Friday, August 2 was our last day of what was hopefully not our last family vacation! I think we were all ready to wrap it up, to be honest. Not in a bad way! But we vacation hard and there was very little rest, plus that fucking heatwave in the first half of the week really drained us big time.  But Henry had proposed that we stop at Indiana Beach on the way home because they put in two “new” coasters since we were last there in 2022. So, hey why not right? Indiana Beach is always a good time.

Except when your period starts that morning and you’re suffering some really terrible cramps which has you doubled-over in pain at times and urgently needing to sit the eff down. Needless to say, I was content spending lots of time in the Fascination room watching Chooch waste our money.

EW.

There was one lady down there who had just learned to play Fascination and was such a sore winner that I legit couldn’t take much more of her big-ass mouth.

Chooch is pretty good at this and won a fair amount of times but not enough to win me one of those JAWS PLUSHIES!!! I WANTED ONE SO BAD.

This coaster is “new” to Indiana Beach but it actually came from another park in Mexico and that part of its history ended in tragedy so I was very not stoked about riding it here in Indiana.

Can you tell?

It actually wasn’t too bad though.

The last car is actually facing backward and I wanted to get that one but not enough that I was willing to stand in line again.

There was a little girl in front of us who cried her face off when she was too short to ride it and this was the second time that day that people in front of us had to leave a line after standing in it for 30+ minutes because they didn’t bother to measure their dumb kids at the entrance of the rides. On the other coaster (the other “new” to the park coaster which was just one of those rinky-dink Galaxi things) the one mom was like YOU SHOULD HAVE A SIGN THEN!!! and the ride op was like, “We do” and pointed way back to the entrance of the ride. Haha. In your face, mom.

Honestly, there wasn’t too much that happened during our short stint at Indiana Beach aside from me complaining about menstrual pain and bitching about the crowds – it wasn’t even THAT crowded but compared to the vacant parks we had experienced up until then, it was SHOCKING AND APPALLING. I had my Karen sun visor on. You just can’t see it.

So, what I’m trying to say is let’s just look at some random pictures from the park. I’m pretty sure Hoosier Hurricane was the last thing we rode (three whole rides!) before Chooch played more Fascination and then we left to begin the last stretch of our drive back to Pittsburgh.

Chooch made friends with this seasoned couple next to him. They invited me to play too but I was like, “No thanks, I’ll continue to sit in the corner and bleed out.”

Something must have inspired me to snap this picture. Who knows.

Indiana Beach is truly such a quirky park. Usually, we do the dark rides too but one of them is an upcharge and the other one, all adults have to ride alone in their car and the line was long. Since this wasn’t our first time there, it was a hard pass.

The layout here makes no sense. It honestly looks like something that I would have designed in Roller Coaster Tycoon – rides on top of each other, interwoven coaster track, etc.

And that’ll do it for my long-winded, super drawn-out vacation recap. Overall, it was a really fun way to turn 46, I loved spending time with Chooch (ugh and Henry), I loved going to new places (and one new state!) and I loved all of the idiotic inside jokes we picked up along the way. I really value these chaotic road trips and the memories that we make, and I hope that Chooch does too!

Thanks for limping along with me!

I was dumb-excited to go to downtown Waterloo for dinner because ever since Chooch made me do that stupid morning radio show trivia game with him ON AIR, and the answer to the last question was Waterloo, I always laugh anytime it comes up in general conversation.

Chooch was the one who found the restaurant we’d be eating at that night and it was so nice to not drive around looking for something while arguing.

Newton’s Paradise Cafe!

It was just us, and two other tables of diners there that evening. It was perfectly chill. If you ignore the fact that after we arrived, some bell was dinging for about 5 minutes until the server finally came out from the back, and that was still less annoying to me than our experience at MULLETS the night before. Just in case you were wondering.

The face of someone who has been forced to spend too much time with me.

I announced that I was getting the portabella sandwich as soon as I had a menu in my paws. Then several minutes later, Henry said, “They have a portabella sandwich.” I yelled, “I know!” and Chooch said, “I don’t even listen to her and I still knew that’s what she was getting.”

BUT JOKE’S ON ME because they were OUT OF IT. The amount of times this happens to me is unbelievable! THREE TIMES on this trip alone! I’m the Schleprock of Restaurant Ordering.

It’s OK. I went back to my original choice of veggie wrap and remained in a decent mood. Somehow.

I mean, I had to sit next to Henry while he masticated a country fried steak like there was a time limit.

BUT YO. YOOOoooooOOOOooo. Can we talk about the coleslaw? IT HAD PESTO IN IT. It was so delicious. It dried my portabella tears right up.

Meanwhile, some guy and his little boy came in and sat several booths away from us. I don’t know what the kid said to our server but she was GENUINELY cracking up loudly and my FOMO was crowning.

“It couldn’t have been THAT funny,” I mumbled into my ‘slaw.

Anyway, it was a decent dinner, no complaints.

After dinner, I made the idiots walk with me down the street because I wanted to see the RIVER. It was SCARY!! “I’d say it’s a little bit flooded,” Henry said, probably thinking he was so funny and wishing his mom was there to clap for him.

Genuinely terrifying.

Some bitches.

Henry had been talking about how we were going to be driving past THE BIGGEST TRUCK STOP IN THE WORLD like, ever since we set off on this journey. And….then he proceeded to drive right past it?? I screamed at him about it so he had to get off the next exit and drive all the way back. I wanted a fucking Iowa magnet!! I hadn’t found a good one the whole time we were in that corny state.

You guys, it turns out that this is really only incredible if you’re a TRUCKER. Hence – TRUCKSTOP. This is not a really good gas station – it has some stuff for civilians but it’s mostly a big deal for TRUCKERS looking TRUCK ACCOUTREMENTS.

There was a lot of fast food options in there though and also a restaurant full of truckers.

We lost Chooch in this section for some reason. It was the most boring section of the whole store and I hated it.

LOL. The one Iowa photo zone I found in the entire state basically.

See? It’s just dumb shit. But they did have some nice magnets at least. So I got some. Because it was still technically my birthday and THAT’S WHAT I WANTED.

We made it to Illinois a little after 10PM – we changed our plans and instead of going home through Wisconsin to get that one coaster cred, Henry was like, “OR! What if we just go to Indiana Beach” and I was amenable to that because they have two “new” coasters since we were last there and honestly, we were only going to Wisconsin so that Chooch could visit one of his Mexico crew but then she wasn’t going to be there anyway and to be quite honest you guys, we were all just trying to take the fastest route home by then. I was tired and wanted to see Penelope.

Indiana Beach post upcoming!

As usual, I am such a snail at vacation recaps. But we’re almost to the finish line! I just have to get my mind off the G-Dragon track so I can knock this one out – I have therapy tomorrow and the way I am so excited to have someone other than Henry to talk about the G-Dragon concerts this past weekend. I am so pathetic, truly.

Before we get into Lost Island, I would be remiss to not mention the BEST gas station I have ever been to (nope, not Buckees, sorry but fuck Buckees, it’s not for me fam). It’s a local Iowa joint called Marker 126.

(Henry was more partial to KUM & GO, ugh.)

(Also the way it took me a hot minute to think of the word “partial” makes me think I need to do more brain games or something, sheesh.)

It was absolutely beautiful – had amazing food choices, a cafe, A BOUTIQUE. In fact, I had spent the whole trip lamenting the fact that I left my sunglasses at home and refusing to pay $30 for those shitty MAGA shades at other gas stations / truck stops, like I’m cosplaying a hunter or something, so fucking disgusting.

“THOSE ARE ACTUALLY NICE SUNGLASSES THO” Henry tried to red-neck’splain at a Love’s gas station when I was practically vomiting over the display because they were so hideous, constructed specifically to cover ICE agents’ eyes. Or Marjorie Taylor Green for when she’s fly-fishing for conspiracy theories and orange bronzer to gift Dear Leader.

By “nice” I don’t think Henry meant “lookin’.”

But at Marker 126, I found a pair that was EXACTLY MY STYLE, and they were only $13!! Now I regret not buying several because there were a bunch I was (bare) eyeballin’.

First though I used the restroom which hello, was in a gas station mind you:

Yeah. Marker 126 had my heart. I loved its whole vibe.

Oh, and this was all after we went to that religious grotto thing!!

But then! Lost Island.

This is a new theme park in Waterloo, Iowa. They already had a waterpark that is very popular and decided to build a theme park to go along with it. Enthusiasts have really been trying to spread the word about this place because it is so beautifully-themed but severely under visited because most general public don’t know about it and even if they did, who is going to visit Iowa for a theme park other than crazy-ass coaster heads like us?

There were barely any cars in the lot which was sad. It was already mid-afternoon when we arrived so you’d imagine that it wasn’t going to get any busier than it already was at that point of the day.

I was expected it to be so flat and widespread for some reason??

The park is divided into four different lands and you really do feel like you’re not on Earth anymore. Or at least not in the States. I can’t explain it but there was a vibe, lol. I felt uncomfortable in a way but also intrigued? I think maybe because it seemed so exposed there.

The main reason I wanted to go here – and even planned this trip around Lost Island – is because they got a brand new RMC! It was making me nervous though because their website kept saying COMING SOON even after we officially made our vacation plans, but then it opened ONE WEEK before we got there!

It’s a single rail which isn’t my favorite type of RMC and it was definitely not operated as efficiently as the one in Six Flags Great America where they have numerous trains constantly cycling. This one also had the moving station but the second time we rode it, they brought the train in and stopped it for everyone to get on so I don’t. The ride ops were very friendly but didn’t seem like your typical WE ARE OPERATING AN RMC DO NOT FUCK AROUND ride ops that I’m used to. These ones were like, “HEY LET’S CHAT” to everyone standing in line which was nice and I liked that.

I liked Fire Runner but it hurt my thighs.

I forgot to bring a Yuta photocard with me on this trip in preparation for the Yuta land of Lost Island so we had to improvise. IN CASE YOU DIDNT KNOW, Yuta is Henry’s NCT127 bias.

(Chooch, observing this photo being taken while being perpetually embarrassed of us: “THIS is why you were crying in the car about not bringing a Yuta photocard? You actually PLANNED FOR THIS?” Um, yes I did, duh.)

LOL my new sunglasses.

Also, the ride attendant made us listen to his whole safety spiel before opening the gate. Then he asked us where we were from and said, “Wow, that’s a long way to come” and we just laughed like buddy you have no idea the lengths we go to for the stupidest shit.

I really fucking loved looking around this place. There isn’t much to do there (yet) but hopefully this new RMC will bring all the coaster boys to the yard so that the park is able to put more rides in. It was actually creepy how few people were there. Aside from the RMC, we were legit walking on to everything and sometimes we were even the only people on the rides.

So, this purple coaster is supposed to be on the worst coasters in America. I was literally reading someone’s shit post about it on Reddit on the way there, saying it was the worst coaster they’ve ever ridden, of any style, and I was like OH BOY LET’S GO SPINAL FUSION. Henry decided before even getting there that he would not be joining us on it.

First of all, for anyone not in the coaster know, it’s a Vekoma SLC (suspended looping coaster) and they are so notoriously shitty that it’s actually hilarious. They’re headbangers and backbreakers. Not fun at all. Painful. NO ONE CARES when they get removed from parks, and here’s Lost Island BRINGING ONE to their park.

First, we had to walk past the drop tower and look at the station for it!! Do you see what I mean – this place has their theming game on point and I can’t wait to see what else they do!

OK so we rode it. Every comment on Reddit was like AVOID THE FRONT so we sat in the back and actually that scared me too but you know what? NOT THAT BAD. I mean, not great either, it’s a fucking SLC and the only good one I’ve ever ridden is the Great Nor’Easter at Morey’s Piers (god love Wildwood), but this was not as bad as I was expecting. I wasn’t trying to get a re-ride like the little boys in front of us, but I didn’t mind it.

Henry seemed shocked when we didn’t come limping back to him and instead walked regularly and said “Not that bad” with a shrug. OK LOST ISLAND, I SEE YOU.

YOOOOOO, YOU KNOW I LOVE ME A WACKY WORM!!! We actually did have to wait in line for this one, lol. Henry got to stand with the other dads to take pictures of us.

LOL.

Sorry I was taking this picture into the sun but we walked past some cast members doing a performance. We didn’t watch the whole thing but what I gathered is that each land of Lost Island has their own characters and they were working together to do a thing. It seemed cute.

You guys seriously though, did I mention the theming?

We rode Matugani which was a fun and whippy launch coaster (the launch was expectedly forceful) and fun fact – this was actually removed from our beloved Liseberg to make room for the dive coaster that’s there now so that was fun to get to ride a coaster from there! Henry and Chooch didn’t seem to care about that fun fact though.

The area surrounding the park made me uncomfy. I think that’s what I couldn’t put my finger on – the way it’s so out in the open made it feel less immersive. They need to build like a forest or some faux mountain range around the perimeter so you’re more boxed in and free from the outside world. THAT is what felt off to me. And also the fact that no matter where you stood, you could see across to all the different sections. I’d like to see them continue to develop the landscape portion of the park too so when you enter a new area, you really like you’re in a new place and you can’t see the other lands.

Henry said he just felt like he was out in the desert. I guess I can see that and if we were still in the HEATWAVE PORTION of the trip, I definitely would have FELT that too.

Honestly – the darkride was the sleeper hit of the whole trip though. It was unexpectedly good and I wish we had ridden it more than once, in hindsight. But we were getting HUNGEE and trying to zip through the place so we could go eat.

UGH right before we left (the park was actually closing in about 30 minutes I think), Chooch talked me into riding this and we got SOAKED. Usually these ones aren’t that bad but this one cooked us. I would love to see them add more theming to this one!! Also, again I didn’t like that this was on the perimeter of the park so we could see partially developed land and a small river thing that Chooch was like “what if we’re on this ride but then we end up in the river” and I couldn’t stop thinking about that and it was not something that I was OK with.

LOL my ugg face.

Chooch and I were about to ride whatever the Musik Express ride there is called when an announcement came on throughout the park alerting us that UmmiUmmi was closing in 15 minutes and Henry was like PEACE OUT and came the closest to a light jog than I’ve ever seen him do in effort to get there before his hopes of acquiring a soft pretzel were dashed.

(Oh LOL I just went to the Lost Island website to find the name of the Musik Express and just realized they don’t call them LANDS, you guys, THEY ARE REALMS.)

(P.S. It’s called Zulawa Wave and I distinctly remember that there was no music playing, lol.)

Chooch also rode this thing but I don’t these rides because they frustrate me. I can’t ever get them to flip!

I sent this to my mom and she was like IS HE THE ONLY ONE ON THAT RIDE??? and I was like, “Yes, we were in the middle of Iowa and only 20 other people are here it seems.”

I mean, it WAS a Thursday so maybe the weekends are more crowded I hope?

GUYS PLEASE GO TO LOST ISLAND SO IT CONTINUES TO GROW, OK???

Looking for somewhere to eat dinner, and probably also a hotel.

We left about 30 minutes before the park closed and it made me feel sad. I liked it there and wished we had more time. Oh wait – one thing to note is that their merch is not as cute/cool/quirky as you’d think! They only had one magnet and it does not represent the vibe of the park but I had no choice but to buy it. I was hoping to get a shirt too but they were all kind of ugly :(

Next up: DINNER IN WATERLOO. SEE YOU THERE.

After we left Adventureland, it started raining and I was frantically checking the weather because I did not want my birthday evening at the lakeside park to be ROONED by RAIN.

I legit have no idea why I took this picture.

Chooch finally took one for the team and got behind the wheel! For someone who loves taking our cars for joy rides at home, he is shockingly resistant to helping us drive on road trips. Little bitch.

*chews nails feverishly*

Once we got to a certain point in Iowa, it was all back roads and small towns. Chooch and I thought the WEASER PLEASER sounded gross. Could have been the most decadent meat-free grilled cheese for all I know, I was too repulsed to even look it up. Why don’t you find out and tell me in the comments. #commentstarved

We made it! And it wasn’t raining!!

I legit was not expecting this. I don’t know what I thought it was going to be, but it was actually a cute little park nestled next to LAKE OKOBOJI and the area was apparently a big vacation spot?? I even saw some broad wearing a shirt that said it was…wait for it…the Cancun of Iowa.

I mean….

I haven’t even been to Cancun but I don’t know about all that.

Remember how I was saying that parks should offer discounts if you get there and rides are down for the day? Well, THIS PLACE ACTUALLY DID THAT! Sadly, one of the rides was the wild mouse, meaning there was only one credit to be had here, but I was happy for the discount. These places are such rackets, honestly.

We came here for Legend and I am happy to tell you that this old ass coaster did not disappoint! I mean, it wasn’t the most amazing woodie, but it was smooth as butter and 100% re-rideable. And we definitely got a bunch of rides in!

The carousel was super tiny. Everyone was thrilled for this portion of the day. TWO CAROUSELFIES IN ONE DAY, OH THE HORROR. I AM SO MEAN!

Thanks for looking, Henry.

I was unhappy with all of these and made them ride it again later, LOLOLOL.

Honestly, the Legend was fun but this place would not have been worth it if that goddamn lake hadn’t been there. But apparently, this is where the upper-middle class Iowans vacation?! Like, it really had a snobby air to it. I remember thinking that this was going to be vibe last summer at Old Orchard Beach in Maine but it was very blue collar, actually. This place though. Like, calm down guys. You’re in Iowa.

It was also a nightmarescape for vegetarians, and oh vegans my heart really goes out to you because at least Chooch and I were able to eat pizza after finding legit NOTHING ELSE within walking distance along this lake resort hot spot. There was one restaurant that was right next to the park and a glance at the outside menu showed that they had pasta which sounded divine at that moment but then a man in a suit walked out and that’s when I realized that EVERY DINER INSIDE WAS D R E S S E D. Like even the “casual” attire was a fucking Lilly Pulitizer sundress on the broads and boat shoes on the mans. Chooch said, “So?” and I was like, “I AM NOT GOING IN THERE WE LOOK LIKE RAGAMUFFINS COMPARED TO THESE LAKE BITCHES.” Like they probably BOATED THERE.

Henry had us walk about 10 minutes down the lakeshore to a more commercial area full of restaurants and shops and this section did remind me of Old Orchard Beach a little bit. Henry tried to get to this restaurant called MULLETS or something by like, walking down a hillside and scaling a fence while Chooch and I kept saying, “OK you do that but we’re going inside this galleria thing because surely that is where the entrance is???” And it was too – you had to go down like two levels and there it was.

We were seated outside which is what I wanted, but some broad was singing acoustic versions of already acoustic adult pop hits and it was so loud, and then no one came to get our drink order even after 15 minutes, plus I don’t know WHAT version of the menu Henry was looking at but the only options for me and Chooch were french fries or pizza. I eventually threw in the towel because it was 7PM, I was hungry, and the park closed at 9PM. So, I voted that we just go back to the park, get pizza there, and then lap Legend some more times.

LOL – this was after THE SPILL #1 happened.

There’s a little crazy house thingie that was moderately fun to walk through but Scandinavia ruined us for fun houses. There were few opportunities to die in this one.

I saw other people taking pictures here so I had to do it too.

LOL the full cycle.

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We did mostly get along but there was one moment when we were still looking for somewhere to eat when he decided to be contentious and was growling about how he didn’t want pizza and I said, “WELL IOWA HATES PEOPLE WHO DON’T EAT MEAT, MY FRIEND, SO IT’S EITHER PIZZA OR A FUCKING PRETZEL” and he was still being a little brat so I started screaming about how he was ruining my birthday and then we made eye contact and started laughing. That’s just how our mother/son relationship is OK.

I truly adored this coaster.

This Nutty Bar joint seemed like the traditional OKOBOJI experience so we all got one. Mine was the OG, Henry got a peanut butter one, and who  knows about Chooch.

Real time discussion: I just zoomed in on this picture and cried, “WAIT I COULD HAVE GOTTEN A NUTTY BAR SHIRT? A COFFEE CUP? AN APRON????” I didn’t see any of this stuff at the time because OLD EYES.

“What would you do with an apron?” Henry scoffed as he’s standing at the dining room, doing his chores (folding laundry LOL). “You don’t even know what an apron is.”

OK WOW.

Anyway, a Nutty Bar is basically a Golden Nugget ice cream from Kennywood but on a stick instead of a cone. Just as frustratingly drippy and while it’s got Kennywood beat when it comes to atmosphere, Golden Nugget all day long!

I mean, it was charming there but I can 100% promise you I will never be back.

Look at the blue skies! The sun chased the rain away on my birthday! I was really feeling good. New favorite coaster, cute little park, Chooch was being semi-decent to me. The first half of my birthday was really nice.

Even Chooch was kind of being nice to me. OK maybe not NICE per se, but…not mean? Don’t worry, that would change later that night lol.

Monster! Isn’t it gorgina?

I wanted to get ice cream from here from Henry and Chooch kept walking while I was crying out, “Under CONEstruction, get it??”

It’s a very very very small park, smaller even than Kennywood. Yet somehow they still crammed in 7 coasters! (Well, that Underground one barely counts as a coaster, in my opinion, but whatever it was still fun!) The insane part though is that even little amusement parks are so expensive!! It for sure cost over $100 for all three of us. This trip was actually very costly lol oops.

C: I can’t wait for her fucking birthday to be over. This is so annoying. I miss my computer.

H: I can’t wait for this whole trip to be over. My back hurts and I ran out of my supply of individually-wrapped prunes.

This little family coaster was cute. It intertwines with a newish water ride which we did not ride.

THIS WAS CLOSED BECAUSE APPARENTLY CORN WASN’T IN SEASON??? Iowa, you have failed me. I still bought an Iowa Sweet Corn t-shirt though because it was on sale and this birthday bitch decided to treat herself.

Nothing too memorable about the ferris wheel but I did think this whole area was very nice and clean.

See also: the ferris wheel wasn’t memorable but she took 10 pictures of it.

Cutesy.

This park had vibrancy on POINT. The flowers, the paint. Just such a dopamine rush.

Then we rode the train! It was so-so. Very smol.

Gotta go all in at this point and take a picture from the vantage point of the train.

Not CONEstruction ice cream but we did stop by the ice cream on Main Street and got some Blue Bunny scoops. Mine was salted caramel and it was divine. Who cares what the non-birthday people got.

And then our day at Adventureland came to an end. We had more driving to do because I had my heart set on closing out the night at Arnolds Park in OKOBOJI, Iowa – I had never heard of this town before but turns out it was a whole thing. More later byeeee.

If you’ve been following along, you know that on the eve of my 46th birthday, Henry has the audacity to book us a room in a subpar “hotel,” and I KIND OF THREW A FIT after a truck driver sleazed past me by the elevators and grumbled, “Welcome to the shit hole” and then I caught a weird Child of Deliverance sighting while hearing ominous thumping from the floor above our room. Big nope. We ended up going down the street some (after I pulled the customary I JUST WANT TO GO HOME bit) and getting a really nice and quiet room in a reputable Home 2 by Hilton. (Henry is a goddamn Hilton Rewards member and never does anything with it!!)

All of this is to say that I woke up refreshed and actually not miserable that it was my birthday – it helped that some of my friends (Alyson and Jeannie!) texted me bright and early so that was a really nice thing to wake up to. And our complimentary breakfast was actually delicious. There were these flaky spinach and egg pastries that I wish I had eaten more of, honestly. It was a good start to the day, even though it was supposed to rain and we were scrambling to come up with backup plans.

In the end, we still went to Adventureland and just hoped for the best.

Fun fact: this is a sister park to our very own Kennywood. (Technically, Silver Dollar City and Dollywood are too but it feels weird to relate those two big’uns to Kennywood!) I kind of got K-Wood vibes, I guess. A medium-sized park. Some good rides, some forgettable ones. I really liked the ambiance here! I think that in general, Kennywood is the prettier, more unique park but Adventureland had its own charm! And it even has the world’s only underground wooden coaster (allegedly)! It’s called the Underground and I loved it because it was a dark ride but I will agree with Chooch that it was very anti-climactic. The whole time you’re anticipating a drop and then it just….never happens.

Since immediately started his bitching when I insisted on getting on the carousel right away. “SINCE WHEN DO WE DO THIS FIRST THING??” he cried like the bitch that he is. Since I wasn’t sure if we were going to get fucking rained out, OK Lil’ Bitchy?? Also: NO QUESTIONS ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

OMG, dreary sky aside, can I just say how wonderful it was to be ensconced in 70 degree weather??? I had forgotten what it felt like to not have a sheen of sweat on every inch of my skin, hair like cling-wrap against the back of my neck, tongue out like a panting dog.

I was even wearing a windbreaker!!!

LOL yikes, Cassie.

The first coaster we rode was just your typical family spinning wild mouse called Phoenix.

I got this from their website because I really wasn’t taking many pictures of the rides like I usually do – depression or am I growing out of this phase?? Who can be sure. But I will say that everything was practically a walk-on all day and the ride ops were all super nice, starting with the older lady with the undercut at Phoenix!

Their main attraction though is Monster which was similar to Untamed at Canobie, I feel like just bright green and you know, monster-themed! We were in the station and Chooch got mildly admonished by an older lady ride attendant who was giving oncoming riders instructions but he had his back to her and was talking to me. It made me laugh because all throughout school every single teacher had one complaint about him: he talks too much and is disruptive.

Apparently, this applies to roller coaster stations too, lol.

But then she was FAWNING over Henry because when she told him he’d need to take his glasses off, he wordlessly leaned forward and showed her that he had his DORK ALERT eyeglasses strap on and she literally cooed, “OH, THIS MAN IS A COASTER EXPERT! HE’S NOT NEW TO THIS!” or something and it made me want to vomit. God, sit on his lap, take a selfie, and move on with your life.

But yeah! Monster was great! Thoroughly enjoyed that. My only regret is that we weren’t going to be there at night to see the cool light package:

Their wooden coasters were…mid though. There were just two, and one was Tornado. Henry, still smarting from the Boss three days ago, was like, “Nope, I’m good.” So, I made him take our picture.

It’s here that I want to remember a really sweet interaction we had with some kids! We had just walked into the station because there was no line and a train had just returned, so we immediately started walking to the back row. However, there were 4 kids who had just gotten off that train and were going to re-ride since there was no one else in line but me and Chooch. They started to climb into the two rows and then saw us.

One of the older kids asked, “Oh, I’m sorry! Where did you guys want to sit?”

“I mean, we did kind of want the back row,” I admitted sadly because I’m a big baby and it was my birthday.

“OMG take it!” she said in the most friendly and mature manner I have ever witnessed from a kid?! Like, a pre-teen even?? “We literally JUST rode it so we don’t care where we sit!” And just like that, they moved further up and Chooch and I were like, “WHOA.” That never would have happened at, I dunno, Cedar Point example!

Our good samaritans, coaster edition, can be seen in that picture!

Turns out we probably should have just let them keep the back car because OOF. That was a rough ride and I did not enjoy even a second of it.

In order to get to this section, we had to walk by a very monotone employee barely trying to get people to play his games. I loved that guy.

This one was so bad too, lol. Another walk-on. More bruises for the collection. FOR SOME REASON WE STAYED ON FOR A SECOND RIDE?? We moved out of the backseat though – it didn’t help.

OK that coaster was trash too – sorry, Outlaw!!

But I gotta end Part 1 on a high note. Because for some reason, this next coaster I’m about to show was INEXPLICABLY my favorite coaster of the day and maybe even of the whole trip WTF is wrong with me? It’s not even the first time I have ridden one of these and I generally don’t care too much for them. (The ones in Sweden and Finland can fuck right off!!!)

But shoooo – this ride had great and friendly ride ops who continuously let Chooch and I just stay on if no one was waiting (there was never a line – there were times we’d have to get off to let other people on but we’d just get right back in the queue and by that time the next car would be ready). There are two sides – one is wild and one is mild – but the “mild” one seemed way more chaotic and unhinged to us. I probably sustained a bit of brain damage after riding both sides so many times.

Hold on, let me ask Chooch how many times we rode this.

He immediately said 8 with 100% assurance and then I remembered it’s because not only does he count his coaster credits, he has an app where he keeps track of how many times he rides everything.

Henry rode it once and said it gave him a headache, LOL. OK, gramps.

And then I made Henry share some Sam Adams summery beer with so we could get this collectors cup because I was majorly smitten with Adventureland by this point. Dragonslayer 4 LYFE!!!!!!!

More to come in part 2 (mostly pictures, I think).

T’was the day before my birthday (Tuesday the 29th) and we left Branson bright and early for Kansas City – the one in Missouri. Trust me, it was tempting to find an excuse to cross over into Kansas and knock another state off the list but we didn’t have time.

According to my vacation journal, it wasn’t all that bright and early – more like 8am, and I noted that I would not be missing the hideous TRUMP MERCHANDISE STORE that sprayed us with fascism every time we drove past. I wanted to scream TRUMP HATES YOU to some fat old white couple that were exiting at one point but I didn’t think fast enough to get the window down. Now I want to go back and just drive back and forth screaming EPSTEIN FILES until my throat bleeds.

Sorry not sorry, I know this isn’t vacation-related but please set yourself aflame and fuck off if you’re MAGA and reading this. You’re all cunts.

OK back to the road. To Chooch’s chagrin, Henry had that whole bag of peanut brittle to nosh on during the drive, and this set him off in a big way at one point when he witnessed Henry sticking his whole peanut brittled-hand into his mouth. Henry tried to play it off like Chooch was overreacting but I saw it too and it was giving Neanderthal so I told him he brings down the value of our family when he does shit like this. Bitch.

We crossed over this lake and I was like, “OMG SO MANY REFERENCES TO TRUMAN!” which I wouldn’t have noticed if our beloved Pappos server hadn’t been named Truman. We thought this was so coincidental until I was perusing Roadside America for tourist traps and noted that there were some Harry Truman historical sites on there so I cried, “Ohhhhh! It’s because HARRY S TRUMAN was FROM Missouri!”

Mystery solved. :(

DO YOU GUYS THINK THAT TRUMAN IS A DISTANT RELATIVE??

Worlds of Fun! I will tell you right now that this might have been the hottest day yet. It was high 90s and the “feels like” was around 112 or 114 I think Henry said?? Just the walk from the car to the entrance had me feeling drained.

Luckily the carousel was right at the entrance so I was like, “THIS. NOW. BEFORE WE GET TOO GROSS.”

Chooch was pouting immediately because it was his turn to take the #carouselfie, lol.

It was a carousel. Nothing memorable.

Immediately I was impressed with the theming. I love parks that get internationalicious.

I remember from here, we got in Patriot which is a B&M suspended coaster and it was very nice + a walk-on. The park had already been open for a good hour by the time we got there and it was not crowded at all. HOWEVER, what kind of threw a wrench in that was that, immediately after getting off Patriot, we found out that the wild mouse-y coaster was closed for the day AND MAMBA WAS DOWN. Literally, an empty train was chilling on the lift hill and it was honestly the greatest disappointment I experienced during the whole trip. IT WAS ON THE LIST I POSTED THE NIGHT BEFORE WE LEFT OF MY MOST ANTICIPATED RIDES, IF YOU REMEMBER! I still don’t even know what the issue was but it pissed me off so much.

From there, we walked to Zambezi Zinger, the newest coaster – I think it just opened last season? I stopped caring about coaster YouTube for a while there. It didn’t seem like the line was THAT long until you factored in that the ops were kind of slow (they WERE running 2 trains from what I remember, though). Plus, the boomerang next to it was ALSO DOWN so that was THREE CLOSED COASTERS – of course people were going to be flocking to this one!

We ended up standing in line for about 45 minutes I guess, with no shade, and I could feel the sweat dripping from my neck all the way down to my butt. I was wearing linen shorts AND NOT TO BE GROSS YOU GUYS BUY THEY LOOKED LIKE I PEED MYSELF. I was just sopping wet with sweat without even moving. It was so miserable.

The good thing is that there were no assholes in line. No line jumpers. In fact, we had no bad experiences with anyone in the park all day.

So, Zambezi Zinger! It has a pretty cool story. The OG Zambezi looked like this:

Steel with toboggan-style trains where you sit in line – similar to log flumes, but these are so awkward with coasters! Anyway, this coaster lives in a park in Colombia now (I tried to get Henry to want to go there last Christmas but he was being annoying about it), and the park decided to pay homage to it by recreating it in a sense as a wooden coaster, even giving it the same spiral lift hill.

It’s now encaged in this corrugated metal tunnel and I heard that the reasoning was so it can still operate in the rain. I guess when the new Zinger was unveiled, the lift hill was exposed and if the track got wet, the train couldn’t ascend. I didn’t experience it without the tunnel but thoosies HATE IT because it’s too loud now. I mean, it was whatever. I was just happy that it was running.

And we all really enjoyed it! Would I stand in a long line for it again while probably getting skin cancer on my scalp? Smrobably not but that was nice of you to ask.

On the train after eating at whatever the Mexican place is in the park. I had a veggie burrito bowl and it was actually quite satisfying; Chooch had a burrito and didn’t like it because the beans were refried and he was hoping they were black beans. Henry ended up eating our sloppy seconds haha.

To be honest, I was just happy to be sitting in A/C. When I think back to this day, my most vivid memory is just – drinking out of every water fountain we passed like a fucking stray dog.

But the train was nice! It took us all around and gave us some cool views of Prowler and Zambezi Zinger.

Oh, I do need to note that we made it there just as the train returned and all of the passengers had exited, but we couldn’t board yet because some fucking little kid was having his picture taken with the “conductor” who looked like Blake circa Warped Tour, and the other “train engineers” who again – just teenagers. It was so annoying because the pageant mom was like, “LET’S GET ANOTHER” and they were just snapping away like it was One Direction – I didn’t understand. Then when the family finally left, the little kid was screaming his head off, like, whatta brat! That fucking kid didn’t deserve those pictures WITH THE FAKE TRAIN PEOPLE.

Spoiler – the Boomerang did end up opening. It was actually testing while we were in line for Zambezi Zinger so we ended up riding it later. It was….a Boomerang. You always get the GP on these rides, and they act like they’ve never been on any amusement park ride before so you end up sitting there while the ride ops are repeatedly telling them things like, I don’t know, “You have to put on a shirt on.”

“Put the Epstein Files in that bin over there so they don’t blow away.”

You know, obvious disclaimers.

Yeah I just really thought the theming was a beaute.

We didn’t ride this – you guys, it was so hot, just the sight of most of the flat rides there made me feel like puking. I would have loved to though because Kennywood recently replaced their Enterprise with some new-fangled version and it just doesn’t hit like these old school ones.

This one is way prettier than Kennywood’s Enterprise was, though.

I think this was on the way to Prowler, which we couldn’t find at first.

Henry was like I WILL SIT THIS ONE OUT because there were so many bad woodies on this trip that he was ruined, lol. So he was making me and Chooch be the woodie guinea pigs.

Yo. Prowler SLAPPED. We got the back row. The father/son duo in front of us rode the whole time with their elbows on the side of the car and their fist under their chin, I guess it was their THANG you know, like their little coaster challenge. We ended up staying on because it was a station wait and no one was waiting for the back row, so Chooch decided he was going to ride the whole way doing the chin/fist thing too because, well, that’s Chooch for you.

(BTW the dad looked like Jack Griffith from AP Bio / whatever his character’s name is on Always Sunny, so we kept referring to him as AP Bio. You just would have had to have been there OK, don’t think too much into it.)

We did get Henry to ride it too and ended up going back later for more rides. The crew was SO FUN. Literally everyone working in this park had such a mid personality but this crew was like unhinged. The one time we went back, one of the girls said to Chooch, “Hey, he has a question for you—” and the boy crew member next to her was like, “No! Don’t listed to her” and they were going back and forth over this – Chooch was barely paying attention but I was ALL EARS!!! The mystery of the whole road trip.

WHAT WAS THE QUESTION????

Chooch *was* wearing a Drexel shirt so maybe it was about that??

(Literally all of his shirts that he packed, with the exception two Clairo shirts, were free participation shirts he got from school. He was a walking midwest advertisement for Drexel.)

Ew.

We made Chooch cart us around. I have nothing to say about these antique cars – they were fine.

Immediately afterward, Chooch and I made the ride operator have to get up, sigh heavily, pick up her measuring stick, and open the gate for us for these little swinging boats. SO SORRY.

Honestly, this park was NOT crowded. And the second time we went back to ride Zambezi, the line was only about 10 minutes long. The crowds had definitely dispersed.

We watched this weird parade and it made me uncomfortable.

Before heading out, we rode Patriot one more time. There was a real little girl in the row behind us who had never been on anything that extreme before and she was not having it. Her sisters kept saying, “Wooo!” and she was screaming, “Not woo!!”

I liked Patriot – I like most coasters like this – but what I didn’t like was that when it comes back to the brake run, the last two cars are suspended over air while the rest of the train is over top of a grated floor. Both times we were in the back and second to back so we just sat there with nothing but the ground beneath us, waiting for the train in the station to be sent so that we could pull in. I didn’t like that.

It was around 5PM when we decided to call it. It was SO HOT. And Mamba clearly was down for the day.

My thoughts: it was a pretty park but two coasters (+ another one that was on the website as being down all summer for planned maintenance so that wasn’t a surprise) being down was not a good look. That really disappointed me. I think that if you go to a park and not everything is operating, you should get a partial refund or comped somehow! As sad as I am about Mamba, we likely will not ever be back out to that park so that was my only chance of riding it.

But – perils of being a thoosie. Unpredictable weather and ride closures can really ruin a day! I wouldn’t say our day was RUINED though – Prowler was so fucking good. Like, shockingly good. I got a magnet and Chooch got a shirt – his only shirt of the whole trip because “nothing else stood out” to him. He’s very hard to impress.

And then we drove to Iowa!!

You can read about the rest of that night here. 

More to come! (Everyone at work hates it when management says that in meetings haha. I AM MANAGEMENT. Of Oh Honestly Erin.)

As per uje, I am getting way behind on these recaps. I didn’t realize how many pictures I had left so this will mostly be a photo-dump and final thoughts type of chumpie*, OK?

*(HOLY SHIT, almost as though I use that word every fucking day, this just popped in my head and my fingers typed it out so naturally but I have not used it nor heard it used since the 90s when I learned it from my friend Jameelah who I was also just talking about last week when I decided to regale Henry with the story of the first time I got high, which was at her house courtesy of her older brother and then I walked home through the woods after a snowfall and was so high that it felt like I was trudging through quicksand.)

Oh also! I forgot to mention in my first SDC post that when we were standing in line for Fire in the Hole, I was complaining about something and Chooch reached out like he was about to brush something off my face. I was thinking to myself, “OMG this is a moment to remember” because he and Henry would let me go ALL DAY with dirt/food/trash/the Epstein files on my face without saying a word because that’s the kind of amazing support I get from then. BUT THEN he goes, “Oh never mind, that’s just YOUR TEARS. BECAUSE ALL YOU DO IS CRY.”

WOW.

WOWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOWOWOW.

I just thought about this because he was in the kitchen bitching because the instructions on whatever frozen thing he was trying to make said “See our website for instructions” and then I said, “Wow cry about it” and then we started arguing about who cries more. Just a little PEEKSY into my life, you guys.

After emerging from the cave, it was definitely time to eat. This is when we realized that the park wasn’t actually all that crowded because there was NO ONE IN LINE for Miss Molly’s buffet.

Actually, we didn’t know it was a buffet so we were filling our plates up as much as possible.

This was the most food I have eaten in one sitting in a good long while and I am happy to tell you that this sufficed as lunch AND dinner, thank you very much.

Similar to Dollywood, SLD employs lots of old people so this place was staffed with a bunch of old women in bonnets and they were quite adorable. One of them was chatting with us while we were gluttonously spooning mounds of mayonnaise-central sides onto our plates – she did not seem to be judging and I’m sure she has seen much worse. She told us she’s from NY and uses her summer employment at SLD as a means to vacation. I like that they have these opportunities for a demographic that no one else wants to hire, so maybe this is something I should keep in my back pocket for when I’m Henry’s age.

Anyway, Henry’s main plate was just a disaster of various meats, I wanted to die just sitting next to it. Chooch was especially repulsed by the random stack of pepperoni on top of Henry’s salad plate. It was so excessive!!

So barbaric.

Chooch was all of us in that moment. Stuff & exhausted.

There were a few tables behind us that were full but other than that, this place was empty.

Similar to Dollywood, SDC has a lot of charming little shops strewn about and old guys in overalls doing wood carvings and stuff. It’s a very rustic and laid back vibe, the polar opposite of Six Flags. I also think  that this is the kind of park where people come not necessarily for the rides, but for the shows, of which we partook in zero. LOL.

Chooch made me cry because he kept hard-bouncing the bridge knowing that I would get freaked out :(

HENRY PICKING MEAT OUT OF HIS TEETH PROBABLY, UGH. GET BACK IN THE CAVE.

EW HE STILL HAS THE TOOTHPICK IN HIS MOUTH.

WTF WITH THIS TOOTHPICK???

OK Wildfire! I think this may have been my favorite coaster in the park – it was just a really slick B&M with amazing views. I was annoyed though because Chooch and I were the only ones in line for the back so he moved down in our row, leaving the two middle seats open, and then at the last second, an older couple came into our row and separated us which Chooch thought was so funny for some reason?? I didn’t really care that much but it would have been nice if we had been sitting next to each other when Henry took this picture!

Meanwhile, the wait for this one was very short – maybe 10 minutes (we rode it again later with Henry and it was a station wait) and we accidentally made friends with the family in front of us because they wee arguing and the dad made eye-contact with me and then tried to divert by asking Chooch if the “Dragon” on his shirt was his school’s mascot so Chooch said yeah and now another woman in their group had turned around to see and she was like, “OH OUR SCHOOL MASCOT IS ALSO A DRAGON” in a very heavy drawl and for some reason I was fascinated by her?! She was very pretty and seemed like a firecracker, like she must be the life of the family gatherings. Anyway, they were from Arkansas in case you were wondering. We saw just her by herself later and Chooch goes, “There’s our friend!” which always makes Henry feel left out because these things only happen to us when Henry is not around since his presence usually deters people from making small talk with us. MAYBE IT’S THE TOOTHPICK.

Anyway, this was an example of how it really was not crowded in the park at all and the wait times fluctuated a lot throughout the day, like people would go to some of the coasters in waves and jack the wait time up just for a small window, making it seem like it was very crowded.

Then we all got a refreshing ICEE! Well, Henry and I shared one because I didn’t want to get sick.

At some point late in the afternoon, Chooch and I decided it was time to ride Mystic Falls, the rapids ride. This one is scary though because at one point, your raft is taken up a huge lift and deposited at the top of a swirly water slide thing which then sends you down the last drop. When we were about to get in line, a staff member was at the entrance alerting guests to the fact that the ride was undergoing its daily maintenance – something about doing something to the water??? – and that the wait would be about 45 minutes. There were people still in line and she said that the 45 minutes included that wait time in addition to the maintenance so we shrugged and got in line. It ended up being a good bet because the ride reopened after about 20 minutes and then we got to skip a large portion of it when they were searching for two riders to fill out a raft that already had 6 people.

This part was weird because they let us skip the line by walking along the station platform so we actually got to enter the raft before the group of 6. I had already sat down in a seat at the end of one side while Chooch went to put our phones in the bin. When he came back, the other people had already started filling up the raft so he had no choice but to sit across from me. The man who sat next to me (effectively taking Chooch’s seat) asked if I wanted to move to the other side to sit with Chooch and I was like, “No, I’m fine” and didn’t think anything of it. Then one of the ride ops came over and said to our side of the raft specifically that we had too many people and I was like, “WTF then why did you let us skip the line to get on this raft??” but then I realized that he meant THERE WERE FIVE PEOPLE ON OUR SIDE when there were only 4 seats, and only 3 people on the opposite side. The adults on my side of the raft had two young boys sitting in between them ON ONE SEAT, like wtf were they thinking?? Why would they even get into the raft on my side when I was already seated and buckled and they had 4 people??

It was so embarrassing even though I wasn’t associated with them, because now I had to move across and sit on Chooch’s side while everyone in line was watching.

Oh wait! Speaking of the line. We saw the Korean family from the cave again! They looked so fucking tired.

We also saw a fat slob MAGA asshole in overalls and gulf of America shirt. Yup, sounds about right. Piece of shit.

Back to the ride, the adults across from us with the two kids (they were the grandparents, I think) did all of the talking and we just sat there and smiled. I’m not sure if the older couple on our side of the raft was with them or not. Rapid rides are so awkward because you almost inevitably have to ride with strangers and you’re all facing each other so it’s weird when you’re averse to small talk and SMILING AT STRANGERS.

At one point, the grandfather (who was actually sort of funny in a lame way) asked us if we had ridden this other boat ride there, one of those types of rides where you can shoot water at people or whatever. Chooch and I sort of glanced at each covertly because he kept saying he wanted to ride that and I said I didn’t want to because it was stupid so you know what that shit said to these strangers?

“No. I’m not allowed to ride that.”

I’M NOT ALLOWED TO RIDE THAT.

Everyone on the raft went quiet and it was so fucking awkward, like I’m some fucking Mommy Dearest who is still in control of my NINETEEN YEAR OLD SON. It was so uncomfortable that Chooch and I both let out unhinged giggles at the same time and then couldn’t stop. I was so afraid I was going to start doing the “IJBOL’ing in church” unstoppable laughter so that made it even worse. Luckily, our raft got rocked really hard at that moment so the big gush of water distracted everyone from whatever weird HOSTAGE SITUATION they thought was taking place between Chooch and me.

I seriously wanted to kill him, though!

Meanwhile, we got drenched head to toe but it was so fucking hot that we were completely dried off while STILL ON THE RIDE. Except for our shoes, which were trashed.

I don’t know if this section was just closed the last time we were there if we had completely missed it, but it was such a beautifully-themed area! And Chooch got his kiddie coaster cred.

If you go to Dollywood or SDC, it is IMPERATIVE that you get the cinnamon bread. IMPERATIVE. Part of the process, as my good friend Alyson would say.  I kept asking all day, “When are we getting cinnamon bread? Is it time for cinnamon bread yet?” Even after devoured our Fat American Buffet Lunch (and no, none of us went back for seconds, I forgot to add), I could have torn into one of these warm sugary loaves. They are one of those things that actually live up to the hype. I do prefer Dollywood’s though because the location is way more iconic and it has outdoor seating. This place was so small and crowded.

We ate about 1/2 of it and stopped before it turned bad for us, stomach-wise. Chooch was being miserable and “didn’t want any” and he ended up eating the rest from the backseat of the car the next day.

The ride he’s “not allowed” to ride.

OK OK OK, we rode Time Traveler again before we left and I’m so glad because we got the first car this time and it was a completely different experience. And I knew it would be too because there are so many different types of rides you can get on this since the cars are free-spinning. We did have to wait for about 20 minutes but it was worth it. And some guy a few people ahead of us was my brother Ryan’s doppelganger, even down to his voice. It was so crazy!

You had to be there.

And know my brother Ryan.

We didn’t wait for Henry as usual lol.

Anyway, I felt satisfied after this and it was still too grossly hot to care much about re-rides on anything else so we decided it was a good time to leave. I think it was around 6:30 by then and we had been at the park since nearly 9AM.

We had to stop at the candy store on the way out for some sweet treats for the road. I got a Lady Baltimore because I didn’t know what it was and it looked interesting. Welp, it tasted like sugary wax and after three days of sitting in the car Henry finally threw it out. It was just like….very dense white chocolate rolled with coconut but it had a…TASTE to it. Like “old person’s candy dish” taste. It left an unpleasant coating on my tongue too. I wish I could go back in  time and get a TIGER BUTTER instead – I didn’t even see that until now!

Luckily, Henry got the tried and true peanut brittle which lasted us days in the car much to Chooch’s chagrin. “HOW DO YOU STILL HAVE ANY OF THAT LEFT??” he screeched from the backseat at one point in our drive as Henry violently masticated a piece.

On the way out, we managed to get a picture at the front entrance sign which was MONOPOLIZED on the way in by a SDC photographer trying to make a dime off it. Henry white-knighted the park and said, “I mean, it IS their sign so they can monetize that if that want.”

OH OK Big Corp Hank.

I was hoping to just get a picture of either Chooch, me and Chooch, Henry and Chooch, whatever but then some family cut us off and asked if I could take their picture. So I did and then the dad was like, “I will take yours too” which was nice but I hate it when strangers take pictures of us because I feel even more awkward than usual! The exception was that time those young girls took pictures us on the Cheongyecheon on our first night in Seoul last year.

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Memories.

On the tram back to the parking lot. Counting how many more days they had of this, lol.

And by this I mean CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK.

P.S. I fully prefer Dollywood over Silver Dollar City in case you needed to know for the thesis paper you’re writing about my life.

A really cool fact about Silver Dollar City is that is built on a giant cave, and that cave was the OG tourist attraction back in the day. In fact, it drew in such large crowds that the owners eventually began to add food stands and other amusements around it to give people things to do while they waited for their turn to enter the cave. Over time, this morphed into what we now know as Silver Dollar City! And the cave – Marvel Cave – is included in the price of admission so you’d be remiss to not take the 60-ish minute tour. Especially when it’s 100 degrees out – the cave is the PERFECT reprieve. As I write this, it’s 90 degrees in Pittsburgh, the first floor of my house has no A/C, and I am ready to dive back into this bitchin’ rock hut.

Now! When we were there in 2019, Chooch did the tour but Henry of the Land of the Broken Backs was not able to join us because in order to even get into the waiting room area, you have to be able to duck down and walk through this little cut out in the wall used to show you how low you’ll have to bend in one of the passages. Basically, the disclaimer above it says, “If you can’t walk  through this, don’t even bother lining up for the tour.” Henry looked at it and walked away without trying, LOL.

But this time, he was able to do it!

Chooch and I thought he was behind us the whole time as we strode through the gift shop to the entrance to the cave waiting room. We ducked through the fake hole and got in line with the handful of other rockheads who were waiting for the 12:00 tour. That’s when we realized that our Idiot Patriarch wasn’t with us! Because of course he had to go to the bathroom and supposedly told us but you know how well we listen. I mean, I hope you know by now.

Eventually, he found us and just casually strode over to the entrace (we had a good laugh watching him crunch his back as he bent down to step through the fake hole. I gotta see if I can find a picture of this so you know…

Yeah see – ducking through that is the only way you can enter. A prelude to what’s to come down in the abyss.

Now picture Henry dragging his ass through that LOL.

Anyway, Chooch and I were so annoyed because people had gotten behind us while we were waiting for Henry and we were aggressively trying to prevent him from line-jumping. But he just moseyed on past the people at the end of the line and joined us while we were yelling, “NO CUTTING! STAY BACK THERE!” Marvel Cave isn’t a “ride” so this wasn’t even technically a line just a gathering of people waiting for the guide.

The first thing I noticed after I took off my LINE POLICE cap was that Henry’s shirt was all wet, “allegedly” from the “sink” in the “bathroom.” MMmmm. It wasn’t just a couple of specks of waterdrops, no fam, this was a big block of wetness at the bottom of his shirt, perilously close to his pants.

“You’re so embarrassing!” Chooch and I screeched in tandem. Someone should go on vacation with us and clock how many times we say that to Henry. It’s gotta be in the triple digits.

(I originally spelled that “tripel” and now I want a Belgian beer.)

The cap on these tours is 40 or 45 people. Our group ended up being 30ish because a bunch of people peaced out during the DOOM AND GLOOM safety video (it was in a parody sense but also like, “No, seriously, please do not proceed if walking while hunched over through several moderately treacherous passages, LEAVE NOW. Go eat a famous Silver Dollar City skillet and watch a banjo show.”) but the family who had A BABY/TODDLER THAT NEEDED TO BE CARRIED STAYED. I was like, “OK, but sucks to be you.”

One of the big disclaimers was that the main way out of the cave is by a little mountain tram thing which apparently is very fickle and prone to “not starting.” If that happened on our tour, we’d have to turn around and walk all the way back the way we came and then back up the 500 steps we walked down to get to the bowels of the cave. The reason why I just shurgged this off is because this is exactly what happened in 2019 when Chooch and I toured Marvel Cave except that we knew this going in – the last part of the cave had flooded, I think is what the reasoning was at that time, so we were told up front that we’d have to loop back around and walk up the 500 steps to exit. So if it happened again this time, oh well.

BUT I REALLY WANTED TO RIDE THAT TRAIN FINALLY!!!

Nothing super incredible happened on this tour but I have to say that we stayed in the back of the group with a Korean family (the dad was in charge of shutting the door after we all made our way down the steps into the mouth of the cave) and a very old man who was so inspiring. He kept up with us all while taking pictures with a disposable camera. I was amazed by this man.

Just like in 2019, there was a professional photo op once we made it down the 500 steps. I went along with it but figured we wouldn’t purchase it at the end because I have been feeling Big Ug lately.

Again, not too much to report. I remembered some of the stories from last time. The history of this place is very cool. I felt like I was home again every time I’d hear the Korean family talk amongst themselves. I know, I know. It’s so cringey. But I have been talking about this in therapy, how I feel homesick for a place that isn’t even my home, and my therapist said, ‘That is actually so beautiful – maybe you were born there in a past life” and I said, “THAT IS WHAT I THINK TOO AND EVERYONE MAKES FUN OF ME!” and she said, “Well, you can tell everyone that your therapist thinks so too” SO THERE.

MY THERAPIST SAID.

(“Erin’s therapist is an enabler.” “Is ‘therapist’ Erin’s other personality?” “There goes Erin talking to herself again.”)

I guess what I’m trying to say is that here in the States, I will latch on to the tiniest sliver of it when it’s around me.

Don’t worry, I hate me too.

Guess what you guys?? This is a picture of us ON THE TRAIN THINGIE!!! We made it!

This is what the TRAIN THINGIE looks like from the gift shop window.

Anyway, all of the pictures were on display in souvenir envelopes. I figured, “Oh, I’ll just glance at ours and say no thanks” but then I was like, “Oh! I don’t look TOO bad, let’s buy it.” I thrust it into Henry’s chest and told him to go pay. He was acting like he didn’t want to buy the photo and I was like WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM.

“You can see the water on my shirt,” he mumbled. Chooch and I looked at the picture again and lost it. THIS MADE IT EVEN BETTER!

“How did you not notice it? It was the first thing I saw,” Henry sighed.

“Because I only look at myself, I don’t care what you two look like!” I wheezed, literally needing to pee so badly at this point. Why was this funny???

Oh god, I need to frame this and hang it near our GHOST BOAT photo from Wisconsin, lol.

Back in 2019, we went to Silver Dollar City during Thanksgiving break for their holiday festival thing. We had a nice time BUT!!! Henry had hurt his back the morning we were supposed to start the drive there and was unable to ride anything except for the carousel and a dark ride. And also, the temps were below average almost NONE of the coasters were running that day. The mine train, Outlaw Run (their RMC), and Fire In the Hole (indoor ride that counts as a coaster cred) were the only ones Chooch and I were able to ride that day and it was so painful to be that close to Time Traveler without getting on it, let me tell you.

I made sure to blast JACKIE BLUE on the drive there. I think it was about a 15 minute drive from our hotel in the big tourist trap area of Branson. The park opens real early – I think around 8:30am. They have the sections with all the rides roped off, but there’s a big courtyard-y area with shops and bakeries where you can get some morning sweet treats or a sit-down breakfast buffet.

OR GO TO CHURCH:

Chooch and I got trapped inside here because as we were trying to leave, a family came in and the mom was standing outside of the doorway taking pictures of them so Chooch and I had to dive to the side to avoid living in some strangers’ family picture for eternity. I got stuck in a pew next to a young girl who said, “It smells weird in here.”

“Kind of like pee,” I said, and she scrunched up her nose and agreed.

Chooch thought she had said it smells GOOD in there and was appalled that I countered with my pee comparison. It was funny at the time BUT I GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE.

Henry did not join us for this churchy pit stop.

But here he is afterward being embarrassing.

We had about 15 minutes before rope drop so we chose the artery that leads to Time Traveler and proceeded to stand amongst the other early birds in the ALREADY SWELTERING SUNLIGHT. Not even 9:30am yet and it was just going to get hotter. This time at least I wore a black shirt so my sweat couldn’t be seen. Ugh.

I forgot that SDC is one of those stupid ass patriotic parks where men have to remove their hats while we all have to endure the NATIONAL ANTHEM. This is excruciating ESPECIALLY in the current times, being a country led by a pedophile and Nazis. I stood with my arms crossed, scowling, as a bunch of asshole behind me sang along in reverence and then one big asshole hollered, “AMERICA!!!!!” at the end. Fuck off.

I will say that this definitely set the tone for me, at least for the first 1/3 of the day.

But! We finally got to ride Time Traveler! It wasn’t that long of a wait – maybe about 15 minutes once the ride actually opened, 20 minutes total. They assign seats here and we all got the second car.

Not to be a bitch, but the whole time I was expecting to be blown away and I just…wasn’t? Am I spoiled now? Am I losing interest in coasters?? I don’t know. But this coaster is supposed to be elite and I was just like, “OK?”

Then we walked over to Wildfire, but it was down, lol.

Wish we actually were from Canada, honestly.

Powder Keg!! I REALY enjoyed this one. What I did not enjoy was that the Fast Lane (I can’t remember what they call it there) definitely had priority. Chooch and I were waiting for the front row and lost two chances to go because of Fast Lane and I was livid when I saw that some of the Fast Lane people got right back in the Fast Lane line and got to ride it again before us! The bitch who took the front row had a beet red sweaty face so Chooch and I kept saying, “There she is, red face!” every time we saw her throughout the day. I hated her.

Fast passes are the worst creation ever. Do it like they do in Europe or don’t do it at all.

The park wasn’t even THAT crowded but Fast Lane made it feel like it was. At least for this coaster.

We probably only ended up waiting for 30 minutes and I guess it was worth it? I did enjoy it but the line was REALLY long by the time we got off so that was a one and done for us. It had a nice launch though.

I was very excited to get on Outlaw Run again! Especially since this would be Henry’s first time (sad that I can’t brag about having one extra RMC credit now compared to him – ugh). Now look, I watch lots of coaster content on YouTube because I am big fat loser so I was aware that there have been big complaints about how Outlaw Run runs now. I heard it’s gotten very rough, there’s a pothole at the bottom of the first drop, etc.

Even still, I was not prepared for this trainwreck it’s become. HOW is this the same coaster that Chooch and I straight-up marathoned in 2019??? Back then, it was a walk-on every time and we were shocked about that – an RMC with no lines?! Unheard of. On this day, it was also a walk-on (except that we wanted the backrow and it was on one-train ops so we did have to wait) on a fairy crowded day in July. But after that first drop, I could understand why. There is no way the general public like this coaster. When it’s too rough even for a thoosie? It was actually heartbreaking how bad this coaster has become and I was sad that this was the version of it that Henry had to experience. We all hated it. It wasn’t even worth riding in another row for science.

PLEASE, Silver Dollar City, ask RMC to come back and fix it! They should have been working on that instead of refurbing Fire in the Hole!

Which, speaking of, we rode next. The line was long because I think it was actually broken down when we got there because the line just wasn’t moving at all. Meanwhile, there was a mom and her young daughter in front of us, and then an old man in front of them. He turned around and started talking to the mom and the girl (mostly the girl and it was fucking creepy – he had pervy Farmer Jed vibes). THEN he did the dread “OVER HERE YALL!” wave, summoning his wife and young girl who he introduced as HIS DAUGHTER MARY and I fucking swear to god she was like 10 and this man was in his 70s. Henry didn’t hear this part but when I told him later, he kept insisting that she was probably his granddaughter BUT I AM TELLING YOU, HE SAID DAUGHTER.

Then!!! He kept shouting, “BILL! BILL! WE’RE OVER HERE!” and I was like, “AW FUCK NO” when I saw that Bill had numerous other people with him. Bill was standing near the entrance to the ride and yelled back that they were still waiting on someone in the bathroom. Bill kept saying, “We’ll just ride it separately” but Farmer Jed was like, “NO YOU WILL CUT PAST EVERYONE IN LINE AND RIDE WITH US FOR GODS SAKE.”

I was like peeling my skin off at this point because LINEJUMPING IS CAUSE FOR REMOVAL FROM THE PARK YOU FUCKING MOUNTAIN DWELLER. GO HOME AND DRINK YOUR MOONSHINE WHILE SHINING YOUR HUBCAP COLLECTION WITH YOUR SNOTTY RAG! And take your weird ass daughter Mary in her church dress with you! I felt like she had a tag on her somewhere that said Product of Incest.

I kept saying, “This is bullshit, let’s just get out of line, I don’t want to deal with this” but Henry and Chooch were too busy being poisoned by the sun to care.

Then the line started moving at a pretty consistent pace which definitely led me to believe that the ride must have been down that whole time (good ol’ RMC). The switchback eventually brought us back around to the entrance before the line wound its way inside the building (Fire in the Hole is a dark ride) so now we were directly across from where Bill and his clan had been waiting for the pissing member of their gang. Perfect timing – they were all now accounted for and JUST started to get into line when Farmer Jed was like, “JUST COME UNDER THE BAR HERE!!!” meaning they would have skipped out on the whole outdoor section of the line, cutting at least 50 people. There was a lot of hem and hawing on Bill’s part, and I made STRONG EYE CONTACT with who I can ony imagine was Bill’s wife and slowly shook my head no in the most threatening way I could muster without also having a switchblade to flick open and close.

Bill said, “Naw, we ain’t gon’ do that” and then he and his family proceeded to GET INTO THE BACK OF THE LINE!!!!! So Farmer Jed’s old hag said, “LET’S JUST GO WITH THEM THEN” and ducked under the bar and left with Farmer Jed and Mary from the Hills Have Eyes in tow!

I WAS ELATED!!!! Chooch said, “See?? And you wanted to leave. But it all worked out.” He said it in the most inyerface way imaginable though so my smug joy was shortlived.

Anyway, we rode it. It was fine. We got stuck just outside of the station though because someone on the train before ours had puked AND IT TURNS OUT IT WAS THE LITTLE GIRL THAT FARMER JED WAS TRYING TO GROOM IN FRONT OF US!

And on that note, I will end PART ONE. But just know that I really fucking hate linejumpers so much. Especially in this new age we live in where no one wants to confront anyone for fear of becoming a viral video or getting stabbed.

My travel journal tells me that after leaving Six Flags that Sunday afternoon, we had our first experience at a coffee chain called SCOOTERS where our drinks were screwed up and Henry had to jump through verbal hoops trying to explain the mishap to the guy at window who kept saying, “Yes” when Henry read back our orders and Henry was like, “No what I’m saying is that these are not that” and it was very awkward but finally he had us pull over and then another guy brought us the correct drinks which were actually very good so no hate to SCOOTERS. Also I like how they tell you to “SCOOT ON AROUND” after you place the order. It’s the little things you guys.

My travel journal also tells me that sometime after this, Chooch yelled to Henry from the backseat, “I’m actually curious how you’re always chewing something. We haven’t even stopped anywhere in a while so what could you possibly be eating?!”

Answer: a hard licorice candy.

Then we stopped at Uranus Fudge which has expanded into much more of a tourist trap since we were last there. Now they have all kinds of photo ops set up, an ice cream shop, a sideshow museum…I certainly don’t remember any of this from 2019, just that the fudge store had TRUMP candy and I was repulsed. As one should be. The only way I would ever buy Trump-themed candy is if he one day chokes on a butterscotch and dies – I’d happily buy a commemorative bag of those sweet saviors.

The lady at the sideshow shop won us over with her charlatan act and we ended up paying $18 (total not each!) to enter the museum which was mostly just a bunch of jars of animals floating in formaldehyde. :(

Left the fudge store unimpressed. I did buy a postcard there for Alyson though because who better to send a postcard to from Uranus?? I have to note that I came prepared this time with a sheet of postcard stamps.

#dorkalert

Couldn’t leave without partaking in this photo op.

We made it to Branson sometime around 6:00 I would say, checked into our hotel (Grandview) which was the same one we stayed at in 2019. It was a decent enough hotel. Very quiet and that’s all I really care about to be honest. I mean, I want it to be clean too! But silence is key.

For being a Sunday in a tourist town, most of the restaurants closed around 7pm so our options were pretty much pizza or GTFO. We found a place called PAPPO’S in downtown Branson and it ended up being such a vibe. This was basically the start of a week of referencing our waiter – TRUMAN. I keep wanting to call him Landon for some reason. He was Blake-ish in that he talked like he was sleepy/high, and he was wearing some great jewelry. Every time he came to our table, I would just stare at his hands because of his accessories.

Truman was very patient while Henry and I hemmed and hawed over our flight choices and had to keep going to the bar to get answers to our questions – they had a QR code that brought up their beer list but it was just the names of the beers and not the types???

My favorite was Monk’s Communion – as soon as Truman reported that it was a Belgian I yelled, “my favorite!” And he said in a very surfer manner, “Let’s do it!” But disclaimer, he said that after EVERYTHING. Chooch jokingly replayed one of the scenes the next day: “Can we have more napkins?”

“Let’s do it!” And then he never brought the napkins.

We were flipping out because after this we kept seeing so many references to Truman. Street names, shopping plaza names, a LAKE. Then I realized, “Oh it’s because Harry S Truman was from Missouri.” LOL. I wonder if Truman’s parents were presidential history buffs??!! Is he distantly related to Harry Truman??? I should have asked this when I left a Google review of PAPPO’S and specifically called out Truman for amplifying our experience to god tier lol. Someone from PAPPO’S replied and said “good job Truman!” MAYBE IT WAS TRUMAN.

Got a stain immediately.

Two downsides: the veggie sandwich I was eyeing couldn’t be done because they didn’t have eggplant anymore. UGH. So I got a regular veggie sandwich. It was ok but a lot smaller than I anticipated which sucked because I had already promised half of it to Chooch in exchange for some of his white pizza which came with chicken and Truman was like “Uhhhh….” but it was Chooch’s fault for not reading the menu!

Food mishaps aside, the pizza was actually good (once the chicken was picked off) – I loved the crust, my sandwich was good – I loved the bread, the beer was REALLY good – I liked all of my picks, and the vibe was on point – mostly because I was obsessed with Truman lol.

I forgot his name the next day though briefly and accidentally called him Sherman, which made me ask Chooch if he remembered our server Sherman from the first time we went to Dollywood and he got really annoyed.

“How could I forget? You bring him up literally every time we visit Bill.”

Lol. True. Sherman really impacted our lives.

After dinner, we walked along this – lake? It was right next to the shopping center where PAPPO’S resides. It was a nice little walk but chooch was pissed because there was a geocache he couldn’t access because some creepy guy was “fishing” where he needed to go.

Since Henry and I had each had a flight of beer, Chooch was our DD. This was one of my favorite moments of the whole trip – Chooch taking us on a frantic joy ride thought Branson at night. Henry was fuming from the backseat while I was flat out cackling in the passenger seat. Chooch is so scary.

I made him take us to Hurts Donut, a small Missouri chain that I had known about from my days of following A Beautiful Mess because I believe it started in their hometown of Springfield.

We took them back to the hotel and sampled some before leaving again. I believe we got:

– glazed old fashioned with chocolate drizzle?

– coconut with coconut cream in the middle

– Tang!!

– a cake donuts with sprinkles and a frosted animal cookie, this was my favorite. It tasted like childhood.

– churro, second fave

– chocolate covered cherry. This was chooch’s and I didn’t try it.

Then we walked up the street to one of the many amusement parks so Chooch could get a +1 on an SBF Visa Spinner (thoosie lingo, nbd). I think I already mentioned this but there was a really pretty hotel at the top of the street called Hotel Victorian and Chooch, who hated our hotel just because the gym sucked, said, “Just a reminder that if we stayed at the Victorian, we wouldn’t have had to walk up this hill.” This was probably the 5th time that Chooch had thrown Henry’s poor hotel picking skills in his face and we had only been in Branson for about 4 hours at that point. Henry was ready to slug him lol. Ok fine I was also contributing to the Victorian narrative lol. I was obsessed with the huge chandelier in the lobby that you could see from the road. The only thing our lobby had was a Dolly’s Stampede ticket counter and a bland front desk clerk who sat there with headphones on all night.

$13 for this stupid credit. They at least sent it around about 15 times though. That’s 14 times too many in opinion.

Then we went back to the not-Victorian, watched some Game Show Network (I liked it better when it showed all old shows, not all of these modern day remakes!!!) and went to bed. We had a LONG day ahead of us, lol ugh.

After being Lookie Lous at the St. Louis Arch last Sunday morning, we continued on to Six Flags in Eureka, Missouri. I think it was about 30 minutes outside of St. Louis, and my first impression was that it seemed kind of beautiful from the road, for being a Six Flags park. It’s nestled right at the base of a fluffy green hill/mountain:

(I snagged this shot from Photos at Six Flags St. Louis | Parkz – Theme Parks, no clue who to credit but it’s not my picture.)

We kept our expectations ultra-low with this park. Six Flags in general is meh – when thoosies say “We had a Six Flags day,” it’s not generally a good thing. Most of the locations lack soul, just tons of ugly asphalt, no heart, massive and unruly lines, employees putting in minimal effort. The DC Comics IP gets really old. Some have outstanding coasters though. This one….well, lol.

My second impression was that the entrance was beautiful! Minus the guy who saddled up as soon as I took this picture, lol.

Before I get into the rides, I want to say that yes, it was unbearably hot on this day too. Like, I was sweating through my shirt an embarrassing amount before we even rode the first ride. However, this did seem to keep the crowds at bay so literally everything we rode was either a complete walk-on or a station wait. We actually spent more time walking through through the empty queues to the station than actually waiting to get on any coaster in the park that day. That being said, this played a HUGE ROLE in my overall thoughts of the day. Because in the end, this day was so memorable to me in the best way and it could have been completely opposite if we were there on a mild-weathered day with huge crowds. Give me the humidity over long lines any day!!

We started off with American Thunder – a woodie that again, I had low expectations for. We got right into the back row while Henry took the front seat and thought he was so cool for that too.

YO this was surprisingly good! Not too rough at all. I saw someone call it “glass smooth” and I would certainly not take it that far but it was definitely enjoyable and I would also say re-rideable too. Jumping ahead here, but we should have just re-ridden it immediately because all of the other coasters in the park got progressively worse and by the end, no one was physically stoked to ride ANYTHING twice, lol!

On the exit path, some girl in bright pink shorts was apparently desperate to get past me but I didn’t notice her until Chooch physically moved me over. She ran past me so fast that I barely registered her. In every park, there is always that one person/group that pops up over and over again and this time, it was Pink Shorts. We saw her cutting the line for the next ride….

I was most excited for Mr Freeze!! It’s kind of iconic because it has a backward launch! There is a Six Flags in Texas that also has one, but they switched it so that the launch is now forward and there have been rumors of this happening to this one too. So, I felt a certain type of urgency to get on this before that happens.

Here’s a POV:

I LOVED this but shoooooo, this took it out of me, pals.

“Did you hear me screaming??” I asked Henry as we exited.

“That’s a stupid question,” he muttered.

I was sopping with sweat at this point, and cold sweat to boot thanks to the fear that Mr Freeze instilled in me. Launches always get me!!

Chooch and I rode a wild mouse-type coaster after this but Henry was like “I’M GOOD” and sat on a bench. He didn’t even take a picture of us though!?

I had no opinion on that coaster – it was hot. It spun. It dropped us back off in the station. I peeled my moist thighs off the seat. The end.

I wanted to take our #carouselfie immediately after this before my hair got too wet (at one point it looked like I had come from the water park, you guys. It was really that bad) but Chooch got side-tracked by Bugs Bunny and then we missed the carousel line cut-off and had to wait for an entire rotation which is actually kind of annoying – who the fuck has time to wait in line for the carousel?? Had to get the shot though.

That sheer kimono thing came in clutch to hide all of my absolutely savage sweat stains.

Interestingly, the carousel was playing some bizarre fight sequence, assuming it was to make us feel like we were in some type of battle? It was jarring! The revolution before ours had regular calliope music playing!

In his dreams, he’s The Boss.

Well guys, this was A W F U L lol. Like, so bad that it was actually a HIGHLIGHT for me because of how fucking hilarious it was. I mean, ALL of us were OOFing and UGHing our way through this nightmarescape and it was a long ass ride too. Now we knew going into this that it was going to be bad – it’s infamous for being rough and shitty. The majority of thoosies have strong opinions on how much they hate it, but there are a small handful of The Boss Apologists out there. I honestly thought that while it was rough, chaotic, potentially hazardous even??, it was also memorable for being these things. It was an EXPERIENCE. Like getting a bad tattoo.

We have ridden less rough coasters that we hated and will never ride again but also have no lasting memory of. This actually felt bonding, like a simulated car crash that we experienced together as a family and survived and can now laugh about it. Does this make sense?? Did The Boss knock some of the remaining sense out of me?? All I can tell you is that while I had immediate bruises forming on my person, I was also laughing so hard that my ribs were hurting (OK, the jackhammering contributed to some of that pain). Honestly though, even Chooch was wheezing. This ride was SO BAD that it was good?? But would I ever ride it again? OK, definitely not that same day but I think I probably would if we ever went back.

Yeah, I said it. Does that make me a Boss Apologist too? Maybe. I’m OK with that.

FUCK why didn’t I buy a Boss shirt?!

(I just said this out loud while Chooch is in the kitchen and he said, “Wow, why are you so obsessed with the Boss?” I mean….)

Apparently, there used to be a helix near the end that was removed – I would have loved to have experienced that!

After that, Chooch and I rode some kids’ coaster which was the only time we had to wait in line. (There was a guy behind me wearing pants and a coat and that is the only thing I remember about this – being so repulsed at his outerwear choices on this sweltering day). That coaster was fine, bland and not memorable though. Then Chooch got to spin some wheel for children, landed on Osage and won a small plastic neon pink horse. We were like “Osage, whatever that means” and then it came up numerous times throughout our Missouri portion of the trip and now we know that Osage is a Native American tribe – knowledge! SEE?? ROAD TRIPS ARE EDUCATIONAL. It helps when you’re stupid and have lots to learn anyway.

I admitted that I didn’t think this Boomerang was the worst one I’ve ridden and Chooch was appalled by this. “REALLY? Because I was thinking it was definitely the worst one I’ve ridden.”

(Also I need to quit using this particular Hipstamatic filter on pictures that feature people because it makes us look like we have skin diseases.)

We still had THREE MORE shitty coasters left:

• another wooden one (Screamin’ Eagle) which was the last one Henry did for the day because that one was also terrible and from here on out, he sent Chooch and me to ride the wooden ones first so we could report back. He just told me last night that he pretty much had a headache for days after riding the Boss lol.
• a fucking Vekoma SLC called Ninja that had a pretty cool entrance – I was going to take a picture of it afterward but the headbanging knocked that thought of my head so I forgot all about it. Here’s someone else’s picture because I also just realized that the Boomerang was the last picture I took anyway lol:

(THIS IS NOT WORTH THE WAIT, NOT EVEN A LITTLE – luckily it was a walk-on for us)

• And last but not least, of course this location has a Batman clone. No notes on that.

All in all, it took us about three hours to get park completion (just the coasters). The longest we waited for anything was the kids coaster – about 10 minutes. I didn’t HATE this park. In fact, I thought it had some charm and in a really masochistic twist, I would actually kind of like to get a night ride on the Boss someday!? Am I crazy? Maybe in the fall so I can wear a padded coat.

Anyway, we opted to cut out of here early and start our drive to Branson so that we could be refreshed for a day at Silver Dollar City on Monday!

Our first amusement park of this summer’s chaotic coaster road trip was Beech Bend in Bowling Green, Kentucky. This is a very small park that probably isn’t on the radar of the general population unless they live in the area, but coaster enthusiasts (those cray-cray thoosies) will go out of their way for it because of the wooden coaster – Kentucky Rumbler.

There are two other small coasters here, and a dark ride, among a collection of your standard carnival-type rides like a Music Express and a Scat 2. We knew this wasn’t going to be a full day park by any means so we were content with rolling up around 3:30PM last Saturday, after driving since 8AM from Pittsburgh ugh, and paying the “evening rate.” PLUS HENRY GOT THE SENIOR DISCOUNT LOLOLOLOLOL. Chooch and I were calling him Our Senior after that. :)

My first impression was – yay, free parking! The parking lot was a large grassy expanse and so much better than your typical asphalt slab.

Second impression was that it reminded me of a much less run-down Camden Park in West Virginia. You got that same rural vibe and glorified carnival-type rides, but they were much better maintained and the park itself had lot of beautiful landscaping and flowers. Also had Waldameer vibes, a little.

Kentucky Rumbler was the entire reason this has been a bucket list park for quite some time. It’s always a crap shoot when it comes to woodies, but I had heard such glowing reviews for this one so I got in line with confidence. My first impression was that the ride had two ride ops who seemed to genuinely want to be there – they were friendly and chatty with the riders!

Also, it was a station wait!

Second impression was that this coaster WAS AWESOME. It surpassed my expectations! All I was hoping for was something that wouldn’t jackhammer me, and this was as smooth as a violent woodie can possibly be, IYKYK. Our first ride was backseat and we were SCREAMING! I kept calling the first drop “the swirl” though, and I am certain that this was bigly getting on Chooch’s last nerve. I was very giddy – imagine being in the car all day and then let loose to ride a wild, bucking bronco of a wooden coaster. Shoooo.

Totally re-rideable too, even for Henry! What a gem tucked away in rural Kentucky, honest to god. And honestly, this set the bar high for the rest of our trip. I was expecting the FIRST COASTER of a weeklong road trip to be this exceptional, but here we are, a week later and I’m still thinking about it longingly and running my fingertips over the Kentucky Rumbler magnet that now adorns my fridge.

We would come back to this side of the park later to get some more rides on it, but first we had to acquire the other two coaster creds in the park…

…and terrorize Chooch with selfie requests.

Not pictured, but this was in line for the SBF Visa Spinning coaster which are a dime a dozen these days, especially at the really small parks like this one, indoor family fun centers, boardwalks, etc. Nothing to write home about.

Oh shit, now that I’m looking at this picture, Chooch and I rode the Starship 4000 later that day and it was my first time riding one of these in A MINUTE. I sincerely think the last time was probably the Butler County Fair?? In fact, I can’t remember ever riding one of these with Chooch, so that was exciting! Until it started whirring and I quickly remembered just how uncomfortable these are, especially considering it was about 10 degrees hotter inside that space prison as it was outside, and I can’t remember it physically hurting my sternum?? Like, I honestly thought something was going to crack inside of me and I was psychically pleading for the fucking cycle to end.

The carousel was right across from the spinning coaster though and I was like, “PUHLEASE can we take the carousel now because I get any sweatier???” I quit using deodorant with aluminum in it because I’m so afraid of cancer here there and everywhere, so I was fucking sweating like a lumberjack through my shirt. It was pathetic. But good god, it was like standing on a frying pan set on the sun that day and would not get any better until halfway into the week.

Anyway, they’re smiling because this was only the first carouselfie of the trip and neither of them had to take the picture. This doesn’t last long LOL.

OK I was already stoked that this place has a dark ride, but this one blew me away!! It was old-school, which I love, BUT it had a lot of extra auditory effects which heightened the experience by a lot and seriously creeped me out in the best way. And not only was the ride experience totally memorable but the ride op – LYNDA LOVE – was so adorable and personable! There was a family that got in line straight from the water park, and the women were unfortunately only wearing coverups over their bathing suits so Lynda had to turn them away because pants are required on all the rides there. There was a bit of a language barrier and Lynda turned to us and said forlornly, “I wish I would speak their language.” We asked Chooch if they were speaking Spanish and, not once looking up from his phone, shrugged and said, “I don’t know, probably.” And Henry said, “Well, couldn’t you tell them what she said?”

“I mean, yeah probably. But I think they got the gyst,” he said in his patented “can’t be bothered” tone. Thanks, Chooch! Always so willing to go the extra mile.

Anyway, I screamed a lot in the haunted house, in case you were wondering. Also, it was air-conditioned in there and felt amazing. Lynda’s parting words to every car was, “Enjoy the a/c!” This was after giving everyone instructions on what to do if the ride breaks down so I guess that happens frequently.

Normally I would have been ALL ABOARD for Scat2 but it was so hot and humid that even now as I think back to this, I want to vomit. Hard pass, Scat2.

The Wild Mouse was the last credit we needed. In line, I instructed Henry and Chooch that we had to sit all three together, no spaces in between any of us, to ensure maximum spinning. I legit said this so many times that I was getting on my own nerves.

There was a single ride ahead of us and I was NO GODDAMIT because I thought for sure the ride op was going to send us all in the same car, but he sent the single ride by himself! Then he came over to me, squinted at my shirt, and yelled, “PIERCE THE VEIL?! WHAT’S THAT, SOME KIND OF ROCK BAND??” I said yes and Chooch was irritated. “I wouldn’t call them ROCK,” he music snobbed as we slid into the car.

Yeah, I know, but the dude was like 70, letting him believe they’re a rock band isn’t hurting anyone!

MEANWHILE!!! Henry the Dissenter didn’t slide all the way in and was about to leave an empty seat between him and Chooch!! Right as the ride op was about to lower the bar, I screamed, “NO!” and made Henry slide over a seat, which made him grumble. The WHOLE WAY up the lift hill, I berated him for not listening to me re: seat assignments.

“I was listening! I just forgot!”

“FROM 2 MINUTES AGO???” I screamed around Chooch, who was willing himself to astral project back to Philly.

Yo, thank god Henry had enough time to swap seats because that was an INSANE Wild Mouse lap. I mean, we were spinning extra on the course but when we got to the brake run, we sat there for a good minute spinning like the Spaceship 4000 – I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t catch my breath and was near tears.

When the ride op finally brought us back to the station, he was laughing too. “THAT’S why she wanted you to move seats!” he said to Henry, who just frowned in response. ;)

“Do you want to ride that?” I joked to Chooch.

“The AMBULANCE?” Chooch cried. I mean, I was gesturing to the little kids truck ride under that pavilion, but wow, get dark with it, Chooch.

There was big, dreary warehouse-type structure with “games” and a snack bar, and also “party rooms.” It was pretty bleak in there so I think Beech Bend should work on make that area more festive and less “this is where Farmer Beechbend used to store the feed and hoes.” I used the bathroom in there – it was two stalls, super tiny and HOT – and a mom was in the stall next to me struggling to get her kid to take a shit. This was the second time that day that I had an unnerving public restroom experience with a mom and her unruly child.

Meanwhile, Henry bought himself a soft pretzel and Chooch and I ate most of it. :)

I really thought that said “Cabananas 1 -19” and “Cannabis 1 – 5”.

Did you know that I can’t ride pirate ships anymore as an adult? I can ride the most extreme coasters and spinny shit, but pirate ships will knock me out. It’s the rocking motion – side to side or front to back, it makes me nauseous. :(

We did not ride this janky backyard log flume and I lowkey regret it even though we saw one of the logs get stuck at the top of the tallest drop, lol.

We spent the last part of our day lapping Kentucky Rumbler. Station wait every single time – could have been a walk-on even if we weren’t such bitches for the backseat.

Ew, on the way out, we stopped to watch some game that was being played on this stage and I DID NOT APPRECIATE THE WAY THIS BABY WAS LOOKING AT ME.

Chooch said that it looked like his friend’s brother Roman, but I thought he said, “That baby looks like it’s broken” and I screamed OMG IT DOES.

Delightful swings!

Anyway, the park closed at 7 (ON A SATURDAY? IN JULY?!) but we managed to do all we needed to do in about 2 hours – plus, we were overheated and STARVED. I would definitely stop back here if we’re ever out that way though because Kentucky Rumbler is just THAT good.

Needed a break from the chaotic coaster road trip recapping – it really hit me today just how tired I am. And old. Lol. It’s going to take a bit to get all of this documented!

But here is a collection of the magnets I accumulated over the past week! Kind of regret not getting a new one from Silver Dollar City though now that I see which one I already have on the fridge (it’s mid).

I’ve been trying to get Chooch and Henry to tell me their favorite moments and of course it’s like prying a femur out of Jeffrey Dahmer’s mouth. Mine is how our waiter at a pizza place in Branson because a household name for the rest of the trip, and actually the WORST coaster of the whole trip -The Boss-because it was so bad that it was actually hilarious. I also loved stopping at The Arch in St Louis and walking around Des Moines during a late night lightning storm.

I still maintain that the best road trip we’ve done is the Florida Spring Break 2022 ambitious coaster credit collecting.

LOL Henry just tried to say his highlight was “being close” to me the whole time which is a joke. Now he’s thinking of a real answer. There’s smoke in the house.

“It wasn’t Six Flags,” he scoffed. (I actually thoroughly enjoyed our time there lol.)

“Driving sucked so that’s not a highlight,” he murmured. Wow, he’s really thinking.

Final answer: “I don’t know.”

Cool! Cool cool cool.

When researching this trip (and to be frank, not as much effort was put into this as I usually would have), there was one BIG NON-NEGOTIABLE, NON-COASTER tourist attraction that I found and refused to forget: The Shrine of the Grotto of the Redemption in West Bend, Iowa.

Henry was big annoyed about this, but we managed to fit it in on Thursday, on the way to Lost Island Theme Park in Waterloo. Chooch, having paid attention to absolutely nothing aside from “Erin’s birthday trip” had no clue what was going on so when we parked, he looked out the window and incredulously cried, “What the hell is THIS???” And to be clear, his tone was incredulous in a disgruntled and put-out tone, and not even remotely awestruck.

What is this place, one might ask? To summarize with the help of Wiki because I have had half of a beer and can barely type:

The Shrine of the Grotto of the Redemption is a religious shrine in West Bend, Iowa, in the Roman Catholic Diocese of Sioux City. A conglomeration of nine grottos depicting scenes in the life of Jesus, it contains a large collection of minerals and petrifications and is believed to be the largest grotto in the world.

It is also “considered to be the world’s most complete man-made collection of minerals, fossils, shells, and petrifications in one place.” The estimated value of the rocks and minerals which make up the Grotto is over $4,308,000. Over 100,000 people visit each year.

It includes a museum with precious and semiprecious stones from throughout the world, and photos and artifacts about the construction of the shrine.

I did learn on my own that this was originally constructed in Wisconsin and eventually moved to West Bend, Iowa.

I am not religious but I will honestly go out of my way to gawk at religious tourist attractions and cathedrals. I love me some cathedrals, especially in Europe.

I tried sharing with Chooch that I enjoyed a small window of “rock collector” status when I was in elementary school but he gave no fucks. It’s true though – there was some science-y nerd hut in Century III Mall near the pet store and I was obsessed with it. My grandma actually let me pick out a rock collection starter set once and I thought I was a geologist at that point, like show me the way to the next quarry, I’ll be there as soon as I ask my mom to drive me.

My collection didn’t go very far, and I kept fucking with some of the more fragile ones so much that they started to flake apart. And aside from purchasing some pyrite and other basic backyard rocks from the Laurel Caverns gift shop, I eventually moved on to other collections. Like collector spoons and brochures from rest stops and hotel lobbies, crippling insecurities, and hitchhikers, and eventually antique wheelchairs. My life has been so full.

Of crap.

Chooch got a call related to campus housing for the fall (he’s staying in some swanky suite with three friends and that’s going to be fun paying for that now too) so he disappeared for a while. How is he an adult now, I hate it.

(And adult in Minions Crocs, mind you.)

I kept demanding pictures of myself because I was so stoked to be here, lol.

This is smack in the center of a small neighborhood. Imagine having this majestic rock palace outside of your house. You could take your lunch break inside one of the caves, chilling next to a shark skull and Baby Jesus while noshing on a PB&J.

I did catch Chooch taking some pictures so guess he thought it was interesting there after all!

This particularly reminded me of Fruity Pebbles and melted Crayon art. Obsessed.

That pop of green!

There were even shells and creepy skeletons and bones from the sea.

Can you believe that Henry CLEANED THE LENS and  took another picture of this one because of the “glare”??? I  was like, “Um excuse me, what glare? That’s the fucking SEARCH LIGHT FROM HEAVEN singling me out, motherfucker.”

Originally, it was going to be nighttime when we stopped here (it’s always open to the public) and I think it would have been so majestic and ethereal at night so I’m kind of bummed that Henry switched things up. (He’s so good at that, why do I bother with an itinerary.)

LOL Chooch, always on Troll Patrol.

It was so nice that it wasn’t 100 degrees this day so I was able to have my picture taken without looking like a glazed ham beneath a frizzy coif. This was the first day of the whole trip that I actually blew dry and straightened my hair knowing it wouldn’t immediately soak up the humidity and revolt.

The gift shop was pretty mid. It was mostly actual religious gifts and rosaries, etc. and less souvenir-leaning. I got a really blah magnet BUT also a matchbook which looks like it was made in the 70s. I was really looking for a commemorative plate because the museum had a whole collection of those in a case and I was hoping that maybe they had a current design, but I GUESS NOT.

LOOK AT THIS CEILING!!!

Obsessed, you guys. Obsessed. In my opinion, definitely worth a stop if you’re even remotely in the area. It’s free but they accept donations, so we did donate + we made a gift shop purchase. They offer free guided tours as well and one was just starting while we were there, but we just didn’t have enough time since we needed to drive an additional 2.5 hours to the next stop after this.