9:24am: Gonna attempt to liveblog the drive home from Newark because the ride here was boring so maybe this will inspire me to spice it up for the sake of the Internet. I’ve been ready to go for an hour but Henry is meticulously packing everything like he’s leaving for the Army. Then he yelled GODDAMMIT and I thought he left his wallet at the Prudential Center or something but turns out he put his phone in his back pocket and accidentally tucked part of his shirt in with it — and that required such a zealous outburst I guess.
I miss KCON.
9:33am: Goodbye, shitty airport Wyndham hotel. It’s amazing the difference in quality between this Wyndham and the one we stayed at Thursday night – that hotel was dreamy. Also, I’m wearing my KCON shirt while taking Chris’s survey about towels.
9:52am: Less than 20 minutes in the car and we’re fighting over where to stop for breakfast. So, everything’s normal over here. Maybe henry should stop asking me to find restaurants because he has a reason to shoot down all of my suggestions, always. I’m retiring as Yelp-Looker-Upper after breakfast. THIS WILL BE MY SWAN SONG. DON’T LET ME DOWN, MR. APPLE PIE DINER.
10:04: We’re here! Everyone hates me but this place has AMBIANCE AND CHARACTER. It kind of smells like pee in here though.
I just sent Chooch to check out the bathroom sitch. He said it’s just normal and not creepy. “White walls, a toilet, garbage can, a sign that says Don’t put paper towels in the toilet, and someone wrote ‘dummy’ at the bottom of it.”
This has been Chooch’s Bathroom Review.
I ordered a veggie omelet. I have never had an omelet with green beans, carrots, corn and peas in it. Literally a whole bag of frozen vegetables. It was….different. Shoulda got the pancakes.
But…those 1970s greasy spoon vibes, y’all.
10:56am: Henry almost wrecked the car because he was so excited to see a Roy Rogers in Whatevertown, NJ.
12:03pm: Just went to Hmart for the first time ever and Henry was a complete jerk and ruined my experience so it will be a loooooong drive home in silence.
The best aisle.
We also got some doraji and it’s taking everything in me not to tear into it right now. We should have just skipped breakfast and ate at Hmart ugh.
12:40: Henry is upset because of the full service gas station laws in NJ and dejectedly let some kid pump gas on his behalf. Then inside the gas station, henry and I made eye contact and started laughing so I guess we’re all made up now or whatever. Ugh.
1:28pm: Henry’s GPS just said welcome to PA so I guess we’re in PA too bad we live clear on the other side of it and henry is taking the long way to avoid the turnpike.
Meanwhile Chooch has been hounding henry for his wifi hotspot and we’re like, “Can’t you look out the window and find animals and weeners in the clouds like normal kids from the 80s?!?!” Oh I can’t STAND this generation.
2:02: Ugh we just passed a sign for Scotrun and Henry and I both thought it said Scrotum. I hate when we think alike!!!!!!!!
3:54pm: We are still so far from home and if I hear Chooch whine “daddy” one more time, I might actually put myself up for adoption. WE ARE ALL SO CRANKY. Except henry – he is perfectly prince-y.
Me: Do you think I’m ugly?
me: YOU DIDNT EVEN LOOK AT ME!
Henry: I KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE!
And now you know what this car ride is like.
5:46pm: waved the white flag in our mission to find eating establishments open on Sunday in this area and had our concession meal at Sheetz. LIVIN’ LARGE. Chooch got spaghetti and complained about it like he forgot he ordered it at a gas station. I had a veggie wrap which is what I always get from Sheetz but it wasn’t wrapped appropriately therefor changing the whole flavor and experience. Henry thought this was funny because I’ve had really bad luck with food on this trip. We ended up eating at the hotel restaurant Friday night after the show and the veggie wrap I got there was similar to my omelet from this morning: STUFFED WITH A BAG OF FROZEN VEGGIES. Only this mix had zucchini, squash, crinkle-cut carrots, broccoli, and cauliflower in it. The kind of freezer section vegetables that make you think you hate vegetables when you’re a kid. NOT APPROPRIATE WRAP VEGGIES. And they were all watery too. I want, like, spinach, tomatoes, onions, olives, green peppers on my wrap. Those are wrap-worthy veggies!!
6:25pm: What You Missed: my daily run-down of all the things I believe to be wrong with me. Once a hypochondriac….
(I used to keep the Merck Medical Journal on my bedside table when I was a teenager. I once thought I had pleurisy, water-on-the-knee, and a quincy at the same time.)
7:23pm: That feeling when Henry has to stop to pee twenty minutes from home. (What is: FURY.)
7:36: YEAH BOY.