline, so now we can add “I live on the other end of Pioneer Ave” to the only words I said to Christine. It was so bizarre. I hope Pam keeps the door red. I hope she also lines it with red neon. That’s what I would do, to the surprise of no one.

The weirdest part to me,  though, was how Pam seemed completely unbothered by this. Christine left and Pam goes, “OK where did we leave off? Oh, yeah! The upstairs!” as if she hadn’t just had her design choices dragged to Heinz Field (or whatever it’s called) and back. So, we go upstairs and find Henry and Chooch up there hiding like little bitch boys. Chooch was like, “Yeah, I didn’t want any part of that.”

• We went for a walk in the cemetery over the weekend and Henry was dressed like a middle schooler and then I had another body dysmorphia meltdown so we left and I came home to cry about. What is my fucking problem!? I am so blah lately. Nothing amuses me. Nothing excites me. Books are boring me. Boo hoo.

The end.