Our first stop in Maine was a town called Saco where a small amusement park called FUNTOWN SPLASHTOWN lives. You gotta know we planned this trip around roller coasters! Originally, we were also going to go to La Ronde in Montreal, but that is infamously known as the WORST Six Flags park in their entire roster and we figured if we’re going to go to Montreal for the first time, we want more time to actually see the city AND we’d prefer going to the park on a weekday NOT a Saturday. Well, Henry decided this unilaterally, I should say. And then continued to change the itinerary every step of the way, BUT THAT IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE, RIGHT???

Don’t mind me, sitting over here at my desk blowing piping hot steam out of my nose like your average pissed off cartoon bull.

I also want to interrupt myself here to say that I thought it was fun that the state line was in the middle of a bridge! Look at me, being positive and highlighting the little things. Whoop-de-doo.

Well, I guess I will try to leave my negativity re: trip planning at the door for this one because we actually did have a really nice time once Henry stopped screaming at Chooch for “following the GPS directions” which were taking to us to the destination that would come after this one, but every time Chooch asked him, “Then which way should I go?” Henry wouldn’t answer?!! Lots of screaming ensuing.

Then Henry was all controlling about where we parked and Chooch was like, “I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING” and Henry was like, “TURN DOWN THIS AISLE!” and like, bro, the parking lot was not even that big. It truly did not matter where we parked. I was about to open the door and barrel-roll onto the gravel just to get away from the backseat drill sargeant.

S H E E S H.

Can we talk for a second about the awesome lettering/font they used here? I love it so much. It has 90’s Nick-vibes, like Doug Funny might be here with Patty Mayonnaise and the gang on a school field trip.

Since we had arrived around 4PM, we were able to get the discounted evening tickets which was a pretty decent savings! This was especially good for us because we knew this wasn’t a full-day park and that we were not going to be staying that long. (Originally, we were going to go to Portland from here and spend the evening there, but don’t worry – Henry fucked that all up UNILATERALLY as he was wont to do on this entire road trip that was meant to celebrate my birthday and help cheer me up but then ended up doing none of those things, so, good job Henry. Hope you haven’t started that travel agency yet unless it’s specifically for people who want to punish themselves under the guise of “vacationing.”)

My very first impression was neutral, I guess. There isn’t a real defined “entrance” or anything – you walk through the gate and everything is just kind of there, no rhyme or reason. No defined sections. Go left for waterpark stuff. Shitter straight ahead. Everything else, to the right and good luck. Of course, Henry had to pee straight away so we walked in and came to an abrupt halt like lost tourists while he did his thing.

Almost immediately, we came upon the new for 2023 darkride, Whispering Pines. SO HERE’S THE THING: It appears that every fucking coaster YouTuber had the same idea as us and did some rando’ New England coaster tour in the weeks leading up to our own trip, so I was watching a bunch of content prior to this and people were straight up q-tipping their pee holes over this ride. “OMG it’s Disney-caliber!” “I can’t believe this ride is here in this tiny nugu* area of Maine!” “I rode it 4x because it’s so fucking good!” “USA Today ranked it #6 of the best new attractions for 2023!”

*(nugu in Korean means “who?” and it’s what people call rookie/unknown kpop groups when they’re trying to be derogatory. Like, “Wow, that nugu group really just became Gucci embassadors? Who is their company paying off?”)

OK so I went into this with my hopes way too high, like maybe my hopes could have tried a few drops of CBD oil first before going so hard, but OK. There were three pre-teen kids in front of us and they were REAL hype boys for this ride, telling me, “IT’S SCARY!” etc etc and I was like, “Mmm, I’ll be the judge of that.”

I mean, I appreciated the Shining-esque carpeting in the queue line! That whole vibe was great.

And OK honestly? It was cool for a new dark ride in some nugu park. For sure. But was I crapping my pants and buying postcards to send home about this? “I CRAPPED MY PANTS ON A DARK RIDE IN MAINE! WISH YOU WERE HERE.”

Like…no. No, I wasn’t. IT WAS A SHOOTER RIDE AND THE GUNS WEREN’T EVEN WORKING.

Also, I hate shooter dark rides. I just want to sit back and relax on a dark ride. And I’m not even that picky, either! Stick me in a Pretzel car and send me through a veritable walk-in closet full of 1960s K-Mart Halloween props, turn on some strobe lights, and splash some day-glo paint on a wall in harlequin shapes and I am golden. And make it stink of musty sweaters and fog machines.

Apparently, this bothered me on a subconscious level because I actually had a dream the other night that I was so let down by this dark ride that I MADE MY OWN that was so scary I couldn’t stop thinking about it when I woke up.

I’ve really been wanting to quit my job lately and maybe this is my calling!? DESIGNING DARKRIDES?! SALLY,, YOU HIRING? I have absolutely no industry experience but I have been going to haunted house since 1994 and watching horror movies since before I could even walk so I’m sure I have something to offer. Also, let’s not forget that I was a member of DAFE (Darkride and Funhouse Enthusiasts!) for like, two whole seasons.

OK, we have to move on from that topic. Next, we went on Wild Mouse. It was a standard Wild Mouse. Ops actually weren’t terrible. There was a straight-up carny running this piece and he was giving Kirk vibes. It was OK. I appreciated the color scheme.

The entire reason we came to this park was for their woodie, Excalibur. I really loved this area!! Not gonna lie, most of the park was just like if Henry’s mom was playing Roller Coaster Tycoon for the first time and just dropped everything down into an asphalt lot, willy nilly, eschewed all landscaping and was content with the park itself looking just like an extension of the parking lot. Not memorable. Kind of ugly.

But then oh what’s this, motherfucking Camelot? OK, I see you, Funtown. I see your fucking sword in the stone….or whatever.

THE STATION IS A CASTLE. Also, there is no other ride over here so it’s a real chill area. It’s where the cool coaster kids go to hang, you know? Like the mall on a Friday night in 1995.

The queues were set up interestingly – four rows: one for the first row, two for the rows in the middle, and one for the back row. There weren’t a lot of people there but it was one train ops and woo boy, those ops were like, “Hey-o, we’re in the land of the maple syrup so let’s move like it.” Chooch and I got in the queue for the back row and it took quite some time. Not to mention the people with passes who were allowed to just stay on as long as they changed seats so it was almost every single cycle, seats were being taken away from the people who were in line. I don’t even think it was a “fast pass” – it sounded like the ride ops were telling someone that they’re “members” and on top of that, they had the THOOSIE look to them: dorky and entitled. (Sorry my coaster brethren, but you know it’s true!)

Guys, I low-key hated this coaster. It’s been said that it’s like the New England version of Raven, which I love, but JeezUS. I could actually feel my brain bouncing back and forth inside my skull. When we came back to the station, Henry was in the front row to ride next so Chooch was like, “Suddenly I care about my dad now, see ya” and dumped me like a sack of potatoes (which is what I’m mistaken for quite often actually) to go slide into the empty seat next to him. I was like EXCUSE ME, THIS ISN’T CHILD SWAP?? but also I didn’t really want to ride it again so jealousy did not have a place here for once.

I thought I could run back around (PUT ME IN THE DUNGEON, I DON’T CARE) to the “observation deck” or whatever so that I could take a picture of them while they were still in the station, but this fucking Sir Putzalot idiot got in my way and I kept doing the IN A HURRY shuffle behind him before finally gasping EXCUSE ME and shouldering past him. BUT IT WAS TOO LATE. I was unrealistically pissed off about this which I was going to blame on my current fucked up psycho mindset but honestly I would have reacted like this no matter what. That was just me being me.

WAIT, WTF IS THIS PHOTO SPOT OVER THERE?? Ugh, I didn’t know that existed – I wouldn’t have had to run all the way back to the damn entrance!!

Whatever.

This happened much later, but I want to say that I’m glad I decided to give this a second chance because I ended up loving it. I rode it with Henry third row from the back and it was so much better, except that we had to suffer through an entire family of line-jumpers – can’t stand you, mothercheffers!! But yeah, second time around was so much better and I actually wanted to ride it again but then line got really long after that for some dumb reason and no one wanted to wait with me so I pouted.

I loved this picture behind me – haunting.

Basically Potato Patch fries. Chooch and I both got mucho sick after eating this. BUT WE STILL NEEDED TO RIDE THE CAROUSEL.

Longest, most boring carousel. There were kids that were actually begging to stay on. Gross.

Also around this time, we went to the gift shop which was STRANGE AND BIZARRE. There was what I can only describe as a CRYSTAL COUNTER with its very own CRYSTAL DEALER. She was…not a Funtown employee, I refuse to believe it. She used to have a crystals and windchimes shop in the mountains but was run out of the area by rogue maple syrup pirates and was forced to move her wares into a shared space with Funtown beach towels and magnets.

There was also a super screamy kid in the gift shop and its grandma pulled it outside but then stood with it at the door so we could all still hear it shrieking. It was so rude! Like, hello, crystal lady is trying to ring up my fucking magnet and Chooch’s Funtown collector’s pen while attempting to hide her disappointment that none of us opted to throw in a chakra marble, could you NOT let your grandthing wail like that?

OK OK OK LISTEN UP. CHOOCH AND I ALMOST DIDN’T RIDE ASTROSPHERE BECAUSE THE LINE SEEMED LONG AND ALSO WE WERE STILL GESTATING FRENCH FRY FETUSES. But then I was like, “Look son, if we don’t ride this basic indoor Scrambler that we’ve done at numerous other parks (OK like three other parks) we might live to regret it.”

It was in this line that I really started to notice the clientele here at Funtown.  I don’t know if I was expecting fishermen and like, the Kennedys-on-holidays or what, but that’s certainly not what we were seeing here. Henry texted me while we were in line and was like, “I feel like we’re like in rural Indiana.”  The people in this line in particular were really creeping me out. Lots of early 2000s nu metal aesthetic.

Then there was this uncomfortable interaction between two young boys behind us and another young boy that was far enough ahead of us that he was technically next to us on the other side of the railing. Anyway, I couldn’t really figure out what was going on but I think they must have met each other earlier in the day in another line and the kid in front of us was like, “Hello <name> do you remember my name?” and the kid behind us DID NOT so the other kid had to reintroduce himself and then the mom was like pretending to care about the things the kid behind us was saying and it was so fake, and then then kid behind us was like, “Hey <name> do you want to ride this with us” and that kid (I feel like his name was Joel) literally SNAPPED, “No, I promised my mom I would ride with her, so.” It was such an uncomfortable rejection and I couldn’t understand why that kid had changed his attitude so quickly when he was the one who initiated the conversation in the first place?? And then he saw some other kid he knew too and was acting like the mayor of Funtown and…no, kid, just no. You are not cool.

Anyway, he and his mom got to ride one cycle before us and when they got off the ride, they walked right past the kid behind me with NO ACKNOWEDGEMENT. I was Team Kid Behind Us. Joel was not that great and his mom seemed like a PTA mom who acts like she has lots of power but really she’s just the one that makes sure the bake sales are NUT & GLUTEN FREE.

Holding our stuff and judging people, and also probably wondering if lobster trappers make more money than Faygo pushers.

OK finally it was our turn!! The ride operator made a big production of counting a certain number of us and having us enter the building and stand against the wall. He then gave us the spiel about strobe lights, etc. and told us to put our arms up in an X if we wanted the ride to stop at any point. I was like, “Jesus Christ, where’s the waiver” because there were so many warnings.

YO. This ride, though. Every other ride like this has been pretty much the same – just a scrambler in the dark with flashing lights and LOUD ASS POP MUSIC PLAYING. I have unfortunate memories of Party in the USA playing on the one we rode at Knoebel’s once and just totally killing the vibe.

But this one. Holy shit. First of all – the music. It was some kind of 1970s prog rock psychedelic opera which I didn’t know at the time was ELO but Henry was like “THIS IS A REAL SONG” and is now sad that he didn’t ride this with us because maybe it would have given him a chance to relive his golden stoner years. But this song was perfect for this ride and made me feel like I was in a reefer van getting geared up for a climax at Spahn Ranch. But then!! The projections started! Totally warped outer space bullshit. Skulls! Aliens! Probably what the first known sketch of the Demogorgon looked like. Weird astral bullshit. Did a science teacher design this ride after seeing one Pink Floyd lightshow?? It was like “Spencer’s, but make it a lightshow and leave out the dicks.”  Chooch and I were laughing so hard – this was the hardest I had laughed in MONTHS, the first time since the end of June that I wasn’t thinking about Drew, crying about Drew, feeling panicked, depressed, angry, lost. OMG WAS I JUST CONVERTED TO SOME FRINGE MAINE LIGHTHOUSE RELIGION???

We were fucking CACKLING the whole time and wheezing, “WTF IS THAT??” Clipart-palooza. Glad I bought a ticket, wish I had a commemorative shirt. 100% in the Top 3 best moments of the weekend. Amazing.

Well, let’s look at some scenery, and then say goodbye to Funtown.

What a weird little park.

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