As per uje, I am getting way behind on these recaps. I didn’t realize how many pictures I had left so this will mostly be a photo-dump and final thoughts type of chumpie*, OK?

*(HOLY SHIT, almost as though I use that word every fucking day, this just popped in my head and my fingers typed it out so naturally but I have not used it nor heard it used since the 90s when I learned it from my friend Jameelah who I was also just talking about last week when I decided to regale Henry with the story of the first time I got high, which was at her house courtesy of her older brother and then I walked home through the woods after a snowfall and was so high that it felt like I was trudging through quicksand.)

Oh also! I forgot to mention in my first SDC post that when we were standing in line for Fire in the Hole, I was complaining about something and Chooch reached out like he was about to brush something off my face. I was thinking to myself, “OMG this is a moment to remember” because he and Henry would let me go ALL DAY with dirt/food/trash/the Epstein files on my face without saying a word because that’s the kind of amazing support I get from then. BUT THEN he goes, “Oh never mind, that’s just YOUR TEARS. BECAUSE ALL YOU DO IS CRY.”

WOW.

WOWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOWOWOW.

I just thought about this because he was in the kitchen bitching because the instructions on whatever frozen thing he was trying to make said “See our website for instructions” and then I said, “Wow cry about it” and then we started arguing about who cries more. Just a little PEEKSY into my life, you guys.

After emerging from the cave, it was definitely time to eat. This is when we realized that the park wasn’t actually all that crowded because there was NO ONE IN LINE for Miss Molly’s buffet.

Actually, we didn’t know it was a buffet so we were filling our plates up as much as possible.

This was the most food I have eaten in one sitting in a good long while and I am happy to tell you that this sufficed as lunch AND dinner, thank you very much.

Similar to Dollywood, SLD employs lots of old people so this place was staffed with a bunch of old women in bonnets and they were quite adorable. One of them was chatting with us while we were gluttonously spooning mounds of mayonnaise-central sides onto our plates – she did not seem to be judging and I’m sure she has seen much worse. She told us she’s from NY and uses her summer employment at SLD as a means to vacation. I like that they have these opportunities for a demographic that no one else wants to hire, so maybe this is something I should keep in my back pocket for when I’m Henry’s age.

Anyway, Henry’s main plate was just a disaster of various meats, I wanted to die just sitting next to it. Chooch was especially repulsed by the random stack of pepperoni on top of Henry’s salad plate. It was so excessive!!

So barbaric.

Chooch was all of us in that moment. Stuff & exhausted.

There were a few tables behind us that were full but other than that, this place was empty.

Similar to Dollywood, SDC has a lot of charming little shops strewn about and old guys in overalls doing wood carvings and stuff. It’s a very rustic and laid back vibe, the polar opposite of Six Flags. I also think  that this is the kind of park where people come not necessarily for the rides, but for the shows, of which we partook in zero. LOL.

Chooch made me cry because he kept hard-bouncing the bridge knowing that I would get freaked out :(

HENRY PICKING MEAT OUT OF HIS TEETH PROBABLY, UGH. GET BACK IN THE CAVE.

EW HE STILL HAS THE TOOTHPICK IN HIS MOUTH.

WTF WITH THIS TOOTHPICK???

OK Wildfire! I think this may have been my favorite coaster in the park – it was just a really slick B&M with amazing views. I was annoyed though because Chooch and I were the only ones in line for the back so he moved down in our row, leaving the two middle seats open, and then at the last second, an older couple came into our row and separated us which Chooch thought was so funny for some reason?? I didn’t really care that much but it would have been nice if we had been sitting next to each other when Henry took this picture!

Meanwhile, the wait for this one was very short – maybe 10 minutes (we rode it again later with Henry and it was a station wait) and we accidentally made friends with the family in front of us because they wee arguing and the dad made eye-contact with me and then tried to divert by asking Chooch if the “Dragon” on his shirt was his school’s mascot so Chooch said yeah and now another woman in their group had turned around to see and she was like, “OH OUR SCHOOL MASCOT IS ALSO A DRAGON” in a very heavy drawl and for some reason I was fascinated by her?! She was very pretty and seemed like a firecracker, like she must be the life of the family gatherings. Anyway, they were from Arkansas in case you were wondering. We saw just her by herself later and Chooch goes, “There’s our friend!” which always makes Henry feel left out because these things only happen to us when Henry is not around since his presence usually deters people from making small talk with us. MAYBE IT’S THE TOOTHPICK.

Anyway, this was an example of how it really was not crowded in the park at all and the wait times fluctuated a lot throughout the day, like people would go to some of the coasters in waves and jack the wait time up just for a small window, making it seem like it was very crowded.

Then we all got a refreshing ICEE! Well, Henry and I shared one because I didn’t want to get sick.

At some point late in the afternoon, Chooch and I decided it was time to ride Mystic Falls, the rapids ride. This one is scary though because at one point, your raft is taken up a huge lift and deposited at the top of a swirly water slide thing which then sends you down the last drop. When we were about to get in line, a staff member was at the entrance alerting guests to the fact that the ride was undergoing its daily maintenance – something about doing something to the water??? – and that the wait would be about 45 minutes. There were people still in line and she said that the 45 minutes included that wait time in addition to the maintenance so we shrugged and got in line. It ended up being a good bet because the ride reopened after about 20 minutes and then we got to skip a large portion of it when they were searching for two riders to fill out a raft that already had 6 people.

This part was weird because they let us skip the line by walking along the station platform so we actually got to enter the raft before the group of 6. I had already sat down in a seat at the end of one side while Chooch went to put our phones in the bin. When he came back, the other people had already started filling up the raft so he had no choice but to sit across from me. The man who sat next to me (effectively taking Chooch’s seat) asked if I wanted to move to the other side to sit with Chooch and I was like, “No, I’m fine” and didn’t think anything of it. Then one of the ride ops came over and said to our side of the raft specifically that we had too many people and I was like, “WTF then why did you let us skip the line to get on this raft??” but then I realized that he meant THERE WERE FIVE PEOPLE ON OUR SIDE when there were only 4 seats, and only 3 people on the opposite side. The adults on my side of the raft had two young boys sitting in between them ON ONE SEAT, like wtf were they thinking?? Why would they even get into the raft on my side when I was already seated and buckled and they had 4 people??

It was so embarrassing even though I wasn’t associated with them, because now I had to move across and sit on Chooch’s side while everyone in line was watching.

Oh wait! Speaking of the line. We saw the Korean family from the cave again! They looked so fucking tired.

We also saw a fat slob MAGA asshole in overalls and gulf of America shirt. Yup, sounds about right. Piece of shit.

Back to the ride, the adults across from us with the two kids (they were the grandparents, I think) did all of the talking and we just sat there and smiled. I’m not sure if the older couple on our side of the raft was with them or not. Rapid rides are so awkward because you almost inevitably have to ride with strangers and you’re all facing each other so it’s weird when you’re averse to small talk and SMILING AT STRANGERS.

At one point, the grandfather (who was actually sort of funny in a lame way) asked us if we had ridden this other boat ride there, one of those types of rides where you can shoot water at people or whatever. Chooch and I sort of glanced at each covertly because he kept saying he wanted to ride that and I said I didn’t want to because it was stupid so you know what that shit said to these strangers?

“No. I’m not allowed to ride that.”

I’M NOT ALLOWED TO RIDE THAT.

Everyone on the raft went quiet and it was so fucking awkward, like I’m some fucking Mommy Dearest who is still in control of my NINETEEN YEAR OLD SON. It was so uncomfortable that Chooch and I both let out unhinged giggles at the same time and then couldn’t stop. I was so afraid I was going to start doing the “IJBOL’ing in church” unstoppable laughter so that made it even worse. Luckily, our raft got rocked really hard at that moment so the big gush of water distracted everyone from whatever weird HOSTAGE SITUATION they thought was taking place between Chooch and me.

I seriously wanted to kill him, though!

Meanwhile, we got drenched head to toe but it was so fucking hot that we were completely dried off while STILL ON THE RIDE. Except for our shoes, which were trashed.

I don’t know if this section was just closed the last time we were there if we had completely missed it, but it was such a beautifully-themed area! And Chooch got his kiddie coaster cred.

If you go to Dollywood or SDC, it is IMPERATIVE that you get the cinnamon bread. IMPERATIVE. Part of the process, as my good friend Alyson would say.  I kept asking all day, “When are we getting cinnamon bread? Is it time for cinnamon bread yet?” Even after devoured our Fat American Buffet Lunch (and no, none of us went back for seconds, I forgot to add), I could have torn into one of these warm sugary loaves. They are one of those things that actually live up to the hype. I do prefer Dollywood’s though because the location is way more iconic and it has outdoor seating. This place was so small and crowded.

We ate about 1/2 of it and stopped before it turned bad for us, stomach-wise. Chooch was being miserable and “didn’t want any” and he ended up eating the rest from the backseat of the car the next day.

The ride he’s “not allowed” to ride.

OK OK OK, we rode Time Traveler again before we left and I’m so glad because we got the first car this time and it was a completely different experience. And I knew it would be too because there are so many different types of rides you can get on this since the cars are free-spinning. We did have to wait for about 20 minutes but it was worth it. And some guy a few people ahead of us was my brother Ryan’s doppelganger, even down to his voice. It was so crazy!

You had to be there.

And know my brother Ryan.

We didn’t wait for Henry as usual lol.

Anyway, I felt satisfied after this and it was still too grossly hot to care much about re-rides on anything else so we decided it was a good time to leave. I think it was around 6:30 by then and we had been at the park since nearly 9AM.

We had to stop at the candy store on the way out for some sweet treats for the road. I got a Lady Baltimore because I didn’t know what it was and it looked interesting. Welp, it tasted like sugary wax and after three days of sitting in the car Henry finally threw it out. It was just like….very dense white chocolate rolled with coconut but it had a…TASTE to it. Like “old person’s candy dish” taste. It left an unpleasant coating on my tongue too. I wish I could go back in  time and get a TIGER BUTTER instead – I didn’t even see that until now!

Luckily, Henry got the tried and true peanut brittle which lasted us days in the car much to Chooch’s chagrin. “HOW DO YOU STILL HAVE ANY OF THAT LEFT??” he screeched from the backseat at one point in our drive as Henry violently masticated a piece.

On the way out, we managed to get a picture at the front entrance sign which was MONOPOLIZED on the way in by a SDC photographer trying to make a dime off it. Henry white-knighted the park and said, “I mean, it IS their sign so they can monetize that if that want.”

OH OK Big Corp Hank.

I was hoping to just get a picture of either Chooch, me and Chooch, Henry and Chooch, whatever but then some family cut us off and asked if I could take their picture. So I did and then the dad was like, “I will take yours too” which was nice but I hate it when strangers take pictures of us because I feel even more awkward than usual! The exception was that time those young girls took pictures us on the Cheongyecheon on our first night in Seoul last year.

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Memories.

On the tram back to the parking lot. Counting how many more days they had of this, lol.

And by this I mean CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK.

P.S. I fully prefer Dollywood over Silver Dollar City in case you needed to know for the thesis paper you’re writing about my life.

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