Apr 252017
 

Indulge me for a minute or eleven, won’t you. It’s a mother’s right to feel brooding, nostalgic, and downright panicked over the passage of time on their child’s birthday. AFTER ALL, it is all about us. 

So please don’t mind the forthcoming deluge of photos, also known as CHOOCH THRU THE YEARS. 





Happy 11th birthday to my favorite person in the whole world (fine–tied with G-Dragon)! Chooch makes life so exciting and gives me frequent stomach aches from all the laughing fits he causes. He’s scary-smart yet has just enough blond moments to keep him grounded. 

He is my best model and goes along with (most) of my dumb photo shoot ideas. He’s my favorite amusement park partner, my sometimes-concert buddy, and also my biggest frenemy. (We are way too much alike.) 

He can hold his own with a roomful of adults, and his wit is enviable. Get this kid a band to front or a show to host. 

I never thought I could ever be a mom, but I am so glad I met Henry and changed my mind. Chooch is my best creation ever and I love him so much! ❤💖🐱

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Apr 222017
 

I had my eye on a beautiful G-Dragon enamel pin on Etsy for the last several months. If there is one thing about me that usually surprises people, it’s that I am a SUPER GUILTY shopper. I can’t tell you how many times I add things to the cart then X out of the page because I’ve either determined I don’t really need it, or I don’t feel like reaching for my credit card, or I’ve just flat out already lost interest, or I found something for Chooch instead. #SELFLESS (lol not really.)

I know – this doesn’t fit into my spoiled brat personality profile, right?! 

But something made me check on that pin the other day and I said “YOU KNOW WHAT? 에라 모르겠다 I’m treating myself.” And guess what?! I BOUGHT THE VERY LAST ONE because the Etsy shop is retiring their Kpop line, so I went back and snatched up TOP for Chooch as well. 



I just love it so much!! And then I realized I was wearing my GD pin with my DGD (Dance Gavin Dance) pin and my head exploded. 

I wore GD to work yesterday and while Lauren thought it was adorable, Glenn and Todd were like, “Good lord.” And then Nate saw it in passing and said the way the light was hitting it, it looked like George  Washington and he just figured that “G-Dragon” was what I was calling George Washington these days. 

I mean, he had a valid assumption. You never know with me. 

“I scored the last one!” I cried, breathless with joy. 

“Are you sure it’s not the ONLY one?” Glenn deadpanned. Such a hater. 

Anyway, I’m telling you all of this because my pin arrived just in time for this new IU jam featuring G-Dragon! I LOVE IT. I would love it more if his beautiful perfect angel face was in the video too BUT I’LL LIVE, I GUESS. (That’s what Henry told me anyway.)

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Apr 212017
 

Broken record here but Easter is my second favorite holiday after Halloween. It didn’t used to be, and it’s not like I have especially fond childhood memories of Easters past. They weren’t bad, don’t get me wrong! But there were two Easters where I can remember being very ill. Once was in 11th grade – I vomited up a Caesar salad and chocolate milkshake from Denny’s and then proceeded to be down for the count for most of spring break.

I EVEN REMEMBER WHAT I WAS WEARING THAT NIGHT AT DENNYS. Probably because my whole life back then was on video thanks to my camcorder being my trusty sidekick.

(You guys think I oversaturate social media now? Imagine if it was around back then!)

I guess it’s been ever since I became a mom that Easter has been something I look forward to, and of course I’m talking about the Easter bunny and Easter baskets and chocolate and basket grass and absolutely nothing religious at all. (Although it was fun a few years back when we had that pizza party for Jesus Christ on Easter!) Also, Easter is like the true gateway to spring in my opinion.

Easter almost started off terribly because THE EASTER BUNNY DIDN’T COME TO OUR HOUSE and by the Easter bunny I of course mean the Easter dummy – Henry. Chooch and I threw low-grade fits until Henry was like, “OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!” and took Chooch to Wal-Mart to pick out some small Easter presents and they got me some plants too so CRISIS AVERTED.

Our prizes didn’t come in a basket with candy but we didn’t care because THINGS AND STUFF AND PRESENTS AND GIMME. 

We’re not spoiled or anything. 

Then we put together a small basket for Patty and visited her at the nursing home, where she was sitting outside on the patio with her dad and two other residents, one of whom (Barb) had a fork in her shoe which was the most hilarious thing I saw all day. Apparently, she didn’t even know it was there until Patty pointed to it and asked her is she was planning on shanking someone. It just fell and landed right in the side of her shoe. HOW IS THIS SO FUNNY!?

Anyway, we enjoyed the beautiful sunshine while bullshitting, and Chooch played with the saran wrap that I had half-assedly laid atop his failed galaxy cupcakes that he brought for Patty.

“Look, I’m Dexter,” he murmured, slapping it over his face. This made Barb scream, “OH HONEY NO! OMG NO!” which was wildly funny to me.

 

Chooch, giving me and old ladies heart attacks since 2006.

Then Chooch got to swipe a post-Mass donut while the pastor’s wife said he was handsome which totally inflated his big head further, and then Patty made good on her promise to play Battleship with him, during which Henry nodded off because when doesn’t Henry nod off.

That’s Barb in the background, having a biblical debate with that dude. They were watching The Greatest Story Ever Told, or The Ten Commandments….or who knows — I couldn’t see that far.

It was nice seeing Patty for a bit that afternoon and while it was tempting to leave Henry there to be treated for narcolepsy, I woke him up when it was time to go.

In the end, it was the right choice, or else I wouldn’t have this divine bowl of japchae for dinner, complete with an Easter egg.

Turns out that Scoops was open, so we ended the night with a walk to the boulevard for some ice cream. Just kidding, we actually ended the night with one of my bi-annual, volatile rants about cops. But then I did some KpopX and we all had a good laugh about my scary temper.

WOO, EASTER!

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Apr 202017
 

I almost let Easter slide by without any fanfare, but then a week prior we were at Target and Chooch was like, “We’re dyeing eggs next week, FYI. Tell Blake.”

Yessir.

I also told Kara, whom I haven’t seen since THE PIE PARTY.

IN OCTOBER.

I think this may have been the longest we ever went without hanging out. I blame political and seasonal depression.

Blake and Haley got to our house just in time for Chooch and me to start haranguing Blake to do things with us: Chooch wanted to bake galaxy cupcakes that he found in a cookbook we got him for Xmas and then promptly refused to help him with, and I wanted Blake to be the Easter bunny stand-in for our annual pictures because Henry was being a dumb dick and wouldn’t do it.

And then we did a quick Easter bunny sidewalk wave-and-dance side bar. I think Blake wasn’t going to do it at first but then he saw that cars were beeping and slowing down so the people inside could wave and cheer Chooch on, and he wanted in on that action.

Look for them at the next Anthrocon.

🐰🐰

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I invited the neighbor kid Markie over too because he was sitting on his front porch, watching our antics and looking forlorn. I regretted the decision almost immediately because woo-boy does that kid love to get into all my stuff!

“Who invited Markie?” Henry sighed.

“I know right?” I said.

J/K. That kid is pretty harmless. And he’s super fun to tease. Takes it like a pro!

Kara and I dyed nary an egg, but we did partake in some soju action.

And then promptly blew freakshow-quality fire from our mouths.

In my mind, dyeing eggs always seems like such a grand idea, but then it’s over faster than it took Henry to set up all the dye. And then I remember how frustrating it is when the eggs don’t come out sparkly and gilded like they appear on the front of the Paas box.

Does anyone remember the Peter Paas Easter cartoon from the 80s? We had it on VHS, the kind that came in the giant, padded vinyl case.

Image result for paas easter movie

Just seeing that cover has me crucified with nostalgia! I can totally hear that sheep’s voice in my head!

Anyway, it was fun just hanging on the backporch which obviously I’m obsessed with if you can’t tell, watching the kids complain because the wax crayon didn’t work (WHEN DOES IT?! I can’t tell you how many failed weeners eggs I’ve dyed).  And then there was an impromptu Easter egg hunt because we bought a big bag of those plastic fucks at Goodwill for photoshoot purposes only, so Blake took a basketful and hid them all around the yard and it was way more entertaining than I anticipated. Harland got the golden egg and I could tell Chooch was trying to quickly construct a dam for his tears because god forbid he doesn’t win something.

WHERE DOES HE GET THIS LITERALLY NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE IS COMPETITIVE.)

Egg dyeing interlude.

All of the kids were running amok with animal masks at one point and I wanted to do a group photo but getting kids to agree to photos is hard and I didn’t have any cash on me to pay them like I have to do with my own kid.

His rates keep going up.

Somehow the night bled into a surprise story time…

Hey, speaking of bled…you know what else bled that night?

Oh, just Chooch.

He somehow managed to step on one of those thick wooden toothpicks later that night when he was going to get a bottle of water in the kitchen. Kara and I thought he bumped his leg off the kitchen table and was embellishing because if there is one thing that Chooch inherited from me that I’m very proud to admit, it’s my natural embellishment skills.

But no, as it turned out, he had half of this toothpick speared into his foot and it was NOT PRETTY. As soon as I saw what was going on, that he had essentially been staked, I lost my shit. My legs did that jelly thing and I was all dry-heaving while moaning, “Oh my GOD. OH my god. Oh MY god. OHMYGOD.” Finally Henry pushed me out of the way and calmly sat Chooch down on the couch, who at this point was screaming like he lost his whole entire foot in an episode of the Walking Dead. Henry just kept saying, “I’M TRYING TO GET IT OUT. STOP MOVING! NO, DON’T LOOK AT—–”

Too late.

Chooch looked.

And then the screaming got even more theatrical and I was acutely aware that we have neighbors but luckily they weren’t home so thank god.

I kept going back and forth between trying to comfort Chooch, making things worse, and then going back on the porch where Kara’s kids were like THE FUCK.

“I was just telling them about the time at the spray park,” Kara said, another time that Chooch had what you would think was a near-fatal injury and I almost puked in public but my temporary paralysis wouldn’t allow it.

I’m the worst in any types of traumatic situations. Thank god Henry and Kara were there or else Chooch and I would have both probably passed out, Chooch bleeding out and me choking on my vomit.

Henry managed to pull out the toothpick cleanly and the puncture wound only bubbled a bit with blood and then was fine – I was waiting for some gross blood volcano to erupt.

“This was probably 75% drama,” Henry mumbled.

Anyway, it was so scary at the time, but we were making jokes pretty soon after.

“Well, if KARA didn’t ask me to get her a water….” Chooch said defensively. Yep, that’s what I was waiting for. Kara’s going to be hearing about this one for years!

But really, if he wants to play that game, he can only blame himself because he’s the one who HAD TO BAKE CUPCAKES that day, which is why the toothpicks were out in the first place. I asked Chooch if he wants to guest blog about the horrible event, but he said he doesn’t want to relive it.

My Left Foot sequels aside, it was a really fun night. Nothing is better than a houseful of cool people and holiday pandemonium.

And now I will leave you with an oldie but goodie Kpop jam:

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Apr 182017
 

🎵: @foxbloodau 🐰: @beatkids1992

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Apr 172017
 

There’s something* about Mondays that makes me want to abstain from all the words and just share a music video that we can all dance to together in spirit. 

*(Oh yeah. Work.)

Let’s pretend like we’re all in a beautiful meadow, dancing with the adorable flower boys from 7 o’clock. OK? OK! 아싸!

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Apr 152017
 

I have vivid memories of being super young in the early 80s, watching Twice Upon a Time on HBO in our old house in South Park. This movie was everything to me. I used to make my mom rent it constantly from one of the tiny, pre-Blockbuster video rental stores (which was next to an arcade that I just learned recently that my Pappap owned, which explains why there were always arcade games and pinball machines in our houses when I was growing up.)

For some reason though, even though it was associated with Lucasfilm, it was really hard to find on video. I was on a kick as a teenager, desperately trying to find it, back when you had to get out the Yellow Pages and call places like Blockbuster and Suncoast. I eventually did find it, back in 1996 or 1997, and had it shipped to my house. (This was back before we used the Internet for every damn thing, you guys, so the fact that I was able to find it at all was a huge victory, and if we’re being honest, it was probably my Aunt Sharon who found it for me because she was relentless.)

And then there was this terrible night, it was actually the night before Thanksgiving in 1997, when my then-boyfriend Paycho Mike and I had a huge fight, one that involved him chasing me into my parentless house, and thankfully I made it into my bedroom with enough time to slam and lock my door behind me. 

He eventually left, but not before going into the family room, taking my prized copy of Twice Upon a Time, and running it over with his car. 

Janna was there. You can ask her! She was scared too!

So, that tells you how much this movie meant to me, that it was the first thing he went for in his mission to abuse me some more. 

I was able to find another copy years later, but it’s on VHS, and I don’t think it would play now even if I still had a VCR. 

It came up in conversation last night and I went on YouTube to find a trailer so I could show Chooch, who wasn’t impressed at all because it didn’t involve some douchebag YouTuber playing video games and screaming, so he went to bed while I stayed up crying to myself when I found the opening credits, which include Bruce Hornsby’s Heartbreak Town. 

MEMORIES. 

So I decided that I need to watch this again, urgently. The last time I googled it, all I could find was used VHS copies. This time though, I found it on DVD – at Target! I had no idea this was ever released on DVD! IT FEELS LIKE I WAS VISITED BY THE EASTER BUNNY A DAY EARLY. 

That’s all. Just wanted to get that off my chest. Fuck psycho boyfriends, long live Target. 

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Apr 122017
 

2014 flashback #easterbunny #bunny #tophat

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Today at work, the mail guy wished me a happy Easter and I was like, “HAHA ok weirdo” but then I said, “Wait—when’s Easter?” and three people at once were like, “Uh, it’s this Sunday, dumbass.”

Why can’t Easter just be at the same time each year?! I can never keep tabs on it. I’m either too soon, like the time I had an Easter egg dyeing party nearly a month before Easter and none of my friends thought it was strange because they’re used to me not having a clue. 

Or it creeps on me unexpectedly like this year. I feel like I knew last weekend at one point that it was soon but then I managed to forget once the week started. 

My point is that I didn’t take any Easter pictures of Chooch yet and now I’m not sure if I’ll have time and I’m sad about that. And timehop is all super casually reminding me of past Easter portraits and I’m just like, “Suck a dick, Timehop.” It’s always nagging me to look at my past when everyone else is telling me to stop living there and I feel so conflicted. 

Maybe I’ll just go commercial and stick him on some mall bunny’s  lap. 

In other Easter-y news, Chooch is on spring break which I always feel should come after Easter but whatever. Judy has been watching him which is fine but with that comes some necessary tweaks in my routine. For instance, when she’s here, I can’t watch Running Man. We tried to watch it with her on Monday and she was open to it, but then she kept wanting to have non-Korean conversations and I was like I’m TRYING to watch RUNNING MAN. 

“Yeah but it’s not like you need to listen to it,” Glenn muttered when I complained about this today. 

“I LIKE TO HEAR THE BEAUTIFUL SOUNDS OF THEIR LANGUAGE,” I shouted back at him. God!

And then she washes our dishes and I really appreciate that but she doesn’t actually wash them, if you know what I mean. I pulled a spoon out of the strainer and it still had peanut butter on it, so I basically just dumped everything back into the sink. 

Glenn’s advice was to just reuse that spoon for peanut butter and I almost puked. 

My favorite thing about having her here though is listening to her and Chooch bicker like the Odd Couple. (The Odd Couple?! Hi, I’m an 80-year-old.)

For instance, last night, I wanted to light a candle in my room but didn’t have a lighter so I did what any parent would do and summonded my kid to go play fetch.

Immediately, there was a verbal scuffle between those two downstairs. Judy was trying to tell Chooch that there was a lighter in the kitchen but he apparently ignored her advice and took his search elsewhere so she kept yelling at him to check the kitchen and finally he was like GRANDMA I KNOW, THAT ONE DOESNT WORK to which she outmatched his volume with her retaliation of WELL YOU DIDNT SAY YOU NEEDED ONE WITH FLUID. 

????!

Anyway, Chooch found the lighter he was looking for (there are a lot less lighters in the house when no one is a smoker, that’s for sure) and brought it to me like a happy puppy. 

Except that the candle’s wick was down too far and neither of us could fit our meatfists down in there. I figured this was a grand time to teach Chooch my trick, and as he watched me rip up a piece of paper and light it on fire, he began to object but it was too late: I had already dropped the fiery paper into the candle jar, failing in lighting the wick but succeeding in filling my bedroom with smoke. 

Luckily, chooch had removed the smoke detector THAT SAME DAY because Judy burnt a veggie burger and set the alarm off and neither of them knew how to turn it off so chooch removed it from the ceiling and apparently wanted to bash it to death but then Judy took it off him and calmly removed the batteries.

Don’t worry, Henry will put it back.

Meanwhile, Henry was trying to sleep but apparently the act of his lungs filling with smoke woke him up and HOO BOY was he pissed when he saw us standing there, Chooch with a lighter in his hand, me with my PYROMANIAC cape on, with a smoking Yankee Candle knock-off between us. 

This has absolutely nothing to do with Easter, but there you go. 

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Apr 112017
 

I guess today is National Pet Day. How would I ever know what day it was if not for Instagram hashtags?

I just posted pictures of my current cats two days ago so I thought I would do a throwback to 1983. 


Here’s an old picture of my dad pretending to like me, also featuring his Siberian Husky, Blitz. The only time I ever saw my dad cry was when he had Blitz put to sleep. Man, I get it, Dad. I get it. He never got another pet after that. I always thought he was a jerk until I grew up and started losing my Originals: Marcy, Nicotina, Don, and Willie. It’s hard to know that I’m going to have to suffer that traumatic heartbreak again one day now that we have two new cats, but this house was just too empty and sad otherwise. 

(Though, full of FLOURISHING PLANTS but I’m not bitter.)

Also, that broad on the left in the picture is Connie, some girl who lived on our street. I just remember she was a Jehovah’s Witness and all that meant to me was that she wasn’t allowed to go trick or treating, which I thought was just cruel, man.

(Connie is not to be confused with the dumb bitch who left me stranded in her treehouse overnight – ok probably only for about an hour until her dad realized I was stuck up there. I was afraid to climb down, Ok?! To this day, I still freeze anytime I’m more than three feet off the ground, which is why you will usually find me panicking on a playground while Henry and Chooch frown at me in disappointment.)

#nationalpetday

Fine, here are also two pictures of Penelope plotting plant perishment. 



Pets are just the best. Never trust someone who doesn’t have at least sea monkeys or a fucking ant farm, you know?

Gotta go. Journey’s “Who’s Crying Now” just came on the radio and I have to go and accidentally wake up Henry with my overzealous bed-dancing. 

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Apr 112017
 


Fred pulled back the kitchen curtains and took in the typical Pittsburgh sky: sunlight struggling to be seen through clouds in varying states of precipitation.

“It’s another beautiful day in Pittsburgh,” he smiled. A note clinging to his fridge against the weight of a Steelers magnet reminded him that he needed to buy more pierogis and pop, but first he was having breakfast with his best friend, Mr. McFeely.

Mr. McFeely was already waiting at a table when Fred arrived at Pamela’s later that morning.

“Fred, we picked a bad day to come here,” he spat sourly. “The place is full of kinderdicks!”

A cursory scan of the breakfast hot spot taught Fred that there were indeed many small children communicating their feelings in the cacophonic volume of basic banshees.

“Mr. McFeely, these children are the future Heinz laborers! The next Sophie Masloffs and Michael Keatons! They deserve to be here, eating potatoes lyonnaise, just as much as you and I.” Fred beamed happily, tucking a napkin into his cardigan.

“Fred,” Mr. McFeely sighed, “you are a good man.”

“I just really love everyone in my neighborhood,” Fred modestly waved off the compliment.

***

On the way to Giant Eagle later that afternoon, Fred’s car hit a pothole the size of Ben Roesthlisberger’s ego, splashing his Schneider’s iced tea into his lap. Fred shook his head and chuckled. “Maybe I should have taken the trolley!”

In Giant Eagle, Fred considered buying a pound of Isaly’s chipped ham but remembered he had 9 pounds of it in his freezer already.

“Will this be all for today?” the young, disinterested cashier asked Fred at the check-out.

“Yes dear, just came here for some pierogis and pop,” Fred answered, his avuncular smile causing crinkles to spread from his eyes.

“It’s soda,” she corrected him, making it clear she was one of those endearing transplants, here to attend college while constantly disputing the vernacular.

Fred took the bag from her outstretched hand, politely wishing her well while laughing softly to himself. He knew she would be calling it pop in no time.
***

When Fred arrived home that evening after a full day of tooling around town, some of the neighborhood children were playing a rousing game of Release. The playing field had spilled into his yard, but Fred didn’t mind; children were his favorite types of people. Especially Pittsburgh children.

Fred paused outside of his front door, smiling lazily at the sounds of prepubescent caterwauls and urban swears while casually sliding the gum band off of the stack of mail that arrived that day. His eyes had just fallen on an ad in the Pennysaver for the Immaculate Heart of Mary fish fry when his periphery caught a flash of something that made him involuntarily dry-heave.

It was a putrid color, the wash of ear wax.

The chroma of Cheetos’d fingertips.

The tint of Carrot Top’s unruly follicular chapeau.

The stain of Snooki’s skin after a summer at the Jersey Shore.

Fred felt the color drain from his face. His heart began thrumming against his ribcage and something of an unfamiliar feeling began rising up from his gut. It was a feeling he felt only thrice in his life:

● Once, when he was inspired to make his own crayons after airing a tour of the Crayola factory on his show, which resulted in him spilling hot wax all over his favorite cardigan.

● Once, when he came home after a particularly long day to find that someone had chucked his Pittsburgh parking chair onto the grass and brutally thieved his rightful parking spot.

● Once, when Lady Elaine Fairchild arrived to work drunk.

The orange flash was a Philadelphia Flyers jersey. On a child.
The feeling Fred felt was pure, unadulterated black and gold fury.

Shaking the Pennysaver—now rolled-up into a Flyers-fan beating apparatus—into the air, Fred hollered, “Get off my lawn, ya jagoff!”

****

This is an original painting that I made for a Pittsburgh-themed blog exchange I participated in. It’s ready to hang and the story comes with it!

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Apr 092017
 

Here are pictures of my cats, which I only took because I wanted to practice the Korean hashtags I learned this weekend.  Conjugating verbs < Internet lingo. 

Obvi. 

Penelope has spent most of the day sleeping in my closet. How boring. This was right after I woke her up so I could take a picture so that this post wouldn’t look like I was favoring Chooch’s dumb cat Drew. 

In other news:

  • Henry has nearly finished painting a magnificant table for the back porch, which will be used for the record player. One night last week he was supposed to be in the basement painting it but really he was in the driveway talking to HNC, so chooch and I were trying to spy on them until HNC’s wife-thing came flying out of the house screaming about how she was going to fucking kill him. Henry said he wasn’t scared but holy shit did that make chooch and me take eighteen giant steps away from the window. Henry said HNC waited for her to go back in before saying, “Ain’t I lucky?”
  • Speaking of neighborss: It’s been a week and I don’t hate the new neighbors. #knockonwood I want to try and suggest having a block party this summer. We’ll see. 
  • Chooch’s piano teacher changed her name to Lavendar and now I love her even more and want to be best friends but I’m too shy-shy, hush hush, eye to eye. 
  • Chooch and I watched the season finale of The Walking Dead last night and holy shit, I’m glad I didn’t give up like I was going to. That episode killed me, though. Henry and I got in a fight because chooch and I kept saying we were so worried about Ezekiel’s tiger and Henry was all, “It’s not even a real tiger. It’s CGI.” And I was like, “No it’s real” and then he went silent for a few seconds before shoving his phone in my face and saying, “Here’s the man in the blue suit that you’re so worried about.” Fuck off, Henry. 

Other than that, all you missed today was me overhearing our old grass-cutter Joe telling the old Polish produce guy up the street that he just got back from DC. He was there for three days. 

Cool story, Joe. 

ETA: I just saw that Kcon NY accounced CNBlue and TWICE (!!!!!) so the rest of my evening has been dedicated to whining, begging, and perfecting my lip-protrude. 

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Apr 082017
 

Today has been gloriously free of responsibility and plans – and I fucking love it. 

I actually slept in for the first time in months, watched The Walking Dead with Chooch (we fell behind a few episodes because I got bored with American TV, but now we’re almost caught up), did KpopX, and found an old Cinematic Sunrise shirt that never really fit me because I was forever fat,  but now it fits so thank you, Korea!


Later, we took a family walk in Homewood Cemetery and I wondered what we must look like to other people who are there jogging, riding bikes, or being generally normal, unlike us. 

Henry: First one to spot a deer—

Me, lying: Found one!!

Henry: —has to cook their own dinner.

Guess who had a cheese sandwich for dinner. :(

There actually weren’t any deer (I guess they all live in Allegheny Cemetery) but we saw a bunch of fat squirrels and ground hogs, and then a large turkey crew right before we got back to our car. 


Chooch fell off this stump literally about 3 seconds after I took this picture. 

After desecrating the sacred burial grounds with our d-baggery, we moved on to Millie’s for some pre-dinner ice cream because WE DO WHAT WE WANT. 

I know some of you will be all EW GROSS YUCK BLAH but one of the current flavors is prune and I was so close to getting it but instead I opted for fig and my bae, my #1, my ride-or-die: dat lavender doe. 

Millie’s is arguably (and you know I love to argue so come at me)  the best ice cream in Pittsburgh (Maya, when you guys come here, we’re going!) and as such, this is the best lavender I’ve ever had. 

Hands down.

Oh my god, Millie’s. I can’t believe I was ever sad that they took over the space of my former favorite ice cream place’s shop—Oh Yeah. 

Their ice cream is just so refreshing!

Henry was mad because every person in line had to try a sample and why couldn’t they just know what they wanted to order, like he did??

(He got peppermint brownie and butter pecan, not like anyone cares.)


Chooch usually always gets Chad’s Favorite Vanilla and The Best Chocolate, but this time he shocked us all by forgoing the chocolate in favor of the peppermint brownie. Wow.

Then we did some shopping. I hate shopping that was whatever. But apparently there is a new version of the Babysitters Club books out?! They’re graphic novels though which doesn’t please me, but Chooch wants to start reading them because all his GIRLFRIENDS read them so I relented and let him get the first one even these newfangled, flashy versions of them make my heart ache. I LOVED THE BABYSITTERS CLUB. 

MY DAD THREW THEM ALL AWAY. 

I HAD EVERY SINGLE ONE!

(Even the special vacation ones and the Junior series.)


“Oooh, the truth about Stacey?!” Chooch cried with faux-excitement. 

“Yeah, she has diabetes.”

“Oh thanks for the spoiler!” Chooch mumbled. LOLOLOL. 

And here’s my current favorite Kpop song that Henry hates. 

EVERYBODY SAY NO. 

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Apr 052017
 

I needed something mindless to do before bed, so a train-of-thought blog post, it is! 

It’s been A Day, to say the least. But I made it through without cracking any gin bottles over my head, somehow. And now it’s over and we’re halfway done with the week! Together, we can do it!

But first, let’s unwind with some old-school BIGBANG with G-Dragon looking perfect as usual:

Whenever I’m feeling really overwhelmed, I think to myself, “What would G-Dragon do?” and then I realize the answer is probably is in Korean so it’s a good thing I’m learning. (I can read some of his hashtags now on Instagram!!)

Speaking of learning Korean, I was watching a YouTube video about what goes into choosing Korean names and how there are actually naming centers where names can be bought. So I was imaging how wonderful it would be to have my own Korean name. I told Glenn at work that the other day that I could have one chosen for me based on my personality. 

“So it could be—”

“Weirdo?” Glenn cut me off just as I was saying, “Beautiful Unicorn.”

I actually did learn that “weirdo” is 이상한 사람 and is NOT NICE. 

I want to go rollerskating this weekend, and I want Henry to plant flowers in the front yard, and I want to have penpals again.


The cats go on the back porch now. It’s whatever. My plants will be dead soon. 

The other night, I couldn’t sleep because I accidentally imagined Henry at his high school prom, requesting some random Captain & Tenille banger so then I couldn’t stop uproariously laughing, like full-blown belly laughs, until henry told me to go fuck myself and fell asleep, which I continued to flounder in that frustrating state of manic giddiness. ALL ALONE. 

It’s all fun and games until I laugh myself to death (which Henry might have a hand in).


I found this old picture of my friend Shawn and I drinking WINE COOLERS in 1998 because we were SO COOL. Some things to note: 

  • that was one of my favorite shirts in the whole world and I only recently parted ways with it because it had a hole in it and you know, it was 20 years old, so. 
  • I still have that same birdhouse hanging up next to my front door, only it’s super battered now from all the times it’s fallen. It actually used to be on the windowsill for years and that was how Kara knew which house was mine, until I moved it onto the wall and then she had to guess which house was mine based on the amount of garbage in the front yard. #brookline
  • I don’t wear purple eyeshadow HARDLY AT ALL these days. Gold has been my signature color for the last five years
  • I might wear my hair like that tomorrow. 
  • I have a vague recollection of this night and I think that things got REALLY AWKWARD when my neighbor Abdul came over later and wouldn’t leave. 

Now in addition to doing my hair like that tomorrow, I also really want to have a throwback party with winecoolers. Are you in or are you way too cool for such corny celebrations. 

I just suddenly got a craving for apple juice though so maybe this party will have juice boxes instead. We can throw it all the way back to kindergarten. 

*****

And now, a riddle from Chooch:  What’s brown, has a head, a tail, but no legs? (Answer in the comments.)

[Ed.note: I guessed a snake, which I feel like could be a legit answer but Chooch says no.]

 

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Apr 042017
 

Chooch didn’t have piano lessons on Sunday so we went for a FAMILY WALK in Allegheny Cemetery, and it made me realize that it’s kind of been a minute since we all slowed down and actually spent some real time together (as in: no TV/phones/computer). Chooch and I were in rare form, the kind of form where EVERY DAMN THING is hilar. And Henry was just like “Shhhh, I’m trying to listen to nature.”

Speaking of, there was a bird call that he couldn’t identify! Chooch and I were appalled. We thought he knew it all.

Henry walks alone. 

One shot family photo.

It was such a good walk!

Then we went to one of the Asian markets and I was going to translate a bottle of juice for Chooch but then a group of people surged through the door and I got supreme stagefright. I bought some new candy for work and struck gold this time! More on that later. Maybe. If you want a good old-fashioned candy review blog post, that is.

But yeah, my Korean studies are going well. It’s not easy at all, but the challenge is just what I needed.

Lol, then henry and I fought because I snuck all kinds of candy in the cart at the Asian market but then he still made me 김밥 for dinner so I win. 

Also in weekend news:

  • HAVE YOU MET TED?: We got new neighbors! They are very un-Boots-y and I hope it stays that way. I think it’s just the two of them: an older couple, maybe a bit older than me, or in their 40s. I only met the guy so far. His name is Ted and he seems fine. I was like CHOOCH LET’S GO MEET THIS GUY BC I NEED TO KNOW NOW IF WE SHOULD EITHER MOVE OR JUST BURN DOWN THE WHOLE HOUSE.
  • PLAIN DOORS: I noticed that our new neighbors got a new front door, probably because of Boots’ actual boots, but then Henry pointed out that no, the door had just been RESTAINED. “Can we do that too?!” I cried, because I want a fresh fucking door. Henry said yes and I screamed, “CAN WE STAIN IT PURPLE?!?!” and he said no. :(
  • BABIES: Babies were here on Saturday, but you knew that!
  • RUNNING MAN: You guys, this is the best show in the world and it’s how Henry and I have mutual laughter while watching it. Running Man is bringing us closer together! The day we play kai bai bo to decide our marital fate is when I’ll know it’s real.
  • BONDING OVER NEVER SHOUT NEVER: Chooch and I capped off a lovely weekend by seeing Never Shout Never at StageAE and I’m sure I’ll splay out 1,000+ words about that later this week. 

Until then, 안영!

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Apr 012017
 

Robbie and Nikki brought the twins to our house tonight for a visit and it was so much fun!

Blake and Haley came over for Babyfest too and watching them interact with their nephews made me even more excited for their baby to get here! I might not like holding babies (I’m terrified!) but I love observing them and the weird faces they make. 

Blake and Eli. 

The ambush <3

Judy and Levi. 

We had Kpop videos on in the background the whole time so maybe they learned some Korean while they were here.  YOU DONT KNOW. Babies have weird brains. 

Chooch was being SO CLINGY and high maintenance all night because god forbid he wasn’t getting attention. But the. He lured Robbie over to the computer to watch him play some dumb game and that seemed to appease him. 

Henry and Levi. 

Judy and Eli. She was just besides herself with joy tonight and it was amazing. Almost as amazing as when she saw a picture of G-Dragon on my phone and thought it was Chooch. I WISH. 

I love that we see both of Henry’s kids so much now! And being around these cute babies makes me want to adopt. Probably not right now though.  I’m pretty poor. 

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