Penelope (now known as JonBenet) wasn’t sure what to make of the debate the other night. 

Also not knowing what to think was Henry’s mom, who called him and said she needed to distract herself from the debate so she decided to make Chooch peanut butter cookies, but wanted to check and make sure he doesn’t have a peanut allergy before putting peanuts in it. 

“Well mom, you’re already making PEANUT BUTTER cookies so if he has a peanut allergy….” And way to wait until he’s 10 before asking, Judy!

(The cookies are pretty bomb though.)

Guys hay guys I conned Henry into seeing Thrice with me because I dislike Stage AE and didn’t want to go there alone, cry me a river. So my Airforce Hero came downtown and met me after work, where we split pizza at some place I can never remember the name but I go there sometimes with Wendy (twice, I went there with Wendy twice).

Now it’s 6:21pm and we’re standing in line waiting for doors to open which is exactly what Henry didn’t want to do, wooooo. We’re definitely at the right place because flannels. So many flannels. Much cozy!

6:27 and one of the guys in front of us just yelled, “Tix out for Harambe!” Dead.

6:56: BLUE MOON HORCHATA. Henry said he forgot his ear plugs for La Dispute. :( Henry is so mean to La Dispute.

7:15: still waiting for the show to start. When security was going thru my purse, one of those plastic prize bubbles fell out and rolled across the floor. “sorry for being a giant kid,” I laughed, stuffing it back into my purse full of ticket stubs, show flyers, Num Noms, and gumball machine prizes.

7:58: Nothing, Nowhere just ended and took my heart with them. From the moment the drums kicked in on the first song, tears started streaming down my face and I just let it happen because Therapy. OH FOR GOD’S SAKE. After the first song ended I yelled “Obsessed” into Henry’s ear and he rolled his eyes. Just now he said “ow my heart” which hello that’s MY LINE.

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805: Uneventful bathroom trip. La Dispute next! I have chills! Stage AE keeps playing some kind of Charlie Brown bullshit in between bands and that’s fine usually but it’s making me feel tired and Henry forced a large cup of beer on me and now I’m drunk.

AFTER ONE BAND!!

OMG HENRY?!

Nah he’s behind me, son.

8:58: this just in – Henry still hates La Dispute. I love them even more!!

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9:13 was just in the bathroom which sounded like a windtunnel of ennui-laden, nasal LA DI DAs and LEE LEE LOOs. Neo-Valley Girl.

Girls are so annoying. I WAS NOT THAT ANNOYING WHEN I WAS IN MY EARLY 20s RIGHT HENRY.

11:10 Guys, we’re on the trolley now and I am so jittery and all a’twit with joy and exuberance and some real life Sound of Music bullshit. (Or bullsjug as AutoCorrect suggested.) THRICE WHY U SO GUD?!

Henry just said “I only know like one of their songs so I dong know why you drag me along to these” and I’m heartbroken, all love-crushed, because I THOUGHT THAT WAS OUR BAND?! Like it has been there throughout the whole course of our relationship?! Like, pre-Chooch random drives in our old Nissan Sentra, playing Stare at the Sun on repeat?! FUCK OFF HENRY.

Anyway, they opened with Hurricane and My heart got all clogged in my throat, you know how that happens when something really emotionally sucker punches you or you’ve just watched some seriously depraved porn. Yeah, that feeling.

And then proceeded to murder our feelings with a 90 minute set worth emotionally dying for.

https://instagram.com/p/BK5dlIXD0wA/

Thrice, welcome back!! When they did their farewell tour, we were poor(er) and Papa H wouldn’t open the pocketbook for me (I know, how 1950s of us but to be fair I was working part time and having my wages garnished lol student loans). We did get to see them last year at Riot Fest after they made their big comeback but a 45 minute set outside just doesn’t compare to what we got last night, a show full of the old standbys and also so many gems from their new album. I was in heaven.

The Pirates game let out at the same time as the show so we’re on the trolley with all those ppl and that is MUCH BETTER THAN STEELERS FANS.

A bunch of us got a beer bath from some asshole on the balcony, by the way. I got it all down my neck and when I turned around to whine to Henry he was like “k cool” but the girl next to me must have been in the early stages of her relationship, the pupa stage maybe, because her boyfriend kept looking up at the balcony like he was gonna FIND THAT MOTHERFUCKER & MAKE HIM PAY. RIP OUT HIS ESOPHAGUS SO HE CAN ENJOY BEER NO MORE!

I want to believe it was some sweet, demure young lady who became so enrapt and overcome with The Passion of the Thrice that she spilled it by accident.

BUT IT WAS PROBABLY SOME DUMB YINZER-BRO.

Speaking of the people next to us, everyone at the show was super chill & regular and no one got on my nerves. Whaaaat. I’m not even kidding. It was much better than when I saw them at Diesel in 2009 and got in a mild physics altercation with some douchebag (no, not Henry this time).

LOL’ING ALL THE WAY TO THE MARKET.

1146: OH SHIT Tourette’s was on the trolley with us that whole time!

Wow Out walk home is like a bad comedy. Dormont you LIT for a Tuesday night.

Just walked past the gas station down the street from our house and Henry opened up and told me and intimate story.

“See that guy working in there? I used to come here sometimes to, you know, buy a bottle or whatever—”

THIS ALREADY SOUNDS FISHY. DEFINE “WHATEVER” HENRY.

“—but he’d always be in there, like rooting around through the garbage and then he would stop and handle products without washing his hands! Sorry but don’t touch my water after your hands have been in the garbage. One time, the garbage can was on the counter!”

Wow, cool story. That’ll really help lull me to sleep.

Goodnight!

(I fell asleep before posting this, so now I can say GOOD MORNING!)

ETA:

Henry, in his head: “First she makes me come to this fucking show and now I have to have my picture taken too? UGH.”

“I wish I was Jennifer Aniston,” I sighed wistfully. 

“Why?” Henry asked, as if this was a statement so extraordinary that it warranted an explanation?

“Um, because she’s the most beautiful girl in the country?” I answered snidely, like hello she’s America’s Sweetheart, you idiot. 

Henry chewed on this and then said, “But then we wouldn’t be together.”

“….yeah, sure we would,” I said with zero conviction. 

“OK how would we have met then?”

“Well, obviously at a Days Of Our Lives convention, where I would be there supporting my dad,  Victor Kiriakis.”

Henry considered this and then, with a smirk, asked, “But why am I at a Days Of Our Lives convention?”

“To see JOHN BLACK,” I shouted in a LE DUH tone because hello, have you ever even read Henry’s LiveJournal?

Meanwhile, at Eat n Park, I got all let down when I thought the beginning of a song was going to be Jon Secada’s Just Another Day but ended up being Ace of Base ughhh. So I sadly tweeted about that and fifteen minutes later, THIS HAPPENED: 

My Saturday night is so fucking full. SO FUCKING FULL. 

Can I take a moment to toot my parenting horn for a hot second? I mean hey, it’s gotta be better than the endless wave of Riot Fest posts (THAT ARENT OVER YET, FYI). 

I mentioned before that 4th grade was a TERRIBLE year for Chooch, and also me and Henry. The school was calling us so much that I eventually just stopped answering, waited to hear the voicemail, and then made henry deal with it. Behavioral issues all year long! Trouble with other kids. Trouble with teachers. It all culminated with Henry having a legit round table discussion with not one, not two, but FIVE teachers plus the vice principal. 

Turns out, he was bored AF, not being challenged, and genuinely disliked one of his teachers. 

This year has seemed so much better though. He has a group of friends he seems pretty close with, his teachers this year seem to be fair and it old-fashioned like the ancient teacher he had last year, and then this:

He was SO EXCITED to be picked for this and I’m like “ok…dork” but in reality I think it’s because it gives him a sense of leadership, plus attention. 

Which he craves. 

You’re surprised. I can tell. 

He was over it after the first day:

But I thought it was awesome that the principal chose him, especially knowing what last year was like for him. 

(He is a fucking awesome principal and Henry and I both like him a lot which says something because Henry and I rarely like the same things.)

And today, something even more awesome happened: the school called (Henry,  not me lol) to let us know that Chooch has officially been accepted into the gifted program! He was tested last year, in April or May, but we never heard back and figured he didn’t make it. But he did! So now hopefully he will stay challenged and stimulated and far away from TROUBLE. 

OK. Parenting horn is going back into the trunk under the bed, next to the container of limbs and scalps. 

I don’t ever need it to be October to enjoy scary things, but I am definitely getting all amped up over here for haunted houses and Halloween. I admittedly wasn’t feeling it for awhile there, which leads to me believe that I really am more dead than alive inside…or should that mean that I would be even DOUBLY amped?

This is the first time that Chooch has known what he’s going to be for months, but I’m sure we’ll drag it out and wait until the last minute as usual to make his costume. (Lol, “we.”) It’s not going to be gory like the zombie clown or last year’s Death By Stereo, but it will arguably be sjust as obscure as the latter.

YOU’LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE.

(J/k, it’s not that exciting.)

Other things I’m excited for in October:

• The 6th pie party! “We” have no idea what “we’re” making, but the theme is “exotic.”
• More shows, duh. We might be taking Chooch to see the Summer Set in Columbus and I’m looking forward to giving oral to a cupful of Jeni’s.
• Trying some new haunted houses.
• Sitting in a cemetery, trying out some new spells.
• Henry making things with squash and pumpkins.
• Eating too much of Chooch’s trick-or-treating bounty and then complaining about being so dumb, so fat.
• Finally wearing hoodies, I hope?! It’s still so hot.
• Celebrating the idiot cats’ 1st birthday, which is October 3rd according to Sandy who is the fur-mom of their bio brother, Kitten Play.
• Maybe still watching this season of American Horror Story — will this be the first season since season 2 that I’ll be able to see through to the end?! I hope so. I hate being let down. I already have 509 issues with this current season and it’s only the second episode, are my standards too high? TOO BAD.
• Not arriving to work a sweaty mess from walking to the trolley in 97 degree heat.
• Luring Chris and Monica over here for some horror movie viewings.
• Making fun of the Halloween window displays along Brookline Boulevard. I have no chill for my town.

What was your favorite costume as a kid? I think mine was a Monopoly Board.

I actually hate dressing up now, though, and have probably only done so 5 times as an adult. INTERESTING.

Basically, this blog post is full of the things I would say if I had someone to talk to right now, but I don’t because I’m only one awake and I am LONELY AND BORED and also I drank way too much coffee today—good thing I’m on late shift tomorrow because this dumb B ain’t going to bed anytime soon, no sir.

I think I’m going to get a simple jack o’lantern tattoo on my thumb at some point. Maybe as a cover-up for that obsolete H on my ring finger, lol.

(J/K, Henry. Ugh.)

Now’s the portion of the night where I play all my Riot Fest videos and cry like the emo bitch I am. NEVER CHANGE, SELF.

DON’T WORRY, SELF, I WON’T.

Much to Henry’s  inner joy and invisible mirth, yesterday was the third and last day of Riot Fest. It’s also the first day Henry and I fought– we made it so far! Specifically all the way to Rob Zombie’s set where I tried to lose Henry in the crowd like lol ok what is that going to prove. 

Anyway, we saw lots of bands so let’s see what Henry hated, didn’t like, and thought was “not too bad.” (Heads up, he was not impressed by anything on Sunday.)

• The Bronx: They were good…? What?
• Frankiero andthe Patience: I liked that too. (He sounded unsure. I don’t think he knows who this is.)
• All Dogs: I don’t remember if I liked them. Apparently not. 
• Dee Snider: Eh. Novelty. 
• Juliette Lewis & the Licks: Interesting. Not too bad for what we saw before you got hangry. 
• A Will Away: I only saw five minutes of them so I can’t make an informative opinion. (He was sitting alone by a fence for their first few songs, looking like an undercover cop.)
• Thursday: I was never a big fan anyway so that didn’t change. (He breaks my heart.)
• Bad Religion: Pretty much the same. Not a big fan anyway. 
• Underoath: I don’t know. (He scrunched up his face and made a so-so motion with his hand.)
• Deftones: I only knew their older stuff, so. Not bad. Can’t say I’m the biggest fan. (Well they played mostly old stuff, so…)
• Rob Zombie: From what I heard I liked. (When I left him during Rob Zombie, he was standing by himself– obvi–and said that a younger guy was doing DRUGS next to him, but when he saw Henry, he got nervous and put it away. Like no duh, Henry—it’s because you look like a NARC.)
• Sleater-Kinney: We walked through them? That was it. (Yeah right when they were commending Riot Fest for writing a No Harrassment policy – Henry hates when girls stand up for themselves and get all “lippy about their safety” don’t you Henry the Oppressor?)
• Misfits: I don’t get it. 

And now is the time where we ask Henry what his dream Riot Fest lineup would be.  Lol, nevermind. Just Ted Nugent. 

Out of every band there this weekend, Henry’s favorite was “I don’t know.”

Henry got lemonade because “everyone else seems to be getting lemonade.” What a fucking conformist. 

Overall, Henry thinks that Riot Fest “wasn’t a bad weekend. At least it didn’t rain.”

Wow. I feel like a need a fucking butterfly net to catch all those words. 

Oh boy, another day at Riot Fest, another thoroughly interesting and verbose review from Henry. Better get that dictionary handy in case he uses a BIG WORD that you don’t understand probably because it’s some made-up word that Auto Correct chose because I’m typing this on my phone at 11:40pm in our disgusting “hotel.”

• Brick + Mortar: I liked them. 
• Plague Vendor: Mmm, for some reason I did like them. (This was like a huge shock to me. I thought he would hate them. But when they told everyone to get down on the ground, he actually did it and he doesn’t even CLAP when a band tells him to, so….chew on that one.)

• Microwave, acoustic: Ehhhh, I don’t know. Can’t say much. (OK except that this is America and he can actually say whatever he wants, but whatever…)
• Jessica Hernandez: I didn’t think anything of her. 
• Hippo Campus: Hippo Campus….um, nothing special. Did we stay the whole time? No? They were very….(I can’t tell if he just quit talking or if he’s getting all Heathers on us. “They were very.”)
• High Waisted: They were very entertaining. Look I said they were very entertaining.  When do you ever get anything more than that from me, really? (He said that after I got mad at how stupidly succinct he is.) I saw her boob with a star on it. 
• Motion City Soundtrack: Nope. Nothing to say. (He really hates them and I don’t get it.)
• Bob Mould: I don’t know his music that well, so…
• Balance & Composure: Um, I liked them. (he said this in a very upbeat manner and I’m nervous now.)
• Brand New: Mmm, I only knew a couple of their songs, so…(Also, he read a tweet out loud that said Jesse Lacey should come out and sing Morrissey’s set since he was making everyone wait and Henry goes “Isnt the girl from High Waisted?” And I was like “Well no because she’s a girl and Jesse Lacey is the singer for Brand New.” Idiot.)
• Death Cab For Cutie: Eh. (Look, Henry is clearly hard to impress. The  music world isn’t full of Ted Nugents.)
• Morrissey: what I saw wasn’t too bad I guess. I don’t know his music too much to begin with so what would I have to compare it to. (WOW.)

In summary: “It was good up until the end*, I guess. I ate a cheeseburger there today. Nothing special.”

*(He probably means because we had a fight in the parking lot when I said I wanted ice cream HAHAHAHAHA.)

Let’s end with a picture of Henry emerging from his office. I can’t stop laughing at how weird he looks!

(When your significant other goes into a portajohn first to clean the seat for you, that is YOUR PERSON*, don’t ever let ’em go!

*See also: bitch.)

Wait. One more thing. 

Dance Gavin Dance released a new video today and it is so fucking weird and perfect. 

I won’t be eating donuts for a while – thanks for the diet strategy, guys!

Day one is over and yes, we’re goddamn exhausted but I’m still going to make Henry give his signature half a sentence review of the bands we saw today. Please note this Henry’s opinion is not a reflection of my own. 

• Tigers Jaw: “Nothing Special.”
• Citizen: “They’re good…? That’s it right this second.”
• Touché Amore: “They weren’t too bad.” (WOW, this one shocked me because he hates this type of music and anytime I played their records st home he gets irritated.)
• Jule Vera: “Good. It wasn’t bad. I would go see her again….but not by myself.” (FYI it’s a band not a girl.)
• Set Your Goals (or as Henry calls them “Is this the big guy and little guy?): “Eh. I don’t like them live.”
• Somos: “Uh, didn’t like them.”
• Glassjaw: “Mmm. no.”
• Jimmy Eat World: “Yeah. I did like them but also I like them anyway so…” (?????)
• Basement: “Hold on, I’m eating. I would see them again. They were good.”
• Pierce the Veil: “They’re the same every time. Though they’re getting a little….showy. I like them, but….I don’t know.”

Food: “I had salt & vinegar fries which were not that bad. Oh I had paella from Man with a Pan. Vegetable paella.”

(Guys Henry is a vegetarian now I think.)

Uber drivers: “The first one I don’t think has ever driven anyway, apparently. And the second one, he was a nice guy.”

(If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Henry over the years, it’s that he hates being a passenger and nothing exacerbates that more than using Uber and Lyft.)

Day One summary: “It was very tiring and I don’t want to do it again.”

Me: Well, I guess I’m going to live blog now. 

Henry: …..oh boy. 

***

8:59am: HI EVERYBODY! GOOD MORNING! Henry and I are on our way to Chicago for Riot Fest. It’s not until tomorrow but he made me take an extra day off work so we didn’t have to drive through the night like we usually do, he’s so selfish. (I’m so frugal with my PTO.) So far, we’ve only accomplished stopping at Dunkin’ Donuts for coffee and breakfast, but at least we’re not fighting yet. (He is in a mood though.)

I miss Chooch a lot already. I made him give me an extra hug before he went to school this morning and you know how much I hate hugs. :( Then I was dreamily telling Henry about the one episode of Inpractical Jokers that Chooch and I were watching last night and now I miss him even more because that’s our show. Henry just told me I’m so weird because I’m cry-laughing at the memory of Sal’s punishment last night. 

I GUESS HE HAD TO BE THERE. 

9:25am: Apparently I don’t open bags of pretzels properly so now I’m being lectured. “You and Chooch,” he just sighed. Oh so I guess it’s my fault that Chooch doesn’t open bags of snacks properly, too. 

(Lol it probably is.)

Jesus, I don’t tie my shoes right (except that I do, the rest of you are the ones who do it wrong), I don’t open bags of snacks right. Why are you even with me, Henry?!

I just opened a bag of Chex Mix and he’s side-eying me. 

10:00am: “I bought three waters. They were three for $2.” Why does he bother telling me these things? Like I care? Is that a good deal, I don’t know?!

It’s like last weekend when we were with Tommy & Jessy, and Jessy was telling us about how she went to some farmers market and got a big brown bag full of cucumbers for $6 and I was like “……….”

10:07am: the new driver at Henry’s job just called him to ask him a question about FAYGO delivering things that you and I wouldn’t understand, so Henry adopted his Professional Driver voice which is basically just his voice was super amplified because all of the people he works with are deaf? Anyway, Henry’s solution to Tony’s problem was to “go ask Kevin.” 

10:22am: Henry’s been struggling to open a 5 Hour Energy with one hand while he’s driving for a solid 7 minutes now because he knows better than to ask me for help. 

11:30am: Listening to Deftones’ “Adrenaline” album super loud and having intense flashbacks of driving around in my ’95 Eagle Talon with Heather the Ken, in the middle of the night, getting pulled over like 87 times during the summer of ’98 (and NO TICKETS until that fall when I dyed my blond hair brown).

Henry is never amused by my stories of yore. 

12:09pm: Henry, trying to make conversation, just pointed out my window and said, “Look, that guy just got pulled over in the middle of nowhere.”

“Yeah but, we’re on a major highway that goes right past that road, so it’s not really the middle of nowhere,” I argued. 

“Well, this highway doesn’t go down there, so it is like the middle of nowhere…” #defensive

“Henry, literally three cars just drove past that road while he was getting pulled over.”

NICE TRY, HENRY. 

12:30pm: Leaving a rest area in Milan, OH, I tried to do my signature “pull the door shut on Henry” and he hoarsely whispered, “STOP THERE ARE PPL BEHIND ME!” and then attempted to run me into a garbage can, making us look like the most bumbling, slapstick domestic abuse reenactors. 

Then in the parking lot, he said, “That guy looks like Will from Emarosa” and he really didn’t at all so I made sure to convey that sentiment to Henry as inconsiderately and obnoxiously as possible so now he’s bitching about how he forgot that I know everything. 

Le duh. 

1:16pm: Juat rolled up to Cosmos Diner in Dover, OH. We’ll see how this goes. 

There is an extremely gravely-voiced waitress here and some older truck driver said hello to her as she passed his table. 

“you don’t know who I am, do you?” He asked. 

“sure do, you’re Tom Servos. I see you on Facebook all the time!” she said. 

“then why don’t you just friend me?” he asked. 

OH SHIT, Tom Servos: Creeper Shamer Extraodinaire. 

Shovel that coleslaw in, Henry. 

Tom’s paying now and the waitress said, “Next time I see you on Facebook, I’m gonna ADD YA and ya better say YES!” and his wife mumbled, “He accepts everyone.”

2:25pm: well guys it happened. I FOUND TOM ON FACEBOOK. 

First, I wasn’t so sure if it was him because his profile picture is just a picture of an 18-wheeler but then I found his MOM and yeah, it’s definitely him. So satisfying. 

Henry is horrified. 

3:19pm: At a rest stop in Indiana and Henry is about to write a letter to Congress regarding the astronomical price of bottles water and I’m like “Maybe that’s to purposely deter people from buying bottled water?!” And then he was going to get a milkshake but changed his mind. 

“Ew why would you get a milkshake from there though?” I asked, totally looking down my judgy nose. 

“Because last time I checked, I can do what I want!” He cried. “I’m an adult!”

Whoa. 

2:54pm: Just ranting as per uge about the NFL guy who knelt during the national anthem. “You know how much I hate football,” I yelled emphatically. “But I would BUY HIS JERSEY, HENRY. I would PROUDLY wear that guy’s name on my back. That POOR FUCKING GUY.”

“Well, he’s not ‘poor’….” Henry mumbled, tryna ruin my moment. 

3:18pm: Still in Indiana. One of these days, we’ll just do the unthinkable and FLY to Chicago and it’ll be great! Except for the part where I’m scared to death of airplanes, post 9/11. 

3:31pm: We’re near Gary, IN and Chooch used to be obsessed with that place because of something to do with school or whatever, blah blah, but now it’s making me MISS HIM even more. I’m going to really miss him tomorrow night during Pierce the Veil. :(

3:50pm (TIME CHANGE): you guys just missed the most exciting moment of this drive: we were paying at a toll thing and Henry was like “what the—” and realized after we drove off that he was OVERCHARGED. 

“I was charged for a 5 AXLE!” he yelled, trying to brag with his TRUCKING LINGO. Apparently the truck in front of us went thru with an Easy Pass and we somehow picked up his toll. 

So then Henry had me call the number on the receipt for him and then acted all put out, like I should be the one doing the talking, but hello they were asking him questions like “what direction are you headed” and “what highway are you on” and “what exit did you take?” and “what is the make of your car?”

BITCH, YOU TELL ME. 

Anyway, Henry came at Nancy the Operator with extreme politeness, as if this is the way to get shit done now suddenly? He even killed her with some of his patented “hyuk hyuk hyuk”s and I was dying, especially when he was struggling to remove my phone from the gigantic Unicorn Tears case. 

So now Happy Hank is getting his $3 refund! And he didn’t even have to call Nancy a cunt–not even once under his breath!

5:06pm: we’ve arrived at that same piece of shit “hotel” we stay at every Riot Fest on Mannheim Rd (what’s up with Camryn Mannheim these days?), except now it’s changed to a Motel 6. “It looks like they got rid of the riffraff, though,” Henry said when he came back with our room key. “I don’t think anyone lives here anymore, at least.”

The room is just one step up from a cinderblock cell, but for as much time we’ll be spending here, who the hell cares. 

5:54pm: We were talking about going to some nearby tiki bar that’s like famous I guess but someone left her license at home in Pittsburgh. 

6:07pm: Henry flew into O’Hare once when HE WAS IN THE SERVICE. 

Henry just yelled,”We’re here for one reason only and it’s not sightseeing in Chicago!!!” WHOA. 

6:18pm: At Giordano’s acting like it’s our first time in a restaurant, ever. Passed some girl on the way in and she was excited about my Pierce the Veil shirt. She was like 13. 

Maybe younger. 

Me: OMGGGGGG!

Henry: What?!

Me: Never mind. You won’t care. OK I THOUGHT THAT WAS TOM SERVOS OVER THERE BUT IT’S NOT. 

6:43pm: one of the busboys here looks just like Kris Letang! Until he turns around and is Mexican. 

7:14pm: OMG OMG OMG – I was struggling  to cut my pizza into bite-sized pieces (have you seen me use utensils? Not pretty) when I accidentally sent a chunk of pizza soaring through the air. It landed on the floor next to our booth and it was like time stood still; I was hoping to kick it back under the table before anyone saw but Kris Letang was walking by and, in a faux-chide, pointed to it and asked, “What is this?!”  I was like “uhhhhh” and he started laughing and cleaned it up for me. “I’m still learning how to cut things,” I said, my face getting all hot because that guy was SO CUTE. He just laughed and said, “it’s ok!” Like I was joking but I wasn’t. 

“You’re so dumb,” Henry sighed. 

#pizzapartysansPhilCollins

7:45pm: Obligatory trip to Target to buy all the things we forgot to pack. :/ #hemorrhagingmoney

8:10pm: Tried to entice Henry with a trip to the World’s Largest Laundromat which is 6 miles away and relevant to his domestic interests, but this apparently falls under the “sightseeing” category and my suggestion has been rejected. 

9:48pm: Watching Blair Witch in our no-frills hotel room. 

Me: “Do you think the Blair Witch is real?”

Henry: “Nope.”

DISAGREE. I’m the Blair Witch, motherfucker. 

Maybe I should have asked Mexican Kris Letang when he was getting off work and gone out with him. LE SIGH. 

Or…EL SIGH. 

[ETA: Next morning: i passed out immediately after Blair Witch was over, which leads me to believe that Henry drugged me so I’d stop bitching about him not wanting to do anything touristy.]

Saturday:

Henry had to work on Saturday, so Chooch and I were left to our own devices. We spun some records and I curled his hair. I can’t believe he let me curl his hair.

Then he made fun of me because I sent Al from Basement a birthday snap and HE REPLIED and I was all goo goo-ga ga over this because I’m 16.

Maybe younger.

And then I found my favorite Cure t-shirt that I thought was gone forever, eaten by the trolls that live in the deep depths of my dresser drawers. Turns out I’m just really bad at looking for things.

Then Chooch and I were loose around Brookline for a while when we went for a walk. He was supposed to meet his friend at some lame gaming place but when you let two 5th graders make their own plans….

Let’s just say that our walk was all for naught and they ended up hanging out much later in the afternoon.

Surprisingly, we didn’t fight about it.

Oh!!! And I made him scrambled eggs too! I’m getting better at faking this mom act.

We had an early dinner at Frank & Shirleys. You can tell it was early because check out that table of Olds behind Henry!

The lady in the green kept staring at Chooch the whole time we were there, and not in an amicable, cuddly grandma way, either.

Major Burnt Offering vibes. 

Shocker: Chooch and I both had grilled cheese. It was mildly satisfying.

Came home and watched The Forest. It was only OK but I still cried. 

Sunday:

The day started with a Beatles song on the radio reminding me of the critically-acclaimed Tony Danza/Amy Dolenz movie “She’s Out of Control,” which I saw with my friend Spring at the Maxi-Saver theater, when it was like brand new, probably. This then reminded me of the era of my childhood where I used to pull a chair from the kitchen table over to the counter in order to watch my shows because the rest of my family monopolized the good TV. One of those shows was DARK SHADOWS, the short-lived early 90s remake, with MICHAEL T WEISS. 

From here, I learned that Henry doesn’t remember when MICHAEL T WEISS played DR MIKE HORTON on DAYS OF OUR LIVES so I got (some might say irrationally) angry at him. 

#POWERHOUSE

You should know that Henry just loves when I drag him along on these nostalgic drives through my childhood. 

Especially when I can also tell him exactly what I was wearing during certain events. 

(I don’t remember what I wore to see “She’s Out of Control,” though, but I remember it gave me hope that someday I too would get my braces off and suddenly not be an ugly duckling anymore. Eh….that never really happened. I got my braces off eventually, at least, but that didn’t bring all the boys to my yard.)

(Maybe a few.)

I found the Cure shirt I bought at their Maryland show in June, which I’ve only worn ONCE, and I was excited to wear it today especially once I realized my idiot nail polish matched it. 

Then I started tearing up on the couch and Henry asked why I was crying. 

“I was just thinking about how much I love Jennifer Aniston,” I answered wistfully, and he was mad. 

Around 11, we drove to Valencia, wherever that is, for some long overdue hangs with Tommy & Jessy! I read the Pretty Little Liars wiki the whole way there, specifically the one about TOBY CAVANAUGH and was surprised at how much I forgot. 

At one point, Henry asked me what I was reading and then mumbled, “oh my god” when I told him. He’s just salty because I watched the last season without him. 

We met at the Bloom Cafe, part of Quality Gardens, where we all had lunch but Henry, who had feasted on a bag of soft pretzels en route to Valencia, opted for a scoop of ice cream instead. 

Because Henry is an adult and he does what he wants. Be like Henry, eat ice cream for lunch. 

Bromance rekindled!

Matching mouths. 

Chooch has ice cream too, but only after he finished his lunch. 

BECAUSE CHOOCH IS RESPONSIBLE. 

After overstaying our welcome inside the Bloom Cafe, we moseyed around inside the greenhouse and I lamented the fact that I couldn’t buy any plant beauties because my cats are dicks. 

Tommy, Jessy, and I all wanted ice cream after that so we drove down the road to Hammer’s and I was excited because I’ve never been there and you know me and ice cream joints. GOTTA TRY ‘EM ALL. 

The flavor of the day was butterscotch! I love butterscotch! I bet those old broads at Frank & Shirley’s do too!

Fucking Henry decided to severely abuse his power as an adult and had ANOTHER ICE CREAM. 

Unbelievable. 

And the worst part was that he ordered the same fucking thing as me so I couldn’t swap with him if I didn’t like mine. 

Well played, asshole. 

Chooch was like, “uh….no, I’m good” when Henry asked him if he wanted anything because Chooch is not foolish enough to eat Second Ice Cream. 

Chooch is nutritionally responsible. 

(God, that’s such a joke but in this case he really was.)

It was a really nice way to spend a Sunday afternoon, for sure. Beautiful company, beautiful weather!

Plus I got to take pictures of my ice cream cone and you know how much I love that, basic blogger that I am. 

This is going to be surprising, but Henry did not have ice cream for dinner. I don’t think he had anything for dinner, actually. But I did and that’s all that matters!

Originally, I planned on bookending the weekend with another horror movie, but instead, I’ve spent the whole evening watching 9/11 news specials, which is scarier than any horror movie I could be watching. I will never not cry over 9/11 and as horrific and tragic as it was, it feels so necessary to me to face it every year and mourn all over again. It’s the true American Horror Story. I will never forget where I was, and who I immediately wanted to be with when news broke: I wanted to be with Henry. 

The same Henry who just shook his head and asked, “Why do you torture yourself with this?”

BECAUSE IT HAPPENED AND WE SHOULD NEVER FORGET. 

I mentioned in the Liveblog yesterday that we visited some Roadside America sight called Jerry’s Junk before the show last night. 

At a quick glance, it’s basically some dude’s private collection of lawn jockeys and old bikes, you know the type of junk. And while it seems like it’s all strewn about in arbitrary assortment, you start to notice that everything is in its place, and Jerry probably for sure knows where to find every last horseshoe.

We peeked in some of the windows and each room was stuffed with old shit. Mannequins. Disco balls. Yard flamingos. A suit of armor. From the various accounts I’ve read online, Jery also owns four other houses in the neighborhood, and they’re all stuffed to the gills with more rusted oddities. 

Henry was annoyed that I made him take us here, but I noticed he was strolling about at a leisurely pace, one hand behind his back like he does when he’s feeing peaceful, stopping here and there to get a closer look at things. (Probably airplane shit.)

Chooch loved it because he got to play I Spy. 

And then I explained to him about how those lawn jockey statues are racist so then he became angrily obsessed with them. 

An educational experience!

Jerry didn’t appear to be home. Various Roadside America tips said that speaking to him makes the experience even better, and I don’t doubt it. I love eccentrics! And if we’re being honest with each other here, I kind of saw my future in this place. 

I LOVE COLLECTIONS. 

Later that night, we were at the Artifex Pereo, talking to the drummer Cory. He asked if we had gotten a chance to see much of Louisville and I excitedly blurted out, “Just Jerry’s Junk!”

He waited a few beats and then said, “Oh…is that the guy who lives on Frankfort? With all the shit in his yard?”

God yes! That’s the one!

And on the way back to the hotel after he show, our Lyft driver Nicholas asked us the same question, at which point I enthusiastically shot forward from the backseat (well Henry internally groaned) to tell him “WE SAW JERRY’S JUNK!!!” 

Again, this was met with a few seconds of silence as he processed this information. Once it dawned on him what Jerry’s Junk is (maybe the locals call it something different? That Jerkoff Who’s Distracting from the Trendy Gentrification of the Neighborhood With All His Rusty Relics?

“Oh that guy! My girlfriend and I were there once and he came out to show us an Indian doll he had just got, that still had all its bits–he pulled down its pants to show us!”

Ugh, why couldn’t that have happened to me?!

I was on the phone with everyone’s favorite frowner this morning, waiting to cross the street, when I heard from behind me, “Excuse me. Excuse me! Cat girl!”

At first I thought this person was calling me a fat girl, and I was ready to swing my purse at him, but then I remembered I’m wearing my cat blouse today. 

I sighed, took the phone away from my mouth, and gave him the attention he so desperately craved. 

“What time is it?”

The man was probably in his mid-to-late 40s, looked a bit like a disheveled, moderately slow David Letterman. Dressed in a t-shirt, cargo shorts, and sandals. 

I told him it was 7:49. 

“Ugh, really? Because they’re supposed to open at 7:30,” he said in a vague whine, gesturing over his shoulder to the R-Bar. 

Let me just say that while I enjoy getting grimey in the occasional dive bar, this is one bar I would probably never patronize. Even though it’s conveniently located a mere block from my house. 

(I think. I always get confused when it comes to blocks.)

I shrugged and said I was sorry, I couldn’t tell him why they weren’t rolling out the cigarette ash and peanut shell-encrusted red carpet for him when it was already 7:49 in the motherfucking AM. 

Hoping this would satisfy his urge for human contact, I began to pivot back toward the road. 

“Where are you going dressed like that, anyway?”

STOP. DO NOT ENGAGE. YOU KNOW BETTER, ERIN KELLY. 

Still, the words rolled out of my mouth like an unraveling Fruit By the Foot. It was too late to stuff them back in. 

“Work,” I answered in a cheerful voice I didn’t recognize me because now I was clearly possessed by the Demon of Small Talk. 

“Wow! Where do you work?!”

Guys, I’m wearing a freaking blouse thing with cats on it, and jeans because it’s Jeans Day. I’m not wearing hot pants and nipple tassels so I’m not sure why my attire was so fascinating to him other than the fact that he was probably already drunk. 

So now I’m second-guessing every decision I made since waking up that morning. Was I dressed inappropriately for work?! DID I LOOK LIKE A FOOL?! I mean, these are questions that you could probably answer yes to on any given day but this guy just made me feel like I was under a spotlight and should I go home and change into a cardigan??!! 

Well, I couldn’t go home because guess who doesn’t currently have a house key, so I guess the Law Firm people will just have to suffer through a day of seeing me in a CAT SHIRT. 

In spite of my better judgment, I mumbled, “A law firm” and then I turned and JAY-WALKED across West Liberty Avenue and you all know how much I hate jay-walking and how terrified I am of crossing the street when when the “ITS OK TO CROSS NOW, CHILD” light is flashing. He was just beginning to lean in too close to me and my paranoia was turning my mind into a flip book of crime scene photos. I guess if I was going to die today, I’d rather get hit by a car than sodomized and stuffed in a suitcase by some early rising wino. 

When I resumed my conversation with Henry, he was already laughing. “What was that all about, were you getting hit on?”

Yep, by all the best locals. 

I walk-ran to the shuttle stop, which is another story for another time (there’s an Old Broad that I’m at war with). A few minutes later, just as the shuttle pulled away from the curb, I saw Drunk Letterman shambling toward the sidewalk I had been standing on 45 seconds prior. He stopped right in front of Albert’s Bar, also not open yet. 

By the time I made it to work, I was fucking exhausted. Talking to strangers is so hard. 

I wonder where that guy is drinking right now?

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Why is everything so terrible. This whole year has been rife with death and bad news, and today a friend got realllllllly terrible news and I’m just so sick of this year! Enough is enough! We’re all crying Uncle!

So here, watch my dumb cat Drew listening to The Lost Boys for 60 seconds because cats are good. 

Hug someone. Tell someone something good. Tell me something good—please!

First day of fifth grade, how did it come to this? I literally have to do nothing now in terms of getting him ready for school. Like, I wake him up. That’s it. No more micromanaging.

His friend Dimajio arrived early so they could play Xbox, just like last year, so at least some things are the same.

Omg I’m going to start crying on the trolley.

“Let’s try to go the whole year without the school calling,” I said to Chooch, hugging him goodbye on the sidewalk.

Dimajio laughed. “Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to happen!”

Ugh, me either.

This concludes the obligatory “how did my kid get so old/where did the time go/lets go back five years” post. :(