It’s 10:32am and we just dropped Chooch off at his Aunt Kelly’s and are officially en route to Allentown for the Hands Like Houses/Slaves show. Except that I threw about 18 fits this morning because I didn’t have anything to wear so then Henry was trying to pick things out for me and by that I mean he was trying to make me wear things that make me feel fat because he’s a motherfucker!! Who does that?! And then he was like here wear this purple shirt, you wear this purple shirt a lot. NO I DON’T! But whatever, I put it on. I’m live blogging this because probably we’re going to fight again soon and I’ll have no one to talk to. Just you, Blog.

10:35: SHEETZ. Henry is finally going to feed me.

10:46: Sheetz is the worst on Memorial Day weekend, UGH!! It was so crowded and I panicked because I’m wearing a fatsuit that Henry picked out for me and I just wanted to be done in there so I grabbed a PB&J from the cooler even though that’s not what I wanted and I’m mad!! I hope Henry chokes on his Slim Jims. Motherfucker.

Before we dropped Chooch off, we drove past a church and Chooch decided to make up a prayer that started with “For the love of kittens in London and Taiwan.”

11:10am: After great deliberation (with himself), Henry has decided to just go ahead and use the EZ Pass that comes with the rental car. Wow. What a monumental occasion. I’m so glad it happened on a day I decided to live blog. LIVE IT UP, HENHEN.

11:17am: Just passed a truck crashed into the barrier on the opposite side of the road so Henry was all, “I HAVE TO WARN ONCOMING TRAFFIC!” so he started flashing his lights and then he saw an eighteen wheeler and said, “OH I WILL DEFINITELY HAVE TO WARN THIS TRUCK! HE WILL NEED TIME TO SLOW DOWN!” He’s so proud of himself. Get this motherfucker a badge.

OH, HE WENT FOR IT:

12:19pm: Stopped to pee a few minutes ago and Henry tried to hold my hand (when we were walking into the rest area, not while I was peeing). Then I had to go and accidentally look at myself in the bathroom mirrors and just ugh, thanks for ruining my life Henry!! Came back out after some ginger bitch kept being in my way and Henry had a bag of Auntie Anne’s pretzel bites as if I’m not already engorged enough! UGH!!

12:21pm: OK I feel a little better but I need more coffee ASAP. And Henry keeps pointing at dumb things out the window. GO FUCK YOURSELF AND YOUR STUPID SCENERY!!! Maybe I’m not actually feeling any better, n/m.

12:38pm: Just screamed at Henry to not hit the hawk flying up ahead of us and he yelled, “It’s flying 15 feet above us! I’d have to make the car jump to hit it!” UGH STFU HENRY GO CONFUSE A DICK FOR AN AUNTIE ANNE’S PRETZEL BITE WHY DON’T YOU!!!

12:44pm: According to Henry, I’m “lucky” to have him because “any other guy” would have left me at home after I threw my “tantrum.” OH OK.

1:19pm:

Fun fact! I had to buy this album three times because I kept playing it to the point of no return. Also, we stopped several minutes ago so I could get an iced macchiato at Starbucks but Henry loudly said, “I’m going to a real store to get a drink” and then walked defiantly across the rest stop to the A-Plus convenience store. You sure showed all of us coffee drinkers, Henry.

1:52pm: UGHHHHHH!!!!

2:10pm: We’re at this diner in Carlisle, PA. They only like me here, not Henry.

2:14pm: HENRY JUST SCRATCHED HIS ‘STACHE:

2:34pm: Henry had to reorganize my veggie burger and then cut it for me because feeding myself is hard. :( I had ketchup everywhere and I was so scared.

3:40pm: How are we not there yet, ugh. I only have so many things to say to Henry, and it’s mostly “shut up” in a variety of tones and volumes.

4:04pm: Oh look there’s our hotel but Dum-Dum Henry can’t figure out how to get there. Also, Allentown is a shit hole. (Actually, I haven’t seen any of it but I’m really good at prejudging.)

4:24pm: At the Ramada Inn. I asked Henry for a quote and he mumbled, “glad to be here. Stoked” but for some reason I think he’s being sarcastic.

4:38: Aaaaaaand, panic attack.

5:00: Going to die now. BBL as a ghost.

5:53pm: After talking me down from a cliff, we’re inside the Croc Rock which is a total dump & full of disgusting women-hating bros and underaged girls thirsty for Jonny Craig. Also, the ceiling is leaking and it smells like piss. Fuck you, Allentown. At least Hands Like Houses are here.

We just saw the guy from Hands Like Houses who looks like a young Tim Curry to me, ughhhh. Even Henry just calls him “Tim Curry” now. “Look here comes Tim Curry,” Henry said the first time we got here right before I cried, “I CAN’T DO THIS LETS JUST GO WAHHH” so we sat in the car and he patted my knee until I was OK. But you guys knew I had issues.

6:25pm: Girl next to me just said, “Is it just me or does it smell like cat piss in here?” And I’m like YES but then WAIT WHAT IF IT’S ME?

6:45pm: Alive Like Me asked who’s excited for Slaves and I did not cheer. Because fuck you JC no I love you NO I HATE YOU! AHHHHHHGGGHHH. Someone give me a mallet.

6:52pm: I’m always waiting for bands to say PUT YOUR MEAT CLEAVERS IN THE AIR, MOTHERFUCKERS! because I’m READY. But they never do. It’s always just “hands” :(

7:33pm: King Shit must be about ready to take the stage because every thirsty chick in this room just spontaneously released pheromone. I just want to puke though.

8:02pm: I HATE YOU I LOVE YOU I HATE YOU I LOVE YOU UGHHHH.

8:33pm: Shucks y’all that was a pretty big mistake.

9:35pm: I’m glad that was an early show because I’m starving and want alcohol (no bar at that venue, WTFFFF??). Totally stressed out and Henry is driving in circles looking for a secret bar that has apricot coriander beer. When we left, we walked past a pizza place where King Shit was eating with his rebound girl, ugh it made me sick. I just can’t with him anymore.

9:45pm: Professional Driver HenHen found the Allentown Brew Works but lied about the apricot beer. At least the hockey game is on.

10:03pm: Henry doesn’t like champagne.

10:30pm: I hate our waitress so much and Henry is like in love with her. And no that’s not even why I hate her. I just had a martini because this asshole place didn’t have that stupid apricot beer and that’s all I wanted I hate my life today was SO DUMB. FUCK YOU.

10:34pm: so I guess me (Henry) has to post . As of now I have nothing to say, except its been a helluva day.

11:02pm: Me: “I’m taking down all of my Jonny Craig pictures in my office on Tuesday.” Henry: “OK.”

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Per my friend Sandy’s request, I am going to live-blog Game 2 of the Penguins/Islanders 1st round playoff matchup thing and pretend like I can string together professional sports-people words and not just HOLY FUCKING SHIT I LOVE YOU SIDNEY CROSBY!!!! and my usual brand of X-rated hockey heckles.

This should be really interesting, because I’m at work and listening to the game on my phone while, you know, working. So keep checking back for updates, OK?!

7:00PM: Mike Lange just reminded us that it is indeed a hockey night in Pittsburgh, so suck it, non-Pittsburghers.

7:01PM: I am going to make a quick cup of coffee. Hopefully I don’t fall into some stupid work conversation while I’m in the kitchen. Or worse — break the Keurig again.

7:04PM: Orange is my least favorite color.

7:11PM: I went to the kitchen and realized I forgot a K-cup so I had to come back to my office and then go back to the kitchen and LONG STORY SHORT I MISSED THE FIRST GOAL OF THE GAME. AND IT WAS A MALKIN GOAL.

7:12pm: This is significant because I am wearing a Malkin t-shirt right now at work.

7:13PM: Islander douchebag got called for slashing, and not the good Jason Voorhees kind either. What a fuck up!

7:16PM: HOLY FUCKING SHIT I LOVE YOU SIDNEY CROSBY!!!! 2-0 you guys!!

7:20PM: My prom date James Neal is not in the line up tonight but I’d still give him the Prom Night Special.

7:36PM: When they say the goalie stopped the hard slapper in his pads, it makes me think of menstruating girls stopping advancing penises.

7:37PM: I just lost about 25 updates. What you missed: The Islanders scored and all their fans probably listened to Nickelback in celebration and then Crosby scored 18 seconds later because he is the greatest hockey player in the world and that is just what he does. Oh, and I hate Fran Drescher. Unrelated.

7:42PM: Letang hammered it down the ice and every girl in Pittsburgh is left wishing that it was his penis he was hammering into their kookas.

7:46PM: Periods. PPs. Hammering. Squirting [pucks]. 2 minutes for receiving. My future hockey porn is going to be so successful.

7:53PM: Thank god, end of first period. Now I can eat my dinner. (Is that OK, Sandy?)

SECOND PERIOD

8:08PM: I’m trying to eat my Lean Cuisine, but how sad is Tavares that he’s stuck on such a shitty hockey team I mean really.

8:10Pm: Remember when our goalie punched their goalie in the face?

8:11PM: Mike Lange just said something about someone having a dozen something and all I can think about is a dozen cupcakes because I’m on a diet.

8:14PM: YESSS Niskanen is fighting Okposo who is essentially a sewer-dwelling black albino.

8:17PM: Guys really, WTF is this?

8:18PM: Of course the Islanders scored while I was busy finding a picture of this strange albino-hybrid for you, but at least it wasn’t him who scored. Albinos make me sick.

8:22PM: Penguins are on the power play for some unknown reason, woooooo!!! I’m sure it’s because one of the Islanders tried to slit someone’s throat with a hockey stick.

8:27PM: Fuck the Islanders. 3-3

8:29PM: I guess I’m not surprised that the Islanders are playing well. They probably don’t want to get deported to their coach’s secret puppy mill for washed up NHL players.

8:32PM: Don’t albinos have poor eyesight? Or am I confusing them with moles? But albinos are just like human versions of moles, right?

8:34PM: Forgot that my hockey porn will have a “back door” vignette, too. That will probably be Henry’s favorite scene.

8:40PM: Someone got hurt while I was washing my coffee mug. It wasn’t a Penguin though. Thank god.

8:42PM: Double minor what’s up bitches.

8:44PM: There should be an amusement park darkride that takes you on a psychedelic cruise through the last 3 decades of the Islanders’ Stanley Cup-less history. A true Laff In the Dark!

8:47PM: The three Islanders’ goals have mob ties.

End of second period. I’m going home and watching the rest of the game on a real life television. You guys are on your own. Check ESPN or something, I don’t give a fuck.

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