Aug 122018
 

You guys rioted* when my other serial killer notecard set didn’t include Jeffrey Dahmer, so here is the much-anticipated second series with 8 more vicious bastards to terrorize mail recipients, including the ever-popular Jeffrey Dahmer.

*(OK literally just one person was like “No Dahmer?” on Instagram. But hey this is proof that I consider your feedback!)

Each card features 1970s wallpaper backgrounds and famous quotes from each killer, or as I like to alternately call these: Things Not to Say on a First Date.

Or job interview.

Or ever, probably.

These cards are the A2 size, smaller than the single cards I sell in this shop. 8 envelopes are included for free. I was going to charge extra for them but my boyfriend showed me the definition of “dick move” and it said “Charging extra for envelopes.”

This set includes: Jeffrey Dahmer, Carl Panzram, Charles Manson, BTK/Dennis Rader, Gary Ridgway/Green River Killer, Henry Lee Lucas, Richard Speck, and Andrei Chikatilo (somehow I realized that in the 10 years I’ve been making these cards, I don’t have a single Chikatilo design, like America’s the only country with deranged killers).

I wanted to give the second series more of a retro feel, whereas the first set is more of a “granny’s stationary drawer” feel. I had so much perusing various 1970s wallpaper designs, that’s for sure. (Much less fun looking up killer quotes, though.)

Gary Ridgway.

Henry Lee Lucas.

BTK.

I think we can all use that “head dropping” excuse though, right? I was definitely dropped on my head as a kid and also as a teenager when Jared and Damien were trying to drag me over to the window of our 8th grade homeroom because my mega-crush was outside and I was like DONT MAKE ME TALK TO HIM and one of them DROPPED ME ON MY HEAD because I was not going willingly and I saw animated bluebirds for real, you guys.

Granted, I haven’t killed anyone or even tortured or bound anyone yet but at least if I decide to, I know I have a SOLID EXCUSE.

J/K please don’t report me. 

Andrei Chikatilo

This one just makes me laugh, but also it makes me wish that some group of people would want to buy my brains when I die.

Charles Manson, le duh.

Has there ever been a more relevant sentiment uttered by a cult leader? Everybody out here trying to out-crazy each other, man. Anyway, this note card is blank inside and if you’re like me and work in a city, it could easily be filled up with the nutso things you see during your lunch break strolls through downtown alleys. For example, one time some dude walked to the nearby Army Navy store, bought a machete, and then used it to chop a dude’s hand RIGHT ACROSS FROM WHERE I WORK. No one died or anything, but there was a crime scene with blood so you better believe I went out there and took pictures of it. After I was sure that it wasn’t Jason Voorhees, that is. Turns out it was an isolated incident and the two guys knew each other and were fighting over a broad. A tale as old as time. Or at least as old as 2014. 

Jeffrey Dahmer.

Richard Speck

Fun fact about me: I had a cat named Nicotina but I started calling her Speck one day, one of those instances* where you see one of your pets and just blurt out a new name for them, because Richard Speck happened to be on my mind for some reason, and then that name stuck to the point where my son was born several years later and that was the only name he ever knew for her.

*(I also called her Breakfast Nook and Pickles.)

***

These sets come with envelopes, perfect for slipping in a handwritten excuse signed by a parent. Any parent. I’m a parent* and can sign it for you if you want.

*(I know, right?!)

They can also be purchased individually, so just send me a convo if, say, you only want the Gary Ridgway one or something. I will accommodate!

In other greeting card news, I’m working on some new Kpop cards for my Hello Hanguk shop and hope to have a THIRD set of mini-Valentines ready for 2019, and also some Christmas card sets. I have not had very much time to give these shops the proper attention that they deserve, but I’m trying to be more mindful of carving out time. So if there are any killers or Kpop groups/idols you want to see featured on some cards, let me know!

Mar 142018
 

When of the reviews I got in my non compos cards shop was that they loved my cards a lot but wish there was more variety/types of cards. I get it, and I got you. I have several future plans in my head (especially for more Valentines, which are my favorites to make) but to start, I’m focusing on notecard sets. I’ve already posted the serial killer set (I’m working on set #2!), and a BTS set (next up is a Kpop assortment!), and last weekend I finished this divine Golden Girls set!

It features 8 cards, 2 for each G-Girl, featuring trademark sayings or funny one-liners from the series.

I wanted the backgrounds to be as Miami as possible, and I think these give off a good Golden Girls’ lanai vibe. Yay or nay?

That Sophia one up there says “May you put your dentures in upside down & chew your head off” and I can’t wait for the day I can say that to Henry!

I’d use glittery cardstock for all of our cards but Henry is like, “Not on my watch.”

 

These are great all-occasion cards! Perfect for when you want to tell your sister that she’s being a slut puppy or when you want to cheer up a co-worker through interoffice mail.

This one is my favorite.

Also the background reminds me of my grandparents’ bedroom. Hey speaking of my grandparents! Here’s a picture I found from probably 1987. I can look at this picture and tell you that for sure it was either a Friday or Saturday night because my sleepover routine was to take a shower, put on probably one of my aunt’s old classy beer t-shirts, then my aunt Sharon would wrap my hair in a towel and my grandma would scratch my back while we watched either Hunter if it was Friday or Golden Girls & Empty Nest if it was Saturday.

(Was MacGyver on Saturdays, too?)

Shit, I would give anything to go back to 1987 and sleep over my grandparents’ house one more time.

But yeah, all of this is just to say that like so many of you out there, I freaking cherish the Golden Girls. Making these cards was pretty therapeutic!

PERHAPS WRITING IN THEM WILL BE THERAPEUTIC FOR YOU! Here’s the link to buy a set!

Feb 282018
 

I’ve been trying to be more diligent and less negligent of my poor Etsy card shop, noncomposcards. (Probably the same thing could be applied to my kid, whoops, where is he.) Usually what happens is I made a new card or two right before Christmas and Valentines Day, and then I get lazy and forget about it. But I want to be a better shop-owner! So I’m trying to add some fresh new products to the line-up, things that can be used all-year round and aren’t holiday specific.

Things that Grandma might send to Aunt Edna.

So I made these lovely serial killer note cards, similar to the BTS ones I made for my Kpop card shop, but you know, way more sinister and disturbing.

This set includes 8 different killers with a horrific quote of theirs. I’m working on a second set right now which is more retro-themed, so if you’re like the kid who commented on my Instagram post and asked, “Where’s Dahmer” when my caption clearly said, “If there’s someone you don’t see, check back because they’ll probably show up in another set,” you can rest-assured motherfuckin’ buttocks-chewing Dahmer will be there.

But for this inaugural set, we got some good ones! You can’t read the quotes that well in these shoddy iPhone pictures (I’m such a profesh) so I will kindly type them out for below each picture.

Mmm-mmm, that juxtaposition of murderous mug and flirty floral. <3

Ted Bundy – What’s one less person on the face of the earth, anyway?

Ed Gein – I had a compulsion to do it.

Aileen Wuornos – Thanks a lot, society, for railroading my ass.

(This is my personal favorite, btw, so if you buy this set, considering writing me a love note on this card?)

Ed Kemper – I just wanted to see how it felt to shoot grandma.

Richard Ramirez – Even psychopaths have emotions. Then again maybe not.

Albert Fish – I like children. They are tasty.

(My kid walked by when I was making the Fish one and he said, disappointedly, “Wow. Nice, mom.” #success)

John Wayne Gacy – The dead won’t bother you. It’s the living you have to worry about.

SAGE SHIT RIGHT THERE.

David Berkowitz – Hello from the gutters of New York City, which are filled with dog manure, vomit, stale wine, and blood.

(OK this is a stretch but I love this quote so much that I had to squeeze it the fuck on there.)

These cards are smaller than the main ones in my shop which means nothing to you if you’ve never previously purchased a non compos card, so let’s just get technical and say that it’s the A2 size.

8 cards in a set, which means….wait for it…8 ENVELOPES. You are so lucky I understand math!

Go get yourself some! You never know when you’ll need to send a card full of nudes to your prison pen pal or a “WE MOVED” address update to your mother-in-law.

Feb 202018
 

If there is one thing you can always count on me to have, it’s a notecard set. You just never know when you’re going to find a need to send a card to someone, and I like to keep a variety on hand at all times. Um, I usually send at least one “Sorry I’m an asshole” notecard a year, so it helps if the card is cute because my dumb puppy eyes don’t cut it anymore.

All of this is to say I added some notecards to the Hello Hanguk line over the weekend! Currently, the sole set is BTS, but I have plans to add some other varieties as well as a serial killer set for non compos cards (I’m about 75% done with that one so check back soon murderinos!).

The BTS cards feature a meme/infamous quote from each member. It’s a really great gift for any BTS Army in your life because they will for sure get all the sayings. Kpop fans spend a lot of time watching videos of their bias groups on V-Live and YouTube, OK? Me included. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched the “you got no jams” video of BTS on the plane to LA and it cracks me every time.

Each card is so glittery and I’m obsessed with them! I have to find myself some kpop penpals so that I can use these myself. (But more importantly, so I can use the G-Dragon and Taemin ones I’ll be making real soon.)

That BTS “Love Yourself” design up there is also available as a full-size single card! I think it’s an awesome message to spread to all your loved ones, especially when it’s so easy to succumb to bullying and insecurities.

8 cards in the set, and it also comes with 8 envelopes because I can count pretty OK.

Ugh they’re so happy and colorful! You should get a set!

Feb 032018
 

No really, this is the last. I swear. It’s just that I couldn’t sleep one night last week and I was thinking, “How can I further expand my card line/release some of this psychotic energy that’s keeping me awake?” And then I wondered if the Golden Girls would be a good fit with the serial killers and vintage porn stars of noncomposcards and you guys, I think it’s a good fit. I mean, someone bought two GG cards and a porn star set so…

Condoms! Condoms! Condoms!

I know I’m not alone in deriving great comfort from Golden Girls reruns. Like so many others, I grew up on this show in the 80s. Of course, back then, it was way too “adult” for me, and most of it went way over my head, but I still watched it because I loved Rose and her St. Olaf tales and Dorothy’s relationship with her mom and Blanche was always GOALS. I used to sleep over my grandparents house on Saturday nights and it honestly feels like yesterday when I would sit on the couch next to my Grandma, wearing some old oversized beer t-shirt as a nightgown, watching The Golden Girls and Empty Nest. (And Hunter but was that on Fridays? I only ever watched Hunter at my grandparents house.)

Very little in life has felt more comfortable and warm to me than those childhood Saturday nights on Gillcrest Drive.

I think like there are a lot of people who can relate to this!

Cheesecake & Chill?

Vertubenflugen

Blanche Devereaux Girl’s Night 

Funny story – one time many moons ago I sent Henry to the video rental place down the street and made him ask the guy in the back for Revolutionary War porn, so he was already flustered about that, and then he turned around and accidentally knocked over an entire rack of pornos, cutting his knuckle in the process and to this day I still refer it as The Porn Wound. He gets so mad.

Now you know something about me! Well, about my boyfriend.

My goal this past week was to get enough designs in order to make these available as a mini set because I think they’re no fun and novel. Originally, I was just going to make 8 designs and have 2 of each in the sets but because I love overachieving, not sleeping, and feeling stressed out, I ended up making 16 different ones, and finished it this morning!

The backs are cute AF, IMO.

Literally, not once in this Valentine promotion series have I had presentable nails. I’M SORRY, YOU GUYS. I’m hideous.

But enough about my chipped polish, what I like about these cards is that there’s something in there for both platonic friends and people you’re legit hot for.

This Sophia one is my favorite though because I love vintage porn and Sicily 1969 porn is probably pretty hot. Especially if it’s Mt. Etna-themed.

I know, I know – “Bea Mine,” what a fucking cop-out. But I wanted to get these done for you in time! I’m already jotting down ideas for a second set for next year, so I will redeem myself for being so basic.

Most of these are adapted quotes from the show, and I thought the Sophia one up there was actually super romantic if you think of it in terms of “Hey, let’s grow old and toothless together.” You know? Maybe I do have a heart after all.

Similar to the serial killer, porn, and kpop sets (god, what a collection), there are 16 different cards in this set, perfect for passing out like you’re still a kid in elementary school when the only care was, “YEAH BUT WHAT CANDY COMES WITH IT” – oh wait, that’s still a major concern! Fuck off with those fruit-flavored tootsie rolls!

And there you have it. The final editions to this 2018 V-Day season. $8 for the whole set!

Jan 282018
 

When I was designing the other Kpop mini Valentine sets, I kept thinking of all these different BTS ones I wanted to make, but the whole point of those sets was to have a variety of different Kpop groups representin’, you know? So then I thought, well, why not just make a series of all BTS designs?! You can never have too much BTS.

So I activated my Cringe Mode and got to work on 16 new designs! (Technically, 15 new designs – 1 of the 16 is available in one of the variety packs). Then I waited until my nail polish was sufficiently chipped before taking pictures of the result.

Chooch was so full of groans and disappointed head-shakes over the corniness of this particular set, which means I succeeded!

This J-Hope one, though.

Anyway, this set includes one design of each member alone (Jin and RM have two, though because I accidentally played favorites I guess), one of Cypher, and then a ton of the whole group.

I’m so excited about this collection! I love Valentines Day even though Henry is the worst when it comes at being romantic, and the thought of passing out little Valentines a la elementary school days is just so appealing to me! I might pass these out at work and force everyone to listen to a BTS song or 17.

Interested? This set, and two other kpop variety sets, can be purchased over at my Kpop card store on Etsy: Hello Hanguk!

Jan 242018
 

Friends. If you’re not into Valentines, skip this post. Because aside from exercising and watching k-dramas, making Valentines has been consuming my life for the last several weeks and I have to say, I’m not mad about it. Some might know that I have been making greeting cards since 2006 and have had a shop on Etsy since 2009 (I used to sell them out of my main art Etsy but then gave them their own brand after seeing that there was actually (surprisingly) a market for them!

Anyway, this little quick background check is all to say that my interest was really waning recently. I wasn’t really creating any new designs, even though I was getting convos from people asking for certain things, etc. But then I started to add kpop designs into the mix with the good old serial killer and vintage porn star standbys, and suddenly I felt excited and inspired to start creating again. I already posted twice last week about my new line of mini Valentines, but I had to come back and do it again because since then, I have added two new sets to the line-up: Kpop #2 and Serial Killers #2! I am so proud of my little babies!

So please indulge me for a few minutes while I gush and show off my new additions. I’m trying to be more pushy active with promoting my wares.

KPOP Mini Valentine Set #2 comes with 16 new designs!

  • 2NE1
  • Jin (BTS)
  • Bae Suzy
  • BIGBANG
  • Winner
  • Taeyang
  • Blackpink
  • SNSD
  • BTS
  • Kard
  • GOT7
  • F(x)
  • Mamamoo
  • T-ARA
  • U-Kiss
  • Red Velvet

I really enjoy making cards because I get to let my cringe-iness run loose & piss on some fire hydrants and postal carriers, you know?

Each set of 16 comes packaged in a little Valentine bag.

Both sets are only $8 a piece over at Hello Hanguk! I’m also working on a BTS set, as well, to appease all the Armys out there. (When really I just want to be making Taemin-only sets for daaaaays. *lovesick*)

Meanwhile, over on the darkside a/k/a noncomposcards, I made a second set of serial killer Valentines as well!

This set features some old standbys as well as some brand new designs that I made specifically for this set:

  • Harry Powers
  • Ed Gein #1
  • Gary Ridgway
  • Richard Speck
  • Charles Manson
  • HH Holmes
  • Richard Ramirez
  • Ken & Barbie Killers
  • Lizzie Borden
  • Aileen Wuornos (new design!)
  • Ed Gein #2
  • David Berkowitz (new design!)
  • BTK (new design!)
  • Zodiac Killer (new design!)
  • Jeffrey Dahmer
  • Jerry Brudos (new design!)

I’m so into these little guys. Please purchase some! I need money for Korea, lol. And remember, I made custom cards too so if you’re looking for something more specific to your interests, hit me up!

Jan 152018
 

Stop looking at my tacky, chipped nail polish for a second and peep these mini serial killer Valentines instead! In the past, I was selling these as six-card perforated sheets, but let’s be real – you guys want more. I get it! So we made them just a TAD smaller and now you can get SIXTEEN of these babies (SIXTEEN!!) in a set for only $8!

I love these cards so much because they bring back fond memories of Valentine parties in elementary school, when we all got to fuck a shoebox with a glue stick and crepe paper and then we all got to run away, stuffing Scooby Doo sentiments into everyone’s “mailbox” even if we didn’t like the person because THE TEACHER SAID. My favorite part was the candy and cupcakes though. I was a fat kid.

And then in fifth grade, I was the fat kid with a perm.

AND BRACES.

FML.

But I somehow still got Valentines so I didn’t hate the damn day.

Even now, as a grown as adult, I like passing out Valentines at work. I passed the serial killer ones out one year to mixed reviews. My one co-worker received an Albert Fish one and sent me an email that said, “OMG I just Wiki’d that guy. He was so terrible! Why would you give me that card?!”

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Surprisingly, no one reported me to HR.

Life is all about taking risks, you know?

Each set comes packaged in these adorable little bags. I’m obsessed with them.

I’m in the process of working on the second set so very soon 32 different designs will be available!

The porn star ones have been re-branded as well! Instead of 6, you will now get 16 – 2 each of 8 designs because, well, I only have 8 designs in the porn series.

Who knew Seka would look so precious inside a plastic bag?

When I was working on these over the weekend, my kid walked past me and let out this sort of sarcastic laugh. I asked him what was so funny, and he dryly said, “Oh nothing. My mom makes vintage porn star Valentines, that’s all.”

SO WHAT HE’S SAYING IS THAT HE’S SUPER PROUD OF ME.

Anyway. Both sets are available for purchase on non compos cards along with a dizzying array of full-sized Valentines, birthday cards, Christmas cards, party invitations…it’s a freaking grab-bag of Hallmark rejects, OK?

And for the rest of January, if you use the coupon code “daebak” when you check out, you’ll get free shipping!

Dec 072017
 

Recently, I have been going through a creative drought. Maybe not even so much a drought, but I just haven’t felt like creating anything. I am so distracted by other hobbies and interests now that I was starting to wonder if maybe my ship has sailed, maybe the “making things” part of my life is over? But then a few months ago, on a whim,  I added several Kpop cards to my non compos cards shop on Etsy, which is a stark contrast to my line of seasonal serial killer greets, but you know me: LIKE A FUCKING ONION.

(Layers, etc.)

I thought maybe they were just one-offs, but then last week, I felt inspired again and I can’t believe it didn’t occur to me sooner to meld Kpop and my card-making together, because I haven’t felt this excited to make shit in a long time! And the best part is that some of them are so cringey that it makes Chooch want to puke, and that’s my litmus test right there. I love Kpop A LOT, so this is the softer side of the serial killer greeting card e-boutique. Where else can you buy a Valentine with the sinister Ramirez sneer and a birthday card spilling over with the angelic glisten of G-Dragon’s perfect freakin’ face?

Just a disclaimer: Our cards are made with love and care. Each one is made to order: printed on high-quality paper and then adhered to sturdy card-stock (color varies per card) – this isn’t some quick print-and-fold job! That’s why our prices are a bit higher than other greeting cards you may see around Etsy. Henry takes his job as card assembly line VERY SERIOUSLY and has it down to such a science that anytime I try to help, I fuck up the whole process. So if we ever divorce (LOL just kidding I mean BREAK UP), I’ll either have to close the shop or start hand-drawing my cards on construction paper because our printer beats me every time.

Anyway, here are all of the ones I have made so far, please feel free to purchase many and often!

BTS BANGTAN ANGELS

Guys, we got RM, Jungkook, Jimin, Jin, J-Hope, V, and Suga floating about on this card like the freaking bangtan angels they are, This could be the one Christmas card you send that doesn’t get thrown away after the holidays. Any Kpop fan in your life is guaranteed to be filled with mirth and cheer with this angelic BTS Christmas card, even if they don’t stan them.

BTS is taking over the world, help them take over the fireplace mantel Christmas card collections, too! The inside is blank, lots of room to practice your Hangeul!

Comes with an envelope. I’m always afraid that there will be that one time Henry forgets to include an envelope and then all my envelope jokes will come back to bite me.

GOT7 Christmas Card!

Can you imagine Santa rolling up to your house in a sleigh full of Kpop idols? THAT IS THE ULTIMATE CHRISTMAS WISH. Well, for some people, anyway. And if you know someone who might have that wish, or at the very least loves Got7, then you should send them this card. The inside says, very succinctly, “Merry Christmas.”

Comes with an envelope because the last time I tried to mail a card in an empty sardine can, it was sent back to me. :(

G-Dragon Santa!!

Ugh, can you imagine sitting on G-Dragon’s lap….I mean HI GUYS here I am peddling another Christmas card! If you have a friend who likes Kpop, then this is the perfect card for them. I mean, G-Dragon dressed as Santa…that’s some merry fantasy.

Front of the card says “ho ho ho” in Hangeul. Inside says “Hope you have a zutter Christmas.” Zutter means “dope” in Korean, but it’s actually pronounced more like jjuttah. It’s also the name of a song that G-Dragon did with T.O.P.! (BTS also has a song called “Dope,” but in the song, they say zutter.) See how educational these cards are?

Comes with an envelope. G-Dragon is unfortunately not included. :(

SHINee Christmas (cringe) card!

This card has just the right amount of Christmas cringe! It’s sure to be appreciated by any Kpop lover you have in your life, especially if they like SHINee (and how can you like Kpop without liking SHINee?!). The inside is a dorky play on one of their more popular songs “Ring Ding Dong” and my 11-year-old son was so repulsed when he read it and called me an embarrassment, and THAT is how I know this card is a winner!

This card comes with an envelope, and not just because I’m all in the holiday spirit or whatever, but because all of my cards come with envelopes.

Speaking of cringe-tastic SHINee cards, here’s a Valentine featuring just Taemin which also made Chooch throw up in his mouth:

Taemin Valentine!

When I made this card, I woke up my 11-year-old son to show him, and his spirited review was, “I hate you.” That’s how I know this card is great! The cringier the better, am I right, you guys?

If you’re into Kpop, or know anyone who is, this card is guarenteed to get a great reaction because hello, what set of working eyeballs in this world don’t enjoy feasting upon the flesh-masterpiece that is LEE TAEMIN?

There’s plenty of space inside to scribble some fingerhearts or write secret love messages in Hangeul. Plus, it comes with an envelope because we don’t skimp here at noncomposcards.

Inside:

I know I already posted this one on here but I wanted to look at his pretty face again, so shut up.

 

Speaking of Valentines!

Apink Mr. Chu Valentine/Love/Anniversary card!

I told Henry I want a Mr. Chu for Valentine’s Day and he didn’t answer me because he was napping as usual. So I will not be giving him this card. But perhaps you have someone in mind who naps less and pays more attention than my ever-exhausted elderfriend! Then this card would work for you. Anyway, this is a nice Apink Valentine for someone you know who likes kpop.

It comes with an envelope that you can slip a house key in or whatever. I don’t know what you kids do these days.

The inside says “I’m falling, falling for your love.” Obviously. (Side note: “Mr. Chu” was one of the first KpopX routines I ever did two years ago so it will always feel special to me!)

BTS “Save Me” Valentine/Love/Anniversary Card

Valentine’s Day, Anniversary, Just Because…show your favorite Kpop-lovin’ person you love them with this adorable BTS-as-cherubs cards. The inside has lyrics from “Save Me” but can also be blank or customized – just let me know in “note to seller.” The inside says “I need your love before I fall, fall.” Ugh, just go listen to the song!

Comes with an envelope in case you don’t feel like hand-delivering this fine piece of Korean art.

A funny/cute/adorable thing to note about this card is that Henry was helping me cut out all of the faces, and he had each one saved individually as their name, so like Jin.psd, JHope.psd, etc. Henry knows all of their names and I think this is just the sweetest thing in the whole world HENRY LIKES KPOP PASS IT ON.

Birthdays exist too! Here are some cards for that:

BIGBANG birthday card!

This was the first kpop card I made over the summer! Let the boys of BIGBANG do all the heavy-lifting birthday-wishing for you with the most beautiful, Heaven-sent card for any Kpop fan!

As always, this card comes with an envelope that could probably be used as a face mask afterward, with way less benefits of a legit Korean brand, though.

BTS “Jams” Birthday Card

The perfect card for kpop lovers! Let your best BTS friend know that you’re wishing them lots of fun, er, jams, on their special day. No explanation needed for BTS fans, but this is kind of tricky to explain for anyone else because it’s a play on a Korean word and there was a whole meme made out of it which was super popular in the kpopsphere. My friend Lizz who has liked kpop way longer than me approved of this card when she saw it, and that’s good enough for me!

This card comes with an envelope. Add a packet of Smuckers at your own risk.

Red Velvet Birthday Card!

I went through a phase where I would snub my nose at any cake that wasn’t red velvet. I try not to be that way with kpop groups, but Red Velvet is seriously one of the best girl groups out there IN MY OPINION. And maybe you know someone who agrees with me and would be downright tickled to receive a birthday greeting with Red Velvet splayed across the front!

The inside of the card features lyrics from their song “Ice Cream Cake” (“May your day be vanilla chocolate honey with a cherry on top”) and if that doesn’t scream HAPPY BIRTHDAY then maybe you’re normal and I should go see a doctor because my greeting cards are talking to me.

An envelope is included. Maybe you could slip in a piece of ice cream cake, just kidding, don’t do that. The mailman will eat it.

OK that’s all I have so far! But I have a ton more that I’m working out in my head (including a sheet of mini-Valentines like I have for the serial killers and vintage porn star collection), and I’m probably going to open a separate Etsy for the Kpop line at some point. And don’t worry, EXOLS, I have some EXO cards I’m working on, too.

It feels nice to be inspired again, so as usual, thank you Kpop!

HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY INFOMERCIAL.

Jan 262017
 

Need a little distraction? How about perusing my Etsy shop for some sick Valentines, man? Here’s a sampling, including a brand new Dahmer card for 2017! I know, I know, another Dahmer card!? He’s a hot commodity, what can I say.
il_570xN.1129851860_53rr

il_570xN.1129851862_z4mi

One time when I was in high school, I had this huge crush on this kid GREG who sat near me in some dumb class, Civics or something. I brought little treat bags in for everyone that year for Valentines Day, but I put extra special candy in Greg’s bag. And then some kid who’s a cop now sold me out in front of the whole class when he noticed that OMG GREG GOT BETTER CANDY THAN THE REST OF US! ERIN LOVES GREG!

Greg and I never made it out of the friend zone (in fact, we never even made it INTO the friend zone) but the moral of my story is that IT TOOK GUTS to give him that special bag of love candy.

I just really felt like getting that off my chest. Thanks, Etsy Description Box.

Anyway, this here is a card that illustrates the statement of pulse-racing February bravery. Perfect for that person you met in the true crime Amino app who makes your sick black heart flutter…or whatever sick black hearts do.

It comes with an envelope. Stick some special candy in it when no one’s looking!

Vintage Porn Stars sheet of Valentines

The sisters to the serial killer cards! One sheet consists of 6 perforated porn-y designs which you can tear off and pass out with wanton abandon. Terrorize your most vanilla pals with them!

Please note: if you purchase one of the multi-sheet bundles, you may mix and match these with the serial killer varieties. Thanks for looking!

These do NOT come with envelopes. These are meant to be handed out grade school-Valentine style! Have fun with them! Stick ’em in a g-string!

John Wayne Gacy Killer Clown valentine

Oh, sweet romance. And what better way to promote it than by using the mug of a disgusting serial killer clown who stuffed bodies beneath his floorboards? God, way to perpetuate stereotypes, John Wayne Gacy.

The inside includes a romantic little poem. Comes with an envelope so you can practice your stuffing techniques.

Jeffrey Dahmer Valentine Love Card Serial Killer

That time Jeffrey Dahmer rose from the dead in 2016, slipped up and Tinder-invited a young blood to “Netflix and kill?” So romantic!

The inside is blank – what you do with it is not my problem! Think of something to write and then change your mind 187 times just like when trying to choose something to watch on Netflix! Comes with an envelope too so you don’t have to make one out of toilet paper and honey.

Apr 192016
 

This painting has been waiting to be sold since 2009, but finally, he is en route to his new home on some wall in Spokane, and the person who purchased it called me a precious artist so now I love her.

Forever grateful that there are people out there who like my art. And if you’re one of them, go buy something* because I need money for vacation haha!

*Just no custom paintings right now, sadly. I’m taking a short hiatus because I haven’t had enough time lately and it’s slowly killing me. I need to paint something!

Anyway, Godspeed little painting! Enjoy your new home!

waiting

The bus was late that day. Something about major roadways being cordoned off due to a parade for amputees. There would later be a riot, instigated by the albinos who were tired of being the least celebrated minority in the city of Fuglyfoot. But that’s a story that cannot be easily told without the use of obscenities and slurs that would make Satan himself shrink back into the shadows.

But the issue of the bus tardiness, this was no good for Maureen Hucklecrack, who had to be at court in fifteen minutes, else her philandering ex-husband would turn over evidence that would prove she moonlighted as a sort of Heidi Fleiss with midget clientele. And who knows what Maureen would have to resort to without that coitus-derived income. Probably would have to sell her Dolly Parton TV tray collection and stop getting Botex in the back of the corner fish market.

On the next wire, George Stockingcock’s anxiety level rose as he glanced at his watch and realized that he was already twenty-two minutes late for his prostrate exam. This made him feel a nervous diarrhea-burn in his lower stomach for a split second, until he created a Plan B, in which the mulatto phlebotomist he was seeing on the sly could maybe pull on her latex dominatrix gloves (to camouflage her liver spots) and conduct her own posterior prod-fest.

Clutching rigidly on an upper wire, Amy Slityourthroat was livid. The night before, she had caught her boyfriend of THREE MONTHS listening to the Used with some other girl. Some other girl who didn’t even paint her nails black and had the audacity to wear clothes from Hollister. Hollister, for Christ’s sake! She should go date a surfer and stay the hell away from my stuffed-in-dirty-skinny-jeans boyfriend, Amy thought erratically. And now the bus she takes every Wednesday to her anger management class was LATE. But she was too busy drawing a blueprint for murder to notice.

And then there was Lester Copafeel. Lester had been perched on the same wire for fifteen months, ever since his mother abandoned him for being mute. No one was sure if he was waiting for a bus, or for anything at all, really.

Feb 252016
 

  
Pee Wee’s Big Adventure is one of my favorite movies of all time, and one of probably only three that I ever quote from. (The amount of times I’ve referenced the Alamo on this blog alone is really pathetic.) I had so much fun painting this and kind of don’t want to part with it. 

One of my most vivid childhood memories is sitting in the family room of my house in South Park, watching this on HBO with my bff Christy who lived down the street, and asking her what “scenery” meant because Mickey tells Pee Wee to just enjoy the scenery. She explained it perfectly well but my kindergarten brain couldn’t comprehend it. It seemed like such a complicated concept.

Scenery. 

I was a dumb kid. 

Anyway, I just really love painting birds on wires, so this just felt very natural to me. Methodical and cathartic, especially while the Penguins were getting slaughtered last night by the Bruins. :(

I have some more custom paintings on tap (I keep saying I’m going to take a break and then a request comes in and I can’t say no!) but then I’m going to start one called The Pittsburgh Zoo, a painting of various famous Pittsburghers with animal bodies (like the Buscemi and John Water ones).  

Probably Mr. Rogers, Mario Lemieux, Sophie Maslof, Andy Warhol, and God only knows who else. 

NO STEELERS THOUGH.

In other news, I’m drinking blueberry cobbler coffee and it feels like warm arms enveloping my broken soul. 

This has been a quick update posted from my phone. 

Feb 232016
 

Hey boy, here’s a quick update on the fake art that I sling over at Somnambulant.

My friend Bridget requested a portrait of her and her boyfriend, and she specifically asked for glitter and I was more than happy to comply. I would use glitter on EVERYTHING if I could. I still want to glitter our ceilings but that might be the straw that finally breaks Henry’s back of steel.

And here’s the painting I did for the Warhol customer, and I realized that I never got a picture of the final, touched-up painting. This was one of the progress shots I sent her, so it looks slopp(ier than my paintings usually do):

Her boyfriend is from England, so she wanted me to paint them as tea bags (specifically the pyramid-shaped ones). Years and years ago, she had me do a sushi couples painting — I like when people throw out-of-the-box ideas at me! (I mean, once I’m done having my I CAN’T DO ITTTTTT pity party.)

I can’t remember if I posted this here yet, but after David Bowie died, my friend Kendahl requested a Goblin King portrait. I was so excited about it that I considered calling off work to start it immediately. (DON’T WORRY, I DIDN’T. I’m still The Best Employee Ever.)


And then my friend Lizz had a baby so I made her this name plaque for him:

All the eyeballs came out of an old copy of Alternative Press. There’s some Vic Fuentes up in there and…I think Jack Barakat and Alex Gaskarth. Possibly some of the guys from Real Friends.
And my current favorite!   So last week, I was getting ready for bed when the image of Steve Buscemi as an octopus popped into my head. I figured, who cares if it’s too niche or obscure to sell, I HAVE TO PAINT IT. I started it that night, when I should have been sleeping, and had it done by the next day. If only I could churn out my customs that quickly. Ugh.

Anyway, he’s available over on Etsy if you or anyone you know are really into that kind of thing.

And lastly, I’d like to say goodbye to Norm! He’s on his way to his new home in DC where I’m sure he will be happy. (His story can be read here if you’re interested in being lulled to sleep.)

Thank god for Valentine’s Day keeping me busy! Custom paintings and serial killer Valentines—thanks for keeping me in business, sickos! I mean that lovingly.

***

I have several paintings that I started but then I started thinking of our annual Easter bunny pictures so now everything else in my life is at a standstill, on the back-burner, in limbo, because now this is all I can think of and why am I at work right now when I should be running around getting costumes put together, ugh.

I think Henry is really going to hate this one.

Jan 162016
 

It only took me two years, but I finally made that sheet of vintage porn star Valentines I’ve been threatening!

Porn_Val_Sheet_Frontforblog

Porn_Val_Sheet_Backforblog

These are perfect for your preschooler to pass out on Valentines Day. Give one to some asshole Planned Parenthood protester after you chuck their abortion propaganda in the nearest garbage can. Fuck it, send a whole sheet to Tiger Woods!

All of the designs on the sheet are also available as full-sized cards as well, plus this classy fucking John Holmes treat:

In addition to the porn stars, I have a new Lizzie Borden Valentine for 2016:

bordenforblog

Can’t remember if I humble-bragged about this one last year, but my Patty Hearst Valentine is still a personal favorite!
stockholmforblog
And of course there’s the sheets chock full of affable homicidal maniacs! $6 for one, $10 for two, $15 for three, and $20 for four!

So here’s a personal story: I want to send one of my Valentines to my record label crush but I can’t decide which one. I mentioned this at work the other day and then paused and asked Glenn, “Do you think that’s weird?”

“That you have a crush on an entire record label? Knowing what I know about you, that’s actually one of the few things that actually makes sense,” he mumbled. Cue the Heartwarming Family Moment sit-com “aw”s. Todd on the other hand was like “[10 uncomfortable seconds of silence]….wait, what?”

I think I’m going to send them the new Borden one, because they’re in Boston and you know, Fall River, etc etc. You should send one to your crush, too—record label or otherwise!

Jan 032016
 

I’m in zombie mode—winter depression has officially sunk in. So before I go back to moping on the couch while crying to Balance & Composure, here are some custom paintings I churned out for Christmas. Grateful to be so busy!     

    
    
 
  

I’m taking a hiatus from custom paintings just for a bit so I can work on finishing some things to add to my Somnambulant shop. I’m going to try to actually sell a thing or two from it this year! Woo, 2016. 

Seriously, me all weekend, step off:  

#hateful