Sometimes (read: all of the time), all Henry wants to do is just relax. And that’s what he was trying to do on Sunday, when he stretched out on the chair and was just about to start scrolling through the nothingness of Pinterest on his phone, when my “HENRY IS TAKING A BREAK—ABORT, ABORT” alarm started sounding off in my head. This is always my cue to go into HIGH DEPENDANCY mode. Usually this entails:
- jumping on him
- screaming HENRY for no reason
- suddenly needing him to go to the store for tampons
- if he has the audacity to take Relaxing Time upstairs to the bedroom, I will sit downstairs and call him on the phone repeatedly
- needing him to open a random jar of something
- abruptly wrenching out of a nap to tell him something about MTV’s The Challenge or that MADDY LIM FROM KPOPX REPLIED TO ME ON INSTAGRAM (<———–this just happened at 12:30am and you better believe I shook the shit out of Henry and instead of just telling him, I made him LOOK AT MY PHONE and he was so scared that someone had died)
- I wonder if he remembers this happening. I should call him at work to tell him again
But on this occasion, there were some random Christmas decorations strewn about nearby the chair, including a red garland that Lori brought to my holiday party last week which I knew at some point would come in handy, so it became clear that Henry’s sole purpose of laying on the chair was to be decorated.
Chooch made that Henry elf ornament around 5 years ago.
Henry would have a better chance being left alone if he parked inside a convention of timeshare salespeople, begging winos, and sex addicts whose type is Mountain Men. Maybe he should he just get a secret apartment. Or go to his mom’s.