Nov 212017
 

After being sick for-fucking-ever, I desperately needed to get out and do something fun, and since it’s been nearly two years since I’ve gone to the Mattress Factory, an outing there just seemed right and not full of exertion (i.e. I wasn’t yet ready to participate in a tire-throwing competition or anything like that).

Plus, it’s been at least 6 years since I last took Chooch there, so long that the kid has zero memory of ever being there, and he was really stoked about this. I have been grooming that kid to love museums since he was in the womb, y’all.

Womb is such a gross word.

Anyway, we got Janna to go with us too because Janna is my OG Mattress Factory accomplice. We’ve been going semi-sporadically since I learned in 2005 that we could use our Pitt IDs to get in for a discount. (I was determined to milk that fucking ID for all that it was worth – tens of thousands of dollars, it turned out.) The last time I went to the MF, Janna couldn’t go because she was LITERALLY BUYING A MATTRESS THAT AFTERNOON. Oh god, what are the odds.

I have written about this place a shitload of times on this blog, so if you’re ever interested in seeing pictures of past installations, there’s a search  bar around here somewhere, I think. Otherwise, I will just quickly tell you that it’s a gem on the north side of Pittsburgh, my favorite museum in the city, a hands-on experience, quirky, fun, unique, blah yadda etc. If you live in Pittsburgh and haven’t gone there, you’re dumb (I’m kidding, please don’t stop reading this, I’m desperate for readers!). And if you’re planning on visiting Pittsburgh sometime ever, you should definitely check this place out because it’s cool, yo. It’s cool.

It was actually moderately crowded on this particular day, which is not usually the case. So we were kind of annoyed when we started the day off in one of the annex buildings and could barely enjoy it because a million college kids were pushing their way through the cramped spaces and setting off emergency exit alarms (“It wasn’t us!” I said to the docent who pushed past us to turn it off. “It was those college kids, wasn’t it!” she cried and we were like YES MA’AM!!! Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure she was a college kid, too.)

The installation in this building was the same for years and I was really growing tired of it, but now it’s this crazy three-floor exhibit by Dennis Maher called “A Second Home.” It was like walking through a dollhouse in a way and we were all infatuated. However, it was also kind of dangerous because there were steps where you didn’t expect them and lots of spots where you had to duck – Janna and Chooch both smacked their faces off the same spot and I laughed.

There was this young couple behind us who fucking rushed us through the entire first floor because they were practically walking on our backs. That in addition to the girl making disparaging art critiques almost ruined my day there. Almost. We lost them after a bit, luckily, and our experience was greatly improved from then on.

Chooch was really into it from the get-go. Age 11 has been pretty great. His attention span still kind of sucks, but places like the Mattress Factory are just stimulating enough to hold his interest. He wasn’t blowing past each painting like he used to do at the zoo when he was a kid. Our zoo visits were done at record speeds! It felt more like being at a gallery with my two friends and not just “my friend Janna and my kid Chooch.”

I don’t know what I’m trying to say here, except that my kid is growing up to be such a cool person and I really enjoy spending time with him, especially when Henry isn’t with us because that’s when we get along the best.

Also, Henry thinks art is dummm so he didn’t want to go with us anyway.

Dennis Maher – A Second Home. Haunting!

A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin) on

On the way to the second annex, Chooch literally chased down a lady so that he could pet her dog. Ladies and gentlemen, my son the serial petter.

OK, I honestly cannot constructively describe how the first floor of the second annex made me feel, except that I was ready to pack a bag and move in because it fit my aesthetic to a motherfucking T, you guys. To the point where I was frantically trying to figure out which room in my house to completely gut and invite Vanessa German over to construct “sometimes.we.cannot.be.with.our.bodies.part.2.” Sorry Chooch, you can sleep on the couch, mommy needs your room for bigger and better things.

This was around the time Chooch started to get super pose-y and I had no complaints about that.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I just wanted to lay down in the middle of all this gaudiness – DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME.

Liberace probably would have ejaculated immediately upon entrance of this room.

We spent a lot of time in this room, taking it in from every angle. There were so many details to see! I need to go back. I miss it.

Eventually we moved on to the second floor.

This was David Pohl’s “furniture music” which we also fell in love with. The mauve walls made me feel so peaceful and it’s a good thing 97% of my current plant collection is now dead because I’m going to tape them all over the walls. The Mattress Factory is always giving me the best interior design tips.

This is probably why Henry hates it so much.

“Take a picture of me sitting on this chair.”

The look on Janna’s face when he said this was priceless. It was totally saying, “Look at the monster you created.”

“squawk.”

I’ll be back later this week with pictures from the main part of the Mattress Factory, where a chunk of Chooch’s innocence swan-dove out the window thanks to some, um, mature art.

Nov 192017
 

Sometime in September, Chooch came home with an order form for some dumb Southern Living cookie dough that the school was pushing the kids to peddle, and I was like, “LOL you can just throw that in the trash because I’m not taking it to work!” Honestly, I hate fundraising bullshit, and I especially hate asking co-workers to buy things when most of them have their own children who are selling magazines and hoagies and slingshots and fidget spinners, I dunno what kids sell these days.

Flash-forward a week or two later. Chooch said he was going over his friend Wesley’s house and we were like, “Look both ways before you cross the street, don’t take candy from strangers, don’t talk to my Mexican taco cart boyfriend without me.”

He came home a few hours later and it turns out, that sonuva took the order form with him and actually made like 8 sales to random people in Brookline!? Of course, his Corgi buddy Bob bought two containers of dough, but I didn’t recognize a single other name on that form! “Oh, that’s the lady who lives next to Bob, she has a dog too. And that’s her mom, who lives across the street. Oh, and that’s Ed’s* girlfriend” because Chooch gets around, man. He fucking gets around.

*(Ed is the guy who owns the gaming place on Brookline Boulevard, and Chooch of course has befriended him because most of Chooch’s friends are adults so why not add another.)

Meanwhile, the order form is all ATTENTION PARENTS, PLEASE SUPERVISE YOUR CHILDREN. DO  NOT LET THEM GO DOOR-TO-DOOR, because the world sucks these days. If this was the 80s, cold-calling would be encouraged! HERE’S THE MILKMAN, SON, ASK HIM IF HE WANTS TO BUY SOME FUNDRAISER FRUITCAKE! He’d have come home with 348 sales!

Unfortunately, Chooch collected checks from two of the houses, and the separate instruction sheet that was sent home from the school says that no checks are accepted, even though the order form states otherwise. So while one of the checks was made out to Chooch’s school, the other one was made out to “Central Middle School” and we were like, “Wtf is this school?” and it turns out it was what the sample check on the order form had written on it, for fuck’s sake. So Henry had to take Chooch back to these two houses to exchange their checks for cash, which is how we realized that one of the lady’s lives in the house behind us, the same house with the garage window that Chooch busted a few yeas ago which turned into a summer-long odyssey of the husband repeatedly showing up at our door to remind Henry that he still had not replaced the window, because Henry is the king of procrastination, which is one of the things that his mom and I argued about last spring when she blamed me for him not doing all the things he promised her he would do and I was like DO YOU THINK HE DOES EVERYTHING I WANT HIM TO DO THE FIRST TIME I ASK HIM TO DO IT, LADY?! My god, guys like Henry are the reason why women have to nag in the first place.

BUT I DIGRESS.

Anyway, the point of this story is that as soon as I saw that he made some sales on his own, I suddenly morphed into Captain Competition and decided that I would take the order form to work and try to outsell him. Normally, people will bring this shit in and leave it on the table by the kitchen and let it sell itself. Not me. I kept the order form right where I could see it, on the counter behind Lauren, and flat-out accosted everyone who walked past with this super-aggressive opening line, “BUY SOME COOKIE DOUGH.” You’d be surprised how many times it worked! I even got Todd to buy a gluten-free tub, and Mitch too who almost definitely has never baked cookies in his whole entire life, good thing he has a wife now.

You guys, I became consumed by selling. I even told people that I would accept Paypal, so I was able to strong-arm Chris and Monica as well, by sending them pictures of their options. This went on for a week until it was time to return the order form to school, which is when we discovered that whoever NANCY is didn’t pay Chooch. “She said that she will pay when the cookie dough is delivered,” Chooch shrugged. “This ain’t no C.O.D!” Henry barked, prepared to scratch her name off the list, but Chooch was all, “WE CAN’T DO THAT! SHE’S SARAH’S MOTHER!” and we were like WHO THE EFF IS SARAH and apparently she is the lady who lives across the street from Nancy and also ordered a tub. Chooch was so certain that Nancy was good for her word, that he SPOTTED HER THE MONEY.

I am so glad there were no cameras on us the evening before the order form was due, because it was like we were all using math for the first time in our lives. It took all three of us to count the money and add the sales, twice, before we finally arrived at the same number. It was beyond stressful.

I know what you’re wondering: “But Erin, did you sell more than your son?” PFFT FUCK YEAH, YOUR GIRL DID. Chooch sold enough to get some janky prizes worth about $7 but more importantly, since he sold more than 20 tubs, he got to go to Pizza Hut in a limo, so even though he didn’t reach his lofty goal of 125 tubs which would have scored him a Playstation or whatever, he was very pleased.

And then I remembered that I was going to have to bring all this shit to work and distribute it, and I immediately regretted the choices I had made.

Nov 052017
 

The Crawford School of Terror was WAAY better than last year and the main reason for this was because it felt like more of the school was used and it was less dialogue and more walkthrough and jump-scare.

To begin, it was decently chilly that day and inside of the school was the line and it was desolate, and dull, it was so gray and dusty. It was about five minutes until we got in and we ended up having to go up with the people in front of us, but thankfully when we got to the top of the stairwell, the staff let them go by themselves.

Inside of the actual “haunted” part there were classrooms (Obviously) and there was a girl sitting at a desk and when we were about to walk into the next classroom, she screamed, “Don’t go in there!” When she said that I took a minute break standing in the arch way in the center of the first and second classroom and then I proceeded. It was pretty plain and mum thought that it was going to suck because there was no dialogue but that quickly changed once we got further into the attraction. There was my favorite-ish part when the fog layer (That one fog room in most haunted houses that have a layer of fog that looks like water) room came and I looked under the layer and saw someone crawling toward us under it hidden and I said, “Uh-oh,” then he jumped up and screamed.

I said, “I saw him coming from under the smoke,” and of course daddy had to say, “No you didn’t.” I just ignored him because I was triggered.

There was a hallway that we walked down and there was a shock thing and it was high up and it started making a taser noise and it was really loud. Then some girl started screaming and talking about how her “trophy?” was stolen and she thought that mum stole it then she said, “I didn’t steal it.” Then the girl said, “Well, then you better find it!” I was really excited! I really thought we were going to have to find her trophy, but no it was just part of the act. ):

Then there was a cafeteria and the lunch lady offered me worms and I said, “Umm, nah!”

Then she replied with, “THEN GET OUT OF MY CAFETERIA!”

I said, “OK, jeez!” and walked towards the door then I came to a jolt when I saw someone sitting at a table and I tried to slide past but she got up and screamed.

The next room I’m pretty sure was a pitch black hallway and some clown guy was banging on the walls and popped out and mum told me that she had almost peed her pants so I told the clown that.

Then the end came and we walked out and thought everything was over until someone popped out from behind the stairs and mum got scared again. I’m pretty sure she did pee her pants that time.

THE END. Have a good day/night!

 

 

 

Oct 222017
 

It’s Chooch back with “The Adventures of Amethyst”. Sorry to make you wait like Game of Thrones because it’s been 2 years.

Drew looked down, and started to tear up.

“What’s wrong?” Penelope asked Drew concerned.

Then all of a sudden, Drew started to laugh. She was laughing hysterically, so loud that her skin started peeling off revealing a hint of steel.

Penelope saw this and started to shout, “Guys, go! I got this.”

“How do we know?” Garnet asked worried.

“JUST GO!”

Garnet started to turn and dash but realized that they were still on a log flowing rapidly down a river. She remembered about the log and waited for it to pass by. She grabbed Amethyst by the forearm and jumped to the log. Her feet skimmed the water and she lost her grip on Amethyst.

Amethyst screamed, “Help! Quick, find something to pull me out!”

Garnet started breathing heavily, and she looked around. Her hands started to glow, and that’s when she remembered the day her parents had died. The day was October 13, the day of misfortune, and her parents had gone to the Never-ending forest to search for the endangered species of Bloorbs. Bloorbs are a furry, fluffy kind of “Lizard” and they only come out on Friday the 13th. So Garnet had to stay back with her nana, Vrov. She was the meanest, most loudest Nan in the town of Hurghston. Before her parents had gone on the trip, they handed Garnet an amulet. That amulet had a chain around it, so she put it around her neck. Her parents had made it to the forest and gotten out of their jeep, and they got all of their equipment in hand. They had walked about a mile in the forest until they heard a crack in the leaves. They assumed it was a Bloorb because they are the only reptile/mammal around at night on the 13th because all the other animals get frightened and burrow or hide.

They said together, “Litinol!” That is the spell for light.

They tip-toed over to the spot where they had heard the noise and they saw a bit of fluff. Garnet’s mom got the net and trapped it, but it didn’t move.

The dad inferred, “Wait maybe…” He picked up the lizard and it was plastic.

They said, “Oh man, whoever did this is going to die!”

They chanted the spell that explodes the radius around them, but in the middle of it, they felt a shift in their spines. They turned around to see a warrior with a hockey mask and what had been jabbed into their backs had been a machete.

Garnet started to whimper and her eyes started to glow. That flashback had made her exasperated. She grabbed the amulet that was around her neck and closed her eyes. All of a sudden she felt an alteration in her bones. Her hand started to glow even brighter and metal started poking out of her hand. It was getting longer and it started to look like a chain. She decided to throw her hand in the direction of Amethyst and the chain shot in the air towards her. It splashed in the water and Amethyst got soaked, she didn’t care because as long as she wasn’t going to die she was fine. She grabbed on to the chain and Garnet pulled the chain back into her hand. Amethyst had landed on to the land.

Despite that, Penelope and Drew were still on the log speeding down the river. Drew had completely broken in to full animatronic now. She had two metal legs that had bolts missing in certain spots, and her chest area was missing a section completely so she was smoking. Drew had swung her arm at Penelope but she had ducked and heated up her arm in the sleeve of her hoodie. Drew had ducked and kicked Penelope’s shins. Penelope reacted very sharply and almost pushed herself off of the log. Drew laughed and went for a shove but Penelope countered it and pushed Drew back. Drew had saved herself from falling but her finger dipped in the finger slightly and it made a spark. That’s when it hit Penelope. Drew is a robot, so her weakness is water and it will screw up her programming. Penelope cupped her hands and dipped it in water.

Then she said, “Hasta Lavista, Baby,” and she splashed Drew in the spot where she was smoking. The water had steamed up that spot even more and it started flaming. With the flames and all of the sparks, it was like Fourth of July, which Penelope is scared of. She lunged at Drew and landed in the water. She came out with 3rd degree burns on her lips and her neck. Penelope was close enough to the riverbank and she pulled herself up and started coughing up water and ash. She looked back and saw Drew no where. Did she escape? Did she keep going?

To Be Continued…

 

Oct 192017
 

Castle Blood: 2017 (Nostalgia Tour?)

Saturday, October 14th we went to Castle Blood and I’m not going to tell you too much detail what happens because it might ruin the fun for you. 

First, in the beginning where you get info on what you have to scavenge for, this year there was a clock in the middle of the room and you pick a number and the number you pick is the year of a random tour that has the items you have to search for. The kid in our group picked 6, so it gave us the year 2006 which was a Witch’s Goblet, Web, and a Widow. With the web it allegedly was a token but we ended up not getting it because we couldn’t solve the puzzle.

Also, in the part where we go up the stairs, we couldn’t get up because we had to tell a Halloween joke to get approved. So I panicked because I wish my friend was here because she is a jokester!

I stuttered and said, “U-mm, what- what does- is a ghost’s favorite -fruit- berry?”

There was a brief uncomfortable moment of silence and while people stared at me I gulped and said awkwardly, “A “booberry”, oh haha!”

The guy who asked us stood there perplexed and said, “Umm, I guess, umm, I guess that will be acceptable.”

I stood there all flustered and hopeful to get the beads because I like being praised, but he bequeathed the beads to the other kid and he was pronounced the leader of the faction. The kid strolled up the stairs like he ran the place and I slowly trampled up behind him.

The next most important part was how we searched for a specific piece of glass around the place, I won’t tell what it is, you will have to find out yourself.

We made it to the lab where there was a puzzle to get the token, but it ended up being too challenging so we didn’t get it. I sensed the blood rushing up to my brain about to burst because I felt agony. Agony from not solving the puzzle.

Then, there was a funeral and mum was picked to kneel down to the corpse (Freddy?) and say that she misses him. Which then some girl had to put the roses/flowers in one of the heads that she thinks could be Freddy’s and then the head would talk and say like thank you and stuff. Then we got a glass piece.

Then there was a part where I got sprayed by like water. It was a part with a spider queen and she asked if we had anything for her and we all said no and she told us to leave. Then one of her baby spiders sprayed me because I was standing right next to it. 

Finally, we got to the part where we would get the witch’s goblet. The witch said that she had some glass transforming thing that turned glass into (not telling) and she took our glass piece and put it in a pot. 

Then she pulled out a goblet out of the other pot and said, “Hmm, this isn’t a (not telling) I’ll just put it back.”

So she reached for the other pot and was about to drop it, so I said, “Oh no, don’t do that! We need that goblet!”

“Need it? Why would you need a goblet?”

“For a quest.”

Ahh I see, so here you go,” and she handed it to me and I refused.

I said, “Oh no, give it to him he needs it,” and I pointed at the other kid.

She handed the goblet to the kid and his dad snatched it from him, and then they started “brawling” and “screeching”.

That was the end of the quests and we got our fangs along with some oozing red candy as blood for the fangs. In my opinion, Castle Blood was marvelous because I loved the part where I got to tell a joke, I loved all of the puzzles, and I love how the actors take good responsibility with their roles. They really take part in their characters! You should all go and enjoy yourself.

So enjoy your day and stay tuned because I will be doing another Haunted post pretty soon!


 

 

Oct 162017
 

Friday, October 13, 2017 we went to Dark View in Toronto, Ohio with Janna and it was sweet.

In this picture I’m biting my nails because I’m “spooked”.

It was chilly while we were there and of course, like most haunted houses, there was smoke so it smelled like (smoke?).

We were waiting for some one else to get in line so we weren’t the first people because that would be really annoying and we would be the first targets and we would be the first people the guys terrorize.

I guess it was a bad idea to wait because we were the second people but we had to wait for like three more groups because of FREAKING V.I.P! V.IP always ruins everything. The host dude thing guy was telling us a (fake? true?) story, it was debatable.

It was normal and it was definitely a fake story because it was like “Pretty Boy Floyd was killed by my Grandfather. Don’t believe that the government killed him.”

Then it took a dark turn and it kind of sounded true because you wouldn’t make stuff up like this, and in the rural Trump-lovin’ area we were in, it was definitely true. Then since our groups were switched because V.I.P took half of our group we were left with these three pre-adults and they were cool, not annoying at all. (no for real, not sarcasm).

Then the three guys had to get marked to get in, but before that he had to give someone his flashlight and walking stick so he gave them to mum and she was like super excited. (I was forced to write this. Lol). Then the guy drew a butt on one of their wrists and then on the other was a spaghetti factory throwing up or something.

Then those three guys didn’t hear the story so the man was like, “I will tell you guys the history of this house.”

Then I said, “Ugh!”

He glanced at me and said, “OK, you don’t have to hear it.”

So he told the story and I stood there and waited, then we were finally going to go but the guy, let’s call him Sal, grabbed me by the shoulder and said, “You’re going first.”

I said, “Umm, No thank you.” And I walked back to our group.

He pulled me back and said, “You’re going first.”

So I went with it and walked in the shed which we had to go in before we did the attractions.

I sat at the end of one of the benches that were in there but the guy tapped me on the shoulder again and said, “No, you sit here,” as he pointed to the middle of the bench.

I asked, “Why?”

He walked away and closed the door, then the lights shut off and some dragon thing started moving and talking, it was just going over the rules like ,”Don’t touch anything, and nothing will touch you,” Boring… *Snore*

One part in the house we went into some ritual room to keep the ghosts away, and we had to do a chant (I don’t remember it, I think it was German or Russian or Gibberish) but at one point we had to form a circle and hold each others hand but when it came to daddy and one of the kids to hold each others hand, he refused. Which made the kid sad. (He cried, go to his Go Fund Me page and donate money to cure him of his depression) Comment #CureThatKid if you made it this far!

Then there was a trail and there a tree dude and I said, “Groot!” but he ignored me. );

But there was also a leaf guy and I said, “Groot’s brother!” but he also ignored me. )’:

That was the end of my sadness but then it was my joy because Michael Myers was there and I could say that mum loves him and he can follow her, which he did.

Finally we made it to a circus and it was AMAZING.

There was the main clown who lead us through the whole time and we met him at the Kissing Booth and he asked, “Does anyone want to kiss?”

He looked at daddy and said, “How ’bout you, you Big Beautiful Bearded Man, wanna give me a kiss?”

But yet again Henry made another person sad, because he likes to spread his hate all over.

So the clown led us and then this fat guy peeked over the fence and started talking to us.

“Who’s excited to see The Fat Man?? I have eyes and a smile on my belly!”

Then the main clown was like, “No one does, go away,”

Then some conversation was going on but I forget most of it.

Then we went through a maze and I lead because I’m a beautiful Corgi, and I hit a dead end then I turned around and pulled another flap and saw a guy in a hat standing there, but I squeezed passed him and exited.

Then we ended up with the fat man guy, but before that there was a gymnast who was saying, “If you liked it clap twice, and if you don’t like it clap twice because he will beat me,” and he pointed at the main clown. He ended up doing *pretty* bad but with all gave him like fifteen claps.

The fat man didn’t really do anything except make the face on his belly talk, and then he told us to go through this cushioned tunnel and tell the guys at the end that Fatso sent us.

We got to the end and of course I was leading so I got jump-scared by an air-horn. I guess it was the end because we were getting our picture taken.

When we were standing there, there was a cannon going down and I guess going to shoot but when it hit zero we all flinched, it took our picture, and it splashed us with water. That was very unexpected but I knew something was going to happen, I’m sure everyone else did too.

Overall, it was amazing. My favorite part was when “Groot” came out because he was so cool. But since I want to get to 1000 words, I’m going to write a few more. If I had to pick another part I would say the maze because I like leading! Bye guys and gals!

Oct 122017
 

Wednesday, we went to Hundred Acres Manor, and by we I mean my mom and me because Henry was spooked and scared. In my opinion, HAM this year was better than last year’s HAM. At the same time we were there I had an essay to finish but I will get to that at the end.

While we were in line waiting for HAM to open there was this couple, and another guy who was the third wheel, which the guy kept picking up the girl so she could see something and she kept saying she could see and for him to stop, so he was very annoying.

Getting ready to go in!

When we got into the inside line there were these two girls with the “Plague” and they were traumatizing everyone in line. Then they both saw me and started traumatizing me instead. They ignored mom because they said she was already “sick”. Then one of the girls was a Victorian lady and she asked me how I wanted to die and I said with no hesitation at all, “I want to get eaten by a cat!”

Then she said confusedly, “Well that’s different.”

Then she walked away because she was weirded out. Then I had to say very loud so everyone can hear me, “I am safe right here!”

So then the Victorian girl came over and leaned very close to my face and said, “You are not safe here, the monsters inside will eat you and you will end up like me, and if they don’t eat you, I will.”

Then mom said, “You like her.”

Then I glared back at her, crossed my arms and said, “Sure I do.”

Then she rolled her eyes and said, “You keep smiling when she comes over.”

“She is IN MY FACE!”

“Well you keep taunting her!”

“UGHHHHHH!”

When the doors finally opened we waited a while then I kept doing the word “elevator” in sign language because of the next part in the haunted house. Then we were by ourselves and mom instantly squirming and asking, “Is that real?”

Then I say no and we kept walking towards the elevator and the house owner (I guess) asked us if we were ready and we were quiet. Then he said, “I said are you ready!”

Then mom said, “Yes,” but I said, “No.”

Then quickly realized that that was a bad idea because he started glaring at me. Then the elevator door opened and we walked in.

A little bit further in we got to a whole outside part and it smelled of a mix of sewage, fog machine gas, and also the smell that the people spray to make it smell bad intentionally. So mum started gagging and making the noise you make when you are about to throw up because it smelled really bad. Then there was her favorite part, the re-birth part, where you walk through those cushioning things, but it was like we were actually getting re-birthed because the room was glowing red and there was a thumping of a heartbeat.

Then another one of her favorite parts was when we were walking through the foul stench of butchered meat in the slaughterhouse. She was also coughing herself moribund. Then we got to a house that had a Halloween party going on inside, and the girl who answered the door said,

“Oh thank you so much for coming! But you guys aren’t DRESSED UP!” 

“Well we forgot, sorry.”

“Don’t LIE to me!”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Enjoy your time here!”

So we walked through the house and then music came on and I started grandma dancing. While I was dancing the host came out and said, “Why aren’t you enjoying yourself!?”

Then I said, “I am. I was just dancing to the wonderful music!”

“Oh you were! Thank you guys so much! Have a great day and thanks for coming!”

That was my favorite part because it was the least scary!

 

Me after HAM, I am spooked!

We left Hundred Acres Manor and while we drove away, we could really smell the sewage. Then me and mom told dad all about HAM because that’s what we do.

 

We started heading to Eat n’ Park to meet our friend Chris. While we were waiting to order I was very tired and also couldn’t think about anything else but my essay because I only had two paragraphs on it and I needed to write 5 bodies. Then our waitress came over and took our orders.

Suddenly it became such a ludicrous moment because I ordered the salad bar and came back with a salad with no dressing. Chris and mumsy started making fun of me because of that. I didn’t understand but I thought maybe it was adult humor that I didn’t understand because it’s bad.

Haha, Cheerio!

Oct 022017
 

So this is it, the first haunted house review of 2017. So this place was about an hour away, and GOD was I bored. We got there but it ended up being the wrong place, it was some redneck festival or some kind of derby. We don’t know that for sure but the amount of middle-aged men and women in camo jackets and bandannas covering their bald head was immense. The actual haunted house was down the street a little more.

So we finally arrived at the actual haunted house and not some stupid festival. The place was somewhat crowded but yet again not really. It was also very frigid, but thankfully they had fires. Oh and also this photo was taken right after I saw this little witch and said,

“Don’t even ask-,”

“Go stand over there and I’ll take a picture.”

“Well, I expected this.”

,

We eventually got our tickets, after the ticket people asked why only two, so I said with no hesitation ,

“Because he is too scared,”

Then one of them asked, “Why are you too scared?”

“I’m not scared,” Dad groawled (my new word for groaning and growling at the same time)

Example: The tone of every word Henry Robbins says.

We got in and I instantly ran to the fire and warmed up.

 

 

We were bored and mom made me get a picture with her even though I was still warming up by the fire, oh and also we were waiting because the present hay-ride was crowded and we wanted space to ourselves so we waited till it left, and we were also waiting for it to get darker out. Somehow it got super dark in like 30 minutes, and I was confused how I didn’t see the night getting dimmer.

I asked daddy to be the killer because he has a beer-belly in real life and in the cutout, and also because daddy is a country man with a chainsaw.

We got on the hay-ride sooner or later, but it took forever because I guess the first one didn’t go until it was super dark out, and then while we were on the next one we had to wait for the first one to go through the whole thing just so we can get all of the people because while we were on, most of the guys followed us forever. While we were waiting, this dude was driving some like tractor thing with a coffin on the back of it and then some lady was like,

“Oh that’s a coffin ride, you pay $5 per person to ride in the coffin, and he takes you to the little cemetery and you get your picture taken.”

Then some lady said, “Oooooh, we have to do that! We have to do that after this, we are going to do it, right???”

The lady was way too stoked I thought maybe she was gonna push everyone out of the way to be first in line for it because she kept saying how fun it sounded and how she was going to do it.

So after like 20-30 minutes we finally started to go and move forward. We saw the fake cemetery that you drive past in the coffin. I thought it was real and you go a pretty far distance but, no. Also it was a pretty long while until the first guy approached us, and of course it was a fun house/show, but it wasn’t a clown like you would suspect, no it was a ring master type guy, he wore mostly all black with white stripes on most of what he was wearing. He also had white face paint with black eye shadow and outline around his mouth. Then some psycho patient guy was climbing on all of the bars and poles on the trailer and he was getting in everyone’s face and business. Then I saw Freddy, of course because he is a very popular choice at haunted houses, he started climbing and doing weird gymnastic type stuff all of the tractor and I could of sworn he was going to fall and break a leg or something, but no. He also jumped onto a hearse and started riding on top of it while it was moving, and it was some crazy stuff.

During the hay-ride, I didn’t want all of the monsters to stay all over me, so I told all of them that my mom was making fun of them even though she wasn’t.

Then, there were these chainsaw guys who made me cringe because they had they saws pressed against the bars and it was making a screeching sound and it started to vibrate the whole floor of the tractor, and he did it right next to me!

Then we came to a stop and we got off. Now we had to separate into 2 groups, I guess 5 to 5. We ended up with the two ladies who were talking about the coffin ride thingy. They were fine, they weren’t annoying. We had to go through a corn maze which was really simple and boring because the 1st group got every single chainsaw guy and we got through no problem what so ever. Then that was the end of the hay-ride/maze part. Now onto the actual haunted house! So mom and I went through by ourselves and she was like panicking and stuff and I held onto her so she didn’t get scared, but it made her even more scared because she kept asking if that was me holding her. Then every haunted house has to have a doll room, so we got into the doll room and the girl asked if we wanted to play and I said,

“Sure! What do you wanna play?”

Obviously, no one ever asked her what she wanted to play because most people run and scream. So she took a while to find something to play, and then she glanced at the dolls and then mum pulled me out of that room and I called,

“Sorry! Can’t play right now!”

Skipping ahead a little bit we got to one of those cushioned tunnel or in mum’s words, Birth Canal. Of course mum hates it so she zoomed through it while I fell behind.

She was running so fast that I had to keep up with her and then we caught up to the group that went in 10 minutes before us. Oh and she also kept going,

“What is THIS???”

“What is THAT???”

“Omg!!!”

Then there was this weird hearse road thing and there were two hearses that were like crashed and trashed. Then some pig guy jumped at us and mum left me behind.

After all of that there was a slaughter house type thing where a pig looking butcher dude was staring at me and I said,

“I don’t approve of what you do for a living,”

Get it? I don’t like how he chops up, you know? No? Whatever.

Then there was this man with a cattle prod and he was snapping it constantly and it was creepy.

Then yet again with the cringe there were these chainsaw guys using the saw on metal again! And it was very CRINGY!

So those were all of the important parts of the Hay-Ride and Haunted House part of Valley of Terror that I could gather for you all today, but there is still one more thing I need to add.

 

This was taken in the coffin ride because mum and I chose to do it together because she refused to do it without me, definitely not the other way around….

So she thought it was just going to be a plain old boring ride in a fake coffin but there was a twist. It took forever basically and when we got to the cemetery the lights in the coffin turned off, and there was this weird lullaby or chant sang by these creepy kids, and then the base of the coffin shocked us, and also mum would not stop talking through the whole thing.

So there you go, those are all of the important details that I could possibly gather up for this post. See ya!

Sep 162017
 

 

Chooch volunteered to do a photoshoot the other day because he wanted me to buy him Roblox money, whatever that means. So we went to an alley in Brookline because the weeds and garbage are on point back there.

Kpop vs Everybody, you guys. It sure feels like that sometimes! Although, Chris came over last night and completely let herself be immersed in our crazy culture takeover. Henry even made us japchae, and we watched Running Man and Bigbang videos and THEN WE DID SOME KPOPX.

It was such a fun night. Especially when Chooch and I took her on a Friday night walking tour through Brookline to get ice cream and she got to hear a bunch of people screaming because BROOKLINE.

I mentioned this once before, but this garage door is at the back of Las Palmas, a Mexican grocery store here in Brookline. About a year ago, some racist pricks (Trump supporters, for sure) spraypainted Mexican slurs on it but sucks to be them because this beautiful mural was Brookline’s response to THAT noise. Don’t fuck with our peeps.

(I have a major crush on one of the guys who runs the famous taco cart out front of the store. He has an eyebrow ring and he very sweetly says hello to me when I walk by which is often I’m a psycho walker, but if Henry is with me, THERE IS ONLY SILENCE. Henry ruins all of my crushes.)

Chooch got his hair cut a few weeks ago and it was TOO SHORT. But it’s growing, slowly but surely, and Chooch is starting to look like his old self again.

Still, some of these pictures make me do a double-take because he looks too old and I hate it.

Because he was getting paid in fake Internet money, Chooch was fucking FULL of poses on this day, man. He’d be talking all casually and then see me raise the camera and get all Blue Steel on me.    

This picture was on SCHOOL GROUNDS. I was like “Do you think we’ll get in trouble?” and Chooch pointed at a sign that said something about how absolutely NO USE of the school grounds was tolerated without permission from the superintendent or something. “I mean….” Chooch shrugged.

And that was that. 45 minutes of picture-posing and NO FIGHTING. It’s because Henry wasn’t with us.

 

Sep 112017
 

Hi Guys! Chooch here and I am going to be telling all about my Injuries all over Chicago!

So this one is very much important and I am flipping off Trump Tower because long story short I fell down the steps on the back and twisted my ankle, but not that bad.  :P Trump should leave America alone and worry about making his steps great again.

Next, this pho was taken directly after I had been slammed in the trolley door. So we were getting off at this stop and all of a sudden Daddy stops and I am tapped in between the doors and I can’t go anywhere. Then all of a sudden, the doors closed and I was stuck for a split second. But thankfully daddy started moving and I got out!

Another injury happened when we were walking to some pizza place and daddy stuck his hand down my pants “Accidently” and so I did it to him, and he put his elbow back to push me away but he ended up hitting me right in the mouth. So it looked like daddy abused me.

 

The last injuries that happened both in the span in 30 seconds, was at Rite-Aid and I got medicine because I was sick. But I also went into the bathroom because I had to, and I hit my elbow off the door, and I was like “Ow!” and then when I went into the stall I slammed my finger in the door on accident and it hurt for like 10 minutes.

So there you guys go, those are the 4… Oh hey! I missed one!

So the pizza place we were headed to, when I got hit in the mouth (See Sentence 3), we ended up not going to because it was crowded and I was kind of crying soooooo we didn’t go there, we went to another pizza place really close by. And I stopped crying so it was fine until we got a table and we were ordering and I banged my elbow of the edge of the table, I was fine but it stung for a second.

So there you go, that was the 5 injuries I had in Chicago, I hope you enjoyed! Make sure you SMASH that like button, and also Subscribe to Ohhonestlyerin and leave a comment telling what you liked and what you maybe thought was dumb that I added! PEACE!

 

Aug 252017
 

With Erin & Chooch

I volunteered to work the last three Friday late shifts for August because we get to work those from home and I thought to myself, “Golly wouldn’t it be swell to spend some of these last summer Fridays with my little baby boy?!” 

Lol. 

On every one of these Fridays, we went out for breakfast. And that is what this blog post is about, ok?

On the first Friday, we walked to Orbis Cafe in Mt. Lebanon. It took about 25-30 minutes to get there but it was a beautiful, mild summer morning so we didn’t show up sopping with sweat or anything. Don’t worry. 

Hilariously, we had just been joking around at work about someone who listed “third wave coffee” as an interest on their resume, and now here I was, at a cafe that totally promoted that movement, what with their multiple, confusing brewing options. 

I panicked and just got a pour over,  because I was only familiar with that and French press. Then I had to choose a coffee blend and it was a real high-anxiety experience, almost as bad as waiting for public transportation or being randomly called on in class. 

I’m easily rattled ok?!

I’m conflicted with this place. The two women working that day were pleasant but the service was…..

Just not that wonderful. For starters, I stood at the counter the entire time the one barista was making my pourover because I noticed other people standing around too. I had Chooch grab us a table while I continued waiting. 

I stood there for at least 8 minutes before one of the girls walked out from behind the counter and brought Chooch’s breakfast to him (fruit and nut yogurt, and a bagel which he could have had at home but whatever). 

Apparently the people standing around were waiting for their to-go drinks. I didn’t have to be standing there at all, yet neither of the two baristas said anything to me, or even asked me if I needed something! THEY JUST LET ME STAND THERE LIKE A LOST SHEEP. 

So I went and sat down with Chooch, feeling stupid and completely spotlighted. It was about 15 minutes later when I had finished my coffee and he had finished his breakfast, when I started to hard-core wonder where the hell my breakfast wrap was. I kept looking over shoulder at the counter and couldn’t tell if it was still being heated up or what. 

“I mean, I DID order it right?” And of course Chooch made me doubt that my order had gone any further than just being a thought in my head. But then I started doing the math and confirmed that I definitely paid for it. 

I was about to go up to the counter and just ask for a refund (or possibly a CHEMEX) when one of the baristas started asking, “Breakfast wrap?” to every table she walked past. Then she met my eyes and suddenly realized that it was mine and she had FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT. 

“I’m so sorry!” she said, setting down the lukewarm wrap in front of me. It had obviously been abandoned on the counter for quite some time. 

I’d give them a free pass if the joint had been exceptionally busy but it was boasting a basic hustle and bustle that morning. 

They’re lucky I’m a sell-out and all up on the Third Wave Coffee train now because their pourover was EXCEPTIONAL and just delicious enough to not only drink black, but to forgive them for their wrap-dementia. 

I’ll be back for coffee but not breakfast. (Although their display of baked goods looked pretty good.)


For our second Friday, we were treated with a very heavy downpour. We tried to wait it out as long as possible but we were both swinging from hunger’s lunacy fringe so we left the house with our one shared umbrella and dealt with it. 

Everything was mostly fine. We walked past our old neighbor who didn’t go very far—just down the street—and a split second after cutely saying hello (she loves us and thinks we look like twins so take that everyone who always says that they see no resemblance) we were puddle-splashed in the most dramatic fashion by some FUCKSTICK in a truck.

Even if we had been double-umbrella’d, there was no protection from that one. 

So that was swell!

We reluctantly opted for Dorstop this time. I say reluctantly for two reasons:

  • Dorstop is majorly over-rated and their figurative head is entirely too enlarged from That One Time they were featured on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives like 10 years ago. 
  • We’ve been anxiously awaiting this one place called Parker’s to open. They used to be across the sreeet from Dorstop in Dormont, but they moved to a great spot on Brookline Blvd — basically still the same walking disgance for us but we spend more time walking on Brookline Blvd than we do on the street where they used to be located, plus this new spot is bigger! We always chide Henry because he’s never been to Parker’s so we treat it like it’s a club he doesn’t belong to. “You act like you guys were regulars there but you only ate there like theee times.” Twice, and both times were memorable because PARKER HIMSELF talked to us and he is AWESOME and no I DONT HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM OK I DO.

I mean. 

So we begrudgingly went to Dorstop and I was just really happy to get away from the rain. Of course it was packed, even on a weekday morning, because Guy Fieri ate there once, y’all. 

:|

Of course everyone turned to look at us when the bells on the door jingled and I hadn’t even told them Large Marge sent us yet. 

 Right off the bat, a synthetic ginger broad asked us how many in a disgruntled grumble, coupled with a very surly, “Follow me.”

I was ready to walk the fuck out because what a rude twat. But…rain. 

Luckily we had a nice young waitress who gave me coffee immediately and our food was fine. (I had potato pancakes; Chooch had an omelette which wasn’t nearly as good as the one he had at The Twist, the one that had him throwing down glitter on “Honk If You Love Artichokes” signs.)

It was fine but I would never recommend it nor would I take any out-of-town guests there. 

Which brings us to today…

Our last Friday Breakfast Club meeting for the foreseeable future. :(

Me: I’m sad that this is our last day of Friday Breakfast Club.

Chooch: We literally only went to breakfast three times, though—how is that a club?!

Ugh shut up Chooch. 

This time we went to Tom’s. We could have went there last week instead of Dorstop but we had eaten at Tom’s for dinner (WITH BARB, UGH BARB) two nights before. 

I originally suggested Cain’s Saloon which is open early on Fridays for breakfast (allegedly) but Chooch was all, “Um I feel like that’s a place that daddy would want to go to with us so we should just go to Tom’s” and I’m not a fool I know it’s because Cain’s is a longer walk and he was itchin’ to get home and play with his dumb friends. 

NO ONE IS BETTER THAN MOMMY, CHOOCH—NO ONE!!! I WONT LET THEM TAKE U AWAY FROM ME!

But yeah! Anyway! You know! Can’t go wrong with Tom’s! I had the Greek eggs Benedict and Chooch had eggs and home fries I guess. All I remember is him complaining about the nerve of restaurants that serve jelly packets with their toast, assuming that everyone uses jelly. 

Turns out Chooch is not a fan of jelly on his toast. 

“It just belongs on PB&J and nothing else,” he shared with me and I BET HIS DUMB FRIENDS ALREADY KNOW ABOUT THAT DONT THEY? I AM SO OUT OF TOUCH. 

I’m not having feelings about him starting sixth grade on Monday. Pfft. That’s you,  not me. 

UGH JUST GO AWAY. 

Jul 152017
 

Henry had to work for a few hours this morning, so Chooch and I were over here unsupervised. I decided that I didn’t want to make coffee so I woke him up and suggested that we walk down to Brookline Boulevard so I could get an iced latte from Cafe Noir. I used to hate Cafe Noir because it moved in when Cannon Coffee closed, and the first latte I had tasted strange, not bad per se, but just kind of off. However, I’ve been there numerous times since then and the lattes have been phenomenal so now I think it was a problem with the soy milk that day? MAYBE IT WAS ROTTEN?! I don’t know.

Anyway, Chooch and I made it all the way there without disaster or talking to strangers or getting bit by dogs. I guess it was too early for domestic disputes, and the bars weren’t open yet, so the Boulevard was pretty quiet.

Las Palmas didn’t even have their insanely popular taco cart set up yet — it was that early.

Even too early for any strippers to be leaning all slinkily inside doorframes. (Chooch and I actually passed a trio of suspect hookers/strippers the other evening. When I mentioned it after we walked away, Chooch said, “Oh I didn’t notice. Why do you think they’re strippers? Because the one had on that that black shirt that was open all the way down to her bellybutton with a small bra underneath—”

And I interrupted to say, “Yeah and she had on that leather—”

“Choker,” Chooch finished knowingly. OK but yeah, he didn’t noticed.)

But yeah, back to this morning.

We made it to Cafe Noir, where I finally got my morning fix and Chooch ordered his Arnold Palmer with a strangulated stutter and then dwelled on it for the next minute, and probably even longer had we not noticed a small lump on the sidewalk two storefronts up from Cafe Noir.

At first I thought it was a furry leaf, but upon further inspection, Chooch and I found out that it was a MOTH! The largest moth I ever saw in real life! It was laying on its side with its wings together, so it just looked like a basic moth. I didn’t like that it was sitting out in the path of walkers, joggers, bikers, skaters, dogs, future serial killers who love to pull wings off beautiful things….so I said urgently to Chooch, “We have to move him. He’s not safe here!”

Chooch dove headfirst into the deep end of the animal rescue pool. If he was wearing long sleeves, this would be where he rolled them up in a serious LET’S DO THIS motion. JUST LIKE ON TV.

Ever since I was a child, I was always told DO NOT TOUCH A MOTH BECAUSE YOU WILL RUB OFF THE POWDER FROM ITS WINGS AND IT WILL DIEEEEE. So I have never touched a moth or a butterfly because I’m not a murderer.

Of animals or insects, that is.

So I grabbed the nearest leaf and gently tapped it against the moth’s legs or whatever they’re called.

And it was at that moment that it twitched and sat up straight, and in the most dramatic fashion it spread it’s huge wings open wide to reveal the grandest markings I have ever seen on this side of a slideshow in a darkened science classroom.

Chooch and I cried a seriously impressed “WHOA!” in unison, and leaned in closer to admire this total babe all spread out in front of us. People were walking by giving us double takes, because what are those dummies looking at, last night’s puke? A discarded syringe?

NO, JUST A GIFT FROM NATURE, RIGHT HERE IN FROM THE RECORD STORE. YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND.

I swear to god, this majestic moth was the size of half my hand. We expected it to fly away now that it’s wings were open, but it still just sat there.

“Maybe it’s injured,” I said sadly. We tried a few more times to move it, to at least scoot it over closer to the window of the record store where it was out of the direct path of foot traffic but it was becoming increasingly clear that it wasn’t going to budge.

“We can’t do this without something sturdier to slide under it. I hate to leave it but I don’t think there’s anything we can do for it without touching it with our hands and I don’t want to hurt it!” I cried.

“Too bad we don’t have like, a plastic lid or something,” Chooch shrugged hopelessly as we started to walk away. And then 10 feet later, no lie, there was an old red tupperwear lid laying on the sidewalk.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS, ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? IT WAS A FUCKING OMEN! Just like the time Chooch was singing some semi-obscure song from the 80s that I can’t remember at the time of this writing, and then it came on the radio at Eat n Park. He has a bit of magic in him I think. OR HE’S REALLY GOOD AT HIDING HIS SORCERY SCHOOL SYLLABUS. Why did I capslock that, who knows with me, I have blogging dementia. 

Chooch grabbed the magically materialized lid and we excitedly ran back to our post-caterpillar charity case and if this were a silent film from the 20s, the caption at the bottom would say HELP IS ON THE WAY! as Chooch and I crashed into each other and fell into a heap of incompetence and idiocy.

With steady concentration and determination, we were able to scoop the moth up on the lid. There was a small grassy area — you know, like a tree bed or whatever you call those parts of sidewalks that are grassy with flowers and bushes and usually some small trees too — a few feet away from our starting point, and I made it almost all the way there before the moth flopped back onto the sidewalk.

“Nooo!” Chooch and I yelled with unbridled anguish. We sat back down on the sidewalk, trying to essentially tickle the moth back onto the lid with a leaf.

An old man stopped.

“Wow, that’s a big Monarch butterfly!” he exclaimed and we were like yeah whatever guy it’s not a butterfly, probably, but we don’t know, so maybe. (Actually, we used our Phone a Friend lifeline later and asked Chris via text, who confirmed that it was a moth so…..sucks to be wrong, old man.)

I explained that it appeared to be injured so we wanted to move it out of harm’s way so that he wouldn’t think we were mothnapping it for our bug prostitution ring or something.

“Oh it’s injured?” he repeated.

Well I mean it’s NOT FLYING AWAY SO EITHER HELP US OR LEAVE, OLD MAN, UGH.

He lost interest and left.

But then a couple who had passed us earlier paused on their way back. The man part of the couple got real close to us and asked tentatively, “So, what’s going on here?” while the girl part of the couple stood far back, shaking her head in an UH UH, NOPE, NO BUGS FOR ME fashion.

We sighed and explained once again our mission, but this man, this kind brave avuncular soul said to us, “Oh, I have something that I can help.”

He set down the shopping bag he was carrying and I waited for him to pull out the butterfly net or the Magic Moth Dust jar, but instead it was two Avon flyers. He placed one on the ground, on either side of the moth, slowly pushed them together until the moth was in the middle of the makeshift gurney, and asked us, “Where we taking it?”

Chooch pointed to the grass next to us, and our wonderful Samaritan gently laid the flyers down and let the moth free in its new safe haven.

“Oh my god, thank you so much!” I cried.

“Oh, you’re welcome! I like helping animals too. Oh, and while I’m at it….” he said, pausing to reach into his shopping bag for the chloroform-soaked handkerchiefs to help him turn Chooch and me into the latest items of his People of Brookline trafficking catalogue. “—I’m helping my daughters sell Avon, so you keep that flyer and here’s an Avon book, too,” he said, handed me all kinds of Avon literature, which I happily accepted because I’d rather wear gross Avon perfume than a chloroform handkerchief any day.

The guy’s name was Marcus, and I will never forget him.

As we parted ways, saying one last goodbye to Moth, we turned just in time to see a man walking his pug straight into the path of where we had originally found Moth.

“DID YOU SEE THAT?!” Chooch yelled with his hand over his chest like a Golden Girl. “THAT is why we had to move that moth!”

I wholeheartedly agreed.

We walked the rest of the way home, sucking on our Cafe Noir drinks with the force of two firefighters, exhausted and dehydrated from putting out some 5 Alarm blaze, recounting our Super Big Exciting OMG Can You Believe It Morning, adrenaline pumping and egos flaring. Then Chooch and some old man crashed into each other on Pioneer Ave, and then awkwardly stood in a weird embrace as the old man struggled to regain his bearings, and Chooch wiped his Arnold Palmer spills from his shirt. It was great to watch as a third-party bystander.

As soon as we got home, I sent Henry this text:

He literally had no fucks and negative cares to give about this. Chooch and I were extremely offended.

“What exactly did you save it from?” Henry went on to text from work.

“Imminent death?!” I replied, like duh, what a dumb question, and Henry replied that he thought I was being a bit extreme.

*************************************************

“Why didn’t you just pick it up?” Henry asked me just a little while ago, so I told him about what I had learned as a kid.

“Didn’t you ever hear that?” I asked.

“No!” he laughed, and his outright skepticism made me google it just now and turns out IT’S NOT TRUE! So I basically missed out on 30+ years of moth touching? I did read a lot of things just now that say while it won’t kill moths and butterflies, it could still shorten their lifespan and handling them incorrectly could fatally injure them. So probably it’s for the best that we didn’t pick up Moth with our fumbling, uncoordinated meat-mitts. I also read that they like to play dead, so hopefully that means Moth wasn’t actually injured, but just in some type of self-preservation mode.

A few hours ago, Chooch and I walked back to where we left Moth, and he was gone! We took that as a good sign, that Moth presumably flew home to his family in….a bush or wherever they live, with Saturday morning donut crumbs from Party Cake bakery. What I refuse ti believe is that some dumb dog devoured him or that it hopped out into the road and…..don’t make me spell it out for you. :(

God, it feels great to be a hero though. If I was a Girl Scout, I bet I would have earned a badge.

Jul 082017
 

I woke up bright and early on day two of KCON and demanded that Henry go down to the lobby and score us breakfast muffins since Chooch and I are pathetic children with little-to-no life skills and depend on our burly manservant to keep us alive.

In other words, I didn’t have my makeup on yet.

When we went downstairs to wait for our Lyft, the lobby was bustling with tour groups preparing for a day in NYC, and I felt a twinge of jealousy.

Originally, we were going to skip the convention on the second day and go to NYC instead since we were so close that we could actually see it from Newark and it was TANTALIZING. But then I ended up scoring that fan engagement for Up10tion on the day we registered, and that was scheduled for 11am on Saturday. We considered going after that, but I started to panic about all the unknowns: the traffic; getting engulfed by the dark underbelly of the city, never to resurface; being seduced by the bright lights and losing all track of time; getting stabbed in Central Park — YOU KNOW, ALL THE NORMAL NYC THINGS.

Plus, none of us have ever been to NYC (I’ve only been to JFK and LaGuardia airports, which don’t count) and would a few hours on a Saturday afternoon truly be enough to satiate the naive tourists in us? So we decided that we would come back another time, when we have nothing else to do, and can devote a whole weekend to shuffling around in fanny packs and sun visors.

Alas, our Lyft driver rolled up around 9:45 and Henry started tersely whispering, “Sit in the front. Erin, sit in the front. Please sit in the front.” And then as I slid into the backseat next to Chooch, “Fuck you.”

I guess he felt uncomfortable sitting in the passenger seat next to the young girl driver? Lol.

Chooch and I both preferred Friday’s Lyft driver over this one. Friday’s was super talkative, but Saturday’s was very stiff and quiet. She had vinyl stickers all over her car, begging for a five-star rating. Girl, Jessica Simpson was playing on your radio when we got in the car. No 5 stars for you.

This reminds me: the Lyft driver from KCON day one had on some Top 40 radio station from NYC and the DJs were talking about Charlie Puth, how in his latest song “Attention,” there is a part where his voice cracks a little, and how most pop singers would have been like, “I need to re-record this part” but Charlie was like, “No, keep it. This is real and my emotions caused this” or whatever. I’ve heard that song several times prior to this but never noticed the part they were talking about until they played it and isolated the exact word where his voice kind of turns into a whisper and it gave me actual chills. Now I have much more appreciation for Charlie Puth and have listened to that song a million times since that day because it moves me to tears.

I will always think of riding in the backseat of Lyft Driver Carolina’s car, past the Newark airport and into the industrial section of Newark, every time I hear this song.

The second day of the convention was mostly the same, but with different panels and fan engagements. We hit up all the booths again, filling up on more free samples, and this time we managed to get Henry in on the Drama Fever action. We chose the Goblin background this time but it was dumb with three of us because the whole point is that you’re supposed to wear a red scarf and then stand facing to the right with your arm outstretched so it looks like you’re pointing at the Goblin’s sword BUT WHATEVER IT’S FINE.

Every single person in line in front of us won at the wheel spinning thing so we had a feeling that we were about to kill the streak. Plus, the people remembered my Instagram name and I think they were like, “OH SHIT, CAN’T HAVE A DOUBLE WINNER!” so we lost, UGH. I was hoping to win a Twice fan engagement but WHATEVER IT’S FINE I’LL LIVE.

:(

We should have posted the picture on Chooch’s Instagram instead. I’m so stupid.

Around 10:30, I made my way to the area where the fan engagement lines were. Since I was just in the basic no hi-touch audience for this one, I felt much less stress. That is, until the boy in front of me dipped under the yellow queue tape because there was literally no one line so I followed suit AND WHO IS THE ONE WHO GOT YELLED AT? ME! THE SHEEP!

Ugh, that’s the second time I got scolded at one of these damn things! I will try harder to stand up straight and be a perfect Pollyanna rule abider next time! God I felt like such a dick! But then I also had rage because hello THAT GUY DID IT FIRST, yell at him, too. :(

But the next security person I encountered totally made up for it — she was such a character and really made the most of her job of checking our fan engagement tickets and clicking her little people-counter thing by interacting with us, dancing, and just being a damn fool. The girl several people in front of me apparently had a hi-touch card and the security lady was all, “OOOH SHIT GIRL, you in the WRONG LINE! You better get your butt over there so you can touch your cute little Korean boys!” and then she made sure the other security people let the girl into the correct line. It was so nice of her!

I loved that lady. Why couldn’t they all be as nice as her? :(

This time, I was smart and left my purse with Henry so that I didn’t get all held up in that fucking bag-check fuckarow again, although it seemed like they had sorted out the system by Saturday and the lines were moving pretty smoothly.

Similarly to KNK, I didn’t know much about Up10tion but these fan engagements really make it impossible to not fall in love with the groups, regardless of how well you know them. Kevin Woo was the MC for this one and they jokingly asked him to be their 10th member, since one of the guys left, taking them down to a nine-member group and making their name awkward. (Kevin Woo used to be in the kpop group U-Kiss, in case you didn’t know, but now he’s the host of an English kpop show in Seoul called After School Club. Now you know.)

Up10tion said that they were going to debut their new song “Runner” at the show that night, and then one of them sang a quick verse and I knew I was going to like it. Then some older woman in front of me farted, which was already horrible, but another woman was fanning herself with one of the cardboard fans that 7397498274 booths were handing out, and in the process she was essentially volleying the other lady’s fart right into my face at break-neck speeds. It was like fart-concentrate, not having the chance to disperse on its way to my nostrils. I was straight up gagging, you guys. Straight up gagging.

Even with the farts and scoldings for fake line-jumping, the Up10tion fan engagement was worth it. It was similar to KNK’s, in that there was a brief and language-barrier’d Q&A session, and then they also played charades (the audience’s category choice was overwhelmingly “animals” which was not my pick — I was in the minority who wanted them to act out kpop songs, but whatever). Super fucking fun though, especially watching their awkward display of aegyo.

(I’m obsessed with aegyo. I wish Henry more of it.)

Up10tion are freaking adorable.

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Meanwhile, Henry and Chooch were across the street in the other part of the convention that had all of the food and kpop vendors, but more importantly: the large, air-conditioned Amazon Mobile Masters tent. Chooch pretty much camped out in there and it was soooo boring to me. However, while I was in my fan engagement, Chooch got involved in some contest inside. There was an area with a bunch of Amazon Fires set up, and every so many hours there was a new game challenge going on. From 10-12, it was Crossy Roads. Chooch loves that game, and the top 3 high scores won prizes. First places got an Amazon Fire, and Chooch was determined to win. By the time I made my way over there, he had the current high score with 30 minutes left.

He was stalking that area like a cat looking for a mouse. All the Amazon volunteers thought it was hilarious and kept teasing him. “That guy’s coming close to beating your score, you want me to kick him?” one of them jokingly said to Chooch who looked like he was about to chew through his lip.

He was making me nervous with his pacing, so Henry and I went outside to look at all of the things he wouldn’t let me buy because I’m not a 16-year-old with a locker to decorate, UGH. However, I did buy a Twice pin at one of the booths, because they were raffling off a Twice Candybong (that’s what Twice’s light sticks are called,  I TEACH YOU SO MUCH!) and in order to enter, all you had to do was purchase one Twice-related item from their booth. I had my eye on the Twice zombie pin anyway, so I gladly bought it. The girl at the booth told me that I just had to put down my contact info on a clipboard after some other girl was finished with it, so I was standing there patiently when some fucking pushy dickhead guy came barreling through the crowd and said, “I WANT TO ENTER TOO” and started PULLING THE CLIPBOARD from the girl while she was still writing, I couldn’t even believe his audacity, maybe because I wasn’t raised to have total disregard for those around me, and it always blows my mind when I witness this kind of ME ME ME I WANT IT NOW behavior. It was the only disheartening moment of all of KCON, fan-wise, which I guess is a good thing. Most people were super chill and not pushy assholes at all.

“You have to buy something from this booth in order to enter,” I said, but he completely ignored me and went right on scribbling his shitty info down.

“He’s going to be the one who wins, too,” I cried to Henry afterward, who asked if I said something to the girl at the booth, but NO I DIDN’T because I’m tired of always being the fucking tattle-tale in life. I didn’t want some pointless confrontation to sully my experience at KCON so I chose to move on with my Twice pin shining brightly on my shorts next to G-Dragon. <3

(Spoiler: I didn’t win the Candybong.)

Back inside the Amazon tent, things were heating up. Chooch made frenemies with some guy who didn’t care about the challenge until he found out what the prizes were, and then he came close to beating Chooch’s score while Chooch was nervously hulking around, wringing his hands and dabbing his brow.

One of the Amazon guys came over and asked, “He yours?” and then started cracking up when I said sighed. Chooch won over all the Amazon people in there and I feel like they were would have been just as sad as Chooch if he lost.

Butttttt, he doesn’t lose. Because he’s freaking Good Luck Chooch. So then we had to stick around while the brat was presented with his Fire and got his picture taken in the Winner’s Chair.

Maybe I should have entered that Candybong raffle in Chooch’s name. :(

“I’m glad I came in first and not second because that prize was an Echo, and I already won one of those yesterday,” Chooch said with a wave of his hand, like the Echo was quite literally yesterday’s news. I can’t believe this kid and his luck.

I drowned my bitterness in a piping hot cup of ttkeokbokki after that and all was right in the world again.

Then after lunch, we were walking past the convention stage and the I Love K-Food people were there, tossing some of their products out into the crowd. OF COURSE Chooch’s grubby hand shot up and snatched the very last thing of ramen that was chucked.

Ugh.

My favorite part of KCON (aside from the actual concert) was all the dancing. Can you tell that Henry agrees?! 💃🏼

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This video is actually from the first day, I think, but I can’t stress enough how much fun I had watching people dance. The dancing is really what drew me into kpop in the first place, because the exercise routines I do adapt a lot of moves from the music videos and incorporate it into the aerobics. I have very little rhythm and fail miserably anytime I try to learn legit choreography, but this method works for me. I wish I could do the official dances though! I’ll keep trying and hoping that it clicks.

After milling about for another hour or so, we decided to leave so that Chooch and I wouldn’t be totally drained at the concert later, like we had been the night before. That’s a lot of time under the sun. We wanted to get ice cream, anyway, and I can’t believe that there were no stands at KCON serving patbingsoo, or any type of bingsoo for that matter! What a disservice to the KCON patrons!

This was the line for one of the fan engagements as we were leaving.

We took a Lyft back to the hotel and grabbed our car. I found a place on my least favorite app, Yelp, called Nasto’s. It was supposed to be a classic establishment in Newark but I was more interested in going because of the name.

It turned out to be a good choice because they had a thing I’ve never heard of called tartufo – I had the peanut butter version and it was AMAZING. Like a large ice cream version of a buckeye.

Are buckeyes regional? I don’t know, but my Grandma Kelly used to make them all the time when I was a kid and they were the best buckeyes I’ve ever had. Literally just a small nug of PB coated with glorious chocolate. The best. So this was like an inflated one of those, with a delicious mound of vanilla ice cream underneath that cap of chocolate, with ribbons of sweet-ass peanut butter swirling through it like candied veins. Ugh, it was so good that Chooch immediately ordered one too after just seeing mine.

Henry got a scoop of cannoli and something else that he can’t remember because he’s lame. I feel like we were not getting along around this time for some reason and it probably had nothing to do with the fact that I needed a nap.

Copying me.

I consulted Roadside America for some adventure ideas but almost everything was in NYC. I did find some type of cemetery that had like, tunnels in it or something, that wasn’t too far away. Henry was so angry because we ended up having to go over some toll bridge, and then I started flipping out because I looked to the right and the Statue of Liberty was RIGHT THERE, like very close, and I am seriously terrified of the Statue of Liberty, to the point where I’m pretty certain I will never be able to tour it like a true American and that’s something that I will have to carry with me on my own, OK, so don’t try to reason with me!

But then NYC was right there too, a stone’s throw away, and Chooch was freaking out because he wanted to go so badly and I did too (mostly because there are 58 different ice cream places over there on my list) but there was just no way we could swing it. And then the cemetery we were looking for turned out to be super small with no parking and some type of festival/farmers market was happening so we were like FUCK THIS and went back to the hotel to get some rest before the concert, and by “get some rest,” I mean that Chooch and I went to the fitness room and proceeded to sweat our asses off like maniacs training for the Giddy Olympics while Henry went to Subway to get us dinner.

Only one more part left to go of the KCON saga. OMG, can you manage to trudge through to the end?!

May 292017
 

The first game of the Stanley Cup finals is on right now and I’m trying to keep from ripping out my hair by editing photos.

So here are some photos of Chooch being mad that he’s a part of my therapy.

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Taking these pictures took all of five minutes but he was SO PUT UPON because his dumb neighbor friends were waiting for him to start some lame Roblox game for them to join, whatever that means.

The end.