I spent a whopping $10 of my stimulus funding on this umbrella ring and it makes me fucking smile every time I glance down at it.

If you’re looking for cool stuff to spend your cash on, might I suggest Eggman Studios (purveyor of this awesome bumbershoot ring) and Lena Blue, who will make your head look all Victorian and shit.

And also, my dumb and gay paintings. Hahahahahaha.

The Apopka family was enjoying an afternoon at the circus, when someone decided it would be a great idea to start cooking some meth on their portable stove while watching the lion tamer harrass a youthful female clown in a dark corner. Things suddenly went awry and the next thing the Apopka’s knew, they were buffeted by burning cotton candy and projectile popcorn.

If you’re going to mess around with a portable stove, at least pay attention to what you’ve got cookin’.

Acrylic on an 8×8 canvas board.

Seamus was born on a cold Scotland night in 1756. On the way back to their cave from the birthing hut, Seamus’s father lost control of their wagon (he was an incorrigible alcoholic) and the three of them found themselves plummeting hundreds of feet down the side of a scraggly cliff.

At the bottom of the cliff, a gay pride festival was underway. The Teabagpipers had just finished their set and piled their bagpipes in a heap before setting off to reward themselves with some appletinis, when Seamus and his family came careening through the sky. Both of Seamus’s parents had the gnarly misfortune of being impaled by the non-bag parts of the bagpipes, while Seamus had the good luck of splashing into a vat of pickle cider.

Seamus was taken into the care of a trio of drag queen nuns and believes that he’s a human. He has survived many centuries and now makes a living working behind the toy counter at an adult bookstore. No one questions his green complexion, lack of limbs, or the sebaceous trail he leaves in his wake.

Original painting on a thick 8×8 canvas, unstapled sides, ready to hang. This guy would be the perfect addition* to a child’s wall. (Just, you know, don’t tell the kid that Seamus works in an adult bookstore.)

*Lol I had ‘addiction’ there first.

My friend Sarah makes that crochet shit. Today, I got my own crochet shit from her.

Originally, I was going to give it to Chooch. But when I had the real thing in my hands, there was no way I was giving it up. He could have cried all the tears he had inside him. Which he surprisingly didn’t, but I still felt a tiny pang of guilt so I let him keep the second bacon (what? it could be soy)  that came with the egg.

I feel so much better now at work. Who knew that it’d only take a yarn fish skeleton for me to achieve complete feng shui over at the work station.

If anyone’s in the market for cute baby hats and crocheted animals, go check out Sarah over on Etsy!

Zoe and Zed should be playing Hopscotch, but Zed had a rowdy round of Show -n- Tell in mind instead. Original painting done in acrylics on an 8×10 canvas.
 

 

Ted, Francis and Julio were enjoying a quick break during their shift at the Rust Ban campaign headquarters.

Francis was going on and on about the despicable effects rust has on fine surfaces like metal and tin, and Julio griped petulantly about how rust had ruined his favorite patio recliner. "Ruined! I paid ninety bolts for that fine piece of luxury furnishing and now if I want to pop a squat, I have to settle for the wicker chaise my wife bought with the money she gets from her ex-husband. No thanks."

Ted’s face became so hot with anger that he could have sizzled a shrapnel sausage on it.

It was then that the friend Francis and Julio knew, or thought they knew, for the past three years revealed a side of him that no one expected.

"I like rust. Sometimes I let well-concealed areas of my body collect a small circumference of rust so I can pick at it before falling asleep, pick at it like a patch of eczema. I like rust. Sometimes I stroke the coarse badges of rouge defect and it calms me down when I’m stressed out about bills and my cheating whore of a wife." He twiddled with his antenna. "When I scratch it real hard, I like watching clouds of rust shavings float down to the ground, like dandruff." He toed the gravel beneath him. "I like rust!"

Francis and Julio, totally agog, backed away in silence.

No one talked to Ted after that, which is a shame because he really hoped he’d help make strides in the war against rust-hate.

Gouache and acrylic on a thick 5.5" x 5.5" canvas, unstapled sides, ready to hang.

Jeremiah spent all of his time collecting Pogs and maintaining twelve Tamagachis in simultaneous harmony.

He kept a meticulous collection of petrified twigs and delicately pinned expired flies to a corkboard with precision. He kept his face greasy to feed his acne.

Muffy was the 2004 Playmate of the Year, and kept herself in the headlines by knitting afghans for Serbian orphans.

She often made guest appearances on Paula’s Party on the Food Network, thanks to her apple dicing dexterity. Muffy was stunning even with a bare face and wrapped snugly in an apron.

No one saw it coming.

Jeremiah was in the audience during one of the tapings; he had an obsession with Paula because she reminded him of the grandma he always wanted because his own grandma was a stolen arms dealer (limbs, not guns) who had deep trenches along her face from the time the Irish mafia tortured her to reveal the location of thousands of kilos of embezzled Tastycakes, a much-sought after treat in Dublin that had been proven to make people stronger for potato-heaving. She never cracked and to this day, she’s held in captivity beneath the womens’ room in a potato famine museum.

 Paula invited Jeremiah up in front of the cameras to sample some of Muffy’s apple muffins. His shyness prevented him from looking directly at Muffy, but his mumbled praise and crimson flushed face was enough to win Muffy’s heart. Finally, someone liked her for her baked goods and not her private goods.

They embarked on a whirlwind romance and took to devouring each others mouths every chance, the universal sign for “Back off, fools, this woman is taken,” in an effort to deter lewd men from lifting her skirt.

This is the first time Jeremiah will have a real live woman as a Valentine, replacing the bag of his dead aunt Murtle’s bones that he traditionally brings out to share a box of chocolates and a glass of grape juice every February 14th.

Acrylic on a thick 5.5″x5.5″ canvas, unstapled sides, ready to hang.

In her heyday, Florence designed corsages for potential prom queens (Carrie-like broads were turned away, though) and she did the occasional voice over for fiber product commercials.

But then there was The Scandal.

Florence was caught skinny dipping with Gary Lewis. Everyone in the world hated Gary Lewis because he owned every single television station, even Telemundo, and would interrupt the highest rating, top popular, most scintillating programs in order to air fifteen-hour-long telethons which didn’t even have the purpose of raising money for cancer or sickle cell anemia. The telethons had no benefit other than to showcase his daughter singing sour notes and shimmying with sequined hula hoops.

By the time the paparazzi stuck their lenses in between the ivy of Gary’s trellis, it was only a matter of minutes before scandelous photos of their naked pretzeled bodies were plastered over every gossip publication and Inside Edition and celebrity gossip blog.

The world hated Florence by association. Teenagers stopped wearing her corsages to dances, blaming her for the reason their beloved soaps were interrupted by four hour loops of Gary Lewis’s gardener pruning the petunias.

Her contract with Fiber Fanatics disintegrated, because why bother making commercials when Gary will just hijack their time slots.

Florence never took another lover and spent the rest of her life plotting Gary’s death.

Acrylic and pastel on 5.5″x5.5″ canvas.

Marge, Clive, Rowan and Beulah just escaped from the robot-ward of Sing-Sing, called Beep-Beep, but since they’ve been incarcerated for fifty years, no one knows where to go.

“Wanna go see if the Rusty Tailpipe is still open on 73rd Street, grab us some boltburgers?” Clive’s suggestion was met with silence.

“Perhaps we should think about eating later, like say when we’re five states away,” Rowan patronized.

gouache and acrylic on 8×8 canvas board.

Brenda and Jason have this plaguing disease that propels them into affection’s arms at least every 7.3 seconds. Some people might think this is adorable, but the other 90% of the planet’s population is more apt to be all, “Yo, get a room you grossballs.” Maybe some pebble-pelting would be involved, too.

This is good for people who like to inhale their partner in public, or those who don’t, or those who like the color mauve on a dark green background.

6×8 comic-wrapped canvas board.

More info here.