Our first amusement park of this summer’s chaotic coaster road trip was Beech Bend in Bowling Green, Kentucky. This is a very small park that probably isn’t on the radar of the general population unless they live in the area, but coaster enthusiasts (those cray-cray thoosies) will go out of their way for it because of the wooden coaster – Kentucky Rumbler.

There are two other small coasters here, and a dark ride, among a collection of your standard carnival-type rides like a Music Express and a Scat 2. We knew this wasn’t going to be a full day park by any means so we were content with rolling up around 3:30PM last Saturday, after driving since 8AM from Pittsburgh ugh, and paying the “evening rate.” PLUS HENRY GOT THE SENIOR DISCOUNT LOLOLOLOLOL. Chooch and I were calling him Our Senior after that. :)

My first impression was – yay, free parking! The parking lot was a large grassy expanse and so much better than your typical asphalt slab.

Second impression was that it reminded me of a much less run-down Camden Park in West Virginia. You got that same rural vibe and glorified carnival-type rides, but they were much better maintained and the park itself had lot of beautiful landscaping and flowers. Also had Waldameer vibes, a little.

Kentucky Rumbler was the entire reason this has been a bucket list park for quite some time. It’s always a crap shoot when it comes to woodies, but I had heard such glowing reviews for this one so I got in line with confidence. My first impression was that the ride had two ride ops who seemed to genuinely want to be there – they were friendly and chatty with the riders!

Also, it was a station wait!

Second impression was that this coaster WAS AWESOME. It surpassed my expectations! All I was hoping for was something that wouldn’t jackhammer me, and this was as smooth as a violent woodie can possibly be, IYKYK. Our first ride was backseat and we were SCREAMING! I kept calling the first drop “the swirl” though, and I am certain that this was bigly getting on Chooch’s last nerve. I was very giddy – imagine being in the car all day and then let loose to ride a wild, bucking bronco of a wooden coaster. Shoooo.

Totally re-rideable too, even for Henry! What a gem tucked away in rural Kentucky, honest to god. And honestly, this set the bar high for the rest of our trip. I was expecting the FIRST COASTER of a weeklong road trip to be this exceptional, but here we are, a week later and I’m still thinking about it longingly and running my fingertips over the Kentucky Rumbler magnet that now adorns my fridge.

We would come back to this side of the park later to get some more rides on it, but first we had to acquire the other two coaster creds in the park…

…and terrorize Chooch with selfie requests.

Not pictured, but this was in line for the SBF Visa Spinning coaster which are a dime a dozen these days, especially at the really small parks like this one, indoor family fun centers, boardwalks, etc. Nothing to write home about.

Oh shit, now that I’m looking at this picture, Chooch and I rode the Starship 4000 later that day and it was my first time riding one of these in A MINUTE. I sincerely think the last time was probably the Butler County Fair?? In fact, I can’t remember ever riding one of these with Chooch, so that was exciting! Until it started whirring and I quickly remembered just how uncomfortable these are, especially considering it was about 10 degrees hotter inside that space prison as it was outside, and I can’t remember it physically hurting my sternum?? Like, I honestly thought something was going to crack inside of me and I was psychically pleading for the fucking cycle to end.

The carousel was right across from the spinning coaster though and I was like, “PUHLEASE can we take the carousel now because I get any sweatier???” I quit using deodorant with aluminum in it because I’m so afraid of cancer here there and everywhere, so I was fucking sweating like a lumberjack through my shirt. It was pathetic. But good god, it was like standing on a frying pan set on the sun that day and would not get any better until halfway into the week.

Anyway, they’re smiling because this was only the first carouselfie of the trip and neither of them had to take the picture. This doesn’t last long LOL.

OK I was already stoked that this place has a dark ride, but this one blew me away!! It was old-school, which I love, BUT it had a lot of extra auditory effects which heightened the experience by a lot and seriously creeped me out in the best way. And not only was the ride experience totally memorable but the ride op – LYNDA LOVE – was so adorable and personable! There was a family that got in line straight from the water park, and the women were unfortunately only wearing coverups over their bathing suits so Lynda had to turn them away because pants are required on all the rides there. There was a bit of a language barrier and Lynda turned to us and said forlornly, “I wish I would speak their language.” We asked Chooch if they were speaking Spanish and, not once looking up from his phone, shrugged and said, “I don’t know, probably.” And Henry said, “Well, couldn’t you tell them what she said?”

“I mean, yeah probably. But I think they got the gyst,” he said in his patented “can’t be bothered” tone. Thanks, Chooch! Always so willing to go the extra mile.

Anyway, I screamed a lot in the haunted house, in case you were wondering. Also, it was air-conditioned in there and felt amazing. Lynda’s parting words to every car was, “Enjoy the a/c!” This was after giving everyone instructions on what to do if the ride breaks down so I guess that happens frequently.

Normally I would have been ALL ABOARD for Scat2 but it was so hot and humid that even now as I think back to this, I want to vomit. Hard pass, Scat2.

The Wild Mouse was the last credit we needed. In line, I instructed Henry and Chooch that we had to sit all three together, no spaces in between any of us, to ensure maximum spinning. I legit said this so many times that I was getting on my own nerves.

There was a single ride ahead of us and I was NO GODDAMIT because I thought for sure the ride op was going to send us all in the same car, but he sent the single ride by himself! Then he came over to me, squinted at my shirt, and yelled, “PIERCE THE VEIL?! WHAT’S THAT, SOME KIND OF ROCK BAND??” I said yes and Chooch was irritated. “I wouldn’t call them ROCK,” he music snobbed as we slid into the car.

Yeah, I know, but the dude was like 70, letting him believe they’re a rock band isn’t hurting anyone!

MEANWHILE!!! Henry the Dissenter didn’t slide all the way in and was about to leave an empty seat between him and Chooch!! Right as the ride op was about to lower the bar, I screamed, “NO!” and made Henry slide over a seat, which made him grumble. The WHOLE WAY up the lift hill, I berated him for not listening to me re: seat assignments.

“I was listening! I just forgot!”

“FROM 2 MINUTES AGO???” I screamed around Chooch, who was willing himself to astral project back to Philly.

Yo, thank god Henry had enough time to swap seats because that was an INSANE Wild Mouse lap. I mean, we were spinning extra on the course but when we got to the brake run, we sat there for a good minute spinning like the Spaceship 4000 – I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t catch my breath and was near tears.

When the ride op finally brought us back to the station, he was laughing too. “THAT’S why she wanted you to move seats!” he said to Henry, who just frowned in response. ;)

“Do you want to ride that?” I joked to Chooch.

“The AMBULANCE?” Chooch cried. I mean, I was gesturing to the little kids truck ride under that pavilion, but wow, get dark with it, Chooch.

There was big, dreary warehouse-type structure with “games” and a snack bar, and also “party rooms.” It was pretty bleak in there so I think Beech Bend should work on make that area more festive and less “this is where Farmer Beechbend used to store the feed and hoes.” I used the bathroom in there – it was two stalls, super tiny and HOT – and a mom was in the stall next to me struggling to get her kid to take a shit. This was the second time that day that I had an unnerving public restroom experience with a mom and her unruly child.

Meanwhile, Henry bought himself a soft pretzel and Chooch and I ate most of it. :)

I really thought that said “Cabananas 1 -19” and “Cannabis 1 – 5”.

Did you know that I can’t ride pirate ships anymore as an adult? I can ride the most extreme coasters and spinny shit, but pirate ships will knock me out. It’s the rocking motion – side to side or front to back, it makes me nauseous. :(

We did not ride this janky backyard log flume and I lowkey regret it even though we saw one of the logs get stuck at the top of the tallest drop, lol.

We spent the last part of our day lapping Kentucky Rumbler. Station wait every single time – could have been a walk-on even if we weren’t such bitches for the backseat.

Ew, on the way out, we stopped to watch some game that was being played on this stage and I DID NOT APPRECIATE THE WAY THIS BABY WAS LOOKING AT ME.

Chooch said that it looked like his friend’s brother Roman, but I thought he said, “That baby looks like it’s broken” and I screamed OMG IT DOES.

Delightful swings!

Anyway, the park closed at 7 (ON A SATURDAY? IN JULY?!) but we managed to do all we needed to do in about 2 hours – plus, we were overheated and STARVED. I would definitely stop back here if we’re ever out that way though because Kentucky Rumbler is just THAT good.

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