Apr 162014
 

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This is what my desk has looked like all week, thanks to Easter Glenn Hunt 2014. If you weren’t around on these blog-parts last Easter, this is basically when I turn Glenn’s employee ID photo into an array of Biblical characters and usually one or two that are tableau-esque. (Last year it was a department-themed Noah’s Ark and the Last Supper.) Then I stuff one into an egg with candy and hide it somewhere around the office and pray that whoever finds it won’t run to HR. I like to live on the edge.

I was way more prepared this year though, and even ordered a box of Jesus-y goodness from Oriental Trading, like Christian-themed jelly beans (the red ones symbolize God’s shed blood, y’all), candy bracelets with candy crosses, Jesus stickers and Biblical finger puppets. Oh, what good wholesome fun.

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Fun fact about yours truly: I was once super into religion. I was born and raised Roman Catholic and went to church every Saturday night like clockwork, and then went to Sunday School/CCD every Sunday morning. Do you want to know something sickening about me? I FUCKING LOVED SUNDAY SCHOOL. Oh shit, I loved learning about Bible things! Not because I was some holy roller, but because I considered it history. It was interesting and entertaining to me. And when we started getting tested on this shit in fifth grade and everyone groaned, I did a clandestine fist-pump under my desk because I was finally going to get all those A’s I deserved!

(I did, too. I aced every test because I was hot for Bible.)

And then in college, I took a few religion classes and considered minoring in that bullshit until I decided just to stop going to college altogether, which is what I do. Quit. I quit everything. WHY TRY WHEN YOU CAN JUST QUIT? That’s my imaginary bumper sticker.

So making these Glenns has been a huge refresher course for me! They make me so giddy and full of glee, and of course almost no one here knows WTF they’re supposed to be, but that’s OK. They’re still special to me.

20140416-142454.jpgl. to r. Stigmata Glenn, Judas Glenn, Manna From Heaven Glenn, Stoked for Passover Glenn.

20140415-194447.jpgl. to r. Ash Wednesday 4 Lyfe Glenn, Veronica’s Veil Glenn, Hot Cross Bun Vendor Glenn, Saint Glenn

I half-assedly hid an egg in Jeannie’s office on Monday and she must not have noticed it because she came back from lunch and just let it sit there. I waited for her to leave her office again and I rolled the egg so that it was in the middle of the floor, in plain sight. She came back to her office AND KICKED THE EGG TO THE SIDE. Totally disregarded it! I was like, “OMG WHY DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT THE EGG?!”

“I’m just waiting for you to be even more obvious about it,” she said in her patented grumpy demeanor.

She still hasn’t opened it and I’m dying to know which Glenn she got.

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l. to r. Easter Bunny Snack Glenn, Saint Francis Glenn, Saint Lucy Glenn.

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FINGER PUPPETS!

I noticed there was a theme on Facebook over the weekend, where parents bitched about their kids not getting any eggs at Easter egg hunts because other parents let their children be savages. THE SAME THING HAPPENED HERE, YOU GUYS. Co-workers would be like, “SO-AND-SO GOT THREE EGGS SO FAR AND I HAVEN’T FOUND EVEN ONE!” OMG. So then I had to deliberately plant eggs in places meant for only certain people to find them. For example, I put one on the floor of Wendy’s office and she was so upset the next day when she found out there was an egg in her office but someone else got to it first.

Oh, you know who it was? Mr. “I DGAF About These Eggs” himself, GLENN.

“What? It’s fair game,” he rationalized with a shrug and then sauntered away with the smugness.

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Shepherd Glenn and his Processor Sheep (Todd, Chris, Mean Amber 2, Gayle, Amber1, Lauren)

20140415-194605.jpgl. to r. Water to Wine Glenn, Lion’s Den Glenn, Archangel Michael Glenn, Lot’s Wife Glenn 

20140415-194626.jpgl. to. r.: Good SamariGlenn, Obnoxious Bible Quoter Glenn, Glenn on a Grilled Cheese, Sacrificial Lamb Glenn

20140415-194837.jpgl. to r.: Sacred Heart Glenn, Saint Patrick Glenn, Palm Sunday Glenn, Billy Graham Glenn. 

I was really starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel after awhile, but luckily I have a connection with a Theology major. (Thanks again, Monica!!)

While I was making some of these over the weekend, Chooch was like, “WTF is that?” about one of them and I was trying to explain it, and then it occurred to me to ask him if he even knew the story behind Easter AND HE DID NOT which I guess was silly of me  to assume that his pathetic Catholic school would have taught him that. So I started asking him other religious-y questions and he just kept shrugging. And that is how I spent twenty minutes out of my Sunday night watching an animated cartoon about Moses on YouTube.

Chooch seemed pretty intrigued by the whole story, and at the end he asked, “So, what? God is like, a hacker?”

OMG. Needless to say, we will be watching more Bible shit this weekend.

But anyway, the moral to this is that Glenns are educational! Get stoked for Bible study!

 

  7 Responses to “Easter Glenn Hunt 2014”

  1. I credit my early exposure to religion with my understanding of metaphor and imagery.

    And thank you for helping me find my Glenn egg.

    • That makes sense that it would have helped you understand those things! I think Bible stuff is important to know and I feel like I’ve really done my kid a disservice by not teaching him these things. What really appealed to me as a kid is how frightening most of those stories are!

      Chooch watched a cartoon about Joseph all on his own the other night and when it was over he was like, “That was really effed up. Someone pushed Joseph into a WELL. Who DOES that!?”

      • I agree – I want to give Elena some religious exposure but not, like, the torture that was weekly Stations of the Cross (although those are some of my favorite childhood torture themed stories: I think my favorite is “Jesus falls for the second time”). And I want to manage this without actually going to church myself.

  2. Oh! And it’s exciting that four of the five related posts are Glenn-themed.

  3. Irony: This post is the first thing in the last 3 years that made me really miss my cubicle-farm job. God bless all of the Glenns! PS – It’s a tie between Easter Bunny Snack Glenn and Lot’s Wife Glenn as my favorite Easter Glenn. PPS – I’m trying to use less exclamation points in my comments on your blog because I think it’s giving people the false impression that I am friendly.

  4. I love that you do this. I wish we worked in an office together! Oh, if you asked my kid what Easter means, she’d tell you baskets and candy. I try to expose her to different religions but she seriously could not give a shit less. I tried to talk to her about Buddhism when we were at the tattoo parlor and she was just like, oh, but why is he so fat?

  5. My favorite Glenn is the one where he got turned into salt.

    Also. Wow. Add Catholic upbringings to our List of Things to Discuss in the Future. I’ll bet we would have a tie in a Bible showdown!!!

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