Jul 162016

2009 Oct 17 002

Guys, people laugh when I say that I made a lot of friends during my time on LiveJournal, but it’s TRUE and I have been lucky (and in some cases….unlucky) enough to have met quite a bit of them. Bill is one of the ones who falls into the “I’m Lucky” category. Bill is from Michigan, and the first time we met was in 2008 when he came to Pittsburgh for one of my game nights. He brought his then-girlfriend now-wife Jessi with him and the rest is AS THEY SAY, HISTORY. Those two have been integral players in our lives since then, coming to Chooch’s birthday parties, taking us on vacation to Tennessee with them, showing us the wonders of FRANKENMUTH. (I’m going to try to get Jessi up in here too for her own People Feature.)

May 14 2011 003 copy

Here you can see Bill elbow-deep in his side-gig: balloon sword creator for children’s birthday parties. I just went through all of my Birthday Party albums in Flickr and in each one, there are pictures of Bill and Jessi with their sleeves rolled up, hanging decorations, icing cookies, blowing up balloons — these guys are gems and I’m crying right now because EMOTIONS.

Bill is one of the friendliest, most hilarious people I’ve ever met. His comedic timing is flawless; hates Guy Fieri; and he is always down to encourage and egg on any random obsessions I have, especially when the side effect is terrorizing Henry. Bill is also part-owner of a comic and game shop in Wayne, MI called Warriors 3 – he has literally built a career around having fun. That’s how fucking brilliant he is. And he loves Chooch so much that he arranged for GERARD WAY (My Chemical Romance) to give him a Twitter shout out on his 8th birthday:

Bill is also the kind of guy who will take one for the team and ask the weird waiter at Dollywood if he could take his picture when you’re too afraid to do it yourself. In other words: Bill is an A+ friend, would recommend, would hang out again and again and again. Get yourselves a Bill!


1.Walk us through a typical day in the life of Bill: 

Most morning start with the sounds of Bob (my cat) waking me up outside the door, or Louise (my dog) barking to get in. Then I usually do all the requisite pet feedings and then take care of the morning constitutional and bathing rituals. From there either catch up on TV or head out to work at the store. Then I spend the day working and doing my thing there. From there, me and Jessi head home and mellow out and watch TV. Once Jessi heads off to bed, I usually pop on and play video games with Worm on his stream for a few hours, then hit the sackadoodle. Wednesdays are bum fight days where I randomly go to hobo camps and challenge their leaders to hand to hand combat. Plus Saturday is for tacos.

May 08 2010 162 copy

2. You’re supposedly into bowling, I hear. Build your dream bowling league, anyone in the world, fictional, dead, alive:
Well, any bowler worth his salt knows you need the Dude and Walter. I would add Abraham Lincoln because I am an admirer and I feel like he would know how to tickle the lanes. Finally, I would want Bullseye, the Daredevil villain because he never misses and every game would be a 300. Maybe Chaka Khan.
3. If you and Jessi had met via Craigslist, what would your ad have said to lure her in?
When I was single in the early double 00s, I always used the headline “50 Million Elvis Fans Can’t Be Wrong” on Yahoo Personals. It worked once, but it was a very bad experience. But then, because of that experience I met Jessi, so ………..
4. Chooch started calling you a “douche cup” a few years ago over a Lego dispute. Now it’s the year 2025 and you and Chooch are business partners, marketing a brand new game by the same name. Explain the rules to us:
I always imagined douche cup to be a party game. The judge has to make a semi-ordinary claim, like “I just got back from New York.” Then everybody else playing has to come up with a crazy way to one-up them like “Well I just got back from Geroge Wendt’s private sauna in Montana.”  The winner gets a point. After 5 points, you are the Douche Cup!
5. Guy Fieri is visiting your town of Wayne, MI and the mayor assigns you the responsibility of showing him around. Where do you take him?
The garbage dump, I imagine that’s where he gets all his recipe ideas and style from. Get some aloe for that sick burn on you Guy Fieri!
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6. Being one of the owners of Warriors 3 Comics & Games, you’re pretty much the President of Game Night. What are five of your all-time favorite games to bust out when you have friends over?
My first call is kind of an old hat these days, but Cards Against Humanity has been the source of some of the most laughs I’ve ever had. One of my fondest memories is of me and Chooch teaming up to bust heads with that game. My next current super favorite is Camel Up, a camel racing game by Z-Man games. You pretty much bet on a camel race that usually goes back and forth and is fun as hell. 7 Wonders from Asmodee Games is another favorite. You draft cards and try to build up victory points. It’s pretty groovy. Every Christmas when we throw our party, we always break out Charades. A true classic, but fun as hell when everybody is loose enough to act out whatever craziness the other team can come up with. Another is Clusterfight by some company whom I can’t recall the name of. You go around and play a “hero” to fight on your behalf, then once everybody picks a fighter (a myriad of fictional and historical figures), then everybody bets on who will win, then everybody gets to play an action card to influence the fight in the way of their choice. Yay.
7. You’re forced to hear the same song play every single time you flush the toilet, any toilet, and it was chosen by your mortal enemy which means it’s a song you hate. What song is it??
It’s gotta be “Far Behind” by Candlebox. I have no idea why I would divulge something like this to you, but there it is. Either that or any part of the Toby Keith discography.
8. I love knowing what people were like in high school. So tell us. (Also, knowing the answer to the above question totally had me sitting here with steepled fingers, doing that throaty giggle I do when I’m about to troll the fuck out of someone.)
Honestly, I was pretty plain and quiet. I wore bands shirts and was, “Hey, it’s that fat guy. Hi dude.” I had 0 self esteem and failed all of my courting attempts miserably. I had some great groups of friends, despite the fact I was an opinionated dickhole when it came to movies and music. I’m kind of surprised I still had any friends, yeah that bad. Otherwise I was a pretty dope guy I suppose.

Aug 30 2011 334 copy

9. Many years ago, you, Jessi and I tried to interview a bait shop owner with NO SUCCESS. What advice do you wish the seasoned fishing industry gossip columnists would have given us young, up-and-coming bait shop journalists on how to TACKLE the underbelly of worm dispensaries and get real answers to the hard questions?
First off, I wish they had told us to dress is camouflage head to toe. I feel like it would have made the former bait shop proprietor at ease to be in his native garb. Second, I think they would have told us to find a phone number and call ahead, but I disagree. How will you catch their nefarious deeds if you plan your prying eyes ahead of time. I think it helps to know your native fish, so you can have good icebreakers like, “How’s them halibut jumpin?” should halibut be native to your bait shop owner’s baitable body of water.
10. Write a short poem about your love for Hardee’s.
       The sweet smell of cinnamon and raisin
       Hark, are those fresh buttered biscuits tickling my nose?
       The sausage sizzles like a lion, heading for his next Christian meal
       There better not be a fucking Mega Bus in my way!
And that’s my friend Bill! If you ever find yourself in the Detroit-ish area of Michigan, looking for a place to hang with cool people, I IMPLORE you to check out Bill’s shop, Warriors 3. I’m not a gamer or comic book-reader, but anytime I have visited, the sense of camaraderie is overwhelming. GEE I WONDER WHY.

  3 Responses to “People Feature #2: My Mutton-Chopped Friend Bill!”

  1. I do not have being near Detroit in my itinerary but I wish I did because Bill is legit. Literary gold:
    ‘“How’s them halibut jumpin?” should halibut be native to your bait shop owner’s baitable body of water’

    Douche cup sounds like it needs to be developed ASAP to catch people just as they’re getting tired of CAH.

    Please tell us more about how this Gerard way hook-up came to be because I am in the market for a new husband and he has been in the top five since hearing the tears in his voice in “Helena.”

    • I swear I’m going to start a commune so all of my favorite people can move there because I am positive all of you guys would get along so well!

      I believe the Gerard connection is that Gerard’s friend/former security person Worm lives in the area and is a regular at Bill’s shop. Gerard has even stopped by and played Magic there!!

      I went through a HEAVY Gerard phase during that album too, sighhhhhh. <3

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