1. My ex… is a Facebook friend so obviously we have no beef. Two of them are actually. Is that weird? Probably is for Henry, oh ho ho ho.
2. Maybe I should… stop being such an asshole to my friends, but then they’d probably be bored around me.
3. I love… my trucker-mouthed son, Henry (on pay day), and grilled cheese.
4. People would say that I am… weird, obnoxious, looks like a turtle.
5. I don’t understand… recipes.
6. When I wake up in the morning… I torment my child until he wakes up too. Then I make coffee and spill it all over myself. EVERY MORNING without fail. Which is why I only lasted one night as a waitress.
7. I trust…. Henry, but that took years and years. Also, I trust in my ability to take a good thing and decimate it.
8. Life is… an internal war.
9. My past taught me… what kind of mother I DON’T want to be and that 80s synthpop is the best.
10. I get annoyed when… people interrupt me because don’t they know that I am weaving a gilded yarn right before their eyes? DON’T THEY KNOW WHO I AM?? Also, when Henry leaves his dirty socks all up on my floors.
11. Parties are… best when I invite in people off the street and watch all of my friends mumble uncomfortably and prepare to dial 911. Also, they are best when someone gets naked. I’ll have a party and you should be that person. Yes, you.
12. I wish… my cat Marcy really was immortal. We’re besties, she just denies it. But I know behind that sinister glare and murderous hissing, there is love.
13. Dogs… make me sad that I live in a stupid duplex with practically no yard.
14. Cats…. were never an animal I cared about, but I’ve accumulated four since I moved out into my own place at 18. I love them, but I do not love that they pee on things that are not meant to be peed on. Unless it’s something of Henry’s, then it’s all “be my guest.”
15. Tomorrow is…. another day to wean my son from swearing.
16. I have a low tolerance for… watching people being cut open, though I’ve always felt that if I were the one navigating the slicing apparatus, I’d be all good.
17. If I had a million dollars… I’d dump Henry so fast. Purchase a few dozen nannies for the child. Ingratiate myself with the D-list and get my ass on TMZ every other hour, bitches. Also, I’d finally get to buy all the merch I want at Warped Tour, instead of puffing out my bottom lip and coveting all the cool scene attire from afar. I’d buy some Kanye glasses too, and they’d be made of George Washington’s bones and embedded with some fine ass rubies.
18. I’m totally terrified of… being murdered. Rivers. Driving past factories and things with big electrical towers and look I’m so terrified just thinking about what to type that I’m not even making sense. Power plants. Being lost. Plane crashes. The ocean. Outer space (SICKENING!!!!).
19. When I look at the night sky I think… that there are probably a lot of dummies getting murdered right now.
20. If I could be anyone, I would be… someone who is dead.