Today was decidedly much better than yesterday even though I woke up on the exact same side of the bed so who even knows.

It started with good Anthony Green coffee, which Henry didn’t serve me in the intended cup it came with but don’t worry because I yelled at him to get back into the kitchen and make that right.
 

While I drank my Anthony Green coffee, Henry and I watched a documentary about Missy Franklin and Kara Lynn Joyce and I cried all my makeup off. (I’m not over the Olympics, wah.)

Then, after fixing my makeup, I had a reunion-type lunch with my friend Spring, who was a great friend of mine growing up but we lost touch after high school. Catching up with her gave me life!

Later in the afternoon, I collected Henry and Chooch and we went TO THE MALL which is always depressing because this is 2016 and I’m in a mall, but also because it looks like the zombie apocalypse every time we go there: more weeds sprouting through the cracks in the unused parking lot, more stores closed – scratch that, ENTIRE WINGS closed, and obviously barely any other human beings in sight.

But, there’s a Journeys there and we needed to get Chooch new shoes for school (tomorrow is the first day!).

“I hope SAM is there,” I said obsessively, which would have sounded more appropriate if I had braces too.

“Who’s Sam?” Henry asked, and I got really angry that he didn’t know.

“THE MANAGER AT JOURNEYS WHO LIKES DANCE GAVIN DANCE!” I cried. Ugh, try to keep up, Henry.

Anyway, Sam was there! I tried to play it cool and decided to just go my standard route of trying to blend into Henry’s non-descript shirt and not say a word.

“I like your shoes,” Sam said of my pink TOMS.

“THANKS YOU SOLD THEM TO ME,” I said, robotically probably. (BRB, It’s Britney Bitch is performing on the VMAs right now and I already sat through 79898 Beyoncé songs waiting for this.)

“I remember…Dance Gavin Dance, right?”

Henry’s eyes had rolled so far into his head that he was looking back into his SERVICE DAYS.

I was fanning my heart though because MUSIC CONNECTIONS are the best connections for me.

Meanwhile, Chooch’s wide ass cinder block Barney Rubble feet couldn’t find anything to squeeze into. I had suddenly become Cinderella’s stepmother and was trying to force him into being OK with the Vans hightops currently making him wince, but Henry stepped in and declared it a miserable fail and said we would have to go somewhere else that had a bigger kid selection, so we didn’t get to give Sam a sale and I was SO ANGRY.

I should have just bought myself a pair of shoes. I’m so dumb.

And then came ice cream, and my fat ass DGAF that it was twice in one weekend because it was so fucking hot out and I NEEDED IT.

Henry’s akimbo for that ice cream bimbo.

Came home and painted a ham sandwich because bitch I said I would.

“Mama Cass Vibes.” I told Henry to hang it up but it’s mysteriously still sitting on the coffee table so I’m not sure if he’s leaving me a message or what.

I’ve been drinking this Clown Shoes beer for literally three hours while watching the VMAs. I can’t chug that shit like I can chug wine, y’all.

These VMAs are such a fucking parody, I can’t stand it.

This whole day was soundtracked by the new Carly Rae Jepsen “Side B” bonus record that was released on Friday. My god, it’s pastel-tinged 1980s vibes.

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I honestly don’t know how she is, but she makes the most perfect 80s pop and there are days when I think back to seeing her last winter and I just start crying because I love her so much — don’t ever change, CRJ!

And now Sunday is nearly over, and I have way less brain cells thanks to the VMAs. Thanks, MTV! At least I got to see Michael Phelps!

ETA: the VMAs managed to end on a high note. I love Rihanna so much and Drake made it through traffic in time to present her with the Vanguard award and I really thought he was going to PROPOSE. C’MON DRAKE!!

Boy, guys, was this Friday OFF THE CHAIN!

I mean, OFF THE HOOK!

I mean…it was really OFF ITS ROCKER.

First, the work day was shaping up to be preettttty fucking dull. But suddenly! Sue sent an email to the whole office:

Something about PEPPERS, REALLY HOT PEPPERS being up for grabs on the table by the kitchen.

At that moment, I caught a glimpse of Glenn in my periphery, rising from his desk and disappearing in the direction of the kitchen.

I turned around and asked Todd, “OMG do you think Glenn is going to get pepper?! He got up awfully fast!”

“I thought so too at first,” Todd said, “but then I realized that the timing wasn’t right. He was already standing up whenever the email came in.” And then, “He doesn’t even get up that fast for cake.”

“Dammit, that’s true” I said, really hoping that Glenn was really in a huge rush to have first dibs on the HOT, REALLY HOT PEPPERS, imagining him body checking Terry out of the way, reigniting their feud from last summer.

“Did Glenn go to get some of those peppers?” Lauren asked from her desk in front of me.

“Apparently not, but we’re trying to cause speculation,” I admitted.

And then word finally traveled down to Amber2, who rose from her seat and called out to us, “Did Glenn get up for the peppers?”

This was A HUGE DEAL. WILL GLENN PEPPER OR NOT PEPPER?! Only time will tell.

Talk about scintillating ‘zine fodder!

“You guys, what an exciting Friday!” I laughed, and then we all giddily waited to see if Glenn would, in fact, come back with peppers.

AND OH LORD ALMIGHTY, HE DID!

He had one small red pepper in hand and we all fucking DIED.

He looked confused at first but then quickly wrote it off because he’s used to this hootenanny by now.

Then he put the pepper on my desk and everyone was starting to gather around and I was like, “Guys, I’m not eating this.”

And then that was that.

***

After work, Henry, Chooch, Judy and I met my mom and Corey at Bob Evans for dinner where we had a waitress who said “thank you” constantly and Chooch basked in the fact that his novelty has not yet worn off for my mom and she giggles at every idiotic thing he does.

HIS SCHTICK WILL GET OLD EVENTUALLY. TRUST.

Anyway, I put on the new Carly Rae Jepsen “B-Side” release and Judy screamed from the front seat, “WHO IS THIS, ERIN. OH. WELL, SHE CAN SING.”

CRJ, you’ve got Jude’s official seal of approval.

Meanwhile, at Bob Evan’s, they were out of chicken pot pie and Corey was SO SAD and Chooch acted like he never buttered a biscuit before and before he even ate the bitchin’ thing, the table looked like a biscuit battlefield and Henry frowned, wondering where he went wrong, living in a house with not one but TWO people who don’t understand how to properly use a butterknife.

Halfway through dinner, we all became aware of a fly that was buzzing around our table. When the waitress brought us the check, Judy gruffly asked, “You gonna give us a discount for that fly?!” The waitress just nervously laughed and apologized, but Judy wasn’t done talking about this.

“This place ain’t open 24 hours, so they should, you know, what d’ya call it….fumigate? They should do that when they close.”

“Yeah, maybe hang some fly strips,” Corey said and we all started cracking up but Judy seemed on board with that idea.

I’m pretty sure Henry has taken me to “restaurants” with fly strips hanging around, all appetizing and sanitary.

During one of our waitress’s last visits to our table, Judy suggested, “And you should tell them to do something about this broccoli. Terrible.”

If I hadn’t been so giddy to begin with, I might have tried to climb inside Henry’s frown and hide.

After dinner, we went to Target, where Judy screamed across an aisle, “WILL YOU BUY ME BENGAY??” and then held up a sheer blouse I was buying and asked, “Will you wear something under this or no?”

Well, I’m not wearing it to the Moulin Rouge, so….

And then Mat Kerekes solo album was released today, and it’s a real gift of sound: 

Anyway, today was pretty good when you add up all the moments.

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This week has been whack like crack* so let’s unwind with a video.

*(Except for Tuesday! Tuesday was the shit because Chooch and I went to Kennywood but today’s not the day for that because I’m lucky I can spell my name correctly right now.)

What you’re about to see (or hear, rather) happened last month and I think it’s safe to say that it was the highlight of the summer as far as Neighborhood Happenings go. Maybe tied with that lame church festival across the street.

Let me set the scene: I was home alone on a Saturday when I heard a loud, gutteral barking. It was a man’s angry voice, one that I had never heard before – it wasn’t Tourette’s, and it wasn’t Larry bitching about having Pokemon cards stolen.

And then it dawned on me – it was HOT NAYBOR CHRIS. I couldn’t believe it. In the too-many-years we have lived next door, I have not once heard that poor man raise his voice.

Then I heard another gutteral barking, which I recognized immediately as his wife-thing’s loud Yinzer throat-scrape. Look, I have heard her gone berserk plenty of times over the years, but this one sounded so sinister that my legs were actually shaking, kind of, and I didn’t want to get busted, so please enjoy the view of the few succulents my asshole cats have not killed yet, on account of them being too afraid of the kitchen sink.

Some things to note:

• The other male voice (the one accusing her of sexual harassment) belongs to the guy who lives on the other side of them, He was in the garage working on his car which is evidently another thing that Wife Thing hates.
• I think the catalyst to this argument was that HNC was washing his car and “oil was draining down the sidewalk” and DON’T YOU KNOW THE GRANDKIDS PLAY OUT HERE.
• I can’t figure out what she’s saying about the car parked in the driveway and “your little wifey….”
• SERIOUSLY HOW MANY TIMES DOES SHE SAY BULLSHIT?! I’ll send a prize to the first person who gives me the correct amount.
  • It probably won’t be a great prize though.
• This is the first time I’ve heard HNC fight back. Usually she goes off on her daughters and he just sits in the basement, huge headphones over his ears, solemnly playing his electric drums.
• Henry’s mom is scared of HNC for some reason and won’t talk to him unless Wife Thing is there too which is strange to me because I never got any rapey vibes from him.
• At one point, I considered calling the police.
• This was literally days after she had been screaming at Chooch over the sidewalk lights, and I was terrified of him coming home from the  neighbor kid’s house and encountering her after this, so when he finally came back home, I pulled him in the house, led him upstairs away from all the windows and hoarsely whispered, “STAY OUT OF THEIR YARD TODAY BC SHE MIGHT ACTUALLY CAPTURE YOU AND STUFF YOU INTO AN OVEN. THIS IS NOT A GOOD DAY. IF YOU WANT TO GO TO MARKIE’S, DO NOT WALK THROUGH HER YARD, CROSS THE STREET AND GO AROUND THE BLOCK IF YOU HAVE TO, I DON’T EVEN KNOW.”
• After the fight fizzled out, HNC and the neighbor guy went back to quietly working on their cars. Every once in a while, I’d hear the metallic sound of a tool hitting the cement, but it was clear that they were not ever, ever ever ever, never ever going to speak of what they had just endured.
• This is my brother Corey’s favorite video and he listens to it when he’s having a bad day.

I don’t know, it maybe wasn’t as exciting as when that drunk guy got concussed in front of my house two summers ago or the time Henry got to be a HIT&RUN HERO, but it was still pretty lit…fam.

In a bizarre turn of events, I think HENRY has a crush on ME now*?! He randomly showed up downtown to visit me on my lunch break and it felt really scandalous for some reason, like I was part of an illegal beverage deal? I kept tossing shifty glances all around me until finally I cracked and shouted, “OK THIS IS WEIRD GOODBYE” and I went back inside my dumb work-tower. 

Henry was also sending me totally clingy texts all day too so he either took some estrogen up the ass or he’s cheating on me and is overcome with The Guilt. 

Gotta go. Judy is trying to tell me things about America’s Got Talent. “SHE USED TO BE A MAN! I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT. NOW SHE’S A COMEDIAN. SHES FROM FLORIDA” and then some guy sang “In the Air Tonight” and Judy doesn’t understand why all the judges love him. “He just came out of a depression or something, I don’t know what bis story is.”

*(I had a crush on him last week. Our crush cycles never align.)

This last weekend was relatively boring, which I guess is what can happen when you purposely decide to make zero plans. 

Just watched a bunch of Olympics and then straight up cried my eyes out last night during the closing ceremonies. I won the gold medal in denial. (Monica said that’s because I didn’t have to go up against that Linda Lasky and she’s totally on point with that assessment!)

Other than that, we drove around aimlessly through South Park on Saturday looking for decent pavilions for the upcoming pie party because I apparently chose a really popular day and both of our go-to pavilions were already rented, along with 85% of the other ones. 

Don’t worry, we found one. 

Then later we went to Loving Hut for some meatless buffet action and Henry is now suddenly an expert at soy-based foodstuffs. 

Sunday was YARD WORK day at the Gillcrest which really only affects Henry. Don’t worry – he likes it. He gets to talk to deer and turkey and look up into the sky at random birds. 

I feel like we also ate a lot of cookies all weekend too and then I wonder why I gained a pound. 

Anyway, here are some pictures. 

Chooch had this shirt screenprinted at Warped Tour. Don’t worry – he knows he can’t wear it to school, God. 

The theme of this year’s pie party is “exotic.” One of my old high school friends asked if it’s family friendly and I was like “Pffft why wouldn’t it be” and then remembered the Facebook event page’s cover picture is a pie that says whore, so….

I ate one of these because fuck the patriarchy. Henry was so smug when he bought them, too. 

I’ve had snapchat since its inception and never bothered with it until one day when it occurred to me that waaaaaait a minute, this is just another platform on which to harrass Henry. Duh. 

Chooch is coming around to the idea that there is a new Corgi puppy where Maverick used to be. :(

This fucker. 

Chooch got a free cat cookie over the weekend and still cried about life. Biggest whiner ever. 

On that note, it’s Monday morning and I’ve got my own shit to whine about to all of the lucky people here at work so ciao for now!

Watching Olympic rhythmic gymnastics this morning and it will never not remind me of Get In Shape, Girl, the pastel “fitness” kits for girl-kids in the 80s. I had several of them but the ribbon one was by far my favorite. 

If I had known back then that this was an actual Olympic sport, maybe I would have kept it up. I was so good at twirling that shit! All I needed to learn was rhythm, grace, teamwork, and you know, actual gymnastics. Instead I just got fat. Oh well. 

Gilbert was adopted yesterday afternoon after years of living in my art orphanage. His story is below. (This was back when I used to sell monster paintings as a way of tricking people into buying my short stories, HAHAHA-ugh.)

************

There was something about the way the sunset ensconced Gilbert’s head in a fiery halo that made Maryannsuellen think of the stained glass in her church, and how she was always afraid that the colored panes would come crashing down around her; the crudely created depiction of The Crucifixion vivisecting her, unfurling her skin into flesh ribbons which the paramedics would likely chuck out the back of the ambulance for sport as they barrelled past Feck Farm, leaving the local pigs to feed on skin suey. 
Maryannsuellen gave a little chest pop to ping the paranoia pressure away and hugged Gilbert a little tighter, a bit more desperate than she tended to embrace someone. Just in case.
Gilbert scraped her from himself and laughed nervously. “Maryannsuellen, please.” With one last uncomfortable chuckle, Gilbert saw himself out of Maryannsuellen’s brownstone and began his walk home.

A Newport hanging from his bottom lip, and a cowlick in his bangs, Gilbert rummaged in his slacks for his lighter. Realizing he must have left it on Maryannsuellen’s night stand after their post-coital smoke (which he mostly partook in to combat the awful glaze of funk she left on his tongue), Gilbert made an impromptu stop at Calvin’s Corner Club for Cheap Crap. He didn’t typically patronize this particular store of convenience, as it was located at a crossroads known for amateur ninja violence. He saw it on the news nearly every night. But he really wanted a cigarette, and also to possibly see what kind of naughty rags they had behind the counter.

So Gilbert really shouldn’t have been surprised when, getting no further than the threshhold of the store, his carotid artery was stabbed by a Kohga ninja throwing star.

The next morning, Maryannsuellen read about Gilbert’s murder in the paper. She was still sobbing in her grits hours later when her cat began rubbing against her ankles, a hint that he would like to be eating his lunch now, please.

Snapping out of it, Maryannsuellen’s gaze lifted from her now-congealed grits to the scratched Zippo laying on the crest of piled porno rags from Calvin’s and the bills for her oxygen tank.

She picked it up, twirled it around between her thumb and forefinger and ran a ragged fingernail along the etchings left by too many meetings with the asphalt. “At least I’ll always have this small part of him,” Maryannsuellen said fondly of the stranger she brought home the previous afternoon from the furry convention. And the impatient beckoning of her 3 o’clock john distracted her from any more thoughts about Gilbert.

I’m so mad about this that now I can’t sleep so I woke Henry up to yell at him about it and he’s like “ok wow” & is sleeping again already while my eyelids are being propped open by STICKS OF RAGE. I’M GOING TO WRITE A LETTER.

What makes me feel even more sad for humanity is that if you replaced the Victorian aspect with  “for arriving with their same-sex partner” or “for looking Muslim,” it would seem almost less shocking because we’re “used” to hearing about that type of discrimination and that’s just fucked up that this is where we are as a society. (This is not to say that being “used” to those types of headlines evokes any less anger because BELIEVE ME BROTHER, it doesn’t.) Life is too short to make people feel like shit for being themselves. I hate that it’s 2016 and this is a real thing that happened. Seems so dumb. Everything is so dumb. 

These people are beautiful and they can come to my garden any day, but just please call first so I can make a garden real quick out of paper plates, construction paper, and Henry’s underwear.   

Sorry for THREE POSTS IN A DAY, what is this–LiveJournal? No, this is mania. 

This will be my last viewing party with Judy, so sad. I don’t really care about anything that’s on but I’m watching anyway because there’s nothing else on. 

• Henry’s sitting on the floor like the dog he is, eating an Air Head. Stay cool, bro.
• We’re watching the three American runners get their medals and Judy screamed maniacally, “I WONDER WHAT TRUMP THINKS ABOUT THIS?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” ??????????
• Henry’s talking about the Olympic medalists having to pay taxes and Judy is all THATS RIDICULOUS and I’m like SNORE. ZZZ.  
• Someone’s daughter was on Price is Right and had to pay taxes. 
• Taxes.
• More taxes. 
• I just asked Judy what she thinks about Ryan Lochte’s latest controversy and she got real somber. “How ’bout that! Ain’t that something? ……why would he do that? All them robberies n’at they have over there and they have to add to it? What a disgrace to the United States.” Henry interjected a bunch of HEARSAY in there too like he’s some kind of third rate Matt Lauer or something God go to bed Henry.
• Henry just asked what the decathlon is?! I was like “it’s when they do 10 different things, asshole. THAT’S WHAT DECA MEANS.” God, forget about going to bed. Go back to school. 
• Omg Judy is giving herself a hernia with all her pole vaulting exclamations. And then in a calm voice, she said “Nice looking man.” He was ok. 
• “I wouldn’t have gotten it that far,” she said as a javelin was thrown.
• Judy is all over Ashton Eaton right now. Phelps is but a memory. 
• “Oh I love this commercial. My favorite commercial.” It’s the “Make America Great Again?” commercial where Trump is on Letterman being exposed for having his clothing line made in China. “OH ID LIKE TO SMACK HIM.”
• Judy’s concerned because the men are milling about before the 1500m portion of the deca and no one is talking to each other. “why don’t they TALK to each other?!” 
• Henry’s doing math. I’m so bored. This night is boring. I miss swimming. :(
• They just called Ashton Eaton a walking talking action hero like WOW he doesn’t seem that great to me. 
• “is it cold there?” Judy just asked and Henry is like ARE YOU DUMB, NO. 
• “That’s as fast as they’re allowed to go???” Judy cried and Henry said no they can go as fast as they want. “well they’re NOT going VERY FAST. Oh give me a break, people! I thought they were just WARMING UP!” She is so disappointed. 
• I asked if Eaton won and Judy just yelled at me for not knowing. “YEAH!” God sorry Judy. What an anticlimactic win. 
• OH SHIT I JUST REALIZED ASHTON EATON IS THE GUY IN THAT BEST BUY “First!” COMMERCIAL NEVER MIND I LIKE HIM. 

• Judy made an “ew, ugh, gross” noise like she saw a spider and then threw down the advertisement she was reading about Trump. Whoever thought Henry’s mom and I would ever have things in common?!
• Too much milling about in between races so Judy is distracting herself with a magazine. She just yelled DO YOU LIKE THESE???ANIMAL PRINTS?! and held up a page of workout clothes. I gave her a noncommital “sure” and she pointed to the ones she liked, some wild looking leggings. Maybe that’s what she’ll wear when she outruns those slow-ass decathlon 1500m runners. 
• Judy critized this Dalilah Muhammad broad for being too skinny (“I thought they were supposed to have some meat on them”) but look who won the damn race. 
• “That Jamaican boy” is coming on next. 
• Judy’s beloved Ashton is being interviewed but she’s too busy reciting some white tuna fish recipe in Shape to no one in particular. 
• Judy is not invested in track and field. She’d rather talk about ricotta and “that balsamic vinegar.”
• Henry just said some Canadian runner looks like an older version of one of choochs friends and Judy and I just adamantly agreed so now Henry has this smug, self-satisfied look on his face. Don’t get too used to it, asshole. 
• Oh hey Usain bolt just won a thing. 
• “They have BMX in the Olympics?” Henry asked. “you’re asking us?” Judy said incredulously. 
• I was reading out loud about the two Australian swimmers banned from the closing ceremonies because they were out past curfew and Judy said “yeah! They don’t mess around over there. That’s where they should send murderers. Chop their fingers off or something.” ????? I don’t know if she’s talking about Rio or the IOC. 
• It’s 10:11, too early for Judy to take her pills. 
• It’s a commercial now. Judy is appalled because she got a letter from her eye doctor saying its been a year since she’s been there. “I was just there in May! Simple people. I was going to call them but they don’t even deserve a phone call. You know they pay people to send those things out. That’s a shame.” 
• Smuckers Team USA commercial has Judy feeling some type of way. “I LOVE peanut butter and jelly, omg.”
• Some Puerto Rican got kicked out of this hurdle race for a false start and Judy told him to go get drunk. Then they showed an American and she said “is that our boy?” But I just ignored her because I don’t know who our boy is. 
• This Olympics doesn’t feel right without Bela Karolyi. My mom said he was on during the gymnastics (like, duh) but I never saw him which is why I had ZERO INTERST. I need to go paint his sweet Romanian face (again). I miss him so much. 
• Announcer: her entry was not very good. “Oh for CHRISTS SAKE lady,” Judy spat in vehement disagreement. Now she’s chastising some Chinese girl for not being as good as her fellow Chinese diver. “That’s not gonna cut it, girlfriend. Trust me I know.”

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• After the commentater critized another diver, Judy just yelled THEN YOU GET UP THERE AND DO IT BITCH. Well, she did—-in 2000. And she won the gold. So….
• “I’m going to punch her.”
• Judy’s mad that this 15yo Chinese girl doesn’t look happy that she won a gold but it’s hard to be emotive when you’re a robot, you know?
• “these are the times im glad I don’t have a computer” and I think she’s implying that she’d be starting flame wars in the comment section right now. That’s what Amber2 thinks that Glenn does all day at work. 

OK GOOD NIGHT. 

Love this band, love this song, love this video. 10/10. 

(I guess you could consider this a “GREETINGS FROM ERIN’S LUNCH BREAK” since I’m on my late shift break and the song is called POSTCARD. God, will the wonders ever cease over here at OHE.)

(Also, I ran out of people to send lunch break post cards to so if you want one, holler at me in the comments.)

Today I found out that the band Divorce. called it quits two weeks ago and then I just watched Phelps swim his last race and now the Olympics are officially over for me. 

Also it’s 187 degrees in my house and I’m laying here with three fans on me (not Dans like my phone originally tried to tell you although having three Dans on me COULD be pretty interesting depending on what kind of Dans they were and if they liked good music) and I think I might be internally melting. I made Henry go buy me electrolytes and he was like what is that and I had to basically spell out GATORADE for him, God why do I have to be dating such a dum-dum. 

Chooch is at his aunt Kelly’s house for the night so at least there are only two humans here radiating body heat like really uncomfortable, lazy super heroes. 

BRB going to stick my head in the freezer again. 

Ok I’m back because I was thinking about how earlier when Henry and I were having dinner at Eat n Park ( HOT DATE ALERT), “Warm Blood” by Carly Rae Jepsen came on and I started crying over my salad, seriously, because it made me reminisce about her show that Chooch and I went to last winter and how fantastic it was (and also how there is no humidity in February) and then that in turn made me think about how I will always associate her with Olympic swimming thanks to this video from the 2012 London Olympics, oh god I’m crying again please someone get the tranq gun. 

We took Henry’s mom to the Grant Bar for dinner on Wednesday, which is down the street from Mr. Small’s and has THE BEST COCONUT CREAM PIE ON EARTH.

I’m not kidding. I’m a coconut cream pie savant, having studied all types of crust, custard, and creamy caps (I prefer a whipped topping over a meringue, for your information). I know a good coconut cream pie. I’ve been disappointed, I’ve been underwhelmed, I’ve been satiated, but rarely have I been WOWED. That old dude at Grant’s knows what’s up. Honestly, I can never even remember how I felt about the actual food every time I’ve left that joint, because it’s the pie that stays on my mind.

THAT FUCKING GOLD MEDAL PIE.

“You’re going to love this place,” Henry said to Judy as we walked in. “Everyone here will be your age.”

And sure enough!

We had a great time at Grant’s except that I hated our waitress. I mean, she wasn’t THE WORST but she was definitely stand-offish and having a rough night and I’m sorry, but if I’m afraid to ask a waitress questions, then what’s the point, why didn’t I just go to a fucking vending machine for dinner.

First of all, I asked for cole slaw in lieu of a potato product for my side, and she MIGHT HAVE TOLD ME at that time that all sandwiches COME with a small side of cole slaw, but instead, she brought me like three servings of cole slaw and I was like, “Oh. OK, wow.” I mean, perhaps I would have asked for cottage cheese instead!

Second of all, I decided after we ordered our food that I wanted some type of beer so that I could calm my nerves because I was going to the show alone and walking into the venue is always the hardest part for me because NO FRIENDS, SO SAD. I didn’t have a drink menu but Henry pointed to a sign on a wall that had some kind of dumb beer special on it so I was like excuse me can I have that and she made a huge deal about needing my ID and then took forever to come back to check it and I was so frustrated because she made me feel like I was abusing my power as a customer by ordering a bottle of beer and I’M SORRY I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY AND NEED THIS RIGHT NOW PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME FEEL WORSE.

Third of all, I realized she reminded me of an old boss and that just made it worse.

Meanwhile, Judy was all, “LEMME TRY SOME OF THAT BEER” and took a swig.

She wasn’t impressed.

She shrugged and made an “eh” expression and Chooch leaned over and said, “That moment you make the Trump face” and it was PERF.

“I was always more of a whiskey and water person,” she said matter-of-factly.

And then we got the last three pieces of coconut cream pie!! Henry had to settle for lemon cream so he acted like a little pussy bitch about it.

I wish you could taste this pie right now. I wish I hadn’t eaten a grilled cheese so I could have had two pieces of pie and Chooch could have gotten apple instead, I don’t give a fuck. I wish that old man pie baker lived in my kitchen cupboard.

Apparently, Judy’s mom made a killer coconut cream, so we all braced ourselves  and waited for her to denounce Grant’s limp-writ

Because I was going to a show, I didn’t get to watch the Olympics with Judy that night and I was pretty sad about that. But we got some swimming action in last night! She kept talking about Linda Lasky and I was like, “WHO IN THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT’ so I googled her and all I found was a bunch of basic, non-medaling women. Eventually I realized she was referring to KATIE LEDECKY.

The fuck.

Also, she doesn’t care WHAT color Ryan Lochte’s hair is, because MMM MMM MMM. He’s darling! Also, it’s “Lockie” not Lochte. She was very perplexed when he didn’t medal and kept murmuring, “Lockie, what happened to you?” over and over, and it was so depressing.

Judy’s favorite swimmer is Esther Williams. I hadn’t heard of her and when I looked her up, I realized she is old as fuck—so old she’s dead.

Then it switched to gymnastics and she was filling me in on a lot of the things I had missed during the week. “And there’s Aly and….the black girl.” Oh Judy.

Henry took her home today at work, so I had to watch all the swimming stuff without her so no surprise Phelps got a SILVER. NOTHING FEELS RIGHT!!

I just realized I’ve been watching TV all night on the non-HD channel. I’ve been spending way too much time with Judy.

We got a late start tonight but made it home  in time for Ledecky & Phelps. She still doesn’t know that I’m live-blogging this. 

• “18 years old and he’s got an attitude like THAT?! Ew.” Re:Australian swimmer Chalmers’ face. 
• She just made disapproving grunts at the previews for Girl On the Train. But then the Nationwide commercial came on and she approved. 
• Now she’s talking about some guy who used to come into the laundromat who looked JUST LIKE SCOTT HAMIL and she wanted to walk around town with him and have him give out autographs. ???
• “He ain’t about to give them reactions,” Judy said as they showed Phelps in the waiting area.
•  “Her boobs must be like SMASHED in there” as Katie Ledecky tugged on her suit. “LETS GO KARIE, KATIE, whatever.” She’s very proficient when it comes to properly pronouncing her last name though. Somehow. 
• “GOOD GIRL SHE DID IT!”

• Chooch made her popcorn to help calm her nerves. 
• “THAT’S HER MOTHER” after they literally said “here is Ledecky’s mother.”
• You guys Henry’s mom is giggling like a SCHOOLGIRL over Phelps winning his 20th gold. She hates Le Clos so bad and is just flipping her lid right now. 
• “I like speed skating.” “That’s in the winter, mom,” Henry calmly corrected her. “Skiing is ok too,” she went on. 

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• Judy just explained the Geico butt-dialing commercial to me: “See it’s calling itself. This commercial is so stupid.”
• “I want a Michael Phelps jacket.”
• “I DIDNT KNOW GRANDMA USED TO BE A SWIMMER” Judy just shouted to Henry who is only two feet away. “Yeah she swam for Schenley high school. She used to do the backstroke and all those butterflies.”
• Judy thinks she can probably go to the Strip District and get one of those Olympic jackets for cheap. “Well, maybe not cheap…”
• That guy’s got so many jobs,” Judy said angrily about Ryan Seacrest. “He must not have a life.”
• RYAN LOCHTE *homer drool* Sorry. That was me, not Judy. 
• Uh…there’s still another Phelps race to go and Judy left the room to sit and read the CIRCULARS?!
• Judy’s back just in time to offer up a swimming lesson: “You have to learn how to breathe too and all that.”
• This relay thing is about to start and Team USA just walked out. “MmmMmm, we got all the good ones. Phelps, and um…one two three…four good ones.”
• PHELPS’ cap just broke???
• “I can’t believe he lets them put those marks all over him” – Judy obsessing over cupping again. 
• “I hate when they do that – she’s a little bit crooked. What the hell they got, a magnifying glass?” We’re watching gymnastics now. Balance beam, specifically. 
• We both agreed that these girls are fake-nice to each other after they complete their routines but they all really hate each other. The Olympics is bringing me and Judy together you guys. We like and hate the same people. 
• Ok Judy has to take her pill soon whatever that means and I’m going to bed while she continues to mull over the fact that the women’s gymnastic leotards cost $1200. 

• “WHOOOOOAAAA. That’s totally amazing.” Re: men’s diving.
• “THEIR BICEPS ARE LIKE…WOW” – talking about watching swimming last night.
• “Is this new? This men’s diving thing? I don’t remember it from last time.”
• [just spent 10 minutes away from the Olympics trying to remember the muscle cream that I used to use when I played tennis. Then I remembered that Joe Namath was in the commercial which led me to the answer: FLEX ALL 454, bam bitches.]
• Judy is currently more concerned about Henry’s back hurting than men’s synchronized diving. She wants to know if he wears one of “them” belts. No, he does not.
• There was just a mention of the Olympics first transgender athlete but Judy didn’t hear.
• HENRY JUST SAID ONE OF THE AMERICAN DIVERS LOOKS LIKE ANTHONY GREEN. Henry is such a scene kid. 
• “China is good”–judy’s succinct review of men’s synchronized diving. WELL I THINK THEY CHEAT, BUT WHATEV.
• Judy just disgustedly said, “I have no idea where ANYTHING is” like she is extremely disappointed in herself. And this isn’t about a country in the Olympics, but a restaurant nearby in Millvale.
• We’ve switched from diving to swimming and they’re showing Missy Franklin in her warmup gear.  “I want one of them jackets, they’re nice. That freestyle, that’s just regular swimming right?”
• Judy’s girl Katie Ledecky is coming up. “That’s the one to watch, that Ledecky. She’s next I think.”
• She just lovingly cooed “there she is. GOD LOOK AT THOSE SHOULDERS. OMG THATS ALL MUSCLE. that spandex, that’s gotta bother them, goddamn.”
• “those glasses are so ugly. I guess it protects their eyes though.”
• “China. Oh shut up.”
• She just said something that sounded like “take him in the locker room and stab him” – this night has taken a dark turn.
• “I wonder how much those cost. She’s got a white one.” We’re back on the warmup jacket kick now.
• Man buns are getting so much Olympic love. Judy wouldn’t care if Henry started wearing his hair in a man bun. Now she’s reminiscing about Henry’s hair and how long and beautiful it was UNTIL HE WENT INTO THE SERVICE.
• Oh god please someone get Judy a damn Olympic windbreaker.
• “You watch [the Olympics] and you forget about everything going on in the world” – Real Talk with Judy.
• “I don’t like fencing,” said like there was a bad taste in her mouth.
• Judy is relishing this King/Russian doper rivalry. “GET HER BABY GET HER COME ON COME ON YES!”
• Re: commercial for Geneva College: “this is a really stupid commercial.” After it was over, I agreed. “Isn’t it dumb?! What terrible actors.” I think it’s safe to say Judy won’t be attending Geneva.
• “Ew, I hate Raisin Bran. Ick. God,” like she has spiders crawling on her. She recently learned to like raisins however, but she doesn’t like them, you know, soaked in brandy or anything. #OlympicCommercials
• The whole phelps/Le clos thing is playing out now, with Phelps looking all serious in his warm-up gear and Le Clos sticking out his tongue and shadow boxing in front of him, and Judy goes, “Wow, he’s what you call a DICK HEAD.”
• (honestly though this is intense AF)
• OK I’ve hit my Olympic limit. I’m sure Judy has much to say about beach volleyball but we’ll never know.

I’m It’s Friday and I got a good seat on the trolley and I’m wearing jeans at work so let’s celebrate with five things I like right now, because that takes less energy than writing about all the things I hate.

1. Old As Fuck Rosary

Octavia gifted me with this beautiful heartwood rosary that she bought from an ex-Dominican monk in Venice and I am so smitten with it! I love religious objects so much and this one in particular is going to get much love. Also, I think it might be haunted because I keep seeing it flash before my eyes when I’m at work. Is that normal.

2. Proper Soft-Serve

I guess I’m just over the SUGAR & SPICE episode where that dumb bitch refused to serve me sprinkles because when the kind young girl at Punk’s batted nary a lash when I asked for not sprinkles but the heavier CRUNCHIES on my pistachio soft serve last Sunday, I felt like I won a small victory for soft serve embellishments all over the world. No one should be denied their God-given right to dress a fucking ice cream cone with sprinkles.

There was a lady in line behind us who leaned forward and asked, “Excuse me, but what are those crunchies exactly?” Henry and I were just like, “You know…crunchy things” and the ice cream server said it was like crushed peanut brittle (negative). I enthusiastically encouraged the broad to try some for herself and she made it sound like she was going to, but I watched her as she walked back to her car with her CRUNCHIE-LESS ICE CREAM. My heart was busted.

3. Thursdays with Judy

Chooch is done with camp which means we’re back to having Henry’s mom here as basically a live-in nanny. She was in rare form last night though because the church across the street is currently in the throes of the lamest carnival of all time, but it’s appealing to old people and kids who don’t know any better. Chooch likes it because it’s a chance for him to spend our money and pretend like he’s independent (it’s literally right across the street so I just half-heartedly wave to him, make sure he doesn’t get hit by a car when he crosses the street, and then go back to watching my MTV shows), plus he’s been seeing a lot of his friends over there too because I guess this is the current HOT SPOT in Brookline. Opening night was also DOO WOP night with DJ Daddy G and it was pretty much poppin’ off. I mean, you can’t play Under the Boardwalk without all the octogenarians groovin’ behind their rockers.

(Chooch is actually there again right now and I’m like WHAT IS SO GREAT ABOUT THIS CARNIVAL? There aren’t even any rides there?!)

ANYWAY. Judy was excited to go over with Chooch last night. Henry gave them money and we were like “Don’t spend it all in one place — OR ON JADEN.” Jaden is this dickhead kid that comes calling all the time and he looks away every time I’m around because Chooch told him I hate him and now he’s afraid of me, which is how it should be. I finally got to watch The Challenge finale (Johnny Bananas can eat a dick) so I was in a great mood by the time they came back around 9, and Judy was in an even BETTER mood. She had so much to tell us that I was like “Did they go to St.Pius or Reno?”

“Jaden said his mom was EXPLODING CHOOCH’S PHONE, what the hell does that mean?!” Judy cried. “And the PRIEST was looking for blackjack players! Then I thought I lost Markie and when I saw his grandfather walking toward me I thought OH NO HERE WE GO. [Hot Naybor] Chris and Ruthie came over too, so I talked to them for a little bit. RUTHIE leaves for MEXICO next week. Markie’s grandma has an ULCER on her FOOT and is in the nursing home now. She’s doing OK, but yeah she’s in a nursing home.”

All this, at the St. Pius Carnival.

She was pissed though because she wanted to play Bingo but I guess that was when she lost Markie, who isn’t even her responsibility, just some neighborhood kid whose grandfather ditched him and Judy got saddled with him, so she felt like she had to look for him instead? I would have been like, “I have no idea what kid you’re talking about.”

Chooch won a poop emoji thing.

So then Judy sat down in my wheelchair and somehow we got on the topic of ho my life sucks and I just poured out my heart, just kept talking and talking, and I had no idea how badly I needed to do that. To just TALK without having my feelings minimized. And Judy kept it REAL, man. She dished out heaping spoonfuls of advice and suggested that I go and talk to that priest who did Sharon’s memorial because fuck a therapist, right? Maybe I’ll do that. Probably not, but it makes me feel good to know that it’s an option, and that Judy gives a shit. Sometimes it feels like I don’t have the right to be hurting, so I try to keep it all internalized. But Judy just sat there and listened and cared about what I had to say and fuck, I needed that.

And then she started ranting about how much she hates Jerry O’Connell, remakes of classic movies, and asked Henry if he was there when they were all watching Roots or was that when he was IN THE SERVICE and I was like, “Motherfuck, this is the best casual work night ever.”

4. POP GOES THE WEASEL

This morning, Amber2 walked past me, singing “Pop Goes the Weasel” because that’s what happens when you have baby. But it reminded me of this “rap” song that was mildly popular around 1992 and Amber and Todd were like, “No, sorry we don’t remember the rap song that you just made up in your head” but then I found the video on YouTube and now Amber wants to buy a sweatsuit and probably already made it her new ring tone.

5. The Olympics, duh!

I’m so excited to start hating random countries for really obscure reasons and hopefully getting some BELA KAROLYI SIGHTINGS!!! I love him so much that in addition to making a t-shirt with his face on it, I even painted a picture of him which is hanging on my wall and literally no one who comes to my house every asks about it because they know it’s probably a can of worms waiting to be opened.

OK, my brain is tired and I would like to enjoy the opening ceremonies since I was working LATE SHIFT during the last Olympic opening ceremonies and missed out on all the MAGIC.

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