I. Watching grown men have their innards minced on spinny rides
Oh, Pete and Corey look ecstatic in these photos, sure; but the truth is that they were both trying not to give innocent bystanders a puke-wash. The fact that they kept everything down is a miracle, considering Pete is no stranger to losing his lunch on a carnival ride, according to Seri. Maybe he’ll let me interview him about that experience someday.
I was just happy that I didn’t have to ride the Sizzler again, after Chooch dragged me on once immediately upon arrival and then I needed to visit a witch doctor to get my brain to stop rattling to the beat of Call Me Maybe. But cold sweats sure feel great on a ninety degree day, even if they do bring on waking nightmares of child birth, except instead of a child, you’re birthing a nine pound fecal log of fear, anxiety and complete disregard for your own life.
II. Birthing a nine pound fecal log of fear, anxiety and complete disregard for your own life.
A/k/a riding the Zipper! My favorite ride of all time! The above picture is Corey after riding the Zipper! He hates it! AHHHHHH THE ZIPPER&*(&(*^&(*^%%$$##@#$!!
If only Henry could get me that excited.
Anyway, Corey reluctantly agreed to ride the Zipper even though he’s approximately 5 inches too tall and his feet bend backward every time the carny slams the cage shut on us. And then the ride starts and we’re in a state of perpetual tailspin and suddenly I’m strangulated by SHEER TERROR and I can no longer laugh at Corey’s anguish because OMG I’M IN ANGUISH!
BUT IT FEELS SO GOOD!
Have you ever ridden the Zipper? If so, you know that it’s a deceiving little sonofabitch, like a miniature ferris wheel flattened into the shape of an oval, and instead of offering a picturesque view of the lands below, you get a frontseat upside down glimpse of DANGER DANGER while being blinded by flashes of impending death, which may or may not include montages of Carrot Top going down on your granny while you’re scrambling around collecting your blown-off appendages like a warzone Easter egg hunt.
Meanwhile, Corey was muttering things like “Oh fuck” and “Why???” in a disgusted monotone that sounded uncannily like our father, who is perpetually displeased about most everything in life except The Bourne series and Caramel Caribou ice cream.
Some of the Zipper’s greatest hits include:
1. Bolts Popping in D Minor
2. I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight (When Our Zipper Cage Crashed To The Ground)
3. Somebody That I Used To Know (Puked On The Zipper)
4. What Makes You Beautiful (Is The Plastic Surgery You Had To Get After Your Face Was Cheese-Grated In That Zipper Disaster)
5. Part of Me (Got Amputated When the Carny Slammed The Zipper Cage Shut)
6. (The Zipper Launched Me Into the Atmosphere & Now I’m Up Here With the) Starships
III. Having other children there to entertain my child.
Having other children there to entertain my child. Highly recommended.
A clown named Popcorn! Who couldn’t love a clown named POPCORN?! Other than people who have seen Killer Klowns From Outer Space and/or lost a loved one to a popcorn accident.
There was another clown there who was totally enamored by Seri. All the poor pasty-faced man wanted to do was twist her a heart from a balloon and she was being so standoffish! Damn, if he had shown me even an ounce of that attention, I’d have taken him back behind the 4H tent and twisted his balloon. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
V. Not Being Hogtied & Devoured By Children!
Seri was brave/dumb and left me (and Corey!) responsible for her children, who had only just met us, and you might know that I was born without the ability to properly interact with/control children. (Maybe there’s also a rap sheet out there somewhere that could tell you that.) Anyway, they were mostly OK! Until they tried to converse with me and I met all their social exercises with twitches, shrugs and “Huh?”s. Then they got bored with me and wandered off. Don’t worry, I knew where they were. (Mostly.)
I think they were with my kid? I wasn’t sure where he was though.
VI. Oh Shit, MAGIC SHOW!
Seri, Pete and Henry rescued Corey and me from the children just in time for us to enjoy a real life magic show with real life magic and illusionary mysticism! Thank god it started right after I finished eating, else I can’t promise I would have paid it much attention.
I kept turning around to mouth exaggerated “Ooooh”s at Corey and Henry. Henry was totally unimpressed by the whole thing, especially after he did a quick scour on Facebook and discovered that this guy was not friends with our magician friends, therefore exposing him as a FRAUD.
After the show, Josh Knotts the Illusionist announced that if anyone wanted his autograph, they could have just that for $2. OH DID I! Except that I didn’t have $2, and Henry — who hadn’t heard the announcement — was sceptical from the get-go and said, “I only have $1 and I’m not breaking a $20.” Then he did that moustache bristle and old man squint. So I asked Pete and he gave me a dollar, because I’m still a novelty item.
Anyway, I put on my best fake fan impression and then Josh complimented me on my Anthem Made shirt (it’s the Kellin Quinn collection, ya’ll!) which made me smug because Henry was annoyed when I bought it (It says “We Are The Scene” and Henry thinks it’s dumb). Then Josh made me have my picture taken with him and his assistant, which I immediately made Seri delete from her phone.
At first glance, Janice was just your average fanny pack-wearing county fair attendee who randomly volunteered to help out during one of the magic acts. But it quickly came to our attention that she is a HOG for attention, oh my god. She did everything in her power to steal the show, including but not limited to flossing Josh Knott’s ass with a straight jacket strap.
She sure made all the hicks in the audience howl!
Corey and I became obsessed with her.
“I have a feeling Janice knows her way around a stage,” Corey observed.
God love her.
VIII. The Magic Maze Controversy
The boys basically spent all night running through the maze (and repeatedly slamming their heads against the plexi glass), but this turned out to be fortuitous because it enabled Corey and me to witness something amazing when we rejoined our pack after riding the Freak Out (during which some beefy carny said, “You might want to remove those” while practically dunking his head inside my cleavage; he was only talking about the sunglasses hooked onto my shirt collar though). I missed the initial conflict, which happened when some girl ran into the maze, causing the old man carny to legit hollar at her. Corey said he really screamed at her good and couldn’t believe that I didn’t hear. By the time he alerted me to the drama, I was able to watch as the girl came back out of the maze, exchange words with the carny, and run over to her mom in tears. Apparently, she had found someone’s discarded ride-all-day wristband and attempted to dupe the carny by holding it on to her wrist.
YOU CAN’T TRICK A CARNY. They’re the original tricksters. That’s how women wind up impregnated with gingers. Everyone knows that. So anyway, Old Carny was livid about this and sent that bitch packing.
“That was so mean,” Corey said sadly, wearing his pity for poor people like a Boy Scout badge.
“I know, and so late in the evening? He should have just let her go through,” I added. But then I got a good look at her, crying into her mom’s bosom, and I said, “But, isn’t she a little old to be crying about that?”
Corey studied the scene for a few seconds, and said, “No, you’re totally right,” and then started cracking up. So then I started cracking up too, and Henry was all, “What is so funny? I am old and lack mirth, please explain in laymen’s terms what has made you laugh.”
A few minutes later, Seri, Pete and the boys were on the bumper cars, so Corey, Henry and I were standing around in everyone’s way as usual. Actually, I think Henry was cranking up our debt by playing more games. The poor girl and her mom walked by us and I blurted out, “Oh my god, she’s STILL crying!” and we just died. Seriously, go home and have Pa make you a maze in one of his almanac and cat litter hoarding rooms.
IX: Corey Is Still Color Blind!
Sometime earlier in the evening, Corey pointed to the Skydiver and said, “Oh boy, there’s that orange and green ride again.”
I was able to contain my erupting laughter for a few seconds before blurting out, “OMG THAT RIDE HAS NEITHER COLOR!” and then frantically texting his girlfriend the good word.
God, I love when his color blindness comes into play.
Quite possibly the only lowlight was when Corey and I were standing in line for the Freak Out and he realized that horrible fun. song was playing on two different rides, on each side of us, and both songs were at different parts. I was so angry at him for pointing that out because then I couldn’t stop noticing it and it was sonic warfare on my poor ears. The brightside was that we had a brief bonding moment over a mutual dislike of one of the most obnoxiously commercial songs of 2012.
(Music snob footnote: The Format was so much better than Fun. and I have been preaching that since 2009.)
OK, that’s not true. There was another lowlight.