Aug 262017

I have been trying to get this dumb bulletpointed photo dump written for two weeks now but….distractions. For instance, right now I’m typing this on my phone while watching videos from KCON LA and I keep pausing to tell Henry things like “I like this song. Do you like them? This stage was better at KCON NY. That guy is from Chicago. He’s from Hong Kong.” And Henry is a better person now for knowing these things.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that there will be typos. And I know I’m forgetting shit that seemed so blog-worthy at the moment BUT I GUESS MY LIFE IS REALLY JUST BLAND AFTER ALL.

  • Henry bought me that difficult oatmeal again after I told him not to because it requires too much effort to make. I thought I had it down pat though, the whole “heat for 30 seconds, stir, repeat until you quit caring” technique, but then CHERYL came into the kitchen while I had my face pressed against the microwave and asked what I was doing. WHAT DOES IT LOOKS LIKE CHERYL IM BABYSITTING MY LUNCH. So she decided this was a great time to strike up a conversation and I swear I only took my eyes off the kid for a second on the playground in the microwave when it EXPLODED and I cried, “UGH CHERYL LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!” So then I had to clean everything up which is my least favorite thing to do aside from probably getting murdered or whatever, and she was still like “Let’s talk about things!” As I was adding the mix-ins to my oatmeal (honey, cinnamon, etc) she was like, “Oh wow I never would have thought to add those things” and I felt like I was filming a COOKING SHOW, isn’t that horrifying? Me, a cooking show. Ugh. This oatmeal is not worth it.
  • I referred to one of the neighbors as a “real CU next Tuesday,” which Chooch overheard and asked what it meant. Nothing, I said, which only made him persist, eventually to the point of begging. I couldn’t believe he didn’t already know because kid knows all the bad stuff. Eventually it occurred to him that this is what the Internet is for, emergencies like this, and I could tell by his ferocious giggle fit that he had surfed the Urban Dictionary wave. “Good one, Erin” henry sighed about Chooch said that’s what he’s going to call Markie’s mom from now on.

  • We’re in the process of redecorating some areas of the house. I suggested adding blood spatter to the bathroom walls and henry said, “OK. Come here.” Snap. So far we have accomplished the wall behind the TV, and by now you know I mean that I told Henry what I want and he did it.

  • Chris hung out with us a few Fridays ago! She brought her yarn over and worked on a project while I made her watch Weekly Idol and taught her about aegyo and Chooch kept trying to pull her away from me because that’s what he does—steals friends. At one point, he grabbed my laptop and read things in Spanish using Google translate for Chris to translate because she is fluent in Spanish and that’s what she does for work–Spanish subtitling. He started to run out of sentences to type until I giddily whispered one in his ear. He started giggling too, and read the Spanish version of it for Chris, who sighed, “See you next Tuesday.” LOLOLOLOL, Chooch and I giggled like little school girls. After Chris left that night, I said to Henry, “She’s like REALLY good at Spanish.” “Well I should hope so,” he said. “It’s her JOB.”

  • Two Sundays ago (god I’m a blogging slacker) I had a real big hunger tantrum after Chooch’s piano lesson and I’ll save you the gnarly details and skip to the end where we settled on some veg-friendly sandwich shop in Oakland. As soon as we sat down, Henry took off for the bathroom and we were like WOW OK RUDE. Of course as soon as he went in there, some yuppie lady and her little girl needed to use it at that precise moment and acted all alarmed and confused as they tried in vain to twist the doorknob. “Figures, henry went in there to poop and now there’s a line,” I said, which made Chooch have a near medical emergency called EXTREME LAUGHING SEIZURES. So then I started laughing and Chooch fed off my laughter and was crying with a red face and it was SO LOUD that I wondered if the people working there were going to think I was burning him with a lighter under the table. Thank god, aside from the yuppie mom and her little brat that had to pee, we were the the only patrons there at that time. Because shit was escalating fast (in the barroom too, I bet.) I texted Henry “Good job, you caused a line to form” and I thought Chooch actually vomit from mirth-tremors. Since this was not only about Henry but also loo-related, I texted my friend Alyson about his line-formation drama at the college sandwich shop and that made us the only three people in the world who found the humor in this.

hooch made me take a picture of the bathroom door

  • Fire on my street! This was last week, several houses down. Actually, it was Chooch’s enemy Jackie’s house and the crazy thing was the day before I ran into her and when I asked how she was doing, she sighed, “We’re all still here.” I moved to this street in 1999 and she was already living here so we’re like the only OGs left at this point. Then a day later, there was an electrical fire in her house. Luckily, no one was hurt. It happened early enough in the evening that her husband was able to catch it, but the firemen were still there for like three hours. Maybe just two. Time, like money, is not something I have a good grasp of.

  • Glenn was choking the other day at work, like for a good while. At first I was just ignoring it, but then I suddenly got a surge of giddiness. I was trying to swallow them back to the point of tears, and then I gave up. Since it was obvious at this point that I was laughing at him, I turned around and, through gurgling giggles, said, “I’m so sorry Glenn, but I literally cannot stop laughing!”. When he finally got his choking under control, he wheezed, “It’s OK, I’m fine” and then I started cracking up all over again. Am I a sociopath?
    • Usually when I start laughing at everything, that means very soon I will be crying at everything so CANT WAIT. #BipolarAmusementPark
  • I had dinner with Barb a few weeks ago, but it was hijacked by Chooch so I just sat there and sulked while he was all charming and entertaining. Ugh why can’t I be like Chooch?!

  • We still have a POS POTUS.
  • Totally falling in love with WANNA ONE. (KCON LA videos are still on ok?!)
    Target self-checkout helping Henry keep an eye on us.

  • So, I didn’t care about the eclipse. Sue me. However, it was pretty fun at work during the height of it all when the obligatory Bonnie Tyler jam was played causing our director to come out of her office and say, “Seriously if I hear his song one more time today…” But then A-Ron let some of us use his special glasses and it was actually pretty cool. But enough people posted pictures on Instagram for me to have easily been OK with not partaking. And I guess none of Chooch’s YouTubers told him about it because he had no idea it was happening until I left for work and told him, as an afterthought, not to look ip during the eclipse. I mean, if ever there was a good time to start acting like a mom, right? (I ALSO MADE HIM BREAKFAST THAT DAY TOO, SO.) HNC came over with his welders glasses for Chooch to use and when I asked him after work if he enjoyed it, he slowly said, “I….guess…?”

  • Rainier cherries and lychees, like you do. People think I only shop at the Asian markets because I’m all about Korea but the truth is that we’ve been hitting up the Asian markets for years because my fruit palate is so fucking refines, bitches. Save your bananas and grapes for your own self. (lol I’m not even actually this much of an asshole IRL I promise.)

  • The zealots have been out in full force downtown lately. I got this awesome Satan pamphlet from the Witnesses (after everyone in front of me was like NOPE) and then a few days later, I was approached for the first time ever by someone from the CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY! They gave me a brochure with a personality test inside and I’m going to put myself in Glenn’s shoes and fill it out. I already sent back the “SEND ME MORE INFO” portion of the Satan thing with Glenn’s address on it. Maybe I just helped him choose a path. You don’t know.

  • We randomly visited the Cathedral of Learning a few Sundays ago, right on the heels of Chooch’s and my laugh-attack over Henry causing a line-up outside of the bathroom at Unique Eats. Needless to say, we were super sensitive to everything and kept cracking up vociferously, causing Henry to go to the restroom and THEN DITCH US. He said he knew where we were the whole time because hello—-Cathedral. Our cackles echoed all over. Everyone knew where we were. I was excited to go to the Korean room though! The last time I was there, I hadn’t imprinted on Korea yet.

(After we discovered Henry, from three floors up.)

  • Yesterday, Chooch came in the house and said abruptly, “I was just thinking about Drew dying and now I want to spend all my time with her!” as big fat tears squirted out of his eyeballs. Then he collapsed on the chaise with her and straight sobbed. It was heartbreaking.

And on that note! Go hug an animal or something. Goodnight.

  6 Responses to “pictures & postulations & pellets”

  1. OMG I GOT THIS POST IN MY EMAIL!!! Yaaaaaaaay!

  2. I love your bullet-point posts! Explosive oatmeal sounds like a bitch to clean up. The blurry-ish photo of Henry from a few floors up looked as though you caught Bigfoot in the wild, it made me crack up. I’m currently holding up the wall in a hospital in Raleigh waiting on our patient, and my random giggle/smile I’m sure is making someone uncomfortable, which is OK by me.
    PS – a woman is feasting out of a bag of Bugles that is parked in her purse, a few chairs away from me. It’s 8:49 am, far too early for processed corn snacks. It’s a full size bag in case you were wondering.

  3. I don’t remember the Korea room!
    Poor Chooch. :(

  4. 1. I laughed all over again reading about how Henry caused a line to form.

    2. At first I thought you were holding up a low-budget band’s album cover, and I thought it was actually very cool artwork in the Satan literature!

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