Back in 2019, we went to Silver Dollar City during Thanksgiving break for their holiday festival thing. We had a nice time BUT!!! Henry had hurt his back the morning we were supposed to start the drive there and was unable to ride anything except for the carousel and a dark ride. And also, the temps were below average almost NONE of the coasters were running that day. The mine train, Outlaw Run (their RMC), and Fire In the Hole (indoor ride that counts as a coaster cred) were the only ones Chooch and I were able to ride that day and it was so painful to be that close to Time Traveler without getting on it, let me tell you.

I made sure to blast JACKIE BLUE on the drive there. I think it was about a 15 minute drive from our hotel in the big tourist trap area of Branson. The park opens real early – I think around 8:30am. They have the sections with all the rides roped off, but there’s a big courtyard-y area with shops and bakeries where you can get some morning sweet treats or a sit-down breakfast buffet.

OR GO TO CHURCH:

Chooch and I got trapped inside here because as we were trying to leave, a family came in and the mom was standing outside of the doorway taking pictures of them so Chooch and I had to dive to the side to avoid living in some strangers’ family picture for eternity. I got stuck in a pew next to a young girl who said, “It smells weird in here.”

“Kind of like pee,” I said, and she scrunched up her nose and agreed.

Chooch thought she had said it smells GOOD in there and was appalled that I countered with my pee comparison. It was funny at the time BUT I GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE.

Henry did not join us for this churchy pit stop.

But here he is afterward being embarrassing.

We had about 15 minutes before rope drop so we chose the artery that leads to Time Traveler and proceeded to stand amongst the other early birds in the ALREADY SWELTERING SUNLIGHT. Not even 9:30am yet and it was just going to get hotter. This time at least I wore a black shirt so my sweat couldn’t be seen. Ugh.

I forgot that SDC is one of those stupid ass patriotic parks where men have to remove their hats while we all have to endure the NATIONAL ANTHEM. This is excruciating ESPECIALLY in the current times, being a country led by a pedophile and Nazis. I stood with my arms crossed, scowling, as a bunch of asshole behind me sang along in reverence and then one big asshole hollered, “AMERICA!!!!!” at the end. Fuck off.

I will say that this definitely set the tone for me, at least for the first 1/3 of the day.

But! We finally got to ride Time Traveler! It wasn’t that long of a wait – maybe about 15 minutes once the ride actually opened, 20 minutes total. They assign seats here and we all got the second car.

Not to be a bitch, but the whole time I was expecting to be blown away and I just…wasn’t? Am I spoiled now? Am I losing interest in coasters?? I don’t know. But this coaster is supposed to be elite and I was just like, “OK?”

Then we walked over to Wildfire, but it was down, lol.

Wish we actually were from Canada, honestly.

Powder Keg!! I REALY enjoyed this one. What I did not enjoy was that the Fast Lane (I can’t remember what they call it there) definitely had priority. Chooch and I were waiting for the front row and lost two chances to go because of Fast Lane and I was livid when I saw that some of the Fast Lane people got right back in the Fast Lane line and got to ride it again before us! The bitch who took the front row had a beet red sweaty face so Chooch and I kept saying, “There she is, red face!” every time we saw her throughout the day. I hated her.

Fast passes are the worst creation ever. Do it like they do in Europe or don’t do it at all.

The park wasn’t even THAT crowded but Fast Lane made it feel like it was. At least for this coaster.

We probably only ended up waiting for 30 minutes and I guess it was worth it? I did enjoy it but the line was REALLY long by the time we got off so that was a one and done for us. It had a nice launch though.

I was very excited to get on Outlaw Run again! Especially since this would be Henry’s first time (sad that I can’t brag about having one extra RMC credit now compared to him – ugh). Now look, I watch lots of coaster content on YouTube because I am big fat loser so I was aware that there have been big complaints about how Outlaw Run runs now. I heard it’s gotten very rough, there’s a pothole at the bottom of the first drop, etc.

Even still, I was not prepared for this trainwreck it’s become. HOW is this the same coaster that Chooch and I straight-up marathoned in 2019??? Back then, it was a walk-on every time and we were shocked about that – an RMC with no lines?! Unheard of. On this day, it was also a walk-on (except that we wanted the backrow and it was on one-train ops so we did have to wait) on a fairy crowded day in July. But after that first drop, I could understand why. There is no way the general public like this coaster. When it’s too rough even for a thoosie? It was actually heartbreaking how bad this coaster has become and I was sad that this was the version of it that Henry had to experience. We all hated it. It wasn’t even worth riding in another row for science.

PLEASE, Silver Dollar City, ask RMC to come back and fix it! They should have been working on that instead of refurbing Fire in the Hole!

Which, speaking of, we rode next. The line was long because I think it was actually broken down when we got there because the line just wasn’t moving at all. Meanwhile, there was a mom and her young daughter in front of us, and then an old man in front of them. He turned around and started talking to the mom and the girl (mostly the girl and it was fucking creepy – he had pervy Farmer Jed vibes). THEN he did the dread “OVER HERE YALL!” wave, summoning his wife and young girl who he introduced as HIS DAUGHTER MARY and I fucking swear to god she was like 10 and this man was in his 70s. Henry didn’t hear this part but when I told him later, he kept insisting that she was probably his granddaughter BUT I AM TELLING YOU, HE SAID DAUGHTER.

Then!!! He kept shouting, “BILL! BILL! WE’RE OVER HERE!” and I was like, “AW FUCK NO” when I saw that Bill had numerous other people with him. Bill was standing near the entrance to the ride and yelled back that they were still waiting on someone in the bathroom. Bill kept saying, “We’ll just ride it separately” but Farmer Jed was like, “NO YOU WILL CUT PAST EVERYONE IN LINE AND RIDE WITH US FOR GODS SAKE.”

I was like peeling my skin off at this point because LINEJUMPING IS CAUSE FOR REMOVAL FROM THE PARK YOU FUCKING MOUNTAIN DWELLER. GO HOME AND DRINK YOUR MOONSHINE WHILE SHINING YOUR HUBCAP COLLECTION WITH YOUR SNOTTY RAG! And take your weird ass daughter Mary in her church dress with you! I felt like she had a tag on her somewhere that said Product of Incest.

I kept saying, “This is bullshit, let’s just get out of line, I don’t want to deal with this” but Henry and Chooch were too busy being poisoned by the sun to care.

Then the line started moving at a pretty consistent pace which definitely led me to believe that the ride must have been down that whole time (good ol’ RMC). The switchback eventually brought us back around to the entrance before the line wound its way inside the building (Fire in the Hole is a dark ride) so now we were directly across from where Bill and his clan had been waiting for the pissing member of their gang. Perfect timing – they were all now accounted for and JUST started to get into line when Farmer Jed was like, “JUST COME UNDER THE BAR HERE!!!” meaning they would have skipped out on the whole outdoor section of the line, cutting at least 50 people. There was a lot of hem and hawing on Bill’s part, and I made STRONG EYE CONTACT with who I can ony imagine was Bill’s wife and slowly shook my head no in the most threatening way I could muster without also having a switchblade to flick open and close.

Bill said, “Naw, we ain’t gon’ do that” and then he and his family proceeded to GET INTO THE BACK OF THE LINE!!!!! So Farmer Jed’s old hag said, “LET’S JUST GO WITH THEM THEN” and ducked under the bar and left with Farmer Jed and Mary from the Hills Have Eyes in tow!

I WAS ELATED!!!! Chooch said, “See?? And you wanted to leave. But it all worked out.” He said it in the most inyerface way imaginable though so my smug joy was shortlived.

Anyway, we rode it. It was fine. We got stuck just outside of the station though because someone on the train before ours had puked AND IT TURNS OUT IT WAS THE LITTLE GIRL THAT FARMER JED WAS TRYING TO GROOM IN FRONT OF US!

And on that note, I will end PART ONE. But just know that I really fucking hate linejumpers so much. Especially in this new age we live in where no one wants to confront anyone for fear of becoming a viral video or getting stabbed.

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