Jan 162012


The U.S. offices of the Law Firm are all closed for Martin Luther King, Jr. day, but our department stayed open with a small staff to cater to all the European, etc. offices. I was one of the suckers who agreed to come in because it’s extra money, and what would I be doing anyway? I’ll tell you what — sitting at home and calling Henry every 15 minutes to see when he’s going to be done with work. So why not give Henry a bit of a reprieve while making some extra money, I guess, right?

The problem is that this special Fuck the Holiday shift starts at 7am. As you may know, I’m accustomed to working 4pm-9pm, so the whole getting here part was kind of stressful and included a lot of whining and whimpering.

The other problem is that Chooch doesn’t have school today. I attempted for a minute to use him as my scapegoat (“But what will I do with the babe?!”) except everyone was like, “WHY, BRING HIM IN!” I figured maybe this would be OK since there are only 5 of us in the office today.


Even though we packed Chooch’s Darth Vader backpack full of activity books and other Kindergarten fare, he declared within 30 minutes that he was bored and requested to go home.



This was all pre-8am, when the novelty of sitting in the empty desk behind mommy was still fresh and made him feel cool. But then he quickly realized that mommy’s job is pretty dry and uneventful, so he started creeping around and scaring my co-workers, which is hard to do when you work in a building full of reflective glass.


My serial killer coloring book kept him occupied for awhile. The middle finger pose is totally unintentional, by the way. This is one of the few obscene things he’s yet to learn. He’d rather just use his words to express his anger and disdain for society.

Oh, and then I lost him for awhile! That was really fun. I searched everyone’s office on my side of the floor before discovering that he was hiding in the small closet attached to the desk behind me the whole time. I wanted to fucking kill him.

However, it did last an entire 2 hours before he tried to color my white desk, so that was pretty impressive.

I just lost half of my donut in my coffee — THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER.

2 more hours to go. 2 more hours to go. 2 more hours to go. 2 more hours to go.


45 minutes to go. In an effort to keep us distracted & prevent Chooch from potential rubberband burn (he has himself rubberbanded to his chair, don’t ask), I suggested that we look at pictures of Jonny Craig.

“Oh great. Just like we’re at home,” Chooch deadpanned.

So instead, he drew a picture of John Wayne Gacy for Wendy, who LOVES CLOWNS.

(She does not love clowns.)

Now we’re giving ourselves makeovers with office supplies. I currently have a large binder clip in my hair. I am so far ahead of you, Milan. 

Gotta go. Some asshole just flagellated himself with a giant rubberband. DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING.


  8 Responses to “FML: Otherwise known as The Day I Brought Chooch to Work”

  1. I remember when I was a kid they had the “bring your child to work day.” my mother worked in an insurance agency office and I remember thinking it was so cool to fax and use a typewriter and adding machines… Except as an adult, I’m thinking having to deal with your kid AND the stress of your normal workday may drive me into the padded room.

  2. I wish I could have went also. Talk about payback, 5 hrs with chooch is no comparison to 15 minutes with you and Chooch at my office. I can’t even put in to words what that is like. Besides HELL might be better!

  3. Awww..Riley was so good! I think you should bring him more! And I am really sorry about breaking your record.

    • He was pretty good! I didn’t think he would be too much of a dick — he’s usually just bad at home. :) I felt bad that he was so bored though even after he brought all that stuff with him.

  4. Did Henry get a spa day while all this was going on?!

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