It only took me two years, but I finally made that sheet of vintage porn star Valentines I’ve been threatening!
These are perfect for your preschooler to pass out on Valentines Day. Give one to some asshole Planned Parenthood protester after you chuck their abortion propaganda in the nearest garbage can. Fuck it, send a whole sheet to Tiger Woods!
All of the designs on the sheet are also available as full-sized cards as well, plus this classy fucking John Holmes treat:
In addition to the porn stars, I have a new Lizzie Borden Valentine for 2016:
Can’t remember if I humble-bragged about this one last year, but my Patty Hearst Valentine is still a personal favorite!
And of course there’s the sheets chock full of affable homicidal maniacs! $6 for one, $10 for two, $15 for three, and $20 for four!
So here’s a personal story: I want to send one of my Valentines to my record label crush but I can’t decide which one. I mentioned this at work the other day and then paused and asked Glenn, “Do you think that’s weird?”
“That you have a crush on an entire record label? Knowing what I know about you, that’s actually one of the few things that actually makes sense,” he mumbled. Cue the Heartwarming Family Moment sit-com “aw”s. Todd on the other hand was like “[10 uncomfortable seconds of silence]….wait, what?”
I think I’m going to send them the new Borden one, because they’re in Boston and you know, Fall River, etc etc. You should send one to your crush, too—record label or otherwise!