Doing this thing again. As usual, keep checking back for updates if you’re bedridden and have nothing else to do but watch 700 Club reruns.

1:13pm: Just said our sad goodbyes to Bill & Jessi and are headed back home to Pittsburgh. Right before we left their house, I noted that this was the first time we hung out with them without Bill maiming Chooch in some way. Three minutes later, Bill was like “I’ll give you ONE PUSH on the swing but then you have to go, buddy” and then just like that, Chooch fell off the swing. It was perfect timing.

1:50pm: Chooch is already sleeping. We are breakfast with Bill & Jessi this morning at Rocky’s Diner and had an awesome waitress also named Jessi who told us she once went to Pittsburgh for a baseball game. Then there was this old white man at the table next to us, ranting to his female breakfast companions about how it’s ridiculous that women can have their own women-only clubs but god forbid men should try to do that and how unfair it is that if a woman wants in a boys-only club, the boys have to let her in or else it turns into a Thing and it’s just BULLSHIT how much the world has changed to accommodate WOMEN, you guys. Secretly, Henry was probably strongly identifying with this d-bag’s plight.

1:56pm: Chex Mix.

2:33pm: We just drove over a bridge near what Chooch calls “Toll-do.” (Aka Toledo.) I am desperately bored. Chooch is sleeping, Henry and I quit talking to each on Day One, and I have nothing going on my Simpsons: Tapped Out. Help.

3:46pm: Henry is trying to be affectionate and keeps trying to touch me like we’re old flames or something and I’m like “Bro you ignored me for three days! I’ve moved on!” In other news, Soul 4 Real’s “Candy Rain” was on the radio a few minutes ago so that was a nice flashback to when I identified as an urban black girl in high school.

4:07pm: Wow. Daddy Henbucks just treated Chooch and me to Hershey’s ice cream & Starbucks at some crappy rest stop outside of Cleveland. WHAT DID WE DO TO GET SO LUCKY. We walked in and exited behind the same family. I don’t know, that’s all I got. This drive is really mind-numbing and lacks the anticipation and excitement of YAY ROAD TRIP! like we (I) had on Wednesday. The only upside is getting to see Marcy in a few hours! And getting to edit my photos!

5:04pm: Chooch is taking the “What Kind of Cat Are You?” quiz on Buzzfeed for the fifth time.

5:20pm: “It doesn’t matter how much you bitch, it’s still going to take an hour and 13 minutes to get home” – Henry.

5:55pm: Just remembered the rest area we stopped at Friday in Michigan that had so many bugs adhered to the sides of it that they had to post a sign inside with “facts” on what they are. Fish flies, apparently. I’m dry-heaving at the memory of them, holy fuck.

6:18pm: Chooch just caught a glimpse of the Pittsburgh skyline and began to weep.

6:22pm: HOME!! Chooch just said, “Haha, you and Daddy have to work tomorrow.” Ugh, home. :(

So, in conclusion: the ride home is waaaaay less exciting and this post was pretty pointless.

I’m live blogging our drive to Indiana. Keep checking back for updates throughout the day, please and thanks.

8:41am: We’re just about to finally leave the house for our dysfunctional, poorly-planned road trip to Michigan. First though, we’re going to Indiana for an AMUSEMENT PARK because the sun rises and sets on amusement parks. I wanted to have been on the road an hour ago but Henry is an asshole.

9:03am: I hope Henry knows that I’m going to keep being a bitch until he stops and gets me FUCKING COFFEE. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

9:19am: Chooch was awake long enough to get dressed and whine about having to put shoes on.

9:27am: We have to drive through Bunker Hill, IN which is one of the places Henry lived while IN THE SERVICE OMG. I’m so excited about this. I asked him if we could stop & take pictures and then he can blog about it later and he said MAYBE!

Me: “Do you think we can buy post cards there?”

Henry: “Doubt it.”

10:09am: You guys. I just realized we have to drive through Ohio, ugh. Ohio is boring to drive through and Henry is telling me about his dream from last night and that’s boring too. Everything is boring.

10:17am: THOUGHT: What if Henry has CHILDREN in Bunker Hill?!?!?!

11:00am: Suddenly not bitching about being stuck in accident traffic now that I know two people died. :(

11:23am: Still in traffic (and Chooch finally woke up for a minute) so here’s a story for you. Janna came over Saturday night and Chooch downloaded some Guess the Emoji game on her phone. We were all stuck on this one that had a Henry-ish emoji and a book, so my guess was:

News flash, that wasn’t the answer. Chooch told me I’m immature and then did his signature “laugh so hard then puke” maneuver. Unable to figure it out, I had the bright idea to use the “ask Facebook” option, which posted the picture onto JANNA’S profile with the caption “GUYS HELP ME I’M TOO DUMBBBBB” before she had a chance to grab her phone off me. Immediately, two of her friends commented to tell her the answer was, ironically, Facebook. I guess we’re all TOO DUMBBBB.

11:46am: Just stopped at a disgusting rest area in Boring, Ohio and I discovered that there was melted chocolate in the car seat from my Kashi bar and it was all over my shorts so Henry had to clean me up while muttering, “THIS IS WHAT I EXPECT FROM CHOOCH! DO I HAVE TO PUT A SEAT COVER ON THE FRONT SEAT TOO?!” God. Just do your job and STFU.

12:40pm: Here is a convo that just happened as we drove past Columbus:

Henry: I’d like to go to the Columbus zoo someday.
Me: Why.
Henry: Because they have a nice zoo.
Me: How do you know?
Henry: Because they have a nice zoo, OK?
Me: Yeah but how do you know if you’ve never been there?
Henry: Because…THEY JUST HAVE A NICE ZOO.
Me: BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW?????
Henry: *mumbled something about Jack Hanna*

God!!! I’m not doubting him, I just want to know if some “tellyvision program” gave him these ideas or if some derelict from the gutter gave him a pamphlet one day.

12:54pm: Setting good examples for my kid:

Me: Don’t touch my fat arm.
Henry: Maybe you have that body dysmorphic thing. (He just learned about that from Catfish.)
Me: Oh I’ve always known that I have that and it’s just amplified by the fact that I actually am really fat & ugly.”

1:04pm: Here’s a “Henry Left Us in the Car While He Buys Himself Beverage” selfie/groupie.

And then some asshole walked by and stared at us so I yelled “WHY DON’T YOU TAKE A PICTURE IT’LL LAST LONGER” because I have to fulfill my Pee Wee’s Big Adventure quote quota. Meanwhile, Chooch’s retort to Staring Guy was a much more succinct “Bitch!”

1:49pm: Henry finally fed us. We had a rest area picnic. It was OK. There was fruit salad. We are wasting so much time.

2:13pm: Isles & Glaciers came on just as we passed an exit sign for Cincinnati. Thumbs up, universe. You’re cute.

2:50pm: Chooch saw a billboard for Tom Raper RVs and is fixating on the fact that obviously Tom’s parents wanted him to grow up to be a raper and Henry was like “HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS” and Chooch said “Mommy told me” and I was like “I certainly did not!” and Chooch said “Yes you did, when you made me watch the ‘He’s climbing in yo’ window’ video!” and I said “I never made you watch that!” and he said “What, do you think I just tumbled down the steps, watching it on my phone?” and then we both cracked up and I choked on a fruit snack and Henry said “Thanks, Erin.”

4:28pm: Just was struck with the crippling desire to listen to Howard Hewett’s “This Love Is Forever,” which comes with the story about the time in 10th grade when my friend Christy and I were dog-sitting for my aunt Susie on New Year’s Eve. I had recently been dumped my OMGTRULUV Justin Kail, so aside from accidentally knocking over Susie’s Christmas tree, all I remember happening that night was the house being papered with instructional Post-It notes from Susie and my then-uncle Mark and me listening to this song on repeat while crying and Christy being utterly annoyed. I just told Henry this story and he was like “Yes, I know. Pretttttttty sure I’ve heard this one” but sorry, it’s mandatory. Then I performed a full-body lip synch of the song’s crescendo which Henry really enjoys while he’s trying to drive.

Oh and about the Christmas tree. Don’t worry, Christy and I left a Post-It note that said “We knocked over your Xmas tree” before we left the next day.

CHRISTY DO YOU REMEMBER THIS.

5:00pm: In Kokomo now, Henry is lost. Listening to a yacht rock Spotify station to drown out my incessantly chirping kid from the backseat.

5:34pm: AHHH IT HAPPENED! We just drove through Bunker Hill! I asked Henry how it made him feel and he said, “With you with me? Angry.”

This will be its own blog post!

6:37pm: We almost walked into some diner in Logansport, IN (that’s where we’re staying tonight) but I said, “No. I have a bad feeling about this place. Lets go to that Mr. Happy Burger joint we just passed.” Henry was all bothered but BY GEORGE it was the best decision ever because Mr. Happy Burger is practically a make believe fast food restaurant created for a bad 80s comedy. I am OBSESSED.

And they had grilled cheese! And Henry didn’t smile once!

7:40pm: We’re in our hotel room in Logansport and Chooch has been reading out loud from the bible for the last fifteen minutes, pausing to offer his own personal asides, like after the part that said “and there will be no more pain,” he said, “YEAH RIGHT. OW!” Because he’s been complaining all day about a cut on his foot. He said the word “profitable” like a pro and then pronounced “testimonies” as “tes-TIM-onies.” He ended by saying, “That’s all for today. Stay tuned.” And then burst into flames.

I’ll post a video later. I unfortunately wasn’t able to capture him doing his “fabulous angel” voice, though.

8:03pm: Mr. Happy Burger has another location near our hotel that has a sundae parlor! Obviously, I’m sitting inside of it right now.

9:16pm: Back from a tour of dilapidated Logansport and Chooch lost our room key. Sweating in the stinky Quality Inn hallway while Mad Henry goes to the front desk. He is so over us.

9:26pm: Henry just paid $10 for a new room key.

Earlier, we went for a short walk in Riverview Park and I dryheaved over the stagnant river as we walked across a bridge. Then a bunch of preteens in bathing suits ran past us, screaming about going swimming. “Wait—are they swimming in THAT?” I asked Henry, pointing to the bug invested water.

“I mean, probably. This is a pretty backwoods area.”

“DISGUSTING THINGS ARE GOING TO SWIM UP THEIR KOOKAS! UGH, THEY ARE SO FUCKED!” —literally!!!!

Oh well. Thank god for Mr.Happy Burger. Or Hap’s, for those in the know.

11:04pm: OMG it’s thunderstorming so bad and Chooch and I are convinced that we’re going to die in a tornado. Henry is so exasperated and keeps yelling, “THIS IS JUST A NORMAL STORM CLOSE THE CURTAINS GO TO BED SHUT UP” and I’m like “WHAT IF THE LIGHTNING COMES THRU THE WINDOWWWW?” This is probably my last update since a giant lightning hand is going to pick me up and carry me off into the Stormlands. OMG I’m so scared.

8:00am: I asked Henry if I should live blog on the way home
and he said no, that’s dumb. So I’m going to do it, obviously,
because fuck Henry.

8:10am: Hotel breakfast stresses me out because
I hate doing things!! I saw Henry had scrambled eggs and I was
like, “There are eggs?! I don’t know how to get them” so Henry got
me some scrambled eggs. It’s a miracle I was able to operate the
cereal dispenser.

8:43am: Henry tripped on the way out of the
breakfast room and then tried to deny it.

9:18am: OMGOMG I forgot
to mention that last night when we were at that stupid brewery
place that didn’t have apricot coriander beer or anything else I
wanted to I had to get a cucumber basil martini and I hated our
waitress, Henry very quietly said, “I liked the third band that
played.” OMG HENRY LIKES MISS FORTUNE PASS IT ON!! “Why didn’t you
tell them?!” I cried. “The singer was standing right in front of
you during Slaves!” But he just made up some excuse about how he
can’t talk to guys that cool.

10:21am: Kill me.

10:38am: I guess I’m not allowed to go into Sheetz
with Henry. That’s OK, I’ll just sit in the car like the dog that I
am. :( Could have at least rolled down a window for me though.

11:02am: FINALLY MY QUEST TO HAVE A BOSOM FRIEND IS OVER!!

11:13am: Just talked to Chooch! It went like this:
Me: Guess what I don’t like Jonny Craig anymore.
Chooch: Good. He’s stupid, obviously.
Me: I didn’t even clap for him.
Chooch: OK great.
He’s not much of a phone talker. Or a believer in enthusiasm.

12:23pm: I’ve had to pee for the last hour but my controlling boyfriend won’t stop anywhere. Also, pissed that the fucking spider died in Charlotte’s Web. Still dwelling after 30 years.

12:26pm: Just passed a billboard for a window company and it reminded me of this one time when Christina and I weren’t friends, maybe the 7th time, and she was obsessed with her job at Gilkey Windows, so I would tweet about how Pella Windows were the bomb and even tweeted a picture of a Pella window display at Home Depot because I KNEW IT WOULD UPSET HER. DUMB WINDOW WHORE.

12:35pm: Henry just yelled KEEP IT UP, FUCKER to me and no, it was not in a hot, porn-y context.

1:49pm: Drove around Altoona looking for somewhere to eat lunch which of course culminated into a huge fight & break-up so finally Henry stopped at a Sheetz to get snacks after I berated him for being a joke of a man who doesn’t think to buy SNACKS WHEN GOING ON A ROAD TRIP, and then I made the blah blah motion with my hand to him as he walked past the car, which really endeared me to him, surely. We made eye contact when he came back out of Sheetz and he started laughing because who can stay mad at my adorable face other than my mom, Henry’s ex, Christine Haney, Christina, that vapid cow Seri, Gay Ryan, those two cockbags from Canada? (I’m sure I’m forgetting at least a dozen assholes here.) Then I bit into the Lara bar he bought me and my jaw actually ached since it had been HOURS since it had to chew anything. Fuck you, Henry.

2:30pm: Henry finally decided to stop and feed me, when we’re like an hour away from home. Not even hungry anymore.

2:44pm: Henry just spilled coleslaw on his shirt and he knew exactly why I picked my phone up (to blog about it, obv) and said, “Really?” YEAH REALLY. ASSHOLE WITH A COLESLAW STAIN.

2:55pm: I ate this without making a mess.

Dean’s Diner. Horrible waitress. Dean, check yo’ staff.

4:33pm: Dear blog, we got home about 30 minutes ago and Marcy was pretty ambivalent about our return. Then we remembered we have a child so Henry left again to go retrieve him. I want an ice cream cone with sprinkles. Thanks for reading this nonsense. Fuck you, Jonny Craig.

It’s 10:32am and we just dropped Chooch off at his Aunt Kelly’s and are officially en route to Allentown for the Hands Like Houses/Slaves show. Except that I threw about 18 fits this morning because I didn’t have anything to wear so then Henry was trying to pick things out for me and by that I mean he was trying to make me wear things that make me feel fat because he’s a motherfucker!! Who does that?! And then he was like here wear this purple shirt, you wear this purple shirt a lot. NO I DON’T! But whatever, I put it on. I’m live blogging this because probably we’re going to fight again soon and I’ll have no one to talk to. Just you, Blog.

10:35: SHEETZ. Henry is finally going to feed me.

10:46: Sheetz is the worst on Memorial Day weekend, UGH!! It was so crowded and I panicked because I’m wearing a fatsuit that Henry picked out for me and I just wanted to be done in there so I grabbed a PB&J from the cooler even though that’s not what I wanted and I’m mad!! I hope Henry chokes on his Slim Jims. Motherfucker.

Before we dropped Chooch off, we drove past a church and Chooch decided to make up a prayer that started with “For the love of kittens in London and Taiwan.”

11:10am: After great deliberation (with himself), Henry has decided to just go ahead and use the EZ Pass that comes with the rental car. Wow. What a monumental occasion. I’m so glad it happened on a day I decided to live blog. LIVE IT UP, HENHEN.

11:17am: Just passed a truck crashed into the barrier on the opposite side of the road so Henry was all, “I HAVE TO WARN ONCOMING TRAFFIC!” so he started flashing his lights and then he saw an eighteen wheeler and said, “OH I WILL DEFINITELY HAVE TO WARN THIS TRUCK! HE WILL NEED TIME TO SLOW DOWN!” He’s so proud of himself. Get this motherfucker a badge.

OH, HE WENT FOR IT:

12:19pm: Stopped to pee a few minutes ago and Henry tried to hold my hand (when we were walking into the rest area, not while I was peeing). Then I had to go and accidentally look at myself in the bathroom mirrors and just ugh, thanks for ruining my life Henry!! Came back out after some ginger bitch kept being in my way and Henry had a bag of Auntie Anne’s pretzel bites as if I’m not already engorged enough! UGH!!

12:21pm: OK I feel a little better but I need more coffee ASAP. And Henry keeps pointing at dumb things out the window. GO FUCK YOURSELF AND YOUR STUPID SCENERY!!! Maybe I’m not actually feeling any better, n/m.

12:38pm: Just screamed at Henry to not hit the hawk flying up ahead of us and he yelled, “It’s flying 15 feet above us! I’d have to make the car jump to hit it!” UGH STFU HENRY GO CONFUSE A DICK FOR AN AUNTIE ANNE’S PRETZEL BITE WHY DON’T YOU!!!

12:44pm: According to Henry, I’m “lucky” to have him because “any other guy” would have left me at home after I threw my “tantrum.” OH OK.

1:19pm:

Fun fact! I had to buy this album three times because I kept playing it to the point of no return. Also, we stopped several minutes ago so I could get an iced macchiato at Starbucks but Henry loudly said, “I’m going to a real store to get a drink” and then walked defiantly across the rest stop to the A-Plus convenience store. You sure showed all of us coffee drinkers, Henry.

1:52pm: UGHHHHHH!!!!

2:10pm: We’re at this diner in Carlisle, PA. They only like me here, not Henry.

2:14pm: HENRY JUST SCRATCHED HIS ‘STACHE:

2:34pm: Henry had to reorganize my veggie burger and then cut it for me because feeding myself is hard. :( I had ketchup everywhere and I was so scared.

3:40pm: How are we not there yet, ugh. I only have so many things to say to Henry, and it’s mostly “shut up” in a variety of tones and volumes.

4:04pm: Oh look there’s our hotel but Dum-Dum Henry can’t figure out how to get there. Also, Allentown is a shit hole. (Actually, I haven’t seen any of it but I’m really good at prejudging.)

4:24pm: At the Ramada Inn. I asked Henry for a quote and he mumbled, “glad to be here. Stoked” but for some reason I think he’s being sarcastic.

4:38: Aaaaaaand, panic attack.

5:00: Going to die now. BBL as a ghost.

5:53pm: After talking me down from a cliff, we’re inside the Croc Rock which is a total dump & full of disgusting women-hating bros and underaged girls thirsty for Jonny Craig. Also, the ceiling is leaking and it smells like piss. Fuck you, Allentown. At least Hands Like Houses are here.

We just saw the guy from Hands Like Houses who looks like a young Tim Curry to me, ughhhh. Even Henry just calls him “Tim Curry” now. “Look here comes Tim Curry,” Henry said the first time we got here right before I cried, “I CAN’T DO THIS LETS JUST GO WAHHH” so we sat in the car and he patted my knee until I was OK. But you guys knew I had issues.

6:25pm: Girl next to me just said, “Is it just me or does it smell like cat piss in here?” And I’m like YES but then WAIT WHAT IF IT’S ME?

6:45pm: Alive Like Me asked who’s excited for Slaves and I did not cheer. Because fuck you JC no I love you NO I HATE YOU! AHHHHHHGGGHHH. Someone give me a mallet.

6:52pm: I’m always waiting for bands to say PUT YOUR MEAT CLEAVERS IN THE AIR, MOTHERFUCKERS! because I’m READY. But they never do. It’s always just “hands” :(

7:33pm: King Shit must be about ready to take the stage because every thirsty chick in this room just spontaneously released pheromone. I just want to puke though.

8:02pm: I HATE YOU I LOVE YOU I HATE YOU I LOVE YOU UGHHHH.

8:33pm: Shucks y’all that was a pretty big mistake.

9:35pm: I’m glad that was an early show because I’m starving and want alcohol (no bar at that venue, WTFFFF??). Totally stressed out and Henry is driving in circles looking for a secret bar that has apricot coriander beer. When we left, we walked past a pizza place where King Shit was eating with his rebound girl, ugh it made me sick. I just can’t with him anymore.

9:45pm: Professional Driver HenHen found the Allentown Brew Works but lied about the apricot beer. At least the hockey game is on.

10:03pm: Henry doesn’t like champagne.

10:30pm: I hate our waitress so much and Henry is like in love with her. And no that’s not even why I hate her. I just had a martini because this asshole place didn’t have that stupid apricot beer and that’s all I wanted I hate my life today was SO DUMB. FUCK YOU.

10:34pm: so I guess me (Henry) has to post . As of now I have nothing to say, except its been a helluva day.

11:02pm: Me: “I’m taking down all of my Jonny Craig pictures in my office on Tuesday.” Henry: “OK.”

Per my friend Sandy’s request, I am going to live-blog Game 2 of the Penguins/Islanders 1st round playoff matchup thing and pretend like I can string together professional sports-people words and not just HOLY FUCKING SHIT I LOVE YOU SIDNEY CROSBY!!!! and my usual brand of X-rated hockey heckles.

This should be really interesting, because I’m at work and listening to the game on my phone while, you know, working. So keep checking back for updates, OK?!

7:00PM: Mike Lange just reminded us that it is indeed a hockey night in Pittsburgh, so suck it, non-Pittsburghers.

7:01PM: I am going to make a quick cup of coffee. Hopefully I don’t fall into some stupid work conversation while I’m in the kitchen. Or worse — break the Keurig again.

7:04PM: Orange is my least favorite color.

7:11PM: I went to the kitchen and realized I forgot a K-cup so I had to come back to my office and then go back to the kitchen and LONG STORY SHORT I MISSED THE FIRST GOAL OF THE GAME. AND IT WAS A MALKIN GOAL.

7:12pm: This is significant because I am wearing a Malkin t-shirt right now at work.

7:13PM: Islander douchebag got called for slashing, and not the good Jason Voorhees kind either. What a fuck up!

7:16PM: HOLY FUCKING SHIT I LOVE YOU SIDNEY CROSBY!!!! 2-0 you guys!!

7:20PM: My prom date James Neal is not in the line up tonight but I’d still give him the Prom Night Special.

7:36PM: When they say the goalie stopped the hard slapper in his pads, it makes me think of menstruating girls stopping advancing penises.

7:37PM: I just lost about 25 updates. What you missed: The Islanders scored and all their fans probably listened to Nickelback in celebration and then Crosby scored 18 seconds later because he is the greatest hockey player in the world and that is just what he does. Oh, and I hate Fran Drescher. Unrelated.

7:42PM: Letang hammered it down the ice and every girl in Pittsburgh is left wishing that it was his penis he was hammering into their kookas.

7:46PM: Periods. PPs. Hammering. Squirting [pucks]. 2 minutes for receiving. My future hockey porn is going to be so successful.

7:53PM: Thank god, end of first period. Now I can eat my dinner. (Is that OK, Sandy?)

SECOND PERIOD

8:08PM: I’m trying to eat my Lean Cuisine, but how sad is Tavares that he’s stuck on such a shitty hockey team I mean really.

8:10Pm: Remember when our goalie punched their goalie in the face?

8:11PM: Mike Lange just said something about someone having a dozen something and all I can think about is a dozen cupcakes because I’m on a diet.

8:14PM: YESSS Niskanen is fighting Okposo who is essentially a sewer-dwelling black albino.

8:17PM: Guys really, WTF is this?

8:18PM: Of course the Islanders scored while I was busy finding a picture of this strange albino-hybrid for you, but at least it wasn’t him who scored. Albinos make me sick.

8:22PM: Penguins are on the power play for some unknown reason, woooooo!!! I’m sure it’s because one of the Islanders tried to slit someone’s throat with a hockey stick.

8:27PM: Fuck the Islanders. 3-3

8:29PM: I guess I’m not surprised that the Islanders are playing well. They probably don’t want to get deported to their coach’s secret puppy mill for washed up NHL players.

8:32PM: Don’t albinos have poor eyesight? Or am I confusing them with moles? But albinos are just like human versions of moles, right?

8:34PM: Forgot that my hockey porn will have a “back door” vignette, too. That will probably be Henry’s favorite scene.

8:40PM: Someone got hurt while I was washing my coffee mug. It wasn’t a Penguin though. Thank god.

8:42PM: Double minor what’s up bitches.

8:44PM: There should be an amusement park darkride that takes you on a psychedelic cruise through the last 3 decades of the Islanders’ Stanley Cup-less history. A true Laff In the Dark!

8:47PM: The three Islanders’ goals have mob ties.

End of second period. I’m going home and watching the rest of the game on a real life television. You guys are on your own. Check ESPN or something, I don’t give a fuck.