9:08am good morning – we are currently in the Liberty tunnels attempting to leave Pgh for the third time this morning. First, we only made it down the street when I wanted to go back and say goodbye to Penelope (hate leaving her even for just overnight now that she’s an Only :/).

Then we made it about 10 minutes away when I realized I left my purse/wallet at home. Between me and Chooch, we are hopeless with our wallets!

Henry ran back into the house to get it and right as we were pulling out of the driveway, I shouted “WAIT! My poca holder!” So he had to go back in and get that too and now it is attached to my hip where it belongs.

Then just now it occurred to me that I should check to see if my light stick works and the batteries are DEAD. So now we have to do that before the concert at some point. Glad I checked! (I also emailed the venue to make sure lightsticks are allowed since this isn’t a kpop-specific concert and they said YES. I saved the email in case there are ISSUES.

10:49am: obligatory rest stop selfie

Looking haggard, my signature style for 2024.

Nothing much has been going on except for spending an hour trying to get today’s Spotle which was FOLK ugh. I did eventually get it but it was an annoying process of elim.

12:54pm: I thought we were there because we crossed a bridge and I saw a city but it’s just TOLEDO ugh fml.

2:32pm: Just left Brooklyn something where I had one of the most mediocre vegan meals of my life.

Vegan oyster mushroom po boy, no thank you. There was something weird about the sauce, I dunno. I did not enjoy it.

Henry got a house made veggie burger and it was also mid.

The servers were annoying. Our original server forgot about us. This was after she tried to offer Henry FAYGO who was like “yeah that’s just what I want to drink” (HE WORKS FOR FAYGO IN CASE U DIDNT KNOW.)

However, on the way inside, I made friends with a black squirrel and then the cook resembled Henry so all was not in vain.

However, I will never dine here again if ever in Detroit.

2:41pm: Now we’re checking into some Motor City casino hotel thing. It’s a vibe.

The lady checking in the people next to us asked if they were going to a concert and they said Justin something and she goes oh I thought maybe you were going to Jingle Ball and I legit leaned over the counter and , my arm shot up into the air, yelled, “We’re going to Jingle Ball!” And she was like “oh yay!” But our check in lady was like mmmmm. But then she explained the shuttle to us so there’s that.

3:10pm: view from the parking garage.

3:16pm: view from the elevator ceiling

We need batteries for my lightstick and Henry said he is going to ask at the front desk where is close by to get batteries and I was like NO THEY MIGHT THINK WE NEED THEM FOR A VIBRATOR because that is the first place my mind went obviously so why not the front desk people too.

UGH he still asked anyway and did it while LEANING into the counter toward the lady and paired it with the creepiest WINK WINK grin whyyyyy. She said the store in the hotel should have them but they’re sold out because everyone else needed them for their vibrators too.

3:46pm: Went to Walgreens where Henry had to push a CUSTOMER SERVICE button for someone to COME TO ELECTRONICS and unlock them for him and somehow I have actually convinced myself that we really are procuring batteries for some disgusting XXX action wtf is wrong with me lol.

4:52pm: the hotel and casino

We are currently walking to the venue because the casino bar is dumb.

5:16pm: Now we’re at Harry’s and Henry is being so annoying.

I’m an IPA girlie in case you didn’t know.

5:25pm: I made Henry check-in his beer with my lightstick in the background hahah.

He’s trying to be an IPA boy but it’s a struggle. He just has the palate of a plebe.

You guys. Why do I think coming to bars is ever a good idea I’m such a dumbo.

6:32pm: Got in line for Jingle Ball and immediately met other NCTzens and they gave me a Renjun pin <3

Effortless entry. Great venue so far.

6:58pm: Um hello

Signing off!!!!

Every time we have visited Korea, we stumbled upon protests nearly every day. There were elections happening during our visit in March so we encountered a lot then too and when I say that I never felt unsafe, I mean it.

Koreans are so resilient, strong and savvy. The ongoing protests to call for their president’s impeachment make me wish that our country could also come together in such peaceful, uplifting and safe ways, while also using humor and engaging in literal kpop sing-alongs. This is what community and unity looks like. I really hope Americans are paying attention.

The footage of citizens singing G-Dragon’s “Crooked” together at night gives me actual goosebumps. I love this country so much and I hope that everything turns out ok. I generally try to stay out of other countries’ politics but you know how much Korea means to me.

This was my memory of the day, Barb and me after dinner at Gianna Via’s in 2017. Barb insisted on wearing her sunglasses for the picture and I am positive that I am in the middle of mocking her here. I really really really miss her and her not being here still feels wrong, fake news, just a bad dream.

Henry performed some sort of emotional probe on me late last night which I guess I really needed because I started sobbing uncontrollably for a good hour, just so much death this year, the guilt of not being able to save Bambi weighing on me every minute of every day, the faking it until I make it because I feel like my window of time to talk about these things closed many months ago. And so on and so forth as my first grade teacher would say.

I really don’t know what else I need to be ok at this point. I’m in therapy. Time has passed. I cry every day. Every time I feel like maybe I’m getting better, I have a bad day that sets me back.

It’s not quite as bad as it was over the summer where I spent every day wishing I was dead and the only reason I didn’t act on it was because I was afraid Chooch wouldn’t go to college. I admitted that out loud last night for the first time and then wanted to throw up.

But I will say that I still feel like a shell, I feel like a visitor in my own skin, nothing is familiar. I wake up in the middle of the night feeling panicked. When does that stop.

Then today, one of my Buddys was killed on the street in front of our house. Henry picked him up off the street and buried him, and I really love him for that.

Fuck everything lol. I know–it could be so much worse and I should be grateful that it’s not but I can’t get a grip on these feelings, believe me, I’m trying.

1. Sister Hangs!

Henry and I had Monday off and it just so happened that my sister Amy did too! So we met up with her and Dick at Aslin in the Strip after our original choice in Lawrenceville was NOT open contrary to the hours posted on their website (UPDATE YOUR FUCKING WEBSITE/SOCIALS, JACKASSES). Aslin was a better choice, anyway, so eff off Lolev.

I like hanging out with Amy and Dick because Henry actually comes alive and participates in conversations, ESPECIALLY if the topic of THE SERVICE comes up. I tried to make him tell them about how he went AWOL but he shot that down super quick.

Apparently “early discharge” is something different.

“And it was only TWO MONTHS early!” he shouted. “BECAUSE THERE WAS NO CONFLICT.”

Wow, so “kicked out because you’re no longer needed” is better than “AWOL”??

OK, I am still in my beer discovery era and enjoyed everything I had that day, but this pizza stole the show. Squash, beets, creamy cheese, sweet sauce, and pillowy crust? Yeah. The pizza of my doughy dreams.

It’s my IPA season of life. Henry told me for YEARS that I wouldn’t like IPAs, you know why? Because HE didn’t like IPAs. But now that I like IPAs, he suddenly does too? Hmm.

Also, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how wonderful and sweet the bartender was – super patient (Henry went up to the bar FOUR TIMES with questions on HOW TO ORDER FROM THE QR CODE, get with the times please) and friendly.

Don’t mind my dopey-ass smile. I swear I wasn’t even drunk yet still somehow resemble a wino that they called over from a trashcan fire.

I would definitely go back here – it had a much better vibe and selection than that Chimera place Janna and I went to. EVEN THOUGH IT IS LIKE A CHAIN APPARENTLY. I am learning about breweries, too.

Also, Amy and Dick recently came back from a 2 week Italy trip with Perillo and now I am dying to go back there.

2. THE SECRET LIFE OF TEENAGED JANNA

NO FURTHER EXPLANATION NEEDED.

(Except that this conversation started because CHOOCH THE BRAIN got a 100 on his Calc exam, no sweat, etc.)

3. SPEAKING OF CHOOCH THE BRAIN

In therapy this week, we talked about the three states of the mind and it became HYPER APPARENT that Chooch and I butt heads all the time, not because our personalities are similar and that we are highly competitive (ok maybe those things too) but because we are on opposite sides of THE MIND SPECTRUM:

SADLY, you all know who is in the center. UGH even I can’t deny that.

I really, really, really hate how accurate this. Also, now when I accuse Chooch of being a sociopath, maybe you will understand why?!

4. K-Drama’d My Face Off

I started watching Family By Choice yesterday before work and the first episode made me cry so uncontrollably that I spent the first hour working through swollen eyes and shuddering breaths. Korea goes HARD when it comes to driving home emotion and trauma. Jesus Christ. Otherwise, this is super light-hearted and cute lol.

The kids who play the younger versions are so goddamn adorable and you know I don’t like kids so this is saying something.

5. Bambi’s Bias <3

Bambi’s bias The 8 released a video for his new single the other day and I have been watching it over and over. First of all, the song is perfection and “Spell” vibes, and secondly, his dancing. Jesus Christ. The 8 is such a captivating performer (even though Janna doesn’t like his hair, or his name).

6. Viridis Redemption Meal

After our lackluster Viridis-catered Thanksgiving, I was still somehow willing to give them a second try when they spammed my feed with pictures of their “chicken” sandwich. I LOVE chicken sandwiches made with mushrooms, therefor, resist I could not.

My phone has been taking shitty shots lately but this sandwich was everything I wanted and more. Pickle-heavy, tangy sauce, mushroom perfection. The only thing I could have done without was the strips of limp lettuce – whatever kind of lettuce that is. I would have preferred just regular lettuce.

The matcha pistachio donut was also delicious but not quite as good as Vegan Doughnuts in Cleveland.

Ugh, now I want to eat this again.

kbye.

Here is an intro to tell you that these are the books I read in November. Thank god for intros else you’d never have figured that out.

1. The Last One at the Wedding by Jason Rekulak

LEGIT OBSESSED WITH THIS BOOK. Maybe it was just because I was in a slump, but this was SO ENTERTAINING with a dad protagonist that was borderline surly and just exhausted and his narrative was hilarious even though this was a thriller. A little humor never hurt a thriller, if you ask me. I was rooting for him so hard and kept picturing him as a younger Bruce Willis trying to save his daughter from marrying into a VERY shady family. And then you throw in his sister and her emergency foster kid – golden dialogue. OMG my nose just started to burn because thinking about this book, especially the ending, has the tears threatening to spill.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book so much. I could barely put it down and stayed up way past my bedtime to finish it. MMMM. MMMM MMMM MMMM.

2. Everyone Who Can Forgive Me Is Dead by Jenny Hollander

Eh. I need to get it through my thick skull that dark academia is not for me, even when the academia portion is just via flashbacks. I also found this very hard to follow.

3. Hampton Heights: One Harrowing Night in the Most Haunted Neighborhood in Milwaukee, Wisconsin by Dan Kois

A cute, short read – kind of like Goosebumps for adults. I had higher hopes for this one especially because it was set in 1987 and I love me some radness. Anyway, this follows a bunch of paperboys as they find out that Hampton Heights is overrun by an array of monsters.

4. We Came to Welcome You by Vincent Tirado

What is it with book covers featuring pies?? They always lure me in and then disappoint me. This was such a bland domestic thriller. I could not force myself to care about the main character, her wife, no one. Your basic “new couple in a gated community” thriller, except there were very few thrills.

5. At Home with the Horrors by Sammy Scott

A short story anthology that I actually LOVED. Every story was between 4 to 5 stars, except for the last one which was actually a novella but – IMO – didn’t need to be. It was the only one that dragged on for me. But the rest? Shoooo—I actually really did get some chills out of these pages. It was like being a kid again and reading Christopher Pike, but for adults. “Scared Mary” was my favorite, an urban legend-ish tale for the current generation: being more and more extreme for the views.

Also, this cover! Coincidentally, I had checked this out of the library at the same time as “The Last One at the Wedding” and was so stoked at the similar covers. And then they both gave me great reading experiences, too! Thank you, lakeside book covers!

6. Sandwich by Catherine Newman

OK Ann Patchett, I’m disappointed in you for blurbing this and getting me to listen to the audiobook. I can’t believe how annoying it was. The MOST annoying family. The only character that wasn’t annoying was the cat. Who has these types of explicit yet casual sex conversations with their children? Granted, the kids were young adults but S T I L L – you know when something sexual makes ME uncomfy, then it’s gotta be weird.

Also, I must not have been paying attention because I just realized after the fact that the book is called Sandwich because it’s set in Sandwich, MA. The whole time, I was like, “They haven’t been eating that many sandwiches though, have they?”

Just so boring and whiny. And I too am boring and whiny –  but not like this, I hope.

7. The House That Horror Built by Christina Henry

I had really high hopes for this – a horror novel about a reclusive horror director? Yeah boi. But it was actually so boring, barely held my interest even after I tried switching to the audio. I think Christina Henry is just very hit or miss with me.

8. I’ll Stop the World by Lauren Thoman

OK I didn’t realize this was a time travel book until after I was already PRETTY INTO IT and that’s a good thing because I likely would have skipped it since we know how I roll (or stall) with time travel. But this was so good. Honestly, just very pure, the characters were so real, the 1980s vibes were vibin’ – I really enjoyed it.  4 stars.

9. Rest Stop – Nat Cassidy

Well this was a sick-fuck of a little book! I knew going into that it was going to be pretty violent and gross but it’s NAT CASSIDY and I am his FAN GWORL so I had to read it. 4 stars, a solid novella and made me feel like I had bugs crawling on me quite a few times.

10. Allow Me to Introduce Myself by Onyi Nwabineli

Five stars. The second book I’ve read from this author and she has me sold on her words, people. This book made me feel guilty about how much of Chooch’s life I have put online, but also grateful that I never actually got popular / become an influencer / etc. Because reading a book from the POV of a character who is fighting with her stepmom to take down posts and images of her as a child, and to see the continued trauma she is going through even as an adult was really upsetting and made me feel like an asshole.

My favorite part of this book though is the found family our main character has with her two best friends, and the sweet and pure relationship she has with her grandparents in Nigeria. I loved the parts of the book where she was there visiting and feeling her happiest and safest.

Nwabineli is an excellent writer. The emotion was there but also SO MUCH REALNESS in the dialogue and dynamics within the friend group.

11. Mr. Higgins Comes Home by Mike Mignola

A fun and spoopy little graphic novel that I read just to kill some time. I loved the illustrations!

That’s all for November.

God, I love this picture of her so much! She has such a teddy bear face. (Chooch says no.)

Penelope has really been out and about a lot more often lately so I feel less lonely but you know, still kind of weird because I have that guilt. Like, is Drew watching? Is she angry wherever she is, knowing that Penelope is sitting on my lap while I’m working or laying on me while I’m trying to sleep on the couch (BECAUSE IT WAS TOO HOT IN THE BEDROOM NOT BECAUSE THERE IS MARITAL DURESS OK? GOD, WAY TO START RUMORS, PEOPLE)?

What a shitty time I have been having these days, but at least I have Penelope to cuddle.

(Yesterday was an especially short-fused and dark mental day for me for some reason – do we even need a reason though – so I panic-bought a ticket to see NCT127 in March but to Henry’s chagrin. BUT! I did only buy myself a ticket so he is free to either sleep his face off in the hotel or buy a nosebleed seat the day-of. Aren’t I so nice? So, I guess we are going back to Chicago again.)

I spent a large portion of my last therapy session jawing off about how whack my childhood holidays were from middle school through high school and then even into my early adult years, and how because of that, I have been extra cautious about making sure holidays were normal for Chooch.

Then at the end of the session, she asked if I had any fun plans that weekend and I said, “Yeah, we’re decorating our Christmas tree, which is a mannequin!”

She was like, “omg.”

It just…feels so normal, though!

Janna and Corey came over to “help” by which I mean they sat with me and watched as Henry did 90% of the Trudying while I forced my favorite Belgian beer on them [GULDEN DRAAK, in case you ever need to get me a gift and don’t know (or care to know) how to navigate the world of Kpop merch].

Also, I made them download the link to my PARTY CAMERA so all of the pictures you see here are the cumulation of all three of our POVs.  I’m hoping to use this for Chingumas too but I know it will probably just be us three using it then too because I can never even get my friends to take pictures at my parties in general, let alone downloading a new camera app to use.

I don’t think these pictures are in order for some reason but who cares. All I know is that this was the nicest, funniest, most “normal” night that I have had possibly all year. No exaggeration. It almost felt like the way things used to be before everything started to fall apart this year. I can honestly say that I felt happy.

I mean look – that is the ugly face of laughter! Chooch had probably said something disparaging about Henry at this moment.

A different angle – probably laughing at the same thing!

I also made Corey and Janna watch the GD/BIGBANG performance at the MAMA Awards. I think it’s safe to say that they were not impressed but I was just happy to be watching it for the 87th time! Even Henry stopped what he was doing and loomed in the entry to the living room, watching from a distance like the plain-clothed Michael Myers that he is.

Ugh I hate this game so much but Chooch in was Game Master mode so we had to oblige him.

We all said “absolutely not” when he pulled out Trivial Pursuit.

My fancy Chouffe glass!

Chooch won, and that’s all that matters, I guess. If it can’t be me, it has to be him.

LOL Henry couldn’t use the party camera because he has an ANDROID.

I am clearly very into this glass – I didn’t even realize I took that many pictures of it.

We had Henry take non-party camera pics of us with Trudy.

What even is this lol.

Corey left around 10, Chooch bailed around 10:30 for a better party, and Janna stayed until 1AM learning 9 of the 13 members of Seventeen lol. It was a really solid night. I’m grasping at the fleeting memories of it, trying to hold on as long as possible before “real life” fully creeps back in. Sigh.

Hi! It’s 8:36am and we’re on our way to take Chooch back to Philly :( But wouldja look at his COAT??!! He went to the mall with his friends last night and actually found one he liked and I was like USE MY CREDIT CARD I DONT CARE HOW MUCH because I was so happy. Then I found out it’s an Eddie Bauer so say hello to your early Christmas present, son.

10:45am I have spent most of the ride so far arguing with Henry because he put me in charge of looking for somewhere to stop for lunch and you know how much I hate that chore. We just drove past some restaurant in a place called LICKING CREEK and they had a sign hanging that said WELCOME HUNTERS so I flipped out about that because FUCK A HUNTER. “Why do people treat them like heroes when they’re just hick barbarians running wild in the woods with guns??”

And would you believe Henry attempted to “NOT ALL” hunters to me??? Yes, yes you can believe that. Ugh I am so irate.

11:56am: Ugh Henry woke me up from a deep I-might-be-getting-sick sleep because he HAD to stop at Mr. Ed’s candy emporium and then proceeded to only buy stuff for himself. Truly is the worst

Stupid Pez room where I got blocked in by a bunch of feral kids. I really don’t like kids.

Miserable.

Me yelling at him for being miserable and then I yelled at Henry for taking bad pictures as usual.

Henry bought a bag of “9 Variety Pretzels” and first of all 1/4 are disgusting and second, I’m hard pressed to understand how they get 9 varieties when most of them are just different shapes but the same pretzel flavor?! “They should sell these at House of 1000 Beers,” I capped off my seething review.

2:18pm: just ate a place called Root – a vegan place in downtown Lancaster – and Chooch who is suddenly into football was crying because his phone died and he couldn’t watch it and then he was muttering and being a general nuisance so I flipped out and said I was no longer sad to be taking him back to college and he was like WOW and then Henry came back from the bathroom like “what did I miss” while I was in the middle of breaking up with the whole family. Then some brat kid arrived with his dad who was wearing an ironic Xmas sweater and had a hand tattoo of a clock and was probably into, I dunno, sad boy music, came in and sat next to us and the kid was sooooo screechy in his booster seat and the dad must have been on a date because Henry didn’t think she seemed like the mom and Emo Dad totally focused all his attention on her.

Hated them.

What I didn’t hate was the food and the service. We had two servers tag teaming us and they were awesome and friendly.

I got a “Reuben” with avocado, Chooch got an impossible burger, and Henry got a “shrimp” bowl which was very delicious. #beasted

Cool art too!! Featuring the top of my head – my part is really weird today.

2:33pm: “I already know what’s going to happen,” I said. “Chooch is going to move on and never talk to us just like Blake.”

“Do you want to be right?” Chooch asked dryly.

3:12pm: Just left Dutch Haven! Their shoofly pie never disappoints. Unforch, there were two carfuls of a super invasive and rude family who descended upon the shop, causing a commotion and letting their brood run amok. I really just can’t deal with that shit. The screeching. The small feet running through the store and knocking things over. The one kid whacked a row of wind chimes and her dad was like “kids do be, right?”

Also this family had “Rather be at Disney” stickers on their cars and I can’t even imagine the levels of assholeness and entitlement they reserve for Disney.

But it was still ok because we got our pies and pretzels and Chooch got two pencil sharpeners – a slot machine and the Liberty Bell lol ok. They’re made out of pewter or something, I dunno.

oh also I uninvited Chooch to Chingumas when we were at lunch, he had me spiraling out in anger. “And I’m not texting you anymore either!!!”

“Oh no,” he sang with emergency jazz hands.

5:05pm: Chooch is back in his dorm:(

Actually no, strike the frown! I’m still mad at him lol. I tried to make him apologize but he wouldn’t.

I helped him carry stuff into his dorm and wanted desperately to write SEVENTEEN RULZ on someone’s white board but he wouldn’t let me.

Now it’s just me, Henry, and Henry’s nose whistle in the car. :( For the next 5.5 hours.

7:46pm: Henry and I are back on speaking terms after he finally apologized for not being able to read my mind three rest stops ago. This ride is so boring. Especially when we’re not talking lol.

9:32pm: I couldn’t wait until I got home – I had to watch Seventeen’s Disney performance on YouTube and it was so pure, as were the comments on ABC’s Instagram post, which is always scary when an American TV channel is promoting Kpop because that tends to bring the racists out in droves. But it was all good and supportive <3

Well I guess on that note, I’ll just publish this. We have 40 minutes left and most of that will probably just be us talking about Seventeen because, #CaratCouple