“You shall fear the wrath of the Real Alien Commander!” Bradley announced.

“Oh I-I will!” Drew answered.

“Well, clearly you want to die!” Bradley replied.

“As I have won 78 UFC Medals. So you shall die!”

It’s true though Bradley had won 72 UFC Medals.

“As Martin Luther King Jr. once said ‘There’s no reason to fight. When you have love.’ So let’s end this,” Pearl pleaded.

“Martin Luther never said that, and I’m no historical person,” Amethyst grinned.

The aliens had left the door open. So the aliens that ran away peered behind a bush that had no leaves because of the nuke.

“Ye’ Humans could need ay potion!” a weird wizard said from the top of the UFO dropping random potions on the aliens and humans. It specifically hit Penelope, Drew, and Bradley. It made Bradley slim, and made Drew buff but a bunny, and Penelope was now a human.

“Finally, I-I can spoke about-” Bradley cut Penelope off.

“I AM NOT BUFF ANYMORE! AHHH!” Bradley panicked.

“As me were s-saying, finally, I-I could spoke about who Drew is liar, and no tell truth,” Penelope tattled.

“Ever since me were baby bunny, Drew be kicking me bum day all,” Penelope added.

“Okay shut up! You have very bad grammar!” Pearl stopped Penelope.

The wizard stared and curled his lip.

“Oops!” the wizard apologized.

“Get back here you horrible person,” Bradley yelled.

Drew, the buff bunny, jumped on Bradley and bit his neck.

As she was very angry, she could still attack aliens.

“Drew, Penelope? Is that you?” Drew’s mom asked struggling to open her eyes.

“Drew? Why are you a bunny, and Penelope’s a human?” Drew’s dad asked also struggling to open up his eyes.

“Last time we saw you it was white and cold. What’s is it called?” Drew’s mom struggled to remember.

“No, last time we saw them it was green and colored things were in the ground,” Drew’s dad corrected.

“It be called Winter and Spring,” Penelope told them.

“We have a day of birth box wrapped up and has a ribbon for you,” Drew’s mom said.

  
Thanks for the feel-good moment, Time Hop. This was right up there with the time I figured out how to return a DVD to Redbox ALL ON MY OWN after realizing it wasn’t working because the DVD wasn’t in the case. DEDUCTIVE REASONING. 

Maybe tomorrow I will have the energy to piece together words that aren’t all DOOM & GLOOM*, like words that tell the story of the trolley shuttle I’ve had to endure.  

*(I swear there isn’t a funeral dirge announcing my entrance through every door. I wish!)

   
Chooch wanted to recreate this photo I took of Corey in 2008. I had to use my iPhone and couldn’t remember offhand exactly how the original was framed, but Chooch was pretty happy with the result. He loves to be like his Uncle CORCOR.*

*So annoying after he says it 87 times a minute when Corey is around 

 
Today was one of the worst days I’ve experienced so far in life, yet somehow there were silver linings throughout. Life is short. Grudges are dumb. Family is forever. 

I’m ready to go back to last weekend now.

We’ll be spending the day driving home from Lancaster and then watching The Walking Dead. I hope whatever you do today, it’s delightful!

Just don’t eat too many jellybeans. It might seem delightful in the moment, but nope. Don’t do it, my little bunnies.  

 We’re decompressing at the Country Inn in Lancaster, with a little bit of time to kill before the Silverstein/Emarosa show tonight so here is a quickie. 

I try to make the most out of my lunch breaks at work. It’s when I typically churn out the RIP GLENNS and now it’s also when I work on the Law Firm zine which has survived to see a second issue! I tread carefully with these because they’re fun, most everyone seems to enjoy it, and I don’t want to cross any lines that’ll get my DIY printing press shut down. 

In this current issue, I interviewed one of the mail room guys, had a feature on our old co-worker Nina (“Hello From the Other Side” lololol), gave Chris a full-page spread for his mixtape, and concluded with a SPOT THE DIFFERENCES using a picture that Patrick provided—a screenshot from when he was accidentally on the news after walking past a murder investigation! Amber1 was the first one to find all the differences so she got an Easter bunny lipgloss and a tiny succulent as her prize. 

 These things bring me great joy. And also much stress. 
And my #greetingsfromerinslunchbreak project is going well! I think I’ve mailed 12 so far. So much happens when I’m outside on my break!
  
 
LASTLY, I made an Easter picture for our processing group! I didn’t get a chance to make one last year (probably because I was still in a depressed stupor from BARB quitting), but in previous years, I made a Noah’s Ark, a shepherd (Glenn) with his sheep, and a really epic Last Supper. This was the first year I got to include myself! My employee ID photo is from 2010 and my hair was soooooo dark then—I don’t miss that at all. 

I was cracking up so bad at my desk while making this and Glenn just mumbled, “Wow.” But then when I showed him the final product he LAUGHED. 

Oh, small pleasures. 

It’s really hard to resist the urge to plaster my blog with cat pictures all the livelong day. I think I was doing too good of a job though, because the lady we got the cats from sent me a Facebook message a few weeks ago and was like, “Um, are the kitties still doing well….?”

They really are doing well! My succulents, on the other hand…Panne is on his last leg and they pretty much brutally murdered Agnes. (They’re not like, eating them…just digging them up, knocking them over, having absolutely no REGARD FOR MY GREEN BEAUTIES WHATSOEVER.) I had a full-fledged temper tantrum about this last week while Henry and Chooch JUST SAT THERE DOING NOTHING.

Evonne brought them some Cat Sip over the weekend and they somehow found the will to share with each other.

Penelope is the smaller one, but she’s definitely the instigator. She also loves to bite and it’s so annoying!

This picture sucks because Henry took it on his lame Henry-phone. This is actually the box that Penelope was transported in. Drew was in there first and Penelope pushed her way in because SISTERS.  That look is almost on Penelope’s face. So smug!

View this post on Instagram

It looks like Drew is the boss, but this just isn’t true. (Sorry, Chooch! Your cat’s kind of dumb.)

This morning, I woke up to what sounded like a dump truck full of cinder blocks crashing into things downstairs. “Don’t wanna know,” I mumbled, and fell back asleep.

Cats, man.

Friends and foes, welcome to the quarterly collection of RIP Glenns. My last RIP Glenn dump was back in September, because I’m a slacker. I try to be diligent with the celebrity deaths, but sometimes some fly under the radar or maybe I just determine that they’re too obscure/plain to deface a Glenn. If there’s someone who you feel I sorely dropped the ball on and are desperate to see a Glenn made in their honor, please let me know and I will do my best!

It seems like there’s at least one big horror icon in every round of RIP Glenns. :(  Marilyn Burns died in 2014 so now Leatherface is chasing her around again in…Heaven? Probably not Heaven. Seriously though, look at how effortlessly Glenn transforms into Leatherface.

I woke up one morning and noticed that one of my friends had posted a video from the 2001 Rolling Rock Town Fair. I thought it was just a random thing, and I commented that  hey!

I was at that show too.  And then right after that, another friend posted on my timeline about the same thing, the time we were at this one particular show, and I was like, “Huh. That’s a weird coincidence…” Then it occurred to me that it was because Stone Temple Pilots had headlined that festival….and Scott Weiland had been reported dead that morning….

…and from there, Lemmy. What a start to 2016.

Learned about Bowie’s death from someone I hate-follow on Instagram. It’s such a dumb habit but the first thing I do every morning after I turn off my alarm is mindlessly open Instagram. My life is so rich.

So many iconic faces of Bowie but I went for Ziggy Stardust. Still seems so unreal!

AND THEN GLENN FREY? My first instinct was not to listen to the Eagles, but his solo jam “You Belong to the City.” I used to make Lisa so mad in high school because I insisted he was saying “boobs” instead of “moves” in one of the lines and Lisa would shout, “MOVES. MOVES!” Lol forever.

I’m listening to it right now, and have a strong urge to watch Miami Vice.

ITS IN YOUR BOOBS

ITS IN YOUR BLOOD

YOURE A MAN OF THE STREET

He seemed like a real dick though, didn’t he?

I love that I didn’t have to do a single thing to Glenn’s plain face and this one is still recognizable.

I had Punky Brewster high tops when I was a kid. Man, she was such a cooler role model than all these gross Miley Cyrus fembots girls idolize nowadays.

Sorry George Gaynes. I really have nothing else to say about you. Thanks for taking  care of Punky…

?

I’m going to be 100% honest here, I thought he was already dead….?! I bet that Mayberry tourist trap we visited over the summer was poppin’ off when this death occurred.

OMG the day Harper Lee died, I had posted a different RIP Glenn because I was trying to get caught up and people were like “WHAT ABOUT HARPER LEE!” and I was like, “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, GIVE ME A SECOND, FUCK!!!” People are hungry for the RIP Glenns, and I love it.

What a strange thing to be the subject of so many death hoaxes that an actual death watch website is made for you. Much like Don Knotts, when Abe Vigoda legitimately passed away this year, I was like, “Wait….didn’t that happen in the 90s? And then he came back for Good Burger? And then died again?” I’m so confused.

But what I really miss are the “This is your brain on drugs” commercials with the sizzling egg in a frying pan.

Man, this one hurt. I know he had a long and storied career full of brilliant character portrayals, but I gotta be That Guy and go with Snape. What an icon.

Crazy fact about me: I don’t really care about the Beatles one way or another. I don’t hate them, I don’t love them, I won’t turn the station if they come on the radio, but I don’t own any of their albums. I know. I’m a fucking monster.

Man, sorry Angus — he had the worst timing possible for giving up the ghost because it was right smack in the middle of the whole world shutting down in remembrance of David Bowie. And then I forgot to make his RIP Glenn until YESTERDAY. Amber1 said she didn’t know who he was, and I told her that the horror movie Phantasm was really the only thing I knew about him. “He was one of those actors who made a living on the horror convention circuit,” I said.

“Oh, kind of like Andy from Child’s Play,” Amber1 said.

“Yeah—-hey!” I cried, when I realized that she was making light of my BOYFRIEND ANDY FROM CHILD’S PLAY. And then we all laughed.

Lazy Saturday up in here. Chooch and I went to see Carly Rae Jepsen last night and were out way too late; I don’t know how I was able to sleep last night! Anyway, once I’m done buzzing about that I’ll write some sort of ALL CAPITAL LETTER review, I’m sure.

Then my friend Evonne stopped by with a dozen of FARM FRESH EGGS, a lemon, a lime, and some Cat Sip for the kittens. Thanks, Evonne!

I’m using my blog as a diversion because the Penguins are playing the Flyers and my nerves are shot and I’m trying not to look at the TV for fear of vomiting. So, here are some pictures.
Fucking DREW killed more of my succulents and I have nowhere else to move them! RIP Agnes. Maybe you’ll miraculously grow back.

Perhaps if I hadn’t given my plants names and personalities, it would hurt me less when they’re murdered. :(

 Pre-CRJ dinner date at Grant’s. Henry and I split a piece of their coconut cream pie (THE BEST IN THE WORLD) because I was already feeling sick (butterflies!) but now I wish I could go back in time and just eat the entire pie. Slices are pointless.

Also, I feel blessed that this quality joint is within walking distance of Mr. Small’s.  
This is my favorite building downtown Pittsburgh. Look at the design on that facade! My friend Chris found out for me that this is the BUHL BUILDING and I have to remember to google that sometime soon because once every 11 years, I allow myself to learn a thing about my city.

 POSTCARDS! I think I have mailed 7 so far so check yo’ mailboxes! If you get one, tag it on Instagram: #greetingsfromerinslunchbreak

Lol I have no idea what sort of meaningless movement I’m tying to start here but please just let me my fun. I’ll lose interest soon, I’m sure! 

I found this old picture on Flickr the other day and it made me laugh because Chooch still makes the same expression when I want him to take a picture with me.  

The other succulent killer, Penelope. SHE’S LUCKY SHE’S SO CUTE.

The Penguins are winning 4-1 with a minute left so I think I’m safe to look up now. SEE YA, MY LITTLE CHIA PETS.

The lord stared down at his guard and grew with anger and disgusted.

“You will pay you hooman!” he shouted at Yuki.

Penelope hopped around the dead alien, and licked the blood of the ground.

“Ew Penelope!” Garnet and Amethyst whispered.

“Huh? Who’s there?” the lord overheard Garnet and Amethyst whisper.

Garnet and Amethyst zipped their mouths shut as they stared at the lord.

He looked around the building, he couldn’t see them anywhere. Yuki ran off, the lord’s scared of Penelope, and Pearl was taken away.

Pearl got shoved into the U.F.O with a rope tied around her hands.

“Bloop Brz Brlp,” conversations echoed around the U.F.O.

“What is this place?” Pearl thought.

The aliens were stupid because they didn’t lock her up in a cage or cell. She figured out a way to escape. She luckily had a nail file in her bag. She pulled it out, and went over in a closet. She took it and sliced the thin rope off of her wrists. Her father knew martial arts and he taught Pearl a little bit of the moves: Dropkick, that’s it she forgot most of the others. She freed herself from the rope tied around her wrists and climbed up the ladder behind her. She used the only move she knew on a alien guard. The alien guard collapsed. He had a baton in his left sleeve just in case. She took it.

“Why don’t I just escape, these aliens are dumb anyway,” Pearl whispered to her chest.

Garnet was walking up behind the lord and punched him. His skull felt as hard as metal.

Before she could even recover from the cracked knuckle, she was being carried up the ladder.

“Garnet no! Don’t go,” Amethyst cried.

She was being carried up the ladder too the minute she said that. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl were trapped in the U.F.O together. Garnet injured, Amethyst scared, and Pearl feeling strong.

*Slam* the door swung open.

“I got an order for you” another “alien?” sounded in.

 Alternately titled: Another Dumb Idea!
Last week when I was meandering about town during my lunch break, I kept pausing to either tweet or text Henry about all the perils in my path. You know, like Planned Parenthood protestors, city school kids, an errant paper bag skipping across the pavement. (I COULD TRIP!)

And it made me think about how much more fun it would be to SEND A POSTCARD instead of these electronic means of communication. Like my lunch break is a vacation and oh motherfucker, do I wish you were here. 

Perks: 

-snail mail is never a bad thing and gives the mailman something to read other than Pennysavers and campaign mailings. 

-I love handwriting things and it will give me something other than my name to scribble over and over again at my desk. And let’s be real, I don’t have the time/attention span to write full blown letters. 

-I’ll have something to give Last Mail!

-WHAT A PERSONAL WAY TO STAY IN TOUCH!

If I have your address, don’t be surprised if you get some weird sketch of the Stalker of the Day (I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY’S WATCHING MEEEE) or a poem about the trash in the river. 

And if I don’t have your address and you want to get a random post card, email me! Butgavincantdance@gmail.com

I’ll probably also send them to random addresses as well because that’s not creepy it’s sweet. 

I’d like to send one a day and I’ll start as soon as Henrh buys me stamps, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. #HenryProblems

And if you wanna send one back from your own lunch break, PLEASE DO! Postcard frenzy!!

“Well, WHAT?!” Pearl cried worried.

“She’s not breathing,” Garnet sighed.

Pearl’s eyes grew red and tears flowed down her face. *Beep Boop* A sound approached the creepy hospital.

“Vrob Br Pls,” a weird noise came into the hospital.

“I think there are aliens here!” Pearl cried with tears still flowing down their face.

They peered over at Yuki as she banged her head off the wall.

“Should we leave her?” Garnet asked.

Pearl and Amethyst nodded together.

*Whoosh*  the door slammed open upstairs. *Boom* the creature or thing fell to the ground.

“Should we hide?” Garnet questioned.

“Yeah,” Pearl and Amethyst agreed together.

Garnet walked over into a closet and set Scarlet down. She then ran behind an office desk and hid under. Pearl ran over to a ladder and climbed it. When she reached the top she found the exit. She saw a grey round ship with handles at the bottom. She felt something in her pocket. She reached in and grabbed a walkie-talkie. She turned it on and talked.

“Garnet, Amethyst. I think I know what’s happening. I climbed a ladder and I got up to the main floor. I see a green, skinny, black-eyed figure staring at me!”

“Okay, we’ll check it out,” Garnet said into the walkie-talkie.

Pearl climbed back down and there was another green figure staring at her.

“Arrest her! This hooman has found our secret! Execute her!” The “ALIEN?” shouted to his guards.

One of the guards had like 7 layers of steel armor. The other had a vest on.

“All I wanted was to give Penelope some orange jellybeans. God!” Amethyst thought herself.

“There’s more of them I can smell them!” the Alien Lord shouted.

He walked over to the closet. Scarlet fell out and hit her skull off the floor. She started to breathe. Thank god!

“Told you! There’s more of them! Find them all!” the lord bragged.

He looked over at Penelope and Yuki.

“Capture that beast and hooman, NOW!” he demanded.

Penelope hopped around and dodged the rope and cuffs. Yuki had tantrum and hit the guard. The guard fell, cracked his green skull open on the asphalt ground. The blood was green. It was everywhere.

Tons of highs and lows this weekend. What else is new. My manic-depressive life, woo. Things are winding down. It’s raining and the sound is calming. But then Chooch comes barreling into the room and my nerves are poppin’ off again.  Ah, such Sunday.   

My favorite part of Saturday was when Chooch strode into my room while Xiu Xiu’s “I Love the Valley Oh!” was playing, and without skipping a beat, he said, “Ooh, Xiu Xiu!” And then sang the “la la la la la lalala” part. 

“Are they going to come here soon?” he asked. “Because I have to see them.” My heart sang! I’ve only seen Xiu Xiu once, in Kentucky in 2008, and it was one of the scariest, most bone-chillingest shows I’ve ever seen.  I will never forget the first time I heard Clowne Towne in 2004; I had the best nightmares. 

Two Xiu Xiu fans under one roof. This etched more frown lines in Henry’s brow. 

 :(   

We went to Waggener’s Country Kitchen (???? I’ve been there three times and just don’t know) with Blake and his girlfriend Hailey last night for dinner and Chooch’s comedy act was on point. Which is to say, I have no idea how he didn’t get us kicked out. He was so sassy to the waitress too and I silently prayed she wouldn’t have the cook spit in our food. 

Spit or not no spit, my grilled cheese was perf. 

“You always get grilled cheese,” Blake laughed. 

Yeah, because it’s the best! One day I’ll finally get that tattoo that my pal Sarah drew up for me. One day. Sigh…

Also, if Hailey ever comes to hang out with us again, I will be super shocked. I hope we didn’t scare her off because we like her!

  
Shit got rowdy. 

 We spent most of the day working on phase 1 of this year’s Easter portraits. And I hope you read that as: “We held butcher knives to each other’s throats and screamed about how much we fucking hate each other.”

We’re ok now. But I think this house is definitely on its way to being haunted. 

One upside of the day though was this morning when Henry actually sat down and watched CNN with me and for the first time in 15 years, we found ourselves politically aligned. Thanks, Donald Trump. Vehemently disagreeing with you has brought Henry and me closer together!

And now, The Walking Dead, where we get to watch other people being violent. 

My friend Jessi has been posting some old pics of Chooch on Facebook and getting me all nostalgic, so I decided for Throwback Thursday to repost the time she and Bill came in from Michigan and helped us throw Chooch a zombie-themed party for his 4th birthday. This is also notable because it was the last time my mom was involved in any of Chooch’s birthdays. #sadtuba

This was in May 2010. HAPPY THROWBACK THURSDAY.

———

Guest list:

• Alisha
• Bill & Jessi
  
• Kara & Harland
• Charlie
• Henry’s mom
• My mom-mom-mommy
• Henry’s sister Kelly & some of her kids

• Blake
  
• Evonne, Sadie & Lydia
• Christy & Claire
• Janna
  

When Chooch told me months ago, like literally it might still have been 2009, that he wanted to have a zombie themed birthday party, I had every intention of going all out. I even started thinking of ideas for like, ten entire minutes.

With the exception of designing the invitations with Chooch (which actually was not last minute and were mailed out in timely fashion), there wasn’t much more that I accomplished, aside from a last minute trip to Goodwill on the morning of his party, to shop for clothes to mutilate and bloody for the photos I wanted to take of each individual party guest, as a souvenir. Kind of like a prom picture, except with blood, a fake cemetery in the background, and a pine tree with Christmas lights haphazardly slung across its lower boughs, which really bothers me now when I look back at all the pictures. I think Bill should have painted the wires green. It could have been a zombie / Alice in Wonderland crossover, guests arriving while an undead Bill slops green paint on a tree and nervously yells about the scary queen (THAT’S ME) who’s running around with hedge clippers and shouting, “Off with your balls.”

The plan was to have the party outside; but like last year, it was around FIFTY DEGREES with the threat of rain. In May. So everything was set up in my mom’s garage to protect the guests from the impending deluge of rain. The kids had enough rain-free time to run amok outside for most of the party, at least. Because I can’t imagine Chooch being contained in a three-car garage for three hours.

Chooch the Zombie Enthusiast flipped his shit when he saw Bill for the first time, post-zombie makeover. We thought Chooch was just playing into it when he used the car as a barrier, but then Bill noticed he was legitimately crying and we all had an “oh shit” moment. Bill retreated to the garage to allow Jessi and I to try and coax Chooch from the car.

“You can open one of your presents now!” I pleaded. That worked. Good thing I used that first, instead of “You can cut Bill with this knife I got here,” because maybe Jessi might not have liked that. (And Bill wouldn’t have had much say.)

And Chooch was fine after that. So fine, in fact, that he wanted Jessi to make him up as a zombie too. I think it was just initial shock combined with Bill’s overzealousness (which Chooch ended up loving later).

Jessi somehow encouraged Alisha and Janna to get made-up, too. They kept trying to get me to do it as well, but having that much make-up on my face is yet another item in my treasure trove of neuroses and just the fact that I had to keep saying no nearly made me break out in hives. It’s probably not good that I took myself out of therapy all those years ago.

BFFs again, no biggie.

And the food! Don’t get me started on that. I had this great vision of mini meatloaves baked in over-sized cupcake tins and then Ketchup’d, like chunks of bloodied flesh. Well, Henry took that vision and fucked it up the ass. He basically made a plate of meatballs. When I voiced my aghast-ness, he then tried to get all Alton Brown: meatloaf edition on me, but I think he was lying. It could have been done.

I don’t even know what else there was to eat, to be honest, aside from what I initially thought were turtles (chicken breasts, apparently). But I will tell you there was no gelatin brain.  I mean, why would there be something so disgustingly anatomical at a zombie party??

It’s a good thing a four-year-old doesn’t give a shit about the catering at birthday parties.

That morning at Goodwill, I found (fine – Alisha found) these two lovely nightgowns and I instantly had visions of my friends Kara and Christy swathed in bloody versions of night attire, and holding their babies in front of the cemetery I set up. The cemetery was the only thing I was concerned about all day. It was a very big deal for me. I texted Kara before she arrived and said, “I have a nightgown; will you wear it?” She said yes and thought nothing of it, because I’ve asked her to do dumber things before.

This ended up being my favorite picture of the day.

I barraged Christy before she was even out of her car. She just rolled her eyes at my request because we’ve known each other since we were four and short of auto-amputation, nothing I do really shocks and awes her. At first, she tried to say that she couldn’t get the nightgown on over her hoodie and I was like, “Bitch, you best be tryin’ a little harder. Don’t make me pretend I’m in a girl gang again.”

Also, this was my first time finally meeting Christy’s baby Claire and she is so sweet! The combination of Claire and Harland was like an upper-cut/right hook combo to my ovaries, though. At one point, Henry even grabbed my silk-gloved hand and said, “Darling, shall we try for another?” And then I rammed my parasol up his tweed-trousered asshole.

The best part was that Kara and Christy both kept their respective nightgowns on for the rest of the party. I like to think it’s because they thought it was AWESOME, but warmth probably had a little more to do with it. They spent most of the party together, in a baby bubble, and I couldn’t  help but crack up every time I turned around and saw the two of them in their bloody nightgowns, cooing to each other’s baby.

“Just another night at the shelter,” Charlie said at one point, and I could NOT STOP LAUGHING. Don’t worry, I said the Rosary that night.

Charlie opted to play the role of “Victim #1.”

I realized afterward that I have zero pictures of Blake or any of the cousins, except Zac. None of the teens wanted to dress up, which I thought was strange since that’s like, something kids want to do. I mean, other than betting on cock fights in Biloxi and foxtrotting with trannies. (Is that still what teens do nowadays?) And Blake didn’t talk to me the whole time. I guess that’s a new thing or something. It wasn’t awkward at all and it certainly didn’t make me cry to Alisha behind the garage.

My mom ordered the cake undecorated, aside from the Happy Birthday part, and then made the graveyard scene with those new Oreos and zombie finger puppets. She apparently forgot to make sure it flowed with the writing on the side, but that’s just my bastard nit-picking coming out. I thought she did a great job! Unlike the photo I took, which is out of focus because I had like, 20 people staring at me and I just wanted to be done. Yet another reason why I’d never consider photography as anything other than a hobby!

He got a ton of great loot, like: a Jason Voorhees action figure, vampire movie collection, Night of the Living Dead DVD, and a Spiderman book (being held in above photo) from Bill and Jessi; a Spike Jr. and a dragon from Evonne, Sadie, and Lydia; a remote control zombie from Alisha; a Leatherface figurine, with interchangeable heads and arms, from Charlie; two plush zombies and a Tony Hawk bike from my mom; this really cool zombie figurine from my brother Ryan; a complete artist’s orgasm from Kara; gift cards from Christy and Kelly; and a Spiderman skateboard from Janna.

It really made me wish I was still a kid!

Before I knew it, three hours had passed and everyone started to leave. There was a Penguins game on that night and I’m sure most of the guests were happy to know that I’d be the first one to abandon my kid’s party for it.

Bill and Jessi had to check in to their hotel first, zombie makeup and all, but came back to my house later to hang out and, more importantly,  so Bill could get called a “douche cup” by Chooch when he had the audacity to deviate from the Lego instructions.

When they came back over the next morning for breakfast, Bill held out his hand and said, “Here, somehow Leatherface’s head made it into my pants last night.” So, now we know what Bill does after drinking a little Manischewitz.  I think that was the highlight of my entire weekend.

Thanks again to everyone who came and showed your love for my little zombie-child. It was so great to see everyone, especially you guys who came from hours and hours away. It really meant a lot to us! (Maybe not Henry, because he’s rude.)

And ever since his party ended, Chooch has been going on and on about his next party. “It’s going to be a CARROT party,” he says so full of certainty. “With CARROT ICING.” And no, he’s not just insinuating he wants a carrot CAKE. This is a full-scale carrot PARTY, you guys. And he wants everyone to dress as carrots. Have fun with that!

Ladies and gentlemen, my dandy kid.