Before I start spraying misspelled words down on this page like a n00b with a machine gun, I just want to say that I hope everyone who may be reading this (even hate-reading this) had a wonderful December 25th, whether you celebrate Christmas or not. It’s such a rough time for so many people to get through and that was definitely heavy on my mind all day.

That being said, our Christmas was very lowkey and minimalistic. We do that wasteful thing every year where we feel like OMG THE BOTTOM OF THE TREE NEEDS TO BE STUFFED so we end up buying a bunch of crap that Chooch doesn’t want or need, just to beef it up, and what’s the point of that? It’s useless. So this year, we only got him several small things like t-shirts, a set of vintage Bambi glasses that I found on Ebay because he’s still obsessed with Bambi, a gaming mouse…things that we knew he would actually wear/use. Plus, he’s 12 now and that’s a really weird age. He’s not into “toys” anymore and aside from a gaming PC (big fat nope) there was nothing that he was specifically begging for. I thought it would be fun to give him “adventure presents,” such as a trip to the Science Center the day after Xmas, because Henry kept promising him for years and never actually took him so I got to be the hero which is my whole purpose as a parent. And also, we tacked on an extra day for our “Erin Bought Winner Tickets So I Guess We’re Going to Toronto Now” trip next month so that Chooch can actually see some sights and we’re going to swing by Niagara Falls too, which he’s never been to. Things like this are far more special than a new video game or whatever, and I think he’s finally starting to appreciate that and he understands that the less money we spend on materialistic junk, the more opportunities we’ll have to travel.

(Henry’s reading this and thinking, “But when will ERIN understand that…?” Lol.)

“Patiently” waiting for Henry to get his ass downstairs so he could start opening shit.

The kid is still really into Bambi, like I said, so he didn’t even care that this was:

• not actally Bambi;
• from the women’s section of Target

This fucking ornament came just in time on Christmas Eve, fucking Miles Kimball and their slow-ass shipping. I had to get in it unpersonalized because each hat could only have 8 letters, so I just did it myself. They didn’t have an ornament with two kids on a roller coaster while the dad sat on a bench in the background, so this one will have to do. Chooch loved it and immediately hung it on Trudy’s boob, I mean, bough.

We both love the movie The Lost Boys so when Blvck Cat did another limited run of these shirts, I couldn’t pass it up. Funny story though, I apparently pre-ordered it last September/October and proceeded to forget about it until a week before Christmas when I got an email notification saying that it shipped. What a happy surprise!

We also printed and framed this picture of Henry that Chooch took in Busan – this damn picture made us publicly crack up to the point of tears and you better believe that Henry was not OK with this. I love giving memories as gifts and thought it would be something that could make Chooch laugh on bad days. I made the gift tag say it was from the Ahjussis on the Subway – Chooch said his favorite part of Christmas is looking at what I write on the gift tags, so that made me super happy because it’s such a simple little thing but it somehow became “tradition” along the way. For instance, his ornament was from Dolly Parton’s Big Gigantic Boobs, since Dollywood was the last park we visited.

Chooch’s one big gift this year was Hamilton tickets because it’s in Pittsburgh for the month of January and Chooch LOVES it. I won’t even go into the trauma and stress I experienced trying to get tickets to this fucking thing, but I will say that it was funny listening to my co-workers stress out over it too and I was just like, “Yo, try getting tickets to a KPOP concert, though…”

Anyway, I had a mild nervous breakdown because tickets, even the shitty ones that I managed to snag, were so expensive, but my work friend Lori validated it by reminding me that this is like the Shakespeare of our time and that it’s a major cultural experience for Chooch, so it’s worth it. Then Henry was like, “Um, you paid more for BTS tickets so I don’t know why you’re acting so sick over this?”

Yeah, but it’s different when it’s something for me!

#SelfishErinIsSelfish

“How can we package this so that a really great present starts out as something traumatic?” I wondered aloud, and Henry and I decided that we needed to make a fake minigolf envelope to put the tickets in, so that Chooch would first think he was getting a gift certificate for minigolf which he would HATE after we went to that one minigolf place in Tennessee and he declared that he hates minigolf and never wants to play it again, got mad at us for laughing, and then almost set the place up in flames with the power of his pissed-off mind alone.

So I made this fake minigolf logo which Henry glued to the front of the envelopes that the tickets came in, but I still didn’t feel like this was good enough….

…so then we stuck the envelope in Doll’s hand and wrapped her up in a box for his last present.

When he opened it, he was like, “REALLY” because he fucking hates Doll, but then he saw what was in her hand and his face started to get super red, like, “WE WERE HAVING A GOOD DAY, YOU GUYS, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE ASSHOLE PARENTS” but then when he saw what was inside in the envelope, he was like, “OMG.”

Full disclosure, while Chooch and Henry had a fine day, I still let my dumb emotions and ill-feelings toward the holiday get the best of me and so I stormed out of the house mid-morning, snarling over my shoulder that I JUST WANTED TO BE ALONE so I went for a dumb walk and as I was halfway down Brookline Boulevard, I started to pass the man on foot in front of me and realized THAT IT WAS MY EX-NEIGHBOR BOOTS.

So for half a second, I was WALKING WITH BOOTS.

Wow, that was enough to bring me back down to earth. I went home after that and I was fucking fine for the rest of the day, that’s for damn sure.

Later that afternoon, we decided to go to the cemetery for a walk. Usually, Henry would prepare something small to eat and we would have a quick (and usually, freezing) picnic in the cemetery but we skipped it last year and to be honest, I didn’t even think about doing it this year. THINGS CHANGE, YOU GUYS. It’s OK to eschew “traditions” sometime.

However, on the way to the cemetery, we noticed that Pink Box, a delicious Asian bakery, was open! So Henry squealed the car to a halt and we stocked up on some delicious Asian breads.

This ended up being way better than having our usual picnic because we didn’t have to sit down on the cold December sod to eat, we could take it to go. So, new/revised tradition, maybe!?

Chooch was definitely on board with it!

Freakin’ egg tarts too, son.

It was a really beautiful day, and not too terribly cold either. Plus, we didn’t have a photoshoot like usual so that meant – NO FIGHTING!

Henry took this weird picture of Chooch and me standing in front of the weird maintenance house thing that I’m positive is a hideout for a serial killer.

That night, I was being a spoiled brat and Henry was like WHAT IS WRONG and finally I blurted out YOU DIDN’T GET ME ANYTHING (so, I guess we could consider this a Xmas tradition?) even though he spent all afternoon getting my Mouse Attack light to finally light up:

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A post shared by Erin Appledale (@ohhonestlyerin)

…and I apparently said to him that if he took us to Dollywood for Thanksgiving, that would be my Christmas present which I don’t recall saying but it DOES sound like something I would say in a moment of sheer desperation. Look, I’m not going to lie and make you guys think that I’m an actual adult because I’m not – I’m a big fat bitch-baby who thrives on GIFTS AND THINGS AND STUFF.

So Henry was like, “Oh for God’s sake” and then three days later, Taemin’s Japanese solo album arrived for me:

Yay, thanks Henry oppa!

Also, no Oh Honestly Family Xmas card for 2018, sadly. We were too busy making cards for other people!

So, that wraps up Xmas 2018. Overall, it was a good one and it was extremely pleasing to see that, unlike his mother, Chooch was satisfied with everything he was given, even the really small things.

I guess he has a little bit of Henry’s genes in him after all, lol.

Let’s take a break from Christmas-related recaps and talk about some shit that’s been happening around here lately.

1. NEW NEIGHBORS

Remember how several months ago I was stoked because that jackass guy who always was working on his broke-down cars in the driveway finally moved out and took his junkyard with him? Well he’s been replaced by some old broad and her young adult son who DRIVES A DUMPTRUCK AND PARKS IT IN THE DRIVEWAY. Now, we don’t have to deal with these n00bs other than when we’re being annoyed by that monstrosity in the driveway, but Hot Naybor Chris shares a wall with them and told us that they’re loud and constantly fighting with each other.

I heard the son screaming at someone outside last week and it was actually chilling. He seems mostly like a derelict but who knows if he’s dangerous. I don’t trust anyone!

Haley started to leave a note on his dumptruck recently but Blake made her take it off because he seems like maybe he could be a loose cannon—he apparently came out of his house and started yelling at some of Blake’s friends who were walking down the sidewalk, so that’s great.

I’m dying to start a fight with him.

Henry walked outside earlier today and Hot Naybor Chris’s wife actually WAS fighting with him over the whole dumptruck thing and Henry said she yelled that if he parks it there again she’s going to break the windows with a rock. Lol, #TeamHNCWife

Oh, also, HIS ASSCRACK IS ALWAYS SHOWING!

In other neighbor-related news, did I tell you about the time several weeks ago when I was walking to the trolley and Chooch’s “friend” Rob, a middle-aged man who has lived on this block even longer than me and is notorious for public drunkeness, was walking down his sidewalk to his truck which was parked on the street.  Drunk Rob stopped me and slurred “hey check out my cat” and for a moment I thought this was a ploy to shove me in his pickup truck and show me his weener but his cat really was sitting on the sidewalk.

Whew.

2. BABYSITTERS CLUB

We’ve been babysitting Calvin off and on since yesterday and it’s been fun but good goddamn I forgot how exhausting small children are! I only have so many funny voices and dance moves, you know?

We took him to Eat n Park last night for dinner and it was the first time we took him out in public without his parents so before we went inside, I pleaded with him to not embarrass us and he listened to me! He was super good the whole time and actually ate the food we cut into elf-approved pieces  without hurling it across the restaurant!

(I tried to slip him a black olive but that was a big NOPE.)

When the waitress came to take our orders, we acted SO FUCKING SUSPICIOUS like we were kidnappers.

“What should we order for him?” we whispered to each other. “Does he like mac ‘n cheese?” we wondered out loud. I think a normal waitress would have maybe signaled for an amber alert, because we were acting like we had no idea how to care for a toddler so clearly he was abducted. But this was Eat n Park and those broads don’t pay attention to your empty coffee cup, let alone suspicious behavior.

I definitely think Calvin likes me better than Henry though. He’s been paying more attention to me recently so now I’m obsessed with hanging out with him and making sure that he stays liking me more than Henry.

That’s my end game for everything.

Earlier today, it took all three of us to change his clothes.

3. OH YOU WAIT UNTIL MOM FINDS OUT, BUDDY

I bought Chooch this shirt for Christmas because we love The Lost Boys and that’s one of my favorite parts of the movie and we all know I give presents selfishly. Another shirt for us to share!

4. In Case You Were Wondering, I’m Still Talking About My Tooth Tragedy

I was closing out all the tabs on my phone and it was all “how much do root canals cost” “I lost a filling” “does my tooth need pulled” “if you swallow a filling can you die” “do tooth implants hurt.” Henry rolled his eyes out of his head when I told him so now my tabs are full of eye stuff.

My fixed tooth is now super sensitive to cold and it hurts when I chew hard food on that side so now I’m panicking THAT I AM NOT FIXED (or am I just FIXATING) but at least I don’t have a shell back there anymore?

5. My New Fetish

So, I used to be into watching Korean idols eating (don’t judge me) but then the other day, I, um, accidentally watched a video compilation of Jinu from Winner drinking so I guess that’s my new kink?!

Well, in other news, my only plan for this weekend is to hunker down and crank out some new card designs for Valentine’s Day — I’m almost done with a 16-card set of The Cure designs! They are so fucking cringey.

For the first time maybe ever, both Henry and I had the day before Christmas off of work! We definitely wanted to take advantage of that so we left the house late that morning and hit up our favorite Asian market because even though we went to like 4 different stores over the weekend, we only bought party food and ended up not having any actual groceries so that was cool once I realized how much money we spent on novelty food items.

Ugh, I hate grocery shopping.

But I loooove the Asian market! And they had cherimoya which is one of my favorite fruits so it was like a Christmas present for me except that I didn’t know Henry bought one until the day after Christmas because I pay attention to nothing.

Also, pro tip for my fellow meatfree friends in Pittsburgh: the Asian market we go to in the Strip (WFH Oriental) has a great selection of soy-meat products that’s a nice reprieve from the Boca stuff or whatever that you find in most freezer sections.

#NotSponsored

After grocery shopping, we went to Korean Garden in Oakland for lunch, but first, we drove past the Busnegie Museum which totally made me crack up and also means nothing to you if you don’t live in Pittsburgh but it’s a play on the nearby Carnegie Museum, and this just tickles the bitterness right out of my body, I’ll tell you what.

I love stuff like this and the world needs more of it, that’s for sure.

When we’re at Korean restaurants, I do not have time to arrange the table for an aesthetically-pleasing picture. Although, it probably would behoove me to actually groom the background so that my food will have some time to cool off – I can’t remember a single time I ate at a Korean restaurant and didn’t singe off layers of my mouth.

WORTH IT.

Anyway, I got soon dubu jjigae, Chooch wussed out and got stir-fried vegetables, and I don’t know what Henry got because who cares. The owner’s daughter was working and she was playing Kpop which enhanced the dining experience, of course. “Fiance” by Mino came on and I wanted to ask her if she was going to see Winner but I wussed out, so I guess that was my stir-fried vegetable moment.

Sigh.

After lunch, we were going to check out the Christmas decorations at the Cathedral of Learning because that place always gets me amped for the birth of Christ or whatever, but it was closed! For some reason, it never occurred to me that the Cathedral would ever close, lol. I thought it was like a gas station.

I was starting to get whiny about this because I didn’t want to spend the day at home but I also didn’t want to spend a bunch of money since I accidentally bought those aforementioned Winner tickets with the regular account instead of PayPal Credit like I thought I had selected and that, um, really changed the narrative for Christmas, let me tell you. (Sorry, Henry!)

But then Henry, who usually has nothing to offer, suggested that we GO TO THE ZOO because admission has been free for the holidays! It’s  been a minute since I was last at the zoo, and the weather wasn’t too unbearable (don’t worry, I still complained constantly about being cold), so we went for it and it was the best decision! Barely anyone was there and it ended up being the best time I’ve had at the zoo in years and years.

We even got along with each other the whole entire time! Even though Henry told me that the animals probably looked at me like I was prey because of my coat, because the fact that I’m a walking meatsuit wasn’t already enough to make me prey-esque.

Don’t worry, I’m not the type of person to take a picture of every single animal and then post it on the Internet like National Geographic amateur hour, but this little bebe was too cute to pass up!

This was definitely the best Christmas Eve I have had in YEARS. It was really nice getting to spend quality time with the fam, free of obligations, doing fun outdoors shit! The rest of the evening was super mellow and lowkey, which is just what I needed.

…to think I’d feel like recapping any Christmas bullshit on here today. The last three days ended up being much busier than I expected plus I just got home after spending a day out and about with my best son (lol) doing our best impressions of Henry, and all I will be doing the rest of the evening is watching Winner videos (I AM SO EXCITED TO SEE THEM! ONE MONTH!) and probably theme park videos too because the scope of my obsessions is pretty limited to those two things lately.

I hope everyone survived Christmas and all of its maddening consumerism and loneliness. I tried to do that whole “mind control” thing I blabbed on about a few blog posts ago but I realized my feelings of disdain for Christmas run too deep so all I can really do is buckle up and brace myself.

Ever since my tooth saga was resolved, I feel like I have been living my best life. (#dramatic) So this past weekend was full of just straight-up relaxing and enjoying company, so basically what the season is actually supposed to be about!

Saturday night, we hosted a small work reunion. It worked out perfectly because Wendy had been asking me if I was going to have a Christmas party this year and I just didn’t feel like it, in true Scrooge-form. But then I was texting with our friend Sean who left the firm several years ago and we talked about getting together with Wendy, so I offered to host a small soirée at my place. We got BARB to come too and it was a nice evening full of cheese and alcohol and LAW FIRM MEMRIEZ.

I was really worried that other friends would get upset that they weren’t invited, but it really wasn’t a “party,” but more of a casual mini-reunion of sorts, and then I realized that this wouldn’t be an issue anyway since I’m not on Facebook anymore and Facebook is the devil when it comes to making people feel left out!

Even just hosting this little gathering made me miss having parties though so maybe sometime later this winter I’ll think of some random/strange theme and have a proper party because I really don’t see my friends enough.

I was in the middle of taking totally predictable pictures of my snack spread when Wendy and her clan showed up and then I didn’t take a single picture the rest of the night because sometimes you just gotta BE IN THE MOMENT – isn’t that what all the Instafamous bloggers are preaching to their followers in an effort to pretend like they actually have non-curated lives?

I didn’t realize it until that night but it’s been two years since I hung out with Sean, at my last Christmas party, actually, but we didn’t really get a chance to talk much then so he had no idea about my drastic lifestyle change, so that was fun filling him in about our Korean immersion. And then Barb said to me, “I’m trying to figure out who you look like me to now” but she said it in a way that sounded like it wasn’t going to be good. All the info she gave me was that she thinks it’s someone from a soap opera. She watches Days of Our Lives so maybe JENNIFER HORTON!? #IWISH

Do you know how hard it was for me to not talk endlessly all night about my new bias Jinu from Winner, though!?

Sigh.

The next night, Blake and his fam stopped over so we could do an informal pre-Xmas. His friend is temporarily living with them and he has a kid two weeks younger than Calvin so we had them come over too and it was kind of exciting having some younguns around. They’re both still too young to give a shit about opening gifts but it was fun for the rest of us and that’s all that matters.

Right?

Speaking of presents, Chooch all of a sudden is super into wrapping gifts.

This was the best picture I could get before Calvin was on the move again.

The only lowlight of the whole weekend was GOING TO THE EYE DOCTOR on Sunday, which is basically just like a stripmall eye doctor chain and most of the broads working there are absolutely rude and joyless. I have to find a real eye doctor….But the whole reason I went was because I wanted to finally get a pair of glasses, something I haven’t had since my beloved BIG HUMONGOUS GIANT GREEN SPECS* broke and if you have been around for a while, you might remember that I bought those from Zenni Optical and had to make up a pupil measurement or whatever that is and it was clearly wrong because they were like looking out of fish bowls but I wore them anyway and  basically trained my eyes to see out of them which I AM SURE was just fantastic and eye doctors worldwide would applaud me.

*(Wow, that was six years ago. I have lived six years without any glasses, LOL.)

I only went back to this dumb place because they have this one pair of Candies frames that are exclusive to just this dumb place (I looked online first to see if I could get them anywhere else) and I really wanted them last year because they are black and the insides are bright pink which reflects off my face and I love that and the model is actually called BLACKPINK which hello is a great kpop group.

This time, I actually had a “professional” measure my pupil distance or whatever and I’m pretty sure the term professional should be used lightly because no one in that office seemed very educated but what do I know, I’m a fucking high school dropout.

…so maybe I do know.

The whole time I was sitting in the dumb waiting room, Henry was blowing up my Kakao with pictures of Jinu with curly hair, because that’s the ONLY JINU LOOK I DON’T LIKE.

Ugh, stress.

Oh, I forgot to share this last week. Chooch had his picture taken with his little niece and nephew and Santa, but I was unable to be there because it was the night before THE TOOTH drama finally ended so I was extra-triple-high-strung and decided it would be in everyone’s best interests if I just stayed home.

Look, I wasn’t exaggerating when I said that my life was like ruined last week, OK.

It’s so much better now, though!

Anyway, that’s really all I have time to share for right now. We just came home from a really fun Christmas Eve (but really afternoon) around town and I am pretty tired. I have a full night of wine and K-Dramas planned, but first I’m going to watch some theme park vids because I’m an adult and I can do what I want.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Christmas Eve!

Hopefully you’re sitting down for this because it’s probably going to shock the Christmas Crocs off your feet, but I’m kind of neurotic. So when the great tooth incident happened last Friday, it…..it basically ruined all of my days. I mean, I pretty much had a Shakespearean tragedy written for it in my head.

I could barely even sleep. Especially that first night, it was like being in a waking nightmare, and the first thing I did when I woke up each time was jut my tongue over to The Tooth and then straight up wail when I realized it WASN’T A NIGHTMARE, IT WAS REAL LIFE.

Saturday night, Henry and I were in line at our neighborhood Dunkin’ Donuts when someone tapped me on the arm and it turned out to be a guy I’ve known since like kindergarten (actually, the TWIN BROTHER of the boy who broke Mrs. Glumac’s glasses and called her a bitch, a story I’ve referenced over 100x times in my life because it was apparently super impactful for a fourth grader). When he asked me how I’ve been, the whiny word barrage of “WELL I’M GOING THROUGH THIS THING WITH MY TOOTH” was revving it’s engine and rearin’ to go but then I made brief eye contact with Henry and said, “I’ve been OK” instead.

That over-the-counter tooth putty stuff Henry got me was doing a good job of preventing my neuroses from shoving me over a cliff though. I mean, I still wasn’t chewing on that side of my mouth and was shying away from foods with a consistency harder than a fresh marshmallow, so basically I was on a diet for people with no teeth.

Then on Monday morning, New Dentist finally returned my call! Look, I am one of those super-phone-private people who refuses to take personal calls at her desk, but when I saw the Smiling Tooth pop up on my phone (I added a friendly cartoon tooth image to the contact for my dentist in my phone as a means to soften the blow) I snatched my phone off my desk and answered, “HELLO, YES THIS IS SHE” and then proceeded to ramble on psychotically about how I was basically over here on my last limb, please help. SOS. The lady was LAUGHING at me which was fine because she was able to squeeze me in on Thursday at 8:45 which was perfect since that’s my late shift day!

Still, I found Amber in the kitchen and blurted out, “I MIGHT BE LATE ON THURSDAY” and after I explained to her my latest tragedy (she wasn’t in the office on Friday and missed me when I was at my most hysterical; everyone deserves at least one reprieve from that, I guess), she was like, “Oh, you probably won’t be late” and I was like YOU DON’T KNOW HOW LONG IT’S GOING TO TAKE FOR THEM TO FIT ME FOR DENTURES OK.

Later that week, I remembered that when I initially called this new dentist in October to see if they were taking new patients, back when I had all of my teeth and not “almost all of my teeth plus one shell,” the receptionist told me to be sure I printed out the new patient forms found on their website and filled them out prior to my appointment. So on Wednesday, I tried to do this, but I couldn’t find the forms. Then, upon scrolling around, I also noted that I didn’t see the dentist (Dr. Hall) on their anywhere, either, it was just two other guys, and I thought that was weird since when I called last week, their answering machine message says “Thank you for calling the office of Dr. Hall” and the broad who called me back on Monday introduced herself as someone from Dr. Hall’s office.

I had to find their number in my phone and GOOGLE IT to find my actual dentist’s website, which was definitely not the one I was looking at earlier, or even last week when I was trying to get a better idea of where I needed to go. So basically, if I hadn’t needed to go to the website and print out those forms, I was about to show up at the completely wrong dental office on Thursday at 8:45, which was about a mile further away which doesn’t seem like a lot but it is when you’re walking, which is the whole reason I was trying to find a new dentist to begin with, because I wanted to be able to walk there if needed, since I don’t always have the car (#onecarfamily) and also because I accidentally missed my last appointment at my other dentists and felt like a jerk so I did what any other rational human would do and immediately look for a new one.

Don’t try to figure me out, OK. Just nod, pretend to understand, and let me go on my way.

Wednesday night was an emotional rollercoaster over here. I was in the throes of panic all night long (except for when I bought Winner tickets which was completely impulsive and we can thank my tooth hysteria for that, but seriously, thank you tooth hysteria, because I am so excited to see Winner!!!) and I slept FOR SHIT.

By the time I was showered and dressed for the appointment on Thursday, I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.

I had chest pains and my body was wrought with the shakes. I was a fucking mess and started about 87 fights with Henry on the phone prior to even leaving the house.

The great part was that it took me less than 10 minutes to get to the dentist! I even left early because in case I couldn’t find it because Google maps made it look like it was somewhere off the main drag, but it was pretty much right in my face and I have no idea how I never noticed it because I have walked past it a thousand times.

Adrenaline kicked in at this point and I stormed into that place like I owned it.

The receptionist looked up and said, “Erin?” I nodded and blurted out, “I AM FREAKING OUT.” She wasn’t even trying to engage me and instead took my forms and told me to have a seat. She was very no-nonsense and I was mad because I needed coddled.

A few minutes later, she came into the waiting room with a very serious look on her face and said, “Unfortunately—” (PLEASE, NOT THAT WORD, NOT NOW) “—we can’t file a claim with your insurance—” (THEN WHY DID YOU TELL ME OVER THE PHONE YOU TAKE MY INSURANCE?!!?!?) “—-without your social security number” and then she tapped the spot on the form that I somehow left blank.

Jesus fucking Christ, is that all. So I gave her my social security number that I have had memorized since I was 16 and oddly obsessed with getting a job* and filled out applications like it was a new hobby, only to get my first job at a dollar store where I took my break on my first day and never went back, lololol.

*(All of my friends were like, “You’re rich AF, why do you need a job?” except “AF” wasn’t a thing in 1995, so I’m not sure what they actually said. “Hella rich” maybe?)

(I am no longer “hella rich/rich AF” though so if we’re being honest here, 90% of my stress over this tooth episode was from worrying over how much I was going to have to pay out-of-pocket and HOW WOULD I AFFORD IT SO CLOSE TO XMAS? I was about to start collecting some more of those job applications…for Henry, lol. Second job time, buddy! Take one for the team!)

Then some older man breezed through the door and hollered HELLO EVERYBODY to which the receptionist answered, “Hi Mark” and then Mark sat down and immediately called who I presume was his secretary and asked her to book him a flight to Orlando next Thursday morning and then gave her/him details about the car he wanted to have rented, where he wanted to stay, and when he wanted to come back, which was going to be sometime after he “has dinner with the Chinese.”

Cool story, Mark.

That was enough to help distract me and before it was even time for my appointment, the hygienist came out to get me (my last dentist was consistently 30 minutes behind on appointments so this was amazing to me) and she seemed way more receptive to hysteria so I just unleashed on her when she asked me how I was doing and she was very reassuring.

“AND I HAVE THIS OVER THE COUNTER STUFF IN THERE RIGHT NOW AND I WAS TOO SCARED TO REMOVE IT BEFORE COMING HERE IS THAT OK!?!?!?” I cried, wringing my hands as I sat stiffly in the exam chair.

“Oh that’s fine! We’ll take it out, no problem,” she said, going about her business of setting up tools, etc like she didn’t have a dying patient before her.

My whole body was shaking by this point, and then I heard her in the next room telling THE DENTIST that I had the stuff in my tooth and I was like OMG IS SHE TATTLING ON ME.

Anyway, Dr. Hall came in right away, looked at it, declared no x-ray was needed, and then Novacained me the fuck up before I had a chance to keep blurting things out because I lose all filter when I’m in the dentist’s chair and have a desperate desire to talk about all of my oral fears.

Once the Novacaine kicked in, Dr. Hall filled and bonded it.

Just like that!! I still have a tooth!

In my head, this is how it was going to play out:

• they would determine I needed a root canal;
• in the process of doing a root canal, my whole tooth falls out;
• while they’re trying to stop my tooth from going down my throat, they knock off the crown on the tooth next to the one that just fall out;
• now I need an implant;
• I’m at the bank trying to take a loan;
• can’t get a loan so now I’m selling my kid on the dark internet

My imagination is a slippery slope, OK? I always go right for the worst case scenarios. I told Dr. Hall this and he was like, “Yeah, Google is not always your friend” and I really feel like Dr. Hall and I are going to have a great Dentist/Patient relationship.

By the way, it’s my supposed root canal tooth that this happened to, but he said it didn’t look like I was in any dire need of one right away, maybe down the line, and to just let him know if I have any pain or discomfort.

The whole process took about 20 minutes and I felt NOTHING. Dr. Hall is a fucking miracle-worker.

And then they gave me my pre-insurance filing bill, and according to that, the most I will have to pay once the claim is filed is like $150 and THAT IS DOABLE. I almost started to cry, I was so relieved.

Right before I walked out of the office, I called over my shoulder, “Thank you for saving me!” and he was like, “haha…ok.” Get ready, Dr. Hall. I am always 150% “on” at my dentist appointments. Erin Uber-Unfiltered is someone only boyfriends/close friends/dentists/doctors ever get to see. At my old, longtime dentists office (before she ruined my life by retiring) her staff used to laugh and announce, “Erin’s here!” when I walked in. It was like that.

And it was only 9:15 when I left! This was great except that I couldn’t go home since I don’t have a housekey (lol) so instead I went to Muddy Cup and got a chestnut latte and then walked all the way to the trolley platform in Beechview (about a 30 minute walk) to kill time and burn off some of my hyper energy, because I was a fucking bouncing ball of spitfire by then, you guys. It felt so good to have that stress taken away. I cannot handle dental problems, I am obsessed with my teeth and constantly think I have at least 6 things wrong in there.

So now, after texting several people at work that morning to give them the heads up that I might be late (on account of having all of my teeth pulled, being fitted for dentures, going to the bank, writing up a good description to make my kid seem more buyable), I was actually EARLY which was great because this allowed me to blow through the department like a fucking hurricane, pulling people away from their work in order to tell them I WENT TO THE DENTIST WITH A BROKEN TOOTH AND LIVED TO TELL THE TALE.

***

“I feel like I was given a second lease on life,” I said to Henry that night.

“Oh my god,” he mumbled.

Not even going to front, this is going to be a quickie because I was terrorized by Friday Night Late Shift and then immediately after I made the poor choice of going grocery shopping with Henry and he dragged me to not one BUT TWO different stores and I feel emotionally battered right now.

Anyway, I meant to share these pictures earlier in the week because it was part of my “Convince Yourself You’re Into Xmas” exercise. Christmas decorations really do get me going, though.

These trees are what greets you as soon as you get off the elevator on our floor. Our director Sue decorates every year and these trees have been in her winter holiday arsenal for at least as long as I’ve worked there, but she usually would just set them out around the department in clusters of three. This year though she put them in military formation and I actually felt attacked when I came to work the day they made their debut.

Everyone had something to say about them, from Melania Trump comparisons to musing that they multiplied (seriously, did someone spill water on them?!)

One of the guys from Accounting moved two of them ever so slightly just to screw with her and then the next day, a bunch of us gathered in the elevator bank to take a clandestine group photo amidst the trees that I later turned into a Christmas card from all of us to Sue because she seriously spoils us and we thought it would be cute to surprise her with something personal like that. But it turned into A Thing because she was supposed to leave the floor for a meeting at the time I told everyone to meet in the elevator bank, but then she ended up staying in her office to take a call, and her office is like RIGHT NEAR THIS AREA so we were definitely running on borrowed time.

We had the trees all over the place and tried our best to put them back in place (Regina said someone had three red trees next to each other and she was like, “Come on, Sue would never let that happen!” lol!) but the next day, Nate said he was getting out of the elevator with Sue and said, “Looks like Andrew was messing with the trees again. I’m just gonna let him do his thing.” LOL!

Anyway, here is what the card ended up looking like. I whited out the faces of most people because I said I wouldn’t share this on the Internet so I’m mostly honest!

Wendy wasn’t there the day we took the picture so I had her text me a picture of herself waving and I stuck her back there by a tree, and Lauren was actually the one who took the picture but I made her send me a picture of her head so I could stick her in there too. The inside says “we’d be lost in the woods without you” lol gag but it’s so true! One of my coworkers asked me where I had it made and I was like, “….I made it?” because hello I have made cards for work-purposes before and she was like, “OMG you could make money off this! You should be on Etsy!” and I was like, “….I am…?” Lol, I GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE but it was pretty funny.

In my head.

Meanwhile, SOMEONE put a creepy vintage Santa in one of the trees and guess who keeps accused?

YEAH, ME.

It’s not me, though! But I know who it is…

Meanwhile, back outside, this huge ass tree goes up every year but I love it because the ornaments are so 1950s-ish and I bet Christmas was cool back then, before kids cried about wanting V-Bucks for Fortnite and whined about BB guns instead, or whatever, and moms wore aprons and used actual butter dishes.

(I had to ask Henry, “What do you call those dishes people put butter on? Butter dishes?”)

This big tree in in front of some big building. The county building or something?

ONE OF THOSE ORNAMENTS SAYS BROOKLINE. I live in Brookline.

Anyway, that’s my holiday picture post. Now I have to go back to watching Winner videos on YouTube.

You know how motivational speakers and self-help weirdos are always preaching about mind over matter, etc etc? Well, somewhere in my life, I actually kind of started to believe that WHOA maybe there actually is something to positive thinking. I know it’s easy to fall into those negative nets and motherfuck everything that comes your way, and I spend a lot of my days doing just that. Being surly is kind of my thing, also I think I might be borderline.

But anyway, today is a really good example of how thoughts can completely set the tone and control the day. Take this morning, for example. I got a twitter notification that the trolley was having issues and I flipped my shit because I hate when wrenches are thrown into my daily routine. So I ran out of the house earlier than usual in order to grab an earlier trolley and hopefully not be as late. The trolley driver was really great about keeping us updated on what was happening and how the detour was going to go, and I appreciated that. Yes, I was still annoyed. Yes, I whined about it when I got to work 10 minutes late which doesn’t even count as late at that place, trust me — my job is so laid back when it comes to these things. It’s ME who gets all wound up about it!

And yes, I berated Henry via KakaoTalk because this was all his fault, after all.

About an hour later though, I was thought to myself, “You know, this could have been way worse. We’re lucky that we have a transit system full of people who are so on the ball.

” I mean, whoever runs that twitter account is amazing at keeping passengers updated, and what a shitty position to be in, knowing your tweets are going to get lambasted by angry Yinzers. So do you know what I did? I deleted my crybaby tweet about how the trolley sucks and I replied to the Port Authority account, thanking them for being so helpful and diligent at keeping us up to speed when shit like this happens. 9 times out of 10, when they’re having issues, it’s because of some uncontrollable force, like a tree falling on one of the wires or some dumbass leaving their car on the tracks (this happens more than you’d think). And just like that, the tone of my day changed! Being nice kind of felt…..NICE. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?!

Then I was having an annoying afternoon of dealing with people who definitely haven’t discovered that sentiment up there about being nice, and I was being a big bitchbaby about that but then we got an email from Wendy about a late afternoon holiday soiree that she and the other associate directors prepared for our department, which included ALCOHOL and normally I would let my social anxiety dictate how I RSVP to something like this (yes, even with people I see everyday, I get a little palm-sweaty and collar-tuggy when surrounded by them). But I told myself that it would be good to walk away from my computer screen and have a drink with my work friends.  I figured I would just make an appearance and then sneak away, but I ended up staying for the full hour and it was really fun and reminded me of how it used to be there so maybe in 2019 I will try to be more people-y.

And then guess what happened?! Henry actually parked the car and met me outside of my building so that we could walk back to  the car together since I have been complaining lately about the weirdos I have to encounter on the way to where he waits for me after work. I thought that was really sweet but of course I didn’t let him know that, haha.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning (oh, don’t worry, there will be a WHOLE POST dedicated to my oral woes, I know you can’t wait) so once again, I let my feelings about that darken my mood and I was totally snippy with Henry and Chooch but then I watched the new Winner video and said, “Fuck it, I’m buying tickets to see them” so now I’m going to see them in Toronto next month, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ME AND MY WRECKED MOLAR.

So my current mood is: pretty fucking content as long as I’m not thinking about my tooth (OR, THE SHELL OF MY TOOTH), and the whole poing of this is that I guess those dumbass self-help weirdos are kind of right. Plus, one of the YouTube fitness ladies I like also reminds us that if we smile, we can actually convince ourselves to feel happier and I think that she’s probably right because she has a degree in something.

Anyway, I’m going to go and watch this Winner video MILLIONS of times now because it is really uplifting and that’s the whole point of this post which you would know if you were paying attention, jesus.

I’m really weird about decorating. For instance, a lot of people assume that since I am so into Halloween, my house must basically look like tomb during October, but I don’t think we have bothered decorating since like, 2008?! We haven’t even had carved pumpkins in forever! I’m pretty lazy.

And aside from a Christmas tree/Trudy, we don’t really do much else even though every summer I think to myself, “I should start working on that dark Christmas wreath I’ve been dreaming about for 10 years” but do you think I do that? NO BECAUSE IM TOO BUSY HOUNDING HENRY TO TAKE US TO AMUSEMENT PARKS!

But this year, I kind of felt inspired to throw up some extra lights and make good ol’ Robert look extra festive. I mean, have you seen my house? We have fucking lights blinking and flashing all year round regardless of the almighty baby Jesus.

It’s a nice nook to relax after a long day of My Bloody Valentining. In other words, these lights will definitely still up for Valentines Day/until they burn out.

Just some bonus shots of Drew at Trudy’s feet. The cats are very respectful of her. Just not any ornament dangling from her that may be constructed of felt or pompoms.

I wanted to cover the whole ceiling in garland and lights but Henry was like SO IT CAN ALL FALL ON US UNEXPECTEDLY WHILE WE’RE WATCHING ALL THE K-DRAMAS IM ADDICTED TO? I THINK NOT.

Asshole.

Garland on the mantle. Wow, I went ALL OUT this year. Get me a fucking spread in Better Homes & Gardens.

Anyway, something small like this has helped get me more in the spirit, because I don’t WANT to be a Scrooge, ok? It just comes naturally and I have to be mindful enough to want to make a change. And you know, barking light-hanging orders at Henry really helped to lift my spirit!!

I have some pictures of downtown Xmas spirit shit that I have been collecting so I will post those this week too. Maybe it will help some other people get in the spirit as well!

K annyeong.

It’s been a whole year without Jonghyun and I am drowning in real thick feelings and ugly tears. I can’t explain why exactly but his death wrecked me harder than any other “celebrity” death and it felt like losing someone I actually knew in “real life,” because his artistry really touched me and brought me so much joy.

The anniversary of his death is really hard for so many of us, but it’s also a reminder that this time of year is especially slippery and fragile for so many people suffering from depression. It’s easy to get swallowed up in the stress of holiday shopping and tensions can definitely flare when shops are crowded and the streets are full of traffic and it feels like we’re hemorrhaging money, but I am going to try extra hard this week to smile at strangers, even the weirdos I see on my lunch break walks (except maybe not the one weird man who made sexually suggestive gestures at me with a Slim Jim last week and then high-pitched shrieked at a woman waiting to cross the street).

It’s not much, but sometimes a (non-creepy) smile can go a long way, and maybe it will be the difference to someone who is having a bad day or feels extra alone in this whirlwind holiday season.

Please, if you’re reading this, be kind to a stranger this week. Be kind to one stranger everyday. Let’s all be extra shiny for Jonghyun.

Remember when I said that there would be one more Dollywood post and you were like IS THIS A THREAT well guess what, IT WAS A PROMISE.

Even though we didn’t go to Dollywood specifically for the Christmas shit, it was still really hard not to get swept away in the festive feels. There is just something so magical about amusement parks all lit up for the holidays!

So, I just wanted to dump some of the evening shots we took from that day.

This was supposed to be “an artsy shot” of Chooch admiring the drop tower, but then he turned around too soon and I didn’t feel like redoing it.

“Did you get it!?” he asked, because this was his idea.

“….yup,” I said, shoving my phone back in my pocket.

The lights over this walkway changed….

…see?!

Second time at Dollywood and I still can’t say that we went in the museum, lol, sorry Dolly Parton! We’re just there for the rides, not your history!

Never been in the theater, either, lol. Some day I will be an old person and maybe then I will do these things…?

As the sun set, Dollywood’s walkways started to get more congested. I think a lot of people only come at night, maybe. This had zero impact on the wait time for the rides, though.

Thank god.

I loved this area of the park so much. My dad is a huge geek for anything 1950s, so I grew up in a house where the Oldies station or a classic jukebox was always blasting in the garage as my dad worked on his hot rods (he had four different ones when I was growing up; I’m not sure which ones he still has though) and some random Andy Griffith show rerun was always on the TV. He even had several vintage pop machines that worked, one of them held glass bottles of Barq’s root beer, I’ll never forget. Of course, I didn’t appreciate any of that shit back then and would die of embarrassment any time I had to ride somewhere in one of his damn old cars, but man do I miss those simpler times now!

This area of the park is right of my dad’s alley, all the way down to the 1950s garage-themed queue line for Lightning Rod.

We thought this Santa had blackface at first but I think it’s just really old and hasn’t aged well. As I was trying to take this picture, the adjacent theater let out and I got swept away in a tidal wave of wheelchairs and walkers. Old people don’t yield, you guys. Then some broad accidentally unplugged the lights, so that was a real scene.

(It wasn’t, really. She plugged them back in right away.)

I took this from the train, so it’s not the best but look at how lovely the Grist Mill looks all lit up!

Home of Sherbet the Waiter and the Secret Veggie Burger.

My oppa, King Lightning Rod.

And then as we were heading toward the exit at the end of the night, snowflakes began to softly hit my cheeks.

“It’s snowing!!!” I cried. “It’s a real Dollymiracle!” Yo boy, I was so stoked on snow and I typically hate that fuck-slush. That’s how you know Dollywood is a real mood enhancer.

Aaaaaand, then I realized that the snow was coming from snow machines mounted to the roof of the gift shop.

In conclusion, I would highly recommend a trip to Dollywood during the holidays. I was surprised by how many people told me that they didn’t even think there were rides at Dollywood — guys, don’t be fooled by the countrified mountain themes – this place has some world-class coasters and really interesting dark rides., and as long as temperatures are 40+, the coasters should be running even during the holiday event. I can’t speak for the shows, but they seem to be wildly popular, so I think it’s safe to say that D-wood is a joint for the whole family. So don’t leave Gramps at home! I mean, we brought Henry and he seemed fine.

I was going to do a Friday Five bullshit, I mean, bullet point post today but THEN MY FRIDAY STARTED OUT SO WACK and I can’t concentrate on anything BUT THE TRAGEDY THAT OCCURRED IN MY MOUTH.

Everything was fine. The morning routine was as boring and basic as ever. Chooch left for school and I sat down to eat the same bowl of cereal I eat every morning (Cinnamon Life with almond milk, boy) and I put on some kpop music show performances because this is how I spend the tiny bit of free time I have before leaving for work.

I had just finished my cereal and was about to tweet something about how Kai from EXO had graduated from crop tops to shirtless blazers…

(Yeah boy.)

…and I wasn’t mad about it, when my tongue happened to casually graze A HOLE IN MY BACK MOLAR.

My first instinct was to stop breathing. Then my mind began to reel and I began to try to wake myself up because I am always having nightmares about this so CLEARLY I WAS STILL ASLEEP.

First I thought my crown came off, which I am always terrified of, but then I realized that it’s actually the molar next to it, the very last tooth and the one that I was supposed to get a root canal done on earlier this year but put it off so NOW LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. I DESERVED  THIS.

I ran upstairs to the bathroom and did all kinds of contorting to try and see what was going on in there.

“And that’s how they found her, kids: standing on her head with a hand mirror jammed in her mouth.”

And you know what’s totally Alanis Morrissette about this? I actually had a dentist appointment scheduled for this Monday WHICH I CANCELED YESTERDAY because it’s the same day as one of our holiday work lunches so I had to call back and leave a desperate message, begging for my old appointment back, OMG WHY.

Then!! My stupid trolley was TWENTY MINUTES LATE and when it finally arrived, it was the elusive “Holiday Express” which I have been dying to ride, so it was perfectly fitting that I would get my inaugural experience on it standing shoulder-to-shoulder with surly strangers (that T was packed to the gills because of the delay) while trying not to pass out every time my tongue gravitated over to my molar canyon. You know what it feels like?! A fucking popcorn shell thing.

(I wish that’s what it actually was, because I DID eat popcorn last night but I am a dedicated flosser, so…)

Then I made the mistake of telling Lauren and Margie about it, who in turn made me feel utterly hopeless. “You’ll probably just have to get it removed,” Lauren said.

“Yeah, but then you’ll have to watch that your teeth don’t start to shift because of the empty space,” Margie added.

“They might have to pull a tooth on the other side to even it out,” Lauren volleyed, and I had to walk away from this tragic theoretical tennis match because I already know who wins: THE DENTIST.

“You guys are going to have me in dentures by the end of the day,” I cried.

The only highlight of the day so far is that I lost another pound and I guess I’ll continue losing more pounds considering THAT I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO EAT AGAIN.

(I’m actually eating pineapple right now. It’s…OK. But I am hyper-aware.)

UPDATE!

Carrie and Marlene and have given me hope. First, Carrie pointed out that pretty much anything is fixable and it will be OK as long as I get it taken care of ASAP (trying to!!). And then Marlene was like, “Did you have fillings in that tooth?”

YOU GUYS, I DID INDEED HAVE FILLINGS IN THAT TOOTH. So maybe my tooth didn’t actually break, but the fillings fell out!? That’s a better scenario right!?

Also, Marlene told me that teeth don’t generally shift back, but if they are going to shift, they crowd* toward the front. That also made me feeling better, in case I have to get the tooth pulled. I’m so glad I work with so many recreational dentists!

*(You know where it feels like I do have crowding? In my brain.)

Now I’m just sitting here, willing my dentist to call me back.

Wow, I was like, “Why is my face wet” just now and realized that I had drool pathetically sluicing down my chin on account of the fact that I’m subconsciously trying not to swallow because of Tooth.

***********

I just came back from my lunch break walk which involved no food because I decided I may never eat again, and Henry did not make me feel any better at all because he’s acting like this isn’t life or death.

“I hate that your life is actually better than mine right now,” I wailed.

“WOW,” he said, and then he had to get off the phone because he was going to the store so I told him to just buy me broth, I guess. Straw-food forever.

I can’t tell if my face is actually swelling up or if I’m imagining it…

#cliffhanger

UPDATE:

I’m home from work now. My fake husband is also a fake dentist and is trying to put some temporary tooth filling* in my mouth to help tide me over until my dentist can see me. I am being v.dramatic about this so be lucky you’re not here.

*(and no, not an euphemism for a weener.)

Henry DDS said it really does look like I just lost a filling and that if I had actually broken my tooth I’d have been crying since 8:00am when I first found out. LIKE HE KNOWS ME OR SOMETHING.

I said a few days ago that I was feeling anti-Christmas so I have been trying to casually immerse myself in the season my own way and participating in Secret Santa at work also helped nudge me half-past Scrooge, more toward Stoked.

I’m usually so freaking selfish about everything in life but I LOVE BEING SOMEONE’S SECRET SANTA! I get so much joy out of it.

And then I stumbled across this wonderful, pure video from years and years ago when SHINee and Kara did a Christmas performance together on Music Core and my heart melted like a fucking marshmallow in hot cocoa, you guys, ugh.

Maybe you need some Christmas spirit in your life, or maybe you need a good dose of cute Kpop, or maybe you’re just a chronic YouTuber constantly looking for new videos to click. In any case, here it is!

(Side note: Seungri and Daesung MCing in the beginning gave me even more life!

)

I think I’ll make it through this Xmas season after all. :)

“Wow, that’s the quote of the night,” Janna laughed, after I screamed this when Chooch drew a weener in the snow of one of the houses we were walking past Saturday night.

LET ME BACK UP.

Janna came over Saturday night for the annual Lighting of Trudy, and as usual, Henry didn’t get new lights knowing damn well that the lights from last year were probably going to be busted because they just don’t make Christmas lights like they used to!

(Or maybe they do and Henry just sucks at storing them, I don’t know.)

(In either case, we needed new lights.)

(And I made Janna and Chooch walk with me to CVS to get the lights, and then proceeded to stress over what Henry meant when he said, “Don’t get too many lights” and then there were greater-quantity-lights that cost the same as the lesser-quantity-lights and I was going to ask if it was for real but then I realized that the cashier on duty was that terrible maybe-Meth head who never knows what’s going on and Chooch pointed out recently that she has her name scratched off her name tag so maybe she’s also a fugitive!?)

(Anyway, the price was real.)

So then on the way home, Chooch desecrated THE ONE HOUSE on our street that has classy Christmas decorations (I want to leave them a note commending them on the aesthetic appeal of their choices) with a weener drawn in their snow and now I think you’re all caught up.

Penelope was READY for the Trudy-dressing….until Janna arrived and she was all, “A PEOPLE. BYE.” And then we didn’t see her or Drew the rest of the night.

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So basically Henry does all the hard stuff because in order to dress Trudy, one must remove her upper-extremities and I can’t do that.

Apparently, Henry can’t either because he dropped her arm and BROKE HER HAND!!!! Blake and Calvin had just arrived when this happened and Blake was like, “DAD I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THAT TO TRUDY” and Calvin was just like, “This house is effin’ cray, man.”

Seriously, what must it be like for a toddler visiting the Pioneer Nut House?

Meanwhile, I think the only reason Blake stops over is to get his fill of Kpop, which is not-so-secretly loves. He told us that night that he especially likes how the girl groups have like 10 members and we were like YEAH YOU DO.

I have to admit, Trudy is always out and about in our house, we don’t stow her away like a real Christmas tree (I mean, I’m sorry, Trudy! You ARE real! You’re a REAL XMAS TREE!) in the attic or whatever, but we do need to move furniture around so that she has a good spot worthy of a real Christmas tree.

Which she is.

A real Christmas tree.

This year, she is in front of the window after I moved over the beverage buffet and relocated the pink elephant table that holds the giant clown head.

That sentence tells you everything you need to know about my house, by the way.

Anyway, you can imagine how confused the cats were when they came out hours later because a few things were moved over a few inches, oh no.

Isn’t Trudy’s 2018 face beautiful? The starry barbed wire gagging her is an extra-special touch. I think it’s a real glow-up from last year’s gas mask. Janna said that we have to change her face every year and I was like, “Yeah, maybe Henry can just BEHEAD HER” ugh, Henry.

Speaking of Henry the Amputator, he glued Trudy’s hand back on nicely and is now going to fill in the cracks and then give her arm a fresh coat of metallic green. I think he genuinely feels sorry that he maimed her so horrifically.

You can see in this picture that Trudy’s right arm is actually just an empty sweater sleeve. IT’S FINE. Maybe by next Christmas she’ll be put back together. (I’m looking at you, Henry the Procrastinator.)

I used one of my G-Dragon peaceminusone clips to hold an ornament on Trude’s sweater. That’s what you call INGENUITY.

Maybe next year, I’ll just have Henry remove her legs and then we can sit her torso on one of the wheelchairs, but still have the Christmas tree skirt splayed out underneath.

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“Wow, it really looks so cozy in here now,” Janna said upon returning from the bathroom, and I have to agree that Trudy really does add some Christmas comfort to the house.

And then Chooch made us play Heads Up and then we made Janna watch roller coaster vlogs on YouTube and now my new goal is to hook her up with REECE from INTHELOOP but she thinks he’s too young like that’s a problem?

Here’s a mind-dumping for you, in list form.

1.Today, Onew from SHINee enlisted in the military. As you know, SHINee is my #2 favorite kpop group so my ship (a/k/a MY HEART) is pretty wrecked over this. I know, I know, it’s just the way things are, I should be used to it by now, etc etc. But it’s still very bittersweet, especially since it hasn’t been a year since we lost Jonghyun. Feelings are still raw.

I really wanted to call off today (shut up) but instead, I came to work with some new international treats, and I’m wearing a bright blue sweater as an homage to Onew’s solo debut from last week. One of the songs is called Blue and the video for it is…well, it’s tragically beautiful and really got me all caught in my feelings.

Whenever someone says kpop idols can’t sing, I’ll be sure to send them this video from now on.

2a. On my lunch break walk, three different people enthusiastically told me that they liked my coat (that dreamy 1960s goldenrod floral sofa one) and I think if Chooch had been there, this might have been the day that pushed him to take a paint can to it. I’m sorry, but I truly think this was the best Target purchase I’ve ever made and considering that, it’s amazing that in all of these years (five now, I think?) I have only seen one other person wearing it. One day it really will be vintage!

2b. My second-most complimented coat is a cow-print jacket I bought probably in 2000 or 2001 from Delia’s so this one actually is kind of vintage by now and I am so smug when I tell people how long ago I bought it but then I saw on Instagram that Delia’s (yes, Delia’s is back) has brought back an updated version of it! It’s currently sold out, because apparently cow print is back in style baby.

3. Oh shit you guys, get ready to taste vomit: some girly boudoir photography studio is opening up in my neighborhood and it’s called the—–hhhherrrrrk, the—-burp, the BABE CAVE. Omg get me a puke pan, quickly. Chooch was like, “So…it’s a strip club, or…?” Honestly! What a hideous name! I’m so embarrassed for all the women who enter that place, thinking they’re going to be all empowered or whatever the fuck but they’re just being branded as a “babe.” So next time some gross d-bag on the street whistles at them and calls them babe, they better just shit up and take it.

4. Hey speaking of puke, I was making fun of Henry’s shoes on Saturday (they squeak and squelch when he walks, like he soaks them in a shoe bath over night) and this is like, a really popular skit that we do in our house, but for some reason Chooch thought it was extra funny, so he did his laughing-till-he-pukes routine and then I was dry-heaving because I can’t see someone puke, and I ended up puking a little bit in my mouth, and Henry was listing us on Craigslist, but first of course he mopped up all the puke.

When will they make candy vape guns, I wonder.

5. Ever since I had that dream about having my head cut off and put back on, I haven’t felt right.

6. A few weeks ago, Wendy sent me a picture of SHOO FLY PIE from my favorite SHOO FLY PIE purveyor, DUTCH HAVEN. I was practically licking my phone.  I asked her where she got it and she said that Amish people are going door-to-door in Pittsburgh now, and that she told them they should go to Brookline too, and I legit ran over to the door like a little kid who just heard the ice cream truck from 9 blocks away, and yes, this was sadly before I had the dream that my head was lopped off. So….

Henry made it in the background of this Dollywood vlog lol. He asked me if I recognized them and I was like, “no b/c I was busy riding rides and having fun…”

7. Henry made me go grocery shopping with him Friday night after we went over Blake’s where he fixed Blake’s dining room light (god, these Fridays just get crazier and crazier) because I guess I was being punished for something, who knows, but grocery stores are definitely like the ultimate dungeon for me. Anyway, I was distracting myself by perusing the cake decoration section and Henry was like WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT THOSE and I was like “……um, for the cake we’re making when G-Dragon gets out of the military next fall?!” Why does he ask such stupid questions?!

8. Christmas has me stressed the fuck out – WOW I BET NO ONE CAN RELATE. I managed to get Chooch’s “big present” bought and the process of purchasing it left me in hives, man. If I didn’t have a kid, I would just opt out of Christmas! I mean, I’d still be into putting up Trudy or whatever, but the gift part of it gives me major chest pains. I swear I’m not actually a total Grinch, I’m just an awful shopper. PLUS RED VELVET TICKETS ARE GOING ON SALE THIS SATURDAY, RIGHT SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF CHRISTMAS SHOPPING UGH FML.

OK, this blog post is a waste of Internet space.  I’m going to go and cry a little bit more about Onew and then watch some roller coaster videos and finish off my night with an episode of Come & Hug Me (a great serial killer K-Drama!). Check back this week for some pictures of Trudy all dressed up and, I’m sorry, but one more Dollywood post lol.

Key, Taemin, and Minho went to send off Onew. TRUE BROTHERS. They love their hyung. Sigh. SHINee forever.