I woke up bright and early on day two of KCON and demanded that Henry go down to the lobby and score us breakfast muffins since Chooch and I are pathetic children with little-to-no life skills and depend on our burly manservant to keep us alive.

In other words, I didn’t have my makeup on yet.

When we went downstairs to wait for our Lyft, the lobby was bustling with tour groups preparing for a day in NYC, and I felt a twinge of jealousy.

Originally, we were going to skip the convention on the second day and go to NYC instead since we were so close that we could actually see it from Newark and it was TANTALIZING. But then I ended up scoring that fan engagement for Up10tion on the day we registered, and that was scheduled for 11am on Saturday. We considered going after that, but I started to panic about all the unknowns: the traffic; getting engulfed by the dark underbelly of the city, never to resurface; being seduced by the bright lights and losing all track of time; getting stabbed in Central Park — YOU KNOW, ALL THE NORMAL NYC THINGS.

Plus, none of us have ever been to NYC (I’ve only been to JFK and LaGuardia airports, which don’t count) and would a few hours on a Saturday afternoon truly be enough to satiate the naive tourists in us? So we decided that we would come back another time, when we have nothing else to do, and can devote a whole weekend to shuffling around in fanny packs and sun visors.

Alas, our Lyft driver rolled up around 9:45 and Henry started tersely whispering, “Sit in the front. Erin, sit in the front. Please sit in the front.” And then as I slid into the backseat next to Chooch, “Fuck you.”

I guess he felt uncomfortable sitting in the passenger seat next to the young girl driver? Lol.

Chooch and I both preferred Friday’s Lyft driver over this one. Friday’s was super talkative, but Saturday’s was very stiff and quiet. She had vinyl stickers all over her car, begging for a five-star rating. Girl, Jessica Simpson was playing on your radio when we got in the car. No 5 stars for you.

This reminds me: the Lyft driver from KCON day one had on some Top 40 radio station from NYC and the DJs were talking about Charlie Puth, how in his latest song “Attention,” there is a part where his voice cracks a little, and how most pop singers would have been like, “I need to re-record this part” but Charlie was like, “No, keep it. This is real and my emotions caused this” or whatever. I’ve heard that song several times prior to this but never noticed the part they were talking about until they played it and isolated the exact word where his voice kind of turns into a whisper and it gave me actual chills. Now I have much more appreciation for Charlie Puth and have listened to that song a million times since that day because it moves me to tears.

I will always think of riding in the backseat of Lyft Driver Carolina’s car, past the Newark airport and into the industrial section of Newark, every time I hear this song.

The second day of the convention was mostly the same, but with different panels and fan engagements. We hit up all the booths again, filling up on more free samples, and this time we managed to get Henry in on the Drama Fever action. We chose the Goblin background this time but it was dumb with three of us because the whole point is that you’re supposed to wear a red scarf and then stand facing to the right with your arm outstretched so it looks like you’re pointing at the Goblin’s sword BUT WHATEVER IT’S FINE.

Every single person in line in front of us won at the wheel spinning thing so we had a feeling that we were about to kill the streak. Plus, the people remembered my Instagram name and I think they were like, “OH SHIT, CAN’T HAVE A DOUBLE WINNER!” so we lost, UGH. I was hoping to win a Twice fan engagement but WHATEVER IT’S FINE I’LL LIVE.

:(

We should have posted the picture on Chooch’s Instagram instead. I’m so stupid.

Aeound 10:30, I made my way to the area where the fan engagement lines were. Since I was just in the basic no hi-touch audience for this one, I felt much less stress. That is, until the boy in front of me dipped under the yellow queue tape because there was literally no one line so I followed suit AND WHO IS THE ONE WHO GOT YELLED AT? ME! THE SHEEP!

Ugh, that’s the second time I got scolded at one of these damn things! I will try harder to stand up straight and be a perfect Pollyanna rule abider next time! God I felt like such a dick! But then I also had rage because hello THAT GUY DID IT FIRST, yell at him, too. :(

But the next security person I encountered totally made up for it — she was such a character and really made the most of her job of checking our fan engagement tickets and clicking her little people-counter thing by interacting with us, dancing, and just being a damn fool. The girl several people in front of me apparently had a hi-touch card and the security lady was all, “OOOH SHIT GIRL, you in the WRONG LINE! You better get your butt over there so you can touch your cute little Korean boys!” and then she made sure the other security people let the girl into the correct line. It was so nice of her!

I loved that lady. Why couldn’t they all be as nice as her? :(

This time, I was smart and left my purse with Henry so that I didn’t get all held up in that fucking bag-check fuckarow again, although it seemed like they had sorted out the system by Saturday and the lines were moving pretty smoothly.

Similarly to KNK, I didn’t know much about Up10tion but these fan engagements really make it impossible to not fall in love with the groups, regardless of how well you know them. Kevin Woo was the MC for this one and they jokingly asked him to be their 10th member, since one of the guys left, taking them down to a nine-member group and making their name awkward. (Kevin Woo used to be in the kpop group U-Kiss, in case you didn’t know, but now he’s the host of an English kpop show in Seoul called After School Club. Now you know.)

Up10tion said that they were going to debut their new song “Runner” at the show that night, and then one of them sang a quick verse and I knew I was going to like it. Then some older woman in front of me farted, which was already horrible, but another woman was fanning herself with one of the cardboard fans that 7397498274 booths were handing out, and in the process she was essentially volleying the other lady’s fart right into my face at break-neck speeds. It was like fart-concentrate, not having the chance to disperse on its way to my nostrils. I was straight up gagging, you guys. Straight up gagging.

Even with the farts and scoldings for fake line-jumping, the Up10tion fan engagement was worth it. It was similar to KNK’s, in that there was a brief and language-barrier’d Q&A session, and then they also played charades (the audience’s category choice was overwhelmingly “animals” which was not my pick — I was in the minority who wanted them to act out kpop songs, but whatever). Super fucking fun though, especially watching their awkward display of aegyo.

(I’m obsessed with aegyo. I wish Henry more of it.)

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Meanwhile, Henry and Chooch were across the street in the other part of the convention that had all of the food and kpop vendors, but more importantly: the large, air-conditioned Amazon Mobile Masters tent. Chooch pretty much camped out in there and it was soooo boring to me. However, while I was in my fan engagement, Chooch got involved in some contest inside. There was an area with a bunch of Amazon Fires set up, and every so many hours there was a new game challenge going on. From 10-12, it was Crossy Roads. Chooch loves that game, and the top 3 high scores won prizes. First places got an Amazon Fire, and Chooch was determined to win. By the time I made my way over there, he had the current high score with 30 minutes left.

He was stalking that area like a cat looking for a mouse. All the Amazon volunteers thought it was hilarious and kept teasing him. “That guy’s coming close to beating your score, you want me to kick him?” one of them jokingly said to Chooch who looked like he was about to chew through his lip.

He was making me nervous with his pacing, so Henry and I went outside to look at all of the things he wouldn’t let me buy because I’m not a 16-year-old with a locker to decorate, UGH. However, I did buy a Twice pin at one of the booths, because they were raffling off a Twice Candybong (that’s what Twice’s light sticks are called,  I TEACH YOU SO MUCH!) and in order to enter, all you had to do was purchase one Twice-related item from their booth. I had my eye on the Twice zombie pin anyway, so I gladly bought it. The girl at the booth told me that I just had to put down my contact info on a clipboard after some other girl was finished with it, so I was standing there patiently when some fucking pushy dickhead guy came barreling through the crowd and said, “I WANT TO ENTER TOO” and started PULLING THE CLIPBOARD from the girl while she was still writing, I couldn’t even believe his audacity, maybe because I wasn’t raised to have total disregard for those around me, and it always blows my mind when I witness this kind of ME ME ME I WANT IT NOW behavior. It was the only disheartening moment of all of KCON, fan-wise, which I guess is a good thing. Most people were super chill and not pushy assholes at all.

“You have to buy something from this booth in order to enter,” I said, but he completely ignored me and went right on scribbling his shitty info down.

“He’s going to be the one who wins, too,” I cried to Henry afterward, who asked if I said something to the girl at the booth, but NO I DIDN’T because I’m tired of always being the fucking tattle-tale in life. I didn’t want some pointless confrontation to sully my experience at KCON so I chose to move on with my Twice pin shining brightly on my shorts next to G-Dragon. <3

(Spoiler: I didn’t win the Candybong.)

Back inside the Amazon tent, things were heating up. Chooch made frenemies with some guy who didn’t care about the challenge until he found out what the prizes were, and then he came close to beating Chooch’s score while Chooch was nervously hulking around, wringing his hands and dabbing his brow.

One of the Amazon guys came over and asked, “He yours?” and then started cracking up when I said sighed. Chooch won over all the Amazon people in there and I feel like they were would have been just as sad as Chooch if he lost.

Butttttt, he doesn’t lose. Because he’s freaking Good Luck Chooch. So then we had to stick around while the brat was presented with his Fire and got his picture taken in the Winner’s Chair.

Maybe I should have entered that Candybong raffle in Chooch’s name. :(

“I’m glad I came in first and not second because that prize was an Echo, and I already won one of those yesterday,” Chooch said with a wave of his hand, like the Echo was quite literally yesterday’s news. I can’t believe this kid and his luck.

I drowned my bitterness in a piping hot cup of ttkeokbokki after that and all was right in the world again.

Then after lunch, we were walking past the convention stage and the I Love K-Food people were there, tossing some of their products out into the crowd. OF COURSE Chooch’s grubby hand shot up and snatched the very last thing of ramen that was chucked.

Ugh.

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This video is actually from the first day, I think, but I can’t stress enough how much fun I had watching people dance. The dancing is really what drew me into kpop in the first place, because the exercise routines I do adapt a lot of moves from the music videos and incorporate it into the aerobics. I have very little rhythm and fail miserably anytime I try to learn legit choreography, but this method works for me. I wish I could do the official dances though! I’ll keep trying and hoping that it clicks.

After milling about for another hour or so, we decided to leave so that Chooch and I wouldn’t be totally drained at the concert later, like we had been the night before. That’s a lot of time under the sun. We wanted to get ice cream, anyway, and I can’t believe that there were no stands at KCON serving patbingsoo, or any type of bingsoo for that matter! What a disservice to the KCON patrons!

This was the line for one of the fan engagements as we were leaving.

We took a Lyft back to the hotel and grabbed our car. I found a place on my least favorite app, Yelp, called Nasto’s. It was supposed to be a classic establishment in Newark but I was more interested in going because of the name.

It turned out to be a good choice because they had a thing I’ve never heard of called tartufo – I had the peanut butter version and it was AMAZING. Like a large ice cream version of a buckeye.

Are buckeyes regional? I don’t know, but my Grandma Kelly used to make them all the time when I was a kid and they were the best buckeyes I’ve ever had. Literally just a small nug of PB coated with glorious chocolate. The best. So this was like an inflated one of those, with a delicious mound of vanilla ice cream underneath that cap of chocolate, with ribbons of sweet-ass peanut butter swirling through it like candied veins. Ugh, it was so good that Chooch immediately ordered one too after just seeing mine.

Henry got a scoop of cannoli and something else that he can’t remember because he’s lame. I feel like we were not getting along around this time for some reason and it probably had nothing to do with the fact that I needed a nap.

Copying me.

I consulted Roadside America for some adventure ideas but almost everything was in NYC. I did find some type of cemetery that had like, tunnels in it or something, that wasn’t too far away. Henry was so angry because we ended up having to go over some toll bridge, and then I started flipping out because I looked to the right and the Statue of Liberty was RIGHT THERE, like very close, and I am seriously terrified of the Statue of Liberty, to the point where I’m pretty certain I will never be able to tour it like a true American and that’s something that I will have to carry with me on my own, OK, so don’t try to reason with me!

But then NYC was right there too, a stone’s throw away, and Chooch was freaking out because he wanted to go so badly and I did too (mostly because there are 58 different ice cream places over there on my list) but there was just no way we could swing it. And then the cemetery we were looking for turned out to be super small with no parking and some type of festival/farmers market was happening so we were like FUCK THIS and went back to the hotel to get some rest before the concert, and by “get some rest,” I mean that Chooch and I went to the fitness room and proceeded to sweat our asses off like maniacs training for the Giddy Olympics while Henry went to Subway to get us dinner.

Only one more part left to go of the KCON saga. OMG, can you manage to trudge through to the end?!

Now that I have had a few days to rest and reflect upon my time at KCON….I still don’t feel like I can accurately recount it here. It was all such a fantastic, surreal blur.

It was almost perfect. As with most festivals and conventions, there were definitely some kinks and quirks that could be tweaked, but overall my experience was pretty freaking phenomenal.

I guess now would be the time in the blog post where I consider that perhaps not everyone reading this knows what KCON is. WELL LET ME TELL YOU! It’s a huge 2-day convention in Newark, NJ for not just Kpop, but all things Hallyu: food, culture, beauty, travel — if your heart aches for Korea, then this is the convention for you. There’s also a KCON in LA, Paris, Japan, and Mexico. It’s a lifestyle, you guys. I feel like with Kpop, you either: don’t know about it, don’t like it, or FUCKING THRIVE ON IT LIKE IF OXYGEN HAD A BEAT TO IT. I somehow was able to last for more than a year being just a casual listener before it finally sunk its candy vampire teeth into my jugular and turned me into a Koreaboo of the Night.

In addition to the convention, there is also a huge concert inside the Prudential Center both nights, with nine groups performing in total. I’m not going to lie: tickets were expensive. I already gave G-Dragon half of my vital organs & monthly salary for VIP tickets to his upcoming concert, so nosebleed seats at KCON it is!

Before we left the hotel Friday morning, I made sure we each had on a BIGBANG pin: G-Dragon for me (natch), T.O.P. for Chooch, and Taeyang for Henry “I Don’t Wear Jewelry” Robbins. Taeyang was removed immediately after the above photo was captured.

:(

Whatever – Chooch and I were stoked.

Actually, Chooch had no clue what he was getting himself into, but he pretty much will go along with anything.

Since we registered early, there wasn’t much of a rush for us to get there before 10am, but then I got an alert saying that SF9 was appearing on the small convention stage outside in 20 minutes so I rushed them out of the hotel and into the Lyft that conveniently arrived 2 minutes after Henry ordered it. Our Lyft driver got us to the Prudential Center in no time, after trying in vain to make conversation with Tight-Lipped Hank (“What’s going on at the Prudential Center?” “A convention.”). My favorite part was when she rapidly flipped radio stations when the morning radio DJs started talking about large penises. We all started cracking up and Chooch decided she was the best Lyft driver ever and was mad that Henry didn’t try to request her the next day.

The convention technically wasn’t even open yet, but the stage was in a “free zone” where literally any hobo could slither on up and spectate without a wristband. There was some promotional video being filmed with SF9, hence the KCON text alert, so we stood there and watched the awkwardness. The text said they would be dancing, but they only did a quick 10 second thing for the video and Henry was all REALLY WE RUSHED HERE FOR THAT?!

Then we walked around Newark and ate breakfast at some weird Greek place where I had a $4 fruit salad that was actually not too bad except it had a ton of grapes and I’m weird with grapes. Sometimes they make my tongue feel strange, OK?! But the pineapple and watermelon made up for it. I was trying to keep my breakfast light because I wanted to eat so much Korean food all day long. (Spoiler alert: I did not eat Korean food all day long because it was hot as fuck out there and the sun boiled my appetite right off my body.)

We got back to the Prudential Center around 10 and there was a HUGE line to get into the PyeongChang Winter Olympic section of the convention, which was in a separate lot and required wristbands to be scanned in and bags searched. It’s also where all the panels were taking place and there weren’t any I was super interested in, so we checked out the portion of the convention that didn’t require any checking in – the main drag that was loaded with all the good booths, like the Toyota tent where all the dance-offs were happening throughout the day, the InnisFree tent (BEAUTY PRODUCTS FROM JEJU ISLAND, YES PLEASE) and DramaFever which is where Henry and I watch all of our K-Drama (premium subscription up in here).

I decided that this inaugural post will focus on the first cool thing that happened to me at KCON. But let me back this bitch up first. I’m still a big Kpop n00b so I’ve been learning a lot about all the quirks and nuances that go along with being a part of fan groups, etc. Most of this knowledge comes from watching vlogs on YouTube.  Yeah, I know, am I really even 37 years old. Anyway, I watch a ton of these things because Kpop is fascinating, the fans are nuts (mostly in good ways) and the lifestyle is just….well, it’s a lifestyle. So what I learned a while back through my research is that there are these things at kpop concerts and conventions called “hi-touches” where fans literally line up to gently touch hands with a kpop group. And at KCON, there are different levels of tickets you can purchase, the two highest ones come with hi-touch “guarantees.” But for the rest of us plebs, we got actually scratch-offs when we registered to determine if we would get the opportunity to participate in any of these fan engagements. For Chooch and me, we only got the chance to win the chance to be in the audience to watch OTHER people engage in the hi-touch. That’s how I won the opportunity to be in the audience during Up10tion’s fan engagement, but that wouldn’t be until day 2 of the convention.

I was happy for any opportunity, to be honest, because I was a KCON virgin and wanted to do as much as I could!

HOWEVER.

Chooch and I visited the DramaFever booth because we saw they were giving away prizes and taking pictures, and my face hadn’t yet turned into a two day old Thanksgiving glazed ham left out in the beating sun, so I was trying to get these photo ops in the bag as soon as possible.

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I didn’t even hesitate to throw on the red scarf because Goblin is my favorite K-drama!

After having our picture taken, I had to post it on Instagram with whatever the hashtag was and then DramaFever would let you participate in their game, which was like a slot machine game and if you got three matches (of the picture you tagged on IG), then you won whatever prize was listed on the screen. I wasn’t expecting to win because I don’t usually win these types of things, but we did and it was a Fan Engagement! I figured it was probably going to be another audience thing for Up10tion since they were pretty much the  newest, littlest-known group there that weekend, but no!

I GOT A FREAKING HI-TOUCH!

FOR KNK!

OK, so KNK isn’t really huge or anything yet either but I at least knew several of their songs so I was really excited for this experience!

Of course, Chooch was all butt-hurt because he felt like he won just as much as I did but I was the one who got the prize. So the DramaFever people took pity on him and let him choose a consultation prize.

He chose a Goblin fan. <3

I was so excited that I got this Hi-Touch that I even texted Todd a picture of it, because we were talking about it one day at work and he just thought it was the dumbest/crazies concept – like, you don’t even get to say anything to these people, that’s how quickly you’re herded past them like starstruck cattle. Even Todd thought this was exciting though!

About 15 minutes after winning it, I had the thought to maybe check and see when this thing was even happening, because the card had no info on it. I found a schedule for the fan engagements on KCON’s instagram and realized that it was going to happen in 30 minutes. Yikes. I found a long line that wrapped around one side of the Prudential Center, and determined it was the right line after asking several girls if it was the KNK Hi-Touch line. Henry and Chooch were like, “OK great have fun bye” and wandered off to check out more booths, leaving me with all these giddy girls in their late teens/early 20s; most of them had hand-made signs too, some were even written in Hangul. You don’t see this shit at Warped Tour, you guys.

While I was in line, I started to fixate on my hands.

My gross, grimy American grabbers. My moist, sweat-slick paws. My clammy, pig-swelled human hocks that were about to touch super-fine Korean hands that were probably lotioned and powdered with the magical secretions of Seoul and then preserved in silk gloves before it was time to meet the fans. Why didn’t I try to find a trough to wash my meatfists in, or just lop them off altogether….UGH WHAT TO DO!

Then the line started to move and I had no choice but to walk it out.

There were numerous checkpoints where we had to show our Hi-Touch proof to staff members. The worst part was once we got through the doors of the Prudential Center where the real security checkpoint was happening. It was such a K-cluster. First, we had to place our bags down on a table and then move ahead to get security-wanded, which was fine except that people behind me started purposely putting their bags in front of mine and the two girls who were in front of me, so that after they got wanded down, their bags were already checked and good to go!

The other girls just stood there meekly, not speaking up, but I was all, “OH FUCK NO” and pointed this out to the security lady who was half-assedly rummaging through the bags with her plastic stick.

“Aw hell nah,” she sighed, and then yelled over her shoulder to the lady at the other table, “SEE? I done TOLD you this wasn’t going to fucking WORK!” and then she started yelling at the other bitches in line to slow their roll while she finally searched my shiny pink laser gun purse and the purses of the other girls next to me who were practically in tears by this point.

Ugh it was so annoying! Kpop fans are mostly cool but not when it comes time to Hi-Touch a motherfucker. Christ.

Anyway, once this was over with, I walked into a dark gymnasium-type room. There were bleachers on one side, so I guess it was some kind of auxiliary arena within the Prudential Center? Looked like a basketball thing. But what do I know. There was a small stage set up at the end and another checkpoint next to a small barricade, which was meant to separate the audience from the people who won the hi-touch.

Immediately, I did not fit in. At all. Everyone was so young and scream-y and holding up their handmade foam signs and I was just like, “WHO EVEN AM I ANYMORE?” but you guys, it was pretty fucking incredible. Even though I was just “eh” about KNK, it was impossible to not get swept up in the mania of it all. So when a cameraman was panning his camera across the crowd, I screamed my fucking face off along with everyone else.

Also — there were commercials playing on a small screen on the stage and Kwang-soo and Ha Ha from Running Man were in one so my heart got all warm and fluttery like butterflies were fornicating in one of the chambers. It was just really exciting to be around all these things that I love, outside of my house!

And then Daniel Lim came out to get us all stoked, and this was how I learned that KNK’s fans are called Tinkerbells, so that was something.

What I remember most from this fan engagement was SCREAMING.

Just tons and tons of screaming.

No—shrieking. And wailing. And flailing.

Bitches were in stitches over the KNK sighting.

There was a short (and awkward thanks to the language barrier) Q&A session, mostly things like, “How do you like New York?” and “What is your favorite American food?” Dude on the end said Big Macs because that’s the only American food he’s had, and the second guy said “hot dog” and then mimed the eating of a hot dog. It was pretty fucking adorable, I’m not going to lie, and I felt myself falling in love with them with the quickness.

Then they played a quick round of charades which was super cute. The audience chose “Kpop groups” as the category so the guys doing the Charading just basically busted out signature moves from each group’s music videos and we all ate it up, especially when it was a girl group.

After about 30 minutes of talking and charading, it was time for the Hi Touch action and I was actually getting nervous! I have only ever seen these beautiful groups in YouTube videos, and now I was minutes away from seeing five of them in real life and I couldn’t even believe my luck! The line started on the side of the room I was standing on, so I was only about 30 people back from the front of the line. We had to relinquish our hi-touch cards to the security guard letting us through to the side of the stage, so there was no chance of keeping it as a souvenir or hopping back in line for a hi-touch second serving.

From what I’ve seen and read, hi-touches are very strict in that you can’t take selfies or video or really even say more than a succinct “annyeonghaseyo.” But I heard some girl in line with me ask if we were allowed to take video and I swear I heard the staff member say yes. Or at least that’s what it sounded like.

So…I went for it.

And by the time I made it to the second guy at the table, someone swooped in from my left and swatted my phone down.

I was like, “OMG I’M SO SORRY I DIDN’T KNOW” because congratulations, Erin, you just made yourself look like a fucking rude, entitled Caucasian Trump-voting asshole.  I am such a staunch rule-follower too when it comes to these types of things so this pained me real bad and it was all I could do not to dwell on it for the rest of forever.

But regardless of my gaffe, the boys in KNK were so sweet and their smiles were like slivers of moonbeams and their hands were so soft and perfectly room-temperature and they didn’t even seem like the act of rubbing flesh with all these crazy fans was making them swallow their own bile at all. Such patient angels! 

Here I am in line to walk onto the stage. That might be the guy on the left who would later swat my phone away like it was a machete or a Meghan Trainor CD.

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What a surreal, bizarre experience. I loved every fucking second of it (except for when I broke the Kpop law) even though it was basically the definition of objectification in motion, a long line of salivating girls (and boys) waiting for their 5 seconds of skinship. 

And while all of this was happening, Chooch was outside at the Asiana Airlines tent, spinning a wheel and winning an Amazon Echo. KCON is a fucking DREAM.

I started off the day learning the hard way that you musn’t spray canola oil on a hot pan. If I hadn’t already lost most of my eyebrows during the Great Overplucking of the 90s, today would have been their funeral fo sho. 

I was running around screaming about the injustice of it all, like who is supposed to know that would happen?? when Henry calmly said, “Well, everyone. It says it on the directions.”

“The PAN has directions?!” I cried. 

“No! The can of cooking spray!”

“Srsly? Why does a can of cooking spray need directions? Like, who would read that?” I said indignantly. 

“People like YOU are the reason those directions are there,” Henry sighed. 

(I know you guys: how does Henry “tolerate” me? He must be a “Saint.” “Job is going to shake his hand when he gets to Heaven.” Because our relationship is something he “tolerates” or “puts up with.”)

Honestly though, that flame went up SO HIGH. This is what happens when Henry takes too long waking up and I take breakfast matters into my own hands. :/

It’s all his fault. Just like it was his fault for failing to buy me a bag of coffee for work, creating a MAJOR CRISIS last Friday which culminated in Catherine and I colluding in a dangerous k-cup robbery from Lori’s office which I tried to reason was ok because one time she told me I was welcome to the candy she keeps in the one drawer and her k-cups were one drawer beneath that one, so…And then Catherine was so fraught with guilt that she left a dollar on Lori’s desk. The much anticipated conclusion to this is that Lori returned to work on Wednesday amd Catherine FLEW into her office before Lori even set her purse down, blurting out her confession and waiting to receive penance. There was a tense moment when we weren’t sure if Lori was going to throw a stapler and yelled, “Cash me ousside!” but turns out she had used up all her fucks on games 3 and 4 of the Stanley Cup finals and had little left in the tank to use on a stolen k-cup. She even gave Catherine her dollar back (had I known, I would have stolen that too!) Then when Todd got to work later that day, he said, “Oh yeah, I’m telling Lori you stole from her” and I was like OMG SHE ALREADY KNOWS! EVERYONE KNOWS! I’M A DIRTY THIEF!

I mean…

Ahem. 

SUBJECT CHANGE. 

Here are some pictures from this day, Saturday, June 10, 2017. 

We moved Chooch’s keyboard out of his bedroom and onto the backporch. Well, let me rephrase that: Henry and I kept saying that’s what we were going to but Chooch is the one who finally did it on his own accord because he was tired of waiting for his parents to finish watching Running Man and take care of him. 

Last night, I walked past him and saw that he had found the music for BigBang’s “Haru Haru” and decided to try and learn it! The coolest part is that he realized one of the notes was off and FIXED IT. He’s really good at playing by ear, which is something he definitely didn’t get from either one of us. 

He played it for Henry and made him guess what it was. Henry knew it was Bigbang right away but not what song because Henry never knows song names except for Ted Nugent ones. 

Early afternoon, we went to Kohl’s so I could buy new jeans and for the first time in years I didn’t have an emotional breakdown in the fitting room, 고맙습니다, Korea!!!!

Anyway, the whole point of mentioning Kohl’s is that there were these two middle-aged women loudly airing their dirty laundry RIGHT NEXT TO THE LAUREN CONRAD SECTION so I had to stand practically butted up against them, enduring their not-even-interesting drama. They were there every time I came back around and at one point I said loudly to Henry that they should take their lame bitch fest out to the parking lot instead of polluting our ears with it, because that’s how I handle conflict with strangers: passive aggressively, with loud immaturity. 

It was honestly the only time I was mad all day though so that’s pretty huge. I’m usually mad MANY times. 

I imprinted on this red leaf banana thing at some nursery we went to today. 

“Who imprints on a banana leaf plant?!” Henry cried. 

Um, me — I literally just said that?!

Henry wouldn’t buy it because it was $80 and that’s like a lot for a plant I guess? I literally do not know the value of a dollar. 

Chooch chose a plant for himself and mused, “I’ll name him A-ha, because I want to take him on.” OK, 80s kid?

Pet cemetery visit:( Chooch and I got really emotional and Henry didn’t know what to do so he just walked away because he doesn’t love animals. 

Obligatory ice cream from Yough Twist down the street from the pet cem. “Ugh I forgot this place has the inferior sprinkles!” I cried with my head back, dramatic damsel I am. 

“What’s wrong with them?” Henry and Chooch asked in tandem. 

“Well in addition to not being properly rainbow, they have a chalky taste,” I snapped because duh, just look at them. 

Beneath the inadequate sprinkled shell sat a perfect black raspberry & vanilla twist though, so once I hate-ate the sprinkles, I was good to go. 

Henry and Chooch also had ice cream, blah blah blah. 

Drew is like, “No really, you can trust me. I’m just gonna sit on them and help them grow.” 🙄

But seriously, these little propagations are coming along swimmingly in spite of PENELOPE digging them up once a week. 

Henry made me a snack plate with pineapple, kimchi, and pickled daikon – it was so refreshing. So refreshing that I went back for more pineapple which I then left out on the kitchen counter.  

“You left the pineapple out,” Henry said when he was visiting the kitchen later on. He sighed and put it away. 

Which is the exact outcome I expected, so why bother putting it away myself?

*******

In other news, G-Dragon’s new music is the most wonderful thing I’ve heard in so long and it made it to #1 on iTunes in 39 countries including the US which is crazy to me because most Americans I know are incredibly narrow-minded & ignorant when it comes to anything that’s not in English. Omg so weird and inferior. 

I still can’t believe I’m going to see him next month! I was thinking about it on the trolley yesterday, trying to imagine how I will react when I first see him, and I started to cry openly in front of people which sadly isn’t the first time that’s happened on the trolley. Dat bi-polar life, y’all.

******

It’s 8’oclock now and Chooch has stains all over my treasured Howard Jones shirt. Should I cry, laugh, or burn down the kitchen for real this time? I JUST DONT KNOW. GOODBYE. 

https://instagram.com/p/BUgEgz5lzz1/

On my way to work today, one of the G-Dragon fan accounts I follow on Instagram (DON’T JUDGE) posted this snip of GD laughing from the last Run BIGBANG Scout episode (which was so adorable, btw, and I cried) and it just instantly cheered me up. HIS FACE!

Of course the first thing I did when I got to work was squeal, “DO YOU WANT TO SEE THE CUTEST THING EVER?!” to Glenn, who is the worst audience for these types of inquiries but I’ll never learn.

“Is it puppies or kittens?” he mumbled, not looking up from whatever riveting thing he had on his computer screen. PROBABLY SOME COMMENT SECTION SINCE HE’S A TROLL.

“NO EVEN BETTER IT’S G-DRAGON LAUGHING OMG,” I wheezed, shoving my phone at him.

He only glanced at it and then sighed, closing his eyes in defeat.

“LOOK AT HIM, GLENN!” I yelled.

“I did! I looked once. That’s enough,” he said, resuming his boring, American day.

**********

Later, I was talking to Lori about this and first, she asked me when I’m ever going to learn, but then she asked me when the G-Dragon concert is and I told her July 30.

“I can’t believe I’m going to see his face in real life,” I said all dreamily with googly eyes just like girls did in the 50s when they talked about cute soda jerks or whatever.

“We should make a countdown calendar,” Lori suggested. “I’m going to make one.”

This of course got me all wound up and I excitedly told Glenn and Amber. 

“Why do you encourage her?” Glenn asked Lori, while I was busy making Diabolical Finger Steeples at him.

I’m going to make a sparkly dragon to move along all the squares of the countdown calendar!

Sandy overheard this and called out from her office, “How long until the concert?”

“TWO MONTHS AND FIVE DAYS!” I shouted across the floor. 

I couldn’t see Sandy from my desk but I bet she was probably repeatedly slamming her hand in a desk drawer at the thought of two more months of G-Dragon anticipation. 

And then I told Amber about how Glenn didn’t have the appropriate response to the G-Dragon Laughing video. 

“Well she hyped it up as the cutest thing in the world,” Glenn defensively said to Amber. 

“Was it?” she asked. 

“No!” he said. 

Maybe if I post it in a comment section….

Me: Ugh why is Balance & Composure so fucking perfect?

Henry: I don’t know….?

Me: UGH WHY DO YOU HATE THEM?!

***********

Ok so maybe Henry doesn’t hate them per se, but he definitely isn’t a fan either and had zero guilt whatsoever about dropping me off in the Land of Post-Penguins Game Drunks on Sunday for their show at the Rex. It would be the third time seeing them in less than a year and you better believe I don’t take that shit for granted.

The height of my B&C obsession was last fall. We got SUPER hot&heavy, you guys, and I’m ok with sharing that because we’re all friends here. Their most recent album stayed on my record player for months and Henry and Chooch were all wide-eyed and tense. So while I might be all up on the Hallyu jock currently, I will always drop the Hangul long enough to let in some All American sad boy rock.

I arrived shortly after doors and had friendly banter with the bouncer, who asked if he could add to my collection of wristbands, or if I wanted to take my old one off (I usually keenmy wristbands on until they wear off on their own: my name is Erin and I’m disgusting). I shrugged and opted to take it off, so he rummaged in his pocket for what—A KNIFE? SCISSORS? A HACKSAW?—but I had already yanked the wristband off on my own. He acted like he was so impressed and made a “u so strong, girl” motion with his arms.

I love that guy.  Last time I was there, we struggled to work the ATM together. Not all bouncers are dicks, I guess!

Then I nearly got duped into changing electric companies (again!) by some girl who was standing at the door and I thought she wanted to take my ticket but NO she was just trying to start another fight between me and Henry. I literally just got persuaded by a cute college boy last fall to switch to some environmentally-sound clean energy thing and it sounded great but it was going to raise our bill by like three dollars and Henry had a fit because he googled the company and found review after review of horror stories from customers who got taken and everyday he was like DID YOU CALL AND CANCEL YET? YOU BETTER FUCKING CALL AND CANCEL.

God lay off, pops!

Anyway, when I tried to hand her my ticket, she was all, “Oh no, I don’t need that. But say, maybe you could help me? Do you like the environment?” And I said yes because sure. But as she said that, I noticed the paper she was holding said CLEAN ENERGY so when she asked if I oh the electric bill in my household, I said “No my dad does” BECAUSE IM ON TO YOU NOW, YOU LITTLE TREE HUGGER.

J/K I like trees.

“Oh! Well, when you get your own electric bill, look us up!” she said, and I was like, “Byeeeee suckaaaaa!”

(My tangents are the signs of someone desperate for compassionship. Henry doesn’t count. He’s exceptionally skilled at tuning me out. probably that’s how he cansleep  through concerts too.)

So now I was officially inside the Rex. It wasn’t very crowded yet so I slunk on over to the side of the stage because you know me, that good ol’ side bitch.

I mean…

Normally at shows, I can immediately spot the other loners in the crowd, but this show was populated by groups of friends and COUPLES WHO LIKE THE SAME MUSIC. Like, 75% of the crowd was on a date.

And then there’s me.

Leaning against a wall.

Next to a garbage can.

Le sigh!

Sometimes I feel like going to shows by myself is getting to be “not so bad” but this was not one of those nights. In fact, I was so self-conscious that I distracted myself by blogging about the last show I went to.  I literally blogged at a show about another show.

My life is so rich.

Thankfully, the first band—Queen of Jeans, from Philly— started right at 8 so I had something to do other than fidget with my phone, looking all loner-y and suspicious.

I had never heard of Queen of Jeans before and wasn’t expecting much. When I saw that three of them were girls, and two of them were dressed in various shades of 1970s afghan brown, I totally judged that book by its cover and wrote them off to be some riot grrl band. You know me! Picky with girl bands.

Anyway, you’ll be smug to know that I was wrong in my assumptions, and I ended up really, and I mean truly really very madly, loving them. Like a lot. The singer (Miriam – I’ve been reading some things, I do that sometimes, try to get some cold hard facts before I start laying down my super opinionated words) had the most unexpected voice, kind of reminiscent of Stacy King (Sucre, ex-Eisley), but with so much more power. I mean, this girl could BELT IT OUT. And the other two fucking slayed that stage right along with her, while the drummer, the lone dude, knew his place in the back. (J/K – he was incredible too.)

I can’t remember the last time I was at a show where the opening band was unknown to everyone there, yet still managed to get the whole crowd so hyped. We were LOVING it, totally eating out of their hands. They could have told us to scream, “FLYERS RULE” and….well, no, we probably wouldn’t have done it. THAT’S JUST GOING TOO FAR.

They ended with a cover.

“It’s 90s R&b,” Miriam gave us as a hint. “She’s dead.”

Right away, I was thinking Aaliyah because I’m old and used to be a yo-girl, that shit was my wheelhouse. But I didn’t want to yell it out loud by myself, so I said nothing.

AND GUESS WHAT I WAS RIGHT, UGH.

Here’s the tail end of it, where they were fucking shredding and we all lost our minds:

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And here’s a full one, please enjoy. Have a drink and relax:

The second band was From Indian Lakes. I have been wanting to see them again ever since the first Riot Fest I went to in 2014, when I was walking past the small stage they were playing on and did the whole HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE stop-in-my-tracks-while-Henry-keeps-walking thing.

I think I was body-snatched during their set because I barely remember it aside from the initial text I sent Henry that said, “OMFG I forgot how good they are!” I absolutely cannot remember anything now. Should I be concerned?!

I do remember that they had a bright white neon marquee that said F I L and I had a fleeting thought of, “LOL, father in law” and then I was clearly hypnotized. It’s the only explanation.

Aside from aliens.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is that I went to see Balance & Composure and was caught up in the rapture just like Anita Baker and shooooooo lawd, if I could see these guys once a month maybe you could start calling me religious. As soon as Jon Simmons starts doing his dreamy Midnight Zone dance, I SUDDENLY FIND GOD.

I’m just over here fanning my face, please hold.

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They played all of my faves: Midnight Zone, Postcard, Tiny Raindrop, Quake, Reflection, Tore You Apart….OK every song they played is my favorite because there’s not a single song I dislike in their whole entire discography. They are perfect, in my opinion. And just what I needed to cap off an already wonderful weekend. Sometimes, the social anxiety is worth it when the reward is a night of beautiful music that sticks with you.

Be my prom date, B&C.

**********

It was after 11pm by the time I got home and Chooch kept asking me if I was hungry, which I thought was strange because since when does he care about how or what I’m feeling?

“No, it’s after 11 and I’m ready for bed, not food,” I said. But he just kept it up, until finally I was like, “OMG, if YOU’RE hungry, eat something then go to bed!”

“Are you sure you don’t want an ENGLISH MUFFIN?” he asked, not so subtly stressing the “english muffin” part. He did everything but the wink-wink, nudge-nudge.

Finally, I figured out that he was trying to lure me over to the toaster so that I could see they bought a new one while I was at the show. No more burnt bagels!

“We don’t even have English muffins, so it’s a good thing you didn’t say yes,” Henry mumbled.

“Do you want to listen to a RECORD?!” Chooch asked from the back porch, practically sprawled across the table the record player sits on. And I noticed there was a new speaker sitting there. Wow, what a huge night for Henry and Chooch. Send a postcard about it. Five lines.

I have a lot of bands that I really love lots like tater tots, and I love the feeling I get when I see them live. But there is no feeling greater than the one I get when I see Emarosa. It’s so much more than just a concert: it’s an actual show. It’s crowd involvement. It’s an intense wave of raw energy that makes you forget everything else happening in the world, because for that small amount of time, Emarosa is inviting you into their world. And it’s chaotic and honest and nearly as beautiful as G-Dragon’s face.

You guys, they are my favorite band to see live, and I see A LOT of bands live!

Chooch and I already had tickets to see them last week in Pittsburgh, when  they were supporting Pierce the Veil, but when I saw they were also doing a handful of headlining shows on their off-dates from the PTV tour, I quickly bought three tickets for their Cleveland show at Mahall’s. Emarosa twice in one week? SO FUCKING BLESSED.

Plus, Mahall’s is a very intimate venue and I was excited to get all up close and personal. You gotta see Emarosa up close.

After spending a lovely afternoon polluting Cleveland with our idiocy, we got to Mahall’s right around the time doors were set to open. Do you even know me? I am rarely late to a show. I need to see it all! Anyway, Chooch spotted Bradley in the back of Emarosa’s van when we were walking past, so he started doing that thing he does where he starts to approach, then backs away, then approaches, then flings himself against a wall in anguish. I don’t know where he gets that. I have never had a problem talking to musicians. In fact, I’m the greatest at talking to musicians. No one talks to musicians in a more bigly great fashion than me. My confidence is uuuuge. So many people came out to see me talk to the last musician I talked to. So many!

#fakenews

But back to Chooch. There were several other people standing around, observing Chooch on the brink of a nervous breakdown and it was so awkward that I couldn’t watch any longer. “Please go with him, for Christ’s sake!” I hissed to Henry, giving him a gentle (lol) shove toward the van. So Henry was like FML and went to the back of the van to get Bradley’s attention.

I stayed by the door to Mahall’s because I’m too cool for that shit.

SIKE.

I was too busy staring into my phone screen, willing it to suck me in and away from this situation. I’m always so worried that Bradley is going to think we’re psycho stalkers, or that we’re trying to use him for perks or whatever, but that is totally not who we are – we all, as a family, love Emarosa and their music so much. There are very few bands that all three of us equally enjoy, so it really brings us closer as family (lol, j/k – we fought like 87 times that day, but the fun we had negated that so we’re cool, guys, don’t worry).

Bradley came out of the van and hugged Chooch, etc but I still wouldn’t go over there because I was too scared, for god’s sake. I’m 12, remember?

According to Henry, Bradley said something like, “Wow, you don’t stop!” to Chooch, since he had just seen him FOUR DAYS prior. Then he said that if he saw Chooch in the crowd, he was crowdsurfing that night.

I laughed when Henry told me, like what a cute threat, amiright?

Meanwhile, some guy standing near me outside saw Chooch with Bradley and he asked me, “Are you guys friends?” I wish! But I told him that we just casually know him from going to so many Emarosa shows and that Chooch really looks up to him. I mean, my kid rarely gets starstruck, but you put him near Christofer Drew from Never Shout Never or Bradley Walden from Emarosa, and that boy has eight tongues that are all tied together and then shot 4 times with Novacaine.

He’s not talking anytime soon.

“Bradley’s a good role model to have!” the guy said, and I was like, “Yeah, he really is.” Especially when after seeing Emarosa, Chooch pulled out his Sing Machine for the first time in like, a year. I  think he feels really inspired by them and that is just the best thing any parent could ask for.

Please, please, please let him have a future in music!

Then when we were inside waiting to get our tickets, Bradley came in and hugged me and I was like JUST BE COOL, ERIN, DON’T DIE.

Really though, how far we’ve come from the days of being ridiculed by a former singer for driving five hours to see his band play in Buffalo because I couldn’t get the night off work to see them when they were in Pittsburgh (OMG I’m such a loser for having a job and being broke but STILL making the drive to see your shitty face) to having the current singer say it’s nice to see me.

But enough about the past – back to the show!

There were five bands playing that night much to Chooch’s chagrin. He just wants to get in there, see the band he wants to see, and go the fuck home. Eleven-year-olds, you know? Pfft. He survived the first band – Keys and Corridors – but then “had to go the bathroom” which means he wanted to go back out to where the pinball machines were.

I liked Keys and Corridors though! Anytime there’s a girl in the band, I hope with all my heart that I will like it because we need more bands with girls.

And this one had two!

Chooch came back before the second back, Forage and Wander (I think?), started to play but he was being so fidgety and making me nervous, so I made Henry take him outside. Like he’s a dog. Take the dog for a walk, Henry! And here’s a bag for his messes.

Thank god Mahall’s has re-entry. God bless you, Mahall’s.

Anyway, the second band was fine. Nothing that my ears found inoffensive.

But the third band! Oh my sweetly-spanked Mussolini, this next band was everything I needed right then.

That sweet, melodic post-hardcore vibe taking me back to 2010? Check.

Immediate excitement that made me type things like #OBSESSED all over social media? Check.

Super hot frontwoman in a leather jacket with a voice that could knock you on your ass? Double check. 

I texted Henry and said, “You’re missing this band with a super hot girl singer” and LO AND BEHOLD, minutes later, Chooch and Henry sidled up next to me.

Wow, such coincidence.

Oh! Their name is Leav/e/arth. I even love their name!!

Honestly though, they gave me that excited feeling I used to get when I was younger, seeing a local band at Nick’s Fat City and thinking, “Wow, I can’t believe this band is from Pittsburgh!” That’s how I felt during their set: “Wow, Cleveland is so lucky that have this band!” I would try to see them as often as possible if I lived in Cleveland.

Just saying, Jason!

Also, I just saw that they’re on InVogue Records so now I’m going to start hounding the appropriate parties on Instagram for a Hotel Books / Leav/e/arth tour!

Next was Cedar Green, who are on this whole mini-tour of Emarosa’s. I thought that their name sounded familiar and then I realized that I saw them three years ago in Allentown, PA when they opened for Hands Like Houses and Slaves (ugh). Cedar Green had some technical difficulty during one of their songs (ER from Emarosa came out to help them behind the scenes which was so cool of him) but honestly I thought they were wonderful regardless. They had great energy and I know I say that a lot but have you ever seen a band that’s just kind of like…there? Then you know what I mean. I was happy to be able to support them, and when they did a Twenty One Pilots cover, Chooch was on board too.

I went over to talk to the guitarist after the show that night, and asked if they’re from Allentown. He confirmed this and seemed sincerely shocked that I not only had seen them before, but remembered it, too. He called the singer over to tell him, and he was also super excited about this. I love young bands that still have that humble graciousness – it’s adorable and it makes me so excited for them! I really hope they garner lots of new fans on this tour.

They remind me of summer. <3

Ugh, and then it was time for Emarosa! I’m going to cry at the memory of it because it was one of those nights that you wish you could gather up and stuff inside a snow globe, to relive with every gentle shake. LE SIGH. My emo heart, it bleeds.

I hope that if you’ve read any of my past Emarosa posts, you’ve taken some time out to listen to their music. If not – PLEASE do yourself a favor and check out their most recent album, 131. Their whole discography is beautiful and perfectly encapsulates each era of their journey, from Chris Roetter to Jonny Craig to Bradley Walden.

But…this current era with Bradley is tops, and it’s the best starting point for a new listener. PLEASE GO LISTEN AND REPORT BACK. I’ll wait.

At an Emarosa show, you’re going to get everything from:

• charmingly funny stage banter that doesn’t come off as trite
• literal acrobatics: Bradley usually does a backflip or two; picks up their bassist and spins him upside down;  gives their guitarist a piggyback ride through the crowd; and if there’s anything around for him to climb and hang from, he’ll find a way,
• tons of crowd immersion (sometimes I think he spends more time singing in the middle of the floor than he does on stage),
• but most importantly, incredibly well-written, passionately-performed music.

And this night, Saturday May 13th at Mahall’s in Cleveland, had all of these things.

(Except the climbing, although it did seem like at one point Bradley was casing the ceiling for something to grab onto it.)

Here, just watch this. JUST WATCH IT!

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I was in tears from all of the beauty, when, in the middle of “Helpless,” Bradley pointed to Chooch and summoned him on stage. Chooch was trying to convince himself that the attention was actually for the girl next to him, but even she knew what was going on and turned to make room for Chooch.

So he goes on stage and I’m like OMG WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW ARE YOU KIDDING ME and then Bradley picked him up like a regular sack of potatoes and slowly launched him onto the waiting hands of the crowd. My fucking kid was crowd-surfing. I oscillated back and forth between: “FUCK YEAH MY KID IS CROWD-SURFING!” to “OMFG PLEASE DON’T GET DROPPED!”

I can’t even believe it. I mean, I can. Bradley doesn’t make idle threats, I guess. I mean, the night was already 100/100, but this just sky-rocketed it to extra-terrestrial levels of outrageousness. How is this band so great?!

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Chooch of course ran over to the merch table after the show so he could once again act all quiet and awkward in front of the band, and get another photo for his ME&BRADLEYFOREVER scrapbook (I’m just guessing he has one).

(The lighting was awkward!)

While I was getting my phone ready to take the picture, Bradley started whispering something to Chooch, and I figured it was probably something like, “Hey kid, stay in school” or “Be nice to your mom & dad, they love you” but NO.

Chooch told me as we were walking away that what he said was, “Why do you let your mom have that phonecase? Tell her to get rid of that.”

Ugh! Whatever! My phonecase is….lit? OK fine it’s dumb and clunky and something only someone riding on the back of a unicorn should have, but I love it. I mean, the manager at CVS asked to Snapchat it, for fuck’s sake!

It’s fine. No, I’m OK. I still love Emarosa.

(OK but seriously, if you made it to the end, now you have to go and listen to at least one song. And then buy their album. And a t-shirt. And then go see them. I’ll go with you, even. Maybe. If it’s within driving distance. And you’ll feed me.)

It’s hard to believe that nine years ago, I saw Emarosa open for Pierce the Veil at some dinky skate park venue in Buffalo, and now here I was with Chooch (a much better concert companion than the one I had in ’08), seeing them together again on a much larger scale.

Pierce the Veil is still the same band from way back when. Emarosa couldn’t be more different. Yet, the feelings (trying to stop saying FEELS all the time because Inannoy even myself) were still the same.

100%.

Henry dropped Chooch and me off at Stage AE right after work on Tuesday and I was READY. Chooch found joy in pointing out all the parents in line who were way older than me, so that was a fun game for me too, although it was also kind of bizarre because I don’t remember parents ever being at PTV shows back in the day – why are their fans getting consistently younger?!

Although in every case I’ve encountered, the parents were there because they actually like PTV too, so that’s something.

Standing in line was boring. Nothing exciting happened. No ice cream truck. I did happily shout, “TAMPON” when the security guard was patting me down and asked what was in my pocket.

And Henry mocks me for never being prepared. Pfft!

Chooch and I managed to get the same spot we had for Never Shout Never, a sweet spot against the railing, off to the right where absolutely no one crowds so we’re free to gesticulate wildly and Chooch can, god forbid, rest his weary 11-year-old bones between sets.

As soon as we claimed our spots, an older woman gave us a once-over and said, “Oh good, you’re here with a kid too!”

I get real defensive about this because I’m not just some chaperone. So I felt the need to explain that I have actually liked PTV for the last 10 years (I didn’t mention liking their first incarnation, Before Today, because I didn’t want to sound like an indigent hipster even though I do have the indignation part down pat).

“He likes them now too so he became my concert buddy,” I said, jutting an elbow back toward Chooch. Henry is still so thankful about this, btw.

Anyway, Yinzer Mom (that’s not nice – she was actually a lovely person who knew when it was fine to just stand together in silence without puffing out empty words all night) went on to tell me that her daughter got her into PTV last summer.

“I started listening to them while working out – I lost 50 pounds!” she exclaimed.

“It’s like you and Kpop!” Chooch butted in. Shut up, Chooch. The moms are talking.

It was cool to listen to an older person gush over a band that has been associated with teenage fans for as long as I’ve been into them. I don’t really understand why that is, because they’re so great, and for as many times as I’ve seen them (at least 20 times by now!), they have not put on one single bad show.

I asked her if she’d ever heard of Emarosa and she admitted that she hadn’t.

“You’re going to love them,” I promised. And then she told me that the last concert she attended was Kid Rock & Lynyrd Skynyrd 10 years ago.

Wow. Just wow.

Also, not surprising.

Then some other old broad rolled up with two young teen girls. They were standing on the floor below us, but the broad turned around to talk to us several times, my favorite of which was when she asked me if I liked Korn.

LOL.

For a minute in 1997? And then a second in 1999?

She must have been bitchin’ back in the day. I could tell by her form-fitting black attire, severely bleached hair, and faded sleeve full of hearts and daggers.

Ugh, I’m trying to do this new No Judgment thing and it’s hard. So very hard.

She was a very nice lady.

With some pretty poor choices.

The first band to play was Chapel. I had never heard of them and didn’t do my due diligence because it’s a struggle for me to leave my Korean bubble. I gave them nary a Spotify spin. I expected them to be moderately heavy, but instead we were treated with an electro-pop duo from Georgia who completely and unexpectedly slayed. The drummer was a bad-ass girl who, at one point, was beating a drum with her head. Chooch was enthralled.

He’s been learning how to play drums now too, in addition to piano. His teacher Cheryl dedicates the last 15 minutes of his piano lessons for some drummin’, and he is really into it.

“That’s your basic rock beat,” he said, nodding toward the stage during the intro  to one of the songs.

Yeah, Chooch and I were definitely fans of these guys.

https://www.instagram.com/p/BT9IM6Ih0_u/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

I kept thinking of Whitechapel in my head, and I’m glad that they didn’t sound like them.

After Chapel, it was EMAROSA TIME! It occurred to me that it had been nearly a year since we last saw them, and maybe I’m just spoiled but that is way too long and I’m glad we were able to rectify that shit. Chooch and I were fine not being closer to the stage because we’re also going to see them in Cleveland on Saturday, where they’ll be a doing an off-date headlining show at Mahalls. Way more intimate!

Bradley has bleached hair now and that was disorienting at first (Henry would have had a field day because he’s obsessed with noticing changes in band members’ hair), but then they started playing and it was like, “MY HEART IS HOME AGAIN.” How are they not taking over the world yet!?

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Bradley did all of the people-pleasing tricks: doing backflips on stage, literally immersing himself in the crowd, carrying their guitarist on his shoulders through the crowd. But most of all, he sang like a fucking anguished angel while the rest of Emarosa supported his vocals with intense instrumentals. There is no other way to explain an Emarosa show to someone other than it sounds like magic and you will be fucking engaged. Bradley will make sure of that. Every show I’ve been to, people go nuts, whether it’s their first time or fiftieth time experiencing the bombastic showmanship.

Afterward, I asked my new mom friend what she thought. I mean, she was fucking whistling (yes, she’s a whistler; sigh), fumbling to record with her phone, and screaming her crispy-haired head off.

“Holy shit! I was NOT expecting that,” she yelled. “When they first came on, I was like OK who is singing?! And then I was like, Oh! There he is, IN THE CROWD! They were AWESOME!”

I love experiencing someone’s first time with Emarosa! I’m starting to cry as I write this, someone give me a pill.

Immediately after their set, Bradley hopped off the stage and went straight back to Emarosa’s merch table, because he cares about his fans, you guys. The merch table was on  the opposite side of the venue from where we were standing and I didn’t want to lose our spots. I could have asked Yinzer Mom to save them for us I guess, but I hate talking to people.

“I’ll just go by myself,” Chooch said with a shrug, and off went my independent 11-year-old kid who doesn’t need me to hold his hand like I need Henry to hold mine. WHO IS THIS BOY!?

Anyway, he stood in line all by himself and he said Bradley playfully punched his arm when he noticed him. <3

Of course, Chooch didn’t say much because Bradley is the only person in the world who can take Chatty Chooch’s tongue. It’s amazing, really, how shy and clammed-up he becomes. But he got a picture!

<3<3<3

Chooch was angry because the guy who took the picture for them didn’t do a good job.

“It’s blurry!” he whined, and I was like, “Yeah but it’s still better than if Henry had taken it.”

Bradley asked where his parents were and Chooch was probably thinking in his head, “THEY ABANDONED ME WILL YOU ADOPT ME PLEASE BE MY NEW DAD” but instead, Chooch said he told Bradley that his mom was “over there somewhere.”

Yep that’s me, being a vigilant parent, on the other side of a venue full of drunk people and boobytraps and kidnappers.

The next band was Sum 41 and I was totally not looking forward to them. I kind of wished, selfishly, that they were the headliners so we could peace out after PTV, but no….they were right smack in the middle.

I’ve managed to go all these years without ever having to see them live, and I only know the songs “In Too Deep” and “Fat Lip.” So I was willing to give them a chance, because maybe they’d be fun. As the stage was being setup for them, the floor started to fill in with a lot of older persons; Yinzer bros who most definitely listen to nu-metal started pushing their way to the middle of the floor, sloshing their bro-beers around and just looking like genuine hooligans.

I was glad that we had a railing separating us from them because I could only imagine.

You guys. I’m probably going to offend people here, but Sum 41 now sits comfortably in my list of Top 20 Worst Bands I’ve Ever Had to Stand Through. Maybe they’re for you but THEY ARE NOT FOR ME. And apparently, not for my kid either, because he was ANGRY during their set.

He flipped them off several times, too.

Look, I’m glad Derrick Whibley didn’t like, die, or whatever, and that he got away from Avril Lavigne, but good goddamn, he is not very original with his crowd engagement and banter (getting the crowd to yell Fuck Yeah – so progressive).

Also, their set was like a billion decibels louder than the other three, and was definitely one of the loudest shows I’ve ever been to, and not in a good way. I was actually in pain, that’s how needlessly loud it was. Like, I actually wished I had earplugs.

I felt like a subwoofer was having me for dinner.

And when did Sum 41 become metal? It was basically 45 minutes of generic-sounding metal riffs, a quick Black Sabbath cover, a cover of We Will Rock You that they dragged out for 10  minutes because Derrick had to stop in the middle of it to fling more banal banter at the crowd while sauntering around the stage aimlessly.

Sum 41 guitar solos.

Sum 41 minutes I’ll never get back.

Sum 41 days of hearing loss.

Yeah, I hated them. It was the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus all over again.

It was years of enduring Dope because they wouldn’t stop touring with my beloved Cold.

It was just a waste of time. Go back to 2002, Sum 41.

But none of that mattered once Pierce the Veil came on!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BT9J7gJBXws/?taken-by=ohhonestlyconcerts

There’s not much I can say on this here blog other than they were utterly fantastic. From their stage design to the performance, it was flawless and entertaining and kept us all engaged – even my fickle kid who has been known to want to leave after three songs are played.

But he was really feeling it, and we kept elbowing each other each time our faves were played, or when Jaime would come to our side of the stage, or when legit smoke circles came bursting out into the crowd during “Circles.”

Mike’s drum set was on top of a giant stick of dynamite, even!

Pierce the Veil shows have it all!

Vic mentioned that 2017 marks TEN YEARS of them being a band and I can’t even believe it. Obviously, it makes me wistful for certain people, and a certain time in my life, but I’m glad that I can still go to these shows and not be completely sucker-punched with sadness anymore. Maybe it’s a new era. Maybe it’s because now I can share it with Chooch.

But it’s good now. Even when they threw it back to A Flair for the Dramatic – sure, I held my hands to my chest like a little old lady clutching her purse on the way to church….but no tears! I was TEAR FREE!

I AM SAVED, LORD JESUS!

I do miss the fluorescent clothes-wearing scene kids with side parts that used to make up the majority of the crowd, though. Those were the days. #StayPosi

No one even wears bows in their hair anymore!

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OMG, after they played “Stay Away From My Friends,” my new mom friend and I literally squealed and she elbowed me SO HARD (I’m delicate!) that it hurt but I’ll let it go this time since it was in the name of PTV.

Chooch was a happy boy because the last song of the encore was King For a Day. I wish that Besitos was still part of their set list, but their last album is so great that I don’t really miss it that much, I guess. (But it IS one of my favorites! God, Vic — aren’t you reading all of my letters!? Is it because they’re written in blood?!)

As we were leaving, we saw Chooch’s One True Love, Courtney, leaning against the bar with her boyfriend. Chooch has loved her since he was in 1st grade and she was the 8th grade mentor. Now she’s like, I don’t know, in some grade in high school, but we run into her a lot. We saw her earlier when she was crowd-surfing during PTV, so now I figure it’s only a matter of time before Chooch needs to step up his concert game and I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT SO MANY KIDS WERE WALKING PAST US WITH BLOODY NOSES AND I DON’T WANT MY SWEET LITTLE BOY TO BLEED WAAAAAH!

Sometimes I’m a mom.

Anyway! So we saw Courtney and Chooch was all, “Oh no. Oh god no” and he tried to go the opposite way, but I grabbed him by the shoulders and steered him over to her while he was literally dragging his heels. Eventually, he was right in front of her. She looked up from her phone, smiled real big, and said, “Hi Riley!” with just the right amount of taunting-ness to her voice.

His face turned so red that I feared if I pricked it with a pin, a gush of blood would come spurting out a la The Shining.

Then we went outside and ran around looking for our parents like all of the other kids leaving the show. Don’t worry, Papa H was waiting.

“What’s wrong? Why are you so flushed?” Amber asked me this morning as she walked by my desk. 

I took a few seconds to compose myself before squealing, “I just watched this G-Dragon video,” at which point there was a collective groan of “oh my god” all around me. 

But then I let her watch it and she became obsessed with trying to make fingerhearts and by obsessed I mean she practiced doing it for like 15 seconds and then went back to being a professional adult while Glenn was using his hostage eyes to plead for her to take him with her as she walked away.

https://instagram.com/p/BTxyZnGDB0t/

Every time I made someone watch this video today, I would giddily whisper, “OMG what’s he looking for? Oh, oh! Fingerhearts.” And then I would clutch my heart and swoon. 

Wendy thought this was dumb but then she too tried to accomplish the perfect heart-shaped placement of the fingers. 

She was watching me do it and cried, “Why can’t I do it? My fingers won’t do it right! Why?”

“Because they’re yours,” I shrugged. 

“I couldn’t imagine what he was going to pull out of his pocket,” Todd said. “But then it was just fingerhearts. That’s time I’ll never get back.”

Whatever.  Lauren thought it was adorable. And Glenn is probably at home right now waving fingerhearts in front of his baby daughter’s face. 

Plus random pictures. Bulletpoint posts: the true compost piles of blogging. We’ll start with a random picture of a thing in my house and go from there.

• The other day, Chooch asked, “Remember your apple tattoo? Do you still have it?” Um you mean the one that takes up most of my upper right arm? Yes, it’s still there, son.
• In order to get Chooch out of the house so that we could surprise him last Saturday, we arranged for Blake and Haley to take him to the gaming place on the Boulevard. I think this place is so dumb – just a room filled with TVs and computers where parents can abandon their children for hours on end, but Chooch and all his weird little friends love this place. Needless to say, Chooch has become chummy (lol, who even uses that word other than me, right now) with the guys who run the place, so Henry stopped up ahead of time and let them know the sitch. Basically, he started a tab which I didn’t even know you could do. He went back the next day to pay it, and Ed told him the total was like $43 or something. Henry was all, “OMG for what?!” So Ed showed him the long list of all of the snacks that Chooch had “purchased” in addition to the hourly rate ($5 a person – Ed is like the cheapest babysitter in town). So Henry came home and was like, “Chooch, the FUCK!?” at which point Chooch blamed Haley, and then Blake blamed Chooch, and this is just the funniest thing ever to me because Henry was so pained over it, haha.
  • When we went to visit Robbie & Nikki at the hospital after the twins were born, Chooch was all, “Robbie, do you want to go to the gaming place with me today?” Like yeah, little bro, I literally just became a dad but let me ditch the fam and sit in front of a computer for 5 hours with you.
• Chooch is friends with these two younger kids that live on the street, and for the sake of not getting in trouble with parents, we’ll just call them J and M. Really though I’m not going to be dragging them through the mud or anything…this time. Anyway, J & M are friends with some kid from their grade named Wesley. I don’t know if he’s new or what but I haven’t heard shit about any Wesley until recently and now HE IS ALL I HEAR ABOUT. Let’s back up. Wesley lives a few streets away and I guess M & J aren’t allowed to go there alone, so they asked Super Brave and Responsible Fifth Grade Chooch to go with them one day. This was about a month ago, I guess. Chooch was reluctant, because he was already hanging out with TWO younger kids, why did he need to add a third to the crew, you know? But he went anyway, and by the time he came home he had been sufficiently infected with the Wesley Bug. “Wesley has TWO TRAMPOLINES,” he said, ruddy cheeks and out of breath from running all the way home in excitement. “AND A POODLE NAMED BELLA, A REALLY COOL OLDER BROTHER NAMED WADE, AND A MOM WHO COOKS!” So it’s been all Wesley, all the time ever since and I am like, “STFU ABOUT WESLEY AND HIS DUMB COOKING MOTHER ALREADY, GOD.” And then he started going to Wesley’s without J & M. “Wesley likes me better than them, anyway,” Chooch said all cockily the other day. “And he doesn’t act like he’s 8. He’s more mature than them.” Oh for God’s sake. So this has been going on for weeks now, this Wesley Mania. Monday night, he had JUST walked into the house after returning from Wesley’s when his phone rang. He answered it and put it on speaker which I absolutely hate, and without any salutation whatsoever, J’s whiny voice blasted through the speaker: “So you went to Wesley’s.” WOW. OK, POSSESSIVE. So Chooch hung up on him immediately and said, “Ugh, I thought I blocked him.” So then they had a text-fight, which had Chooch defending himself like a wife who can’t be trusted: “Oh, so now I need your permission to go to Wesley’s?” he texted, and the feud culminated with J texting: “Do you want to come over?” Ugh kids.
  • But really though: Wesley and Wade?

• We took Henry’s mom to Bob Evans (I originally typed Bob’s Evan. Someone send my brain to the beach please) for her birthday the other night. On the way out, she picked up a jar out of a barrel and asked, “How much sodium do you think is in this?” Henry squinted at it and said, “Mom, that’s a candle.” We all had a good laugh, but then a few moments later, in the parking lot, she asked earnestly, “No but really, what’s worse – a lot of sodium, or a lot of salt?”
• I’ve been taking turmeric supplement things for the last month or so, after several people recommended it. At first, Henry was like, “I AM NOT BUYING THIS, THAT’S DUMB” but then his mom randomly mentioned one day that she’s been taking turmeric because some talk show or Steve Harvey told her too, so now suddenly it’s not some witch doctor bullshit drug that can’t be trusted, so he bought me a bottle.  Today, after choking back my daily dose, I held the bottle up and said to Glenn, “I don’t feel any different at all.” He asked how long I had been taking them and I told him a month or so but admitted that there were days that I forgot, of course. “Well, what’s it supposed to do?” he asked, so I read the thing about helping with inflammation that’s all big and bold on the bottle. “But, I’m not particularly inflamed, though,” I said with a shrug, realizing that perhaps I didn’t need turmeric’s help after all. “No, you’re just inflaming,” Glenn muttered.
  
• I CANT BELIEVE I AM GOING TO BE UNDER THE SAME ROOF AS G-DRAGON.
• Todd lost his ID badge (literally days after saving it from falling into a sewer grate which I just think is the funniest thing ever) so he asked me to go with him to Reception so he could get a temporary one. Look – I get it. I hate going to other floors alone too. Our department doesn’t really mingle much with other floors. Anyway, the receptionist asked me, “Do you need one too, or are you guys just traveling together?” For some reason, this made me laugh, because I started picturing us backpacking throughout the law firm.
  • “I don’t see you lasting very long as a backpacker,” Glenn said when I told him about this the next day. (LOOK, IT FELT LIKE A GREAT STORY AT THE TIME OK.) “Yeah I know. My backpack would just be filled with junk,” I said in total agreement.
    • Interestingly, this was the second time that day I found myself in a conversation about backpacks. The first was earlier that morning when I told Lauren that my high school backpack was full of toys. She wasn’t surprised.

• One of my co-workers is grooming me to take over editing our department’s Wiki page after she retires. I don’t want to make it sound like it’s a big deal but it’s a big deal ok. Anyway, she was off several days last week so I thought it would be fun to replace the WELCOME SPRING picture with a picture of my horrible candy bowl, with the caption “Come get some.” It lasted two days before Cheryl came back and replaced it. My group had our weekly meeting on Monday and My Favorite Work Friend Amber (and this has nothing to do with the fact that she has the ability to deny my PTO requests now) thanked me for revamping our group’s reference page, which launched me on a crybaby tangent about how apparently I can be given rights to edit all this shit but god forbid I should ever change the picture. “Cheryl took down my pumpkin and replaced it with some dumb, generic tree,” I whined. The next day, I found out from Glenn that the “dumb, generic” tree picture was Gayle’s and I know this because he forwarded me an email from her that said “That dumb generic tree picture is mine.”  OOPS SORRY GAYLE but this is very funny to me now! I told Henry and when I couldn’t stop laughing, he was like, “how do you have any friends at work?” Apparently Lauren knew this also and said she didn’t have a chance to kick me before I went any deeper into my freshly dug grave.
• Sometime after buying MY G-DRAGON TICKETS on Tuesday, I was walking back from the kitchen when Amber, who was ahead of me, stopped and asked if Henry and I booked a hotel yet for the show. “No, but I’d sleep on someone’s floor if I had to, I don’t even care!” I said, still riding that high of snagging VIP tickets. “What if you slept on G-DRAGON’s floor?” Amber goaded, and then I got all dreamy-eyed and weird and yelled, “Ugh, why did you have to say that now I can’t stop thinking about G-Dragon’s floor!” and this was right as we rounded the corner to where our desks are, so Glenn heard the tail-end. “How long do we have to hear about this?” he asked in annoyance. “She started it!” I cried, pointing at Amber. “I was just walking along quietly and she brought it up!” UGH.
• The other day, I popped into CVS on my break and the old lady at he register flipped out over my phone case and started calling her co-workers over to see it. The manager, a youngish guy somewhere in his 20s I guess, asked my permission  to Snapchat it and I was like, “Go for it?” I’ve had it for over a year so it’s a bit worn, but here it is:

• Speaking of my phone, I actually left it on my desk when I left yesterday and had to come back up to get it. Lori was like HOW. I’m mean really, this case makes my phone 3x bigger it feels like yet I still somehow left without it
• Remember when I wasted 7 years of my life obsessing over Jonny Craig, completely unaware that G-Dragon was only 6,781 miles away? LE SIGH.
• The other day, Chooch came home (from Wesley’s, ugh) and his hand was bleeding but he didn’t know why. While Henry was calmly asking him questions (such as “did you fall”), I was busy screaming, “STIGMATA!”
• Todd just sadly admitted that some of this Kpop stuff is sticking with him and that if he mentioned it to any of his friends they’d be like, “…………..”
• I’m really excited for Henry to stand in the pit at this G-Dragon show and wave a light stick.  “He should just use a lighter. Maybe there’s an open flame rule and he can get kicked out. Tell him to start planning ahead,” Glenn suggested after I showed him pictures of what light sticks are in the Kpop world.

• OMG you guys! Last night, Chooch and I went for a walk to the boulevard when guess who we ran into?! DAVID FUCKERBITCH. Chooch was like, “Oh god no, please don’t, oh god” but it was too late – I had whipped out my best glare and wouldn’t let him out of my sight. He was on his bike with some other hooligan, and he kept trying to get Chooch’s attention but Chooch was all, “NOT TODAY. NOT WITH MY MOM. SHE’S A LOOSE CANNON” so he pulled me into CVS and away from conflict, but not before I loudly said, “THEY LOOK LIKE HOOLIGANS” which is clearly my favorite word to use in this situation. Chooch just rolled his eyes and we moved on with our lives, until after CVS when we continued down the boulevard to go to Scoops, and DAVID LOSERVILLE was back, tooling around on his bike in front of the Las Palmas taco cart. We were waiting to cross the street when he wheeled on over to us, licking his FunDip or whatever dumb candy he had that was turning his vulgar tongue blue. He just sat there, leaning on the handlebars of his bike, staring and smiling at Chooch, trying to get a  reaction from him. “Is there a problem?” I asked, causing Chooch to groan. “No, I’m just going to stare at him until he looks at me,” David Toothrot replied in an obnoxiously sing-song voice. “AWKWARD,” I said, as the light turned and we were finally able to cross the street. “YOU JUST MADE IT WORSE,” Chooch spat. “As if it’s not already bad enough that I’m walking down the boulevard WITH MY MOM.” OMG ew, shut your face, Chooch! I’m way cooler than a mom. And besides, we were going to get ice cream while David BrokedownBike was out there, I don’t know, panhandling or whatever it was he was doing. It was 8:30 at night – GO HOME KID.
  • By the time we got home, I was so amped up over this run-in. I excitedly filled in Henry, who just frowned and said, “Wow Erin, that’s great. Are you happy now?” WHY YES, I AM.
  • I came to work and told Glenn and Todd, and they were just like, “Wow. Way to bully a fifth grader.” Then Todd said I should create a fake Instagram, like I’m a kid, so I can bully him and I was like, “THAT’S A GREAT IDEA I COULD CATFISH HIM TOO” and Todd quickly said, “I WAS KIDDING DON’T DO THAT!” while Glenn was like, I don’t know, beating his head off the desk.
• I decided a few hours ago that I was going to be nice to Wendy today but then just now I told her she’s dumb, so maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. It should be easy since she won’t be here.

And we’ll end on a beautiful G-Dragon note because I’M GOING TO SEE HIM ON BIRTHDAY.

YOU GUYS. Yesterday, G-Dragon announced that he’s coming to NORTH AMERICA on his world tour this summer and I almost made Henry wreck the car.

“How old are you!?” he hissed when I couldn’t stop muttering, “G-Dragon, oh my god” over and over, ruining Chooch’s birthday.

I sent Amber2 an urgent CAPSLOCK text and she was all, “Wow, your vice is coming to America.” I knew she meant to say bias.

This morning, I just about slammed my phone into Glenn’s face to show him the announcement and he was like, “Wow. That pretty little girl is coming here.”

Because that’s what he calls GD. :(

Then Wendy came over and Amber2 asked, “Did you get a text too?” and Wendy just rolled her eyes and said yes.

“Mine ended with ‘I’M DYING’,” Amber told Wendy.

“Mine had exploding heart eyes or something,” Wendy sighed.

Then I got REALLY EMOTIONAL AT WORK which almost NEVER happens and my eyes started to water (allergies) and my face was SO FLUSHED (heatstroke?) OK fine – because OBSESSION.

The small audience around my desk was like, “Wow.”

“And we were just watching that video of him yesterday!” I cried over my shoulder to Glenn, and explained to Wendy that it was a video from a few years back, when GD was doing a fan greet where people got in a line to shake his hand.

“I didn’t see him actually shake anyone’s hands,” Glenn mumbled. “He just barely touched them.”

“Yeah, well…that’s because you didn’t watch the entire sixteen minutes, Glenn,” I spat and Wendy took that as her cue to peace out from the ridiculous dialogue.

When Todd got to work, I screamed, “TODD OMG!” and Glenn was like, “LET HIM SIT DOWN FIRST, FOR GOD’S SAKE.”

It was the talk of the town. Well, office quadrant. Well, half of the office quadrant.

Anyway, tickets haven’t gone on sale yet and I am so nervous. His Seoul concert sold out in 8 minutes. Ugh! We’re (we’re, lol) hoping to go to the Toronto show because it’s on MY BIRTHDAY. Please pray for me.

I was looking at the different VIP packages (of course there aren’t any prices available yet) and now I feel like I need the gold package but Henry said it’s probably $2000. I HAVE THINGS THAT I CAN SELL. I WILL SELL MY FUCKING RIOT FEST TICKETS WATCH ME.

(OK I don’t want to have to do that but I will because not going to Riot Fest will save us a lot of $$$ GOD WHY ISN’T HENRY A DOCTOR OR AN OIL TYCOON OR A FRENCH PORN DIRECTOR*.)

*(Mostly because that would just be cool.)

“I don’t see that hi-touch thing on here, though,” Todd said when I made him also look at the VIP packages because that’s what I do – I suck people in and make them hold my hand while I obsess over things.

“Todd, that’s for KCON,” I said exasperatedly.

“Oh yeah! That’s KCON,” he said in an “I’m so dumb” tone.

Please try to keep up with my ever-changing flights of fancy.

This is going to be my last, if not only, chance to see him before he enlists in the military and IT IS ALL I COULD EVER WANT. (Aside from all the other things I want, but this is my #1 want currently!) I will be happy if I get the very top of the balcony seat, because at least I will be in the same room as the most perfect person in the whole entire world, Korea’s National Treasure, MY BIAS.

I will end this with a video of the time GD took the fall for a girl who killed her abusive boyfriend with a pineapple. <3

It’s nothing new that I have a penchant for foreign candy and love offering it up at work. I usually have some type of concerning confection in my broken candy urn at any given time, like the durian taffy that still haunts Jamie five years later.  (Currently, there are some kind of coffee things from the Netherlands that have been festering in there since over the summer.) I like to think that people are just afraid of slicing a tendon from sticking their hand in between shards of jagged ceramic, so maybe it’s more of a safety thing and not so much a desire to not activate their gag reflex.

I recently brought in some Asian candy even though Henry always yells, “YOU KNOW YOU’RE PROBABLY NOT GOING TO LIKE IT!” And he’s right a lot of the time. This time I like 2 out of 3 of the shit I bought.

The loser of this batch was a bag of curious rice krispie-looking things called Uncle Pop Baked Puffs. I opened one the night before I took them to work and both cats came rushing over and practically mauled me for it. I took one taste and the verdict was in pretty quickly: NOPE.

It tasted like a pizzelle that had been soaked in water, microwaved, fried, and then soaked in water again – the texture was more of BLOATED puff, not baked. And then for whatever reason, there were bits of dried kiwi stuck to it.

The aftertaste was shelf.

I set it down on the table and the cats started fighting each other for it and then tore that shit up.

“There’s gotta be fish in this,” Henry murmured, squinting at the ingredients.

Then Penelope tried to break into my work purse to get the rest!

Something to consider.

The next day at work, I filled up one of my plastic trick-or-treat pumpkins with the new eastern goods, hoping that a universally-accepted candy receptacle with no sharp pieces might entice more reaches.

People have been enjoying the Asian candies all week (one is coconut but has a honeycomb on the wrapper, and the other is some chocolate thing with a happy boy on the wrapper), but everyone is skeptical of the Unclepops. Glenn and Shannon unanimously voted it off the island, but Todd said that it wasn’t the worst thing he ever had ever eaten and that he might consider eating it again if he was starving.

But there were no other takers for over a week. I even put one in Lauren’s candy helmet to try to trick a bitch because no one would ever suspect Lauren of such villainy. But no one would take it.

Then the other day, Nate came over and, after getting sexually harassed by Catherine, I decided WHY STOP THERE and attempted to harass his taste buds too so I coaxed him into trying an Unclepop.

His review was that it tasted like stale stuffing.

“But wait…now it kind of tastes sweet….yeah, I’d dunk this in coffee for sure,” he said, finishing it off. We were all amazed and awed at this display of brave eats.

“Nate ate one of those gross Asian rice krispie things!” I told Henry as I got in the car after work.

“You mean those things that I told you to throw out because they expired a year ago?” Henry frowned, his everyday mask of disappointment fastened tightly over his face. “You’re feeding people expired food?!”

Wow. Somehow I missed that part.

No wonder they tasted like shelf to me!

The next day,  I went to work and threw them out. I mean, I don’t think anyone will die. My cats are still alive.

This picture has nothing to do with anything but I figured since my brain is basically just skull porridge anymore, why should my blog make any sense. 

Currently, Henry is trying to sleep while I’m laying here talking out loud about Al Jarreau dying but then it went right back to BIGBANG because that’s all I’m capable of talking about anymore. 

“We should get one of those giant engineer prints of G-Dragon and then hang it right up there,” I said, making a square with my hands and pointing it toward to the ceiling above the bed. 

And then I BURST INTO TEARS. 

“What am I going to do when they’re all in the military?” I cried, and then, confused at what to do next, I started laughing. This is a Normal Emotional Display for me, but I still blurted out, “What is wrong with me??”

“More than meets the eye,” Henry sighed. 

Maybe he’ll feel bad enough to get me that G-Dragon print for Valentines Day. 

MAYBE THIS ONE

Update: I waited 10 minutes and asked again. He said no. 

“But I thought you liked him?” I prodded

“Yeah but that doesn’t mean I want a picture of him above my bed.”

THAT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME. 

Things have been fantastic in Little Korea (that’s what Glenn calls my house)! I mean, everything else ranges from so-so to poo-poo, but I love being home these days, learning Kpop dances, trying to read Hansul, inhaling the stench of gochugaru permeating from the kitchen.

Honestly, open our refrigerator and see all the traditional Korean kitchen staples!

Which is why I think Henry doesn’t mind my new lifestyle as much as you would think. Henry is just really great at adapting to whatever phase/crisis I’m going through (Chooch is just really good at ignoring it altogether.) And if there are three things Henry FUCKING LOVES to do, it’s: cooking, grocery shopping, and watching instructional cooking videos on YouTube. So learning the ins and outs of Korean cuisine is a challenge he’s happily accepted.  (I don’t think he likes it when I call him oppa, though.)

And I love reaping the rewards! Henry makes some bomb jjigae! And I get to use chopsticks everyday!

Henry’s Hallyu Hell….or HEAVEN?!

We hit up the Asian markets every weekend and sometimes Henry even goes without me during the week, WTF?! When I found that out, I felt cheated.

Chooch is only interested in the Asian candy and ice cream, and is known to yell things like, “I wish Korea never happened to you!” to me. Chooch hates when I like something before he does.  However, I heard him in his room last week singing Black Pink so what’s up now, Chooch. I hear you.

Henry made me bibimbap for dinner last Sunday and I cried because it was so great and brought back memories of when I used to order that all the time at Ginza, back in the beginning of our relationship when we used to eat all sorts of international fare because we didn’t yet have the pickiest child in the world.

Exotic fruit salads back in action.

Henry treats himself to Samancos after eating his Korean dinner. He bought these FOR HIMSELF and when I ask him to share, he yells, “You have a box of B•B•Big in the freezer!” Well yeah, but I want something that’s not mine.

And now Henry’s mom is suddenly very interested in my new k-diet. When she was at our house last week, she sat enrapt on the couch hanging off my every word. Then I made her watch some KpopX routines and I pointed out my bias during a BIGBANG live video. She considered what she was watching and then said, “Yeah. I like this better than our music here. I don’t know what they’re saying, but I can tell they’re at least saying something. Unlike AMERICAN music.”

And there you have it. Judy’s kpop review. Maybe next time she’s here, I’ll live blog her reactions to Red Velvet and EXID videos.

***

Aside from food, we’ve been watching tons of Korean variety shows, especially the ones that have had BIGBANG on, because welcome to obsession. And you would think Henry would reject this, retreat to the bathroom and watch Blacklist on his phone in peace, work some more on the curious ditch he’s digging in the backyard….but no, he sits down and ACTUALLY LAUGHS! Sometimes he gets irritated if the subtitles aren’t good, which only means he’s afraid of missing out on something good.

Lately, we’ve been watching a lot of Running Man, Weekly Idol, Infinity Challenge, and the BIGBANG making-of reality show and every single time, I say, “He really is fabulous” when they refer to G-Dragon as the fabulous leader in the opening credits. And Henry just nods like it isn’t the 10th time he’s heard it this week. Anyway, last night’s viewing inspired this convo:

Henry: I read that Se7en is the reason things changed for celebrities in the Korean military.

Me: OMG you’re reading about Kpop on your own time?!

Henry: …what? No…on someone else’s time.

And then he mumbled something about wanting to know more than me.

Later, we were getting ready for bed and I noticed Penelope (see also: Peen Lop, Jon Benet, Penis) perched on my dresser.

Me: if Penelope was a member of BIGBANG, who do you think she’d be?

Henry, muffled by sleep: I dunno.

I thought for sure he wouldn’t answer, but then…

Henry: Taeyang.

Me: Good assessment! What about Drew?

Henry, no hesitation: Seungri.

Me: OMG I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT TOO

And then Henry mocked my laughter and fell asleep.

***

I guess this was my subconscious New Years Resolution. Like how some people quit smoking, I wanted to quit being the person I was in 2016 when all the shit happened. And I  just happened to be getting back into Kpop aerobics toward the end of the year and it all just kind of fell into place. All these Korean vlogs started playing on YouTube after I’d finish up a KpopX workout and before I knew it, I was learning about sasaeng and tteokbokki, and watching Canadians give a tour of their Korean apartments, and realizing that holy shit BIGBANG is so much more than just music for fun KpopX routines.

And then the next thing I knew, I had imprinted with Korea. A whole country this time. That’s how empty my heart is, it needs a whole entire country to fill it.

When Boots comes home and starts stomping around and slamming doors and fighting with his new roommate (some younger guy and they fight about the same shit he fought with Phyllis about: $$$$ and friends, or lack thereof in both cases), I giddily blast kpop so fucking loud and pretend like I’m South Korea and that motherfucker in North Korea.

And now this is honestly one of the few joys I have in life, and I am fucking bear-hugging it so step off.

***

I will conclude with this week’s Friday Video pick, because I felt everyone in my little group here at work needed some cheering up:

But even better, here is a video of MY BIAS G-DRAGON dancing to Cheer Up, which Amber2 and Lauren both said cheered them up even more than the actual song because G-DRAGON.

But then Amber mused, “Wow. I like his nude turtleneck. What look is he going for…like, Michael Jackson and….old office lady?”

And it was at this point that I had to remind everyone that he’s a fashion icon so BACK OFF.

*I might need to make this an actual category.

Here’s your weekly garbage dump of sloppy sentences.

• The cats when Chooch makes a noise.
• The biggest news I think I have right now is that WE FINALLY QUIT CABLE. Well, we tried to, anyway. We’ve been talking about cutting the cord for years now, and we ALMOST did it last summer but then I had hockey remorse so we didn’t cancel. But finally, I realized, “Holy shit, we literally never watch real TV.” It’s always Netflix and YouTube! Plus we have Roku. And the few times I do put on real TV, I’m like, “Holy shit, there is literally nothing I want to watch” so then I put on CNN and feel depressed, then switch to Food Network and watch a show about cupcakes that I’ve already seen but maybe not, but aren’t they all the same?! So Henry called Comcast on Saturday and stayed firm throughout the whole conversation, all the way up until the part where he said, “We just want to keep the Internet” and then found out that we would actually be charged so much more for our Internet usage that we would basically still be paying the same amount we pay for all these channels we don’t watch!!! So in the end, he got it knocked down to the very basic package, no HD, no DVR, but we still have Internet and the bill is over $100 less than it was so ONE STEP CLOSER TO KOREA, basically.
  • I guess I will still be able to watch the Penguins games too, just not on an HD channel. That’s OK, I still like hockey even when it’s all stretched out.
• Last week, I emailed my Friday Kpop Video recipients a Bigbang video (this one, if you’re interested), and Todd was like, “This actually isn’t bad” but Glenn turned it off after about a minute and said, “That’s enough of that.” I posted about it on Facebook and FOUR of my work friends said they wanted to subscribe to Friday Kpop Video and I was so excited about this! I told Henry that I started a new craze at work and he said, “What, the ‘Get Away From Erin Quickly’ phase?” Ugh.

• The angst has been transferred.

• Hopefully, by the time Warped Tour rolls around, I’ll have a desire to go to an American music festival.
  • One thing I’ll tell you about being a fan of Warped Tour-ish bands and living in America: the amount of chances you have to see your favorite bands is off the charts. There are shows I skip because I just saw that band a few months ago and it’s no big deal to just shrug it off, you know? But now that I’ve brainwashed myself with kpop, I feel FUCKING TRAGIC. Not only do they rarely come to the States, they also seem to disband at alarming rates. And the boys all have to enlist in the Korean army, no matter what! Which isn’t that big of deal to me because, unlike with our music, I find myself gravitating more toward the girls groups. However, my ultimate idol group, Bigbang, are all enlisting within the next two years, starting next month for the first one, and I am wrecked over this because who knows if they will even still want to continue Bigbang when they’re all out?! I MIGHT NEVER GET TO SEE THEM. And believe me I am prepared to travel across the world for them because my sasaeng fandom is real.
    • Let me tell you a real life story that happened this morning: When I woke up, all of this military stuff hit me like REALLY HARD and I started frantically texting Henry, you know, like this is our own son enlisting and not five Korean men I have never met in my whole life. Henry was like, “It will be OK.” Or some other fatherly thing, because he knows that in times like these, it’s best to tiptoe around the Crazy. So then I was on the trolley, reading more stuff about it on my phone and trying not to cry because my Trolley Hero was sitting next to me (seriously, she will tell people to move over if they’re hoarding an empty seat next to them and I think she’s so badass for that), and so by the time I got to work, I was like GLENN GUESS WHAT and before I knew it, TEARS WERE FALLING OUT OF MY EYES as I was telling him about Bigbang and he had this “OMG” look on his face, like he was wondering if he should call 911 because I was finally having that public breakdown that all of the psychics have been calling for years. So then in a fit of confusion, I started laughing WHILE crying because I was so embarrassed that I was crying in front of Glenn so then I think he thought I was just being dumb, but little did he know, 15 minutes late I was secretly crying at my desk again. I AM WRECKED OVER THIS, LEAVE ME ALONE.

• At work today, we were talking about the flu and Glenn mumbled something about how he went to the doctor and doesn’t have the plague after all. “Oh, were you sick?” I asked, honestly surprised because hello, Little Miss Solipsistic over here. “Uh yeah, didn’t you hear me coughing all last week?” he asked all incredulously, I guess because he sits right behind me. “Oh, I thought you were just choking,” I shrugged.
  • And then I came home and told Henry this story, at which point I started coughing so hard I choked.
• Hey speaking of karma: Yesterday, I made fun of the gif that was on our department Wiki page because it said Happy Valetine’s Day. Valentine was spelled wrong, and I always get super self-righteous about that. So I was all, “kekekeke mispellings lol.” And then today Amber2 said something about how I always get so mad about typos and grammatical errors and I was all, “FUCK YEAH EDUCATION” and SERIOUSLY THREE MINUTES LATER I went on Facebook to reply to a comment and saw this:

• We has a baby shower, guys! Of course that post already had like 150 views but what do I care, everyone already knows I write like English is my second language. Then a few hours later, I texted Henry and it said, “I just want to ran away.” I JUST WANT TO RAN AWAY!?!? OMG am I having mini-strokes in my sleep? You would never know I excelled in every English class I ever had. I guess when I move to Korea, teaching English won’t be an option. There’s always KpopX instructor, though!
• Last week at work was January Birthday Celebration day, so Shannon sent out an email saying that there was cake and cookies over on some table in another area of the department. I was having a Bad Day, so I decided, “You know what, it might not be bingsoo or chapssaltteok, but I’m going to get myself a goddamn cookie.” So I went over to the table and there WERE NO COOKIES. There were CUPCAKES. I have been burnt too many times by bad cupcakes (I’m picky) so I actually stamped my feet a little bit and cried, “There aren’t any cookies!” but there was no around to hear my anguish, so I made sure that I did a replay when I went back to my area. Todd and Glenn were like, “oh well” but Shannon overheard my outburst and sent out a new email to the department explaining that she meant “cupcakes” and not “cookies” and that she was sorry if she got anyone’s hopes up (…..Erin). OH SNAP! That moment when you’re called out in a department-wide email for being a crybaby! I laughed so hard and it made my day better, cookies or not. Sandy told me that she and Missy were also duped by the cookie false alarm, so that made me feel better. And Todd admitted that he also was stoked for cookies, but that when he saw there weren’t any, he thought, “Oh, but there are cupcakes!” and just had a cupcake instead. MUST BE NICE HAVING LOW STANDARDS.

• Lol, Henry eats his tteokbokki with a fork like a dummy. In all seriousness though, my kpop diet is going amazingly well. When I did Weight Watchers, I lost weight to a point and then I plateau’d forever. I also was so hungry and tired all of the time, because it’s just not a great diet for a vegetarian to be on, so exercising was a drag and something I had to force myself to do. But my weight was just like, “Nah, I’m good right here at this number.” Since I started my completely made-up K-Diet which started as a joke, I’ve lost 7 pounds in 3 weeks (that’s a lot for me because I lose weight slowly) but I can see a big difference in how my clothes fit, plus I’m never hungry now that I’m eating mostly Korean food and I have so much energy to do KpopX and all my other kpop aerobics. It really is a new lifestyle. Before Henry’s mom came over on Sunday, I asked him if she knows I’m Korean now and he said, “No. Because you’re not.” Whatever Henry. You don’t know. “Well, yeah, actually I do,” he said.

• While Henry was on the aforementioned phone call with Comcast last Saturday, Chooch and I were stalking Boots from all of the windows. Some broad came over with shit for him I guess and he was standing in MY FRONTYARD, screaming, “Just pull down the fucking driveway!!!” because he is unable to talk without swearing. So the broad pulled down the driveway and he extracted a large suitcase. I’ve been putting two and two together and now I think that whoever this new broad is has moved in with him?! She was banging on our window earlier this window and almost gave Judy a heart attack. Then she screamed, “SORRY WRONG HOUSE” and started banging on Boots’ door while screaming, “YOU LOCKED ME OUT!!!” Then about an hour later, I was trying to eat my ramyeon dinner and heard them over there fighting, so hooray. There’s a new Phyllis in town. :(

• I had to cancel an ice cream date on Saturday with Chris & Monica because we had too much to do for the baby shower (that we was hazzing the next day, you guys, that we was hazzing) but luckily I had a B*B*Big as a replacement.
• Henry just told Chooch to “stop being like mommy and crying.” WOW.

• Henry: “How many times are you going to watch this fucking thing?” A MILLION TIMES A DAY, HENRY. I can’t believe I wasted so many years on Jonny Craig when G-Dragon was out there in Korea being a billion times more perfect. Henry is in hallyu hell.
  • OMG I just started sobbing again, someone please send help. This latest bipolar crash is going to be a long way down. :(

<3<3<3<3<3<3

And now you know what happens when I try to escape reality: I motherfucking imprint with an entire country. Signing off with this video that I watch EVERY DAY because That.Falsetto. Ughhhhhh. I’m in deep. This is on par with the height of my Cure mania and I’m really scared.

Picture it:

The year was 1999.

A hot July evening.

I was 19.

It had been about 6 months since I quit my job at stupid EchoStar, and my old co-worker Roniece wanted to catch up. The problem was that Roniece was over 21 and she didn’t want to go to Eat n Park for a motherfucking milkshake, you know? Her plan was to go to a strip club. Some male strip club in Braddock, one of the less savory neighborhoods of Pittsburgh.

This sounded like A Great Idea to me. I mean, this was back when I used to spray paint my feet gold, so most ideas sounded like great ideas to me.

My friend Keri wanted to join us, and now it was really starting to feel like a legit party. So on this hot summer evening in 1999, Keri and I drove to Roniece’s house in McKeesport, where Keri got stung by a bee and that’s how I found out that my friend of approx. 10 years was allergic to bees. Roniece’s grandma performed some old housewives’ miracle and Keri was healed, but that’s a story for another time because I only want to talk about myself right now.

THIS STORY IS ABOUT ME.

Before we left Roniece’s, she pulled out a fat blunt and this back when I was dumb and did stupid things like pop pills full of Ephedrine and starve myself for days because So Fat, Such Chunk. So Keri was all, “JUST SO NO” but I was all, “GIMME DAT” and thus started the night out on a high note.

OH….!

Now we were ready. Roniece wanted to go to a bar beforehand and I pulled my pockets inside out, like “Hello, no fake ID.” But Roniece just laughed and promised me that Keri and I wouldn’t get carded where she was taking us….

…which was the diviest bar that ever dove on some pot-hole ridden side street in Duquesne. We had to park in an alley, and go in through a suspiciously plain door on the side of a building that had no name, no windows.

“Just be cool. Don’t draw attention to us and ya’ll will be fine,” Roniece prepped our underage asses before entering The Bar.

Motown wafted out as soon as we pulled back the door; the bar inside was small and non-descript, not even the tiniest hint of saloon aesthetic. It was all over-flowing ashtrays and varying shades of brown. The patrons were older, urban, and all-around unenthused at the prospect of sharing their sacred space with a bunch of youngins. Keri and I got a few quick side-eyes as we sat down at the bar, but everyone quickly went back to staring into their beers while we giddily shared a pitcher of Long Island iced teas with Roniece.

Thank god I can’t remember how cool we must have thought we were, sitting at some sticky bar, drinking amateur cocktails in the company of legit sad sacks hiding from their wives.

I started digging around in my purse.

“What are you doing?” Keri asked suspiciously. Homegirl had been my friend since elementary school and was well-versed in my shady ways. My every movement was a cause for concern in her eyes.

“Just looking for some change so I can request a song on the jukebox,” I answered happily, because Long Island iced teas.

Armed with quarters, I went over to the jukebox and assessed the situation. Clinked in a quarter, punched in the numbers, went back to the bar.

“What did you play,” Roniece asked, right as the SEXY SAX INTRO of “Careless Whisper” cut through the thick swirls of cigarette smoke and regret.

You know that scene in Adventures in Babysitting where the suburban kids infiltrate a blues club? And everyone immediately stops talking because disgusted glares work better in a quiet room? That’s what happened on this night, in this bar, in this dilapidated part of town.

Every last bloodshot eyeball was focused on me, the giddy white bitch who skipped-to-her-lou into their bar and polluted their nicotine-curtained air with George Michael’s oozing sex appeal.

Keri covered her face.

“What? It’s Careless Whisper,” I said.

“Yeah, I know what it is!” Keri snapped and went back to shielding her face from the scowls attacking us from every angle. 

Roniece threw her head back and let out a huge laugh. “Girl! I told you to be cool!”

And I’m like, “But this is fucking George Michael, man!” Literally I had no idea what I did wrong, because anytime I hear that song, it always felt so right.

SO VERY RIGHT.

We left after a second pitcher of Long Island iced tea, and before I had a chance to request any other tracks from the Carlton Banks Greatest Hits mixtape.

This next part has nothing to do with George Michael, but it does have to do with the moment I died.

We arrived at whatever that goddamn strip club was called in Braddock, but it wasn’t open yet. I remember standing inside the vestibule while Roniece spoke with someone inside, and suddenly I wasn’t feeling right. I stepped back outside to get some air, and the next thing I knew, I was going down, but Ke$ha wasn’t around yet to yell timber.

This next part happened while I was dead.

(Because I swear to you, I was dead. I had done DIED on that sidewalk outside of Sleazy Braddock Stripperie.)

It was Christmas and I was little again! My Pappap was there. We were on the big porch, which is where most of the Christmases were celebrated throughout my childhood. I remember being overcome by extreme happiness and warmth (and most importantly – toys). I was engulfed in one of my greatest childhood memories!

SO THIS WAS HEAVEN.

And then I heard my aunt Sharon calling my name.

Erin Erin Erin.

Over and over.

And then I saw A BRIGHT WHITE LIGHT.

It doesn’t get any more textbook than that.

I was dead.

But the sound of my aunt’s voice brought me back.

Granted, it was Keri and Roniece who were screaming my name into my face, and the bright white light was the streetlight above me. BUT STILL.

Friend has near-death experience on street in a dangerous part town: that’s a pretty big party foul. Keri grabbed my car keys and dropped Roniece off at home. Then we stopped at a gas station in McKeesport where she bought a loaf of bread through a bullet-proof window, the bread was to soak up the poison in my stomach. And then she took me home where three more of our friends came over and babysat me in shifts.

And this is one of the reasons why Keri’s mom absolutely hated me. I was “too much drama” apparently. Like, who? Me!? No, not me.

A few days later, Roniece called to check in on me, and she admitted that maybe, perhaps, possibly there was a slight chance that the blunt she gave me was laced. That in addition to my so chic eating disorder, diet pill addiction and Long Island iced tea dinner was probably enough to stop my fucking heart. But what do I know!? I turned into a walking billboard for Just Say No after that.

Every time we go to Kennywood, I love to point out the little turn-around on the side of a road in West Mifflin where Keri had to swerve the car so I could puke up all my regrets on the way home.

***

“And so that’s what I think of whenever I hear George Michael,” I said in conclusion to this very personal tale at work on the Tuesday after George Michael’s death.

“What, your poor judgment?” Glenn mumbled.

WHATEVER GLENN, I LOVE THIS STORY.