I’m trying to cherish (or whatever, what an old person word) these weekends as much as I can before the dreaded winter is upon us and cabin fever sets in. Sometimes it’s nice to sit around the house doing nothing, but we were barely home at all this weekend and I’m not mad about it at all.

Saturday was spent cruising around in the rental (because Henry WRECKED MY CAR, in case you forgot). It was such a stupidly beautiful day, so we took a drive out to this weird toy store in Butler so that Egghead Chooch could get some puzzles while constantly reminding us that he’s gifted.

OK WE GET IT. I COULD HAVE BEEN GIFTED TOO BUT MY MOM OPTED OUT ON MY BEHALF.

SO WHATEVER CHOOCH.

I think my favorite moment was when we ordered a bunch of shit at Sheetz and then left Henry in there to wait for it all. Chooch and I have really got a great system worked out.

At one point, “Tiny Raindrop” by Balance & Composure came on (um, probably not randomly) and I blurted out, “I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH I WISH I COULD WEAR IT!” Which was met with the king of all sneers from Henry.

Being in such a rural area, we saw our share of Trump signs, that’s for sure. Chooch was getting increasingly agitated by this and now I’m wondering if he has a political career in his future. I have never seen a kid with his finger pressed so firmly on America’s pulse!

When we came home later that evening, he was stoked to see that he got mail. #HesWithHer

And I capped off Saturday night by trying to drink beer while watching the Penguins obliterate the Sharks. WHAT A NIGHT.

Sunday was great too! I mean, I wore my CRJ Emotion tour shirt so obviously the day had no chance at sucking. Plus, I’ve been super emo lately (more in a lovesick teen way than a dark, suicidal fog of despair way, for once—this is what happens when I fall in love with a band). Henry has had his hands full.

We dropped Chooch off at piano and went to the Allegheny Cemetery for a stroll. Henry was fixated on how overpopulated the place is with geese (there really was an obscene amount honking about, even more than I’ve ever seen there, should we be concerned) and he started talking about how “they” should feed the geese to the homeless people and I was like “HELLO REMEMBER WHO YOUR AUDIENCE IS, ASSHOLE, THE GIRL WHO WON’T EVEN KILL A FUCKING STINK BUG, THANKS.” God, Henry can be so callous sometimes!

But then we talked a lot about something I’ve wanted to do with my life for at least the last 15 years, and Henry was all, “If that’s what you want to do, then let’s do that’ and it was one of those moments where I took a step back and really looked at him and felt so HASHTAGBLESSED to have found someone who lets me be me and even kind of supports my insanity from time to time. Sometimes I get too farsighted and forget to focus in on the good shit that’s right in front of my ugly face.

Of course, this beautiful Hallmark moment was set aflame when I asked him what kinds of girls he likes and he quickly mumbled, “Obviously annoying ones.”

Oh bae.

Picked up Chooch and went to visit our friend Patty who is currently battling cancer. She’s in a nursing home, getting some good physical therapy and kicking all the old people’s asses at Bingo!  We hung out in her room for about an hour and a half and it was so good to see her face!

Chooch perused the activity calendar and I think I might have to drop him off for a few upcoming events.  Patty dared him to start walking into random rooms and calling people Grandma and I was like, “Go ahead, but then you can stay here with your new grandmas.”

Henry had the afternoon to ourselves while Chooch was at a birthday party, so went shopping and to King’s (all the hot dates happen at King’s). Henry was so mad because the whole place was empty and the waitress told us to sit anywhere, so of course I picked the one booth that would put Henry in direct contact with the sun.

GOD, LEARN TO DRAW THE BLINDS THEN, MOTHERFUCKER.

It never ceases to amaze me that Henry and I are still together. On paper, we just DON’T WORK. But we have managed to avoid the dreaded “Dinner in Silence” that I see happening around me all the time when we’re out. Good job, Henry! Way to not bore me!

Finished the weekend by forcing Chooch to write on my blog, and then watching The Walking Dead. OH AND HENRY SAID WE CAN GO SEE BALANCE AND COMPOSURE.

All of these nice weekend things made Monday hurt so much more, ugh.

Castle Blood

So Castle Blood had a different theme this year, it was called The Witching Hour. There were two witches who were sisters in this town and they knew a lot about the environment and the villagers didn’t like that so they either banished them from the town or burned them I don’t remember. They weren’t witches then but now they are sooo… They needed us to find them a cat, a vat, and a hat. So ya.

The first funny part was when Shard (castle blood guy who’s mean to me every year.) kept telling me to go to the back of the group (oh yeah and Blake and Haley were there) also Shard kept making fun of Blake because he was being dumb. Then the next cool/funny part was in the funeral room because there are always puzzles in it and this time it was a tower puzzle and Blake, Haley, and I did it. There were holes at the bottom of it and sticks at the top of it so we had to figure out which piece goes on which. It was made to hold in the soul of the dead person.

Then there was an outside part where there was a guy locked up in a chair and he was asking for my cat eye (that I got a little bit ago) and although this wasn’t important I just wanted to prevent this from being super short. So then basically those were all of the important parts and yeah we got our fangs here da picture!

So on a scale of 1 to 10 I rate it 9 because there should be more things you need to get and more puzzles.

Sewickely Haunted Church

So right when we get there, there is the Psycho soundtrack blasting from a speaker. Then we went in and I bought a candy bar. With the wrapper me and mommy played hockey and she kept flicking it towards the screen that was playing a movie. Then when we finally got to go in the small tent that was there was a girl clown who was over enthusiastic because she was screaming and kept saying to me “Do you see that?!?!?!?!?!?!” There was this part where there were little girls screaming at the top of their lungs so I just ran out of there as fast as I could. There was also this part where a gorilla blowup thing hooked to the ceiling came sliding across the ceiling right at mommy’s face.

So I rate this one from 1 to 10 an 8 because it was really short.

I can’t remember the exact moment that Chooch’s costume lightbulb went on above his brainy head, but it was definitely fairly soon after Halloween 2015. He was going through a Smashing Pumpkins phase, and casually decided that he was going to be a bullet with butterfly wings for Halloween.

At first, I laughed really hard and gave it my Great Costume stamp of approval. Also, what a novel concept – knowing what he was going to be with ample time to construct the costume. Had this ever happened before?!

NO.

But then reality set in and I remembered that perhaps not many people would understand it, you know, since it’s not 1995/1996. So Henry and I tried to subtly change his mind, and really—how shitty of us. I’m glad that Chooch was committed to his idea and didn’t let us sway him.

Flash forward 8 months. It’s a week before Halloween and Henry still hasn’t started working on the bullet. I kept saying things like, “This isn’t going to be finished in time, is it?” to which his response was supposed to be, “OF COURSE IT WILL BE, ERIN!” and not, “I don’t know. Maybe not.”

Spoiler alert: Henry worked a miracle and got it done! At the last minute though, he scrapped the paper mache bullet tip he made because it looked too dildo-esque, and instead opted for a large balloon (the punching kind) which he spray-painted silver. It looked much better!

We waited until the day before to get the wings. We try to be as DIY as possible when it comes to costumes, but I was willing to splurge on the wings because I just wanted this to be done. So we went to Party City after Chooch’s piano lesson on Sunday.

SIDE STORY, unrelated to Halloween:

For as long as I can remember, I do this thing where I walk into a store or restaurant ahead of Henry and pull the door shut on him. It’s like my thing, and it pisses him off so much.

And our visit to Party City was no different. I walked in ahead of him and, without so much as a glance behind my shoulder, I shoved the door shut behind me. I mean full-force, as aggressively as possible, I gave that fucking door a Hulk slam.

I heard Henry say, “Erin!” but it sounded further away than it should have. So I slowly turned around and realized that there was a small woman behind me, looking totally stunned from having a GLASS DOOR SLAMMED SHUT ON HER. Fucking Henry had let her go ahead of him and then stood back to see how it would play out, what a motherfucker!

So then I was put in this terrible social situation where I had to profusely apologize to a stranger while trying to explain to her why that happened, how it’s just what I do, until I heard the words I was saying and realized I was making it so much worse.

SO MUCH WORSE.

Oh, Henry loved every moment of it.

I mean, it was bound to happen eventually.

Anyway, Chooch got his wings but not the pair I wanted him to get but whatever, DON’T LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER.

****

This year was Chooch’s last Halloween parade at school. I was kind of sad about it, but it isn’t how it was when I was a kid. The classroom parties aren’t shit because there are so many restrictions, and so many costumes are against school policy. So basically the parents gather around outside the school just to watch a 15 minute parade, where only some of the students are in costume because HALLOWEEN IS DYING, ISN’T IT?? Oh I just can’t stand it.

But, speaking of school policy, Chooch could 100% not dress up as a bullet at school. I mean, I didn’t need the rules and regulations paper that was sent home last week to remind me of that. So in my effort to find him an alternative costume that still involved his wings (they were $20 and I intended on getting as much use out of them as possible!), I found this lame social butterfly get-up, which I’m sure has been done to death at hipster Halloween parties, but it was a hit with the elementary set.

So easy! And I can say that because I threw a huge temper tantrum Sunday night and went to bed at 8:30 on purpose so that Henry had to print all of the social media icons out, LOL I win.

Chooch loved it! Especially when he got to rip the musically icon off his shirt afterward and give it to his crush. Ugh.

Meanwhile, this just served as yet another reminder that I will never fit in with other parents. 

Oh! AND I GOT TO SEE HOT GYM TEACHER. Totally worth rubbing elbows with basic moms. 

****

Later that evening, Henry came home from work and finally finished the damn bullet costume. I’m not exaggerating – it was 5 minutes to trick or treat o’clock and Henry was hot gluing one last thing to it.  Fucking amazing. 

Originally, Chooch and Dimajio were going to go together but then Dimajio had to go over his cousin’s or something, I don’t know. I don’t keep track of kids. It was just as well, because Henry and I had to tag along with Chooch anyway because he can never Chooch a costume that doesn’t require handlers. We had to tie his shoes, make sure he didn’t fall down steps, get candy for him if it was in a bowl on the ground which required him to bend, fluff his wings, make sure he didn’t bust the balloon-top of the bullet….

It’s a tiring, thankless job. 

It always puts us in the SMALL TALK crosshairs with other adults! That’s my least favorite part!

After a quick photo with the neighbor kid, we tentatively made our way down the street. I kept hissing things like, “This was a terrible idea” and “We should just go back to the house and he can wear the pig mask instead, we’ll think of something.” I was just so worried that he would get made fun of or just be completely disappointed that no one understood his costume. 

But Henry assured me it would be fine and to stop whining before I gave Chooch a complex.

And it was fine! Papa H Knows Best, everyone! He didn’t get made fun of at all, and there were actually A LOT of adults who were like, “OH I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.” 

It helped that he was also wearing a Smashing Pumpkins shirt and was carrying a portable speaker that was playing the song on a loop. 

Even one of my mom nemeses started cracking up and said, “I get it. I love it.”

So he was pretty damn proud of himself. 

One guy was like, “Let me guess….Iron Butterfly?” 

“Close! It’s a music reference but you got the wrong band,” Henry laughed. 

This was actually a fun game! We were like a traveling quiz show. 

“He’s a bullet….but I don’t know what the wings are for!” one old lady grunted to another old lady after Chooch left their porch, and I just started cracking up. 

People were actually excited for him to finally get to their house so they could try to guess what he was supposed to be! “These are the best kinds of costumes,” one lady said in between sips of beer. “We want to have to figure it out!”

At one house, I told the people that we had tried to talk him out of this costume idea but he was insistent. 

“Well, good for you!” the one mom said to Chooch. And she’s right—good for him! I never would have had the confidence to pull something like that off when I was his age, no matter how badly I wanted it. Chooch is my fucking role model. 

He got a few people who said “this is the best costume I’ve seen tonight” and one guy gave him a knowing nod and declared Chooch the winner of Halloween. 

I’m pretty proud of him for coming up with this and sticking with it. Even though we had to constantly adjust his wings and do damage control. Perhaps Henry could have SPENT MORE TIME working on the LOGISTICS of the damn bullet. 

A photo of Henry making sure Chooch doesn’t perish inside his bullet. 

 https://instagram.com/p/BMPi3szgHMt/

But….next year, I’m handing him scissors and a sheet and telling him to go to fucking town.

************

We walked down the street to Eat n Park afterward for dinner*. “I Missed Again” by Phil Collins was playing, so of course I had to loudly announce this, as is my forever-custom when I walk into an establishment that’s full of the sweet note-blossoms that churns forth from Sir Collins candied-throat.

“Oooh! I should go as a Phil Collins song next year! ‘In the Air Tonight’ maybe?!” Chooch shouted excitedly, to which Henry and I were like:

*(And yes, I pulled the door shut on Henry when we walked in. “You’ll never learn your lesson,” he sighed.)

I’ve been fangirling over Baseball Card Vandals consistently for the last two years. I’m always dropping hints to Henry, giving him easy opportunities to be a good boyfran by buying me my very own BCV original. Sure I could buy one for myself, but I LIKE TO PLAY GAMES OK. 

Anyway, I sent Henry a screenshot of a Phil Collins BCV, added a bunch of prayer hand emojis, etc etc. but his response was a screenshot from their website that said “sold out.” SO SAD. I was just starting to bang out my FUCK YOU HENRY text missle when he followed up with another text — HIS BCV RECEIPT. 

WOO! 

I know, it seems so fucking stupid but Baseball Card Vandals brings me so much joy with their irreverent humor and middle school-level dick jokes and now I have my very own!

Thanks, Henry! (I still want to go to Cleveland next week to see Balance & Composure though. The purchase of this card did not get you out of that.)

Anyway, this post was brought to you by the legendary Face Value album,  a Halloween candy sugar high, and a general malaise for blogging. 

I listened to this song yesterday ALL DAY LONG ON REPEAT. Synth pop/darkwave/coldwave is the music that resonates the most with me, contrary to popular belief. (I love my posthardcore and emo but this is the shit that really cuts me to the core.)

The Black Queen sounds so much like it should have been on the label A Different Drum back in the late 90s, when in actuality the debut album just came out in the beginning of 2016—it’s the side project of Greg Puciato (Dillinger Escape Plan) and Joshua Austus (Telefon Tel Aviv, ex-NIN & Puscifer) and it absolutely reeks of rotted, decomposing beauty. 

Anyway. This song in particular makes me think it’s 1999 and I just moved into my house and have tons of candles around me as I lay on the cold hardwood floor, drinking cheap Manischevitz and crying.  BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I DID BACK THEN. 

AND THAT’S WHAT I DO NOW TOO. 

Except that now I have way less room on account of acquiring furniture and psycho cats who will likely start a fire if I lay out candles on ground-level and a dumb Henry  who will yell at me to grow up and get up off the floor. 

So this one was strange… We thought “Oh… This will be just some ordinary haunted house like every other one.” But this one differed from the rest, you ready? Okay I don’t care if you’re not ready or not. Okay so you are ready? Good! Well we had to wait IN LIKE 5 DIFFERENT LINES. But guess what it wasn’t really worth it (it kind of was) because it was super short but it was also really cool. So if i hadn’t mentioned we went with Haley and Blake. Fun Fact: Haley scared of clowns. Okay so the lines were the worst but when we finally got in to the freaking haunted house there was these guy who is very creepy because he is very happy. So apparently he was supposed to be a teacher and he was telling us about what is happening so the first part we entered was a classroom of course and there was a lady who was creaming and saying “Who took my chalk?” and “Did you take my chalk?” Then when we confessed and all said “No.” and then left, some “Student” screamed at the top of her lungs and I passed out. (lie)

Then there was a clown room and Haley told me not to do anything like say she’s afraid of clowns. And  I said I wasn’t, and I didn’t. Then there was a gorilla that scared us and Haley said “AHHHH Harambe!” (Pronounced – Hair- Om- Bay) Hint: She said it wrong. And I mocked her. So those were all of the Important parts of Crawford Haunted School!

Comment “Vote L34RN” in the comments if you liked this one!

Shadows Haunted Trail:

So there were no pictures for this one so just IMAGINE! So daddy was too scared to come with us so it was just me and mommy going. We didn’t wait long we went in basically right away because there was no line. So there was like an empty spot for like a 1/4 of a mile, so the first one was some like graveyard thingy and the scare people were like really young, like 20 something, and they were nice they said “Boo, So was there a long line? No well it’s not a very crowded day. Oh, Close the door please. Thanks!” so then there was this empty space yet again. The next part was creepy there was “one” girl” in the middle of strobe lights so she disappeared every second, then in the darkness of the strobe appeared another girl from behind her and they said “Chase me!” so we did and they jump-scared us (mommy keeps saying I had a crush on them, I DIDN’T) they were like 12 or 13 I think, maybe 15. Then we caught up to them and they were standing around a fire and then we tried to leave but they blocked us and said “Where are you going?” and i tried to run and they screamed at the top of their lungs.

The next part made mommy scream so loud that it scared the guy who scared us. He said “You made my heart race, you scared me!”  The next part was some Jason part and when we got we ran because we thought Jason was going to scare us but no. No Jason to be found. Then there was this guy who followed us and said “I don’t leave food behind, kinda like how you wouldn’t leave Chicken McNuggets behind at McDonalds. Then he said I don’t eat children I eat about 22-ish people like you. And he looked at Mommy. She said “Awwww thank you! I’m actually 37.” and he said “I try to be as politically correct as possible.

So that was the Shadows Haunted Trail.

Comment “Vote W00D5” if you liked this one!

As Henry is over here in fullblown He’s Crafty mode, preparing for this year’s Halloween disaster, and I’m SICK thanks to my dumb kid, I figured I would post a Halloween costume retrospective because isn’t that what the true, professional bloggers do? Recycle content?

2006: Ice Cream Cone. God, those were the days. (Here’s a reprisal of that costume. At least I got my money’s worth.)

2007: Hobo? I guess this was a hobo. This costume cost nothing except for the black makeup stick we bought at the Halloween store.

2008: Frankenstein. Why am I having a hard time remembering this costume? (I do remember that the makeup job sucks because I was still at work when trick-or-treating was starting so dum-dum Henry had to apply it. Good job, Henry.)

2009: Jason Voorhees. He was OBSESSED with Jason when he was 4.

This was also back in the days when I knew how to use my camera even less than I do now, if you can imagine.

2010: Psycho Clown!  This was another one that cost nothing because I already had that shit on hand from a photo shoot I made Christina do.

2011: Zombie Justin Bieber. This one kind of flopped, as evidenced by the ZERO people who could tell what he was supposed to be, haha.

Also that year, we went to a Halloween party so Chooch and I dressed up in our PJs and went as a Zombie Sleepover.

And he was a Zombie Dweeb at the Zombie Carnival at Monroeville Mall.

2012: Daryl from the Walking Dead. If you ever need to dress up as someone that no one will ever guess, come to me for ideas. I’m apparently chockful of ’em. (Seriously, that year’s Halloween really stressed me the fuck out.) You know what was awesome? Daryl became a wildly popular costume the next year, and Spirit Halloween was just LOADED with zombie ear necklaces, crossbows, and Daryl vests. Ugh to the infinite power.

2013: Post-Apocalyptic Claw Machine

Honestly, this one almost caused Henry and me to get fake-divorced from our LOLmarriage.

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2014: Kevin Bacon

This was my favorite because it was soooooo easy. None of the kids understood it but it was a big hit with the adults!

2015: Death By Stereo!

I don’t give a shit how few people got this costume, I was so proud of him for coming up with this idea on his own because The Lost Boys is the best.

It has yet to be determined if 2016 will be a win or a fail.

I’ll leave you with a photo of him looking evil on just a regular day. Have a good weekend, boyyyy!

Sometimes I go to a show and feel like a whole new person when I leave.

I was already planning on going to the Joyce Manor show at the Rex on Monday, but  I was nervous. I was relatively sure I knew what the crowd was going to be like, and that I would probably be fine, but I was going alone and was I ready to jump back in so soon after such a miserable night in Columbus?

LOL, yes I was ready. Sure, I was still furious but I wasn’t going to let a bunch of drunk Ohio bitches ruin every ensuing show for me. So Henry dropped me off at the Rex after work and I stood in line with all my people, and I felt like this was where I needed to be. Around all these people who were there for the same reason as me.

Decent humans.

And guess what — some of them were drinking, but because everyone was there for the music and not to drink their faces off while making rhythmic vagina offerings, there were no tense situations or people to brand as douchebags or assholes. The whole night felt like one, long, stress-relieving sigh.

As such, I don’t have much to report!

But let’s get the one and only downside tof the whole night out of the way, and its a pretty mild, non-complaint: I didn’t love the opening band, Crying. They’re a Run For Cover band, so I didn’t stumble into this blindly by any means; I knew what to expect and I had a feeling that seeing them live wasn’t going to push two puzzle pieces together in my brain, making me magically fall in love with them. But, I didn’t necessarily dislike them, either! It just wasn’t my style of music (kind of lo-fi, 90s twee…I don’t know, I’m not good with this type of music!) but I really honestly did enjoy watching their singer—she was fucking adorable and gave good, awkwardly sincere banter. Maybe one day they’ll click for me, and make the Run For Cover puzzle in my heart one are closer to completion. 

Whatever that means. 

And then: The Hotelier.  I stood to the left of the stage all night and no one bothered me. No one loudly spoke about sports or their relationships or Luluroe to their friends while the bands were playing. No one was mean or hateful. It was just a bunch of people who were super intense about these bands, all in one room together, sharing one long, special moment.

I have wanted to see this band for awhile now and always miss them. But tonight was my time and it was a goddamn delight. 

Even the singer of the Hotelier paused in between songs to comment on how attentive everyone was. I could honestly hear people around me breathing, that’s how quiet it was in between songs, like we were in church, hanging off every note and word.

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If the Hotelier gave GREAT spiritual foreplay….

…then Joyce Manor brought the motherfucking homily. 

That room fucking blew up with emo passion-crackers when the opening note of Heart Tattoo was strummed and the crowd never lost an ounce of verve after that. 

So many fists in the air, so many stage divers, so many earnest singalongs. I felt like I was home, with my people, taking a fucking Communion wafer right on the tongue. 

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^^^Fuuuuuuck. 

I can’t tell you why….maybe it’s one of those feelings or concepts that has no corresponding word in the English language, but I left the Rex that night feeling like something had shifted inside me, like I had just experienced pure, unadulterated beauty at the same time as several hundred other people, and we all knew it. 

Sometimes I go to a show and feel like a whole new person when I leave, and this was definitely one of those shows.

****

Snagged this limited edition tour screenprint on my way out (only 30 were made!) and when I got in the car with it, Henry was like, “Oh boy, another poster closer to living in one giant dorm room.”

He doesn’t get it. Not like you do. Or do you. Tell me you do. 

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It’s been a week. Just…a week. Not good. But bad. Mildly frustrating with some highlights (the Joyce Manor show!) and lowlights (Professional Driver Henry wrecking my car – no one was hurt but now my car is all smashed). I’ve also cried A LOT this week — but it was all over TV shows and music. 

Just a weird fucking week. 

And I can’t tell if I’m getting sick or of my throat just hurts from all the shrieking I did tonight at Shadows haunted trail. (I screamed so loud at one point that one of the monsters broke character and said that I actually scared him and that his heart was racing, and Henry said he heard me all the way from the parking lot. 

So please enjoy this Balance & Composure song which is my favorite from their new album and I think I have listened to it over 87 times in the last two days because it makes me feel all wistful & whatever. HOPE YOU LIKE IT. 

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The new Joyce Manor record makes me want to fall back into a pile of leaves, you guys. Which is perfect since it’s autumn and there are leaves on the ground.  Great timing. 

I’m going to see them on the 24th IN CASE ANYONE WANTS TO GO WITH ME LOL. 

In other news, I’ve spent all weekend concocting devious Halloween plans. I was regretting not decorating at work this year and some of my friends were like YOU STILL CAN, THERE’S STILL TIME. And then a plan came to me,so I literally woke Henry up in the middle of the night to tell him and once he shook off the terror of being violently jostled awake,  he was like “Really? This couldn’t have waited?” LOL NO. DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME.

Which is funny because last night Chooch was outside with his friends and the way I felt when I heard him scream “Wait I have an idea!” is the same way Henry feels when I scream “Wait I have an idea!” isn’t it? 

This was right after they all bought ice cream from the shadiest ice cream man this side of Master P. He had a cigarette hanging from his mouth the whole time and some young broad in the back with him and while it was hard to tell from my vantage inside the house but I’m not certain she was his “business colleague.” 

So weird. 

Good ol’ Brookline. 

Here’s a picture of Drew and me. I have an old church pew/kneeler thing at the front door and she likes to stand it and watch Chooch and his friends play outside. It’s kind of adorable. He’s the only one she will let hold her!

I have shit to do and haunted houses to go to so ciao for now!

Chooch and I were home alone together on Monday. He didn’t have school because of Open House or whatever, so I took the day off since, you know, he’s only 10 and apparently shouldn’t be left alone in the house I guess.

It was pretty anticlimactic though. We didn’t even fight, if you can believe it. I even let him use my phone to play Pokémon Go while we were on the loose in Brookline.

We talked a lot about the election, which is crazy to me because when I was a kid, I gave literally NO FUCKS about politics, but this kid has been enrapt in this election, and he was very interested in the last one too (he used to angrily rant about Mitt Romney and it was hilar). Even before Henry and I started talking about it, Chooch would make passing comments about how much he dislikes Trump, and I think it speaks volumes how many children are voicing their opinions with this. Even when we were at Kennywood, we were standing in line behind several girls who appeared to be around 12 and they were absolutely skewering the man.

The awareness is real.

“Is it OK to call Trump retarded?” Chooch asked me. I quickly said no because that word, ugh that word. It admittedly took me a long time to retire it from my own vocabulary. Old habits, right? So I told him no but I gave him a list of words that he can use, like: racist, misogynist, bigot, homophobe, disaster, sleaze, pervert, uninformed, etc etc etc. And then I used that as an opportunity to beat into his head once again how not to assault women, and most of all, how to just be a decent person.

I want to believe that these things go without saying, because Henry and I certainly don’t sit around spewing hate speak and building walls and grabbing random pussies, but I think it’s important to still have an open dialogue about this because IT STARTS AT HOME. I mean, I’m right about this so shut up.

(SORRY. I’M JUST A LITTLE HEATED LATELY.)

AHEM.

During our walk, we passed by Wyld Chyld Tattoo and if you’re a tattoo enthusiast, you might know that this is the shop of Sarah Miller from Ink Masters. RIGHT HERE IN LITTLE OL’ BROOKLINE. She is masterful at portraits (google that shit, I’m tired of doing it all for you) (j/k here you go please don’t stop reading my blog) and I low key fan girl over her. One time, she walked past me on the boulevard and cheerfully said she liked my purse (the eyeball one that Chooch hates, of course) and it was all I could do to not sound like fucking Bullwinkle when I thanked her.

Anyway, Sarah was standing outside her shop, smoking a cigarette and looking at her phone.

“CHOOCH THAT’S SARAH MILLER” I hissed urgently at the side of his head.

“Ok?” he shrugged. Like what does he even know.

(Other than everything, apparently, as we would learn later that night at Open House when his teacher essentially was like “This kid is the ticket to your future beach house and you gotta get him into SciTech because his brain was built for math and science.” NEWS TO ME BUT OK, TEACH.)

So then I did the whole “SHOULD I GO SAY HI” song and dance but by the time I worked up the courage and we turned around to go back, she had already gone back inside.

I hate myself.

Then I called Henry to excitedly relay this entire episode, to which he responded, “Is that all? Because I’m trying to work.”

UGHHH.

After all of that excitement, we walked to Dormont where I flipped out because they are still doing work on Potomac and the sidewalks are all jacked so we had to go a long, roundabout way, just to get to Fredo’s where Chooch ordered a egg sandwich with no meat and then pouted because he lost a Snorlax or whatever.

(I’m told by other Pokémon experts my age that this is a valid reason to be sad.)

Then Henry came home and we were all like HENRY TAKE CARE OF US OMG WE NEED ATTENTION. 

Meanwhile, this shitty 50 Shades meme keeps going around on Facebook (it’s been ALL WOMEN I’ve seen posting it) and it’s nice to know that while I’m working hard to make sure my son respects women, these assholes are basically unraveling it all by teaching their daughters that it’s OK to be talked about that way because IT’S JUST LOCKER ROOM TALK RIGHT? Who gives a fuck about self-respect.

I was so mad about this that at one point my brain felt like it short-circuited and I just kept saying “Brock Turner. Brock Turner. Brock Turner” over and over.

And yes, I 100% unfriended the idiot who posted that.

Let’s end on a happy note! HERE IS ANOTHER DANCE GAVIN DANCE SONG! I was recently added into a DGD support group on Facebook and I finally feel less alone. I’m with my people now. 

If you changed that 2005 to 2006, this could be about Chooch. 

I made it through the whole debate without a drop of alcohol. Did I win or lose, I can’t tell. 

Pretty glad I’m off work tomorrow though because I feel like I hit my head off the wall too hard. 

Gotta hand it to Trump though for aligning Henry and me, politically, for the first time in the 15 years we’ve been together. Our mutual hatred for that man has our views and ideals all synced up like the menstrual cycle of two college roommates. 

In other news, what a great weekend! 

This is my current favorite Dance Gavin Dance song. I want to get the whole thing tattooed on my face. (OK FINE — SHARPIED.) I told Henry that it makes me feel like I’m going to throw up and he looked mildly concerned until I said IN A GOOD WAY and then he didn’t care anymore. 

It also makes me feel like I’m leisurely swimming through the calm, sparkling waters of the year 2008. 

How is everything they do so perfect? I’m obsessed. I’m forever obsessed!!

Henry told me to calm down BECAUSE I AM YELLING AND KICKING THE AIR NEAR HIS FACE BECAUSE I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS DAMN RECORD. 

I haven’t been painting much these last months because of lack of time and inspiration. But I did make some things for some friends and some random things that I don’t know what to do with. 

Like these guys. I have a story in mind for it but I can’t convince myself to just sit down and write the fucker. 

Bought this ugly portrait of some tow-headed dinglehoffer at Goodwill, and I needed something to  keep me from stress-eating over the weekend so I painted the background green (I mean, you have eyes, probably, and can see that) and killed him. I still have to write the recipe for murder in that book of his and add something to the right corner up there. A hanging plant with the boy’s hairy scalp sitting on it like a cap? Maybe. 

Abe still lives on my mantle, behind Chooch’s bloody baby teeth in a salt shaker, if anyone is interested. 

My friend Angie got married so here’s this. 

Barb loves to quote from Steel Magnolias so I made her this Dolly Parton painting as a pick-me-up, because it’s been a rough year and it’s nice to make your friends feel good! EVEN I KNOW THAT. 

Definitely not feeling very Ham Sandwich AF these days. Maybe I should I switch my Etsy name from Somnambulant Art to Ambivalent Art. 

OR MAYBE THE PIE PARTY THIS WEEKEND WILL REJUVENATE ME. 

In other news, no more shuttle needed to get me to the trolley! The track by my house is back up and running so now I’m starting to see all my old “friends” again, like for instance I’m standing here with Snots right now. Man, fuck that guy. Santa, bring him a fucking handkerchief this year.