Mental Monday

Today I’m going to pretend that everything is alright. I’m going to smile a lot and give high-fives. I’m going to text some people I have done a poor job of keeping in touch with. I’m going to focus on the positive. I’m also going to BULLET POINT THE FUCK OUT OF LIFE TODAY! Join me, won’t you?

• I finally bought my tickets for Circa Survive today. Afterward, I turned around and said to Glenn, “If you’re planning on going to the Circa Survive show at Mr. Small’s, you better get your tickets soon. It could sell out.” He mumbled something like, “I’ll be sure to.”
• This is the start of the third week in my new/old desk location and I’m still loving it. Now that I sit near Amber¹ and Todd, we talk about really interesting things like THE REAL WORLD. Seriously, Glenn was off last Friday so wewere able to freely converse about past Real World seasons for nearly an hour without Old Grouchy Glenn here to convo-block us. I’m sure everyone around us was super excited to relive the time Ruthie nearly drank herself to death in Hawaii.
  • Speaking of, this season of The Challenge was one of my favorites. So much drama!
  • This reminds me of all of the convos I used to have with Bob at my old job about The Real World, and how annoyed Collin would get. God, memories!!
• I love Easter because of shit like this:

• I was excited last week because it felt like spring for real for one whole day and I thought to myself, “Woo! The season of gratuitous ice cream cone photos is upon us!” And then it snowed for the next two days.
• Last week, I was walking aimlessly around Pittsburgh on my break, like I often do, I passed a woman who was screaming, “A PERSON CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH!” to the guy she was with. I was like, “AMEN SISTER” except that I only just thought it because ew, talking to people. But then I passed them again a few minutes later and it became clear to me that she was pretty unhinged. She kept shrieking, “STAY AWAY FROM ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!” and then she would let forth this blood-curdling, hysteric eagle-scream. I was like, “Why does that sound familiar—-oh.” It totally reminded me of Erin and Henry: the Early Years. I didn’t get a FUCK who saw me raving like a lunatic back then. Thank god I’ve acquired a veil of self-awareness, huh Henry? Henry?
• I spent all of this time regaling Henry with the time in high school when I discovered that “Owner of a Lonely Heart” was a Yes song. For years and years, I was sure it was the Police and could never understand why I couldn’t find it on any of their albums every time I went music shopping. And then I looked over at Henry and he had this glazed look in his eyes. Ugh, sorry I wasn’t talking about THE SERVICE or grocery shopping.
  • Speaking of grocery shopping! Henry roasted brussels sprouts, beets, and kohlrabi for me on Saturday and it was like falling in love with him all over again. I never ate vegetables, not really, until we started dating and he was like, “WTF kind of vegetarian doesn’t eat vegetables” and I was like, “The kind who doesn’t eat anything that isn’t delivered to her front door?”

• OMG OMG we have a new person here in our group to help us out once Amber-About-to-Pop is away on maternity leave. After Amber came back from the interview two weeks ago, she said to me, “I think this one is the best fit out of all of them. She actually reminded me of you.” I got super excited and cried, “REALLY?!” to which Amber said, “Well, I mean…she probably doesn’t have a DEVIL RUG…” Anyway, her name is Allison and she started last Monday. She’s only 21! I was really excited when I found out and told Glenn as such. “Finally, someone here I can relate to!” I said. “Oh, don’t even try to pretend you’re 21!” Glenn spat. But I just mean that we are probably interested in the same things! I made the mistake of telling Glenn that I couldn’t wait to ask her what kind of music she listens to, but he got to train her before I did and as soon as she sat down behind me, he blurted out, “SO WHAT KIND OF MUSIC DO YOU LIKE?!” and I whipped around so fast to glare at him. Then he had the audacity to ask her if she likes Pierce the Veil!
  • For the record, she does not know who they are.
  • On Allison’s fourth day here, we had cake and milk for O Pregnant Amber. Allison and I were loitering togetheroutside of Mitch’s office, talking about being vegetarians. When I told her that I have been a vegetarian since 1996, she exclaimed, “So like what, since you were five?!” THIS GIRL CAN STAY.
    • Wendy is super jealous because now my attention is divided.
  • I told Amber the Abandoner that I’m so excited to teach Allison things. “Yeah, you’ve been a big help with training her, thanks!” she said. “Oh, no. I’m talking about COOL THINGS, not dumb work stuff.” Amber just rolled her eyes. She does that a lot.
• I found this old picture of Blake and Chooch and got all of the mushy-feels:

• Apparently, I chirp “Oh for fuck’s sake” so frequently, that Henry now tries to guess when I’m going to say it so he can say it first.
• Last week, Nate told  Amber “Baby’s Gender? Surprise Me!” G. that she should name the baby Cucumber if it’s a girl, because she was eating a cucumber at the time. But I thought Nate was suggesting that Amber name her cucumber, which made me blurt out, “I had a pet orange and French fry in high school! Marcus Orangerelius and Frieda.” And then when Nate was like *slooooooow nod*, I tacked on, “I swear I had real friends, too.”
• Call me from a blocked number so I know it’s real, amirite.
• I’m really mad at my job, currently, and it is making me act like a cry baby.
• <3H<3 (Full disclosure: This photo was from when I was sucking up to Henry because I wanted a ride to work. Spoiler alert: I took the trolley that day.)

That might be all she wrote. If she thinks of anything else, she will come back and add on.