I’ve been trying to be more diligent and less negligent of my poor Etsy card shop, noncomposcards. (Probably the same thing could be applied to my kid, whoops, where is he.) Usually what happens is I made a new card or two right before Christmas and Valentines Day, and then I get lazy and forget about it. But I want to be a better shop-owner! So I’m trying to add some fresh new products to the line-up, things that can be used all-year round and aren’t holiday specific.

Things that Grandma might send to Aunt Edna.

So I made these lovely serial killer note cards, similar to the BTS ones I made for my Kpop card shop, but you know, way more sinister and disturbing.

This set includes 8 different killers with a horrific quote of theirs. I’m working on a second set right now which is more retro-themed, so if you’re like the kid who commented on my Instagram post and asked, “Where’s Dahmer” when my caption clearly said, “If there’s someone you don’t see, check back because they’ll probably show up in another set,” you can rest-assured motherfuckin’ buttocks-chewing Dahmer will be there.

But for this inaugural set, we got some good ones! You can’t read the quotes that well in these shoddy iPhone pictures (I’m such a profesh) so I will kindly type them out for below each picture.

Mmm-mmm, that juxtaposition of murderous mug and flirty floral. <3

Ted Bundy – What’s one less person on the face of the earth, anyway?

Ed Gein – I had a compulsion to do it.

Aileen Wuornos – Thanks a lot, society, for railroading my ass.

(This is my personal favorite, btw, so if you buy this set, considering writing me a love note on this card?)

Ed Kemper – I just wanted to see how it felt to shoot grandma.

Richard Ramirez – Even psychopaths have emotions. Then again maybe not.

Albert Fish – I like children. They are tasty.

(My kid walked by when I was making the Fish one and he said, disappointedly, “Wow. Nice, mom.” #success)

John Wayne Gacy – The dead won’t bother you. It’s the living you have to worry about.

SAGE SHIT RIGHT THERE.

David Berkowitz – Hello from the gutters of New York City, which are filled with dog manure, vomit, stale wine, and blood.

(OK this is a stretch but I love this quote so much that I had to squeeze it the fuck on there.)

These cards are smaller than the main ones in my shop which means nothing to you if you’ve never previously purchased a non compos card, so let’s just get technical and say that it’s the A2 size.

8 cards in a set, which means….wait for it…8 ENVELOPES. You are so lucky I understand math!

Go get yourself some! You never know when you’ll need to send a card full of nudes to your prison pen pal or a “WE MOVED” address update to your mother-in-law.

G-Dragon last weekend in Jeju.

I know this is WAY OUTTA CHARACTER for me, but allow me to be melodramatic for a minute and openly wallow in my shallow tears because today was the day of G-Dragon’s mandatory military enlistment. *sob* *sob* *sob*

(This just reminded me of high school when I desperately wanted a Saab convertible because OJ Simpson’s daughter Arnelle had one and my dad was soooo disgusted about that, lol.)

I feel like I did a good job not being super over-the-top about this at work and I put the topic to rest after making Glenn and Lauren look at a picture of G-Dragon with his family.  Glenn actually kept all disparaging comments to himself!

https://metro.co.uk/video/video-bigbangs-g-dragon-enlists-military-1636848/?ito=vjs-link

At least there are 1,000s of videos on YouTube for us VIPs to cuddle up to during these 20+ months we’re without him. Being a kpop fan is really sad sometimes, you guys!

I never thought I would love another artist as much as I love The Cure’s Robert Smith, but somehow this beautiful Korean genius snuck into my heart when I wasn’t expecting it and I’m not mad about it. Maybe G-Dragon seems like just another rapper to you, but to me, he exudes charisma and beauty and sometimes it’s hard for me to even look at him without swooning. I feel super privileged and lucky to have gotten the opportunity to see him last summer, and I wish I could capture the emotions I felt during that concert into a tangible form, and then carefully encapsulate that into a snowglobe so anytime I need a reminder of the happiness I’m capable of feeling, I could just gently rock that snowglobe upside down and watch my feelings float around in a fluid Babylon.

*(I asked Chooch what he wanted to call this set and he said, “Furry. No. Wizard Fox. No! You’re a Wizard, Harry, but spelled h-a-i-r-y, get it?” Ugh.)

Hey guys, it’s been a while since I shoved pictures of my kid in your face. But my mom got him a Spirit Hood for Christmas and I promised her pictures, so blame her and the fact that I finally upgrade my old Canon Rebel after 10 years of abuse and mostly loyal service so I need to get used to this new one over the next month else I lose my temper in Korea and punt the bastard into the East Sea.

(The camera, not Henry.)

So far, it hasn’t angered me!

His shirt says “It’s all about the journey” and when we were walking to CVS later, some broad commented that she liked it and he gloated so hard because people usually are usually saying they like my purse or phone case or rings or tattoos OR ALL OF THE ABOVE because if it that were my shirt, it would have said, “It’s all about the accessories.”

The lady down the street who we don’t know but almost drove him to summer camp one day two summers ago (IT’S A LONG STORY) told him he has nice kicks and it was everything I had in me not to scream, “YEAH WELL I PICKED THEM OUT.”

(Chooch will be in his 50s and still bringing up that time I almost let him get into a stranger’s car. SHE TOLD US HER NAME AND SHE HAS A CUTE DOG, I’M SURE YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE, CHOOCH.)

We were out there for a full 7 minutes and didn’t fight! Well, except for the fight we had right away when I yelled at him for having food on his face as usual.

Thank you for eye-balling these photographs.

Carry on now.

Last week was long, weird, and sad. It was also the anniversary of my Pappap’s death and I just didn’t want to deal with anything. But, life goes on and it’s time to close the book on that chapter! So here’s some notable things of the last several days, kind of notable, sort of notable, who cares — here’re some words.

• Henry and Chooch went to the store Tuesday night and when they came back, I noticed that they were stopped on the sidewalk by Hot Naybor Chris. I was watching from the window, because I’m That Neighbor, almost peeing my pants with anticipation. WHAT WERE THEY TALKING ABOUT?! I accosted Henry before he was even all the way over the threshold (YOU KNOW, THOSE THINGS THAT BRIDES ARE CARRIED OVER, NOT LIKE I WOULD KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT). In a very casual way, Henry shrugged and said, “I don’t know, he was asking me if I’ve seen his garbage.” RECORD SCRATCH. HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE. I had to press Henry for more information and apparently, Chris said when he left the house that morning, the garbagemen hadn’t picked up yet, so everyone’s garbage was still sitting on their lawns….EXCEPT FOR HNC’S!!! He was asking Henry if he saw it because Henry leaves for work at like 3:30AM, but Henry doesn’t normally make a point to see if everyone’s garbage is accounted for. I know, weird. This whole situation made me super excited. WHO STOLE HNC’S GARBAGE AND WHY!? According to HNC, his garbage was nothing special, just actual garbage. Mystery on Pioneer!
• I finally made business cards for my new Kpop card shop and I love them! I gave some to some of my co-workers (not Glenn because he would just ridicule it) and I was happy that people were interested! Amber even asked me to tell her who all the people are on it and then she wrote their names above them. And then I gave one each to Nate and Ethan and we had a spirited conversation about Kpop and they’re considering dressing as Kpop idols for Halloween this year. (But, you know, probably not.)

• I was off work on Wednesday, for no good reason but I’m trying to actually use my days before the “end of the year PTO crunch” where I’m rushed to take off random days so I don’t lose them. I usually don’t like taking a day off if I don’t have something to do, but I’m trying to get used to it. I expected to have a quiet day of kdramas, exercise, perhaps some card-designing, but then later that morning, the sirens started. I was unfazed at first because: Brookline. But then it kept going on for a solid 10 minutes and no matter which window I poked my head out of, Wack-A-Mole style, I couldn’t tell which direction the commotion was coming from.  There were so many firetrucks, etc, that it was surround sound. I called Henry at work because he’s the Prince of Police Scanners, but he was all, “I’M BUSY, ERIN. I’M AT WORK.” The cacophony eventually began to fizzle out, so  finished getting dressed and then set off on my walk to to Dormont post office because I refuse to deal with MAUREEN at the one closer to me. Suck it, ahjummah. As I was walking down my street, a firetruck came barrelling past me, kicking up all kind of dust and debris into my face. My eyes were screaming for a bit, and I talked myself out of writing a letter to the mayor by reminding myself that the firetruck was en route to probably put out an actual fire, so I SHOULD LET IT GO. God, this whole “training to play the part of a rational adult” is really grating my nerves.  I turned left onto West Liberty Ave and after a block of walking, MORE firetrucks roared by, these ones were from Mt. Lebanon. “Oh my, I wonder what’s going on,” some old broad said right as I was passing her on the sidewalk, so I slowed my roll and we talked for a bit about how we hoped it wasn’t a tragedy, and then I looked over my shoulder just in time to see the firetrucks TURN ONTO THE STREET THAT BLAKE LIVES ON. I called Henry ASAP and started screaming at him to call Blake. His half-assed response was that Blake was at work and OK. So I went to the post office and stopped to grab an iced latte at Dunkin’ Dunuts, but I just wasn’t satisfied with Henry’s lame response, so I walked down Blake’s street AND HELLO, THERE WERE EMERGENCY VEHICLES PARKED ALL ALONG THE BLOCK WHERE BLAKE AND HALEY’S BUILDING IS!? Part of the street was even blocked off! So I was like, “FUCK YOU HENRY I’M GOING IN!” and I knocked urgently on Blake’s door. Haley answered it and wasn’t covered in burning cinders, so that was a good sign. She said she and Calvin were fine, but apparently a house at the bottom of their hill was on fire, but she hadn’t seen any smoke. I mean, there were so many fire trucks from all over, it was apocalyptic. Even the NEWS CREW was there, so that’s how you know it was a big deal. So, that was about 457945798425 extra words to say that there was a fire near Blake and Haley but they are OK. You’re welcome for the reading exercise.
  • Also, thank god they live literally 1 minute from my house and I can POP IN WHENEVER I WANT.
    • Just kidding. I’m one mass shooting away from agoraphobia so I rarely pop in on anyone and please don’t pop in on me, either.
    • I wish we could go back to less scary times, like when everyone thought there were staples in Thin Mints. :(
• After the passing of Jonghyun last December, this Seoul-based ring company re-released these commemorative rings that they made after Jonghyun’s first solo win on Music Core (a weekly music countdown show). There’s a soundwave of his voice engraved on the ring, from when he said, “Thank you, SHINee. Thank SHINees’ parents for giving lives to us. I love you, SHINee World.” I had to buy one, and it feels like I’m carrying a piece of him with me. I never take it off my finger.

• In other Kpop news, GOT7 announced the dates for their world tour and Chooch and I desperately want to see them in Toronto this July but Henry hasn’t been convinced yet, and if we do this, then we probably definitely can’t do KCON in June, ugh I hate not having all of the money!

• Here’s a picture of Drew and me, but don’t get it twisted: she’s only near me because her container of treats is right there. Ugh.
• I finally upgraded phones. I had one of those beat iPhones with the degenerate batteries. I would leave my house with a 100% charge, walk 10 minutes to the trolley without even taking it out of my pocket, and it would be at 50%. Then, if I had the audacity to actually text or read the news on the 25 minute ride to work, my phone would be dead by the time I got downtown. Especially on really cold days! Henry thought I was making it up until all the articles came out awhile back, exposing Apple. Rather than go through the hassle of getting a replacement battery, I just upgraded to an 8 a few months early. THIS MEANT I GOT TO GET A NEW PHONE CASE AND YOU KNOW HOW SERIOUSLY I TAKE MY PHONE CASES! So I retired my obnoxious “eye-rolling forever” case (which is totally apropos because I can’t tell you how many times I get yelled at for rolling my eyes, esp. at work) for another obnoxious phone case:

• Upgrading my phone meant that Chooch got my sloppy seconds. He knew that my phone was being delivered on Tuesday, so when he woke up that morning, the first thing he said was, “I GET A NEW PHONE TODAY!” New to him, I guess. He doesn’t have an actual plan, but he likes to use my old, garbage iPhones for game-playing purposes.
• • Late that night, I got a phone call from someone in Etna, PA. I didn’t answer because it was almost midnight and I figured it was probably a wrong number because friends don’t call friends anymore, like ew. But then I got a text that said, “Hey. Is this Erin?” and then I started panicking for clearly someone must have died if I’m getting phone calls and texts at midnight. I went upstairs and woke up Henry and as I started telling him this, Chooch called out from his room, “That was just me!” because he always gets those free phone numbers on my old phones and I should have fucking known this!!!
  • Friday night, he was still setting up his phone and I asked, “Do you have Janna’s number in there yet?” He didn’t so I gave it to him. “I’m going to text her and tell her to play Roblox,” he laughed, because she gets so annoyed when he hounds her about that. “WAIT!” I cried. “You should prank her first.” And that is how we spent an hour of our Friday night, sending Janna creepy texts, texting her her address, sending her the man silhouette emoji, etc etc. Then Chooch called her and breathed heavily and we were peeing our pants because I’m in 6th grade too and pranking people is my motherfucking wheelhouse, man. Then Janna sent me this!!!!

And it’s so funny because that was probably ME who was laughing at the end! I led her on for awhile, and when she mentioned that the call came from Etna, I said, “Maybe it’s the Scarehouse!” because that’s a haunted house in Etna, lol. Anyway, once she told me she blocked the number, I said, “That was a mistake.” And she was all, “?” So I sent her a video of Chooch cracking up and Janna said, “Goddammit.” I can’t believe she didn’t immediately accuse me?! “I mean, I’ve been doing this shit to her since like 1994,” I said to Henry. “Yeah, and now your spawn is doing it,” he said and I think I mistook his tone for pride when really it was disappointment.

• My house was really missing something and then finally I realized it was ice cream cone garland. One of my IG friends commented on this picture and said she wants to be like me when she grows up and I said the secret is to just not ever grow up. And that’s how you can get away with living in a colorful dump decorated with party supplies.

• I will end this with a picture of beautiful Kwon Jiyong at his last fan event in Jeju Island before he enlists in the military this week. But guess what?? I just read that he’s going into the same division or whatever as the actor who played Lawyer Noh on Love In Trouble (Suspicious Partner)!

I mean, it is Caturday, after all.

Mostly I just wanted to post about Chooch’s week-long project: building Drew her dream mansion out of boxes. We always have empty boxes in the house because Henry has an Amazon Prime problem, and when we shop at the Asian market, they put our groceries in boxes instead of bags.

It started out just looking like some weird arcade game. Drew loves to jump in through the window.

I hung around a bit last Sunday at Chooch’s piano lesson because I haven’t talked to his teacher in a while and she is so cool.

Right away, Chooch blurted out, “I BUILT MY CAT A HOUSE OUT OF BOXES” and Cheryl was like, “Man, I remember when I was a kid and realized I could build thing out of boxes. It was awesome.” So I excitedly told her about the frog hotels I used to make when I was younger, where I would take many boxes, tape them together, make doorways, fill it with Barbie and Sweet Secrets furniture, capture frogs and then get so sad when all the frogs subsequently escaped and leap-frogged the fuck out of town.

HOW COULD THEY NOT LOVE THIS MAGNIFICENT RESORT THAT I SWEATED OVER FOR HOURS? I even had a SWIMMING POOL in one.

Chooch had the “Please stop talking” look on his face, so I left.

Chooch built an addition off the side of the estate which features a plastic-covered window so Drew goes in there and taunts Penelope, who at first was leery of the house, confusing it with a jail instead, I guess. Penelope can be pretty hard to impress.

The problem with this ever-expanding pension is that it takes up so much room on the floor and Henry desperately wants to take it to work and toss it in the dumpster but Chooch and I have been getting so much joy out of this! I love sitting on the couch and directing him in the construction process while lifting nary a finger.

Drew also loves to nest under a pile of packing paper.

Henry didn’t know she was in there and accidentally punted her across the floor last night so now we all hate Henry.

Finally, yesterday, we got Penelope to go in the house! There’s a new room off the back (not seen in this photo) and poor Peenlop got stuck in it because she’s kind of chubby and Chooch only catered to Drew’s measurements when cutting doorways.

Drew is so destructive and has caved in the roof numerous times since last week, so Chooch served her an eviction notice last night. She’s as bad as our old neighbor, Boots!

And to end this cat-full post, here are some pictures sent me from yesterday, when he was casually standing in his room and Drew jumped onto his shoulders. She does this sometimes and it’s so bizarre! They have the strangest relationship.

I’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY SHE LOVES HIM SO MUCH!

OK, I have shit to do today.

You guys, Taemin was featured on the Today Show, albeit super briefly, but I’m so happy that an American broadcast focused on someone else in addition to BTS* and Psy while doing a story on Kpop.

*(Look, I really love BTS too but there are other Korean artists out there who are just as good if not better and work just as hard if not harder.)

It was good to see that they touched upon the passing of Jonghyun as well, and the effect that has had on Taemin. Major hat tip to the Today Show for that.

I texted Henry a series of CAPSLOCK screams and his only response to me was, “Calm down.”

I WILL NOT.

************

Also, in other news, today marks one month until we leave for Korea! It’s finally starting to feel more real, especially when I looked over the other night and saw Henry looking up KTX info for Busan.

Sometimes I think about it and my heart starts flopping around so hard that I feel like I could just expire right here and now.

Everyone was healthy last weekend so it didn’t suck! However, we still didn’t do very much because Henry was like, “OMG YOU CAN TELL I WAS SICK THIS HOUSE IS A DUMP” so he wanted to stay home forever and ever amen, even though I was twisting his arm to go out and do shit.

I succeeded in getting him to walk to the post office with me, and then we stopped at CVS on the way back because he needed to buy something boring, like a battery I think. CVS was playing the best 80s soft rock, so I mindlessly zoned out by the Easter candy, wondering who’s holding Donna now.

What I really wanted to do more than anything was take a walk in Homewood Cem and then get some bubble tea but two-thirds of my household were not behind this. And then it started snowing really hard, so Henry was saved by Mother Nature.

I still wanted bubble tea though so Henry reluctantly followed me out the door. We decided to go to Chick’n Bubbly so that he could get some KFC (Korean fried chicken, don’t get it twisted). I had already eaten lunch but when I saw they had tteokbokki on the  menu, I convinced Henry to share it with me which is hilarious and because I inhaled 85% of it on my own. Tteokbokki is probably my favorite Korean food. I can’t wait to try all the different kinds in South Korea!!

(I’m eating some right now as I type this. Henry is a good tteokbokki cook-er!)

Afternoon #떡볶이 with 오빠!

Ah, so fucking good! The only downside is that they were playing dumb American music in there.

On the way home, I tried to make him admit that Taemin’s song make his weener tingle, and he snapped that if I had a weener, I’d probably have a constant erection while listening to Taemin and I couldn’t stop laughing (and also imagining how awesome that would be).

“Would you still like me if I had a weener?” I asked, and believe me you this is not even close to the first time we’ve had this thoughtful conversation.

“I don’t know,” he mumbled. “I have to think about it.”

THAT MEANS YES.

We got home and I bragged to Chooch about how great our afternoon snack was and he was like, “I can’t hear you over the joy I’m feeling from playing Minecraft” – he made a friend in his Saturday Lego robotics class and they schedule Minecraft sessions from Saturday afternoons. The life of Chooch. Then we got sucked into Days of Our Lives for a while because Henry was scrolling through Roku and there was a DAYS section. I casually pointed out that Kate looked scarily young in the thumbnail and Henry was all, “That is not Kate. There is no way” so then he had to play it to see if it really was and three episodes later we totally forgot why we were watching it and I was crying over how old Jennifer Horton looks now and then Henry was all, “Who’s that?” and I said, “Anna” and he said, “????” and I said, “She was the clothing designer who married Tony DiMera and she made Calliope’s light-up wedding dress—-”

Henry was impressed* at how much of my memory is used up on soap opera family trees. Also, Elder John Black looks so much like Glenn I can’t stand it.

*(See also: disgusted and appalled.)

(Lori and I were talking about this on Monday and how the Soap Opera Digest wedding dress issues were always the best ones and I was like, “Yeah, back when I thought getting married was actually in my future” and she was like, “Back when I had dreams.” THANKS FOR RUINING OUR LIVES, DAYS.)

(Seriously though, Kate had so much work done that she looks younger than Lucas and HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE HER SON!!)

I spent a large portion of Saturday evening obsessing over my clavicle. I made Henry google “is it normal for one side of my clavicle to protrude more than the other?” because I was too scared to do it myself. Apparently, yes it’s normal.

That night, we had Family Kpop Workout Hour and it was everything I wanted it to be – I love these nights so much that I never make plans on Saturday nights now if I can help it! (Henry and Chooch are like “please make friends and go out with them on weekends.”)

My clavicle didn’t pop out, thank god.

*********************

Sunday was another good day. We went shopping at the Asian market and one good thing happened and one bad thing happened.

The good: They had jejubes! We bought a bag and I have been happily eating them all week.

The bad: The Nongfu Spring iced tea bottles no longer have BIGBANG on them. I guess the contract is up and I’m sad, but we still several bottle because that’s the best iced tea I’ve even had. (Rose lychee is my favorite, FYI.)

I finished Love In Trouble (Suspicious Partner) at some point over the weekend, so I started watching Cheese in the Trap and had an argument with Henry because he doesn’t believe me that the main girl is the same girl from Goblin, because he has stupid eyes.

Our Sundays are lit, fam.

Henry went up the street to Great Clips (ugh) to get a hair cut. I wanted him to take a picture of Taemin with him to show the stylist as reference, but he said, “NOPE.”

Later that evening, we met up with Blake, Haley, and Calvin for dinner. Coincidentally, Blake wanted bubble tea so we chose restaurants based on that which is how I learned to never again choose a restaurant based on bubble tea. But the subpar meal was balanced out by the good company! It’s always fun hanging out with those guys, and watching Calvin crack up at the mere sight of Chooch was so funny!

Our waitress kept putting food down in front of Calvin and even clipped him in the head with a plate at one point. Safe to say we will never be going back there!

This picture is everything!

We just relaxed the rest of Sunday evening and by that I mean I jogged around the house relentlessly while watching K-Dramas, Chooch worked on the cat house he’s been building out of boxes (Henry totally wants to throw it out but I’ve been egging Chooch on to keep adding to it), and I don’t know what Henry did. I think he made cards and cleaned or something, I can’t really remember. That was three whole days ago.

Ugh, I love weekends.

If there is one thing you can always count on me to have, it’s a notecard set. You just never know when you’re going to find a need to send a card to someone, and I like to keep a variety on hand at all times. Um, I usually send at least one “Sorry I’m an asshole” notecard a year, so it helps if the card is cute because my dumb puppy eyes don’t cut it anymore.

All of this is to say I added some notecards to the Hello Hanguk line over the weekend! Currently, the sole set is BTS, but I have plans to add some other varieties as well as a serial killer set for non compos cards (I’m about 75% done with that one so check back soon murderinos!).

The BTS cards feature a meme/infamous quote from each member.

It’s a really great gift for any BTS Army in your life because they will for sure get all the sayings. Kpop fans spend a lot of time watching videos of their bias groups on V-Live and YouTube, OK?

Me included. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched the “you got no jams” video of BTS on the plane to LA and it cracks me every time.

Each card is so glittery and I’m obsessed with them! I have to find myself some kpop penpals so that I can use these myself. (But more importantly, so I can use the G-Dragon and Taemin ones I’ll be making real soon.)

That BTS “Love Yourself” design up there is also available as a full-size single card! I think it’s an awesome message to spread to all your loved ones, especially when it’s so easy to succumb to bullying and insecurities.

8 cards in the set, and it also comes with 8 envelopes because I can count pretty OK.

Ugh they’re so happy and colorful! You should get a set!

With the most brutal bits of winter over (hopefully), Lunch Break Tales are starting to heat up! Soon, more freaks will be slithering out of the nooks and crannies of Pittsburgh, so my lunchtime walks should be getting more lively here soon.

Until then, here is a small collection from the last week of walks.

1. St.Patrick

On one of my Strip District strolls, I felt the urge to get my church on, so I hung a right past the grocer playing “Sara Smile” and visited St. Patrick where I did some atonin’.

J/K, I was there just there for a minute to take pictures because I was bored.

Old as fuck.

St. Patrick, I guess.

He seems mean.

2. Callous Coat Compliments

Earlier last week, I was standing on a corner waiting to cross the street and talking to Henry on the phone because that’s what you can usually catch me doing while I’m outside around ‘town unless Henry is “busy” and doesn’t answer his phone no matter how many times I hang up and call right back. But on this particular day, I pinned him down and he was obediently listening to me yap about my day, when I vaguely heard a voice calling out to my left about a jacket. I didn’t think anything of it and kept right on jawing off to Henry and just as I was about to step out into the street, the voice grew louder and more forceful.

“I SAID I LIKE YOUR COAT!!!” yelled a very rough looking girl with a neck tattoo who looked like an extra from Orange Is the New Black. She was walking past me on the sidewalk, tugging on her own coat to illustrate her callous compliment.

I quickly gushed a thank you and prayed that I appeased her before she decided to shank me and bloody my damn coat that draws way too much attention.

Shockingly, from a lot of old men. It must remind them of an old beloved couch.

Henry asked, “What the hell was that?”

“Oh, just another fan of my dumb gold sofa coat.”

Random mural from another walk last week. I’m so close to being able to walk to my favorite Asian market but even if I made it, I wouldn’t have enough time left to go inside and buy anything UGH WHY CAN’T I HAVE A 90 MINUTE LUNCH BREAK.

3. Candy Cashola

On Valentine’s Day, I went to Crazy Mocha to treat myself. As I walked to the counter, I noticed a young guy sitting alone at a table, with two giant gift bags at his feet, numerous helium balloons tied to them (the bags, not his feet), and a heart-shaped box of chocolates opened on the table. At first glance, I thought this was a really sweet scene of a dude getting his Valentine gifts ready for his girlfriend or boyfriend. But then I noticed that he was methodically wrapping each bare-backed chocolate with CASH MONEY, DIRTY DIRTY CASH MONEY.

Oh I could have spit up a little in my dirty chai latte. What a poorly-executed idea.

But still….MORE THAN I GOT FROM HENRY.

4. CUTS

On Mondays, I have to take my break earlier than usual because my little group has a meeting at 2pm every week and that’s what time I usually take my walk. Do you know me? I am a creature of habit and Mondays always screw me up because I have to CHANGE MY ROUTINE.

AIGOO!

I was all ready to go out around 1 when I checked the weather (#responsible; see also: Glenn has been purposely steering me wrong lately). I saw that there was a chance of rain, so I went and borrowed an umbrella from the umbrella stash in a drawer behind Marlene.

I can’t remember now who told me about that stash but it has SAVED MY LIFE several times.

In the drawer, there were three umbrellas: a black one, a blue one, and a red one. I almost took the blue one. I had my fingers wrapped around the handle and everything, but then I reached for the red because it’s the smallest one and I didn’t feel like lugging around a large ‘brella if it wasn’t raining out there.

I have reasons, OK? You wouldn’t understand.

So, I went outside and it was not raining, hooray! I went and got a chai latte at Crazy Mocha with zero ordeal, totally low-key for once. Although I ordered a small chai latte and dude gave me a medium one but I was less annoyed as I could have been when I thought he charged me for a medium and was making me a small.  I left with the medium since that’s what I paid for and didn’t feel like arguing that I ordered a small, having him void the transaction, and start over from scratch.

It’s some new guy. He’s OK. But he always asks, “What can I get y’all?” which always makes me toss a quick glance over my shoulder and wonder if he can actually see my imaginary friend!?

Anyway, this story is about a cut so let’s get back to it.

I finally got a hold of Henry after I left Crazy Mocha and he was trying to act all cool like he was so busy and couldn’t talk to me, so after about 10 minutes, I got fed up with his superiority complex and said, “I’m hanging up now” and then hung up before he could respond because I don’t have time to be courteous, and also because it had started to rain so I needed to pocket my phone and deal with the Opening of the Umbrella, of which I have a storied history.

My relationship with umbrellas is torrid.

I was especially unfamiliar with the inner workings of this small red umbrella. It wasn’t the kind where you push a button to unleash the monster. I had to push it up on my own, and once it was completely extended, I had to push down on a metal thing to pop open the umbrella part.

But I didn’t push down hard enough so the top started to come back down and my thumb got pinched inside of it — I am having a super hard time illustrating with words what went down here because I’m not a verified Umbrella Expert and do not know the technical names of the parts of it, OK?

What I can tell you is that it fucking LACERATED the pad of my thumb and a big bubble of blood sprung forth immediately and I screamed out loud and started to panic because I was a twenty minute walk away from the office and BLEEDING. It was stinging so badly.

“Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry,” I kept hoarsely whispering to myself. I knew that there was a fire station nearby, but it was in the opposite direction and I needed to head back to work. So I couldn’t cry to a fireman. For a fleeting moment, I also worried about the scent of my blood-bubble attracting local vampires or maybe a Demogorgon, I don’t know what goes on beneath the city. Do you?

I looked across the street and saw Two Louie’s Market. I considered going in there and asking for a bandaid because surely they have a first aid kit for employees and if I had to buy a fucking beverage, then fine!

But I was afraid that if I stopped walking, I would pass out.

So I just walked back to work in blinding pain, rain pelting down on the umbrella, my non-umbrella-holding hand squeezing my thumb like a tourniquet to keep it from falling off.

Came back to work and started screaming about my injury while bandaging myself with blessedly-large Ikea bandages.

“LOOK AT HOW THE BLOOD IS SHOWING THROUGH!” I screamed to Glenn and Todd, who were trying to process what was happening so quickly around them.

Glenn mentioned something about our meeting being canceled and I was like, “ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!” so I marched down the hall just as Amber was emerging from her office and, thrusting my wounded thumb at her, I said, “This is all your fault! If you would have canceled the meeting before I went out on my break, then I would have went out at my regular time AND THIS WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED!”

“Wow. …sorry?” she shrugged, completely not caring.

Then Glenn or someone suggested that we call the meeting back on so I could talk about my cut and I quickly waved it off. “No no, it’s not that big of a deal.”

I really dislike meetings!

“Was it still raining out there when you came in?” Todd asked me.

“Yeah, raining blood,” Glenn deadpanned.

************

On my way home from work, I noticed that my entire hand hurts now, from my thumb down to my wrist.

“Oh my god, what if I have tetanus!?” I cried to Henry.

“Why would you have tetanus!? When were you last vaccinated for that?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “When I was born?”

“No,” Henry sighed.

Sadly, after going strong for over a month of Saturday Night Family Kpop Workout Hour, we had to skip the last two weeks on account of being too busy fulfilling Valentine card orders and then Henry and Chooch being sick last week. But tonight, we’ll be back at it and I’m so excited!

(I still do Kpop workouts everyday on my own regardless, but it’s way more fun when we shove away the furniture and prance around as a fam.)

So in honor of our tradition resuming tonight, I’m sharing my current favorite Kpop dance workout routine for anyone who wants to give it a try! It’s so fun and helped me get down to a size 6 so it’s legit you guys I swear!

Oh and just because I’m a fucking sweetheart, here’s Henry’s favorite routine:

I know what you guys are thinking: When will Erin tell us about her weekend? She always tells us about her weekend. DID SHE NOT HAVE A WEEKEND?!

Guys*, calm down. I had a weekend. It was just really fucking boring.

*(Read: voices in my head.)

Henry and Chooch were both sick at the same time and I was SO MAD about this! Let’s be real, I don’t really hang out with anyone else but them, and they were in no condition to hangout. Chooch wasn’t too sick on Friday night, at least, so after Henry went to bed at 8pm, Chooch and I got comfortable on the couch and watched the PyeongChang opening ceremonies, because I wanted to see my land.

It sucked that I had to watch the American broadcast though, and when Katie Couric mispronounced “hanbok,” I was ready to throw in the towel.

I know a lot of people think that the athlete march thing is boring as fuck, but Chooch and I like to watch the entire thing because it teaches us about countries we had no idea existed. For a good long minute, we were convinced that “Iron” was a country because our eyes are bad. And we cheered every time a kpop song was played (BIGBANG – “Fantastic Baby,” BTS – “DNA,” Red Velvet – “Red Flavor,” and Twice “Likey”!) and furiously flipped off the TV every time they showed Pence’s fucking pudding face, that guy can go to hell. I’m super glad he sat during the Korean athletes’s entrance – I’m practicing my “eh”s and maple syrup stats for when I pretend to be Canadian next month in Korea.  I hate feeling such shame to be an American.

But….I do.

Sorry, but aside from Shaun White, I have been rooting for the Korean athletes in every event, I don’t care.

(Speaking of Shaun White, watching him win gold the other night was so exciting. I mean, I hate hugs, but if he told me to bring it in, I’d be all like OPEN ARMS by Journey, if you know what I mean.)

(Do you know what I mean?)

So that was Friday.

Saturday was so much boredom. Chooch was down for the count all day and Henry had to work even though he was sick as a dog (which not all Koreans eat, btw). He came home and pretty much went right to bed, so I was on my own, baby. I did A LOT of exercising, K-Drama watching [I’m almost done with Love In Trouble (Suspicious Partner) and it’s so good], coffee-drinking, and major whining.

In the morning, I walked to the post office to mail some last minute Valentine orders that had trickled in. I can go to the Brookline one on Saturdays because MAUREEN isn’t ever there. I guess when you work for the post office for 30 years, you’re exempt from weekend hours. On my way there, I noticed a cluster of people taking up an entire section of the Brookline Boulevard sidewalk, enrapt in what some older lady tour guide (??) was telling them. A TOUR OF BROOKLINE, WHO WOULD PAY FOR THAT!? As I got closer, none of the people moved for me, so I had to fucking walk in a mound of crunchy street snow to get around them. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?” I seethed openly as this happened and at least three of them heard of me. GOOD FOR THEM. While this was happening, I could heard the tour guide explaining to them the history of the Pittsburgh wedding cookie table.

After a positive post office experience, I came back out to a blessedly empty sidewalk and then noticed that they had all crammed inside DeLuca’s Bakery, all 20-something of them, and then it occurred to me that this was maybe some type of cookie walk thing and if so, what a HORRIBLE representative of Pittsburgh cookies that tour guide chose because DeLuca’s fucking suuuuuuucks. Like, they could come to my house and I’ll give them better cookies which is saying a lot considering the last time I baked cookies unsupervised, I put all the dough on one baking thing because I was trying to make a giant marijuana leaf (????) and then all my friends got a stomachache because it was undercooked, obviously. This was a long time ago.

I walked to Dunkin’ Donuts for an iced latte because it was kind of mild that day, in the 50s I think?  Some speedskating thing was on and there was a Korean in it so even though I had my latte in my hand, I hung out by the counter so I could watch it and eventually the young kid that knows us so well that he, honest to god, has a large black unsweetened iced tea waiting for Henry if he sees us walking in, asked me if I needed help and I was like NO JUST TRYNA ROOT FOR MY COUNTRY IN  THE OLYMPICS, BRO, IS THAT OK WITH YOU? YOU GONNA REPORT ME TO TRUMP?

J/K. I just said, “No, I’m just watching this” but then I felt awkward after that so I just left.

Came home and made a bunch of kpop birthday cards and teased the cats.

Henry at least came downstairs long enough to make me dinner, and then later on we went to Target because I wanted to get out of the house and he was just like, “I’m dying, but sure, let’s go shopping for the NOTHING THAT WE NEED.” But isn’t that how all Target trips are? I bought Chooch a strand of Valentine candy heart lights, for Christ’s sake.

Such necessity.

(I’m watching the Olympics as I write this on a rainy Thursday night and I’m crying because South Korea’s Yun SungBin won the gold in men’s skeleton and through my tears he looks like the killer from Love in Trouble! I’m not sure what he looks like to someone with normal eyesight though.)

(Another Olympic aside: I’m not buying into the charm that Adam Rippon is selling and I know that’s like unheard of but I just don’t get it sorry guys*. Also, I don’t really like figure skating that much.)

*(Sometimes I start to believe that I’m really talking to people. Like I’m doing a podcast entirely through thought.)

Sunday was more of the same but at least Henry kind of hung out a little, at one point, but he still slept for SO LONG. I decided to watch some Olympics but the local news people irritated me by talking in Yinzer voices about what kimchi “apparently” is and how it’s “supposed to be pretty good.” 헐!

At one point, I flew upstairs in a panic and asked, “WILL U BE BETTER BY LUNCHTIME HOW WILL EAT LUNCH” and he sickly groaned, “Chill out, it’s only 10:30.”

It’s called THINKING AHEAD, OK?

He did eventually come downstairs long enough to make my lunch, sit down for 20 minutes, and then go back to bed. God, milk it much?

Chooch still had a low fever so he didn’t go to his piano lesson. He spent most of the day resting and that concept is SO WEIRD to me because when I’m sick, I’m always front and center, making sure I don’t miss any action while constantly reminding my roommates that I’m slowly expiring.

Let me tell you just how bored I was: I actually begged Henry to let me go grocery shopping with him that evening. Like, get me out of the house, please. I mean, I guess I could have gone and hung out with imaginary friends at the cemetery, but….

“Are measles itchy?” I asked Henry, scratching my face.

“You don’t have measles,” he sighed.

Wow, grocery shopping is so boring. And Henry chose the 12 Items Or Less lane when he has FOURTEEN ITEMS!!!!

And that was basically the extent of my weekend with sick people.

Well it’s Valentine’s Day and while I’m not all that into it (I just love making Valentines though ok I can’t help it, it’s a sick condition), I still want to take a minute out of my pressing Wednesday business to give my Valentine of 17 years a shout-out because even though I don’t always put it in blunt sentences, I love that big dumb mountain man. I think most people are wise enough to read between the lines and figure that out, amirite?

I don’t know many other men who could deal with my special brand of high maintenance (honestly sometimes I think Henry feels like it would be easier if all I wanted was bling and not constant emotional massaging), erratic mood swings, and psychotic obsessions.

This ahjussi not only puts up with my kpop obsession, but he has filled the kitchen with Korean ingredients and cookware, can name at least two members of a dozen Kpop groups, casually mentions the top three Kpop agencies in daily conversation, knows the names of the entire Running Man cast, and is willingly and excitedly going to South Korea with me next month. If that’s not ride or die, then….I guess I just don’t understand the definition.

But then…is it love, or is it Stockholm Syndrome?

So there’s my bi-annual props to Henry. I guess I’ll be back with another edition in June when it’s his birthday.

Happy Valentines Day, my friends!

My prelude to Valentine’s Day is not a great one. I just woke up Henry and before I even had a chance to say what I wanted to say, I burst into tears.

Impending panic was chasing away his drowsiness by now, and he quickly asked me what was wrong.

“G-Dragon’s military enlistment has been confirmed! It’s FEBRUARY 27TH! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT G-DRAGON FOR 2 YEARS?

MY HEART HURTS SO BAD!”

“Oh for God’s sake, you’ll survive,” Henry said, rolling over and falling back to sleep.

https://www.soompi.com/2018/02/13/bigbangs-g-dragon-confirms-military-enlistment-date/

Seems dumb, but I’m sad. G-Dragon is everything.

Update: I revised the Korea countdown calendar and my work friends are like “oh no.”

Some of you (see also: none of you) have been asking, “Hey, how is that Bob Ross Chia Pet doing? You know, the one you introduced to us a few weeks, promising regular updates?”

Did I ever promise that though?

Anyway, let’s pretend all of the above is real and not a conversation I had with myself over a Korean picnic next to the Han River in my head while riding on the trolley in an effort to distract myself from freaking out at Trolley Dad and his dumb daughter. (“DO YOU SEE THE SUN? DO YOU THINK THE SUN SEES YOU?” Yeah good job teaching your dumb kid to look at the blinding orb of flames in the sky you asshole.

)

Sorry. I’m angry.

Back to Bob.

The box says that we should have seen sproutage on Bob’s dome 1-2 weeks after The Spreading of the Seed-Paste.

  We thought we saw some growth on his neck, because some of the paste oozed its way down there, but then eventually Amber realized it was actually mold.

Of course, everyone glared at me because this was all my fault since I was in charge of setting him up and I’m sorry if my eyeballs aren’t capable of measuring 1/4 cups of water, OK?! I had to work with what we had in the office AND THAT WAS A DIXIE CUP!

I thought maybe moving him back by the window would help, get him some good old Sunny D, you know?

Well, as you can see, it’s been numerous weeks now and he’s just a headful of hardened seeds AND MOLD.

I changed his name to Bob Moss, but in my head, I call him Bob Mo(u)ld because I’m not sure anyone at work would get that reference and I don’t feel like explaining things anymore.

If anyone out there reading this has experience in cultivating a healthy Chia pet, please send me your secrets, tips, advice, plant-prayers. OR DON’T SEND ME ANYTHING I DON’T CARE I’M IN A BAD MOOD!

I’m back again with more lunch break tales because my life is so fucking rich.

The past few weeks, again, have been so inconsistent, weather-wise. On Friday though, Amber came back in from a walk and said it was actually nice out.

“Like, nice enough that I won’t need gloves?” I asked.

“I mean, it’s still kind of cold. You probably don’t need a hat, but I’d still take gloves,” she said, after giving it a second of thought.

I made a disappointed grumble, and Todd said to Amber, “Look, you gotta give her the answer she’s wanting, Amber. And she’s wanting to not wear gloves.”

“Fine, then don’t take gloves,” she said with great exasperation, but I was already walking down the hall with just my coat on anyway.

And….I totally wish I had brought my gloves, fucking ugh forever.

That was just a sample of the daily convos my co-workers are forced to have with me.

Anyway, let’s explore downtown Pittsburgh with some more pictures, SHALL WE?! Starting with one that I took after work and not on my lunch break, look at me, breaking the blogging law.

Market Square. I walk  through here everyday on my way to where Henry picks me up and it’s annoying because I almost always get stuck behind CASUAL WALKERS and don’t you know I’m a speed-walker all day every day? Get the fuck outta my way.

I usually eat oatmeal or Cream of Wheat for lunch every day. Don’t cry for me too hard, this is what I choose to eat because it’s easy and simple and something I can actually handle myself. (Mostly.) But last Friday, I was out of oatmeal and felt like gnawing off my arm, so I stopped at Bae Bae’s on my break. My intent was to just get kimbap to go, but they were only serving kimbap for dinner that day. So I ended up getting the tofu steak lunchbox and had the most delightful conversation with the guy working the counter. I cannot express how much I love this place, from the people to the food to the ambiance, and I want to become friends with them in the worst way. I just wanted to blurt out I’M GOING TO KOREA NEXT MONTH CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT FOREVER?! But I played it cool.

When I went up to get my food, the girl who is always there and I think is one of the owners (#speculation) said, “You’ve been here before, right?” and I was like, “YES LET’S BE BEST FRIENDS WANT TO COME OVER?!” JK I just said yes and then tacked on an overzealous, fan-girly, “AND I FOLLOW YOU GUYS ON INSTAGRAM.”

And as I was leaving, the other guy who is always there called out, “See you later, Erin! Have a good day!” and I was like, “OH I AM SO IN THE CLUB NOW.” JK I’m never in any clubs, not since elementary school when Spring and I had the Animal Rescue Club, meetings were held in the attic of the shed in my backyard, and the closest we came to saving an animal was when we found a groundhog that was probably dead and my mom was all DON’T TOUCH IT IT COULD HAVE RABIES THAT’S GROSS.

:(

We could have been so good at saving animals if dumb parents hadn’t gotten in the way.

I walk through a lot of alleys downtown because they’re fucking creepy and interesting. Some dude was murdered in this one. Well, that’s where his body was found, anyway.

Stupid trolley station thing that I use almost every day. There’s also a free art gallery above it, which is kind of cool I guess but doesn’t take away from the fact that I hate taking the T to work, woe is me.

When I was leaving for my afternoon walk on Friday, I rode down on the elevator with Sue, who half-jokingly said, “Hey, while you’re out, see if you can find Jeannie’s work ID. She lost it on the way back from Proper.” Since I never have a cemented destination in my mind when I step outside, I purposely walked down that particular block and without any effort whatsoever, I found Jeannie’s ID laying on the sidewalk in front of the Benedum. I AM A FUCKING HERO. I sent Jeannie a picture of it and she was like YOU’RE THE BEST and I was like LE DUH. Anyway, I get a reward now, and that’s all that matters.

Sue called me Hawkeye Kelly and I love that nickname because my eyes are actually so freaking terrible!

I treated myself to a bag of parmesan Goldfish from CVS, but I went to one of the smaller, crappier ones in lieu of the decent one I normally go to, and that was sad because this particular CVS reeks of cigarette smoke and sewage. It’s just really bad. But I really enjoy the one cashier who is there often, a young stoner named Cameron who is super pleasant and jovial and ends every transaction by handing over the bag and cheerfully saying, “Enjoy!”

Even when the broad in front of me was purchasing nothing but a pack of Always pads, he sent her off with an emphatic invitation to, “ENJOY!”