I never care about the dumb Macy’s parade but I’m watching it today for NCT127 and when it was just announced that the balloons will fly, I TEARED UP?!?! My emotions are like gremlins running amok. I have no idea what they’re going to do anymore.
Well, I guess I’m live-blogging this because Chooch is watching it with me now and #FUTUREMEMORIES or whatever.
9:08am: Chooch has groaned in the Key of Teenager at my hyperbolic parade-outbursts at least 15 times so far and it only just started 8 minutes ago, and 3 of those minutes was just the announcement of what’s to come. #ThanksgivingBytheNumbers
9:25am: “‘I GOT MY OWN INFECTION!!!’ Ugh that song sucked but I can’t stop singing it!” – Chooch, Celine Dion’s parade performance.
“Are you saying INFECTION?” I asked.
“Yes,” Chooch said.
“It’s IMPERFECTION, you idiot!” I laughed.
“Oh. Well ‘infection’ sounds better.”
And then he said “wait—” and resang it as “infectSHAWN” and said “There, that sounds more like her now.”
What you missed before this was me ranting for a solid 3 minutes about how Barbra Streisand is better than Celine and she can take that fucking Titanic song and shove it up her ass and then we speculated why Celine was holding her stomach and my theory was that she was trying to keep her colostomy bag from slipping out of her dress but Chooch said maybe it was her breast implants leaking?!?
9:35am: remember when Al Roker fat? God I can’t stand him.
This Hades thing is boring so we’re both looking at our phones now.
9:39am: OH OK LET’S ALL LAUGH AT ERIN FOR DROWNING ON HER TEARS DURING THAT ET COMMERCIAL THING THAT ACTUALLY HAD HENRY THOMAS IN IT UGH SHUT UP CHOOCH.
9:41am: When does Al Roker fall off the Roker Cycle? Please tell me that’s scheduled into this dumb parade.
9:44am: OMG Chooch doesn’t know who Tina Turner is. What a Dumb. But he just went on record saying that this lady who emulating Tina Turner sings better than actual Celine Dion, and I agree. Fuck off, Celine. Go home and practice your weird speech impediments on a chunk of stinky French cheese.
9:49am: Ellen commercial incited a riot in my brain and I shouted, “Oh and fuck you too Ellen. Fake ass bitch.” Pause. Chooch giggles. Pause. I giggle too. Then we just flat out start laughing like drunk bastard hyenas. Oh, Thanksgiving!
9:53am: Wow. There’s um…such diversity among the Rockettes. Whatever. I used this time to jog in place.
9:57am: WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT HOW ELMO RUINED SESAME STREET. BREAK THE SILENCE.
10:08am: Wait, country singers look like hipsters now? I’ve been so out of the loop with American things.
10:13am: Choochs favorite float so far is the NY Life / Kelly Rowland one. “All the black singers are so much better,” he said, thank you for the most obvious statement of the year. But then we started making fun of the robots surrounding the float so don’t worry—we haven’t lightened up.
10:20am: If I wore the padded outfit Ciara was wearing, I wouldn’t be able to get out of my front door.
10:27am: all these marching bands are boring. Unless someone is going to mess up, I don’t care. Oh shit that was a band from Pittsburgh. “Yeah that’s the school where the kid stabbed someone,” Henry said, interjecting himself into our parade narrative 90 minutes after it started. HE IS NOT EVEN IN THE SAME ROOM AS US.
10:34am: Wow the Ronald McDonald balloon GOT A TEAR mid-route. You just can’t predict what will happen next at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Truly.
10:39am: ONE MINUTE OF NCT127 PERFORMING HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN WAS STILL BETTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS BORING ASS PARADE. It even brought Henry into the room!
Haechan looked so sweet, I thought I was going to die.
10:43am: Why hasn’t Henry been invited to join the 610 Stompers?! Holy shit.
10:44am: Gushing about how Debbie Gibson’s Electric Youth was THE SHIT when I was in 5th grade. “There was even Electric Youth perfume,” I said apparently too passionately because Henry started snickering from the peanut gallery, aka the dining room table where he’s making serial killer Christmas cards, happy holidays.
10:48am: I wish Billy Porter was my dad. Also, his float is the best, as it should be.
10:53am: there is still an hour left. I already saw NCT. Can I stick it out? Ugh, this is painful.
I love them! Jungwoo wasn’t there because he’s resting and that’s Henry’s bias so he was pretty bummed lol.
10:56am: the kids dancing in this Universal Kids performance thing all look like they just got done shooting a United Colours of Benetton ad and I just realized that i never hear about that brand anymore and I used to HATE it when I was in middle school! We had one of their stores at the mall and my aunt was always trying to get me to wear their clothes but I was fat and it never looked cool on me.
I also had braces and a really bad perm which definitely didn’t help perpetuate the aesthetic Benetton was aiming for.
11:03am: TLC! Chooch said, “I thought you hated them?” And I did a dramatic gasp with a hand on my chest. “Oh, is it just the song No Scrubs you hate?” he asked and was really perplexed when I said no. “I swear you hated something about scrubs…” and then we came to the conclusion that it was the TV show Scrubs that I hated.
I was telling Chooch about how Lisa Left Eye López died and he countered with a history lesson about Richie Valens and Buddy Holly. I…had no idea he knew about them. Now he’s singing “La Bamba.” “I like that song,” he said as he left the house and now I just realized I’m the only one still sitting here watching this dying horse of a parade.
11:09am: I dislike country singers and Christmas songs so you would think I would hate this current performance but it turns out that “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” is one of the few Xmas songs I genuinely like and this dude’s voice isn’t too twangy and he’s sans cowboy hat so this is tolerable.
11:19am: OK ASHANTI WITH YOUR UN-AGING SELF. RUB IT IN.
11:20am: Apparently Henry snuck (yeah I know “sneaked” but snuck sounds so much better!) off to Blake’s house next door I guess because there was too much parading for him.
11:26am: SORRY JIMMY FALLON BUT EVERYONE KNOWS THAT PEE WEE HERMAN HAS THE MOST LEGENDARY PERFORMANCE OF WHATEVER THAT BIRD SONG IS.
Anyway, NCT’s 90 second performance is already on YouTube:
I’ll just watch this over and over while Lea Michele’s performance is happening. She is so fucking annoying.
11:39am: another fucking marching band.
11:48am: I have suffered through so much. Marching bands. Broadway performances. Al Roker. Hoda. Commercials. Celine Dion and her infection. A ripped Ronald McDonald. I don’t think I can continue to the end. I can’t imagine that the finale will actually be that grand.
11:55am: this “man with the bag” performance is making me uncomfortable bc I’m not thinking about Santa, but a serial killer with a burlap sack wide enough to fit the girth of my dead body.
11:57am: Santa is overrated. This finale was flat. I’m out. Happy ThanksLIVING everyone (that’s what all of us cool veg-people are saying this year according to social media).