Well, I guess we’re due for another bullet-point blog post. I’ve thrown in some cat pictures too because I know how to keep my reader(s) happy….?

• I’m not really into podcasts simply because my attention span is no bueno. I know a lot of people who can listen to them at work but I can’t even listen to music at work because I’m already just so-so at my job and I’m one of those people who can barely walk and chew gum at the same time, so….Anyway my point is that in order to listen to a podcast, I have to be not doing anything else. But I really wanted to listen to S-Town because I was a fan of Serial. I had to actually sit still for approx. 7 hours over the last week in order to take this all in, but it was worth it. I know a lot of people were disappointed with the way in panned out, but I thought it was captivating and although it left me absolutely panicked about the passing of time, I thought it was an incredibly engaging narrative and would recommend it. But if you hate it, I didn’t make it, so…

• Chooch is too cool for selfies with mommy now I guess. We had a fight Saturday morning because he said I don’t have any friends and when I defensively whined that I have a lot of friends (a lie), he smugly retorted, “Yeah but now most of them are mine.” UGH it’s true though.  It’s his goddamn Charles Manson charisma.

• When Chooch tried to make galaxy cupcakes and then realized the actual icing part was going to take effort so he said fuck it.

• Our porch is so great for relaxing, and it has also provided me with a new opportunity to try my hand at parenting succulents again. For some reason, the cats don’t seem to bother my plants on the back porch (KNOCK ON WOOD) so I’ve been slowly trying to built my plant fam back up. We’ll see how long it lasts.

• I brought in pineapple and lotus root for my work snack last week and it caused a commotion.  Not really, but todd came over to ask me a question and then said, “OK, what is that?” So I told him (he mumbled “of course it is”) and then Lauren came over because she wanted to see and then we talked about lotus root for maybe fifteen minutes. That was fun.

• Speaking of lotus root, we got another great haul at the Asian market today. Above, please notice the photo of Henry plucking mysterious roots from a bin. “I don’t know what these are but I always see people buying them.” WE ARE FOLLOWERS. Anyway, the super jovial woman who checked us out asked if we knew what they we were and we sheepishly shook our heads. “Baby taro! Steam them, so good!” So guess what Henry’s doing tonight?! Also, I love taro so what a serendipitous Asian grocery experience. I also got some more savory snacks for work and I was able to read a bunch of Korean noodle packages so I’m FLYING HIGH ON THIS APRIL SUNDAY.
• The Riot Fest lineup was announced last week. I’ve had my ticket since December so I wasn’t caught up in the flurry to buy tickets but I have to say, I feel kind of underwhelmed about it this year. The main bands are legit, but I’m usually so stoked for the lower-tiered bands as well and there just aren’t that many stoking my fire. BUT – Kara is going with us this time so THAT is what I’m most excited about!
• I must really be caught on the Hallyu Wave because while everyone else is fanning themselves over the Riot Fest lineup, I’m over here watching vlogs of past KCONs, desperate to snag tickets when they go on sale next month. This world is so different from what I’m used to. I WANT TO SCORE A HI-TOUCH OPPORTUNITY FOR TWICE AND/OR CNBLUE, ahhhhhhhhh.  TT.TT

• The only thing keeping me from crying 24:7 over the Orange Embarrasment is all the clever memes and signs I see everyday. This Pink Floyd one is the best. LOOK AT THE TINY HANDS. Henry doesn’t like this though because he thinks it’s insulting to Pink Floyd.
• Chooch just stumbled across some of my old email addresses and is flipping out. “PoopAndPee?! Really?! You are literally so immature!” These were just my Comcast email addresses – if he ever sees the 50+ gmail addresses I’ve enmassed he’s going to put himself up for adoption. Or maybe just be full of pride.

• I’ve been trying not to be all HI GUYS WELCOME TO MY WEIGHTLOSS JOURNEY but I today I put on this shirt that I bought when Janna and I went to see the Corpse Flower bloom at Phipps in 2013 and I accidentally bought a youth medium commemorative shirt. I was so sad when I got home and realized my mistake so I punched it into the back of my dresser and moved on with life. Today I tried it on and it fit! THANK YOU KPOPX, K-KARDIO, and MY OFF-THE-CUFF KOREAN FOOD DIET. This is the greatest I’ve felt since I was probably 20, i.e. before I started dating Henry and he turned me into a fat lard to keep me from leaving him. J/k. It was my fault (see: depression, low self worth, poor relationship with food). I’m a huge advocate for dancing to Kpop for weight loss. Come talk to me about it!

• Ugh, yesterday Henry and I were strolling around Brookline when I picked up a rushed can of beer off the street, not only because it was Earth Day, but because FUCK LITTER every day*. Anyway, I forgot that the nearest garbage can was two blocks away so I got stuck clutching this gross can with the tips of two fingers, trying to hide it behind my back so it didn’t like I was a typical Yinzer, day-drinking on the sidewalks of Brookline. Some of it dripped on my foot and I wanted to cry, but I did this for YOU, Mother Earth.
  • Also, let it be known that before I picked it up, Henry kicked it and kept walking.
  • *When I was 13, we had a French foreign exchange student staying with us. His name was Laurent and he was 15 at the time. One day over the summer, we were going to the zoo, and he put down the passenger window in order to throw out his McDonald’s straw wrapper. From the backseat, I grabbed him by the back of the shirt and said, “I don’t know what you guys do in FRANCE, but we don’t litter in AMERICA.” (What a lie” our country is jam-packed with garbage, and it comes in people-form too.) But yeah, don’t fuck with the Overseer of Clean Streets.

• The other day at work, I was lamenting about how I’ve never seen a ghost. “Don’t you think it’s weird that I’ve never been haunted?” I asked out loud, to everyone and no one in particular. “That’s because you’re on the haunting end,” Glenn muttered, and I will accept that as a compliment, thanks Glenn.
• Lately, I have been trying to use Hangul hashtags so that I can make more friends on Instagram from Korea, because I have found that trying to translate Instagram captions has been a helpful supplement to my Talk to Me in Korean lessons, which are hard. But! Knowing how to read Hangul is half the battle and I get so excited when we’re watching things on Drama Fever and I recognize words. I mean, I’m not that good at English so even if I can get to the point where I can say, “I know Korean but I’m not good,” I’ll be, well, good.
• Chooch will be 11 on Tuesday and I’m so sad. He’s more than halfway to out of the house, and lately he’s been showing an interest in CMU so I’m already panicking about that, like please get yourself a scholarship, boy.

I’ll end with a picture of Drew in a basket. Later this week, please look forward to a post about Chooch’s birthday dinner and more Lunchbreak Tales. Possibly an office candy review, as well. I know. How will you sleep tonight.

It’s Good Friday. Would it be crossing the line if I made you guys pretend these bullet points are crucifix nails? Also, enjoy some random pictures of Pittsburgh in the springtime.

• Henry and I have been going round and round for the last two weeks. Over almonds! Of all things. Every time he goes to the store, he asks me what I want, and I’m like, “Almonds.” A meager request! But then he comes home and I’m like where are my almonds and he’s all blank stare which means his synapses are tripping over themselves trying to send a legit excuse to his brain. So the first two times this happened, he was all, “I forgot” and then the next time, he was all, “THEY ARE EXPENSIVE.” This seemed like a lame excuse so I started a fight with him, because that’s what I do: start fights and prevent him from sleeping. Everyone knows that. Anyway, on Monday, I went to CVS because I had nothing to eat for lunch and figured I should buy some more oatmeal which is one of the few things I can be bothered to prepare on my own, and while I was there, I thought, “I will also get almonds, fuck you Henry.” And holy shit, guys, almonds are fucking expensive! I mean, I don’t really know the value of a dollar or economics or even how to count money, really, but $9 for a small bag of almonds seemed a bit astronomical to me. So I bought pecans instead and even those seemed like a lot of money, what is this world coming to. I came back to work and had SO MUCH TO SAY about this. “I thought almonds were just like, basic. Like peanuts!” I cried, and Glenn just frowned and said no. Todd put his earphones in because he didn’t feel like contributing, I guess. I was very distraught about this and no one cared, but I bet BARB would have cared if she still worked there. She probably would have come in the next day with an almond-filled sack slung over her shoulders, like the Santa Claus of Seeds.
  • In other CVS news, when I was waiting to check out, the manager came back in from her smoke break (presumably) and literally yelled, “JOHN! Oh my god, JOHN! You didn’t think to ask for help!?” John, the lone cashier, barely glanced up from the change he was counting, therefor didn’t realized that the line had grown exponentially since he started ringing up his current customer. “You didn’t notice this MAGNIFICENT line?!” the manager hollered, gesturing wildly to us haggard people trying to get shit done on our lunch break. John just shrugged and calmly handed his customer their receipt and called the next person in line. Meanwhile, after calling for “Amy’s” assistance (she told her the line had 30 people in it — FALSE), the manager opened the register next to his and I was the lucky person who drew her number. “I’m so sorry!” she loudly apologized to me. “I have NO IDEA how he didn’t notice this line!” Poor John was just standing there, trying to block her out, trying to do his job, trying to enjoy being a middle-aged man in a graying pony tail. “Honestly, it just kind of happened all at once,” I said in John’s defense, because suddenly I’m not the person who gets irate when standing in line anymore? The manager looked at me, a real hard look directly into my eyes, trying to see if she could detect bullshit, like who is this dumb bitch with the audacity to defend JOHN, right? “Well, we’ll let him off the hook this time, since you said it all happened at once,” she said with A WINK while handing me by bag of oatmeal and not-almonds. UGH, we didn’t just BOND over that, so don’t wink at me, weirdo. Poor John. I hope he went home and at least got a handjob that night.

• Sometimes at work, we get high school interns or something, I don’t know what they are, but they’re usually following around the people from the mail room and it’s kind of cute at first but then I just feel sorry for myself because these kids still have a chance, you know? LE SIGH. Anyway, one of the mail guys was carting around some girl a few weeks ago and I vaguely noticed her in my periphery. I didn’t really think much of it until a few days later when she was patrolling our floor for mail all on our own. I went over to Todd’s desk after she rounded the corner and said, ‘Wow, that high school kid walks around here with more confidence than any of the actual mail people!” Todd gave me some neutral reply and then we went about our business. A few days later, I noticed she was STILL there, which I thought was weird because I don’t remember those kids ever lasting very long. So that’s when I was like….is this not a teenager? Todd was all, “Man, I had no idea WHAT you were talking about that day. That girl is like in HER THIRTIES.” And then the next time she walked by, I got a real good look at her, and just started cracking up because there is literally nothing about her that even remotely suggests she could be in high school. MY EYES ARE THAT BAD. Even Lauren admitted that she was concerned for me. “And they also never let those high school interns go rogue,” she pointed out, which I think was her gentle way of calling me a dumbass. I started thinking of this while I was doing KpopX the other night, and I started laughing so hard that I almost peed my pants during a rigorous “Boombayah” routine. “It’s not funny,” Henry said. “You sincerely need to get your eyes checked.”

• Speaking of KpopX, my new shirt came in the mail and I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. I almost knocked Henry to the ground in my haste to get the package open. No, not his package. The actual KpopX package, straight from Singapore. (Not Korea, sadly.) I took these stereotypical pictures even though it’s something I would generally roll my eyes at, just because I wanted to tag Maddy (FROM KPOPX!!) in them on Instagram. I’m a suck-up.

• My friend Stacey was recently in San Antonio and sent me this picture because she knew it would make me laugh. <3
• “Don’t think it’s weird that I’ve never been haunted by anything?” I asked my co-workers out of the blue the other day. “That’s because you’re on the haunting end of things,” Glenn muttered. THIS IS THE NICEST THING HE’S EVER SAID TO ME.
• Meanwhile, Todd broke my heart because he said he likes BTS better than BIGBANG. (It’s a Kpop thing. You wouldn’t understand.)

• The abortion protestors must be on vacation because I didn’t see them at all this week, except for one lady who was KNEELING ON THE GROUND and praying in front of Planned Parenthood today, like get the fuck over yourself. I was on the phone with Henry and as I walked by, I VERY LOUDLY said, “Oh my god this ABORTION PROTESTOR IS PRAYING, GET A LIFE” because that’s how I operate: feel of passive aggressive indignation. Last week, some old priest was pacing in front of Planned Parenthood, holding a cross and praying and I was like, “OMG YOU’RE SO COOL” and he MIGHT have heard me. I hate those people. They recruited some young girl with blue hair, like she’s going to help convert the Satan-y, alternative types. She tried to give me a brochure once and I hissed.
  • One time, years and years ago, like pre-Chooch years ago, there were pro life d-bags protesting at the church across the street from my house. They were wearing those tacky sandwich boards with various depictions of fetuses splayed across, so Robbie and I decided to open the windows and blast Marilyn Manson. Henry got very upset about this and told us we were being childish (to be fair, Robbie actually was a child at that time, so….).

The look I give Planned Parenthood protestors.

• Todd, Lauren, and I had a really deep conversation about moths yesterday. 

• I got my passport renewed yesterday just in time for 87 different conflicts to heat up in the world. There might not be anywhere left that’s safe to travel to soon, but at least there’s one more ugly picture of me out there.
• After work today, I was walking through Market Square when I saw some guy laying on the ground surrounded my paper towels. A small crowd had gathered and the popo had just rolled up. One of those lame bicycle cops strode over in his dumb bike hat and asked the prostrate man’s friends, “Is he OD’ing? Alcohol?” “No, he just um, fell and hit his head,” one of the accomplices said, while a BOTTLE OF LIQUOR was on the ground right next to their downed friend. Good job, guys.
  • I was telling Henry about what I saw after I got in the car and he was all, “Oh, I saw two guys running past the car with paper towels a few minutes before you got here” and I thought that was so cool that we both saw two different parts of the scene so then I started obsessing over it because there isn’t enough substance in my brain to keep me from dwelling on things that don’t matter.

• I have Post-It notes all over my desk to help me with my Korean. So like, I have one on my phone that says phone in Hangul, etc. There’s one on the audit lamp, too, and yesterday, Todd was at his desk and said “lamp” out loud in Korean! I was so excited because he was looking at the Post-It on it the other day and I was teaching him how to pronounce it, so with my hands on my chest, I cried out, “Oh my god, you remembered!” Maybe I really CAN be a teacher after all, right? But then Todd laughed and said, “God no, it’s called Google Translate and it’s right in front of me.” :(

• My favorite part about Chooch bringing flowers home is trying to guess from whose yard they were thieved. He just had another row with Jackie the Witch today so I’m going to guess her flowers are next on the list. It was a huge ordeal apparently- she made Jayden cry and Chooch came to me with 4 kids in his wake, hysterically recapping the latest “GET OFF MY LAWN” episode and this one kid was like LOSING HIS MIND, he was so angry. I let them all vent and then basically said, “Cool story, get off my lawn.” Look, Henry was almost done making my tteokbokki and I wanted to eat, not get in some pointless screaming match with JACKIE. Anyway, I think this is just karma because when I was first moved here, Jackie’s son was Chooch’s age and he ANNOYED THE FUCK out of me. Somehow, all of the neighbor kids used to congregate on my porch—OK, not “somehow.” It was clearly because I was the cool 20-year-old on the block. Chooch wanted to throw that in Jackie’s face. “I should have said, ‘Yeah, well, you should worry about your own son and whose yard he’s on!'” OK Chooch, but that was 17 years ago (OMG I’ve lived here a long time) so that doesn’t really hold up.
  • My favorite part about Chooch’s reenactments of his conflicts is when he says, “And then I said [insert obscenity-laden, brazen retort], OK fine, I just thought that in my head. What I really said was ‘ I DIDN’T DO IT.'” He never does anything, you guys. It’s obviously Drop Dead Fred.

• I noticed a sign in the window of Rock n Joe’s the other day, boasting their lavender lattes. Lavender lattes are my favorites, tied with maple! Crazy Mocha is where I usually go for my lavender fix, but I decided to give Rock n Joe’s a try even though I think they’re overpriced and gimmicky. So I rolled up in there yesterday on my break, about fifteen minutes before they closed. I walked in to an empty joint, all prepared to order, but the guy behind the counter had to finish his text first. You know how important that is when you’re AT WORK. I hold up one finger all the time when my boss comes over to ask me something, like just a second, lemme just finish telling Henry that G-Dragon’s solo concert in Seoul sold out in 8 minutes, thanks. I let this dumbass finish and then when I tried to order my little slice of lavender heaven, he did the sad face/head tilt before saying, “I’m sorry, we’re all out of lavender syrup. We’ll have more tomorrow.” And then he waited for me to order something else, and normally I would have ordered something I didn’t even want because it’s in my nature to feel obligated by society, but you know what I said? “Maybe I’ll come back tomorrow, then.” Well, today is tomorrow and do you think I went back? NO I DIDNT. “Wow, you sure showed him,” Henry said when I called him at work to tell him this amazing story.

I think that’s all I have. But before I go, here’s a kpop video! These guys will be at KCON and I want to go so bad and I even already requested off work but I have a feeling I’ll never be able to get tickets. Anyway, I like them mostly because their singer has been on Running Man a whole bunch of times and he is just so dreamy.

But no seriously, I have never related to Korean college girls so much before in my life.

1. GET OUT: Chooch and I went to see Get Out at the Hollywood Theater last Sunday. The people behind the snack counter kind of gave Chooch a questionable once-over, which always happens when we roll up to the horror movie. But it wasn’t too bad as far as gore or sex goes, and the social commentary was so very relevant, which gave us a lot to talk about afterward. My favorite part was when there was a (super explicit) Jeffrey Dahmer reference and Chooch was like, “Yeah, I know who that is, yawn” — it was a very weird mixture of proud parent moment and WHAT HAVE I DONE TO THIS KID. Oh yeah, Janna and her friend Jeremy were also there, but he was having some type of domestic drama and spent most of the time texting while Janna hovered over him and I’m not even sure if either of them watched the movie, so it was pretty annoying. But yeah – Get Out! It was good.

2. HANGUL: This has nothing to do with the above picture of Drew, but I know Hangul now! Granted, I have no idea what I’m saying/reading most of the time, but it’s a good starting point. I’ve been trying to read song lyrics all week and now I can write BIGBANG and oppa in Hangul! And also, on the way to work this morning, Maddy from KpopX posted pictures of the new shirts that are for sale, and beneath KpopX was a line of Hangul. It took me a few seconds of sounding it out in my head, but then I screamed, “FIGHTING! Henry, it says FIGHTING! I COULD READ IT!!” and he was like, ‘That’s great, get the fuck out of the car and go to work.” So then I ran inside and shoved my phone in Amber and Todd’s faces to show them my new trick and I think they may have been genuinely impressed. Later, I sent them all a video on patbingsoo, because red bean has been QUITE CONTROVERSIAL up in the law firm lately (see #4), and then I went out on my break, and while I was out there on my break, pacing about the streets of Pittsburgh, I started thinking of the sounds of patbingsoo and tried to picture it written in Hangul. I’m still at “pen and paper” levels of this lesson though and can’t yet visualize the sounds, so when I came back to work, I grabbed my Korean notebook. As I scribbled out the Hangul characters 팥빙수, I thought to myself, “This is probably wrong, but at least it’s a starting point.” So I wrote out what I thought it might be and then looked it up online AND I WAS RIGHT?!?! I was so excited that I cried out my achievement to Lauren, who asked if she could see it written out, so I took my notebook over to her and she was like *supportive words!* and it was a very nice, encouraging moment. Someone on Instagram told me that they lived in Korea for a year and barely learned it, so I’m determined to keep going. It definitely isn’t easy, but even the very very very little I have learned so far has been worth it. Henry said my obsessions are annoying, and I’m like ㅗㅗ. 

3. RUNNING MAN: Oh my god, Running Man. Henry and I watch it every day and laugh so hard. Sometimes Henry gets so excited, that he has to stand up! (Sike. I have no idea why he’s standing in this picture. I think he just came home from the store and stopped to see what was going on, who knows. HENRY IS A MYSTERY.) But this show has been helping me practice Korean and I’m so attached to the RM members which always happens to me so then when it inevitably ends, I’m going to need antidepressants probably. My favorite is Ha Ha and I can spell his name because it’s only like the same two characters repeated. I’m remedial, OK?! I made Glenn watch a clip from one of my favorite episodes but didn’t realize I sent him without subtitles so even though he was SORT OF laughing, he was angry that he couldn’t understand it. I should send Todd a clip and send him down the rabbit hole, like when I sent him a Bledfest video and then he spent the next hour watching videos of guys hardcore dancing. I’m good at brainwashing my co-workers. 

4. INTERNATIONAL CANDY: I already mentioned my Halloween pumpkin full of Asian sweets on here, but I added some additional international flavor to the mix this past week with an assortment of what we believe to be Russian confections? Some type of Eastern European? Greek? I don’t know, but I purchased them at the international market next to the Hollywood Theater (Janna’s d-bag friend was like, “What makes this candy special?” and I was like “LOOK AT THE WRAPPERS, IDIOT.” God, that guy suxxxxxx. Anyway, the general consensus of the Russian chocolates was “they’re OK,” with some “ew”s and “it’s strange” thrown into the mix. Wendy spit one out, and I will admit that there was one I had that had jelly inside, like a thick, gooey block of cheap-tasting gummy, and I wanted to spit it out but this candy was inexplicably expensive so I swallowed and had so many regrets. Lauren thought that they were OK until she heard me tell someone that it was like “not-quite-chocolate” and then after that it never tasted right to her. Sad chocolate, is what it was. Meanwhile, Gayle had apparently tried one of the White Rabbit red bean taffys and had a LOT to opine. “It was PUTRID!” she said, folding up her face into an anti-red bean pamphlet. “Well, don’t eat it then!” I said all huffily, and the air in our quadrant immediately grew pregnant with tension. She went on to say more disparaging things, and I yelled, “YOU’RE OFFENDING ME. THERE’S AN ENTIRE COUNTRY THAT LOVES RED BEAN!” and Gayle calmly said, “Well, they can have it!” before walking away. I was so incensed! Like I had cooked and pulled that fucking taffy in my own kitchen! With my own muscles! Glenn muttered something about hostile work environment and Lauren was like “…….” and I can’t remember who else was standing there now but I know my face was red and I can’t believe I was so upset about this! “That was like an affront to your people,” Glenn said, and I know he was probably joking but EVEN SO, HE WAS RIGHT. I am so protective of S. Korea. Anyway, this facilitated an entire conversation about red bean and adventurous candy later that afternoon, and three people (Lauren, Lori, and Amber) tried the red bean taffy and while they weren’t exactly breaking out into Mentos commercial reenactments, they all admitted that it wasn’t bad at all! I mean sure, the weird, translucent, flaky wrapping on it is mildly concerning, but I’ve been ingesting it for several weeks now and I don’t think I’ve experienced any internal bleeding or whatnot. I’ve been trying to explain that red bean is used in a ton of Korean desserts, and I think that the next logical step is for me to bring in some Samanco! (I’m going to make you try it, GAYLE!!!)

Meanwhile, Wendy rejected the preserved kumquats because she felt like she was eating flesh, so then I mistakenly relayed this info to Todd, who decided he had to try one after that and AGREED WITH WENDY, saying he felt like he was chewing on an earlobe, which concerned Lauren because it was so oddly specific. The Hi-Chews have been a big hit though. Wendy used her shirt as a shopping bag after discovering them, walking off with a fistful of candy nice and snug in her makeshift shirt-bag. 

Candy brings us all together, you guys. 

Lots of words, little substance. The usual!

안양 !

4 comments

• I woke up the other night to a commotion that had Boots’ name written all over it. I sincerely thought he was back next door and my heart started racing. Should I call the police? Grab my battle ax? Weep quietly in the shower? But turns out it was just my asshole cats recreating the sounds of a construction site with their tiny but mighty bodies. Honestly, how are such small creatures so destructive? They pretty much knocked over anything in Chooch’s room that wasn’t bolted down, and even managed to move my desk chair. Granted, I didn’t actually SEE them doing this so it could have very well been a poltergeist or the Man in the Attic. But Drew looked really fucking guilty when I confronted her in the morning.

• At Crazy Mocha the other day, the barista stared at me quietly after I placed my order and said, “Your hair almost blends right into your coat.” And then there was another pregnant pause while she gave my hair/coat combo another once-over before finally making my fucking latte, and I spent that time giving myself 7 chins while looking down to see what she was seeing. And that’s when I realized that SHE WAS RIGHT. My coat has tan faux-fur on it, but the coarse kind, like a lion’s mane, and it appears to be an extension of my hair. This made me kind of happy because I’m a Leo and I’ve been told before that I look like a lion so roar, motherfuckers. (I still think I look like a turtle though.)
  • Also, file this under Awkward Crazy Mocha Convos. I should just start a category for that on here because they happen so frequently.

• Henry still takes an abundance of naps.
• We’re going to Cleveland tomorrow for a succulent convention which is great except that I can’t bring any succulents into the house anymore (see first bullet point re: tiny bulldozers). However, I’m really excited because we’re probably going to go to Melt and I love Melt because do you know me? Grilled cheese would be my last meal if I was on death row. Also, Melt is ultra accommodating to vegetarians, OH WHICH I AM. I know it’s hard to remember all the things I am when I don’t hashtag my shit constantly. “There are only, like, two grilled cheeses on the menu that can’t be made vegetarian and guess what one is?!” I cried to Amber and Glenn. Glenn didn’t take the bait, but Amber said slowly, “Um….is it something Korean?” “YES it’s the KOREAN BBQ” I wailed. All of the other meat/chicken ones can be made with seitan or other soy-based meat substitutes SO WHY NOT THE KOREAN BBQ. Ugh, I just  know that’s what Henry is going to order, too.

• I wore green today even though St. Patrick’s Day got no jams in my book. (THAT MEANS IT’S NO FUN FOR ME. #kpopslang)
• OMG last week, Henry causally told me that he drove a school bus for a month in 1989!? And he never, until now, found that this was significant enough to tell me?! Anyway, the route he drove was through one of the worst neighborhoods in the city and he said it was awful, and luckily he got a different job and was able to quit. (Henry’s one of those Adults who never quits a job without having another one lined up – I have never once done that, lol. I’m like I QUIT and then I get home and it’s like OH FUCK.) Anyway, I couldn’t stop laughing about this. It was almost as funny as the time he told me he was a paperboy or when he mentioned that the apartment he had before he moved in with me had steps that went to the basement and I became so obsessed with this that I still crack up to this day when I think about it, LIKE I AM RIGHT NOW, and then he gets so angry because he doesn’t understand why it’s funny.
  • I’m not sure, either, actually. IT JUST IS. I remember writing about it on MYSPACE. So it must have had an impact on me.

• My Korean textbooks finally arrived! Stupid Chooch opened the package while I was at work because he knew it would incense me AND HE WAS RIGHT. I’m going to start my studies on Sunday so DON’T FUCKING BOTHER ME.

• I wore this pin to work on Thursday and had to say, “But don’t really, because I haven’t learned it yet” to everyone who read my pin. My goal is to be able to read and understand it enough to get by, but I do not have high aspirations to be able to actually speak it because I can barely speak English. This morning, in the kitchen at work, I was talking to Carrie and what I wanted to say was, “Did she know” but TWICE IN A ROW I said, “Did she knew.” DID SHE KNEW. And as I was saying it the first time, I tried to stop myself, I even held up a finger as though to say “let me try this again” so I started over and said the exact same thing again. Carrie very soothingly said, “It’s OK. I know what you were trying to say” and in my mind, I was playing a reel of all the instances where I could have suffered head injuries in my sleep because something is definitely happening to me. HENRY, WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN MY FOOD.

• I walked to Lotus Foods on my break yesterday and brought back a beautiful assortment for my work peeps (the adventurous ones, anyway). The preserved kumquats are  out of this world, you guys. Even Amber liked it and she might be one of my biggest skeptics (probably because she has witnessed me fuck with so many people). My personal favorite is the red bean taffy which I give everyone a disclaimer when they reach for it and usually that results in them dropping it and taking something else. But look – this is a candy that you have to work for. It starts out hard and plastic-y (Nate described it as tasting like grass in the beginning stages) but then once it begins to soften, that’s when that sweetly pungent red bean flavor fills your mouth. Nate thought it was “actually ok” and Glenn said he was surprised at how good it ended up being. But it warrants a quick explanation because I don’t want someone giving up after a second and wasting it!! I love red bean. I also exotic candy! There’s a middle eastern grocery store near my house that has a dazzling array of foreign candies and I might stop there this weekend and grab some to mix up the diversity of my jack o’lantern. I like interesting flavors, OK?!

• Today’s Friday video was BIGBANG’s Sober, because I haven’t forced BIGBANG on my work friends in a few weeks. I lifted the ban and let Glenn watch it and he actually finished the whole thing and had nothing negative to say! But I mean, it’s BIGBANG and G-Dragon is a perfect angel baby and if I ever saw him in person, be ready to bury me. G-Dragon’s sweater in this video was the inspo for the blazer we made Chooch a few weeks ago. The more you know.

Um, I don’t know what else. My life is just so fucking exciting. Maybe next week I’ll talk about the fucking Planned Parenthood protesters who impede my walk space every goddamn day when I’m on my lunch break because WHY SHOULD I CHANGE MY ROUTE?  Or I don’t know, what else do you want me to talk about. Leave one of those invisible ink comments.

Another post full of bulleted nonsense. Such a blogger. Imagine if I had actually finished college and got that English writing degree.  (I just imagined it and I’m greeting people at Walmart.)

• For a brief window last weekend, Henry had taken over the TV and put on English programming, which was mildly annoying, but at least it was some Gordon Ramsay thing on YouTube and not American bullshit. When Gordon said “rack of lamb” and I was shocked because I was fully expecting him to say “rackalacka,” I knew it was time to get some rest in a dark room somewhere underground, probably for the rest of winter, next to a bear.
• We got some snow two weeks ago, when Boots was still our neighbor, and Henry texted me at work to tell me that he was shoveling his sidewalk with a drywall knife. I turned around to immediately inform Glenn of this update, because my co-workers are invested in this drama. Then after a brief pause, I said, “I don’t even know what that is.” A minute later, I received an email from Glenn with a picture of a drywall knife. “Oh. Yeah, if I had been home, I would have just thought he was using a sharp dustpan.” THE IRONY IS THAT MY PAPPAP OWNED A DRYWALL COMPANY, LOL. I clearly only paid attention to the shiny things that drywall company afforded me to have.
• Speaking of! There was a discussion about cough drops one day at work, and Nate and I agreed that Ricola are superior, the actually Bae of Cough Suppressants. “I got to blow into one of those ricola horns in Switzerland,” I not-so-humblebragged. Glenn needed more information, so I explained that we were at a dinner show for my 10th birthday, and the performers were letting people on stage to blow into those horns they play in the Ricola commercials (hence “ricola horn” duh) and my family was totally shocked that I went up on my accord to participate because I was so shy when I was that age. “Wow, your grandparents took you all over the place, didn’t they,” Glenn said, for once not saying anything disparaging about one of my beautiful stories. “Yeah,”  I laughed. “It didn’t really prepare me for being a poor adult.”
• There’s this song by Girl’s Generation called “Lion heart” and every time I hear it, the beginning of it sounds similar to an older song from the 70s and it was driving me NUTS because I couldn’t think of it. So I played Lion Heart for Henry and he was like QUESTION MARK. All I could come up with was that the song I was thinking of was in the Jacki Sorensen Encore aerobics video I used to fuck with all the time when I was younger, and Henry was like, “Yeah, that clue doesn’t help me at all.” Anyway, I was able to find a tracklist for that Jacki Sorensen VHS (I CAN BUY IT ON VINYL FOR $4!!!) and immediately knew it was Rita Coolidge’s classic late 70s hit “Higher and Higher.” So I played it for Henry back to back with Lion Heart and he just gave me a noncommittal shrug in response. ANYWAY, I’m only telling you this because the next night we went to Eat n Park for dinner and while Henry was at the salad bar, HIGHER AND HIGHER came on so I started yelling, “Henry!!!” was desperately pointing at the speakers in the ceiling while trying to mime “LISTEN TO WHAT SONG IT IS” and it took him awhile but then he understood and laughed. What the fuck is up with Eat n Park and their psychic soundsystem? This just happened two weeks ago when Chooch was singing “Summer of ’69” and it started playing at the same time. Something else happened there too, music-related, but now I can’t remember, however, I can remember the table we were sitting at. So there’s that. Also, Boz Scaggs.

I mean, it’s not exact, but it was similar enough to trigger a correlation in my brain, so step off.

• If you don’t work with me, you won’t care about this, but we’ve implemented a red light as an AUDIT ALERT. Sandy actually had this idea about a year ago, but for some reason, we never did anything about it. Then on Friday, Lou came out of the printer room with an audit in his hand and said, “There really needs to be a light or something that will let us know when there are audits over there.” Long story short: audits are the only thing we do I our department un-electronically. Like, we actually print that shit out and put it in a tray for someone to pick up. It’s very vintage. Anyway, after Lou said that, I pulled out the old lamp that I used three Halloweens ago when I decorated my desk like a funeral home. It’s just been chillin’ under my desk this whole time. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU’LL FIND UNDER THERE, OK. There were no available outlets to plug it in over where the audits actually reside, but since most of the people who handle the audits sit near me, we felt that putting it on the ledge next to my desk would suffice. Commence a day full of Red Light District and Roxanne jokes.
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  I turned it on once to try it out and Chris came running out of his office in fake audit panic. When there actually was an audit, I turned on the lamp but then panicked because it was so bright, so then I blurted out, “LOU THERE’S AN AIUDIT!” and turned off the lamp. Todd and Glenn were simultaneously like, “What the hell is the point of the lamp if you’re just going to yell that there’s an audit?” and then they were mocking me and saying, “LOU, DINNER’S READY” because I guess I sounded like his mom, ugh. “This is going to have a Pavlov’s effect on them,” Glenn mumbled.

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  “They’re going to start drooling every time the light turns on.” Then I proposed that I start chucking Asian candy at whoever brings the audit back to me and everyone seemed on board with that idea. I’m going to look for spiky ones next time I’m at the Asian market.

• Anyway, all this succeeded in doing was setting off my Giddy Meter, and I had to put my head down at one point because I was choking on giggles. And this reminded me of the time in 8th grade when my homeroom teacher put a chair in the hallway and made me sit out there every time I was overcome with giddiness.
  • Being this giddy and thinking about 8th grade gave me flashbacks to the GREATEST STORY OF MY WHOLE LIFE, and that is one about The Man Who Crossed the Street. This is a TRUE STORY which you can read by clicking that link but if you had the good fortune of sitting near me at work on Friday, then you got to hear me regale a bunch of confused ears with a real life re-telling of this story, in between actual chokes on laughter. After work, I was trying to tell Henry that I told everyone this story but I started laughing all over again and he was just like, “Oh god, that story? I’ll never understand why it’s so funny.” Then Henry said that he wouldn’t be surprised if my giddy bray got me moved to solitary confinement at work, or Gayle’s hallway.
  • What this taught me is that I’m basically the same person I was in 8th grade. I think I’m OK with that.
    • My only explanation is that I had two head injuries during my formative years. Cut me some slack, you guys.
      • Toward the end of the day, Sue came over and said, “OK Lucy, ‘splain” and nodded toward the lamp. She seemed shock that this was actually work-related and admitted that she thought Glenn was trying to be mean to me (LOL, “trying”). Then she said, “But where did the lamp come from?” And I was like, “Oh, it’s from my funeral desk.” After she walked away, I said to Lauren, “That sounds so normal in my head….” and Lauren finished, “But every time you say it out loud, it’s like you realize and then you stutter!” and then oh how we laughed.
        • My favorite part was when Sandy walked by and announced, “Ooh, the audit light’s on! There’s an audit!” and then Ethan came out of his office to get the audit, so Sandy said, “See, it works!” “I didn’t know the light was on until I heard you say that the light was on,” Ethan said, dashing all of our hopes and dreams.

(^^^SEE? IT WAS A BIG DEAL.)

• Henry’s kimbap and banchan is off the charts lately. He even taught (I almost typed “teached” there – so what you’re telling me is that I’d be a great candidate for US Secretary of Education) Chooch how to roll kimbap after he expressed interest. EVERYTHING RULES IN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW.
  
• You know what America needs? A fucking hero. Maybe it could have been HENRY if he hadn’t gone AWOL from the SERVICE all those years ago. Good one, Henry. Can I nominate G-Dragon as our hero?
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• One of my work friends asked me if I got my hair cut the other day and I said no because my memory might be malfunctioning on the daily but I knew for a fact that I haven’t been to a salon in a very long time, but then hours later, I replayed that short conversation in my head and realized that I’M A LIAR because I had recently cut my own hair, so yes – yes, I did get my hair cut. I swear I’m not a pathological liar.
  • I honestly cut my hair with half-rusted scissors and get more compliments now than when I paid $100 at a salon. HOW.
  • I cut my hair myself because I love the sound of scissors on dry hair. Fight me.
• Last night, Henry was watching live BIGBANG performances on YouTube all on his own. He’s never done that with any other band I like, just saying.
• I just told Chooch he’s annoying and Henry snapped, “you’re both annoying.”

ON THAT NOTE.

Here’s some weekend pictures and words, like a PICTUREBOOK. Which is really more than I’m capable of producing anymore. My brain. It’s deflating. For instance, today I couldn’t figure out why the elevator wasn’t coming and then I realized, “OH IT’S BECAUSE I’M STANDING HERE SLAPPING MY ID BADGE AT THE BUTTON INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY PRESSING IT WITH MY FINGER.”

Anyway, proceed to the bullets.

• There was only one low point to the weekend and of course it was Boots related. First, here’s a picture of his refrigerator, a/k/a his bedroom window ledge. I think I mentioned recently that he has some dude living over there now. Well, they were fighting like TWO BITCHES Saturday morning. From what I could gather, Boots was angry because Guy had his bedroom door locked, and Guy was like, “BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO REST, MOTHERFUCKER! I JUST WANT TO DRINK MY COFFEE AND EAT MY FUCKING DONUT WITHOUT YOU BOTHERING ME!” and then Boots was all “*BACKWOODS BARKING*” and all I could get out of it was “RENT” and Guy was like, “I PAY MY RENT MOTHERFUCKER! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE ANY MONEY!” and then more shit about how Boots doesn’t have any friends (the recurring theme here is friends and money) and then Guy said something about going in his bag and seeing that three packs were missing so it sounds like Boots is stealing from him, JUST LIKE HOW HE STOLE PHYLLIS’S CEREAL! It sounds like Boots was following him around the house like a pest, and then Boots left and slithered down the street like Gumby (that’s what Todd calls him because he said when I was imitating him at work, I looked like Gumby).
  • The rest of the day was SLAM SLAM SLAM with that front door and finally I straight lost my mind and started screaming at the wall and Henry hissed, “ERIN STOP” but I couldn’t! I have so much pent up rage from every part of my life that I just funneled it all out against our shared wall and called him every insulting synonym for “uneducated motherfucker” that I could muster and I started throwing my shoes against the wall for good measure and Henry was just like, “OK whatever, you cant be stopped.”
    • My favorite part was later that night when we were walking home from Eat n Park and Boots was walking down the sidewalk toward us, which made me excited because I wanted to do something, and I could see Henry visibly clench and attempt to grab my wrist which is what that big brute does when he’s trying to box me in (lol, just kidding – he can’t contain me), but it was too late: as Boots passed us, I started making full-body vomiting noises, which naturally cracked up Chooch but totally disappointed Henry. “Why do you have to act like that?!” he cried, and then stormed off ahead of his preteen kids.

• Henry made gyeranmari for breakfast on Sunday and I said a low key religious spell in my head so that I NEVER EVER EVER LOSE HIM. Find yourself someone who can keep up when your lifestyle changes on a whim.

• That time Chooch was singing “Summer of ’69” and then it came on at Eat n Park. 🔮
• At some point over the weekend, I had to explain to Henry what “shipping” means, as in “I ship this fictional character with that fictional character” or like, “I ship Donald Trump with a fiery pit of acid tires.” He just can’t ever grasp the concept of shipping, I guess because he’s a 51-year-old man and not a teenager or 30-something woman on the Internet.

• Saturday evening nap (see also: proof that I sometimes “allow” #poorHenry to sleep).
• Guys, Chooch has finally crossed over to the beautiful Korean side of the house and has admitted that he likes BIGBANG and that TOP is his bias. He even designed his Sims character after TOP! I also tricked him into doing KpopX with me at first he was so put-out about it, but then last night he ripped his headphones off and cried, “You’re doing Russian Roulette without me?!?!” and ran over to join me in whipping my hands around like guns. He’s also really into a routine we do for Hyuna’s “How This” which is basically one long aggressive pelvic thrust.
  • Speaking of Sims, Chooch had a 45 minute meltdown Saturday night because he couldn’t get TOP to go into his house, and then, very calmly, he said, “Oh. I didn’t have a door on my house.” And then the house went back to being quiet. LOL JK our house is never quiet are you kidding. It sounds like one endless concert in here always.

• Fucked with Chooch’s hair and seriously peed my pants a little when it came out like this. I made him an actual hair appointment for Friday and he chose one of TOP’s hairstyles to show the barber! I tried not to squeal too loud because as soon as he knows that something pleases me, he’ll do the opposite.
• There’s a picture of the barber on the salon’s website and he looks like a total hipster so if he can’t curate Chooch’s locks in a similar fashion as TOP’s, I’m going to kick over his PBR.

• This is not the barber. This is TOP. He’s enlisting in the Korean military in TWO DAYS ugh. TT.TT

• My favorite thing about Sundays is that Chooch has his piano lesson and his teacher Cheryl lives minutes away from the Asian market mecca otherwise known as the Strip District. These are the only grocery stores I will willingly walk into. We stocked up on more dragonfruit and I bought more questionable candy for work. IT’S KIND OF WHAT I’M KNOWN FOR. Well, maybe just in certain circles.
  • Henry bought more Samanco for himself. He think he’s so fucking cool.
• Todd was so disappointed on Monday when I told him that not only did Henry not watch the Superbowl, but he WENT AND DID LAUNDRY during it and then came home and watched Korean variety shows with me and Chooch. “And he seemed content!” I said. “Henry’s killing me,” Todd said with faux-sadness.
  • Honestly, I really dislike football. I was really shocked that I even knew that the Patriots were in it! However, I for real have never even heard of the Falcons. I wasn’t convinced that it was a real team.

I think my new sign-off is just going to be a different BIGBANG video every time. Get into it or get over it. YOUR CHOICE.

*I might need to make this an actual category.

Here’s your weekly garbage dump of sloppy sentences.

• The cats when Chooch makes a noise.
• The biggest news I think I have right now is that WE FINALLY QUIT CABLE. Well, we tried to, anyway. We’ve been talking about cutting the cord for years now, and we ALMOST did it last summer but then I had hockey remorse so we didn’t cancel. But finally, I realized, “Holy shit, we literally never watch real TV.” It’s always Netflix and YouTube! Plus we have Roku. And the few times I do put on real TV, I’m like, “Holy shit, there is literally nothing I want to watch” so then I put on CNN and feel depressed, then switch to Food Network and watch a show about cupcakes that I’ve already seen but maybe not, but aren’t they all the same?! So Henry called Comcast on Saturday and stayed firm throughout the whole conversation, all the way up until the part where he said, “We just want to keep the Internet” and then found out that we would actually be charged so much more for our Internet usage that we would basically still be paying the same amount we pay for all these channels we don’t watch!!! So in the end, he got it knocked down to the very basic package, no HD, no DVR, but we still have Internet and the bill is over $100 less than it was so ONE STEP CLOSER TO KOREA, basically.
  • I guess I will still be able to watch the Penguins games too, just not on an HD channel. That’s OK, I still like hockey even when it’s all stretched out.
• Last week, I emailed my Friday Kpop Video recipients a Bigbang video (this one, if you’re interested), and Todd was like, “This actually isn’t bad” but Glenn turned it off after about a minute and said, “That’s enough of that.” I posted about it on Facebook and FOUR of my work friends said they wanted to subscribe to Friday Kpop Video and I was so excited about this! I told Henry that I started a new craze at work and he said, “What, the ‘Get Away From Erin Quickly’ phase?” Ugh.

• The angst has been transferred.

• Hopefully, by the time Warped Tour rolls around, I’ll have a desire to go to an American music festival.
  • One thing I’ll tell you about being a fan of Warped Tour-ish bands and living in America: the amount of chances you have to see your favorite bands is off the charts. There are shows I skip because I just saw that band a few months ago and it’s no big deal to just shrug it off, you know? But now that I’ve brainwashed myself with kpop, I feel FUCKING TRAGIC. Not only do they rarely come to the States, they also seem to disband at alarming rates. And the boys all have to enlist in the Korean army, no matter what! Which isn’t that big of deal to me because, unlike with our music, I find myself gravitating more toward the girls groups. However, my ultimate idol group, Bigbang, are all enlisting within the next two years, starting next month for the first one, and I am wrecked over this because who knows if they will even still want to continue Bigbang when they’re all out?! I MIGHT NEVER GET TO SEE THEM. And believe me I am prepared to travel across the world for them because my sasaeng fandom is real.
    • Let me tell you a real life story that happened this morning: When I woke up, all of this military stuff hit me like REALLY HARD and I started frantically texting Henry, you know, like this is our own son enlisting and not five Korean men I have never met in my whole life. Henry was like, “It will be OK.” Or some other fatherly thing, because he knows that in times like these, it’s best to tiptoe around the Crazy. So then I was on the trolley, reading more stuff about it on my phone and trying not to cry because my Trolley Hero was sitting next to me (seriously, she will tell people to move over if they’re hoarding an empty seat next to them and I think she’s so badass for that), and so by the time I got to work, I was like GLENN GUESS WHAT and before I knew it, TEARS WERE FALLING OUT OF MY EYES as I was telling him about Bigbang and he had this “OMG” look on his face, like he was wondering if he should call 911 because I was finally having that public breakdown that all of the psychics have been calling for years. So then in a fit of confusion, I started laughing WHILE crying because I was so embarrassed that I was crying in front of Glenn so then I think he thought I was just being dumb, but little did he know, 15 minutes late I was secretly crying at my desk again. I AM WRECKED OVER THIS, LEAVE ME ALONE.

• At work today, we were talking about the flu and Glenn mumbled something about how he went to the doctor and doesn’t have the plague after all. “Oh, were you sick?” I asked, honestly surprised because hello, Little Miss Solipsistic over here. “Uh yeah, didn’t you hear me coughing all last week?” he asked all incredulously, I guess because he sits right behind me. “Oh, I thought you were just choking,” I shrugged.
  • And then I came home and told Henry this story, at which point I started coughing so hard I choked.
• Hey speaking of karma: Yesterday, I made fun of the gif that was on our department Wiki page because it said Happy Valetine’s Day. Valentine was spelled wrong, and I always get super self-righteous about that. So I was all, “kekekeke mispellings lol.” And then today Amber2 said something about how I always get so mad about typos and grammatical errors and I was all, “FUCK YEAH EDUCATION” and SERIOUSLY THREE MINUTES LATER I went on Facebook to reply to a comment and saw this:

• We has a baby shower, guys! Of course that post already had like 150 views but what do I care, everyone already knows I write like English is my second language. Then a few hours later, I texted Henry and it said, “I just want to ran away.” I JUST WANT TO RAN AWAY!?!? OMG am I having mini-strokes in my sleep? You would never know I excelled in every English class I ever had. I guess when I move to Korea, teaching English won’t be an option. There’s always KpopX instructor, though!
• Last week at work was January Birthday Celebration day, so Shannon sent out an email saying that there was cake and cookies over on some table in another area of the department. I was having a Bad Day, so I decided, “You know what, it might not be bingsoo or chapssaltteok, but I’m going to get myself a goddamn cookie.” So I went over to the table and there WERE NO COOKIES. There were CUPCAKES. I have been burnt too many times by bad cupcakes (I’m picky) so I actually stamped my feet a little bit and cried, “There aren’t any cookies!” but there was no around to hear my anguish, so I made sure that I did a replay when I went back to my area. Todd and Glenn were like, “oh well” but Shannon overheard my outburst and sent out a new email to the department explaining that she meant “cupcakes” and not “cookies” and that she was sorry if she got anyone’s hopes up (…..Erin). OH SNAP! That moment when you’re called out in a department-wide email for being a crybaby! I laughed so hard and it made my day better, cookies or not. Sandy told me that she and Missy were also duped by the cookie false alarm, so that made me feel better. And Todd admitted that he also was stoked for cookies, but that when he saw there weren’t any, he thought, “Oh, but there are cupcakes!” and just had a cupcake instead. MUST BE NICE HAVING LOW STANDARDS.

• Lol, Henry eats his tteokbokki with a fork like a dummy. In all seriousness though, my kpop diet is going amazingly well. When I did Weight Watchers, I lost weight to a point and then I plateau’d forever. I also was so hungry and tired all of the time, because it’s just not a great diet for a vegetarian to be on, so exercising was a drag and something I had to force myself to do. But my weight was just like, “Nah, I’m good right here at this number.” Since I started my completely made-up K-Diet which started as a joke, I’ve lost 7 pounds in 3 weeks (that’s a lot for me because I lose weight slowly) but I can see a big difference in how my clothes fit, plus I’m never hungry now that I’m eating mostly Korean food and I have so much energy to do KpopX and all my other kpop aerobics. It really is a new lifestyle. Before Henry’s mom came over on Sunday, I asked him if she knows I’m Korean now and he said, “No. Because you’re not.” Whatever Henry. You don’t know. “Well, yeah, actually I do,” he said.

• While Henry was on the aforementioned phone call with Comcast last Saturday, Chooch and I were stalking Boots from all of the windows. Some broad came over with shit for him I guess and he was standing in MY FRONTYARD, screaming, “Just pull down the fucking driveway!!!” because he is unable to talk without swearing. So the broad pulled down the driveway and he extracted a large suitcase. I’ve been putting two and two together and now I think that whoever this new broad is has moved in with him?! She was banging on our window earlier this window and almost gave Judy a heart attack. Then she screamed, “SORRY WRONG HOUSE” and started banging on Boots’ door while screaming, “YOU LOCKED ME OUT!!!” Then about an hour later, I was trying to eat my ramyeon dinner and heard them over there fighting, so hooray. There’s a new Phyllis in town. :(

• I had to cancel an ice cream date on Saturday with Chris & Monica because we had too much to do for the baby shower (that we was hazzing the next day, you guys, that we was hazzing) but luckily I had a B*B*Big as a replacement.
• Henry just told Chooch to “stop being like mommy and crying.” WOW.

• Henry: “How many times are you going to watch this fucking thing?” A MILLION TIMES A DAY, HENRY. I can’t believe I wasted so many years on Jonny Craig when G-Dragon was out there in Korea being a billion times more perfect. Henry is in hallyu hell.
  • OMG I just started sobbing again, someone please send help. This latest bipolar crash is going to be a long way down. :(

<3<3<3<3<3<3

And now you know what happens when I try to escape reality: I motherfucking imprint with an entire country. Signing off with this video that I watch EVERY DAY because That.Falsetto. Ughhhhhh. I’m in deep. This is on par with the height of my Cure mania and I’m really scared.

Some things, in a list.

• You could turn pictures of my house into a goddamn I Spy book. Some days I think that’s awesome, but then other days I want to get industrial-sized garbage bags and go on a decluttering spree. (Don’t worry, it would only be Henry and Chooch’s shit though.)
• I had to type out”Connecticut” at work today and I just stared at it like HOW CAN THAT BE RIGHT. 
• Henry said he had a dream the other night that we got married. Notice he said DREAM and not NIGHTMARE. Making progress! We might actually be wed before Chooch!

• This was my favorite painting in my grandma’s clown room. My mom brought it over for me last week. Bitter-fucking-sweet. It’s still my dream to have my own clown room one day in honor of my grandparents. I have a ton in my collection already but I need an entire room for it and this house doesn’t have it.
• Too bad I ran out of people to send Greetings From Erin’s Lunch Break postcards to, because last week’s would have been a great one. I was walking back to work while on my lunch break when some young guy walked past me and, in a very concerned voice, called out, “You dropped your turtles!” I spun around and cried, “What OMG no—-wait….” and then he pointed at me said, “Gotchu!” and I responded with a “ha, you got me!” face and it was a total Mentos moment. This was a few minutes after I got busted at the Point talking to my shoe.
  • What? It had come untied for the fourth time on my walk (Henry thinks this is because I “tie them wrong” but he can go fuck himself, really) and, while I was crouched down retying it, I cried, “Untied again? Man, fuck you, shoe” just as some man walked by and chuckled. Oh, like he doesn’t talk to his shoes too.

• I decided that my life is sorely missing the days of exotic fruit salads, so I made Henry go to the Asian market with me on our day off on Monday. (“Just how I wanted to spend my day off” he mumbled, and I was like, “OH THEN LET’S STAY HOME AND YOU CAN START CLEANING YOUR SHIT OUT OF THE ATTIC, ASSHOLE” — suddenly, he had the car keys in his hand and was ushering us out of the house.) We went to Lotus instead of Oriental Market which is where we typically go but I couldn’t bear the thought of McKnight Rd (it just makes me angry) and the selection was semi-OK. I got various Asian pears and dragonfruit, but the vegetables was where it was at, you guys. We got purple and regular yams, pumpkin, some squash thing, and TARO – I fucking love taro. There used to be a froyo place nearby that we went to a lot and sometimes they would have TARO froyo, and fresh JACKFRUIT AND LONGAN toppings. Yeah boi. Anyway, right after this, I decided that I should just adopt a full Korean diet to go along with my kpop workouts so now I’ve been sending Henry all kinds of vegetarian Korean recipes, none of which he’s made me yet. Instead, he just made various vegetables (like woodear mushrooms, which taste much better when they’re not a dessert!), udon, and tofu and was like, “I DON’T KNOW IF THIS IS KOREAN, BUT YOU’RE GOING TO EAT IT” and he’s right — I ate it. And it was wonderous. I love my new lifestyle!

• After watching the 18th video of American girls reacting to Kpop music videos, Henry mumbled that he hates when I get obsessed with things and I’m like dude, that’s my personality. When he first met me, I had literally just come back from seeing The Cure in Australia because OBSESSED. That should have been his signal to opt out!
  • Anyway, this isn’t an obsession. This is my new lifestyle. I decided that since the kpop obsession came back to me after I let it free, then it is TRULY MEANT TO BE. (I went through a heavy k-obsession in my early 20s until Comcast decided that the international channels were too premium to be loafing in the basic tier.)
    • Also, they play Carly Rae Jepsen in the background of a lot of the Korean videos I watch on YouTube. <3

• I woke henry up to ask him what he’s making me to take to work for dinner since I’m late shift and he said, “There are frozen meals in the freezer.” Um, they’re not K-frozen meals? “Not everything is going to be Korean!” he yelled, to which I replied, “Well yeah actually it is because this is my life now.” And that dickhead had the audacity to tell me I better learn how to cook then. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A THREAT. 

• Can someone please teach my kid how to eat? I deemed 2017 the year of expanding Chooch’s dietary horizons. He is so fucking picky and it makes it even harder now that he is a vegetarian. I mean, we can only feed him so many faux-chicken nuggets. (Lol @ “we.”) He’ll eat tofu, but he is so stubborn with everything else. We took him to Salem’s Market after the Asian market and tried to get him to eat falafel and he said he liked it but basically didn’t want to taste it again. And also, he hated the lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and “weird sauce.” So then he was like, “Maybe I would like it better if it wasn’t wrapped up” and so he dumped it all out and then proceeded to just eat the rest of his French fries and I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN HIM. He’s supposed to be my partner in vegetarian…crime? If Henry will ever get off his ass and make me some bibambap, maybe he’ll like that.
  • LOL, yeah right.
• Chooch was watching videos on the TV in his room the other night and couldn’t hear screaming for him to turn it down, so Henry was all, “I’ll take care of this” and opened the Roku app on his phone and hit “listen privately” which basically muted it I guess, so we heard a brief window of silence, and then Chooch mutter, “…the fuck.” Then he figured out how to turn the volume back on, so Henry did it again. Now Chooch was getting agitated. (He goes from 0 to 100 in a second, just like his beautiful, amazing mommy.) He started swearing and then the “DADDY!!!! COME HERE!!!!” started. Henry was like, “Nope.” So Chooch turned the volume back on and then Henry turned the entire TV off from his phone and now Chooch was ENRAGED and screaming for Henry to come and help him. So he got it turned back on and Henry went up to act concerned, while I started playing videos of this American girl teaching kpop choreography, which Chooch HATES. So then he started to CRY because he was so freaked out and I swear to god we did this to him before, did he forget?! So I just kept turning the kpop girl video back on, over and over, until Henry called downstairs for me to stop because Chooch was actually THAT UPSET. Apparently, he thought his TV broke or something — YEAH RIGHT, HE THOUGHT THE MAN IN THE ATTIC STRUCK AGAIN. I went upstairs about an hour later, and as I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth, Chooch started yelling at me from his room about how blah blah blah, he wasn’t scared, just pissed, etc etc, so I swapped out whatever dumb YouTube video he was watching for a scene from The Exorcist. SWEET DREAMS, BOO THANG.

• Speaking of Chooch and his dumb YouTube videos, I bought him some YouTuber’s “memoirs” for Xmas, against Henry’s better judgment, and that son of bitch wolfed down those words with his eyeballs in two days. I had the vague sense that this book was inappropriate, and Chooch started telling me parts of it, and I was like OK STOP LALALALA.
  • He was cracking up pretty hard while reading it so I said, “So, it’s kind of like reading my blog, right?” and he said, “Uh….well….it’s just that….his life is actually interesting.” WOW.
    • JUST WOW. TT
• I went for a walk around Brookline the other day and was shocked to see that a bar spelled “potato” correctly on their sidewalk menu. Proud of them!
• I figured something out over the weekend: Chooch’s wardrobe doesn’t have enough sequins. I’m doing a shitty job as his stylist. :/
• OK confession: for the entire month of December, I had on the radio station that plays all Xmas music, all the time, because I was trying to torture Boots and Phyllis since my bedroom radio is right up against our shared wall. Not sure if it worked, but it definitely tortured ME in the process. I’m so thankful it’s over, because if I had to hear Taylor Swift’s version of Santa Baby one more time…it is so fucking sterile and asexual! She should’ve changed the lyrics to be about an actual baby.

OK,  I’m out. I have to go find a YouTube tutorial on how to tell my kid to take a fucking shower in Korean. Annyeoung!

Another week in the books, time to purge the ol’ battered brain. (Battered as in beaten, not deep-fried carnival treat. OR IS IT A DEEP-FRIED CARNIVAL TREAT. I think there’s a recipe for that in Jeffrey Dahmer’s cookbook. What am I even talking about. I need sleep, my people.)

• At work on Thursday, Gayle sent out a department wide email about having an extra candle she didn’t need and first person to her desk gets it. First of all, there’s no such thing as “not needing a candle.” CANDLES ARE LIFE. Luckily, I sit about five feet away from Gayle’s desk, so I got up to casually walk over and claim my free candle in a cool, calm, and collected manner. In my world, that includes nearly catapulting ones self out of their chair, taking a giant lunge, and then galloping like a FUCKING RACE HORSE around the corner to Gayle’s dark abode, completely cutting off Catherine, who had dashed out of her office at the same time in an effort to be #1. BUT I WON! And I have no problem admitting to the Internet that I was prepared to throw an elbow or eight (you don’t know my body) and clothesline a person if I had to. Anyway, you’re reading the blog of a proud new owner of a SLEIGH BELLS scented candle, homemade by Gayle’s friend. I let Catherine hold it long enough to catch a whiff, because I wanted her loss to sting even harder. I care.
  • I’m not sure what SLEIGH BELLS are supposed to smell like, but I think cinnamon?
  • Apparently, Catherine and I created a quite the audible stampede, so the topic of candles became a group conversation, which inspired me to share a CAUTIONARY TALE involving candle tarts. Here, I’ll tell you, too. Pull up a seat, bring a pencil to jot down some notes, or just write your name over and over in different styles like I do in meetings, but make sure you add various accolades after it, like ‘is awesome” and “rules” and “is better than everyone in the entire world.” Anyway, my story dates back to 2005. I was home alone one day, which right away tells you that this is about to be one of the Harrowing Chapters in my life. One of the candle tarts had been burning for some time in my bedroom and I decided that I needed to change the scent immediately. Because if the wax was still in liquid-form, it should be harder to change, right? So I did the logical thing and carted the burner into the bathroom and poured it right into the toilet. Former honor student, right here! What I hadn’t anticipated was that once it hit the water, it would QUADRUPLE IN SIZE. Maybe even whatever comes after quadruple. It immediately hardened and blew up like a balloon, turned into this grotesque, elephantine wax brain, buoyantly glurging in the commode, threatening to come to life. Now, here’s the part of the story where I couldn’t quite remember the ending aside from the fact that Henry was all, “OHHONESTLYERIN!!!” when he came home from work. So later that night (we’re back to present-day now, try to keep up) I mentioned this story to Henry and he laughed without mirth (see also: disgusted sigh). In Henry’s reality, I left it I the toilet and waited for him to roll up on his white stallion, Sir Lancelot’s plunger in hand, to conquer the Yankee Candle commode coagulation. Sure, this seems plausible….but I decided that I better fact check this in the ol’ LiveJournal archives. Because I knew this was something I would have transcribed for posterity since I have no life. And here I am, 11 years later, recounting this tale like it’s the story of my ENGAGEMENT or something (thanks, Henry). LiveJournal reminded me that I was a brave girl that day and reached into the toilet all on my own and removed that chunky abomination of Midsummers Night and threw it in the garbage. However, various tendrils stayed behind, hugging the sides of the toilet bowl like waxy plankton, so I did what ANY ONE OF YOU would do and flushed. And then the toilet proceeded to run all day long until Henry rolled up on his white stallion, Sir Lancelot’s plunger in hand, to conquer the Yankee Candle commode coagulation. There. Henry’s the hero yet again. I HOPE THIS STORY SATISFIED YOU.
  • Speaking of being satisfied, I don’t get the appeal of those “satisfying” YouTube videos. They don’t make me feel satisfied! They just make me feel like I am literally watching the thing that’s happening and feeling no emotion about it whatsoever.
• The look Henry gets on his face when I get in the car & casually say, “I don’t know what I signed up for but there’s apparently no cancellation fee” could be used in place of those alarm system decals to deter burglars. Anyway, turns out it was to switch our electric over to some clean environmental thing and Henry is like blowing the top of his head off over this. He was reading the pamphlet I was given while saying “Tell me you didn’t sign up for this. This is what that guy came to the door about last week when I said NO!!” But it was some sweet college boy, and I couldn’t say no! Even though when I was walking by and he said, “Excuse me miss, do you have a second?” I said no. Yet somehow, here we are. Now I have to call and cancel but I don’t feel like it.
  • “ALL OF THESE REVIEWS FOR THIS COMPANY ARE ONE STAR, ERIN!” Henry frantically hissed. I feel like the last time I did something like this, it was for my phone (back in the landline days) and the utility company somehow managed to forward all of my phone calls to a tattoo shop in Homestead, PA. #truestory
    • But I mean…no cancellation fee…so.
• My smug face, in case you forgot what I looked like:

• I’M GOING TO SEE CITIZEN TOMORROW NIGHT! Fourth time this year, plus another time too when I saw Mat on his solo tour! I can’t explain how rejuvenating this band is for me. Another show by myself, but it’s OK. Eventually I’ll start making friends. Right, Internet diary?? #pityparty #toobadsosad
• Last Monday on my lunch break, I was accidentally walking beside a man who started introducing himself to passers-by as “Satan.” This was near the Army Navy store, and that’s where the other crazy guy bought his machete!! I didn’t stick around to find out if this was going to be Machete Monday Part 2: Erin Gets Hemisected
• Henry tried to serve me the worst acorn squash tonight and I sent it back to the kitchen with a quickness. I love acorn squash, but he strayed from the tried and true path and added some strange combination of spices to it and my palate was like, “Bitch, hell no.” So then he roasted other vegetables for and practically frisbeed it at my face. What a sensitive cook.

• Sometimes Chooch goes to this super lame gaming place on the boulevard and I’m like, “Whatever, loaf with all the geeks, whatever.” And then I just make Henry deal with it (you know, the small, unimportant details such as: having money to pay, and getting picked up, etc.) but yesterday, Henry was like, “IF YOU EXPECT TO HAVE A PARTY TONIGHT, YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO HELP ME BECAUSE I CAN’T DO IT ALL ON MY OWN, SO AT THE VERY LEAST, GO PICK UP CHOOCH FROM THE GAMING PLACE WHILE I’M COOKING.” Ugh god, I can’t stand how dependent he gets on me! So there I am, bailing Henry out once again, driving to some lame ass gaming place to pick up my kid. So I go inside all huffily because why do I have to do everything, and then some guy is all, “Oh hello” and I’m all, “OH HELLO GUY WHO MILDLY LOOKS LIKE CHRIS PRATT BUT ENOUGH THAT I FIND MYSELF SUDDENLY INTERESTED IN THE GAMING PLACE.” So I collect my kid and as we’re leaving, Cute Guy says “Bye Riley!” all cheerily and I whispered, “WHO IS THAT” and Chooch (a/k/a Riley) casually shrugged and said, “The guy in charge.” We came home and I was like, “Hey Henry, I’ll be in charge of gaming place drop-off and pick-up from now on, you’re so very welcome.”
  • Chooch just told me the guy’s name is Ed. “Oh. Eh….let’s just go ahead and call him….Damon.” Ed is not sexy.

• Got a new mask for the wall! If you ever see an old Halloween mask at the flea market or thrift store, grab that shit up for me and I will trade you serial killer cards for it, or something of actual value…like a piece of Henry’s liver.
• I still don’t know what’s going on with the weird neighbors. More on that later, I guess. I’m just obsessed  now at this point. To the point of flat out stalking and spying. Eh, nothing new for me, though. #lowkeysociopath
• Speaking of, while Chooch was at the gaming place yesterday, Henry had to go to the store to get more stuff for the holiday party we hosted last night, and I actually went with him for once because it seemed the better alternative to staying home alone while Boots was next door marinating in nicotine and gin baths. Or whatever it is he does. Fucking weirdo. (I feel you, Phyllis.) So Henry was standing in line to buy CHIPPED HAM (ugh gross) and he said, “Instead of standing here being in everyone’s way, why don’t you go to AISLE THREE and get the paper plates.” And then he repeated “AISLE THREE” like four more times for good measure, and I’m like, “Dude, you can say it all you want, that’s not going to make me magically know how to get there.” I mean, god. But I did eventually find it and that’s where the real challenge began: WHAT KIND OF PLATES SHOULD I CHOOSE? So I opted for these green plastic ones, because they looked festive, and this was after much deliberation between those and ones that had snowmen on them, but those ones seemed a little trite if we’re being frank here. So I take the plates back to Henry and he had all kinds of negative things to say about them, like, “These are expensive” (????) and “How many people are you planning on feeding?” — whatever that means. So after he collected his gross bag of dead animal, we had to go back to the illustrious AISLE THREE where he completely went over my head (literally — the plates he chose were on a shelf above my head) and I was like, “Then what was even the point of you making me come to AISLE THREE and do this?!” and he was all, “I don’t know. I was stupid to think you could handle it.” OMFG, GET FUCKED, HENRY!

• GUYS KURT TRAVIS HAS A NEW BAND AND I’M SWEATING A LITTLE DO I HAVE A FEVER MAYBE.
• I was off on Friday and it was glorious. I need very little! That’s not true! I made EGGS. Like, how do people even know how to cook eggs, my good god. It was so frustrating! My brow was furrowed and dotted with beads of sweat. I think I scraped Henry’s dumb pan. I somehow twisted the eggs into a knot when I tried to flip them? Part of the yolk was cooked solid and the other part was not cooked at all. I mean, I ate it anyway, but I felt myself getting food poisoning mid-bite. Henry came home and I told him about my disastrous turn in the kitchen and he asked, ‘Well, what were you trying to do to the eggs? Scramble them?” And I said, “Uh no, I was trying to makde dippy eggs, obvi.” And then he was like, “No, please don’t try that again” and said he’s going to teach Chooch how to make them so at least if Henry isn’t home and Chooch is, Chooch can just take care of it for me. Thanks, I think.
  • I luckily did not get sick and die like I anticipated!  I kind of wanted to though because Henry said, “Oh you’ll be fine” and just like, laughed it off, so I wanted him to feel super guilty and sorry that he said that, and didn’t take me to the ER to have my stomach pumped like a real soulmate would have. Probably. Jack probably would have done that for Jennifer on Days of Our Lives.
• Speaking of DAYS, RIP Stefano DiMera. </3
  • Literally, Chooch just said, “Days of Our Lives? What is that?” and I’m like HOW HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD ME TALK ABOUT THAT BEFORE, SON!? So then I had to explain to him what a soap opera is, OMG, and how before he was born, Henry and I would “tape” each episode on the VCR and then watch it while eating dinner, because Henry and I have always been a super hot and exciting couple. Envy us.

• Um. I’ll leave you now with this picture of Drew, who is pissed because I moved her wheelchair and also put lights on it. And then had like 20 people over last night which frightened her and made her squeeze in between Henry’s dresser and the wall because she is the complete opposite of my old cats, who were always like, “PARTY’S HERE! WHERE MY PARTY PPL AT?” Seriously, my original cats (well, minus Willie) were fucking attention-starved party…well…animals. They were always up in it.

CIAO FOR NOW. I’m off work tomorrow too so who knows what tales I’ll regale you with! I HAVE NOTHING ELSE GOING FOR ME.

Some things:

• I hate that I share “sore winner” traits with Trump. At least I have (marginally) better hair. 
• I had the day off today and had every light on in the house for no reason other than I’m wasteful, which Henry was not thrilled about when he came home. 
• The Affair is back on and I still hate Noah!
• Watched the Gilmore Girls reboot over the weekend and my heart feels like it free-fell through a paper shredder. Lisa and Octavia texted me to make Henry:Luke comparisons and I’m like IKNOWGUYZ! I thought a lot about it during my day of doing nothing, and it made me wonder if he was sent to me by my Pappap, because NO ONE else could have the patience and ingenuity to make me happy. Henry is the ultimate Luke. Sorry, but this year has promoted me to whatever level is above emo and all I do is think about super mushy things and cry my ugly face off. 
• Don’t worry, no GG spoilers.
• Remember the derelicts who are working next door? Well, they apparently were fighting so bad at 2am that Henry woke up and wondered if he should call the cops but someone beat him to it, so awesome – the people who aren’t even technically living next door to us have already had the police break up a domestic dispute. HOW DID I SLEEP THRU THIS? I let myself down. 
• I want to adopt something, maybe a kid,  but Henry said no. :( Maybe I’ll just do an imaginary adoption after I get imaginary married. 
• Bumper cars are expensive. 

• Someone bought two sets of my Dahmer Christmas cards! This is definitely my most popular Xmas card design. Today, I made a new BTK one for this year, so you should ch-ch-check it out!
• I also painted something today and did gospel aerobics so I guess my day off wasn’t TOO unproductive. 
• Oh and I listened to Balance & Composure! You’re shocked. 
• We’ve had these cats for almost a year & everyday we have to get them to remember us, like it’s 50 fucking First Dates.  They give us Stranger Danger stares and then, “Oh yeah, you guys.” 
• My tattoo is still in the OMG ITCHY phase and I’m driving Henry nuts with my whining but that could be any day, really. 

• Chooch ruins every picture on purpose. He has to actually try though, whereas it comes naturally for me. I win again! SUCK IT! IM THE BEST AT BEING UGLY!
• I still like The Walking Dead. Sorry, guys. 
• Henry’s eating yogurt. 
• He just said “So what? You’re so dumb.” HE CALLED YOU GUYS DUMB. 
• This one time last week, Gayle sewed a pompom back on my poncho thing and it was a super big deal (for no one but me):

• I bought an old wheelchair over the summer but everyone is too afraid to sit in it because the seat is like wicker sort of so it’s just been chilling here looking pretty but then I decided to use it as a supplement to the beverage buffet, so it’s now a bar cart! We’ll see how well that works when I have a holiday party here in a few weeks. 

• I’m a sad doll lately. 
• I offered Henry one bullet point but he said no. 
• When I woke up Saturday morning, I became extremely sad that Henry isn’t Dracula. Ugh. 
• I changed Penelope’s name to Peen Lop. She answers to it. 
• Remember when Henry told me I was overreacting over the people next door and now he’s complaining about how they woke him up at 2am? LOL. 
• Last week I was on my way to work and someone sat next to me on the trolley which is usually never good and then to my surprise, he said, “Erin?” So my knee-jerk reaction was to say no but then it ended up being my high school Lawson so it was OK! I haven’t seen him since I was 17 so wow, that was a long over-due reunion. Lawson was part of L.A.M.E. (Lisa/Ang/Melissa/Erin – the boys in our crew didn’t get to be a part of the acronym) and man we had some ridiculous/fun/stupid times together. I never see anyone I know on the trolley (mostly because I hide behind my hair) so that was a really great start to the day!
• I briefly considered learning how to cook but then I got bored before I could finish the thought in my mind. 
• OH YAY THE ASSHOLES NEXT DOOR ARE HOME. 
• I don’t have another show to go to until December 12th :(
• OMG for like 7 years I’ve been telling Henry I want Flex Seal (I might need it for something—YOU DONT KNOW WHAT I DO) and he’s always waving me off but a commercial for it just came on and now all of a sudden he’s like “That’s what we need.” UM NO SHIT?! Apparently, he has an actual use for it and doesn’t just want to buy it because it seems like a cool thing to have. 

• Peen Lop, boys and girls. 

That’s all. You’re dismissed. 

Last Saturday was such a day of highs and lows that I have been putting off even summarizing it because I get so angry and then happy and then angry and do you see how this is a cycle!? But here it goes.

• It started out on a high. I woke up and listened to music, which is my favorite thing to do. Weekend music is the best because I’m not in a rush trying to get ready for work or whatever, so I can just be LEISURELY with it and really hear it. We listened to the new Saosin record, and by we I mean me and Drew. Drew loves the record player.

• And then came a low! One of my friends on Facebook posted about the Hamilton/Mike Pence debacle. I commented, saying something about how Trump’s tweet regarding it was probably the funniest thing I’ll read all day, and there were maybe two or other people who commented as well. No one was particularly heated with their words. But then, THANK GOD, some dude rolled up and started off his comment with: “I only see women commenting here, so I as a man shall interject.” He went to essentially offer nothing of importance or value, but thanks man, for reminding me that my vagina renders my opinion useless! Seriously, what the fuck is wrong people. My friend’s post had literally nothing to do with gender. NOTHING. I am so easily ruffled anymore that this actually came close to making me grab a hammer and go hogwild on gender barriers. I started to reply to this asshole’s comment, but then stopped and asked myself: “Is this worth it? Do you really want a bunch of Facebook notifications ruining your evening?” No. No, I didn’t want that. So I closed out of Facebook and Henry gave me a hug and muttered something about “Please don’t lop off my penis, please remember I’m not one of the bad guys. I am a feminist. I PAY MY DUES EVERY DAY BY LIVING IN THIS HOUSE WITH YOU.”
• Henry and I met Blake and Haley at the Smiling Moose for dinner. This is one of my favorite places, with some really grade A company, so this automatically goes into the “high” column. I was still kind of simmering over the mansplaining incident, so I had TWO BEERS and if you know me, you know that I’m not much of a drinker anymore (drinking made me fat as fuck in my 20s). I had two pumpkin beers because I’m still taking baby steps. However, I finally had Pumpking after years of being told that, as someone who can barely gag down a Summer Shandy, I wouldn’t like it. WELL JOKE’S ON YOU FOOLS BECAUSE I DID! It also made me pretty drunk, though. And also if you know me, you know that me being drunk can go one of two ways: adorably precocious or FUCKING BELLIGERENT BIOTCH.

• Which leads me to the ultimate low of the day: the Hands Like Houses show at Diesel, where I was a FUCKING BELLIGERENT BIOTCH. Now let me make some excuses for myself here, because I truly believe that my environment had a lot to do with my intolerance for humanity. Diesel sucks as a music venue. It’s a nightclub and should only be used as such. I had one good experience there and it was last June when I was at a show with only 20 other people. It was chill as fuck. This show was way too crowded for this venue, and also it started an HOUR EARLY with NO NOTICE, so by the time we got there, not only did we miss the first band (Out Came the Wolves) but all the decent spots were taken. Also, since the show was on a Saturday night, this brought out all the fair-weathered concert goers who were mostly there to party and get drunk, and apparently Diesel wasn’t relegating the drinkers to the upstairs area like most clubs do. Nope, they were ALL AROUND ME, sloshing their Bud Light around and putting my surly face in the background of all of their salacious Snaps. By the time The Color Morale came on, I was so angry that I was shouting at people and making angry, intense eye contact at the Tallest Guy In the Room who felt compelled to STAND ON A PLATFORM in front of me. I HOPE HE THOUGHT I WAS A WICCAN BECAUSE THAT’S THE VIBE I WAS GOING FOR WITH MY WITCHCRAFT GLARE. And then it was time for co-headliner Our Last Night, who I have seen twice before and they do nothing for me, and by this time, it was so crowded that I couldn’t breathe and so many people were scream-talking around me and I just kept running my mouth, and running it and running it and running it, and Henry was giving me  the “Please, not here, not now. Please don’t make me take a punch for you. I only LOOK rugged, but 16 years with you has turned me into a pile of buttercream and craft patterns, PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME BE A MAN.” I knew that I had to leave. I love Hands Like Houses, but I was honestly losing my fucking mind, standing in that sleazy pit of Big Night Out yinzers and so I looked at Henry and said, “We need to leave. Like, now.” And Henry did a little twirl before happily leading me out of Diesel, but not before I loudly scoffed, “THIS VENUE SUCKS” as we walked past the asshole in charge, who apparently admitted that he knew for hours that the show’s time was pushed ahead but was “too busy” to update the Facebook event page. Fucking amateur.
  • Two small highs happened though, one was the numerous times I got to see my Aussie baes in HLH milling about behind the scenes and I got all day-dreamy thinking about them taking me home to Canberra with them, where I could relive the week I spent there in 2000. And the second was when Garrett Rapp from A Color Morale was being accosted by fan-bros right behind Henry, and I tried to push Henry into him while shouting, “HENRY THERE HE IS! TELL HIM WHAT YOUR FAVORITE SONG IS!” And Henry’s frown grew so large that he was able to step into it like a pair of pants and disappeared into the world of Leave Me Alone.
• On the way back to the car, we past the old Schwartz Market, which was full of art now. I slowed down a little to get a better look, at which point some hippie woman smoking in the doorway said, “Come on in!” and grabbed me by the arm and led me through the door, at which point Henry was like, “Yeah, I’m good” and stood outside by himself while I was given a cup of HOT APPLE CIDER and a delicious vegan pumpkin pastry while learning all about the For One Peace Cooperative, a group of amazing creative-types who hang out and make art while also doing things to bring the community together, like organizing coat drives for the homeless, etc.  I was in the for about 30 minutes I guess, talking to Joe—he appeared to be the leader, and he showed me a watercolor technique using coffee filters, because he has multiple sclerosis and it’s difficult for him to hold paint brushes. I told him about the horrible experience I had down the street at Diesel, and he said, “Everyone stumbles in here for a reason.” I’ll say. It happened so fast that I can’t even remember now how I went from casually looking in the window to eating their food. And then, as I was signing up to be a part of their group, Joe excitedly told me that soon they’ll be cleaning up litter by the river. “Women are getting jumped by the river,” some guy mumbled around bites of vegan food. “Yeah, that’s fucked up,” Joe murmured, looking at the ground. “But, we’re not sending her to the river alone!” And then looking back at me, Joe reiterated, “We’re not sending you to the river alone. We”ll be in groups, and it will be during the day, of course!” And I just laughed because I already loved my new crew. When I met up with Henry and excitedly recounted all of this to him, he just frowned and muttered something about a cult. “You wouldn’t understand, Henry. You had to be there,” I said dismissively. “It’s about community.” Henry looked at me, all aghast, and cried, “You don’t even like community!” Yeah, that was the OLD Erin. But now I’ve been saved now I have a crew. I even let Joe hug me and I liked it. I’m basically a hippie now.

After I got my tattoo Wednesday night, I was walking down Carson Street waiting for Henry the Chauffeur to pick me up, and one of the guys I met from the co-op walked by. “Hello!” he said cheerfully, and I was like, “OMG HI YOU REMEMBER ME!” because I have this complex where I’m certain no one ever remembers me, even less than a week later. I was so excited to tell Henry when I got in the car!

“Who!?” Henry asked. And then, “Oh.” Whatever Henry. He’s just allergic to tie-dye, I guess

I’ve been avoiding bullet pointing on here because the format always gets wonky and words smoosh together after I hit publish, but bulleting just feels right tonight. My brain’s got nothing more to give than thought blurbs. So let’s do this together. I’ll type and then you read. That’s the only way this relationship is going to work.

• Adele’s “Send My Love” was on when I got in the car on Sunday. Henry admitted that he could never figure out what she says during the chorus. “Right……here!” Henry cried when the part in question came on. “You mean, ‘Send my love to your new lover? Treat her better?'” Chooch and I pretty much answered in sync. “Oh….I though it was “Send my love to your new left hand bag.” God, Henry.
• There was some gross blood drive happening, which spurned a conversation between Lauren and me about needles and how awful they are. “Tattoo needles don’t bother me at all, though,” I mused. “I guess because I know afterward, I’m leaving with something I want.” “Hepatitis?” Glenn piped up at his desk behind me. I HATE WHEN HE LISTENS TO MY CONVERSATIONS UGH.
• Look, I liked Bernie too but now that everything is over I feel like I have to be honest and tell you that I hated, and I mean HATED, his campaign slogan. “Feel the Bern” does not sound pleasant or motivating to me whatsoever. I makes me think that someone has a STD and their dick has burning sensations.

• Holiday cards are in full effect! Which means Henry’s been working his ass off. Being co-owner of a greeting card company is hard work, you guys.
• Henry texted me while I was at work yesterday. His text said, “Can we talk?” and I quickly responded with, “No, Tevin. No, I can’t.” He was like, “WHO IS TEVIN*” so I let him stew on that for a bit before sighing and explaining that Tevin Campbell is an American R&B singer who had a big hit in the mid-90s with his song, a BET classic, “Can We Talk?” File this under: Shanice Likes Your Smile.
  • *Actually, Henry was using “talk to text” so what he really asked, and I’m quoting directly from my phone: “What is Kevin Log Cabin Tavern tea heaven.”
• During one of my neverending social rants to Henry, I told him that it’s not even that I’m like some crunchy hippie who wants to give the world a great big hug; in fact, I dislike pretty much all people the same. Like, just don’t talk to me when I’m standing in line for the trolley or washing my hands in a public restroom, I don’t care who you are. Unless you’re in a band. However, this doesn’t mean that I want anyone to have their rights taken from them and I have cried so much lately over HUMANS that I’m worried I’m starting to become one myself.
  • Um also, I won’t ever judge a person based on their skin color, sexuality, religion, etc, but I will judge you on your actions. So if you’re like the asshole on the trolley with me yesterday who turned his snot into a disgusting, bubbling instrument, then you can fuck right off.

• I’ll judge cole slaw with a quickness though. We went to Bob’s Diner in Castle Shannon last Saturday night and had wet cole slaw. #girlbye
• So we’re in the process of buying a new fridge but I felt that the one Henry is settling on isn’t interesting enough, so he was like “LET ME SHOW THE PRICES OF INTERESTING FRIDGES.” Ugh, get fucked Henry. GET FUCKED WITH A PLAIN DILDO.
• Chooch ran for secretary of chorus and lost to a girl who JUST JOINED CHORUS THIS YEAR when this is Chooch’s THIRD YEAR! And curiously, president and publicist went to two other girls who are like BFFs so you tell me if you think this election was RIGGED.
  • FUCK!!!!

• BRB looking at pictures of Obama and crying.
• I just now watched a live Facebook announcement from my friends Elaine and Tery – they’re eloping and I’m so happy for them! Henry saw that I commented “I’m crying!” and he said, “No you’re not—-oh. Yes, you are.” Ugh, I might be ambivalent toward people in general but man do I love it when my friends are happy. <3
• We were in the car last night and Chooch was asking annoying math questions and I was like DO YOU THINK ANYONE HAS EVER SNAPCHATTED A MURDER and Henry was just like, slowly dying at the wheel. Now you know what it is like to be in a car with us.

• We’ve been seeing so much of Blake and Haley lately and I love it, but no one loves it more than Chooch. My lord. They came over last Saturday, so Chooch got back-to-back evenings of playing games with adults.

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• I am always cold at work (they don’t call me Heartless for nothing, yo) but it was especially frigid there one day last week. SO COLD that when I got my print job off the printer, it felt so deliciously warm in my hands that I held it up to my cheek and throatily murmured, “This paper feels so nice and warm.” Glenn and Todd were like, completely disgusted by this.
• Since tonight is Light Up Night in Pittsburgh, Amber1 hung up a string of Xmas lights on her desk so I was like GOD OK FINE I’LL DECORATE TOO STOP NAGGING UGH. I used to have a little tree which I decorated with Jonny Craig ornaments but fuck Jonny Craig and fuck Xmas trees! So instead, I just laid out some voodoo Santas and my old garland of Glenns. And obviously my Jesus pen that I bought at Christ in Smokies:

• My aunt loved Bon Jovi. The fact that they released an album called This House Is Not For Sale the same year my aunt died and we lost my grandparents house because of her is not lost on me. Weird fucking coincidence.
• Speaking of family, this year has been so disgusting that I’m trying to convince Henry to just take us away for Christmas. I don’t want to see anyone. I just want to eat high quality ice cream and chill with Henry and Chooch. They are all I need.

• My mood for the last couple weeks. ^^^^ FUCK WITH ME.
• Woke up nauseous: pregnant, or Christmas music on the radio?
  • Speaking of, last week Octavia innocently asked me what my favorite Christmas song and I was like NONE!!! FUCK XMAS!!! but really that was just misguided anger because, you know, 2016. I really am not a big Christmas fan and holiday music generally does irritate me, but then this morning I heard some version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Xmas” and so I texted her and told her that one, that’s my favorite. Because every version I’ve ever heard has made me feel sad, and y’all know this emo queen stays youthful by drinking her own tears. I have two vivid memories of this song though, and both are from elementary school:
    • one is playing this song on my old Casio keyboard in the basement over and over because I was a self-taught keyboardist which means I played with one hand and only knew like 6 songs.
    • the second is from the 1985 Days of Our Lives holiday episode when Liz sings it OH MY GOD I’M CRYING.
      • Everything always goes back to Days of Our Lives, somehow. It was a prominent aspect of my childhood.

• I’m obsessed with the Joe Biden memes just like everyone else, but when someone merged it with a common Dance Gavin Dance meme, I literally rolled off the couch, onto my knees, and raised my hands to Kevin Log Cabin Tavern tea heaven.
• Henry asked me where some restaurant is downtown and somehow didn’t know exactly where I meant when I said, “I think it’s right near where the guy with the bomb detonator sometimes stands.” 16 years in, and he still expects to get coherent answers to directional inquiries. What a dreamer.
  • Related: I asked Henry what kinds of girls he likes and he said obviously annoying ones.
  • Also related: on the way to Cleveland last week, Henry randomly tried to tell me about some bitch he had a crush on when he was in 6th grade and I was like, “THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I’M THE ONLY ONE YOU’VE EVER HAD A CRUSH ON, BOY.”
    • BRB, casually rifling through Henry’s lefthand bag for incriminating receipts, condoms, pregnancy tests, marriage certificates.
• I see you, Craig Owens. AND I LIKE IT:

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND. USE BIG WORDS TO CONFUSE YOUR ENEMIES BUT DON’T USE ARTIFICIAL SWEETNER, PER DR. OZ. UNLESS YOUR PUTTING THE SWEETNER IN YOUR ENEMIES’ EYES.

1. Ending sentences with prepositions.
2. Hating the inbred yinzers currently working on the other side of our duplex. They must be mole people because they only come over at night and stomp around like cinder block-footed sumo wrestlers, scream-talking in their degenerate nicotine-throated pittsburghese, and fucking slamming the front door repeatedly. I just now started screaming at them through the wall and henry is all OK OK OK SHHHH because he hates conflict but I HAVE HAD IT BUDDY. AND NOW OH SHERRIE IS ON THE RADIO SO IM RIDING STEVE PERRY’S VOICE TO A HAPPY PLACE SOMEWHERE IN 1984. (side note: the only time I had beef with Gilmore Girls was when they referenced this song and said it was JOURNEY #wrongzo #nope)
3. Planning a small holiday party & searching for awesome punches to serve on the beverage buffet. The plan is to get henry so drunk that he starts telling us SERVICE stories.  In times of crisis, I go into hostess mode. 
4. Obviously still Balance & Composure, and I’m seeing them tonight in Cleveland!!!
5. Investigating realistic ways to make music my career because I think it’s safe to say that this isn’t a phase but legit passion and every minute that doesn’t involve me listening to music, reading about music, talking about music, trying to get you guys to listen to bands I love, and going to all of the shows, a piece of my heart petrifies. I can’t sit in an office for the rest of my life, I just can’t. I feel like a caged animal. :(

Let’s end with a picture of Drew being a dick. 

****

HI ME AGAIN. I just flipped the fuck out because those dbags next door slammed the front door so hard it shook the house so I went off and henry was all PLZ DONT DO THIS and then the DJ on the radio said something about it being November 10 and Henry mumbled “it’s not November 10” and I yelled “YES IT IS YOU KNOW WHY BECAUSE ITS AFTER MIDNIGHT AND DO YOU KNOW WHY WE’RE AWAKE—BC OF THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS NEXT DOOR UGHHH”

And Henry just murmured, “No, that’s why you’re awake. I’m awake because you were screaming.”

It’s me against the world AS USUAL. 

It’s been a while since I unwound with a bullet-point post so why not start the week off right—super casual & relaxed.

That’s how I look in my wrinkled clothes. Oh Monday. What’s an iron.

• The Olympics might still be happening, but they’re over for me. My heart is empty now that swimming is done. (Ask Henry – I cried real tears about it yesterday and he was like “Are you for real right now, of course you are.”
• I’m on the trolley and I just yawned. REAL LIFE. Then the girl behind me sneezed and I slipped and said bless you. Ugh.
• Last night, I was reading about the Bieber/Selena Instagram feud, sparked by pictures of his new girlfriend, Lionel Richie’s daughter, when a LIONEL RICHIE SONG CAME ON THE RADIO. What does it mean, other than I listen to soft rock!?

• Tonight I’m going to see Sianvar, which is a supergroup consisting of members of Dance Gavin Dance, Stolas, Hail the Sun, and A Lot Like Birds. This is the first time in a while where I actually sprung out of bed on a Monday, so that’s how I know I’m excited. Also, Henry is going with me so I’m even more excited because now it will look like I have a friend.
• Maandag means Monday in Dutch. The more you know.
• Ugh I hate it when I get a crush on Henry it’s so dumb ew.

• Came into work and two of the main new printers have some FATAL ERROR message on then and now everything is all jacked up. HAPPY MAANDAG, MOTHERFUCKERS.
• Wendy just told me I’m wearing fall shoes and I’m like IDGAF WAHHHH!

• I was having a bad Friday and then Catherine gave me a delicious sugar cookie and that was awesome but now Monday is terrible too and I want another one of those cookies immediately. This Maandag can suck a frikandel.

• I got to watch some daytime TV with Judy on Thursday because it’s my late shift day and when Live with Kelly came on, Judy started up with her Jerry O’Connell ranting again and you know what? Judy’s right. Fuck Jerry O’Connell. That dummy.
• Honestly, what is my deal?! I’m sitting here like, “I can’t wait to leave work and see Henry” — I disgust myself.
  • I mean, he spelled Foreigner wrong when he texted me last week to say that “Foriegner is on, NBD.” THIS IS WHO I HAVE A CRUSH ON!?
    • Speaking of Foreigner, how have I never noticed the similarities between “That Was Yesterday” and Depeche Mode’s “Policy of Truth”?? I made Henry listen to both songs back to back last night and he said he has no idea what I’m talking about.

• That faux-pepperoni life. Chooch is still going strong with his meatless lifestyle. I’m shocked. He still doesn’t like vegetables though.

• Olympic lounging, you guys. The competition is strong at my house.

• Warped Tour is over and now it feels like summer is officially over too because I follow along via Twitter and Instagram for the entire tour, and I actually started to cry about this yesterday, along with Olympic swimming being over and Phelps supposedly retiring for real this time, and it’s too bad my tears aren’t the cure for cancer because they’re ever-flowing.
  • Speaking of sensitive, Chooch lost his mind last week because he found out that his favorite dog, a Corgi named Maverick who walks by our house all the time with his owner, died recently. Now the guy has a Corgi puppy named Spencer but Chooch DGAF because he’s no Maverick. Anyway, Chooch spent a large portion of the night crying about this at his desk while looking at a random picture of a cat. Henry’s mom felt that “THAT MAN SHOULD COME OVER HERE AND APOLOGIZE!” And Henry cried, “For his DOG DYING!?”
• I made a new Etsy shop for all of the sweet 1980s clothes from my Pappap’s house that I’m trying to get rid of, but there are a lot more that I still need to get pictures of, so if anyone wants to be a model for a day, hit me up. The clothes are super small and nothing is getting past my big fat hips, or I’d just do it myself. (I’d definitely wear an animal mask though because my face is the worst.)

• Henry and I binged our way through Game of Thrones during June and July and it took me a while to notice CHARLES DANCE in the opening credits, at which point I nearly fell off the couch in excitement. “CHARLES DANCE IS IN THIS AND I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE!?” I cried in Henry’s face. “…..I guess?” he answered with hesitation, probably afraid of what answer is right or wrong. And so I had to explain to him that when I was in middle school, probably 6th grade, there was a made-for-TV version of The Phantom of the Opera, and he was the Phantom! “I was so obsessed with this version, that I cut out all of the advertisements for it from the TV Guide and taped them to my wall,” I told Henry, my heart threatening to burst with joyous memories. “Of course you did,” he sighed. So then any time he was in a scene on GoT, I would get really close to Henry and yell, “CHARLES DANCE.”
• When I ran into my old friend Casandra last week (and whose name I consistently spelled wrong in my last post because I’m terrible), we briefly reminisced about the last time we hung out, which was at one of my house parties in 2004 (probably?) back when everyone would get drunk and try to hit me with a frisbee as I skated up and down the road in front of my house. We called it “Hit Erin With a Frisbee.” So inventive.  Anyway, it made me feel like I should have a party soon, only maybe during the fall, when it’s not 187 degrees in my house.

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• Henry finally hung up several pictures that have been laying in a pile in a corner, crying. Those bitches over at A Beautiful Mess would probably have a coronary if they saw the randomness of my gallery wall. I DIDN’T PRE-PLAN IT WITH BLUEPRINTS, OMG.
  • I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with the small piece of wall above the fireplace mantel. Henry is still firmly against glitter, but I feel like something needs to happen in that spot before he hangs the Mouse Attack light up there.
    • Don’t worry — I have time. It’s going to take him forever to get that light to work.

• I was cleaning under the sink in Sharon’s bathroom when this travel bottle of Sambuca from our trip to Greece literally rolled off a shelf into my hand. And then right after that I found a piece of paper that had my name written on it in her handwriting and it was just a bit much for my heart to take. She was in my dream last night, but it was the awesome 1980s Aunt Sharon that I have the best memories of, and it was a lot better than the nightmares I had been having about her sporadically over the last 5 years. Those After-Death signs and signals are so creepy-awesome and it’s been comforting, even just hearing a Bon Jovi jam on the radio in my bedroom, given how shitty and traumatic the last couple of months have been. I  hope things get better soon. :(
  • Maybe RIOT FEST will help!!
• Still trying to get Henry to agree to a Labor Day weekend trip to Louisville so we can see Artifex Pereo. Ugh, he’s being such a DAD about it.
• Three more hours until Sianvar….
• I gave up my seat on the trolley last week to some little kid who was standing with his dad. I hope that one day, when they’re having Christmas dinner, the boy says, “Hey dad, remember that time when the nice lady with the bloody teeth necklace let me have her seat on the trolley?” I could be a legend in their family. YOU DON’T KNOW.
• Gayle gave me 75 cents so now I’m eating a dinner of Cheezits. Thanks, Gayle!

OK, one more hour until I get to repeatedly beat my head off the wall at Smiling Moose. Don’t trip over a dead body when you’re Pokemon Go’ing, friends. Merry Maandag.

I’m It’s Friday and I got a good seat on the trolley and I’m wearing jeans at work so let’s celebrate with five things I like right now, because that takes less energy than writing about all the things I hate.

1. Old As Fuck Rosary

Octavia gifted me with this beautiful heartwood rosary that she bought from an ex-Dominican monk in Venice and I am so smitten with it! I love religious objects so much and this one in particular is going to get much love. Also, I think it might be haunted because I keep seeing it flash before my eyes when I’m at work. Is that normal.

2. Proper Soft-Serve

I guess I’m just over the SUGAR & SPICE episode where that dumb bitch refused to serve me sprinkles because when the kind young girl at Punk’s batted nary a lash when I asked for not sprinkles but the heavier CRUNCHIES on my pistachio soft serve last Sunday, I felt like I won a small victory for soft serve embellishments all over the world. No one should be denied their God-given right to dress a fucking ice cream cone with sprinkles.

There was a lady in line behind us who leaned forward and asked, “Excuse me, but what are those crunchies exactly?” Henry and I were just like, “You know…crunchy things” and the ice cream server said it was like crushed peanut brittle (negative). I enthusiastically encouraged the broad to try some for herself and she made it sound like she was going to, but I watched her as she walked back to her car with her CRUNCHIE-LESS ICE CREAM. My heart was busted.

3. Thursdays with Judy

Chooch is done with camp which means we’re back to having Henry’s mom here as basically a live-in nanny. She was in rare form last night though because the church across the street is currently in the throes of the lamest carnival of all time, but it’s appealing to old people and kids who don’t know any better. Chooch likes it because it’s a chance for him to spend our money and pretend like he’s independent (it’s literally right across the street so I just half-heartedly wave to him, make sure he doesn’t get hit by a car when he crosses the street, and then go back to watching my MTV shows), plus he’s been seeing a lot of his friends over there too because I guess this is the current HOT SPOT in Brookline. Opening night was also DOO WOP night with DJ Daddy G and it was pretty much poppin’ off. I mean, you can’t play Under the Boardwalk without all the octogenarians groovin’ behind their rockers.

(Chooch is actually there again right now and I’m like WHAT IS SO GREAT ABOUT THIS CARNIVAL? There aren’t even any rides there?!)

ANYWAY. Judy was excited to go over with Chooch last night. Henry gave them money and we were like “Don’t spend it all in one place — OR ON JADEN.” Jaden is this dickhead kid that comes calling all the time and he looks away every time I’m around because Chooch told him I hate him and now he’s afraid of me, which is how it should be. I finally got to watch The Challenge finale (Johnny Bananas can eat a dick) so I was in a great mood by the time they came back around 9, and Judy was in an even BETTER mood. She had so much to tell us that I was like “Did they go to St.Pius or Reno?”

“Jaden said his mom was EXPLODING CHOOCH’S PHONE, what the hell does that mean?!” Judy cried. “And the PRIEST was looking for blackjack players! Then I thought I lost Markie and when I saw his grandfather walking toward me I thought OH NO HERE WE GO. [Hot Naybor] Chris and Ruthie came over too, so I talked to them for a little bit. RUTHIE leaves for MEXICO next week. Markie’s grandma has an ULCER on her FOOT and is in the nursing home now. She’s doing OK, but yeah she’s in a nursing home.”

All this, at the St. Pius Carnival.

She was pissed though because she wanted to play Bingo but I guess that was when she lost Markie, who isn’t even her responsibility, just some neighborhood kid whose grandfather ditched him and Judy got saddled with him, so she felt like she had to look for him instead? I would have been like, “I have no idea what kid you’re talking about.”

Chooch won a poop emoji thing.

So then Judy sat down in my wheelchair and somehow we got on the topic of ho my life sucks and I just poured out my heart, just kept talking and talking, and I had no idea how badly I needed to do that. To just TALK without having my feelings minimized. And Judy kept it REAL, man. She dished out heaping spoonfuls of advice and suggested that I go and talk to that priest who did Sharon’s memorial because fuck a therapist, right? Maybe I’ll do that. Probably not, but it makes me feel good to know that it’s an option, and that Judy gives a shit. Sometimes it feels like I don’t have the right to be hurting, so I try to keep it all internalized. But Judy just sat there and listened and cared about what I had to say and fuck, I needed that.

And then she started ranting about how much she hates Jerry O’Connell, remakes of classic movies, and asked Henry if he was there when they were all watching Roots or was that when he was IN THE SERVICE and I was like, “Motherfuck, this is the best casual work night ever.”

4. POP GOES THE WEASEL

This morning, Amber2 walked past me, singing “Pop Goes the Weasel” because that’s what happens when you have baby. But it reminded me of this “rap” song that was mildly popular around 1992 and Amber and Todd were like, “No, sorry we don’t remember the rap song that you just made up in your head” but then I found the video on YouTube and now Amber wants to buy a sweatsuit and probably already made it her new ring tone.

5. The Olympics, duh!

I’m so excited to start hating random countries for really obscure reasons and hopefully getting some BELA KAROLYI SIGHTINGS!!! I love him so much that in addition to making a t-shirt with his face on it, I even painted a picture of him which is hanging on my wall and literally no one who comes to my house every asks about it because they know it’s probably a can of worms waiting to be opened.

OK, my brain is tired and I would like to enjoy the opening ceremonies since I was working LATE SHIFT during the last Olympic opening ceremonies and missed out on all the MAGIC.

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