Jul 132015
 

Everyone is always OMGPITTSBURGH<3 and I’m just like, “Eh. Pittsburgh is alright.” This is probably why I don’t really fit the whole “Pittsburgh blogger” label.  However, the one time I REALLY love it here is during the annual Anthrocon!

You might already know that Pittsburgh has somehow, someway, become the official city of the furry convention. Most of my co-workers get so stoked for this time of the summer because furry-sighting is, how can I put this, FUCKING EXHILARATING.

But the reason it makes me love my city so much is that Pittsburgh of all cities has somehow banded together and invited an unconventional social group into its golden triangle.

Who knew that my city could be so open-minded? Go on with your progressive self, Pittsburgh.

Anthrocon has been held here since 2006 (I believe, and I’m too tied to look it up; for fucks sake, I’m writing this on my phone during Teen Wolf commercial breaks, so if you want facts, go turn on the news and hope for the best) but this year was the first time that they moved their parade outside so that anyone, even non-convention goers, could gather ’round and revel in the mascot circle jerk.

Henry and I brought Chooch downtown to be a part of this cuddly moment in anthropomorphic history. Chooch was fine, in a really mild and amiable mood the whole there on the trolley, but as we walked down Liberty Avenue on the way to the convention center, his Veruca Salt switch was flipped and we (and everyone who has the displeasure of sharing curb real estate with us) were treated to a royal shit show, a sticky meltdown of chocolate drama and vitriolic sprinkles dripping down Chooch’s face and hands.

 

The time bomb is ticking.

Eventually, he was straight writhing on the sidewalk, whining and moaning about his parents had the audacity to take his photosensitive ass out into the SWELTERING JULY SUN, and they wouldn’t even give him any water because THEY WANT HIM TO DIE.

I had a bottle of water. Every time I offered it to him, he kicked it away so guess what? NO WATER FOR YOU, JERK-SON. Seriously.

There was baby in a stroller, crying its face off across the street, and even that was less annoying that the defective attitude of my nine-year-old brat-child. I found out later that there were actually a lot of people there that I know, and either they just didn’t see me or Chooch’s rotating demon head was serving as a natural social deterrent.

Then I made Henry hold this sign and he started whining just as bad as Chooch.

It’s a miracle that Chooch even agreed to pause his public cry to Child Protective Services in order to have his photo taken with what I thought was Jesus Lizard, but then some dick on Instagram corrected me and said it was actually Raptor Jesus, which is disappointing because I thought it was an homage to the band.

But I guess that’s giving too much credit.

Still, it’s humorous to me that Chooch was wearing his Lucipurr shirt next to Jesus something-or-other. I should have asked him if he could perform a quick exorcism, but he was one of those serious, non-speaking furries.

Luckily, the parade started only a little bit behind schedule, and everyone erupted into happy cheers. Quite a crowd had formed and it was downright heartwarming. Such a nice display of acceptance, and some of the furries even yelled things like, “We love Pittsburgh!” as they strode past. (I mean, the ones who are allowed to speak, anyway.)

Chooch quickly realized that he could turn this parade into a competition to see who got more high-fives and suddenly he was alert and no longer googling “foster families” and “how to make a hobo bindle out of Henry’s bandannas” on the bedazzled phone he stole from the broad next to us.

I clearly won the high-five contest because hello — I’m the original competitive douchebag in our household. I got three high fives in a row that Chooch missed, so that went over real well. We both got some head pats, too; those were 5 points.

I was positively giddy with furry love. But, I’m pretty simple so I get easily swept away in moments of group camaraderie. Collecting high-fives was insanely enjoyable for me.

Henry got ZERO high fives because all of the furries probably thought he was a NARC.

I don’t know if these rabbits are from something, or if these costumes are original, but they were fucking fantastic either way.

The sun was blazing that day. I can only imagine that inside those suits of funfur was the rancid spice of curdled armpit sauce and rotting galumpki in a dumpster outside of the Terra Haute State Pen. Except that I’m not imaging it really because I don’t have time to throw up right now.

ONE OF THE FURRIES WAS WEARING A BRING ME THE HORIZON SHIRT.

Sadly, I didn’t see the Walrus, even though I know he was in town because Sandy spotted him the night before and texted me a picture of him. I kept waiting and waiting and Henry was like, “He’s not here” and I was like, “NO. HE HAS TO BE! HE’S GOING TO BE THE LAST ONE, BECAUSE HE’S THE BEST ONE.” But no. He wasn’t the grand marshal, like I had hoped. So sad.

After the parade, we stood in line for milkshakes with furries. Only in Pittsburgh.

Chooch and I were best friends again by the time we got home, don’t worry. I can’t stay mad at that jerk.

  7 Responses to “A Furry Afternoon”

  1. This is the best thing EVER!

    • It’s crazy how it’s taken off here! When it first started 10ish years ago (the convention being held here, i mean), it seems like the majority of Pittsburgh were like “whaaaaaa???” But anymore, the people who think furries are “bad” seem to be in the minority!

  2. I am pretty jealous. I would love to watch a Furry parade!

  3. AGGGHHHHH!!! I missed out!!!! *cries and sobs*

    Erin, it’s me, Royce the walrus!!! I’m SO SORRY for missing out on the parade and your awesome family!!! Basically, this year I felt rather “unprepared” for Anthrocon, and I ended up burning myself out twice in suit, most notably the day before the parade. I was in suit almost all day, and walked/danced far too much. Even with lots of breaks, water, rest, sleep, food, and showers, I still felt completely drained and unwell by the previous evening. One of my roommates snored so loudly, I didn’t get much sleep that night either, so I tried to catch up the next day and ended up sleeping past the parade. First furry parade I ever missed, and I feel horrible for missing out on something that everyone else seemed to LOVE! *cries and sobs loudly, as only a walrus can*

    When I found your article, I felt my heart shatter into pieces…. i let you and your family down, and I feel HORRIBLE. :( Please please PLEASE forgive me. Your support of us is so wonderful and amazing, and all of us furries owe you so much for your wonderful kinship to us!!!

    And I want to make it up to you, especially Chooch. But I need you to tell me something first: What is your favorite dance tune, old or new? Particularly if you and Chooch have a favorite dance song that you enjoy together. Please let me know in a reply to this comment! (But tell Chooch that he really has to behave himself first.)

    I vow to be at Anthrocon next year, and I’m super-excited about it, because the theme is Roaring 20s! I’m REALLY hoping I can get some attire together to be a mobster/gangster-walrus or something similar….If you have any ideas or suggestions, they’d be more than welcome!!! :)

    Again, I am INFINITELY SORRY for missing you this year, but if you come by next year, I promise to be in the parade this time and seek you out!!!! Don’t forget the dance song info! BIG FLIPPER HUGS and lots of love to ya all!! :-D

    — “Walrus” Royce Tuxford Cobblepot

    • ROYCE!!!! So good to hear from you! I should have touched base with you before that weekend so we could have arranged to meet you and say hello! Man, it’s gotta make you feel good to know that you guys bring so much excitement and joy to Pittsburgh. Even just in my department at work, we go nuts with anticipation! One of my work friends even arranges an Anthrocon happy hour every year so some of my work friends can hang out across from the hotel and meet you guys. I love seeing all the selfies with furries pop up all over my Facebook feed!

      Hmmmm, favorite dance tune….actually Chooch and I are big fans of Carly Rae Jepsen, so “Call Me Maybe” is the first song that comes to mind, lol! We have obnoxious dance parties to that one and it gets on Henry’s nerves so bad!

      Hope all is well with you!! Xo

    • Don’t beat yourself up, Royce… Your energetic — dare I say, even balletic? — performance in 2016 more than made up for any omissions in previous years. A marvellous contrast you provided to Komos’ sinister intensity, too. Did you see this photo of the two of you?

      http://www.flickr.com/photos/143984909@N02/28274240071

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