I was all set to write about Easter weekend, how Henry hates dyeing eggs and the amazing tofu I had (srsly, that’s a sentence that was just purposely typed), but then I realized what today’s date is. Just the other day, I was texting with Andrea and it dawned on me that the 10 year anniversary of they day I walked out of the most dysfunctional and damaging job I’ve ever had was coming up.
No wonder it has been popping up in my mind so much lately.
Well, that day is today. It’s funny how a simple date can give me such stomach aches. But it has also given me a lot to think about. If you were my friend during the 4 years I worked at this place, you know all about how it was the most depressed I’ve ever been in my life, and you know about how the experience took my big lionesque personality and suppressed it into that of a timid lamb.
I don’t really talk about those days very much and I definitely don’t write about the worst of it because I was told not to. But I will tell you that the day I stood up to the owner of the company and walked out was the most empowered I have ever felt as a woman, and it was also one of the most reckless decisions I made.
It took me YEARS to be able to mentally and emotionally start working again, because, well, four years of emotional abuse, inappropriate touching, verbal bullying, and the aftermath of walking away from it resulted in some trauma. I would go to interviews and have to breathe in paper bags in my car because I would be so scared and panicked. I developed a stutter. I became shy and socially crippled. I let this happen and I fucking can’t stand it. But, I am a lot better now. I’m also a lot different now.
This place had it all: death, suicide, theft, affairs, racism, sexism, harrasment, drugs. It was like working in an office full of sleazy uncles. Let’s just say that the climax was an argument between me and my boss about someone who ended up dying tragically three days later.
Perhaps after ten years, I should be “over it,” and perhaps I need to go back to therapy, but it was something that defined me. Whether I like it or not. That place redirected the course of my life, and while I love where I am now, it was a long and rocky road full of unemployment, shut-off and eviction notices, panic attacks and extreme self-doubt.
I hate that I let it happen. I hate that I thought it was “normal” to be treated like that. I hate that Human Resources didn’t exist there. So much of what is “wrong” with me today can be directly attributed to the years 2000-2004. (Everything else can be blamed on my family, haha.)
So today, I feel sick to my stomach and flooded with memories while nasty words ricochet in my mind. I am equal parts sad, angry, bitter, infuriated, guilty and FUCKED OVER. It’s your basic Sybil City over here. But, all of this reminds me that my current job is a fucking wet dream compared to that nightmare. So that is one silver lining.
The biggest silver lining is Henry (gross, but I had to be honest!). Everything happens for a reason, right? I’m not sure I would have met him anywhere else if we hadn’t both endured that hell together.
We’ll go back to having fun on here tomorrow, I promise.
P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ROBERT SMITH!!!
Happy anniversary of escaping hell! I don’t know the stories but it does sound horrifying so I’m glad you made it out okay.
Thank you, Kendahl! <3
I, too, am very happy you made it out of there. It definitely sounds like it was hell on earth.
(When’s Lol’s birthday?)
Thanks, Casey <3 It was the most abusive relationship I've ever been in, I just didn't realize it until later. :(
You’re one of the toughest broads I know. You’ve always been a huge inspiration to me and a effing great friend too. I’m sorry that you’re hurting today and I’m even more sorry for all that you went through back then. Love you tons
Thank you for letting me vent me about it the other day. I didn’t realize how much I have been penting up!
holy crap that sounds awful. This isn’t a place I’m inadvertently supporting, am I?
No don’t worry! It’s a little family-run store in Pittsburgh. My DAD actually still shops there sometimes though!
Robert Smith is an Aries/Taurus cusp? Good lord, how did I not realize this sooner?
Here is a blah blah line about how everything happens for a reason, and you never would have met Henry without it, and feel good happy shit goes here.
I AM glad you met Henry for real.