Me: If you had to see Daddy poop his pants on one ride, what ride would it be?
Chooch: Jack Rabbit because of the double dip!
(We both pause here to relish the image of Henry pooping his pants, leaving his seat, and then smashing the poop upon returning to his seat. We’re all children here.)
Me: Why do you like Garfield’s Nightmare? That’s the worst ride there.
Chooch, making a super angry face: WORST?! It has all those statue stuff!
Me: Aren’t you afraid the boat is going to tip over? (That might actually salvage the fun factor, really.)
Chooch, shaking his head like I’m a fool: No.
Me: How safe did you feel riding the Jack Rabbit with your brother, Blake?
Chooch: Why do you type my name as ‘Chooch’ on everything?
Me: Because that’s your name. Just answer the question.
Chooch, making some gross boy noise: It’s cold in here, don’t you think?
Me: Stay focused. (Repeating the original question.)
Chooch, sounding extremely unsure: Really safe?
(That means NOT SAFE.)
Chooch, seeing this picture: Oh, crap.*
Me: Talk about riding rides with [our friends’ daughter] Katelyn.
Chooch: Aw, come on. Not fun! [Laughing giddily, which means OMG ALL OF THE FUN.]
Me: Then why did you get mad when her cousin wanted to ride with her?
Chooch: No I didn’t! I did not! ….how did you know that?
Me: Seriously, how badly did you want to put your arm around Katelyn on the baby roller coaster?
Chooch, blushing furiously and smiling while struggling to maintain his faux-anger: I did not!
(*Chooch, after re-reading this, cried out, “I did not say ‘crap’ there! I said ‘shit’!” Trying to keep Child Services out of our house, OK KID?)
mommy took a picture of grandma who was annoyed of mommy
Me: How pissed off do you think grandma was having to spend a whole day with us idiots?
Chooch, laughing: Uh,
fucking* pissed off. Grandma wouldn’t go on everything. Probably because her foot hurts.
(*Seriously! Child Services, kid!)
Me: Look at Laura in the background!
Chooch: Looks like she’s drinking something out of a pee cup.
Me: What do you think you were thinking about in this picture — Katelyn?
Chooch, panicked: No! Now you made me forget what I was thinking because you had to type in Katelyn, thanks a lot!
Me: Talk about how dumb daddy looks in this picture.
Chooch: Oh, I got a great one. It looks like daddy is eating that pizza and he’s going to poop in his pants. And Blake is laughing and smiling because daddy looks like he’s going to poop his pants.
Me, laughing: I mean, look at daddy’s face!
Chooch, pointing in a demonstrative manner: I know, it looks like he’s pooping in his pants! I already said that!
Me: How bad does daddy suck at playing games? Isn’t he the WORST DAD EVER for not winning you all kinds of BIG MAJESTIC stuffed animals?
Chooch: It made me sad.
Me: He totally sucks. I bet Jonny Craig would have won you the BIGGEST STUFFED ANIMAL THERE.
(Probably because he would have needed something to transport his heroin & ego in.)
Me: What was your favorite ride?
Chooch: Uh, the Jack Rabbit.
(I think this is the only ride whose name he can remember.)
Me: Even after you fell down the ramp and scraped your knee and cheekbone?
Chooch: Blake fell too!
Me: Did he really?
Chooch: No, he didn’t really. I just like to say that.
I wanted to stay there at Kennywood but daddy would not let us sleep over at Kennywood.
And this concludes Chooch’s first Oh Honestly, Erin guest post, mostly because we have both lost interest.