Dec 152008
 

It’s a Friday night in 1999 and my boyfriend Jeff and I are lounging around, paying vague attention to some non-MTV music video show.  Suddenly, a pulsing beat (not unlike one of those horrible MIDI files web-dorks have been embedding into their angelfire homepages) kicks in and the cutest/sluttiest school girl in pigtails is baring her midriff and gyrating her pelvis in a gymnasium. I’m mesmerized. SPELLBOUND, you might even say.

“Who IS THIS?” I whispered.

“Oh hell no, don’t even tell me you like this shit,” the boyfriend says nervously, trying to wrench the remote from my hands before the world of homogenized pop devours my soul and caulks my heart’s cockles with coconut taffy and Love’s Baby Soft. “This is the gateway! You give in to THIS and next you’ll be wearing taffeta bows in your hair and going to concerts at the mall. Now tell me you don’t like this.”

“I think I do, dude. It’s undeniably catchy. And she’s kind of hot. I mean—what? NO. Ew, I don’t like this.” A minute later, while I’m laughing nervously, I learn that it’s some strumpet called Britney Spears. Under a cloak of darkness (i.e. online), I buy her album.

For awhile, I try to hide it. I kick it under the couch when people come over. When friends are in the car with me, I make sure not to ever, not ever in one hundred million thousand fifteen years, pop in the mixtape that spins  “Crazy” and “…Baby One More Time.”  It’s the street cred kiss of death; there would be no way to talk myself out of that one.

But then one day, I’m like, “You know, I want to rock out to some fucking Spears and I don’t give a shit who knows.” So maybe I just got done breaking plates over my head to Bring Me the Horizon, or maybe I just cut myself to the plunky suicide notes of Xiu Xiu, but if I want to smack on some fucking bubblegum bubbles while jumping on the couch to a little tune called “Womanizer,” then dammit, I don’t care who knows it.

I LOVE BRITNEY SPEARS.

I penned death threats in my diary to K-Fed. I wept openly while watching her documentary.

I LOVE BRITNEY SPEARS. And now my son does too.

Now, what’s your guilty pleasure?

  25 Responses to “Guilty Pleasure Confessional”

  1. I wake up to The Bee Gees every morning, it puts just enough wiggle in me to spring out of bed. Billy prob. thinks I am super lame.

  2. I have the same problem with Nysnc…I even watched dancing with the stars for Joey Fatone…he is sooooo dreamy!

    • Seriously, that part where she’s like, “I’m sad”?? I lost it. I want to take her under my wing. Probably that would make her worse, but still, then I could say I had Britney Spears in my armpit.

  3. You realize I could go on forever, right?

    For one, I own the Paris Hilton Album. If that’s not bad enough, I watch Lipstick Jungle and all the Real Housewives series. I also still shop in the juniors department and love anything involving Justin Timberlake. I’ll buy anything with Hello Kitty or a bow or hearts on it.

    • We would get along well!

      I don’t own Paris’s album, but I don’t hate her and I secretly wished I was on her BFF show.

      Going solo was the best thing Justin Timberlake ever could have done. I hope he and Timbaland never get divorced because they are fucking golden together.

  4. This post totally made me smile, because it reminds me how alike we are. I totally indulged in Britney’s earlier albums. I do have to admit that I haven’t listened to her newer ones… but every time “Womanizer” comes on I can’t help but dance around singing along. You just can’t deny it. That shit is CATCHY. She may be a mess in her personal life, but damn if she doesn’t know how to make a pop song.

    Jessa´s last blog post..I’m not complaining, I’m making a statement

    • I wanted to hate her, I really did! But there’s something about her that makes me think she actually is sweet and sincere and I want to hug her. Maybe send her some candy canes and a friendship bracelet in the mail.

  5. now i don’t feel like a loser for downloading her new album. :)

  6. Her first album was played in the tiny, unhappy apartment I shared with my ex husband back in those dark days. Some of those songs WERE catchy. They were written by professionals, so of course they were catchy.

    “I was born to make you happy . . .
    always and forever you and me
    that’s the way our life should be . . . ”

    I left those poopy albums behind with him, but I’d still sing the songs if they came on, so I join you in this guilty pleasure, I guess.

  7. Celebrity magazines (especially The Enquirer). My nightstands are covered in my own brand of bibles. “ANGELINA TORTURES JEN!”…”OPRAH’S SUICIDE SECRET!”…”MADONNA CAUGHT PEEING STANDING UP!!!”…I can’t get enough. And I believe every word of it.

    • And Abba is of the Lord. <3

    • I nearly slit my throat when my (curiously for-free) subscription to US Weekly ran out. I had been digesting that shit for years and then suddenly it was like they pulled out my feeding tube.

      Now I get OK Magazine, also curiously for free. It’s not as good but it takes the edge off. As if I needed to know about Carnie’s voracious sex life, though. (OK, I do. I do need to know.)

  8. i wish britney knew how good a friend she has in you.
    she might not feel so lonely. and then she might move to pittsburgh. then you two would hang out everyday… watching public access… or golf… having crazy photo shoots while chooch starts a band with jayden and sean. then henry and britney’s dad would have a cheese grit battle with you and britney as the judges. henry would lose- and you all would laugh and laugh and laugh. (especially you while punching him)

    ok wait. as lovely as that sounds- i imagine it would be like, “christina, who?” so- maybe it’s a good thing britney doesn’t know your loyalty to her.

    for me anyway.

    guilty pleasure for me since recently: LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE

  9. I love that crazy bitch’s music. Its so catchy!

    My confession – I just downloaded the New Kids on the Block’s Merry Merry Christmas and Im way too excited about it. I actually had to go back and get their whole catalog.
    I love it!

  10. See, I would not have been surprised if it turned out you liked having a dead hooker in your trunk, but this, this surprises me.

    My guilty pleasure is Miracle Whip (that kind of sweet fake mayo).

    Tell no one.

    • Thank you. I was having a shitty day, like the kind of shitty day that could potentially turn into homicide, but this genuinely made me laugh.

      I really am a walking contradiction! When people don’t know me, they assume, based on appearance, that I WOULD be into the likes of Britney Spears. But then the people who DO know me (even if it’s just on here) would figure I wouldn’t be caught dead listening to pop music. I just can’t explain it! I will always have an underlying penchant for pop music/Top 40 shit even though my soul bellows angrily along to metalcore.

      And I will guard your secret with my life!

  11. I love ABBA, always and forever.

Choose Your Words Carefully